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Stepping Stones	By : Lomonaaeren Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male > Harry/Draco Views: 6989 -:- Recommendations : 1 -:- Currently Reading : 1
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, and I am making no money from this writing.

Chapter List
- 3
- 4
Thank you again for all the reviews! This is the last
chapter of Stepping Stones. I hope
you�ve enjoyed it.

Chapter Four�The
Fourth Step

�� Harry was
glad that he had a lot of experience in living with pain, because that was what
he had to do for the next little while.

�� He allowed
himself five minutes of standing in the corridor, alone, after Draco had left
him. Then he went home and told the triumphant story of the case to Ginny. She
laughed and gasped in all the right places, which meant Harry had to smile in
the right places himself and pretend to be as proud of the case as she was of
him.

�� She wanted
to celebrate in bed. Harry had never felt less like sex, and for once, he
didn�t try to drive himself to the extremes he usually did. He pleaded
tiredness, and Ginny kissed him and snuggled against his shoulder to fall
asleep with an understanding smile.

�� Meanwhile,
Harry stared at the ceiling and decided, carefully, how the next few days would
go.

�� He spoke to
Wellington the next morning by Floo and asked for a holiday. He hadn�t had one
so far, and no doubt Wellington, from her tolerant smile, thought he would use
this one to stay at home and celebrate with the wife he almost hadn�t made it
back to. Harry let her think so, and hoped Wellington wouldn�t check on whether
Ginny had gone to work herself. But then, Wellington seemed to watch him and
Draco more closely than the other partnerships, because she knew Harry had had
doubts about it from the beginning.

�� More doubts than ever, now, Harry
thought, and spent a bit of time with the back of his hand pressed to his eyes
before he stood up and moved on to the next part of the plan.

�� He finished
the report on the Stegton case and owled it to Draco for his signature. Then he
spent some time looking up laws on private duels, and more advertisements than
he had known existed in the Daily Prophet
about what kinds of private dueling instructors already existed. If he was
going to make his living this way�and he couldn�t go on being an Auror�he would
probably need some classes.

�� Amazingly,
though, it seemed he didn�t need any of that. The duelists recommended
themselves on the basis of �ancient secrets� and �good performance in Defense
Against the Dark Arts.� (The names above some of those claims made Harry smile
for the first time since his parting with Draco). People probably chose the
ones that sounded best or most exciting and took their chances from there.

�� He would
have more clients than he could handle, he thought, just because of his name.
He�d have to choose carefully.

�� Prices that
the dueling instructors charged for their classes also seemed to vary. Harry
decided to set his somewhere in the middle. He wanted payments that would put
his wages somewhere close to what they had been as an Auror.

�� After all,
the hardest part of this was going to be convincing Ginny that he hadn�t lost
his mind and wanted to change his career for a reason.

�� Then he set
about writing his resignation letter. He had to keep pausing during it, but
that was all right, because no one else was at home, or peering through the
window.

�� He spent
the pauses thinking about Draco, and what Draco would think when Harry sent in
the letter.

�� It was
cowardly, Harry admitted to himself, and he would be lying yet again when he
said that the Auror career had finally struck him as too dangerous. But he
couldn�t imagine working with Draco as matters stood. Either they would dance
around each other, which would cause the friendship and trust that made their
partnership strong to crumble, or Draco would give the kind of defensive speech
about how he was straight that Harry couldn�t bear to listen to. He knew that already. He had only told the
truth because Draco had asked.

�� Would you leave Ginny if he asked?

�� But that
question didn�t matter, because he never would. Harry smiled bitterly at
nothing and finished the letter, though he didn�t send it off yet. He would
talk to Ginny this evening, and he was confident that she would at least see
genuine unhappiness on his face, even if the cause wasn�t what he said it was.

*

�� I don�t
accept it.�

�� Harry
stared at Ginny with his mouth open. She stood in front of the fire, arms
folded and eyes hard. The flames behind her made her hair seem to glow with
rich light, and Harry admired her absently even as his brain reeled from the
words she�d just spoken. He�d laid out his case, explained that the risk to his
life from Stegton last night had shaken him more than it should and shown him
he wasn�t cut out for Auror work, and that he was going to do something else,
not rely on her to support him. It sounded convincing. It should have convinced
her.

�� Why hadn�t
it?

�� But I
really don�t want to be an Auror anymore,� Harry began, wondering what else he
could say. �I�m starting to think I jumped before I was ready, before I knew
enough about myself to make that kind of decision. Everyone thought I would be
an Auror, and I decided that I should, too. But it�s not what I really want.�

�� How can
you know that based on one case,
which wasn�t as difficult as some of your others?� Ginny planted a hand on her
hip and looked at him skeptically, gnawing on her lip the way she sometimes did
when she was trying to figure out the way his brain worked. �I don�t see why
this should change your mind.�

�� It was the
last straw,� Harry said, grateful to Hermione for having said that the last
time they were at the Burrow, to explain why she had given up on working with
one of her more prejudiced colleagues after a tiny remark. �Not the case
itself, but the weight of the case combined with everything else.�

�� How?�
Ginny sat down this time, which was at least an improvement over the way she�d
been standing, though the intent gaze she fixed on him wasn�t. �Tell me how.�

�� Harry
hadn�t prepared that elaborate a structure of lies. He stumbled through
something about not wanting to lose his life, and how Newnham had been mad, and
how he had only solved the case by coincidence and felt inadequate about that.
In fact, all those were true, but they fell one by one into Ginny�s listening,
obdurate silence and failed to dent it.

�� I don�t
think so,� she said at last, voice calm but inflexible. �I want you to
reconsider this decision, and talk to Wellington tomorrow. If she agrees, then
maybe I�ll agree. But I think right now that you�re running away from a
difficulty.�

�� What
difficulty?� Harry knew his voice was too harsh from the way Ginny turned her
head and focused her eyes on him.

�� I don�t
appreciate it when you talk to me that way,� she said coolly.

�� Sorry,�
Harry said, and massaged his face. It felt hot, and he wished he could claim
ill health on account of a fever. But the fever burning in his blood was
impossible to explain to Ginny. He had sacrificed his partnership; he really
wanted his marriage to last. �But I don�t know what you mean.�

�� The
difficulty is working with Malfoy.� Ginny�s voice softened and became kind.
�Look, Harry, I�ve noticed that you don�t talk about him as often in the last
few months as you used to. I think that�s a telltale sign that you�re not
enamored of him, that you wish you didn�t have to spend time with him. But make
it through a year, and then we can see about you being reassigned to someone
else. Surely they�ll notice if your solve rates go down because of how useless
he is.�

�� He wasn�t
useless yesterday,� Harry snapped, while he mentally reeled from the idea that
not talking about Draco meant he wasn�t enamored. Why did she have to phrase it that way?

�� Whatever
you say,� Ginny said. �But you were the one who solved the case, and I�ve
noticed that you�re usually the decisive factor, the one who actually does with
the case what the Ministry wanted done with it. And I think you don�t really
want to quit. You just want to be away from Malfoy.�

�� Harry
touched his forehead, and wished that he still had the scar as an excuse for
the hot poison burning through him. Ginny had hit on the right reason, but by a
wrong chain of reasoning�so elaborately wrong, in fact, that he wanted to sob
with laughter and curse at the same time.

�� You could
be right,� he said. �But if I find it intolerable to work with him right now,
how am I going to survive the rest of the year?�

�� Ginny moved
then, coming over to him and wrapping her arms around him. �I don�t know,� she
whispered into his ear. �I�m sorry. I didn�t realize what it was like for you.
Talk to Wellington, and maybe she�ll agree to assign you elsewhere.�

�� Harry
pulled back to look her in the eyes. �And if she doesn�t, and I can�t stand
it?�

�� Ginny took
a deep breath and glanced at the table next to him. �Well. Then you have the
resignation letter.�

*

�� The
conversation with Wellington was a disappointment. She simply gave him a serene
look all the way through, her expression never altering, and Harry was finally
turned away with a vague promise of changing things if they became �truly
intolerable� and advising him to think long and hard about whether he wanted to
destroy a partnership this good.

�� Have you
thought about whether Auror Malfoy wants to be forced to work with me?� Harry
tried that last tactic on the threshold of her office, where she�d gently
escorted him. �He might not.�

�� Wellington
looked into his eyes, and then at the resignation letter he still carried in
one hand. �If you can get Auror Malfoy to sign this, then I will reconsider my
decision.�

�� So Harry
was striding down the corridor to their office again, his back prickling with
sweat and all his careful contrivances flown out of his mind. He had wanted to
avoid a confrontation with Draco. Just thinking about it made his head whirl.
The pain in the center of his chest, constant ever since Draco�s rejection,
throbbed like a newly-open wound.

�� He stood in
front of the door for long moments before he could make himself knock. His skin
was cold and slick. He knew he was a coward, and he didn�t care. Being brave
got him hurt.

�� And got other people hurt, too, he
thought. He didn�t believe Draco would have run away from him the other evening
if he had felt only indifference or amusement at Harry�s suggestion.

�� The door
opened at once. Harry stepped in, half-hoping that Draco would be snogging
Astoria against the wall and he could leave. Or drop the resignation letter on
the desk and run. If this was in the middle of an awkward moment, then surely
Draco wouldn�t have any trouble�

�� Where have
you been, you bastard?�

�� Once again,
Draco�s hands closed on his arms. Once again, he practically hurled Harry into
the wall. Once again, Harry felt his eyes flutter and his face burn when Draco
pressed close against him.

�� This time,
though, the pain was stronger. He looked at Draco long enough to make out his
salt-pale face and very wide eyes, and then shoved him away. He held up the
resignation letter. �All you need to do is sign this,� he said. �And then we
can leave each other alone, hopefully for the rest of our lives.�

�� Draco
seized the letter, so hard that Harry feared he might rip it. Then he turned
his back to read it. Harry rubbed his aching arms and wondered what someone
would think if they walked by and saw him hunched against the wall like that.
On the other hand, he wasn�t about to shut the door when he was alone in a room
with Draco.

�� Something that will never happen again. And
instead of a balm to the wound in him, that made it burn all the harder. Harry
shook his head. He didn�t understand why he had fallen in love with Draco, he
didn�t understand why he didn�t just fall in love with Ginny since he was
capable of that kind of passion, and he didn�t understand his own reactions.

�� A right mess, I am.

�� Do you
know what this says?� Draco turned around with an expression on his face Harry
had never seen before, but he was wise enough to know that it meant he should
try to get out of the room with his limbs intact. He licked his lips and
compromised by moving a step away from Draco, in the direction of the door.

�� Of
course,� he said. �I wrote it, after all.�

�� All of
Draco�s living, snarling movement became stillness in an instant. Harry peered
at him warily from under his fringe. Ever since he broke up with Astoria,
Draco�s moods had changed like that. Maybe he needed a girlfriend to keep him
steady and sane. He would need one to make him happy in the future.

�� Harry�s
throat burned at the thought the way it had when he had seen Astoria with Draco
at the Ministry party, but he did his very best to ignore that. His path will always lie with someone who�s
not you. The very least you can do is try and be happy for him in turn, and
never show your jealousy the way you
were foolish enough to show your other feelings.

�� Then Draco
was pointing his wand at Harry, who dived out of the way instinctively. The
spell flew past him, slammed the office door shut, and covered it with what
looked like a great, fuzzy mass of bread mold. Harry, staring at it, had the
unhappy impression that no sound would pass in or out.

�� You
thought you could avoid this,� Draco�s voice said from behind him, so thick
that Harry worried about him in turn. He stood up and put his back to the door,
reluctantly, only to find Draco moving towards him with light predator�s steps.
His lips were pulled back from his teeth in an expression that didn�t inspire
confidence, either, and his eyes�Harry had never seen his eyes look like that.
�I�m the one to tell you that you can�t. I�m the one you should have been
responsible to, in the first place. You should have come in and fucking told me. You shouldn�t have thought that
you could leave this behind.�

�� You�re not
yourself,� was Harry�s response. It had to be. Saying something violent and
angry would simply upset Draco further. He had one hand down at his side,
canted around his hip and his wand, but he wouldn�t draw it unless it became
necessary to defend his own life.

�� I�m more
myself at the moment than I�ve been since we left Auror training,� Draco
retorted, though he did stop a few feet away and rock there, staring at Harry.
�How could you�I didn�t think you were a coward. Not that.�

�� How long
did I keep the truth from you?� Harry said, despite the pain clinging to the
mention of the idea. If he could make Draco think about the thing that troubled
him most, then maybe he could make
him see why he had to do this. �I�m a coward. I always knew that. I never
wanted to be a coward to you, but it happened, and I have to go away to keep it
from happening again.�

�� Draco gave
that unnerving smile again and came closer. Harry clenched his fingers around
the wand, but, like an idiot, didn�t draw it. Ron would say that he was an
idiot, at least. He must be. He had to be.

�� Draco
reached out and planted a hand on the wall directly above Harry�s head. He
leaned closer, and his breath raked over Harry�s face. It didn�t smell the best,
to be honest, as if he�d been eating strong cheese.

�� Do you
know why I�m more myself right now
than I ever have been since the end of Auror training?� he whispered.

�� Why?�
Harry asked back, also in a whisper. His training was telling him that he
shouldn�t be doing this; Draco had all the dangerous signs that they�d been
told to watch out for in Dark wizards or others who might kill Aurors. But he
was drawn hopelessly along, at least while Draco spoke like that and didn�t
actually try to kill him.

�� Even then, I might not fight.

�� Because
the end of Auror training was when they partnered me with you.� Draco�s teeth
were all showing now, and he looked
Harry straight in the eye without blinking, instead of off to the side as he
usually did. �That partnership was the beginning of what changed me. Corrupted
me, I would almost say, except that the ending is going to be different.�

�� Harry
ignored the last words, which he didn�t understand, and focused on the ones
that seemed likely to make Draco agree. �I know,� he said. �It corrupted you
because I worked with you. I�m sorry.�

�� Draco shook
his head, and went on shaking it, long past the point where he should have
stopped. Harry remembered something Hermione had told him once, years ago, or
something he had read, that said bears shook their heads like that to express
anger. He would have shivered, except that he still couldn�t move.

�� I�m more
myself now,� Draco whispered, �because you were lying to me, and now you�re
telling the truth. I�m more myself now because I know that you�re in love with
me.� He grinned again, as if that was the most exciting news he had ever heard.

�� Harry cast
a worried glance at the door, and then remembered the fuzzy spell Draco had
cast over it. He relaxed.

�� Draco
followed his gaze, and laughed, nastily. �Afraid that someone might overhear
you? What�s the matter, you don�t have the strength to confess that to anyone
but me?�

�� No, I
don�t,� Harry said, deciding, once again, that the truth was the best road to take,
and not only because it might give Draco pause. Harry just didn�t have a lot of
other options when dealing with
Draco. Too much of his soul was bound up in the man. �I married Ginny knowing I
didn�t love her. I assumed Voldemort had damaged something in me and I�d lost
the ability. I wanted to make her happy. And then I realized I was jealous over
you when you dated Astoria, and I realized what that meant, and since then,
I�ve just been struggling to live with it. But I can�t be your partner anymore,
now that you know.�

�� Draco
stared at him in silence for long minutes. His expression had gone completely
unreadable. Harry started to edge to the side, assuming that Draco would let
him go, but Draco reached over and seized his upper arm, squeezing to hold him
in place. He didn�t seem to notice when Harry winced.

�� I�m the
only person you�ve ever been in love with,� Draco whispered. �You�re not
struggling with half your heart in your wife�s possession and half in mine. It
all belongs to me.�

�� You don�t
have to be nasty about it,� Harry said, stiffening his shoulders. If he
couldn�t stand up for himself because of guilt that he had lied to Draco, he
could still stand up for Ginny. �Yes, I fucked up. Now, will you sign the
bloody resignation letter and let me out of here?�

�� You don�t
even know what I�m talking about, do you?� Draco�s grin was a little less
terrifying, but still present, and he pushed himself against Harry�s body as
though he thought they would fuck through their clothes. Harry glanced aside,
wondering why he�d believed Draco had got rid of his meanness from Hogwarts.

�� No, I
don�t,� Harry said, when he realized Draco hadn�t paused for dramatic effect
but because he really wanted an answer. �Let
me go.� He reached up and pushed against Draco�s shoulders, hoping that
would convince him to back off.

�� Draco shook
his head. �I�ve been thinking about it,� he whispered. �I think we could get
along. In fact, this might make our partnership even better.� He traced one
line from Harry�s collarbone up towards his ear.

�� Harry had
never realized that that skin could be so sensitive. He gaped at Draco for a
moment before he grabbed his hand and threw it off. Draco winced, but didn�t
back away. He remained near, staring into Harry�s eyes, his breathing still
fast.

�� You�re
mental,� Harry snapped. �I�m not going to cheat on Ginny with someone who
rejected me.�

�� Does this
feel like rejection?� Draco leaned forwards and fastened his lips on the corner
of Harry�s jaw, lightly sucking.

�� Harry
pushed him off again, pained and furious and hard. He took the chance to slip
away from the wall and wheel around in the center of the room, between their
desks. Draco watched him, cheeks bright.

�� You�re not
in love with me,� Harry said, and tried to pour as much scorn into the words as
he could. �Maybe you just really don�t want our partnership dissolved. Don�t
worry; I�ll tell them that you did an exemplary job.� At making me want to pound you into the desk. �Maybe you want to
make me cheat on Ginny. I�m not going to let that happen, either.� He drew his
wand and aimed it at Draco. �Get the fuck out of my way.�

�� Draco
leaned one hand on his desk. His eyes were enormous, drowning, the expressions
in them difficult to read. �I could be,� he said.

�� What?�
Harry had been listening for an actual response to his questions, and so he stared
at Draco, knowing his face was blank.

�� I could be
in love with you,� Draco said. �If you give me the chance. If you let me learn.
I already know that I�m closer to you than anyone else, and when I was dating
Astoria, my thoughts were always straying to you.�

�� Of course
they were,� Harry said. He hated the hope he was feeling. Hope hurt. And it
really wasn�t the right reaction in
this situation. He didn�t think there was one. �We work together.�

�� I love it
when you act jealous over me,� Draco continued, moving closer. His eyes had
narrowed a bit now, and he looked as if he never intended to glance away from
Harry ever again. It was horrifying. It was nerve-racking. It was arousing.
�There�s nothing I�d rather feel than you against me. I trust you with my life,
and I�ll trust you with more than that.�

�� Stop it,�
Harry said, but his voice croaked. His will was weak. If it had been strong,
he�d have ended the partnership with Draco the moment he realized there was a
problem. Instead, he was still letting it go on.

�� I know
this could be the best thing in my life,� Draco said. He had dropped the
rictus-smile, and all that was left was the intense focus. �Let me in. Please.�

�� Harry
closed his eyes, pictured Ginny, and blurted out, �If all that�s true, then why
did you run away at first?�

�� Silence. At
least Draco didn�t try to lean against him and kiss him, which might have
defeated Harry�s argument in ways and for reasons that he hated to think about.
After a moment, Harry forced his eyes open and looked.

�� Draco
hovered near him, still, but he was frowning. Harry held his breath, hating and
hoping, both at once, that he had managed to force reason back into Draco�s
skull.

�� I was
afraid,� Draco said finally. �I�d teased myself with the conclusion that you
might like me as more than a friend and partner, played with it, based on some
of your behavior, but I didn�t dare actually believe it. To have it come true in front of me was more than I
could handle. So I had to get away.� He looked back up at Harry as if suddenly
realizing he was still in the room and gave him a lazy smile. �But I�m here
now, and fully willing to be.�

�� Harry
stopped him with an outstretched arm when Draco started to move forwards again.
�And what�s going to happen the next time you�re frightened? If we face
opposition when this becomes public? If people accuse you of stealing me from
Ginny, the way they will?�

�� Draco hesitated.
Then he said, �It doesn�t need to become public.�

�� Yes, it
would have to.� Harry found he was on steadier ground now, and Draco�s physical
presence seemed a little less overwhelming. He folded his arms, to keep his
hands out of temptation�s way, and glared. �I won�t date someone who wants to
treat our relationship like a dirty little secret.�

�� I only
meant�� Draco half-turned away and touched his fingers to his temple as if
fighting a forming headache. �It doesn�t have to become public right away. And
your wife might not mind.�

�� Oh, yes,
she would,� Harry said softly, thinking of the way Ginny had sounded when she
was talking to Hermione and hadn�t known he was there. Devastated just because
she sensed his attention straying. If he actually strayed� �She would very
much.�

�� Why?�
Draco demanded, eyes narrowed as though he had suddenly seen a way to punch
through Harry�s reluctance. �Don�t tell me she doesn�t have someone on the side
herself.�

�� That broke
the trance that had still gripped Harry. He leaned back and sneered. �She
doesn�t. And you, meanwhile, want me to risk my marriage for someone who�s
afraid to be with me, and who has to insult my wife rather than focusing on the
rightness of what we�re doing together.�

�� You�ve
already risked your marriage, falling in love with me,� Draco said.

�� But that
was involuntary. The actions I choose to take have to be of my own free will.�
Harry threw the resignation letter on his desk. �I�m leaving.�

�� Please
don�t.� Draco stepped back from him, but squeezed his eyes closed as though the
step had been a different one, off a very tall building. �I don�t think I can
get along with you. I know that I can�t function with a different partner.�

�� That was
what made Harry almost turn back. The hints of vulnerability in Draco�s
perfect-seeming mask, the trust that he showed to Harry by allowing him to see
those hints in the first place�

�� But he
thought of Ginny, whose vulnerability was pledged to him in marriage, and the
fact that Draco still didn�t really know what he wanted and might just be
lonely, and pulled himself back again.

�� I�m
sorry,� he said gently. �I would have stopped myself from falling in love with
you if I could. I think it�ll only fuck up both our lives. But leaving is my
attempt to stop it from fucking them up quite as badly as it could have.�

�� Draco
looked at him bleakly. �You won�t stay for me, as your partner and friend, if
not your lover?� he whispered.

�� Harry
looked at him across the expanse of the office, his slowly reassembling pride,
and saw the man he had fallen in love with. Draco had had his moments of
cowardice, but Harry had had whole months and years of it, refusing to tell
Ginny the truth, and then refusing to acknowledge what it meant when he fell in
love. Harry couldn�t despise Draco for not being sure of what he wanted.

�� I�m
sorry,� he said again. �There are some sacrifices that just won�t make anyone
happy, and only delay the inevitable.�

�� And this
is another of them,� Draco said lowly.

�� Harry
pretended he didn�t hear him as he left.

*

�� It was stupid,
how useless he felt.

�� Ginny had
looked at him long and hard when Harry informed her he�d stopped being an
Auror, but suggested that he take a few days to decide what he wanted to do
before he started accepting clients as a private dueling instructor. After all,
perhaps that wasn�t what he wanted after all. She would hate for him to make an
impulse decision, she said, and then spend the next few months or years
suffering because of it.

�� Harry tried
to ignore the tone in her voice when she said that, and the way she watched him
out of one corner of her eye.

�� Ron and
Hermione didn�t take the news any more calmly. Ron stared at Harry for a long
time the night he announced his decision at the Burrow, and after his parents
had stopped fussing and turned to listen to the news of Fleur�s next pregnancy,
he tugged Harry aside into the drawing room.

�� Really,
mate? You�re leaving?� Ron shook his head, then paused and shook it again, as
if the shaking would make the truth pop loose and let him understand Harry�s
perspective. �Why? Did Malfoy drive you out?�

�� Nothing
like that,� Harry said hastily, because he didn�t want Draco to pay the price
for his leaving at the end of Ron�s fists. He didn�t want Draco to pay any
price at all. This was Harry�s fault, Harry�s mess, and he would have to clean
it up. �I decided that I�d rather live a calm life, that�s all. I spent enough
time fighting Dark wizards in the war. I don�t want to do that for years on
end.�

�� Ron stared
him in the eye for so long that Harry�s own eyes started watering with trying
not to blink. Then Ron shook his head yet again, and said, �Yeah, I don�t buy
it.�

�� Harry said,
�Why?� and he thought he said it in a calm and collected manner, too, though
his voice was squeaky enough for Ron to give him a wry look.

�� Because,�
Ron said, �you don�t change your mind overnight about something like that. I
could buy it if you�d been an Auror for years and the cases got to you, but a
few months after we finished training? No.�

�� I didn�t
think it was going to be like this in training,� Harry muttered, which was
true. When he�d been in training, he�d always assumed that he would have Ginny
as a partner and that he would never have to face a mistake as fundamental as
whether or not he�d married the wrong person. �I have the right to change my
mind.�

�� Maybe, but
I think you�re lying to yourself and you�ll miss it,� Ron began. Then he must
have seen something in Harry�s face, because he exhaled and grabbed him,
hugging him hard. �But if you have to, then you have to. I won�t trouble you
anymore.�

�� Hermione
summoned him to the Ministry and her office and quizzed him there, up one side
and down the other, in between a series of flying memos and documents that
required her signature. Harry tried to talk about how apparently she was high
up in the hierarchy of the Ministry already, but Hermione waved a hand.

�� That�s
just hard work,� she said. �And people gave up after I shouted at them. Now.�
She leaned insistently forwards. �I know you wanted to be an Auror. Not even
all the attention you got after the war and the difficulties of training made
you give up. Why now?�

�� Everything would become instantly
comprehensible if I could just tell them about Draco, Harry thought
tiredly, closing his eyes.

�� But that
would be a betrayal of both Draco and Ginny. Draco didn�t deserve Harry�s
friends thinking he had done something to lead Harry astray, when nothing could
be further from the truth, and Ginny didn�t deserve her husband confessing to
being bent when he�d never leave her anyway.

�� I don�t
know,� Harry said, and stared at her bleakly. �Haven�t you ever felt like you
just had to make a decision, whether
or not it was the right one, because staying in the condition that you were in
at first was intolerable?�

�� Hermione
paused with her hand on the nearest memo, and her face softened, for the first
time all day. Harry sighed in relief. That meant she was about to be easier on
him.

�� Of
course,� she said. �I felt like that when we were traveling around in search of
the Horcruxes and not finding them. And when Ron kissed me during the final
battle and then didn�t do another thing for months
and months, so I had to coax him along.�

�� Harry
choked. That had been a bit more information than he ever wanted to know about
his best friends. Still, that had its uses.

�� You see?�
he asked quickly. �If it�s happened to you�and you�ve usually known what you
wanted more than I did�then it could happen to me.�

�� It could.�
Hermione touched the back of his hand as though she thought he would get
angrier at a heavier touch. �But I don�t think that that�s what happened here.�

�� Harry
ground his teeth. �Why not?� He tried to keep his voice polite, but Hermione
leaned forwards and peered into his eyes as if she could see words written
there that would tell her what Harry had tried to conceal.

�� Because
it�s too sudden,� Hermione said. �I know that you loved your job. It was all
you talked about. And even your partnership with Malfoy couldn�t have been that
bad, although you didn�t mention him often after the first few months.� Yeah, well, Harry thought rebelliously, let�s see you fall in love with someone
other than the person everyone�s assumed you should be with and see how well you
handle it. �Did something else happen? You can tell me, if you want. I
won�t tell Ron.�

�� But there
was no promise to keep silent to Ginny, and in any case, Harry didn�t think he
could betray the secret without Draco�s consent, now. He shook his head, lips
pinched shut, and Hermione sighed in that way she always did when she was trying
to help people out of the goodness of her heart and they simply would not
cooperate.

�� I just
hope that you�re right about the silence, Harry,� she said, and turned back to
her complex but not complicated world as Harry slipped out of the office.

�� It was hard
because those were the first few weeks, Harry told himself. It would be easier,
much easier, once he had grown used to this decision, and then everyone else
would, too.

�� Ginny
adjusted and started encouraging him to look for dueling instructor jobs. Ron
and Hermione gave him curious glances, but seemed to have waited until he was
ready to discuss it. Mrs. Weasley sent him several plates of food and
invitations to talk, and then got distracted by other events in her huge
family.

�� He had
forgotten there was one more direction from which an objection might come.

*

�� The knock
woke Harry at once, although it was a single, muffled sound. He had trained
himself to sleep lightly not long after he began in the Auror program. Who knew
when hearing one small sound could be the difference between life and death?

�� He sat up,
reaching for his wand, and looked anxiously at Ginny. But she slept on, even
when the knock repeated.

�� Harry
didn�t think it was anything dangerous, by now, or the wards would have
reacted. He rubbed sleep from his eyes, put on his glasses, flung on a robe
that was lying over the back of the bedroom chair, and cautiously went down the
stairs.

�� The ground
floor of their house looked strange and dangerous in the moonlight, though
Harry had seen it like that plenty of times before. He told himself it was the
lingering remnants of his dream and his fear, and opened the door.

�� Draco stood
there, back turned to Harry, arms wrapped around himself as though he were
freezing, even though it was a summer night.

�� Harry knew
the feeling.

�� Then Draco
turned around to face him, and his eyes were so wide and face so white that
Harry thought he must have come about something related to Auror business after
all. He moved back, holding the door open, and whispered, �What�s wrong?�

�� Draco shook
his head and remained in place, trembling now. �Not there,� he whispered. �I
won�t enter the house where you live with your wife.�

�� Stung,
Harry stepped out to join him and shut the door behind him. �What is your problem, then?� he asked in a voice that
he kept low. He didn�t want to alert Ginny, but at the same time, he didn�t
want to act as though he was hiding a dirty secret with Draco. He had nothing
really to hide, now, not since he had made his decisions and done the best he
could to live up to them. �Why come here if you hate this place?�

�� Draco
remained silent for so long that Harry considered going back inside. And then
Draco replied, in a flat voice that nevertheless thrummed along Harry�s nerves.

�� I need
you.�

�� Harry shut
his eyes and told himself that this was not
what he had wanted for so long, that it might meant any number of things. After
some attempts that ended in dry chokes, he found his voice.

�� You can
learn to work with a new partner. Give yourself time. If the new one is someone
who doesn�t like Death Eaters, then��

�� Don�t be
an idiot.�

�� That
sounded more like the Draco he knew, assertive and snappish. Harry looked
again. Draco leaned towards him, one hand extended and laid flat as if he was
touching an invisible wall that loomed between them. Well, no matter what he
thought, the invisible wall had to stay there, Harry thought, staring back.

�� If it was
only the work,� Draco said, �the way I thought it was at first, I wouldn�t feel
like I�m missing a limb. I wouldn�t be constantly turning to share a joke and
realizing you�re not there. I wouldn�t lie awake at night tormenting myself
with fantasies of what we could have and then crying out in misery when I come,
and come back to reality.�

�� Harry�s
lips were so dry that he had to push at them before he could speak. �But�but
that doesn�t mean that you�re in love with me,� he said.

�� What the
fuck does it mean, then?� Draco�s voice was savage. He pushed forwards, and
Harry had the sudden, terrifying vision of the invisible wall between them
disappearing. He should move backwards, prove it was still there and would be
no matter how Draco pushed, because the wall was made of his will. But he
couldn�t force his legs to work as he listened to Draco�s tirade. �I�ve never
been in love before, either! I don�t know how it works. I only know I want you, lust after you, struggle to stand on
my own without you, like you, want to be with
you. There�s no other name to give that, no other name I know, except
love.�

�� Harry shut
his eyes again, because that was the only way he could deny what was happening.
�It sounds unhealthy to me,� he said, desperately clinging to some of the
language Hermione had taught him. �Have you seen a Mind-Healer? You need to be
complete in yourself, not dependent on me��

�� Fuck that.�

�� Draco
covered the distance between them, as though the wall had ceased to exist.
Harry opened his eyes and stared, because it should have held�

�� And then he
realized, in the same moment as Draco�s hands closed on his arms and Draco
leaned forwards to shove his tongue into Harry�s mouth, that the wall was made
up of Draco�s fear, too. Without that, and because Harry�s will had wavered,
there was nothing to hold him back.

�� And Draco�s
fear was gone.

�� Harry
moaned and lost himself for long minutes to the way Draco pushed at him, the shove of tongue and the grip of fingers digging
into his arms and the taste that seemed driven straight into his nostrils and
lips by the way Draco kissed him. He couldn�t describe that taste more
accurately than �hot,� but that didn�t seem to be a problem. Nothing mattered
but the clench and the push and the shove.

�� Then he
felt the press of wood against his back, and wondered what it was, and
remembered the doorframe.

�� That they
stood kissing in front of his house, wide open in the night to anyone who
wanted to see them, anyone who might be lurking around the Chosen One�s house
in the hope of capturing some amazing shot.

�� The house
he shared with Ginny.

�� Harry had
to find the same strength he�d discovered in the office, buried deeper this
time, to push Draco away. And it was even harder because Draco braced his feet
and pinched cruelly rather than stop the kiss. Harry nearly gave in, luxuriating
in the touch and the satisfaction of having who he wanted, at last.

�� But it
wasn�t enough. It never would be, when he would ruin Ginny�s life right along
with everything else.

�� So he
pushed Draco away, and stood there panting, raising one hand. He thought he
should wipe his lips, to express rejection. He thought he should do something to show Draco that he didn�t
just accept what Draco had chosen to hand him.

�� He couldn�t
do it. He was licking his lips too much, savoring the taste there, and Draco
was looking at him with rage, scorn, something close to hatred, lust, and
triumph.

�� I knew it
would be like that,� he whispered. �Or more intense. Like that.� He stepped
forwards again, one hand curving as though he held an invisible wand. �What�s
going to happen if I touch you again?�

�� I don�t
know.� Harry�s voice was so hoarse, so ragged and broken. No use pretending
that he hadn�t participated. He had sinned against Ginny. The only thing he
could do was make sure that it never happened again, by exiling Draco from his
life.

�� No, you
don�t.� Draco�s expression shifted, becoming both softer and slyer. The hatred
was gone, but the triumph burned so bright Harry cast an instinctive glance
upwards, thinking it would awaken Ginny. �Because you�ve never been touched in
that way in your life before, and neither have I. We both need this.�

�� Harry
lifted both hands to form as much of a wall as he could, though the barriers
felt shattered and he didn�t know that he would ever get them back in the same
condition again. �I can�t do that. I married Ginny. She loves me. She depends
on me. She would be devastated if I left.�

�� He had thought
that argument would have one of two effects: either Draco would storm away in
disgust or get so upset he couldn�t argue coherently. Instead, Draco�s smile
sharpened with amusement, and he leaned one shoulder against the door. Harry�s
breath quickened. He couldn�t help it,
he thought defensively. Draco looked like the perfect mixture of the schoolboy
Harry had known, the cold man he�d met that first day in the office, and the
partner and friend he�d come to know.

�� Harry had
sometimes had the impression before that Draco was fragmented, showing only
those facets of his personality in the Auror office that would be acceptable
there, suppressing his tendency to break the rules along with half the rest of
himself. Now, for the first time, all the aspects of Draco Malfoy were whole,
complete.

�� Integrated.

�� And your
absence does worse than that to me,� Draco said. �And from the weight you�ve
lost since we parted, I dare say it does the same to you.�

�� Harry put
one hand defensively over his belly. Weight? What was Draco talking about? He
had noticed that his robes draped a little more loosely over him lately, but�

�� Then he saw
the way Draco was moving closer, step by step and inch by inch, and recognized
the words for the distraction technique they were. His throat throbbed and his
cock, which he�d been able to ignore until that moment, was warm enough to
almost compel him to squeeze it.

�� Her
happiness is built on a lie, anyway,� Draco breathed. �I�ll see that lie
shattered and you where you belong.�

�� I�ve lied
so many times,� Harry said. �To you, to myself, to her. But this was the
original lie. I married her because I didn�t think I could fall in love with
anyone, that Voldemort had damaged me because I had a Horcrux in my head. She
never would have married me without that. It was my own fault. Why can�t I
preserve that one lie, the lie that makes her happy and my friends content?�

�� Draco
paused, eyebrows rising. �I ought to know that you wouldn�t have married her
for a selfish reason,� he murmured. �But that doesn�t answer your question, or
mine. You did fall in love. You
belong with me. Right now, three people are unhappy, since I can�t imagine that
she hasn�t noticed something. Come with me, divorce her, and two people will be
happy, and only one distressed.�

�� A lot more
than that,� Harry said bitterly. �The Weasleys will be upset. I�ll probably
lose my best friends. I��

�� You�re not
really afraid of that.�

�� Harry
swallowed. He looked back at Draco�s face, proud and calm, and the bright eyes
that never wavered. He wished for a dark moment that they had never been Auror
partners, that Draco had never learned to read him so well.

�� I�no,� he
said.

�� Then I
don�t understand why you stay.� Draco ran one finger thoughtfully along his
temple, tracing the line of an old scar that Harry had often followed with his
eyes but never asked him about. �You�ve admitted that you�re not in love with
her. You can�t care about hurting her more than you care about hurting me.�
Harry had to close his eyes at the simple, proud assurance in Draco�s voice.
�Why, then? What is it that you�re so determined to protect?�

�� I made a
stupid decision,� Harry said, feeling as if he were falling off a new cliff
with every word he spoke. �It was ignorant and selfish, and I shouldn�t have
made it. But the least I can do is stick by it now that I�ve made it, instead
of changing my mind.�

�� Oh, of course,� Draco said, a flare of contempt
returning in his eyes. �I should have known. It�s your willingness to play
noble martyr that keeps you here.�

�� I don�t want to play that role,� Harry snapped.
�It hurts, you arse.�

�� I�m sure.�
Draco looked him over in a leisurely fashion. �Merlin knows why I fell in love
with you. Easy on the eyes, yes, but the masochistic streak is rather wide for
my preferences.� Then he chuckled. �But you�ve taught me a new emotion. I feel
sorry for your Weasley, since I�ll win in the end.�

�� You can�t
be sure of that,� Harry said, clutching with desperate hands to his wavering
hope.

�� Yes, I
can,� Draco said. �I can see your eyes.� He turned to walk away.

�� Where are
you going?� Harry called, and cringed. His voice had come out as an abandoned
wail.

�� Draco gave
him one more leisurely look. �I�m not going to betray you to your wife,� he
said calmly. �I think you should make this decision on your own. And your
cowardice has to cease being an obstacle between us of your own free will, or
there�s no reason to think that you won�t break and run from me, too.�

�� You�re
different,� Harry said, impulsively.

�� Stupidly.

�� Draco�s
smile was slow and dazzling. Then he faded into the darkness, and left Harry
with the ruins of his life falling around his ears.

*

�� He didn�t
go back up to Ginny. He didn�t think that he could stand to lie in the bed
beside her and know that he was pretending, that he would wake up to a lie in
the morning and a lie in the evening and a lie the next night after that, when
they were making love.

�� He sat in
the drawing room instead, and lit a small fire, and eyed the bottle of Firewhisky
Ron had got him for a �retirement� present. But then he decided that his
thinking was muddled enough already, and turned back to look into the flames.

�� Even then,
Harry really couldn�t think. His
emotions were in too much of a knot. They tangled themselves around his heart
and tugged in sixteen separate directions.

�� Fear.
Despair. Anger; how could Draco ask him to hurt Ginny like this? It was only
possible because Draco really didn�t care
about Ginny, and Harry knew that, but it was still shitty, that he was
willing to hurt Harry by asking him to leave his wife.

�� The wife you don�t love. The wife you lied
to and tricked into marriage.

�� Harry put
his head in his hands. He felt as if he was falling, and on the way down, he
tried to grab all the justifications that he�d had for marrying Ginny in the
first place.

�� She won�t be happy with anyone else. She
said herself that she�d never fall in love with anyone else.

�� The
merciless response came back, tolling like a bell from hollow walls. And she could be wrong about that, just as
you were. You certainly weren�t called on to make her life a joke and your life
a sacrifice to her happiness. She never asked for that. She would have laughed
at you if you really told her what you were doing.

�� He fell,
faster and faster.

�� I fit in so well with her, and with her
family. Leaving would devastate everyone�her parents, my friends, her brothers,
and her. How can I cause so much hurt for the sake of a happiness that might
not last very long anyway? Draco�s prickly and offensive, difficult to get
along with. I don�t know that I�ll spend the rest of my life with him. Most
likely I�ll end up alone and feeling stupid because I made another sacrifice and it didn�t work.

�� The answer
this time was like the thrust of a sword.

�� You�re causing more pain by keeping things
this way, even if they don�t know it yet. Your marriage will fall apart
someday. It won�t last beside the strength of your own longing, and Draco�s.
It�s better to give in and at least not be cheating on Ginny with Draco,
juggling your life with her and your life with him, and lying about that, too.
You�ve never been unfaithful to her in body. Don�t start now.

�� Tumbling,
and twisting, and it was as though a vast wind was blowing around Harry that no
one but him would ever feel.

�� I do love Ginny. Isn�t that enough?

�� No pause
this time between question and answer. Not
enough for you. Not for her. Not for Draco. And you know that your cowardice
has grown to the point that it�s interfering in your life. Do you want it to
start causing them the kind of pain that it�s causing you?

�� Harry
reached the bottom, and an enormous, silent crunch seemed to surge through his
body, the knowledge of his own wrongdoing cramping his muscles, breaking his
bones.

�� He had been
wrong. He had been stupid. He had known it was a mistake when he made it, that
marriage, and he went ahead and made it anyway.

�� There, at
the bottom of the night, Harry drew in one painful breath, and then another.

�� He had been
wrong. He had been stupid. He had known it was a mistake when he made it, that
marriage, and he went ahead and made it anyway.

�� But that
wasn�t the end. It couldn�t be. If it was, then the rest of his life would be
only guilt and blame, and no atonement.

�� And he had
to make up for his cowardice and lying in the only way he could: by gathering
up his courage, and telling the truth.

�� Harry
lifted his head. The fire had died away to embers. He hadn�t noticed when that
happened. His breath honked in his lungs. He touched his cheek and came away
with tears on his hand that he turned back and forth, staring at them in fascination
by the weak light.

�� He�d always
lied this way and tried to avoid the consequences of his mistakes because he
was afraid those consequences would be too painful to bear. For a long time, it
hadn�t seemed as though there was any reason to face up to them, anyway. Why?
Everything was going along perfectly well. And then he had fallen in love with
Draco, and things had changed, but part of him had still believed the old deception,
that what could happen was worse than
what was.

�� Harry
smiled. Only now did he realize how very effectively he had lied to himself,
along with everyone else.

�� He touched
his face, finding that his nose wasn�t broken, his cheeks not shattered, his
skull not staved in, despite the overwhelming, hot pressure of his guilt.

�� Things
weren�t going to be easy. Never that.
But they would be better than the way things were right now.

�� That was
why he made the decision, in the end: not because he had realized on his own
all the nobility and purity of principle that he�d been neglecting lately, not
because he had gazed into Ginny�s eyes and realized he couldn�t deceive her any
longer, but because he was more afraid of one type of pain than another.

�� But it was
better than some other ways the consequences might have fallen out. It was
better than Ginny catching him with love bites on his neck, or catching him and
Draco fucking.

�� Harry took
comfort in that, and in the fact that he still breathed despite the iron weight
of the guilt, as the fire and the night both wound to an end.

*

�� Ginny? We
have to talk.�

�� She knew
immediately that tone meant he was serious, and her eyes became quiet. She sat
down in the chair in front of the fire, the one Harry had been sitting in when
he fell, and stared at him.

�� Harry spent
a minute watching her before he started talking. She had her hands clasped on
her knees and was biting her lip to hide her apprehension. All those little
gestures he knew, all those little gestures he had no right to. If Ginny needed to be in love with and marry
someone, he should have left that position open to someone who would appreciate
her. And she might do just fine on her own.

�� I�ve been
lying to you for a long time,� he said. �I think it�s time I told the truth.�

�� You�re
fucking someone else.� Ginny said it flatly, as if that would diminish her
pain, but Harry saw the way her hands twisted together. �I should have known,
from the way you were trying to avoid sex with me.�

�� Harry shook
his head. �No,� he said. �But I am in love with someone else, and I�m not in
love with you. I married you under false pretenses, to give you a happy life,
and because I thought I was damaged and couldn�t really love anyone.�

�� Ginny sat
up straight, her cheeks draining of color, her eyes so big that Harry winced
and immediately wished he had broken the news another way. The problem was, he
couldn�t think of any way to break it
that wasn�t insensitive. It would have been a lot better if he could just have controlled
his actions and feelings in the first place.

�� This isn�t the first time you�ve fucked up, he
reminded himself, and met her eyes.

�� That can�t
be true,� Ginny said, but her voice had a pleading tone to it that Harry knew
well. She would believe him when she heard the evidence, although she might not
want to. �Is it?�

�� It is,�
Harry said. �I thought I was damaged by Voldemort, because he made me into a
Horcrux.� Ginny nodded, lips firming as though she was facing a dangerous trek
down a cliff. �I tried so hard to date people, to date women or men, to
fantasize about people when I wanked, and still, nothing. So I just decided at
the end that I wouldn�t ever fall in love, and then I heard you talking to
Hermione about how I was your one person that you would feel comfortable loving
or marrying. I wanted to give you what you wanted.�

�� You had no
right to use that knowledge against me that way,� Ginny whispered. She stood
up, shaking, and clasped her hands together. Harry kept an eye on them. He
wouldn�t blame her if she wanted to hex him, but he drew the line at things
that could kill him. �No right.�

�� I know,�
Harry said. �I�m sorry.�

�� That
doesn�t make up for the fact that our marriage is a sham!� Ginny spun to face
him, her hair flying. She looked ready to kill. Harry told himself that he
wasn�t really in danger, that she had
far more right to be upset than he did, and managed to continue sitting. �You
never felt anything for me, did you?�

�� The same
kind of love I felt for Hermione,� Harry said. He kept his body relaxed, his
face open, with an effort, because he had just remembered that Ginny had the
same kind of Auror training that he did, the training needed to take down
suspects and inflict injuries that would slow them but not kill them. �And
concern that, if I could be doing something about your situation and didn�t,
that would make me a criminal.�

�� So you
decided to do something far worse instead.�
Ginny shut her eyes and snorted through her nose. �Do you deny that it was
worse?� she added suddenly, opening one eye and focusing on Harry.

�� Harry shook
his head.

�� Ginny gave
him a look filled with fire and loathing, and Harry winced again, but sat there
and took it. So far, he�d got off more lightly than he had any right to expect,
and he would do what Ginny asked: explain the situation to her family, give her
the house if she wanted it, give up some of his Galleons (though he really
didn�t think Ginny was that petty). She might demand more than that, once he
answered the question she saw gathering in his face.

�� Who is
it?� she demanded. �It has to be an Auror, because you wouldn�t have quit the
Auror program without that motivation.� Her head moved in a tiny, irritated
flick, and Harry knew it was at herself, for failing to put the pieces
together.

�� Draco,�
Harry said.

�� He�d
wondered if she would be surprised by the news or just nod grimly. He hadn�t
realized how much he�d been expecting the second reaction until she staggered
back, gripping at the couch, nearly shocked off her feet.

�� That�s
impossible,� she whispered. �You said that you tried dating men and they didn�t
do anything for you.�

�� Neither
did women,� Harry said. �If you had been a man, and my friend, and in love with
me, I would have settled down with you for the same wrong reasons. It really
didn�t matter to me.�

�� It must
have,� Ginny said, her eyes and cheeks gathering furious heat again. �That�s
why you couldn�t love me, isn�t it? Because you�re bent.� Harry flinched at the way she spoke that word, but he reminded
himself it wasn�t personal, that she was angry at him and not at every man who
might be gay.

�� I don�t
know,� he said instead. �Maybe that�s part of it. But Draco�s the only person
I�ve ever been in love with, so I don�t know. I�m so sorry, Gin��

�� All this
time,� Ginny said, �you would have been happier if I had blond hair, and hated
you, and had a cock.�

�� No,� Harry
said. �That�s not what drew me to him. It�s just the way he trusts me, and the
way I worked with him��

�� This time,
she slapped him. Harry ducked his head, clutching his cheek, and wondered why
he�d thought it was a good idea to enumerate Draco�s attractive features in
front of the wife he was leaving.

�� I don�t
want to hear it,� Ginny said coldly above him. �You�re going to get out of this
house, and go off to your precious lover.
I�ll tell my family, because you can�t be trusted with the truth,
obviously. Don�t try to owl me, or firecall me, or do anything else until I
contact you.�

�� Harry could
feel the rising urge to justify himself, to argue. But once again, he really
was getting off too lightly. He nodded, stood, and walked towards the door. He
had nothing but the clothes he was wearing and his wand, but that was enough,
considering who he was going towards.

�� I really have no right to feel so happy, he
thought as he opened the door.

�� Potter.�

�� Harry
closed his eyes, feeling the shattered edges of his loss grind against him for
the first time since his fall, and looked over his shoulder.

�� Ginny was
standing in the middle of the drawing room, arms folded, glaring at him with
eyes that had tears around the edges but were cold in the middle. She was
fighting her grief with her rage so very hard, and Harry ached. He would have
gone over and taken her in his arms a day ago�hell, half an hour ago.

�� My life is changed, but hers is destroyed.

�� I�m never
going to forgive you for this,� Ginny said, and her head dipped for a minute as
if she was going to bow it, but she ended up staring at him again. �I want you
to know that.�

�� I�m not
going to forgive myself, either,� Harry said. �Everything would have been
easier if I�d faced up to the truth and had the courage of my convictions in
the first place.�

�� I hope I can fall in love with someone
other than you,� Ginny said bluntly. �And I hope that you and that bastard
don�t last.�

�� Just blame
me, not him,� Harry said. �I�m not going to blame you for anything you want to
do to me short of actual assault. But if you hurt him, then I�ll make sure you
can�t anymore.�

�� Ginny made
a choked sound and turned away. �Get the fuck out of here,� she said, her voice
filled with so many emotions Harry could have spent a lifetime naming them all.

�� Harry went.

*

�� His first
stop was Gringotts, to pull out enough Galleons to live on for a few months. He
didn�t know what would happen there, what Ginny would demand or do or ask. His
vault was hers, too, under the marriage agreements, and it wasn�t impossible
that she would empty it.

�� But it was
hard to think about that, when he was thinking about the future instead.

�� You are selfish, he accused himself as he ducked through Diagon Alley and
into the Leaky Cauldron to get some breakfast. Think about Ginny and feel sorry for what you did to her, rather than
plotting what�s going to happen next.

�� He was wise
enough about his former lies to know what would happen if he tried, though. He
would invent excuses to think about Draco, excuses to pity himself, and excuses
to be rude to Ginny when she contacted him. It was better to acknowledge that
he was flawed and do what he could to make up for actual crimes, rather than
trying to control his thoughts.

�� I can go to him now, Harry thought, and
licked crumbs off his fingers as he finished a meat pie. Assuming that he wants to see me.

�� He did
hesitate then, wondering if he should find a place to live first, or owl and
see if Draco actually wanted to meet with him. But then he stood up, shook his
head, and deposited a handful of Galleons on the table to pay for the meal.

�� I have to get used to acting bravely again,
and making apologies rather than excuses.

*

��

�� The gates
of Malfoy Manor were shut when Harry first Apparated onto the path that led to
them, but by the time he looked up from dusting himself off, they had opened.
Harry raised an eyebrow. The only way he knew of doing that would be to tune
the wards to him.

�� He walked
slowly down the path, watching the white peacocks. They fanned out their tails
and released agitated cries when they saw him. Harry wondered what the Malfoys
kept them for. Sure, they made noise, but there were more efficient alarm
systems. He couldn�t imagine they added much to the decorative effect of the
grounds, either, not with what they must produce in shit and scattered
feathers.

�� Then he
realized that was something he could ask Draco about, if he wanted to. He had
that ability now, that permission. Harry smiled and quickened his pace.

�� Before he
could knock at the door, a droopy-eared elf opened it and eyed him dubiously.
Harry nodded to the little creature. �Could you tell Auror Malfoy that Harry
Potter is here, please?� If Lucius was here at the moment, he thought that
would clear up any confusion about which Malfoy he wanted.

�� Harry?�

�� The voice
made Harry shudder. He craned his neck over the elf�s head and saw Draco
standing halfway down the stairs, foot apparently extended to move to the next
step, his eyes wide with wonder.

�� Hullo,�
Harry said, and felt absurdly shy. He became aware that his clothes were
rumpled, his hair unwashed, his mouth stinking of morning breath. He stuck his
hands in his pockets and looked down at his boots. �I left Ginny. I thought I�d
come here.�

�� Left her?�
Draco utterly disregarded the house-elf as an audience, coming further down the
stairs and watching Harry with greedy eyes, and so Harry did his best to
straighten his shoulders and do the same thing. �Or left the house?�

�� Left them
both behind, probably for good, unless she doesn�t want the house in the
divorce,� Harry said, and met his eyes squarely. �I chose you.�

�� He�d
imagined Draco would fling himself into his arms, but he should have known
better than that. Draco wasn�t so demonstrative (unless he was crazed with
longing and the fury that came from Harry running away, it seemed). He took a
deep, quiet breath now and unfolded his hands, as if he�d been holding
something captive in them he finally let go.

�� Then he
came down the stairs and reached for Harry�s arm. Harry walked past the
house-elf into the maze of twisting corridors that seemed to take up the ground
floor of Malfoy Manor and tried not to be overwhelmed by the marble and ivory
and alabaster splendor of it all.

�� As it
turned out, that was easy. He couldn�t spare much attention for those riches
when Draco�s body pressed a blazing line against his side.

�� They ended
up in a small room that might have been a library or a study or something in
between. Two shelves of books stood against the wall furthest from the window,
but comfortable islands of chairs and tables dotted the wide carpet leading
towards the fireplace, and the windowsill was broad enough to serve as another
seat. All of it was decorated in white and gold. Harry caught a brief glimpse
of the gardens before Draco pushed him into a chair and stood over him, staring
down.

�� You came,�
he whispered. �I never thought you would.�

�� Harry
looked at him, and let his anger rise to the surface instead of suppressing it
because he had no right to feel it over something Draco had done. He could do that now, he told himself. It wasn�t
the most thrilling freedom he had experienced since confessing the truth to
Ginny, but it was one of the best. �What was all that snogging and snarling
about, then?� he asked. �If you thought you didn�t have a chance at getting me
to wake up and see how much I was hurting everyone involved��

�� I never
thought it would be like this,� Draco interrupted, with a shake of his head. �I
thought you would sneak away from your wife at least once. I thought there
would be a speech about how we couldn�t sleep together when your lips were
still swollen from sucking my cock.� His eyes met Harry�s, direct and honest
although his words were scathing. �I thought, in other words, that you�d
continue to act exactly the way you have all along.�

�� Harry
winced. He deserved that one. But he still shook his head. �No,� he said. �You
woke me up. I went through�a revelation last night. I couldn�t make Ginny
happy, and that would have been the only reason to stay married to her. And I
can�t ignore being in love with you. If I could, I would probably still have
tried it,� he added.

�� Draco
scowled in turn. Well, it�s better to be
honest than anything else right now, Harry thought, but he felt a tremor of
fear. Ginny could be right. He and Draco might not last.

�� But he and
Ginny never would have.

�� I�m kind
of amazed that you fell in love with me,� Harry said, and managed to laugh
despite everything when Draco rolled his eyes. �Really, how did you? I was
acting like a friend most of the time, and then like an arse the last few
months.�

�� Draco sat
down on the table right in front of Harry�s chair, his knee jogging. Harry
wondered why he didn�t take a chair himself, and realized a moment later that
the table was the closest piece of furniture to him. He smiled, swallowed, and
waited.

�� I could
see the compassion you had for me shining through despite all that,� Draco
said. �Once I got over thinking it was pity�which wasn�t easy, let me tell
you�then I started to appreciate it. You made an honest effort to work with me,
against factors greater than I knew about at the time. You defended your
friends without acting like I was evil or stupid for criticizing them. You
trusted me. You were a good Auror.� He abruptly turned his head and pinned
Harry with a hard stare. �You are going
back to that.�

�� Probably,�
Harry admitted. �Of course, they might not let partners be partners.� If
that�s what we are.

�� I know,�
Draco said. He stood up. Harry waited for him to turn away or pace in a circle;
he was moving as restlessly as though he intended to do that.

�� Instead, he
bent down and kissed Harry again, more fiercely than he had when driving him
into the wall outside Ginny�s house.

�� Harry
groaned, �Fuck,� in return, which
made Draco chuckle, and reached up to wrap his arms around Draco�s neck and
drag him onto his lap. Draco gave in with a gasp, and then Harry was holding
him in place and could snog him all he liked.

�� His tongue
went deeper. His hands learned a million different textures of Draco�s hair,
and then he forgot them all in the middle of Draco�s taste. He grunted and
tried to get closer still, while Draco�s elbow nudged him in the gut and his
knee caught Harry�s shoulder in odd places.

�� Yes,
this,� Draco panted when Harry released his mouth for a moment to find a more
comfortable position. He didn�t explain what he meant, but he didn�t need to.
He bit Harry�s chin, licked soothingly at the mark he�d left, and then pushed
Harry against the back of the chair in return.

�� Harry
didn�t think it was fair, how breathless he was getting or how hard. He reached
under Draco�s shirt and pinched his nipple in retaliation.

�� Draco cried
out in shock, and Harry pinched again. Then Draco imitated the tactic, and
Harry groaned and sighed and whimpered, releasing all the sounds that he had
been obliged to fake with Ginny.

�� I�m not thinking about her right now, Harry
decided, and thought instead about the bluntness of Draco�s nail as it scraped
over the edge of his nipple.

�� They got
out of the chair and towards the bedroom somehow. They stumbled into walls on
the way, bruising their elbows and heels and heads, but it didn�t matter. Harry
could so easily dissolve pain into pleasure that even the teasing thoughts of
Ginny melted away at last, and he was left with Draco�s restless hands and
bright, frantic eyes.

�� Only when
they fell onto a large bed with soft sheets, after a progression through doors
and stairs that Harry couldn�t have traced by himself, did he realize that they
hadn�t agreed on what to do, what would happen next. He pulled back a little
from Draco�s mouth and hesitated, gasping in air as much as courage.

�� Oh, for
the love of�� Draco lifted himself to one elbow and managed to make it seem as
if he was looming above Harry, even though he was just lying beside him. �If
you tell me that you�re having an existential crisis about this now, after everything we�ve gone through
to get here, I�m going to kick you out of bed.�

�� You
wouldn�t do that,� Harry said, grinning in spite of all the doubts. �You want
me too much.�

�� Then maybe
I�ll Stun you and fuck you that way,� Draco retorted, blinking hard to get the
sweat out of his eyes. �There are options,
you know.�

�� Harry
laughed and reached out to kiss him again. He had wanted to hear that voice, he
thought, sounding exactly like that. He
had wanted to hear Draco being upset and indignant and irreverent. He wanted to
hear him sounding irritated and happy and tired, too, for the rest of his life.

�� I thought I would be with Ginny for the rest
of my life.

�� Harry
reminded himself that he was allowed to consider other things sometimes besides
how badly he�d fucked up, and turned his head so that he could eye Draco more
closely. �How about I fuck you first, and then you fuck me?�

�� No,� Draco
said. �The other way around. This is the first time I�ve done this.�

�� Harry
blinked, started to open his mouth, and then remembered that he had been with
men before, at least, when he was trying to figure out what was wrong with him.
Besides, he had to admit to a stir of curiosity about what would happen if he
let Draco inside him first. Not that it would make Draco perfect, or anything,
but he wanted to know, with the same
devouring, greedy eagerness that he�d felt since he�d come into the house
today.

�� All
right,� he whispered, and lay back, pulling the rest of his clothes off. Draco
knelt there for a moment, either transfixed by Harry�s naked skin or astonished
that Harry had agreed to let him go first, and then shook his head and got up
from the bed.

�� Harry
looked around when he�d dropped all the clothes off the side of the bed, and
blinked. The bedroom was�calmer than he�d thought it would be. Draco seemed to
like landscape paintings, most of them showing tame green park-like settings,
small single trees, and pools of water. The ceiling was curved and arched,
along with the canopy of the bed, but not in any outrageous way. Here and there
was a touch of gold or bronze or jade, but Draco seemed to have much better
taste than Harry had known.

�� Here,�
Draco said, and clambered back into bed with him, carrying a little sealed pot
of blue liquid. Harry picked up a dab on his fingers and wrinkled his nose at
how cold it was. Draco apparently took the expression in another way and drew
back, folding into himself like a crab.

�� If you
can�t do this,� he said, but Harry grabbed the back of his neck and bit his
lips until he got the idea and rolled the lube between his fingers to warm it.
Then he reached down, fingers skimming between Harry�s legs and back.

�� His other
hand, with no warning whatsoever, closed over Harry�s cock.

�� Fuck,� Harry said, and dug his heels
into the bed, and thrust up. He had no idea what direction Draco was in; the
room had started spinning lazily, and he wanted to keep his eyes closed,
anyway. It seemed to be the only way to deal with the sharp-edged sensation
flowing through his body, like warm wire.

�� Yes,�
Draco said, and he could have meant the word in any of several senses. He dug
into Harry�s arse with his fingers, and Harry would have said something about
roughness, but combined with the stroking on his cock it felt like the best
thing in the world.

�� He forced
his eyes open, because there were sights he didn�t want to miss no matter how
good it felt, and saw Draco studying his erection with his forehead wrinkled as
if he was afraid that he might touch it wrong. That was the same expression he
used when he was worrying over the details of a case, and Harry remembered, as
strongly as he�d ever remembered anything, the way Draco had felt pressed
against him as they crouched under Disillusionment Charms in a dirty alley,
waiting for their target to reveal himself.

�� It�s all
right,� Harry said.

�� Draco
snatched his head up in one jerk and sniffed. �I know that,� he said, but Harry�d seen the flash of his eyes and
knew how grateful he was for the reassurance. �Like this�let me�down, right?�

�� And then
Harry was swept up and caught up in a new experience. Whatever Draco might
think, this was as new for him as it was for Draco. Harry had always felt
vaguely pleased whenever someone fucked him or fingered him, but it was missing
that passion he saw in other people�s faces.

�� Now he felt
it himself, and it was like being pressed against sweaty skin, caught up in a
dream, with no way out, no way to draw back. He gasped and whimpered and cried,
and that was before Draco had more than a single finger in him. When Draco
started to ease his cock in, Harry realized, for the first time, that he could
break apart, not just make someone else break, the way he had with Ginny.

�� He reached
up and clutched Draco�s shoulders. Draco paused in slinging one of Harry�s legs
around his waist and stroked his hand. �It�s all right,� he whispered.

�� Harry
wondered when he�d started reassuring
instead of challenging, but he was thinking more about the edge of the cock in
him, the keen pleasure cutting at him, sawing at him, and the way that he could
lose himself in just the way Draco�s eyelashes trembled and fluttered with the
beginning of sensation.

�� It�s so
sharp,� Harry said helplessly. �Why is it so sharp?�

�� Draco
caught his breath, and then triumph flushed his face. �Because that�s the way
it�s supposed to be,� he said, sinking home in Harry and groaning and sighing
his way around the words. Harry knew he must have paused at least once to speak
the longer sentences, but that wasn�t the way it was in his memory, where the
words and the wordless sounds mingled. �When you love someone.�

�� Oh,� Harry
said quietly, and then arched his back again as he realized, really realized, that Draco was inside him and
there was no escape.

�� No moving
away from this, no releasing himself from the clutch of Draco�s arms around
him, tight and gripping, the clasp of someone else�s embrace, the bite of teeth
here and there, the tangle and trap of Draco�s hair around his fingers, the
wideness of his eyes and the helpless clucking of his tongue.

�� No moving
away from the weight of his tongue inside his own mouth, and the openness of
his arse, and the pleasure and the pain and the passion that swept through him
and drowned him, again and again and again,
as implacable as sickness.

�� No moving
away from how he felt when Draco�s grip tightened and he hammered home, or when
Draco froze and quivered, or from the orgasm that stalked him, stroked him, and
shook him as if it would break his neck.

�� There was
one way, Harry thought as he lay there in the aftermath, that sex with Ginny
had been good for him, too. He�d been safe.
He could watch Ginny�s face as she broke apart and enjoy physical pleasure
without being caught up like this.

�� He was
never going to be safe again.

�� Stop
thinking about her,� Draco ordered, and seized Harry�s chin to kiss him,
drowning Harry�s denial that he hadn�t been, not really.

*

�� There
aren�t any words for what you did.�

�� Harry
nodded. He was standing in the Burrow, in the middle of the day after he�d been
accepted back into the Auror ranks. Ron was standing in front of him, his back
turned as though he could make Harry cease to exist by not looking at him. His
arms were folded so tightly they made his shoulders bulge.

�� Harry was
getting used to that by now. Draco�s parents had decided that nothing remarkable
had happened and their son was not dating Harry Potter, and looking in another
direction that wouldn�t force them to meet Harry�s eyes was one of their
favorite tactics.

�� Ginny�s
going to be years recovering,� Ron said, and stared at Harry hostilely over his
shoulder. �And I don�t know if we can be friends anymore.�

�� I know,�
Harry said. �I�m sorry. I really would have liked it if things could have
worked out differently.�

�� They could have,� Ron said, turning around
and laying his hands on the kitchen table as if he was going to rock it on its
foundations. Harry would have preferred that. All his friends and all the
Weasleys had been quietly disgusted and self-contained. He could have dealt
with accusations accompanied with hexes. But they were on the reasonable side,
and he wasn�t, and he had to keep remembering that. �Don�t you dare tell me
that you couldn�t have resisted Malfoy�s seductions. I know the git, remember? He isn�t that attractive.�

�� Harry
blinked a little. Then he said, �I fell in love with him. If I�d been honest
and the kind of person I really thought I was, I would have told Ginny the
minute I realized.�

�� If you�d
been honest and the kind of person I thought
you were,� Ron said harshly, �you never would have married her in the first
place.�

�� Harry
stared at the floor. He didn�t understand his emotions. He thought either his
guilt or his happiness should have been steady, but instead he went back and
forth between self-scorn that left him feeling lacerated and joy that ripped
pieces out of him. �I�m sorry.�

�� That
doesn�t make it better,� Ron said.

�� I know,�
Harry said. �Would anything?�

�� Ron did
rock the table this time, and his face flushed. Harry was glad. He felt like he
was dealing with his best mate again, not some polite stranger. �You wanker. If you think we�re going to
start liking you again because you offer us money or��

�� That�s not
what I meant,� Harry said. �I mean, does Ginny want anything specific in the
divorce settlement? Or is there anything I could do that would make you lot
more comfortable?� Ron stared at him, and Harry stared back, trying to drop
whatever masks across his face were keeping Ron from seeing what he really
felt. He was distressed. He was sorry. He wasn�t going to walk away
from Draco, and he�d been wrong in the first place, but he wasn�t cheerful
about his losing his friends and his wife and his adopted family, either.

�� Ron licked
his lips. �Leave him.�

�� No,� Harry
said.

�� You said anything,� Ron said, and folded his
arms.

�� It
wouldn�t really solve the problem,� Harry said. �You know it wouldn�t. I would
still be in love with him, and not with Ginny.�

�� Why not?� Ron drew his wand. Harry kept his
hands tucked down. He didn�t think Ron would really hurt him�maybe turn his
tongue green or temporarily blind him, but no worse than that. Ron was just as
hurt and bewildered and caught between difficult choices as Harry was, if not more.
�Why couldn�t you fall in love with her?�

�� I don�t
know,� Harry said. �It was just�something that happened. And my falling in love
with Malfoy is just something that happened. I think it�s best that I finally
stopped lying. Ginny deserved better than everything I did to her, but she
especially deserved better than any longer in a marriage that was a lie.�

�� Ron gripped
his wand hard enough that Harry was afraid he would break his fingers. �You had
some preparation. Her life just fell apart one day.�

�� I know,�
Harry said. He hadn�t seen or heard from Ginny since the day he�d walked away
from her, a fortnight ago now. He thought maybe it would be best for both of
them if they never did meet again. �I�m sorry.�

�� You keep saying that.� Ron leaned his palm
against his forehead. �And the answer is that I don�t know either, all right? I
don�t know what Ginny wants yet, other than to be divorced as fast as possible.
I don�t know what to make of you. Hermione doesn�t want to speak to you again.
Mum wants to try. It�s just�it�s very complicated.�

�� All
right,� Harry said gently. He had come to this meeting today hoping to settle
everything, but he realized now that that�d been stupid. If they could go along
by little, small steps, one at a time, that would work best, and maybe they
would someday get back where they needed to be. �I�ll wait for your next owl.�

�� Ron nodded
at him, and then turned violently away and pretended to study a spiderweb on
the windowsill. Harry walked out of the Burrow, into the light drizzle there,
and then paused as he felt a hand touch the small of his back.

�� I know
you�re there, Draco,� he whispered. �Under that bloody Disillusionment Charm. I
told you not to come.�

�� Draco moved
up beside him, from the sound of the footsteps, and murmured, �He might have
hurt you badly. I couldn�t allow that.�

�� Ron
wouldn�t do that,� Harry said, but he could already picture the doubtful look
on Draco�s face, even without being able to see it. He shook his head and extended
one arm. He couldn�t blame his friends for distrusting his lover or vice versa,
not when he was the only link between them right now. �Come on, let�s go home.�

�� Draco�s
fingers closed down tightly on Harry�s arm, the way they always did when Harry
called Malfoy Manor home. And he was the one who Apparated them, the wetness on
Harry�s face translating abruptly to the shaded dryness under the portico in
front of the Manor. Draco dropped the Charm and turned to face him, holding out
his arms.

�� Harry
stepped forwards, deciding that Ron wasn�t the only one who�d needed the
confirmation that he wouldn�t walk away from Draco, and then drowned him in a
kiss. Or tried. He thought Draco was still better than that, since he�d felt
passion long before Harry had.

�� But he was
learning.

�� Draco�s taught me about courage, he
thought as he pulled back and stared into Draco�s face. And honesty. And love. But he can�t teach me everything. I think I�ll
always be learning.

*

�� That was
the fourth step.

�� The End.

*

�� polka dot: Aspects
of this really are, including how afraid they both are.

�� lpnightmare:
I�m glad to know that Harry isn�t the only one who had that reaction!

�� thrnbrooke:
Which specific way were you talking about? Mostly, she�d begun to suspect he
was cheating.

�� Stargirl77:
I hope you liked the ending.

�� MewMew2:
Thank you!

�� lissagal99:
I promise I wasn�t keeping it. It hadn�t yet been written when I posted the
last one.

�� angelmuziq:
I think you could argue that she should have confronted Harry with her
suspicions when she began having that, but other than that, yes, absolutely
nothing wrong. That�s what breaks Harry�s heart in relation to her.

�� Kayla
Kodai: Sorry, I really hadn�t written it. In general I write my chapters not
long before I post them.

�� Sarah:
Thank you! I hope you enjoyed the last chapter.

�� purple-er:
Thank you! Sorry there wasn�t any Auror action in particular here.
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Stepping Stones