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Controlled Emotions	By : LeviosaHex Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male > Harry/Snape Views: 23984 -:- Recommendations : 2 -:- Currently Reading : 5
Disclaimer: Disclaimer: I did not create the Harry Potter stories or universe and I do not make any money from this

Chapter List
- 3
- 4
- 5
Chapter 4 - Shame

Day 3 Continued

1040hrs -Boy's Bathroom-Dungeons

Harry ran to the nearest bathroom with his stomach heaving. Leaning over a stone sink, he turned on the icy cold water, splashed his flushed face, and sobbed in hitched gasps. He had yet again fled from Snape, this time in shame.

Harry had always felt ashamed of who he was. He was responsible for the death of his parents, for the death of Cedric and Sirius, for the death of an untold number of people. People were still dying and would continue to die if he didn't fulfil the prophecy and kill Voldemort. None of these deaths would have happened if it hadn't been for him. Voldemort had been smart choosing him over Neville; he must have known he was the weaker, more incompetent wizard.

The shame of being different shouldn't bother him by now he thought. If being the so called Chosen One wasn't enough, he now knew he preferred men; he was abnormal in yet another way.

He had practically thrown himself at Snape the night before, he had brought himself off in the man's office, without any thought of being caught, then turned up, looking as if he had indeed been in a brothel in said teacher's class without a thought of how it might appear to his friends or his year mates. And if that hadn't been bad enough, he had proceeded to throw himself at him again, and practically begged him to touch him, to make him come.

Harry punched his reflection, shattering the mirror in front of him. He couldn't bear to look at his pathetic, tear streaked face. The Dursleys' and Snape were right, he was nothing special; he was irresponsible, reckless and weak, incapable of rational thought. He was a total fuck up - a freak.

1245hrs - Great Hall.

"Where the hell have you been Harry? Are you intentionally trying to anger Professor Snape, he will be furious that you didn't turn up to his defence class? I mean really, you can be so..."

"Stupid... I know Hermione. You don't have to remind me!" Harry snapped at his friend.

Hermione sighed "No Harry, you are not stupid, you can just be... a little impulsive at times, you don't think through your actions before..."

"Yeah... jumping in headfirst...I'm a reckless mindless fool. I hear you." Harry was ripping pieces of chicken from the bone as he spoke, throwing them on his plate, although he really didn't want to eat right now.

Hermione slumped back in her seat and said nothing more. The silence between them growing, becoming uncomfortable.

"I'm really not that hungry," Harry grouched after a few minutes of trying to choke down some food. He rose from the bench, not daring to look at his friend; he didn't want to see the concern in her eyes, the worry that represented the distress he caused everyone around him.

"I'm sorry Harry, but I don't think you are stupid or reckless. Please sit back down and try to eat something. You haven't eaten much, if anything at all, the last day or two. I am worried about you because I care, all right? Please don't go off like this."

Harry sat back down defeated and pushed his plate aside so he could rest his head on folded arms against the table.

"No Hermione you are right. I am a complete idiot. A stupid impulsive freak," he mumbled into the table.

"Harry, what has happened?" Hermione's hand rested on top of his head.

"Don't 'mione, I don't want to talk about it, you wouldn't understand anyway, it's just these blasted lessons with... that bloody git."

"Harry!" Hermione removed her hand. The way she said his name this time had a warning edge to it. He looked up to see his friend glancing at something behind him. Just before he could sit up straighter and look round, the low, quiet tones of Snape's sneering voice reached him.

"I am sure your friend would understand Mr Potter. However, it may be...prudent, if certain details of our lessons are kept quiet...for the moment at least," Snape smirked and glanced quickly at Hermione.

"However, that is not the reason I wish to speak with you. Your failure to turn up in my defence class, as you are aware, carries an automatic detention. Since I cancelled your original detention for tonight, to allow for... certain matters to clarify themselves, you will serve this new detention tonight. Indeed, it is most opportune, since it appears I may have spilt something on my desk, something rather sticky. You will attend at the usual time of 7pm and commence cleaning immediately. I may not be available to supervise but expect the job to be completed thoroughly." Snape raised his eyebrows, his eyes glittering with amusement before stalking off.

Harry thought the heat rising from his gut would burn his insides. His eyes watered at the intensity of the embarrassment and shame he felt.

He let out a whimpering groan and placed his head back on his arms, hoping the ground would swallow him up.

What the hell had processed him to wank off in Snape's bloody office, he thought miserably. To do so had been crazy, but forgetting to clean up afterwards had been imbecilic. He was an idiot, in fact, idiot did not quite describe the level his stupidity and impulsiveness had sunk to.

Snape was laughing at him, as much as Snape could laugh, he had even reminded him earlier that they were having lessons; lessons in controlling emotions. That was what this was all about; Snape was just taking each emotion Harry spouted forth and questioned it, trying to make him understand it. It was his doing that they had turned sexual, they were his fucked up emotions after all. Snape didn't want him like that. He had always made it clear how ugly and dim-witted he found him.

Why in Merlin's name had he felt comforted and at peace in the man's arms? Why did his touch feel so right, so normal? He had felt relief when Snape had held him, touched him, made him come in his hand. It had momentarily eased a deep anxiety within him, an anxiety that went beyond the irrational fear he had felt toward the man. I had touched a bigger hidden anxiety, one that said he wasn't normal, had never been normal and turned it into an excited yearning to feel accepted.

He had never been overly attracted to girls he now acknowledged, in fact, he had vague memories of liking a boy he had been at muggle school with years ago. He had tried to like girls; he had found Cho attractive hadn't he? He loved her black hair and dark eyes he remembered with a small smile, as images of her fleeted through his mind. The smile was replaced with a scowl however, as the images quickly morphed into something else, someone else, with equally dark hair and eyes.

Shaking his head, Harry opened his eyes to clear the images, and became aware that Hermione was talking to him. He didn't have a clue how long she had been speaking or what she was saying.

"...Harry, are you even listening?" Hermione said in an exasperated tone.

"Eh? Oh emm, sorry... no, I was thinking how fucked up my life is. What were you saying?" Harry tried to sound normal, failing miserably, as a deep depression stole over him mingling with his shame and guilt.

"Honestly Harry! You need to get a grip of yourself and stop making things worse between you and Professor Snape. He is just acting on Professor Dumbledore's orders you know!" Hermione huffed haughtily.

Harry let out a choked laugh at the irony of his friend's words, and shook his head. If only Dumbledore knew, he would be expelled for his sick inappropriate behaviour.

"Harry I think you and I need to talk. Tonight, after your detention, come straight back to the common room and we will have a chat. Let me try to help you. I have been reading up on Occlumency, maybe we could practise together?"

"Oh, emm...I don't think that's a good idea 'mione. Anyway, we would have to be able to cast a Legilimens to practise properly."

Harry hoped his friend hadn't managed to teach herself this skill; he certainly didn't want her to rummage about in his most recent shameful memories, ever.

"Well yes, we would, but maybe we should try. It would be a good skill to learn," Hermione said hopefully, an excited gleam in her eyes at the thought of learning something new.

"I will be too tired by the time I get back, maybe another night all right?" Harry said trying not to sound horrified at the thought.

"Ok we won't practise tonight, but I still want to talk to you," Hermione said obviously disappointed in not being given permission to cast Legilimens on her friend.

Harry nodded his agreement, although he hoped he would find an excuse between now and then to not meet with her. She wouldn't understand and would tell Ron. The thought of his friends knowing just how different and screwed up he really was made him shudder.

1900hrs – Snape's Office.

The rest of the day had gone all right Harry supposed. The History of Magic class really was the most boring class ever. It had, unfortunately, allowed him too much time to think, and grow more ashamed of his now obvious sexual preferences. He just wanted to feel normal, and knowing he wasn't in this fundamental area of life depressed him more than any of the other stuff that made him unusual. This was at the core of his being, and not something that had been forced upon him, or expected of him. He couldn't blame anyone for this, only his own sick mind he had realised as the boring voice of the history Professor had droned on.

Charms, had been no better. Flitwick had them practicing the Muffliato charm and when Harry had cast it, the class had been surrounded with a low, menacing sounding growl. Flitwick had found it amusing, since according to the Professor the noise was more appropriate than the gentle buzzing the charm was meant to emit, as it had been Snape that had apparently invented the blasted thing. Harry didn't find it in the least bit funny. In fact, it made him even more ashamed of himself; he was becoming obsessed with Snape he thought. Even a simple charm showed how much the man was on his mind.

It was in this frame of mind Harry approached the Professor's office, and he prayed to Merlin that Snape hadn't been lying when he had said he would be busy tonight. But when he knocked on the door of Snape's office, he experienced a small pang of disappointment, even as a sigh of relief escaped him when the knock went unanswered. When he pushed the door open the room beyond was revealed to be empty, and Harry slowly made his way over to the large wooden desk. Memories of what he had done the night before came flooding back, and a wave of embarrassment washed over him again. The shame and embarrassment did not stop feelings of arousal and excitement coursing through him however, as thoughts of Snape touching him and pressing his hard body pressed against him came to the forefront of his mind. The room smelt of Snape Harry realised as he breathed in deeply, it was intoxicating to him now and made his cock twitch and harden more.

Trying to calm down, he looked around the room for any sign of cleaning supplies; he was normally not allowed to use magic to clean in his previous detentions with Snape, so presumed there would have been some cleaning materials left out for him. When his gaze returned to the desk, he noticed a single piece of parchment sitting neatly in the centre of the old wooden desktop. Wondering if Snape had left him written instructions, he picked it up and unrolled it carefully. However, the parchment was revealed to be blank. Just as he was about to replace it on the desk however, a familiar flowing script slowly began to appear as if being written by an invisible hand.

Mr Potter

You are no longer required to clean my desk. I found it necessary to do so myself prior to using it.

I have no wish to spend yet another evening in my office, supervising this unnecessary detention; therefore, you will join me in the adjacent room. The door is unlocked.

S.S

"Oh shit," Harry muttered as he read the note again. Shame engulfed him as images of Snape cleaning up his mess flashed through his mind. The emotion was not alone though, it conflicted with a desire to see the man and an excitement in the prospect of doing so. His vision blurred and his head spun. He had to control these errant emotions; this was what Snape was trying to teach him after all, it had nothing to do with wanting anything else from him. He had made a fool of himself so far, had shown just how weak he was, so weak that he hadn't managed to work out who he was, what it was he desired on his own.

Taking deep breaths; Harry tried to focus his mind and think of Snape as the Greasy Git, the man who angered and frightened him, but he just couldn't. Oh the sensations of anger and fear were there, but he couldn't recognise them as such, he now only felt a burning desire to be held by the man, to feel at peace again and a bubbling excitement at being invited into the man's private domain.

The desire and excitement were clouded by a deep shame of actually wanting this from a man, from any man. He hadn't yet dared consider who it was he currently seemed to desire; that was too much for his mind to process yet, too disturbing. He had to hide these emotions, he decided, had to try to find something to say that would sound assertive and mature. He would apologise for his behaviour and hope Snape didn't want him to close his eyes tonight, he didn't think he could deal with that again. Not yet, not until he could work out a how to stop the shameful way his body craved the man's touch.

Taking a last deep breath, he knocked on the door leading to Snape's private rooms and braced himself against showing any signs of arousal or excitement, tried to hide his shameful urges.

1910hrs –Snape's Private Quarters.

"Come in, Potter," Snape's relaxed slow voice instructed through the wood. Harry shivered at the sound of the deep, resonate tone. Closing his eyes he took yet another deep breath, as if trying to draw control and resolve from the air.

Opening the door slowly, he glanced around the sweeping foyer that greeted him, and gasped. It was decorated in bright silvers, dark emerald greens and whites. The floor and walls were glittering marble that reflected all these colours from the light that was being emitted from a bright orb dancing overhead. In the centre of the foyer, there was a large glass Terrarium. As Harry approached it, he saw it held an impressively large, beautiful green and black snake. The snake glanced up at him hissed and lazily.

"Welcome. My Massssster awaitssss you, my little Ssssslytherin." Harry gasped. The snake obviously wasn't used to welcoming Gryffindor students into his Master's rooms.

"Thank you for your welcome," Harry hissed back in parseltongue "but I am not a Ssssslytherin. I am a Gryffindor." Harry nodded and lowered his eyes in respect to the old snake.

"Ah you are the sssspeaker my masssster talkssss of sssso frequently." The snake uncoiled from his perch and slithered toward the front of his enclosure "I thinkssss you are missstaken however, you are mosssst certainly a Ssssslytherin." The snake seemed to fix his gaze on Harry's eyes as he spoke. Before Harry could reply however, the voice of the snake's Master broke his thoughts.

"Are you going to stand speaking with my familiar all night, or are you going to remember your manners and speak to the human who lives here?"

"My Massssster isssss rather agitated thisssss evening. Good Luck my Ssssslytherin friend, pleassssse come and ssssspeak with me again sssssoon, it nicsssse to finally have a sssspeaker amongssssst us again."

Harry nodded again at the snake and turned toward the direction from which Snape's voice had come, and slowly walked towards it. There appeared to be no door in the large marble archway that delineated the entrance foyer from what appeared to be a sitting room. Harry could see an orange glow coming from the far wall, and presumed the light was emanating from a fire, but his view was blocked by the back of a large, emerald green, leather sofa. This room was much darker overall than the brilliance of the entrance, but it conveyed a warmth and comfort with its deep colours of black and green. Three of the room's walls, which were still white marble, were lined with books from floor to ceiling making the room less bright, and there were thick, dark rugs on the marble floor.

Harry cautiously walked round to the side of the sofa.

Sitting at the far end, was a tired looking Professor Snape. In his lap, there was a large open tome, but his eyes were closed, his head rested against the soft green leather, and his legs were stretched out in front of him. Snape had his hair tied back, away from his face. He wore a casual white shirt, which was open at the neck, black trousers, and no shoes. Harry gasped at the sight of the usually tense rigid Professor, who, to Harry, looked stunning like this.

"Please sit Potter; I rather dislike being gawked at." There was no hint of malice in the man's voice, just a tired weariness. The flush in Harry's face deepened. He wasn't sure if it was from arousal, shame, or a creeping sensation in his gut he couldn't quite place.

"Oh right...errr I am sorry Sir... mmm," Harry floundered and shuffled his feet, not wanting to sit beside the man but not wanting to appear completely socially inept either. He wanted to show he could be composed and mature but knew he wasn't doing a very good job at it so far. Casting his eyes around the room, he could see no other chairs, just the sofa on which the Professor sat.

"I won't bite Mr Potter." Snape opened his eyes and turned to look at Harry, raising an eyebrow when Harry flushed more, a hint of amusement clear in the black glittering orbs as he added "If that is not what you want that is."

"No... God no...mmm, I... I am mmm sorry about...ahh...you know... I..." Snape's amused glint turned in to a smirk, and he snorted at Harry's attempts to apologise.

"Really Mr Potter, sit down and try to at least breathe. I could do without you passing out on me again."

Harry's embarrassment and shame, washed over him afresh in a strong pulsing wave, making his stomach drop, and he thought he might vomit from the sensation. It did, however, effectively extinguish his excitement and arousal much to Harry's relief.

Sitting down tensely on the edge of the sofa beside the still relaxed figure of his Professor, Harry put his head in his hands, and tried to regain his composure. Snape obviously found his inadequate bumbling attempts at an apology laughable, and he supposed he had sounded like an inarticulate fool. Taking another steadying breath, he tried again.

"Professor Snape, I was trying to apologise for my reckless, impulsive behaviour over the last couple of days. I am sorry for what I did in your office, I am sorry I threw myself at you inappropriately. I know you were only reacting to my emotions as they arose, trying to get me to see how poorly I control or indeed understand myself."

Harry heard the man beside him shift in his seat and after a moment's silence Snape spoke in a quiet tone that held no derision or humour.

"Why do you feel the need to apologise?"

Harry looked up briefly at the question, stifling a groan at seeing a gentle, almost caring look, in the deep black eyes. The look shot through his senses; the desire to be held and understood returned.

"Because I am ashamed of myself," He managed to grind out as he hung his head again.

"Ashamed? Why would you feel shame?"

"Oh, you want analyse what I feel, tonight?"

"Yes, I suppose I do, although that is not what I had planned for this evening, I had thought I might have been able to help clear up some of your confusion. However, since you seem to have moved on, ever so slightly, maybe we should explore the reason for your current state of mind."

"Oh right, well I would rather not, if that is all right with you. I haven't had much time to think about what I feel yet."

"No, I think it imperative we look at why you feel shame Mr Potter. Shame is a toxic emotion. It undermines who you are, and does not allow you to move forward in life. It stops you achieving your desires by blocking self-acceptance, and is not far removed from confusion or lack of understanding of one's desires. It can become so entrenched in a person's view of self that it overrules every other emotion. In short, it can rule your life." Snape had become distant as he spoke, his voice trailing off as though he was speaking to himself by the time he finished.

"Right, yeah ok, that makes sense, but if I can only feel shame, then surely that's better than all the other stuff that went on in my head up until now. Will it not help me control my emotions and focus on shielding my mind? That's what this is all about anyway. I mean I am so ashamed of myself right now that I do not want anyone to see what's going on in my head. It might make it easier to throw anyone out."

"You are partly correct. Shame can aid someone in blocking their inner feelings and memories, quite effectively in some cases. However, in your situation, this will not do. To effectively shield your mind, you must understand and accept your emotions. Otherwise you may end up withdrawing from those who seek to help you, and impede the successful completion of your goals in life or finding happiness. Shame is such that it eats away at you, leaving nothing of your true self. I do not advocate suppression or withdrawal from any emotion, since there is always a high risk of the truth breaking through when you least expect or need it. I encourage you, therefore, to move past this shame and begin to form a deeper understanding of what drives and motivates you."

"Well I don't think I will ever get past being ashamed of what I am, of what I have done."

"I return to my original question then, why do you feel so ashamed?"

"Why do you think? I mean you are right, you have always been right. I am a complete idiot, a bumbling fool who didn't even realise I...well you know..."

"Prefer men?"

"Yeah."

"Is that the only reason you feel ashamed?"

"No. I am ashamed of throwing myself at you and turning up looking like I did in class this morning. I am ashamed of what I did in your office, and that I have spent the last couple of days worrying about whether I prefer men or women when people are dying trying to protect me. I am ashamed that I am not the great wizard everyone thinks I am; that I lived and my mother died; that I didn't listen to you two years ago and learn to shield my mind. If I had, Sirius wouldn't have died..."

Harry fell silent, aware he had been ranting, and could feel tears sting at the back of his eyes. He hid his face in his hands again, and willed the tears not to come. He refused to cry.

After a few moments Snape let out a sudden gasp of air, as if someone had knocked it out of him.

Harry held his own breath waiting for some derisory comment about his weaknesses or scathing remarks that would confirm his worthlessness. Silence stretched on for what felt like forever. Snape suddenly stood and strode across the room. Harry sat up a little straighter, and opened his eyes a little to see Snape standing at a window that was charmed to show a view of the lake.

"That is quite some list Potter. How long have you been feeling like this?" Snape asked quietly.

"Errr well I have always been ashamed of who I am. I'm a freak in the muggle world and the resident celebrity who knows nothing here at Hogwarts. I have always been different, never been accepted for just being me."

Snape flinched slightly at Harry's reference to words that he had uttered years ago.

"You are not weak, in fact, you are far from it. The power your magical core emits is actually stronger than you yet realise, I should not have made an example of you when you first came here," Snape spoke in low tones as though speaking to himself.

"Oh," was all Harry could say, he didn't know if the Professor's words made him feel more ashamed or encouraged. If he wasn't weak, then why hadn't he managed to fulfil the prophecy yet? Why had he failed to stop Voldemort returning, and why could he not grasp the basics of Occlumency?

"You are not to blame for your parent's death or indeed for Mr Diggory's or Black's demise. I ..." Snape broke off suddenly and paused, turning to focus on Harry as he spoke slowly "...the blame for these deaths does not fall at your feet."

"I know that, I suppose. People have told me as much, many times, but it doesn't really help how I feel about it all. I...suppose... I... generally don't think about it all that much now really...it's just with ...well...you know... realising that I am... different in another way...it has brought a lot of stuff back."

Snape sat down beside him.

"You are different Mr Potter, of that there is no doubt, but only in that you have had fame and celebrity thrust on you from an early age. Which is something you had no control. You have been heralded as the saviour of the Wizarding world by people who do not have the faintest idea why you survived that night. As for your more...personal preferences...they are not different or abnormal. You only think of them as such because of the restrictive, narrow-minded, muggle upbringing you clearly have had to endure. If I were to tell you that there are a number of Witches and Wizards, currently at Hogwarts, who also prefer the same sex, from both the student and staff body, would that make you feel any better?"

"Oh emmm yeah...well...actually no, not really, I mean... well I'm 17, I am technically an adult and have only just realised there is something wrong with me, that I am more attracted to Wizards... I mean Merlin, I really am pretty thick not to know that about myself."

"Stop that nonsense Potter; have you not heard a word I have said tonight or this morning. Your sexuality is something that is fluid. It changes with time and situation and it certainly does not mean there is something wrong with you! You no doubt have pushed thoughts of forming a relationship with anyone away because of the danger inherent in being who you are. It is perfectly normal to resist even friendship when there is so much at risk."

"Oh so this is just a phase? I might not be gay?"

Snape growled in exasperation "No I think you are...gay... as you name it, a muggle word I personally have no time for, I do not think that will change, you have only come to realise it because you haven't allowed yourself to consider a close relationship with anyone. The situation has never been right. Your sexuality is fluid in that, once you become more accepting of who you are, your needs from a sexual partner will change over time, but not generally the gender you are most attracted to, although you may indeed enjoy both."

Harry hung his head, not sure he grasped what Snape was telling him, but it was clear enough that he was right, that he was gay; he had pushed thoughts of close relationships aside in fear of getting someone hurt or even killed.

"Oh right ok. Well I'm sorry I threw myself at you and made you touch me. I...god...I don't know what I was thinking."

"You merely reacted to my suggestion that the sensations you associate with anger and fear, could, in fact, be interpreted differently. You must get over this sense of guilt for your actions, as well as your shame. You must learn to accept who you are, Harry."

Snape moved closer to Harry, gently reached out one hand, and cradled his chin, lifted up his face to look at him.

"Look at me Harry. Can you honestly tell me, you did not enjoy my touch, that it didn't feel right?"

"Uh...yeah you know I enjoyed it, but god... that is just so messed up!" Even if Harry could learn to accept he preferred Wizards, he knew that being attracted to Snape was just wrong on so many levels he couldn't even think about it.

Snape captured Harry's face in both hands, and ran a thumb gently over his lips before leaning in closer.

"You enjoyed it, but felt it was wrong? Does this feel wrong?" Snape closed the distance and pressed his lips against Harry's.

Harry was shocked by how right it felt, even though at the back of his mind there was a niggling feeling it was all very wrong. Not so much that he was a man any longer, but that this was Snape his most hated Professor. Regardless of this fact, however, he felt his desire for the man flood through him from his lips straight to his groin, exciting him. Shame, guilt and whatever else he was feeling was pushed aside at that moment as he responded, leaning gently into the kiss, parting his lips slightly in invitation. Snape had initiated the first touch this time, and he didn't want to push for more. He needed to know that this was not only his desire but Snape's as well. He needed to control his impulses. He had to control his emotions.

Control his emotions he thought. Shit this is what this is all about. Harry pulled back from the kiss and stood abruptly. The realisation that Snape was only doing this as part of his lessons, that he was only trying to teach him control, hit home.

"I better go...ermmm my friends will wonder where I have got to," Harry managed to stutter out through his ragged breathing and turned to leave.

"Harry, I..."

"You don't need to say anything Sir. I am gay. I like wizards. I accept it all right. You were only trying to teach me to understand and control my emotions, make me less impulsive. I get it. You don't need to touch me again to make me understand."

"Harry. Please listen. Yes, this was about understanding and controlling your emotions, but..."

"Stop Professor. Please just let me go. I need time to deal with everything that has happened, and I can only do that by myself. Please," Harry pleaded.

Snape sighed, "I will see you tomorrow then."

Harry nodded, leaving Snape staring at his retreating back, and he fled once more.

A/N Sorry it has taken me longer to update this than I originally thought it would. Have found this chapter a bit of a challenge and would still be floundering if I hadn't been set a challenge to get it finished today by ieatmyfeelings! Thanks for the kick up the ass x

I hope it has turned out alright. Shame is a very difficult emotion to understand, it is something that is so personal and deep that it requires many sources of support to overcome. I found it difficult to try and move this story along, while trying to express what shame can do to someone and still make this a fun story! It hasn't turned out quite the way I had hoped actually but here you have it. I may revisit this chapter at a later date if you think it isn't very clear what I am trying to say... Please let me know!
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Controlled Emotions