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Angel Of Mercy	By : AttentionDeficit Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male > Harry/Draco Views: 10159 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, nor any of the characters from the books or movies. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

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Seeking A Momentary Fix
I don’t really want to keep living. It’s boring me to keep this mundane life up. Have you ever been truly bored? I mean the true feeling. Not just restlessness, but when everything bores you and nothing satisfies the boredom. Ever felt like that? I don’t think you have. The feeling seems to be attached to depression. Which is constantly reminding me that if I wasn’t such a failure I wouldn’t feel like this anymore. And the medicine they give can only keep me from feeling buried for only so long. It feels like there is a weight on my chest and it is pushing me farther and farther in to the ground and when you try to rise the weight becomes heavier. So I’m just going to stay down here for now, in my depression, thinking of everything that I have done wrong, or what people have said, or what has happened,
I’ll make myself a list. A nice long list of why I am such a failure.
What I’ve done wrong:
1. I am gay.
2. I am not loved by anyone.
3. I am not perfect like a Malfoy should be.
4. I am nothing special.
5. I have no talent.
6. I have never had a date with someone who wasn’t after my money or my body.
7. I don’t have true friends.
8. I can’t control the depression like I said I could.
9. I can’t please anyone.
10. I fucking failed at killing myself.
What people have said:
1. I’m a snob.
2. I’m a bastard.
3. I’m a bitch.
4. I don’t deserve to be a Malfoy.
5. I don’t deserve to live.
6. I should have died at the end of the war.
7. My mother should have had an abortion.
8. Ferret.
9. I am a fucking annoying little wimp who can’t be a man.
10. No one will ever love me.
What has happened:
1. Dumbledore’s death.
2. The war.
3. Moaning Myrtle’s bathroom.
4. Failed Quidditch games.
5. Granger breaking my nose.
6. All the beatings.
7. HIM inspecting me.
8. Being the Death Eater play toy.
9. The rape.
10. Every single person I have seen die.
I told you I was a failure. Next time you should listen to me. Because stating all this stuff has stirred up memories and I can’t help it. They are playing in my head. And the weight seems to be growing steadily. I brought this all on myself.
“DRACO! How could you dare disgrace me like that? You are a Malfoy! Not some Fucking Queer!”
My father’s words from that night echo in my head. Making me spin in circles. I know I shouldn’t listen to him. But I believe every word he says. And those words fall around me and pierce through me until I feel like piercing something through myself. That is when my dragon daggers come in handy. They are the best gifts I have ever gotten. I got them from my Godfather for my twelfth birthday. He gave them to me with potions in mind. I think I have only ever used them for potions three times. But they did make the best patterns on my skin. God, if Sev was still alive he would have been the one to save me from myself. He would have seen through my weak excuses on why I was drawn back and rarely came to visit, and why my arms were heavily glamoured. I miss him more than I thought I could ever miss anyone. Especially since the last year he was alive I thought he was out to steal my glory. The glory I never got anyway.
I am so pathetic. I just whine and whine and whine. Well fuck this. I’m just going to have a nap.
* * *
It’s time to go to group.
Group. What a strange name for the coming together of six insane people and one person to watch over them.
Granger told me yesterday that since I seemed to not want to talk to her that she would send me to group.
So here I am putting my clothes on, white clothes of course isn’t everything white? I don’t understand why it is all white. Isn’t this a place where people are supposed to become happier so would you not want to surround people with happy colours? Oh, who gives a fuck? Maybe I’ll be dead before Group ends. Maybe some crazy fucker will break through these restraints they have on our magic and kill everyone in Group. I bet you if that happened everyone there would be happier to die.
I reach for my door handle and follow the blue line on the wall to the Group Room E. That’s not a pretty name. I thought they were covering the ugliness of this building with ugly names. I guess not.
Upon walking in to Group Room E. I spot the other five crazy fuckers and the leader of this fun gang of fuckers. I sit in the only chair not occupied, the one closest to the door.
The leader introduces herself as Lesley. Leader Lesley. The rest of the groups goes around and states their names and why they’re here. Gone-Grace, voices told her to try to poison the family. Banging-Ben, he is so addicted to heroin he held his boss hostage so someone would bring him some. Deflated-Danielle, extreme dose of depression. Jesus-Save-Me-Justin, he is addicted to cocaine and believes God will save him from everything. Dying-Draco, wants to die. And Pity-Me-Potter, suicide attempt got fucked up.
Leader Lesley says she wants everyone to say what their favourite thing is:
Gone-Grace: Arsenic.
Banging-Ben: Heroin.
Deflated-Danielle: Black.
Jesus-Save-Me-Justin: Cocaine, with God a close second.
Dying-Draco: Dragon Daggers.
Pity-Me-Potter: A full bottle of Sleeping Pills.
Leader Lesley then goes on to say that we now have to explain why they are our favourite things, this really is making people uncomfortable but Leader Lesley says it’s to help people open up to each other since they will already know why we are here. I say this will make people feel odd talking about it with strangers.
Anyway the reasons are,
Gone-Grace: To kill with.
Banging-Ben: To get high with.
Deflated-Danielle: To die in, with, and around.
Jesus-Save-Me-Justin: To see God with.
Dying-Draco: To bleed and die with.
Pity-Me-Potter: To sleep forver with.
Leader Lesley says we all use these favourite things as a means of escape. Then when Deflated-Danielle says Black isn’t a way to escape anything, Leader Lesley explains that Deflated-Danielle’s need for black is truly a need to get away from other things turned in to a need for a dark colour. This confuses me. If we are all escaping from something why can’t anyone do it without getting caught? When I say this, Leader Lesley says we all got caught because we wanted to. If we didn’t want to get caught we wouldn’t have. There were key things that everyone did to make sure they would get caught, maybe it would only small things like not saying hello to your co-workers in the morning or nervously tugging on your sleeve to make sure it was covering. But some people catch these small things and register them and catch you in the act. These people she says are our Guardians.
At Banging-Ben gets angry and shouts “You mean the fucking Auror was my Guardian? What bullshit. He had no right hauling me in to here because I was fucking up his team. He is a fucker, nothing more.”
This riles up the group. Okay so it makes have off the group look at him with confused looks. And the other half continues to not pay attention to anything.
”I may not believe everything Ban-I mean Ben says,” I start. “Most of us here have been invisible to everyone around us for awhile now. No matter how much we started out screaming and shouting take notice, take interest or take me with you. We now don’t want any kind of attention. I would say all of us just want you to let us go back to our escapes.” I look up from the hair that has been blocking my vision since I sat down and notice that most people seem to agree. Leader-Lesley doesn’t of course and Gone-Grace isn’t paying attention. But Deflated-Danielle appears to be nodding and so does Pity-Me-Potter.
I’m waiting for Leader Lesley to say I’m wrong but she stares at me for a few more seconds before looking at her watch and saying that it’s time for us to go to our rooms. “But Draco, I can see how you think that. And all of you don’t believe that I am never going to understand you. But I have been where you have been. I have used escape after escape until I ended up in a place like this too. I know what it is like.”
”How can you know what it’s like? You have no idea what we have all faced. You don’t know what we have done, seen or experienced. You know what happened to you. You have no idea what happened to us.” Pity-Me-Potter says in a flat voice.
”So let me know. Let someone know what happened. Let someone in. It’s time, my companions, to let the walls fall down,” Leader Lesley says as everyone exits.
And as I get back to my room, I can’t help but think Pity-Me-Potter needs a new nick name.
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Always know someone out there loves you and if you feel like committing the big S. Don't. Talk to someone. Somebody will care.
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Angel Of Mercy