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Harry Potter and the Serving of Justice	By : MikiNDaxxi Category: Harry Potter > General > General Views: 16660 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: We own no part of Harry Potter or his magical world and make absolutely no money by wasting our time writing this sludge. We did not create these characters; we just abuse them ad gratis. Our humble apologies to the disclaimer police.

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Snape gave a sigh of exhaustion as he settled back into his chair behind the headmaster’s desk of Hogwarts. He put his feet up on the desk, placed his hands behind his head, and allowed his eyes to fall shut. He massaged his temples and attempted to organize his thoughts.

“Wait,” said a random student who was standing conveniently next to Snape’s desk, waiting to help along the story’s narrative, “you’re headmaster?”

Snape’s brow furrowed.

“Of course,” replied Snape without opening his eyes. “Remember? I never died.”

The student shrugged.

“Well, I think everyone figured that Hermione just ruled everything.”

Snape’s eyes flew open, and he jerked out of his chair, pointing a bony finger at the student.

“Quiet, fool!” snapped Snape. “I’m her Grand Vizier!”

The student looked confused.

“Like Jafar in Aladd—?”

“NO! Nothing like that!” barked Snape as he hastily stuffed Iago the parrot into his desk.

“SQUAWK!” said Iago.

“Now, get out of my office! Who do you think I am? I have no lemondrops for you!” He rummaged in a drawer. “I have peppermint sticks.”

He pelted the student with candy.

“Now leave!”

The student blundered out of the room, protecting his eyes from the candy barrage.

The door of a cupboard squeaked open, and Hermione popped her fluffy head out, struggling to drag a bag filled with the former headmaster’s prized possessions out after her.

“So,” inquired Hermione as she rummaged through the sack, “is giving candy to children part of the headmaster’s job description?”

Snape propped his elbows on the desk, intertwined his long fingers and looked at Hermione

with a grave expression on his face.

“Actually, yes.” He replied. “Section Twelve, paragraph four, line two.”



“Huh, oookay…”

She thought of the old headmaster— Dumbledore, that twinkly-eyed bastard.

“Is pedophilia in there too?” she asked.

Snape shook his head.

                “No, it says, ‘One must get inside one’s students in order to know them….’ Everybody interprets Section Twelve differently.”

                “Right,” said Hermione, dumping her loot bag in a corner and dragging a seat over to Snape’s desk. “Well, moving along…where is the task force? I require shiny.”

Snape consulted one of the whirling instruments on his desk.

                “They should be here any minute,” he said.

Just then, there was a cacophony of thuds on the other side of the headmaster’s door. It sounded like a multitude of primates banging into each other and squabbling.

                “Flying monkeys?” speculated Hermione.

                “I think the Weasleys have arrived,” said Snape with a quirk of his eyebrow.

The door banged open and in filed Ginny, Fred, George, and Charlie Weasley.

                “Why do the Weasleys look like a biker gang?” asked Snape, watching in casual fascination as Ginny wiped some blood from her nose with a motorcycle-gloved hand and sniffed in so hard that the air whistled through her nose ring.

Fred and George mock saluted.

                “Mission ready!” they announced in unison.

Hermione eyed the twins, taking in their attire.

                “Why are you wearing studded leather trench coats? It’s conspicuous.”

                “What we have under them is more conspicuous,” they replied suggestively.

Hermione sighed.

                “Just take them off,” she commanded.

The twins looked at each other, smirked, and shrugged. Everyone watched curiously as the twins removed their coats to reveal a pair of very naked Weasley twins. Well, naked with the exception of the black Harley Davidson bandannas on their identical, red heads.

                “Matching tattoos?” noted Hermione in an inquiring tone.

                “They’re part of a series,” explained Fred.

                “So, may I ask? Why are you naked under your trench coats?”

                “Oh,” said George, “we have a twincest photo shoot after this.”

                “What??” cried Hermione in irritation. “I told you, no side contracts! You are in my porn company!! Wait, how much money do you make? We’ll discuss this later.”

The twins grumbled to each other and slipped back into their matching coats.

She addressed the group before her.

                “So, thank you for—“

She paused to glare at the twins who were still grumbling. Noting her penetrating look, they reluctantly fell silent.

                “Thank you for coming. Let me explain the plan.”

She reached in her robes and pulled out the time turner on an exceedingly long, delicate chain.

“Three years ago, Dumbledore brought a horcrux back to his office. This particular horcrux was the fabled Resurrection Stone, housed in a ring bearing the sign of the Deathly Hallows. Attempting to destroy it, the old coot couldn’t resist its power and put on the ring. Fortunately for all the young wizards of the British Isles, the ring poisoned him and assured his eventual demise. However, Dumbledore did succeed in destroying the ring right after this incident. That’s why timing is so very important. You need to arrive back on this spot, three years ago, right after he’s poisoned himself, but before he’s destroyed the ring.”

Hermione paused, looking about to make sure everyone followed her. Ginny was already cracking her knuckles.

“Now,” she said, holding up the chain of the time turner, “I’m going to put this chain around all of you and bring you back to the appropriate time. As soon as you get there, I need quick, efficient action. I don’t care how you do it. Get the ring, and get back into the chain. You have seven minutes to accomplish— FRED! GEORGE! STOP TOUCHING EACH OTHER AND PAY ATTENTION! This is important, damn it!”

Fred rolled his eyes, and George grudgingly shoved his hands back into his own pockets.

Still eyeing the twins, Hermione continued, “You have seven minutes. Don’t fail me.”

She put the chain around them, leaving the time turner operation in Charlie’s care. The Weasleys flickered and disappeared for a moment and then, suddenly, reappeared- splattered with blood and other unidentifiable liquids.

“Are you okay?” inquired Hermione.

“Oh, fine!” Ginny assured her. “This blood isn’t ours.”

“Did you get the ring?” Hermione pressed urgently.

“Uh-huh,” said Ginny, reaching into her jacket and pulling out a bloody finger with the ring still adorning it.

She tossed it to Hermione. Hermione caught it, grinning malevolently.

“Excellent. Did everything go smoothly?”

“We were brilliant!” declared Fred.

“Yeah,” agreed George, “we were all like, ‘BLAM! That’s for being a pervert! KAPLOW! That’s for your creepy eyes, you geezer!’ And he was all like, ‘Oh! Please stop! Have mercy!’ Lulz.”

Charlie snickered in remembrance, spinning the time turner on his finger. Hermione held out her hand, and he passed it back to her.

“So,” Charlie looked at Hermione, “now what?”

“Now,” said Hermione, “we bring back Sirius and Lupin.”

She cleared her throat and continued, “I have two theories about how this thing works…So, I thought we’d have a test first.”

“And on whom do you propose testing that thing?” inquired Snape from behind his desk.

“I thought we might test it on Hedwig. You know, as a surprise for Harry. Draco tells me he’s been a very good boy and is learning lots about being DoS.”

“What’s DoS?” asked Fred.

“It’s Japanese slang for ‘Big Sadist’,” promptly replied George.

“Why do you know that?” Fred asked his twin.

“Why do you not know that?” retorted George with a hint of resentment. “Death has really changed you.”

“I’m sorry, what?” asked Fred at the window from which he had just tossed out some of the miscellaneous clutter from Dumbledore’s shelves. There was a scream and a crunch from the innocent bystander upon whom it had fallen.

George smiled, and his eyes welled with tears at the beauty that was his twin’s mind.

“N-n-nothing,” he choked and ran over to hug him.

“ANYWAY!” pressed Hermione loudly, “Hedwig, yes, Hedwig.”

Everybody pressed close to watch as Hermione made some complicated hand signs and wand movements over the ring.

There was a blinding flash of light and un-dead Hedwig poofed into existence, yawned, blinked her round, zombie-owl eyes and flew into the air, attempting to claw out Snape’s eyes.

“SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECH!!,” said Zombie Hedwig. (Zombie-owl translation: BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAINS!!)

“Get it away!” cried Snape, scrambling under his desk.

“Awwww! It’s adorable!” exclaimed Ginny. “Maybe I should kill my pygmy puff, Arnold, and resurrect him again…”

“Hmmm…” said Hermione, thoughtfully tapping a finger against her cheek. “Okay, so method one brings back evil zombies…now for method two!”

She grabbed the ring, turning her back. Everyone peered, trying to see what she was doing, but then there was a sudden POOF of dark purple smoke. There was much coughing. As the smoke cleared, a figure became visible.

“LUPIN!” chorused everyone.

“Lupin! You’re back!” enthused Hermione. “Wait. Where’s Sirius?? And furthermore, where’s your shirt? Wait, you look good! Being resurrected has taken years off your appearance!”

Lupin tossed his silky hair.

“Yes,” he said, “well, why do you think Cloud looked so good? Using all those phoenix downs- Asian beauty secret.

“Hey!” cried the Japanese boy band Arashi. “That’s one of our secre—“

“Hush,” interrupted a particularly boyish-looking member, called Nino. “We have others.”

“Damn it, Arashi!” shouted Hermione. “I told you! Asian boy bands are NOT allowed in this fic! Weasleys, it is part of your job to keep them out!”

“But,” protested MatsuJun, pointing at the sexy sitting atop the headmaster’s desk, filing his nails, “Heechul’s here!”

“I’m sorry. I stand corrected. Japanese boy bands are not allowed in this fic,” replied Hermione as if it were obvious that Koreans would be the exception to her rule. “Those strict Korean dance practice schedules and mandatory military service really do the body good,” she commented with a lingering stare at Heechul.

Fred and George looked interestedly at the rather pretty Korean boy who they had noticed when they first entered the room but had been too busy touching each other to inquire about.

“Yeah,” said Fred. “Who is he?”

“You don’t know who he is??” exclaimed Ginny, incredulously. “Did you not see the posters in my room? I have a Super Junior shrine! How could you have missed it? He’s only like my Kpop god!!”

“Super Junior?” questioned Charlie.

“Kpop?” inquired Snape.

“Korean music!!” snapped Hermione, looking at Ginny for reassurance that the males in the room were merely being moronic. “It’s only the best thing since chocolate!”

“Super Junior is only one of the most popular groups on the planet!!” exclaimed Ginny, in a completely unbiased fashion.

“Better than cheesecake?” asked Charlie.

Heechul looked up.

“Of course I’m better than cheesecake, slave.” Heechul sent him a particularly pants-wetting smirk.

“Yes,” said Charlie, wiping the blood that had gushed suddenly from his nose. “I think I see now.”

“So why is it OK for Heechul to be here and not us?” asked Arashi.

“It’s because I’m pretty,” answered Heechul, batting his eyes and sticking out his tongue at Arashi. “Also, the writers of this fic married me in M.A.S.H.”

“Both of them?” asked MatsuJun.

Heechul looked down.

“Yes,” he said quietly.

“You had to touch a female body?” asked Nino in horror.

A collective shudder ran through Arashi.

“That’s disgusting,” said Nino, pinching another member’s ass.

And with that Arashi disappeared in a large puff of sparkly, gay smoke.

“Oh, great,” said Snape dryly, “now there’s glitter in my tea.”

Hermione looked at Lupin, the resurrection stone, back to Lupin. She tore her eyes away from Lupin’s pore-less face.

“But where’s Sirius?”

“Hmmm…”considered Lupin. “I didn’t see him at the death party.”

“There’s a death party?” gaped Hermione.

“Did I say death party? Why would I say that? There’s definitely no death party, and there’s definitely no cake at this party that doesn’t exist…and it’s certainly not delicious. This isn’t the death you’re looking for,” he waved his hand, “move along, move along.”

Hermione scoffed.

“Jedi mind tricks only work on the feeble minded.”

“Damn,” said Lupin. “Anyhow, I didn’t see Sirius. I don’t think he’s actually dead.”

“But he fell behind the veil…”

Lupin considered this.

“Perhaps the veil isn’t what we just assumed it was without investigating other possibilities whatsoever. Why did we think it killed him in the first place? Because Dumbles said so?

Hermione facepalmed.

“Fuck. We must go through the veil.”

“We’re going to Narnia?!” asked Mr. Tumnus from the office wardrobe excitedly. “Yay!”

“No, we’re going through the veil, not the wardrobe.”

Mr. Tumnus pouted and proceeded to do goat-like things.

“Were you going to eat this shoe?” he asked Fred.

“Hey!” said Fred. “My foot’s still in that! It kind of tickles.” He poked Mr. Tumnus firmly with his wand. “Stop that!”

“I need to plan and do some research,” said Hermione as she gazed out the window in contemplation. “We’ll meet back here this time next week.”

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New update! The story is finished, and we will adding chapters pretty much weekly until it's finished~ Please review!
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Harry Potter and the Serving of Justice