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Lost and Damned	By : danniperson Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male > Harry/Snape Views: 24087 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, the characters or the world or anything, and I make absolutely no profit from this.

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Lost and Damned

Now the Dark Is Taking Over

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Harry didn‘t know what to think of Snape suddenly rushing off the way he had, but he had been too tired upon entering the dormitory to think much on it. He fell into bed, immediately falling asleep as his head hit the pillow. For the first time in weeks he had a non-sexual dream, though he didn‘t count himself too lucky.

It was another…Nightmare. Nothing was too clear. He only caught flashes of images, mere glimpses into what was happening. He heard voices…Mainly Voldemort making some grand speech about his return that too quickly became him reprimanding the followers who had given up on him and praising those who had remained loyal. He caught curses and screaming and flashes of light. Death Eaters fell to their knees in agony as they suffered what Harry could only assume was the Cruciatus Curse. A few fell and never got up, never moved, never did anything. He could hear cruel laughter and shrill screams. Then he caught glimpses of Death Eaters attacking others, but those being attacked didn‘t put up a fight. He caught on a bit later that this was Voldemort‘s gift for those who had remained loyal to him after he had gone. He heard his own name mentioned now and then, but Harry could hardly get the gist of everything.

After a while, Harry realized the punishments had ended and tried hard to pay closer attention to what was being discussed, but he only caught bits and pieces of the conversation, and the more he tried to cling to the image, curious and desperate to know what was going on, the more he slowly began waking up and the harder it was to hold onto the images until there was nothing but blackness behind his eyes and silence in his ears. Harry sighed heavily and opened his eyes. There was a bit of light coming in through the window, the sun just beginning to rise. Everyone else was still sound asleep. Harry shook lightly as he looked around, sort of wishing someone else was awake. He couldn’t decide if he was more worried or angry, and couldn’t really figure out why he felt either. Death Eaters being attacked was a lot better than innocents being attacked. But deep down he knew Snape was among their number. Somehow he knew he was one of those unfortunate to suffer being tortured. And, somehow, he knew exactly which masked figure he was. Harry shook his head and laid back down, closing his eyes. There was still a few hours left to sleep, and as exhausted as he felt, he found it impossible to fall back asleep, his mind too wide awake right now.

He hated Voldemort. And he hated these nightmares. Perhaps that was where the anger was coming from. But what disturbed him was that concern he felt in the way his heart raced and his stomach twisted painfully was for the Potions Master he had continually been dreaming about. Even if his arousing dreams about the man said something about attraction, he wasn‘t sure why he‘d be worried about that greasy git.

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The following week was Snape-less. Now and then, Harry had a spare moment to actually worry about the man, but luckily he had been too busy all week to pay attention to much of anything. After his Occlumency lesson with Snape, Harry pushed himself to focus more on important things like protecting himself and worrying more about Voldemort than stupid teenage hormones. OWLS were this year, so he had those to study for. Quidditch practice every afternoon this week. And after dinner, he continued his lessons with whoever could spare a few hours for him. Shackelbolt and Tonks took over the first two days while Lupin managed to come in the remaining days that week to help out. Since he was cleared of detention with Snape until the man was back, Umbridge found it necessary to give him detention of her own one day. The scar on the back of Harry’s hand made him feel like a real detention from Snape would be preferable to that woman. Then there was Hermione’s constant need of him, now that Ron and Susan were displaying more public displays of affection than usual (it all started when Harry and Hermione’s “relationship” became public, though neither really noticed).

And every night he would go back over the things he had learned in his lessons on his own in the Room of Requirement before finally heading to bed right before curfew. The first two nights he almost willed himself to dream about Voldemort, though that was of no use. Only that one dream and Harry wondered if he would only have a dream or two scattered every few weeks instead of the constant, nightly thing it had once been. On the third ngiht he reminded himself that avoiding dreaming about Voldemort was the entire point (or most of the point) of his Occlumency lessons and began practicing that before allowing him to go to sleep. It seeemed that while trying to dream of Voldemort was useless, but trying to avoid him was exactly what it took to get him in his head.

It was another conversation about Harry, though Voldemort wasn’t surrounded by a large group of Death Eaters. Only three masked figures were kneeling before him, being circled by the snake, Nagini. The three knelt patiently while Voldemort hissed to his snake in Parseltongue and Harry understood every word. “They are spineless fools, Nagini. So afraid…Yessss…You can smell their fear, too? They should be afraid…Don’t worry, my pet. If they fail me, they will at least make a fine meal for you,” he chuckled and Harry noticed the new look of hunger and interest Nagini took when looking at the three figures. “Maybe even sooner than that, if I seek entertainment. Look how they tremble…So beautiful…Yet they seem so useless. I’m sure finding other…recruits…shouldn’t be difficult, hmm? Perhaps I have only just returned…But my power…Yes, I have power. And I will keep getting power…And no matter how noble people like to believe they are…Who can truly resist a taste of power? Who could resist me, when faced with the threat of their lives? The lives of their families? Yes…Replacing these imbeciles wouldn’t be a chore.”

Finally Voldemort began speaking in English to his patient followers, though Harry hardly noticed the difference in the languages. Voldemort smiled a smile that chilled Harry to the bone as he eyed his Death Eaters. “I want Harry Potter,” he began, glowering as one of the Death Eaters turned his head up to look at him. The man quickly looked back down, but before he could right himself, Voldemort raised his wand and muttered, “Crucio!” and the man fell to his face, knees sliding out from under him as he screamed in pain. It only lasted a few seconds before the man was panting heavily against the ground and Voldemort continued as if nothing had happened. “Unfortunately the boy is currently under the protection of Albus Dumbledore. We must be willing to do…anything…to get him. I need…spies…I need…someone to get close to Potter. Someone to learn all of his secrets. A new friend, perhaps? Someone to gain his trust and, in the end, betray him? They‘ll all be on guard now. It wouldn‘t be an easy task. But not an impossible one. The first person to bring me any…useful…information about the boy will be rewarded very handsomely. Fail me and the consequences will be most severe.”

“Yes, my Lord,” they all said in union.

Voldemort whipped out his wand again, but before Harry could figure out what he was going to do, he woke up. He gasped and sat up straight, blinking rapidly and gasping for breath. He felt sick to his stomach as he looked around the dormitory at the other sleeping Gryffindors. He was going to keep his eyes open and be very careful with who he trusted or who he was even around, more than likely. Knowing something like this was useful, right? What good would stopping these nightmares do if they could help?! Even if they had a spy among Death Eaters, Snape, that didn‘t mean he would know everything. It was going to be hard working on Occlumency when Harry was starting to become convinced it was better to just have these nightmares. Even if Voldemort could see into his mind, it wasn‘t like Harry knew anything useful. Not yet anyway and he couldn‘t help but think not ever. Maybe, though, this was why they didn‘t tell him things. Harry slowly laid back down, arguing with himself before falling back into a dreamless sleep.

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Sunday was the first day Harry really had all week to really rest. He had miraculously finished all of his homework, no one was available to train with him today, and there was no Qudditch practice since they’d just had and won a game against Ravenclaw. Hermione was in a rotten mood, too upset to even want to do any of the things she was usually all the eager to do. Harry wasn’t sure why for a while. He wondered if maybe something happened with Ron, but he hadn’t seen Ron much today, either, for him to ask. Early afternoon he considered going down to the headmaster’s office again. He had gone earlier that morning, when he figured he had a relatively free day, figuring he might as well tell Dumbledore about the dreams he had had. The only free times he had the past few days, Dumbledore was always busy talking to someone else and he hadn’t even been in there this morning. He was starting to get a bit worried, but just as he was about to get up off the couch in the common room to leave, Ginny plopped down beside him.

“Hey, Harry,” Ginny said with a small smile. Her boyfriend, Dean, lingered nearby, but Ginny shot him a glare and Dean eyed Harry uncertainly before walking off. Harry was a bit confused, but he figured with the obvious crush Ginny had had on him for years, the boyfriend might have a right to be a bit worried.

“Hey, Ginny. I w--” he began.

“Hermione punched Ron in the nose earlier today,” Ginny cut in, having not heard Harry begin to speak as she looked around the common room to see if they had any privacy. Most people were out, but a small group finishing up homework sat on the floor in front of the fire. She blushed a bit and laughed nervously, shaking her head. Harry‘s eyes grew wide in surprise. “She was lucky none of the teachers saw. No one really saw but Susan,” Ginny said, grimacing as she said the girl‘s name. She wasn‘t fond of the girl, obviously. “Ron just told me. Best I can figure is that Ron and Susan have been a bit more…affectionate lately. Ron was going on about how jealous Hermione was of them. I don‘t know why she‘d be so jealous of them when she has you,” Ginny said, rolling her eyes. “Ron wasn‘t too happy with that. He wouldn‘t say much, but all I know is that they got into an argument or something and Hermione just hit him. Lavender said she was crying a bit in the girl‘s room earlier,” Ginny said, frowning. “Not meaning to pry but…Do you think she…might still have feelings for Ron?”

Harry momentarily thought of Dean, wondering if Dean had ever approached anyone asking if Ginny still had a thing for him. Harry focused on Ginny, though. Most people might assume she was asking in hopes of having Harry to herself, but Harry didn‘t think of it much like that. Even if Ginny did like him, she was a good person and a good friend and he couldn‘t see her being so…so much like other girls. They were friends, though, and Harry figured he could trust her. “Actually…” Harry said, clearing his throat and shifting on the couch. Harry counted Ginny as a friend and he knew she and Hermione were rather close. Plus, Harry had a feeling Ginny already had some idea of things. She was awfully smart. Harry shifted in closer to her, not wanting to be overheard. “I‘m sure she does. You see…We‘re not…really dating.”

He figured he had judged correctly. “Ooooh,” Ginny said, nodding and not looking very surprised. “So…?”

“This whole…Thing…Started when Hermione found out Ron was with Susan. She just came into my room and started kissing me and…Well…We’ve been doing it ever since. It makes her feel better and it…helps me with some of my problems, I guess,” Harry admitted, feeling foolish and guilty again for admitting it. Ginny clucked her tongue in a disapproving manner that made Harry think of her mother. “Well the day it started going around school, Hermione decided to snog me in the hallway when she saw Ron and I guess Susan spread it around. Hermione asked me to go along with the rumors…I guess to make Ron jealous or at least make her feel better about him dating Susan,” Harry said with a shrug.

“So why are you doing it, Harry?” Ginny asked. She obviously didn’t like the idea and Harry understood why. Even if it was because she did still like him (which Harry himself doubted, though sometimes he wasn’t so sure), he also knew that it wasn‘t exactly a good thing he and Hermione were doing. It wasn‘t the right thing at all. Not a very Gryffindor thing, he thought to himself. There was nothing good or noble about two friends using each other to get their minds off of things or to get revenge or whatever other reasons the two of them had.

“You know, you could always talk to someone about your problems or find a hobby other than snogging your best friend,” Ginny said teasingly, though there was a serious edge to her voice and an all too serious look in her eyes.

“Yeah,” he said, his stomach feeling nauseous as he thought about it. It had become less about all of his problems and more about convincing himself that he was straight. And convincing everyone else that he was. Harry wasn’t exactly sure anyone else questioned it, but somehow the moment those worries arose, he had thrown himself more into his time with Hermione, not wanting to even question it himself, let alone have anyone else do it.

“Do you? Wanna talk about it?” Ginny asked, sounding a bit concerned now.

Harry laughed shakily and shook his head. “It‘s just a lot of things, Ginny. A lot of the usual things…You know…Dark wizard‘s out to get me and all. And…other things,” he admitted, though he knew he wasn‘t about to say a word of any of it to anyone. Instead he stood up and smiled apologetically. “Actually, I have to go see the headmaster now. But…Maybe you could go check on Hermione?” he suggested, glancing towards the girl‘s dormitories. Ginny‘s gaze followed his and she nodded. “Of course,” she said and stood up, heading off to see her friend. He turned in time to see the study group on the ground watching them, glancing between Harry and Ginny and Harry sighed as he headed out of the common room. He could only imagine the new rumor he‘d wake up to tomorrow morning. Or would more than likely have to face the moment he left Dumbledore‘s office.

There wasn’t much time, though, to worry about rumors about him or what he should do about his situation with Hermione. He had been working on staying focused and keeping his mind on the important things and worrying about those ahead of everything else. Staying safe and anything involving Voldemort was going to have to take top priority. It was too much of a risk not to be. Harry knew he was going to have to tell Dumbledore about these dreams. He had a feeling Dumbledore would encourage him to work harder on Occlumency, despite the fact that Harry thought these dreams were more helpful than anything. Still, his dreams weren’t helping many people if he kept it to himself. Any way he could help the Order of the Phoenix, he would.

Harry was determined to see Dumbledore and was disappointed to find that the password had changed as he faced the gargoyle. Harry sighed heavily, wanting to hit his head against the wall. He tried as many desserts and candies as he could think of and felt himself frustrated when none of them worked. Why did it have to be so bloody hard to see the headmaster? Harry sighed and resigned himself to coming back later and reminding himself to try to stop and ask one of the professors if they could give it to him, should he see any of them.

“Potter!”

Harry‘s stomach sank as he glanced up to see Snape walking down the staircase he was currently walking up. “Hello, Professor Snape,” Harry greeted politely, hating that small relief he felt as he glanced the man over. He seemed fine. He glanced up and resisted the urge to blush and look away at the man‘s glower. It seemed to be filled with a lot more hatred than it had been lately, but he found that Snape was returning to his old self the longer time went on. “Um, sir, do you have the p--”

“I currently do not have time for your nonsense, Potter. We will, however, resume lessons tonight. Seven o’clock sharp, Potter. Do not be late,” Snape said, sneering at him before continuing to walk downstairs. Harry glared after him, but figured it wasn’t worth it to chase him down to get the password. He would just have to hunt down another teacher later on, he thought, shaking his head and turning to walk back upstairs and back towards Gryffindor Tower. He had mixed feelings over seeing Snape and the idea of having lessons continue tonight with Snape, and Harry was doing his damned best to focus on all of his negative feelings about the situation. Disliking the man and reminding himself of why was a lot easier than anything else.

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Author's Note: To misswarchan, I ended up finding my old ff.net account and posted the first chapter on there. I might be a bit slower with posting there, but if you're still interested I'm under the same penname there as I am here.
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Lost and Damned