W.I.B

Everyone held on tightly as the Knight Bus violently careened through the city towards Willow Street, its destination. Most everyone hated riding on the Knight Bus. Ernie was a terrible driver. Why someone hasn’t retired the old buzzard, Merlin only knew.

The maniac, alien bothering Yanks however seemed to like it.

It figured.

Earlier that morning, a grumpy Dumbledore drafted a group of Order members to accompany the K and J Muggles since no one spoke up when Zed asked for volunteers. After seeing the state Remus Lupin returned in yesterday, before locking himself in a room and draining a nearly full bottle of Ogden’s, no one was in a hurry to have their own close encounter of the arsed up kind.

It had taken several of them to remove the nearly kicking and screaming and completely knackered Remus from the bedroom that he had locked himself into.


“Come on Mooney, be a man about it.” Sirius Black had said, trying to shame his friend in behaving…well, more manly.


“Blow me.” came the uncharacteristic reply.


Surprisingly Remus decided at the last minute to join the outing even though the Old Man told him he could sleep his hangover off if he wanted. It most likely was because he had caught Tonks making eyes at the J-Muggle.


The smell of stale Firewhiskey permeated the bus.


“You reek, Lupin.” Snape sneered, fanning a hand in the air in front of his nose. He was confused when Remus smiled rather unpleasantly in return.


He couldn’t wait to see Snape’s reaction to aliens. Let’s just see how snarky the greasy git will be then, he thought.


The Knight Bus came to an instant stop and everyone, except for K and J who acted at ease with careening, lurching transportation, shot forward and had to catch themselves on the seat in front of them to avoid ending up in a dogpile.


They exited the bus carrying large empty duffel bags and followed J and K down Willow Street. When they came to the fifth manhole, K turned around and looked over the group, deciding which of the Order members looked the most alien.


“Come on up here, girly.” he said, motioning to Tonks, who was leaning her fuchsia haired head away from Lupin and his whiskey death breath.


“Say ‘sqwtlbz.’ K said, pronouncing the word like the bartender had.


“Sqwtlbz?”


“Close enough.”


K stomped on the manhole three times and quickly retreated to the side with J. The cover cracked open and a long appendage that terminated in an eyeball snaked up and eyed Tonks who was frozen like the proverbial deer caught in the headlights. The appendage slithered back down and was replaced by another that had a mouth like orifice at the end.


“Password?” it asked, spraying a little spittle on her.


“Uh…uh…erm…uh…”


“C’mon, c’mon! I don’t have all bleedin’ day!”


“Sqwtlbz?” she squeaked.


The appendage slithered down and disappeared into the sewer. J returned and removed the manhole cover and was greeted with a foul smelling, yellowish cloud of steam.


“DAY-UM! Somebody got some serious funk going on down there!”


“Ladies, gentlemen, after you.” K said, gesturing towards the open manhole.


The Order members balked. Was he serious? Did he really want them to climb down into the sewer through that yellow cloud of steam?! They were wizard combatants, not Muggle sanitation workers!


“Don’t think we’re gonna do all the work for y’all.” J warned.


Nothing else for it, the Old Man was making them do this so one by one they descended the ladder into the sewer. When it was Tonks turn, she paused after a few steps to discretely wink at J while her upper half was still above street level. Unfortunately this caused her uncoordinated self to slip and she fell down the hole taking her fellow descending Order members with her. They landed in an undignified pile at the bottom.


“Perfect.” Snape, who was still topside, sarcastically commented.


“I like you, Snape. You seem to be a man after my own heart.” K said, slapping him on the shoulder.


“Yeah. Grumpy ass number one and Grumpy ass number two.” J added.


Once everyone had reached the bottom, they noticed with growing alarm that K and J weren’t present. Gathering themselves in a protective huddle, they peered up the hole and their alarm grew when they saw that someone had replaced the manhole cover. Dear gods, had they abandoned them down here?!


“This way.” K said, suddenly appearing beside them.


Where did he come from?! They didn’t see him come down the ladder.


“How did you do that? You’re Muggle. You can’t do magic!”


“If the MIB does not want to be seen…”


“The MIB won’t be seen.” J finished mysteriously.


Snape raised an impressed eyebrow.


“Try to keep up. This is going to go down real fast.” K said.


Go down?


K and J drew their weapons and ran out into the aisle of the merchandise tables that lined the walls of the sewer.


“Everyone freeze! Hands and flippers against the wall!” K shouted.


All the aliens present fell silent in horror that the MIB was raiding them, then erupted into a loud crazed panic as they tried to escape. An alien that for all practical purposes seemed human jumped up on the wall like a gecko and tried to skitter away.


“Don’t make me chase you!” J yelled as he took out after him.



“BLAAAARRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHH!”



“OH…MY…SWEET…FUCKING…GOD!” Sirius Black screamed as a blob like alien with a mouthful of sharp teeth flew through the air towards the petrified group.



Six inches away from contact, the enraged alien exploded into a mass of entrails and slime that coated the screaming Order members, with Black receiving the worst of it.



“Keep up, gentlemen.” K calmly said, holding his smoking gun.



With a few now soiled knickers, the group shakily wobbled forward.



Snape looked down at a chunk of exploded alien with interest. Reaching down, he plucked it up and shoved it into a pocket and smirked with no small amount of satisfaction at the wild eyed Black as he passed him.



After seeing one of their own annihilated, the remaining aliens laid down on the ground and put whatever kind of appendages they had behind whatever kinds of heads they possessed. J gripped the fleeing alien he had chased around the collar and dragged him back and shoved him down on the ground with the rest.


“Get your punk ass down.”


“Cephalopod?” K asked.


“Why they always got to run?” J complained.


“Confiscated. Confiscated. Very confiscated.” K said, pointing to various weapons displayed on the market tables.


He turned back to the Order members, some of whom had turned interesting shades of green and indicated that they should be stuffing their empty duffel bags with weapons.





Back on the Knight Bus, the Order members had given up trying to scourgify the alien gunk off of themselves and simply sat, silent and numb.



“So then…hahahahaha…then…hehehehehe…the lady says, ‘but where did he put his other tentacle?’”



Snape looked at K who sat next to him for a moment, then threw his head back and bellowed with laughter at the joke.



Lupin shook his head in outraged disappointment. Snape had actually enjoyed himself today. Un-freakin'-believable!






“Excellent work!” Zed said, when everyone trudged into Grimmauld Place carrying duffel bags full of alien weapons.


He, K, and J happily inspected the booty while Dumbledore joyfully looked on as the rest of the group wrestled each slime covered other for bottles of Ogden’s.




All except for a satisfied Snape who plunked the chunk of alien into an empty pickle jar.



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A/N: Looks like K’s made a friend, eh?

I know, I know. I still haven’t posted Avenging Fire’s next chapter. It’s almost done, I’m just stuck on something.