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Sirius Dreams	By : HalfUnderwater Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male > Remus/Sirius Views: 5376 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, nor any of the characters from the books or movies. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

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Thank you so much for all the reviews. I�m sorry this chapter has taken so long to post. The delay was caused by the chaotic mess my life has been lately, and by the fact that I couldn�t decide just how to go about writing this section.

There�s not much adult content here (sorry to disappoint, but this is mostly something that passes for plot). The next chapter will have a considerable amount of smut and will hopefully ameliorate the situation. And, luckily, since I�ve fallen back into a writing mood, it should be posted soon.

As always, enjoy. And review.

Remus took a breath and loosened his tie.

�Can I talk to you?� he whispered lowly, perching on the corner of the secluded library table.

Lily brushed her hair back lightly and looked up at him with her beautiful green eyes. For a moment, his brain was turned to the consistency of the raspberry jam he liked so much on his toast in the morning.

�Uh�� Remus blinked. He hadn�t quite gotten over fancying her, but out of respect for James and for his own close friendship with her, he had dropped his meager attempts at courtship immediately.

�How have you been, Remus? We haven�t spoken lately.� Her voice was soft and caring, her tone patient as it always was. For some reason, talking to her always made Remus feel dreadfully young. His verbal eloquence was always stripped away, leaving him to trip awkwardly over his tongue.

Remus let out a deep sigh as he sank into the chair next to Lily, nervously fidgeting with his tie.

�Things have been�complicated.�

He wasn�t sure how much of the tangled tale he should reveal to Lily, being that she was so close to James. He wasn�t sure if he wanted anyone to know. And aside from that, he had a feeling that Sirius would be livid if James found out.

Lily looked expectantly at him, her hand resting softly and supportively on his shoulder.

�Well, I�ve been told that I�m an excellent listener, should you need to discuss any aspect of this complicated situation.�

Remus paused.

�I know that this is usually a male thing,� he said, �but, er�the situation is�complicated, as I said.�

Lily laughed her little bell laugh and set her potions book down, drumming her fingers softly on the leather cover.

�I�m grown up enough to hear male things, I believe.�

�It�s just�It needs to be a secret.�

Grasping the delicacy of the situation, Lily leaned forward, her face holding no trace of the laughter that had just rung through the deep, musty silence of the library. No words were needed. Her change in disposition showed that she would take the secret to the grave.

�I promise, Remus. What�s going on?�

Usually, when he needed advice on love or dating or sex, he turned to Sirius. When Sirius was unavailable or merely inappropriately unhelpful, he turned to James. However, the situation being what it was, neither of them would do. This called for someone open-minded, honest, mature, and painfully uninvolved.

�I�ve been�intimate�with someone,� Remus worded carefully. He let out a sigh and rubbed at a spot of ink staining the skin on the back of his hand. �It�s ruined everything. We were great friends before, but it�s awkward now, with all these mixed-up emotions, and I don�t know what to do. I need to fix it.�

Lily paused for a moment.

�Well, there are a million ways to help a situation like this one, Remus, and alternately, more ways to harm it. It must be tailored to the people and the relationship between them.�

Remus bit his lip and Lily instantly noticed his hesitation. Something deeper was going on here. This was not simply relationship advice from another point of view. She got the distinct impression that what she told Remus was going to make a huge difference. Something big was brewing.

�Maybe I don�t need names,� she said sympathetically. �Tell me what kind of girl she is.�

Remus buried his face in his hands for a moment. Why did this take so much courage? Lily was the most non-judgmental person he knew.

�The kind that�s a bloke,� he half-mumbled, half-groaned. It was a sound of defeat.

Lily gave him a kind but surprised look. His lips curved into something like a nervous smile, an expression that was sheepish and unnecessary and completely like Remus.

�Why, Remus Lupin, I never would have suspected!� Lily said in a tone of soft tone of surprise. She could tell that he was carefully gauging her reaction, and she wanted him to feel comfortable again.

They both laughed softly at the tone as her hand came to rest on his shoulder, giving a reassuring squeeze.

�Is it awkward now because he�s a bloke, or is it awkward for some other reason?� Lily asked gently. While she wasn�t one for prying, this was a side of Remus that she had never seen before. She wanted to coax him gently out of hiding, she realized, not only so that she could help him overcome the problems he was facing, but because she was also painfully interested this new development.

�A little of both,� Remus said, considering. �He�ll shag anyone, he will. I don�t know whether he�s used me for a wanton night of pleasure or whether he actually cares for me. He�s been a great friend to me, but things have been bloody tense lately. He�s so handsome, Lily, really fit and, well, honestly rather egotistical, though that makes him appealing. He could have anyone he wanted in the entire school, really, but for some reason, he decided to�he chose�me.�

�Because you�re fit as well,� Lily offered, leaning her chin on her palm.

Remus gave her a look.

�Oh, don�t give me that. You know you are.�

He let the comment slide as he continued.

�Afterward, I made the mistake that I�m sure hundreds of people have made�I told him I didn�t want to be just a lay in a broom cupboard. I told him I wanted�more.�

�And that frightened him?� Lily pursed her lips, thinking.

�I don�t know what it did. I caught him shagging someone else, which obviously means he isn�t interested in being in a relationship, you know? I feel stupid, Lily. I�ve heard him laugh about people asking him for relationships loads of times before. I�ve heard the way he talks about them, as if they�re the most pathetic things in the world. I should have known better. I went and did exactly what he ridicules.�

Remus growled at himself and rested his head on his arms, trying to think. Everything was spilling out, now that he had someone to talk to. His only hope lied in Lily�perhaps somehow she could think a way through the tangled mess and give him a solution.

Lily took a breath and let it out in a soft sigh, leaning back and thinking for a moment. This was definitely surprising. It was perhaps the most surprising piece of gossip she would hear all year round. And above anything else, it was not what she had expected at all.

�Remus, correct me if I�m wrong,� she murmured delicately, �but�are we talking about Sirius?�

Remus stood instantly, the color draining from his face. Lily detected a tremble in his hands. His eyes had taken on an intense look of alarm and he took a few steps back, nearly stumbling over the chair.

�I should go,� he mumbled, sweeping up his pile of books and hastily muttering an apology before bolting toward the entrance.

�Remus!� Lily called softly after him, standing and rushing in his direction. �Remus, wait.�

After a mad dash through the transfiguration section, Lily managed to catch hold of his arm and drag him to a stop. His tattered robe had been tugged over his shoulder, baring the pale, scarred skin to the world. He looked more upset about this than being stopped, and he hesitantly turned back to face her as he tugged his clothing back into place.

�You can talk to me about this,� she insisted softly, dragging Remus from the public eye. �You can trust me! I like to think we�re friends, and I promise I won�t tell a soul. Especially not James, if that�s what you�re afraid of.�

Remus huffed softly and shook his head, carefully glancing up and down the dusty row before leaning in and whispering intensely.

�There�s not a point in talking about it, Lily. Everything he�s done points to the conclusion that he�s using me for his own pleasure, not that he fancies me. I give up.�

His eyes were hard now, nearly barren as Lily slipped her hand into his and gave it a squeeze. Any other day, his heart would have fluttered and he would have spent the afternoon daydreaming like a prat about growing up and marrying her. But this time, the fact that she was looking up at him with her beautiful green eyes didn�t affect him. He was sullen and she was at a loss for words.

�If there�s anything I can do for you, Remus, please let me know.�

He nodded, his mouth set into a hard line. A sigh escaped his lips as he turned and walked away. He seemed utterly defeated, which deeply worried Lily. Though Remus had a difficult life, he had never given up on anything he wanted. He had always been ambitious, even in matters of love, where he was terribly inexperienced.

�Maybe if he can�t help himself,� Lily mumbled absently, �I can help him��

It was nearing sundown when Lily finally found Sirius Black. The sky was tinged a bright orange, and the ever-lowering sun hung in the sky, casting its burning reflection on the surface of the lake. Sirius sat on the bench near the coast and she watched him as she approached, noting the acrid smell of his cigarette�s smoke before she saw the vile thing itself. In fact, the only movements he made were to bring the small cylinder to his lips.

Sirius heard footsteps approaching, but he didn�t much care who it was. He was deep in thought, smoking some hastily-stolen herbs he had obtained from Slughorn�s storeroom and trying to come up with a master plan to get Remus to tolerate his presence once more. They hadn�t spoken alone since the day in the dormitory, and they still weren�t on good terms.

When he looked up from his thoughts, Lily was sitting next to him, studying him with her green eyes. He took another drag, just to antagonize her.

�If you�re meeting Jamesy-pie for a breathless snog during the sunset, I can leave. No need to watch him mangle your face again with his fishy mouth,� he said flatly, spinning the hand-rolled cigarette between his fingers.

Lily ignored his asinine comment and took the rolled paper from his hand. His head turned to watch her now, one eyebrow arched, as if he expected her to take a drag of the vile thing. Instead, she pressed the length of it to her nose and smelled it. Her brow furrowed in thought as she tried to identify the herbs rolled inside it.

�What is this, Sirius?�

He chuckled, leaning back against the bench and snatching it away from her.

�Sod off, Lily. I�m busy,� he snapped.

�You�re a right foul git, you know,� she chuckled incredulously after a moment of silence.

�I haven�t gotten your lover into trouble since the last time you insisted on calling me that. Whatever you�re miffed about, you can leave me out of it. I�ve got nothing to do with it.�

�I�m talking about Remus.�

Sirius stood up instantly, glaring down at Lily.

�What do you think you�re talking about?� he growled, his tone rough and angry. He leaned down so that his face was inches from hers. In all his life, he had never been so furious with so little provocation.

�You shared an intimate moment with Remus and it�s fouling everything up. I�ve spoken with him. I want to help you,� she said softly, her tone caring and sincere. There was no reason to dance around the issue, she supposed. Hitting the nail on the head was the best bet.

�You�re off your head,� Sirius growled lowly. He spun on his heel and walked toward the rickety dock leading out on the lake. His mind reeled.

�It�s not too late to fix it,� she called after him, following him through the weedy vegetation blocking the path to the shore. The sharp thorns scratched at her thick tights, snagging and tearing them, but she was determined to talk some sense into the thoughtless, self-obsessed boy.

Sirius panted in frustration. How dare Remus go share something so private with Lily Evans? She was a stuck-up, know-it-all prefect, and James� girlfriend. And with her being so close to James, he would know before the day was out. Within a week, everyone would know. He would be ruined.

�You don�t know me, Lily,� he snapped, turning to face her.

�I know you shagged Remus. And I know he�s unremittingly, relentlessly in love with you.�

�I didn�t�� Sirius paused as her words soaked in. �I�er�What?�

�Sirius, he fancies you.�

Sirius huffed, trying to think. The mix of herbs wrapped in the paper in his hand was supposed to stimulate thought, opening his mind to new possibilities and ways of seeing the world. It was his way of trying to deal with the impossible barrage of options and consequences in front of him, but it was doing anything but helping. If anything, he felt slower and stupider than normal. But perhaps that was just a result of Lily�s presence.

�I fancy him too, alright? But don�t go around telling everyone. I�m not some enormous poof.�

Sirius frowned hard and kicked at a loose board sitting on the dock, growling as the resulting splash soaked the bottom half of his trousers in chilly November water. His agitation was evident. That day, after their row in the dormitory, Sirius had felt oddly confident about the way things were going to go. But as time passed, he found himself growing more deflated, like a birthday balloon several days after the fact. In fact, he was on the verge of giving up entirely.

�Bollocks,� he mumbled.

�Sirius, you need to speak with him,� Lily said softly, leaning in closer.

�Listen. I like Remus a lot. He�s�the most perfect bloke anyone could ask for. But he deserves a future filled with love and respect and trust. I don�t want him to get hurt any more than he already has been. I think I�ve fucked up too royally to save myself.�

The pain in his eyes showed his sincerity, but he turned away before Lily could examine the strange look any further.

�You can do better, Sirius. Just think about it. Stop bathing in self-pity and talk to him.�

She set her hand on his shoulder and gave it a gentle squeeze before walking back through the thick, thorny vegetation.

Sirius crushed the useless cigarette beneath his foot and shoved his hands into his pockets. What did Evans know, anyway? She had said that Remus was in love with him, but the road they were on was already bumpy. If there was any chance of being Remus� boyfriend, let alone his best mate again, they needed to talk soon. With burning resolve, Sirius wrung the water out of the bottoms of his trousers and began the long walk back to the castle.

It seemed Remus would never be alone again. Everywhere he went, someone was with him. Quite often, it was James, who was trying to get Remus� help with his transfiguration essay (and by �help� of course, he meant blatant copying. Remus wasn�t having any of that). Exceedingly often, however, it was Lily hanging at Remus� side. This alarmed Sirius at first, for he was worried they were talking about him, but after a week of the strange occurrences, her presence seemed commonplace and droll.

The holidays were fast approaching. In a fortnight, nearly everyone would be going home to spend time with their families. This also meant one of the biggest quidditch games of the year was coming too�the first game of the year between Gryffindor and Slytherin. Last year, with James in the hospital wing and their backup seeker poorly out of practice, Slytherin had crushed them 250 to 40. He and James, especially, were eager to get revenge.

Driven by this desire to win, James worked them hard at practice. It was another one of those nights, when James had managed to book the pitch for three hours straight, and Sirius� muscles ached terribly just thinking of the workout that was to come. He arrived early to warm up on his own. There was something both calming and exhilarating about being alone in the chilly clouds, hovering there and breathing in their dewy wetness before charging downward, ready to meet the team.

He was so intent on remembering all the important new play formations that James had invented, he didn�t even notice the locker room door creaking open. It wasn�t until the figure was just in front of him that he looked up. Remus� empty eyes met his and they were locked there, in that curious gaze, until he looked briefly away.

�I need to talk to you,� Remus mumbled, planting himself on a bench as Sirius finished lacing up his crimson quidditch trousers. �I�m sorry I treated you so badly the last time we spoke alone.�

Sirius shook his head instantly.

�Don�t apologize,� he insisted, running a hand through his dark, shaggy hair. �What I�ve done has hurt you. I�ve hurt you. You know you�re my best mate, and I don�t want to lose you over anything in the world.�

Sirius� mind raced. Here was Remus, sitting vulnerable in front of him, apologizing for something that wasn�t even his fault. And even though he was desperate to prove to Remus that he was more than his hormones and insatiable sexual urges, all Sirius wanted to do was pull the shy brunette close and snog him until he couldn�t breathe.

�You�re my best mate too, Sirius. I�ve been thinking about you a lot and I�ve come to a conclusion.�

Sirius watched the lump in Remus� throat bob up and down as he spoke. He looked defeated, sitting there. His robes were somehow shabbier than normal. He had lost his air of bookish superiority and handsome, dweebish charm. He had fallen completely flat.

Sirius sat next to him, looking over at him expectantly.

�A conclusion?�

�I was being a complete plonker, asking you for something more than friendship,� Remus snorted, his voice hard. He shook his head and chuckled lifelessly, but stopped when he saw the look on Sirius� face. Sirius could feel his own hopeful expression fall to that of troubled dismay. He stood, pondering the intense wave of nausea that hit him, his fingers drumming against his lips in an old nervous habit.

�I�ve been a plonker, Remus,� he mumbled, looking back to his friend. �Lily called me a right foul git, and she was right. I�ve been stupid. I�ve been trying to figure it out, Remus�trying to figure out whether I could really have you, trying to figure out whether I wanted to have you like that, all serious and not just a shag, trying to figure out whether it is worth being disowned by my sodding family. But I�m sick of waiting. Every method I�ve tried has led me to the same conclusion. I want you, Moony. Blast the consequences.�

Remus sat still, unmoving, unblinking. His golden eyes stared at the dark-haired, shirtless man in front of him, trying to take in exactly what he had just said, and for the first time that evening, Sirius detected a spark of life in his eyes.

�You�ve changed your mind�� he mumbled, looking away. This was too staggering a revelation.

�I�ve always fancied you, Remus,� Sirius admitted after a moment. �I was trying to figure things out. I�ve never been as intelligent as you are and I made a lot of mistakes trying to understand myself.�

Remus stood, his eyes full of skepticism. But in an instant, Sirius stepped forward and pulled him in for a long, lingering hug. At first, Remus closed his eyes and kept his arms fully crossed against his chest, determined to resist Sirius� advances, but as Sirius� long fingers started to caress his back, he began to relax. By the time they were laced in his hair, he had lost his will to resist. His arms slowly loosened and his hands hesitantly slid down the soft skin of Sirius� nude sides.

�I wanted to apologize for the night I mauled you,� Remus whispered, his heart speeding up. �Dumbledore thinks I was simply too�worked up�and the light caught me off guard.�

�It was an accident, Remus. I don�t blame you. I wish you would have mauled me after what you caught me doing.�

�I almost did�� he admitted, recalling how much will it took not to change forms.

The air had turned dreadfully awkward now and Remus tried to pull away, but Sirius� grip was much too firm.

�These things happened,� Sirius mumbled against his ear, �but they don�t define what we will be in the future. I�ll forgive you if you forgive me. Deal?�

�Deal�� Remus whispered, pressing his cheek to the curve of Sirius� neck. �And you don�t have to date me, Pads, really. I know courting isn�t exactly your style. You don�t believe in love.�

A twinge of remorse stung Sirius� heart and he shook his head, leaning back a little. One hand gently cupped Remus� cheek, his thumb tracing one of the wide, diagonal scars marring the handsome face.

�This Hogsmeade weekend, we could ditch James and Peter and go to Honeydukes on our own. We could get a bunch of chocolates and then grab a butterbeer together. I know it�s a sort of third-year date, but�oh, bugger. I�m just not very good at all this.�

Before Sirius could finish, or even feel embarrassed at his lack of forethought, Remus tossed his arms around his neck and hugged him close once more. At Lily�s insistence, he had agreed to talk to Sirius, to end their mutual nights of sulking and to re-establish their friendship. But this? This was better than anything she had led him to expect. This was Sirius Black, talking of dates and being uncommonly self-conscious. This was�everything he had ever wanted.

�Any day with chocolate is a good day indeed,� Remus said, smiling kindly at the insecure black-haired boy before him. Sirius instantly noted his change in demeanor, the way that wide grin shined on his face, reaching his eyes and giving him the classic energetic, bubbly look of excitement that he always yearned to see. Sirius beamed, matching his enthusiasm. The tense worries he had been holding in his head for months unknotted and fell away, and he realized how stupid the last two months had truly been. He wanted to be with Remus, and from what he could tell, Remus quite fancied him. All those horrid events�Remus nearly clawing him to death, his incompetent decision to test his feelings on someone else, and all the subsequent horrors�they had all tried to tear them from this moment. But, true to his nature, Sirius Black had triumphed.

�Come on, I want to show you something,� he said, hastily yanking on his quidditch robe and grabbing his broom.

They walked to the middle of the pitch, their breath making little clouds of moisture in front of them. The night was cold, and Sirius smiled as he looked up. A low cloud hung over the stadium, perfect for what he had in mind. He mounted his broom and looked at Remus, smiling devilishly.

�Get on.�

�Excuse me?� Remus asked, taking a few steps back. �I am not setting foot on that sodding death trap.�

�Well then, it�s a good thing you only set your arse on it. Plus, you can wrap your arms around me to keep steady. I won�t let you fall.�

Sirius took off, speeding around the entire field before stopping next to Remus. The old, familiar look of puppyish begging appeared on his young, handsome face. That gaze had gotten Remus into trouble much more than once, and still he was powerless to resist it. Before he knew it, he was shouting into the shoulder of Sirius� robes and clinging to his toned waist as they ascended. Sirius was showing off his pure power as a quidditch player, performing awe-inspiring flips and turns before driving straight up into the thick, low-hanging clouds.

There, everything seemed muffled. The outside world scarcely existed. Remus let out a gasp of surprise, watching as the half-moonlight twinkled off the miniscule water particles. He could barely see Sirius unless he leaned in close, and when he did, those godly lips were waiting for him. Somehow, Sirius had managed to turn around on his broom and face him. And now, it was just as he remembered. In his mind, he was back in that common room, with all the excitement of something new and long-awaited and scarcely believable; except this time, it was better, because Sirius was going to bring him on a date and buy him chocolate. This was Sirius, his best mate in the whole world, the only person who really understood him. This was Sirius, parting his lips with his tongue and tenderly exploring his mouth. It felt like a dream.

Remus responded, his tongue teasing along the side of Sirius�. His hands knotted in the thick, shaggy black hair as Sirius� arms came around his waist and tugged him in closely. Regardless of the mistakes made, Remus realized there was nowhere he�d rather be, and it was increasingly easy to put those things behind him when Sirius was kissing him so deeply. His brain felt as foggy as the weather.

Soon, far-off shouts roused the boys from the sanctity of their tender moment. Other players had taken the field.

�I have to go to practice,� Sirius murmured, his lungs chilled by the cool, moist air.

Remus leaned in, claiming one more kiss before looking up at Sirius with his big, amber eyes. Sirius smiled a genuine, loving smile before turning around. With one quick tug, the broom lurched and started a quick descent. This was much more terrifying than the way up, and Remus clung on tightly, praying he wouldn�t get sick from all the physical agitation. His stomach was churning enough as it was.

The landing sent Remus tumbling to the ground.

�Graceful as always, Moony,� Sirius chuckled, sliding a hand through his wind-ravaged hair.

Sirius dropped his broom on the snow-thick grass and kneeled over Remus, looking into his soft amber eyes for a moment before setting a chilled hand on his flushed cheek.

�Prongs�ll knock me dead if I�m not out there in five minutes,� Sirius whispered as his lips met Remus�. For a moment, nothing existed except the deep chill of the snow against Remus� back, and the delicious heat of Sirius� body against his, shielding him from the cold December air.

�Skip practice,� Remus urged, his undertone highly suggestive. He barely recognized the voice as his own. He didn�t feel much like himself, in all honesty. He had been moping about so long he scarcely remembered what it was like to feel like Remus Lupin.

A smile touched Sirius� lips now, a certain curiosity and playfulness coming to his eyes.

�I can�t skip practice, Moony,� Sirius chuckled, tapping the tip of Remus� nose with his finger. �If I skip practice, I won�t be good enough to pound Slytherin into the dirt. And everyone knows their arses need a good pounding.�

Remus flushed a bit red at this, obviously remembering the night in the common room. That was months ago, but the comment had been designed to bring it to mind, in case he had forgotten. Sirius flashed his winning smile and claimed one last, breathless snog, pressing his body down firmly against Remus� before mounting his broom and speeding into the air.

Remus watched him until he was out of sight, then closed his eyes and let a dopey smile plaster itself on his face. The snow was soaking through his cloak, making him cold and damp, but nothing could bring his spirits down. After reliving every moment of the evening, he stood, brushed the snow from his trousers, and started the long trek back to the warmth of the Gryffindor common room, where his homework awaited.
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Sirius Dreams