You Will Not Kiss Me | By : Prosperosdaughter Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male > Snape/Remus Views: 22836 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 2 |
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Chapter 4: Recollections of wounds
Snape was woken suddenly by the violent hangover headache that assaulted him at 5 in the morning. Groaning, he untangled his legs from Lupin's and dragged himself to sit on the edge of the bed. He Summoned a hangover Potion and held his head in his heads until it started to take effect. They'd polished off the bottle of Firewhiskey between them last night and had had sex twice more before becoming incapable through drink.
He looked back at Lupin, still fast asleep and breathing deeply. It was the full moon tomorrow. Snape had already worked out that their desires increased with the waxing of the moon. Certainly, last night Lupin had seemed insatiable and Snape had responded to Lupin's increasing demands on his body and enjoyed it although he now ached quite profoundly. Snape wondered what would happen today and tomorrow with a thrill of anticipation. He left the hangover Potion next to Lupin for when he woke up and went to shower.
It was another three hours before Lupin awoke and Snape heard him groaning and stumbling to the bathroom. This time, Snape called for breakfast to be set for them. He was sitting at the table, dressed but not robed, and reading The Daily Prophet when Lupin found his way to the table, looking bleary, but clean. "Did you not take the Potion I left for you?" Snape drawled. Lupin looked blank and Snape Summoned the Potion from the bedside with a snort, and placed it before Lupin.
"I didn't see it," Lupin said sheepishly. "It's okay with Wolfsbane?" he asked before drinking.
Snape hiked an eyebrow. "Well I wouldn't give it you if it were not," he snarled.
"Of course, Severus," Lupin said meekly and drank it down and shut his eyes. There was no need to be that short with Lupin, Snape thought, and it was sensible to question ask, but he was feeling brimful of his old confidence this morning and enjoying the feeling. They ate breakfast in comfortable silence, each reading a section of the newspaper. Once done, Lupin cleared the table and collected all the papers from the nearby desk and spread them out before them.
Snape worked through the enchantment in Ancient Greek, breaking it down into its component parts and then passing it to Lupin for his consideration. Lupin had done the same for the ritual, having always excelled at Arithmancy as well as Charms, and passed his workings to Snape. They worked together to produce improvements on each other's work.
Snape had copied out again that part of the enchantment that seemed to relate to the werewolf's transformation, the loosening of the pain bonds and the control of the blood lust that the book had referred to. He was intrigued by this as he had never heard that such a thing was possible by enchantment. He wanted to research whether it was possible to sever these elements from the Thrall enchantment. If there were a way of controlling the blood lust especially, this would be a remarkable leap forward for werewolves. He scribbled furiously as points and questions occurred to him as he worked through that part of the enchantment. They worked this way until early afternoon then Snape noticed that Lupin was looking at him, chuckling softly.
Snape's hands dropped into his lap and he looked affronted. "And what, may I ask, is the cause of your amusement? As you put is so succinctly yesterday, care to share?" Snape asked wryly.
Lupin smiled his delicious smile that made Snape's stomach knot with warmth. "You have always been so intense about anything that interests you or challenges you. Your concentration was so intense just now, I could picture you at school, as clear as day. So earnest." Lupin, smiling still, reached out, tucked Snape's hair behind his ear and stroked his exposed chin gently then returned to his own notes. The gesture shocked Snape. It was so gentle and unexpected. He swallowed audibly.
"Does affection really bother you so much, Severus?" Lupin asked, leaning back in his chair to regard Snape seriously.
"I told you before: it's not what I'm used to." This was the conversation he had not wanted to have. It was also one that he suspected had some impact on the Thrall and why it was working contrary to its type. He believed that Lupin probably suspected the nature of what he had to say from small things Snape had already told him. He suspected that was why Lupin had been so gentle with him in the first coupling last night. He cleared his throat and looked at Lupin squarely and openly.
"Only one living person knows what I am about to tell you. I do not want to tell you but I think what it is important to what we are trying to discover. But you will tell no-one. No-one, do you understand me?" Snape's tone was menacing, his expression was hard and his eyes bored into Lupin's.
"No-one," Lupin repeated quietly.
"No easy way to start," Snape murmured and sat for a while, steeling himself. "My parents were not affectionate people, not to me, not to each other. My father was a Muggle. Whether he originally accepted my mother's magic, I don't know, but all I ever knew was his hatred of magic. I think he thought he could beat it out of me and my mother. He never needed much excuse but he was especially violent when he drank. And that was frequently."
Just speaking of these things made Snape feel hollow. He hated to remember those times. He stopped again to collect his thoughts from the awakened swirling memories of drunken violence and screaming shouting parents and his own vision blurred with blood. He closed his eyes and breathed deeply. "My mother healed my broken bones and bruises, as well as her own, but she was beyond pity for me, although she did enough to keep me well. I learnt not to cry when I was quite young, because it made my father more angry if I cried." So many broken bones, bruises and cuts, Snape remembered. There was a long silence.
"How many times was it bad enough to break your bones, Severus?" Lupin asked quietly.
Snape wasn't sure it was pertinent and was about to say so, but since he knew Lupin's bones always broke and reset themselves or were reset by others and that Lupin's muscles, sinews and tendons tore and repaired themselves every lunar cycle, he quelled his planned curt response because he was talking to a man intimately acquainted with unremitting pain. Instead, he answered truthfully.
"It was usual. I don't remember a time before. It would happen most weekends, once he received his pay packet. He had no restraint. I recall broken ribs on many occasions – he liked to kick me when I was down. I had a broken jaw twice, he fractured my cheekbones fairly regularly too, my nose was broken too many times to count, he would break my arms or dislocate my wrists quite regularly." Snape's voice was quite flat as he recited the litany of damage. Lupin had Summoned a glass of water for him, which Snape drank gratefully.
"You have no idea how I desperate I was to get away to Hogwarts; away from the beatings and my screaming parents where I'd be free to practise my magic. Magic was all I had." He heard a small gasp from Lupin and looked at him wearily.
"All that happened to you before you were 11?" Lupin asked. Snape nodded.
"Most of it. I stayed at school during every holiday except summer. During the summer, I would stay out of the house, out of his way, until he went to bed. I knew he would hurt me even more as I was now studying what he hated so passionately. He caught me occasionally, but it became rare. I could run fast if I had to." Snape smiled ruefully.
"I had no idea that there would be bastards of the same order here once I got here." He shot a malevolent look at Lupin, whose face had drained. He clearly had understood what Snape said last night about finding no respite. He didn't respond and Snape was glad because nothing Lupin could say could make up for his friends' relentless bullying.
Snape drank some more and closed his eyes for a while. "Your friends and you were not the worst of it although it compounded my misery. In my House, there were a select few young men who by virtue of their bloodline believed they had certain entitlements from the younger members of the House." He heard Lupin curse under his breath. "There was a certain amount of random violence to show those of us who were not of the best pureblood families our place in the House, to encourage us to fit in with their ideals. As we got older, services of a sexual nature were expected of us – oral sex mainly, but later, sexual intercourse. We could acquiesce or be forced; the result would be the same."
He heard "Severus, no." whispered now. He turned to Lupin. "What did you expect me to do? This was the House I was Sorted into. I might be sent home if I complained. And complain to whom? Slughorn? He would do nothing, especially against people of influence. Of course, I gave in. I hated it but I did everything I was told because I didn't want to be hurt badly. If I was compliant, I wouldn't be hurt too much. We would still be hurt, but it became a question of degree. But I had my magic, and I was determined to become a powerful wizard. Yes, I was consumed by the Dark Arts because it was the only way I could make myself powerful enough to defeat those who tormented me.
"By the time I was sixteen, I could defend myself from anyone in my own House and most of those who had abused me had left. But after all those years, I didn't just want to free myself of them; I wanted to annihilate them or torture them as they had me. I suppose it's no surprise that the Dark Lord found me so willing a servant. I believed he could free me from my miserable existence." Unconsciously rubbing his left forearm, Snape continued, "I enslaved myself to him – as evil and sadistic as any man who has ever lived. What kind of deal with the Devil did I think I had made?" Snape shook his head sadly and drank more water.
"If you need to ask me questions, do so quickly because I really do not want to discuss this."
Lupin looked stricken. When he did speak, his voice was small and dry. "I had no idea that went on in Slytherin."
"I can assure you it does not happen in my House now," Snape's jaw jutted firmly.
"I'm sure. Then that's a true mark of your decency Severus that you've not perpetuated that cruelty," Lupin said.
"You'd be surprised how often I've been told by parents that we had to live with it, why shouldn't this generation." Snape shook his head again. "So many Dark curses I could use..." he muttered.
"If I may, Severus, I have another question." Snape nodded. "Once you joined the Death Eaters, weren't some of those men from school there also? Did they expect to carry on that way?"
"You're perceptive, Lupin, I'll give you that." If Lupin minded the use of his surname, Snape did not notice. He was in a very dark place of remembrance now. "On the whole, once I'd received the Dark Mark, other wizards feared that and left me alone. There were those, the Lestranges, Malfoy, who expected their ... er ... privileges, if you will, to continue. They considered it their right as purebloods, no matter that I had taken the Dark Mark." Snape's voice was bitter and hard. "I may only have been 17, but I had changed since they had left school. I was not prepared to be their whipping boy any longer. No matter what their blood status or their standing in the Dark Lord's inner circle, I could and did defend myself, using the Darkest of curses so they would learn not to meddle with me. I also set about making myself indispensible to the Dark Lord. A wizard of my creative talent had much to offer him." Snape now sounded dispassionate, almost resigned.
"Did Voldemort ever ..."
"No," Snape cut in. "The Dark Lord enjoyed violence, yes, but not sexual violence, at least not by the time I took the Mark or that I knew of. It pleased him, satisfied him even, to torture others, including his own servants, mentally and physically. He had many methods and means at his disposal. Let us say, he was very accomplished."
"He tortured you?"
"Often. All of us."
Snape dragged his hands through his hair and then rubbed his face and the back of his neck. He was very weary. "To set it all out so baldly this way: I wonder if I ever stood a chance," his said, barely audibly, and hung his head and closed his eyes for a while.
"When I realised the terrible mistake I'd made with my life, I begged Dumbledore to help me and began to spy for him as a double agent. He brought me back to Hogwarts as the Potions Master. It was my home again, but I'd hoped this time, I would be safe," his voice broke slightly and he closed his eyes again, hoping there would be no more questions.
He felt two strong hands rest on his shoulders and then start to gently massage them, fingers working methodically through his shirt at the many knots in them. His first inclination was to shrug them away, but he accepted the gesture. At least Lupin wasn't sympathising with him. At least, he couldn't see the pity that would undoubtedly be in Lupin's eyes. He leaned forward so that his forehead rested on his arms that he crossed on the table before him. He let Lupin work more insistently on the tension in his neck, shoulder and back muscles. It was a very useful way to comfort him, Snape admitted to himself. Yes, Lupin was a very perceptive man.
After some time, Lupin lifted Snape's head and then rubbed his thumbs under Snape's eyes to wipe away two stray tears of ancient shame that had escaped as Snape had allowed Lupin to massage his back. He looked at Lupin. He did not see pity, as he feared, but sorrow and concern. He also noticed again that Lupin was looking unwell. He slowly drew himself up in his chair, and Lupin sat once more in his own, drawing it forward so he could hold both of Snape's hands loosely in his own.
"You look ill, Remus," Snape croaked and helped himself to more water.
"It is the full moon tomorrow, Severus. I feel the pull of the moon on my body, the first aches preceding the transformation."
"Tell me about them," Snape asked, matter of factly, not caring if this might be considered callous. It would take his mind off his own sorrow.
"I usually start to feel the moon's draw in the two days before full moonrise. It starts with dull aches in most of my bones, my tendons and muscles which become sharper through that time. A mild headache will start at the same time, which becomes quite debilitating by the day of the full moon. I lose my appetite by then as well. If I eat on the day, I am usually quite sick. My temper becomes short, I suppose unsurprisingly. It is nothing in the scheme of things; it is manageable," Lupin said, briskly in response.
"Nothing ... manageable..." Snape muttered, turning the words over in his mind as well as his mouth.
"In comparison ... yes," Lupin murmured, leaving the rest of the sentence unsaid.
In comparison with every bone in your body breaking and re-setting, every sinew, muscle, and tendon re-shaping to re-form your whole body shape and then reversing the process all within a night, Snape thought as he looked at Lupin appraisingly. I never appreciated this. I knew it, but did not appreciate it. Snape knew he was only appreciating it now because he had drawn all his old pain to the surface. It needed to be re-hidden. He couldn't afford to empathise with others like this. He felt too vulnerable.
"We've missed lunch. If you're unable to eat tomorrow, Remus, you should go for dinner this evening or you won't be strong enough for your transformation. Your Potion is due shortly," Snape rose from his chair and started to busy himself collecting up their papers and then collected the Wolfsbane, which Lupin drank down.
"Will you not come to dinner too? Albus will be expecting you," Lupin asked.
"I have no appetite. If I don't eat, he will bedevil me with kind solicitations." Snape drew a hand over his brow. "I need some rest now. Will you come to see me after dinner?"
"I will," Lupin nodded, squeezed one of Snape's hands gently and left his quarters.
Once Lupin had left, Snape undressed and crawled into his bed and tried to sleep. He was drained, but no rest would come. All his memories came to him unbidden: painful, shameful and frightening. After what seemed an age, he finally managed to control himself and painstakingly made himself confront each memory so he could compartmentalise it and place it within the matrix he'd created behind his Occlumency barriers. It would take him time over the next couple of days, he knew, but he would manage it, as he had done before. He could not wear his heart on his sleeve, as Lupin did.
After a couple of hours, the whirlwind of his mind had calmed somewhat. The process was not yet complete but he managed to drift off to sleep.
He slowly came awake, aware that he was not alone in his room. Under any other circumstances, he would have had his wand at the ready, but his body told him before his mind had to that the presence was Lupin.
Lupin was sitting on the bed watching him. He still looked unwell, but had changed and smelled of soap. Snape also thought he could smell food. When he looked around, he saw a plate of sandwiches and a small pitcher of juice on the small bedside table. Lupin's robe hung from bedside chair and he was in only his shirt and trousers.
"No man can live by breakfast alone, Severus," Lupin smiled. "Please eat something."
Snape nodded and accepted a glass of juice as he sat up and swung his feet off the bed, with just the counterpane to cover his lap. He took the proffered plate of sandwiches and as he started to eat, Lupin sat down next to him again, resting his elbows on his knees.
"Albus asked me at dinner if I'd seen you today," Lupin said mildly.
"That man doesn't miss a trick," Snape said, rolling his eyes. "What did you say?"
"I told him I wasn't sure, but thought you had some research. I know you publish regularly. I thought that would be safe." Lupin smiled broadly. Snape returned a small, tight smile.
"I wonder what he knows," Snape mused, finishing the sandwiches.
"You can't think he was the caster, surely? Not of Dark magic." Lupin's eyebrows were raised.
"No, no, I don't. But Albus is very sensitive to Dark magic and he can trace even the most miniscule emanations of it. It is never safe to assume that Albus can be kept in the dark for too long."
"Perhaps we should seek his help?"
Snape regarded Lupin and then ran his hand and through Lupin's hair gently. "How would you feel about Albus knowing what there is, enchanted or otherwise, between us, Remus?" He let his hand drop and looked away. "It is private. I would hate it," Snape scowled.
Lupin nodded and then spoke softly, but urgently, "Severus, there is something very important that I have to say before the full moon tomorrow." Snape looked up, hearing Lupin's concerned tone. "You must not Call me tomorrow, even before moonrise. You need to understand what I will be.
"It is the time between times when I am neither wolf nor man, probably the only time I truly am the werewolf. Tomorrow I will be a man, but a very different man: a man with the cruel temperament and atavistic instincts of a predator." His voice wavered. "Send the house elf with my Potion please. I ask you, Severus, for both our sakes not to seek me out. I fear what could happen with the Thrall." He hung his head. "I beg you."
Snape was stunned. He had assumed he would spend the day with Lupin, being the full waxing of the moon. He wondered if the full waxing would affect Snape and place him in danger. If Lupin was warning him away, then he must consider the danger real. He grasped one of Lupin's hands tightly and nodded as Lupin looked at him.
"What of now?" Snape asked Lupin. "Must I send you away now?"
Lupin smiled and shook his head. He stood before Snape and undressed. Once he was naked before him, Snape, still sitting, put his arms out and started to trace his fingers across the larger of Lupin's scars on his torso. His touch was soft and enquiring.
"Remus, tell me about your scars," he said as he looked into Lupin's eyes. "There are so many."
If Lupin was uncomfortable with the question and the physical examination, he did not let it show. His own hands hovered over Snape's own.
"Most are scars from when I have transformed alone without Wolfsbane. Because human prey is denied to the wolf, its rage turns inward. They are cursed scars – bites, tears and scratches. Some," he held Snape's hand and traced it over specific scars, "are from bones that broke when the wolf tried to escape from wherever I had confined myself and could not reset themselves in the reversion. Usually, I didn't have expert help with them, not like when I was at school and Poppy tended me so well." Snape picked up the sadness in Lupin's voice. Perhaps he should not have asked, but since their discussion today, his mind kept travelling back to the cruel repetition of Lupin's affliction.
His fingers continued their journey over Lupin's scarred body, and Lupin stroked Snape's hair. His exploration was not driven by desire, but by sadness and sympathy – he was not used to feeling either and they threatened to overwhelm him. And something else, something out of place in this context for him: he wanted to protect Lupin, even though he knew he could not.
He stopped his exploration. "Come to bed, Remus," his voiced slightly choked.
"Are you sure, Severus? It has been a raw day for you." Lupin's eyes were soft with understanding. "I do not want to be in any way a reminder of those men." He really was too perceptive, Snape thought.
"I want you under my hand," Snape said softly. He moved over and held the covers open. Remus climbed into the bed and lay down. Snape moved to straddle his upper thighs and looked down at him for what seemed a long time. He wanted to take in the sight of this man in his bed, trusting him. He kissed him passionately and deeply, stroking his hair and face, but going no further.
It wasn't that Snape wasn't as filled with thick, hot desire as he had been last night; indeed he was. But it seemed to have taken on a different form since his revelations to Lupin earlier in the day and his own thoughts on Lupin later. He felt as if they were both made of glass and they might break. Snape didn't want them to break. His emotions were exposed and raw, his abiding nightmares too near the surface. He wanted the man, but didn't know how to take him without sullying him with those recollections that were too near his consciousness.
Whether Lupin understood what Snape was feeling, or felt the same, Snape did not know, but he slid up the headboard and manoeuvred Snape forward so he was kneeling over Lupin's body. He cradled Snape's back in his arms and drew him forward so that he could kiss his chest and stomach. He explored Snape's chest with his fingers, using them to abrade his nipples as he gasped as the touch, whilst his lips and tongue firmly explored his ribs and stomach until his mouth met the tip of Snape's erection. He slid his tongue firmly down the length of it, returning upwards with small bites and kisses, then feathering the tip with his tongue. He repeated this several times until Snape was moaning, and then took him in his mouth slowly and carefully, one hand massaging underneath whilst the other clutched the back of his thigh to draw him closer still.
The slow eroticism of it made Snape gasp and moan with each movement and he started to move his hips slowly to move himself further into Lupin's welcoming mouth. He braced himself with one hand against the headboard, the other hand clenching Lupin's hair. Lupin sped up, drawing Snape in further and sucking on his cock as he pulled him in and out, interspersing these with licks and kisses, never letting up the speed and friction. Snape's mind lost focus and the heat in his groin was fast travelling out, up his nerves and throughout his body. He rocked his own hips harder and held Lupin's head close, grasping at his hair as he felt himself slowly unravelling with heated pleasure, crying out, as he had never done before, as he came hard into the back of Lupin's throat. Lupin squeezed with hands and mouth to drain Snape fully before Snape almost fell forward but was caught by Lupin's hands and lowered down into a kiss. Snape tasted Lupin and himself in that kiss and carried on kissing until his heart slowed and then laid himself beside Lupin, his strength spent.
"I believe," said Lupin with an impish grin, "that would be a nefarious blandishment."
Snape's eyes widened and then he snorted with laughter briefly and pulled Lupin to him so Lupin lay in front of him with his back to Snape's chest, with his head to one side of Snape's. "I believe so and that would distract any right-thinking wizard."
He placed his arms around Lupin's waist and gently kissed the side of his neck and shoulders. He remembered that Lupin's bones and muscles would be aching and he did not want to hurt him, but he very much wanted to satisfy him. Then he felt Lupin take Snape's hand and place it around Lupin's erection. Lupin then placed his own hand around Snape's and began to pace Snape's stroke. It was a very firm grip and Snape found he was fascinated by the look of Lupin's hand covering his own. Lupin's hands were larger than Snape's; they were very masculine hands. He found he didn't want to tear is eyes away from the two hands moving together, luxuriously and languidly stroking. It was mesmeric.
After some time, Lupin tightened their grips and the pace quickened, he heard Lupin's breath become more ragged against his neck as Lupin started to kiss it distractedly. Lupin's mouth found Snape's and they kissed hard, tongues searching as the pace of the joint strokes quickened furiously and Lupin's breath hitched into the kiss which Snape maintained greedily, even though Lupin was gasping. Lupin then came in hard spurts, still gripping Snape's hand to himself to drain himself in rapid, squeezing strokes. As he finished, Snape bent in to kiss him, hands cupping Lupin's face as he did so.
Then Snape leant his head against Lupin's chest and listened to his heartbeat whilst Lupin stroked his hair in companionable silence for some time. He heard Lupin murmur a cleansing spell as Snape drifted towards a deep, satisfied and dreamless sleep.
A/N: Will Snape heed Lupin's warning?
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