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"Why Me?"	By : SpeedyTomato Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male Views: 88152 -:- Recommendations : 4 -:- Currently Reading : 8
Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter and make no money off this work of extreme insanity.

Chapter List
- 3
- 4
- 5
Beta'd by the amazing Tenchi. Love you, woman, you're the best!

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Chapter 4:

Hello, Grimmauld Place, goodbye sanity!

The first look at the inside of Grimmauld Place had Lucius wanting to demand that they relocate to Malfoy Manor. This was bad. Pinching the bridge of his nose, he groaned then said through clenched teeth, “What does your house elf do, Black?”

“Spends his time snogging my father's old trousers,” Sirius whispered back, guiding Harry past where the painting was. “And keep your voice down! You don't want to set the painting off.”

Huffing, glaring at Black's back, Lucius wasn't sure what the man was talking about, but decided it was probably prudent to do as he was told. He would figure out what was going on soon enough.

Leading them both into the kitchen, he sighed when he saw only Remus there. Shaking his head, he gave his old friend a look then told Harry to sit down. Snatching a beer and a butterbeer for his godson, he then flopped on the bench by Harry. A look at Lucius told the man he was on his own for finding a drink. Cracking open the beer, he took a long pull then looked at Remus before saying, “Oh, this is a ruddy nightmare!”

Nodding, shooting wary looks at Lucius, Remus asked, softly, “Is the bond breakable?”

“Doubtful,” Sirius said, shaking his head. Glancing at Lucius, who had flopped down at the head of the table with his head in his hands, a snifter of brandy in front of him that his house elf had delivered, he said, wondering if he would be able to get it out, “He even has You-Know-Who, at least this version of him, looking into it.” Surprised he managed to say that aloud, assuming that the bond knew Remus was safe and wouldn't betray them, he looked at his old friend. “Albus is looking as well, but—well, you know. I doubt he's going to look that hard. After all, Lucius is too big of a catch for him to want to break the bond.”

Sighing, Remus nodded, glancing over at Malfoy, who was looking like someone had run over his favorite dog or something. “This is bad.”

“No kidding,” Lucius snarled, lifting his head. Picking up the brandy, he downed the whole snifter in one drink. Glowering at the empty snifter when he sat it on the table, he was pleased his elf seemed to get the hint and it appeared to refill on its own. “It's doubtful anything can be done to break the bond. These types—they tend to be unbreakable.”

Arms folded on the table, Harry's head was resting on them, ignoring the butterbeer. Grousing, he moaned, “I liked girls.”

Rubbing his godson's head, Sirius shook his own, looking down, not sure what to say about that. Lifting his head, he glanced at Malfoy, then to Remus, before saying, “I have a shite-tonne to fill you in on. And—let's say it contradicts everything Albus has to say on what's going on.”

Looking interested, Remus nodded. “We'll make time later.”

“Someone thinks you're sexy and delectable,” Harry said to Remus, not lifting his head. “And a certain snake wants me as a teddy bear. I think I’m going to have nightmares about that for quite a while.”

Eyes widening, Remus looked at Harry then shot a quizzical glance to Sirius. “What? Who is that?”

Amused, Lucius sipped his brandy then said, “The Dark Lord himself. He does have a rather sizable crush on you, Lupin.”

Stammering, eyes widening, Remus shot a panicked look at Sirius. “What? You're—no!”

“Oh, yes,” Sirius told him, nodding, sipping his beer. Seeing the look on his old friend's face, he said, “One word, Remus; flaming.”

Stiffening up, Remus looked around at the three then shook his head, “Um, the level of wrong even contemplating that descends to is beyond my comprehension!”

“So does a snake wanting to keep me as a teddy bear,” Harry told him, lifting his head and taking a sip of his butterbeer.

“I wouldn't worry just yet, Lupin,” Lucius told him, looking at the table. “When he starts officially courting you, then you need to worry. Right now it's still in the mooning over you and licking your pictures stage. It usually doesn’t go beyond that.”

“Umm—licking my pictures?” Remus managed to squeak out, giving Sirius a panicked look.

“It's normal, nothing to worry about,” Lucius said with a dismissive wave. “He's had a crush on most Order members, the male ones anyway, at one point or another, other than the old ones. I believe he's cycled through the males of the Weasley clan several times by now. It's just a phase. Right now, you're his current fixation. He'll get over it.”

“There is nothing at all normal about that, Malfoy,” Sirius told him, looking in his direction, sipping at his beer.

Thinking that over, Lucius nodded, conceding that point. “Let me rephrase; normal for him. Like I said, if courting rituals start, then you panic. For now, he's just mooning over you.”

“Umm—courting rituals?” Remus stuttered out, looking between his old friend and Lucius, eyes so wide they were tearing.

“You know the kind of thing; flowers, candy, poems, singing telegrams, the offer to kill off anyone making problems in your life. The normal. It doesn't usually progress to that sort of thing,” Lucius told him with a dismissive wave.

Blinking slowly, Harry shook his head then sipped at his butterbeer before commenting, “And I thought being snuggled by Nagini was bad--”

Stammering, Remus looked at Sirius then back to Lucius, not sure what to say.

“You're fine,” Lucius told him. “I'll let you know when it's time to panic.” Deciding that was all that needed to be said on the topic, he looked at Black then glowered, “I want my elves to clean this place! It's disgusting!”

“Have at it,” Sirius told him, sipping his beer. “Just leave my room and my old one alone. Anything else is fair game there.”

Pleased that Black wasn't going to argue about that, Lucius said, “I'm tired. Show me to your mother's room and I'll get them on the task. I can have my furnishings moved over from the manor quickly.”

“Your mother's room?” Remus asked, eyebrow going up, as he looked at Sirius.

“Yes, mother's room,” Sirius told him, looking sadistically amused.

Even Harry, who was staring morosely at the table, snickered at that, eyes taking on a slightly sadistic sheen.

“Alright,” Remus said, looking between the three then shaking his head.

Standing, Sirius said, “Follow me,” then helped Harry up and led the way out of the kitchen.

Deciding that some sleep was needed before he tackled whatever else needed to be done, Lucius downed the last of his brandy then followed along. Summoning a couple elves, he was conversing with them about what he wanted done as they walked up the stairs. Just as he passed by a painting that had curtains in front of it, they flew open and he found himself looking at Walburga Black. Smirking, he nodded, “Walburga. What a pleasant surprise.”

“Lucius,” Walburga cooed, smiling at him. “How good to see you! Finally, I get to speak with someone that isn't a traitor, foul filth or friends to my greatest disappointment! You are married to Narcissa, one of the purest of our line. No, this pleases me!”

Stepping back down by the painting, Sirius grinned evilly then said, “No, he's not, mother. He and Narcissa are divorced. In fact, the divorce came about because he's now bonded with me and my godson.” Letting out an evil chuckle, he then grabbed Harry's arm and dragged him up the stairs before the painting blew.

Eyes bugging out of her head, Walburga shrieked, “What? You divorced Narcissa to bond with that traitorous son of mine! Foul abomination! How the Malfoy line has fallen! Evil traitorous son!”

Blindsided by the shrieking, Lucius stumbled backwards, almost falling over the railing as he glowered at the painting. Mentally cursing Black as Walburga shrieked on, setting off all the other paintings, he pointed his wand at her and cast a freezing charm that stopped paintings from moving for a couple minutes. Quickly, he shut the curtains then did the same with the other paintings before heading up the stairs after Black, muttering curses as he did. Oh, that painting was coming down as soon as he could manage to get one of his elves assigned to the task!

Stomping up to the third floor after the debacle with the painting, Lucius glowered at Black when he saw him and Potter standing at the end of the hall. “You did that on purpose!” He hissed, as he tried to get his hair back into place.

“I did,” Sirius grinned sadistically. “I told you to be quiet. Now you know why.”

Huffing, glaring at Black, Lucius ground out. “I wish to see my room. I need to determine how much work needs to be done on it.”

Giving Lucius a grin, eyes dancing, Sirius opened the door then gestured for the man to step in.

Stepping into the room, Lucius stopped cold, looking at the hippogriff on the bed. “What in Merlin's name is this, Black?”

“Lucius, meet Buckbeak. You know, the hippogriff you tried to get executed because Draco, being a bratty little oik like he always is, couldn't be arsed to follow instructions and pay proper respect to, so he was attacked.” Sirius explained, chuckling deeply. “Actually, Buckbeak and I are good friends as we ran off together.”

Blinking, looking at the being he didn't know, the hippogriff took in what was said then narrowed his eyes. Standing, he began to walk towards Malfoy, hissing angrily.

“I guess Hagrid was right; they do have long memories,” Harry said, grinning.

“Apparently! I guess I'll have to introduce him to Draco when he comes for his visits. That should be amusing,” Sirius chuckled evilly.

Backing out of the room, face pale, Lucius said, “Get him under control, Black!”

“He is under control. He just remembers what happened is all,” Sirius told him, grinning manically.

Bumping into the wall, Lucius plastered himself to it then said, “He can keep that room, I'll find another I believe.”

Looking at Buckbeak, reaching out to stroke his feathers, Sirius asked, “Alright with you, Buckbeak?”

Making a contented noise, eyes sliding partially shut, the hippogriff leaned into the petting.

Grinning, Sirius nodded then said, “Alright.” After having Harry toss the hippogriff a ferret, he shut the door then looked at Malfoy, still grinning. “Well, I guess that means we have to find you another room, doesn't it? I mean, we can't have Buckbeak tearing you apart over what you did, can we?”

Glowering at Black, Lucius's eyes narrowed. “That was uncalled for!”

“No, having an innocent hippogriff almost executed because your son is a brat that can't follow instructions is uncalled for,” Sirius shot right back, glaring at him.

Huffing, pinching the bridge of his nose, Lucius shook his head. Gritting his teeth, he said, “What other rooms are available that are decent in size?”

“There's the one Ron and I stayed in last year,” Harry said, trying to be helpful.

Figuring if it was big enough for two people, it would be big enough for him, Lucius nodded. “That could work.”

“Yeah, it's big enough. There is the painting of Phineas though,” Sirius contemplated, looking down. “I mean, that is in Albus' office so you know the old goat is going to try to annoy him into changing sides.”

Eyes narrowing at the mere thought of Dumbledore having that kind of access to him, Lucius hissed, “Absolutely not! There has to be something else!”

“There is Regulus' room. Kreacher won't like you staying in there, though,” Sirius said, looking at Lucius.

“I am not worried about a mere house elf!” Lucius huffed, glaring at Black.

“Have at it then,” Sirius told him dismissively, directing him to the room.

Liking the fact that it was a floor down from the other two, thus giving him privacy, Lucius straightened his robes then called his elves and headed in that direction, head held high. Oh, this was getting worse as time went on! No, it had to stop. He would settle in and get some sleep, a nap at the very least, then things would look up!

Sprawled out on the bed his elves made certain was cleaned, sanitized and fit for sleeping on, Lucius had a sleep mask on and was in that stage of somewhere between a doze and real sleep when he was yanked back to the waking world by what felt like a small animal walking on his chest. Having felt something similar with Narcissa's cats, he assumed Black had one as well. Huffing indignantly, fumbling for his wand with one hand and lifting the mask with the other, he found himself face to face with a house elf with a dirty towel slung around his waist. Assuming this was Kreacher, he glared at the elf then said, “Out! I'm trying to get some rest!”

Glowering at the being sleeping in Master Regulus' bed, Kreacher muttered, “Foul, nasty blood traitor! Divorce Miss Cissy to be with my Mistress' biggest disappointment! No! You will not stay in Master Regulus' bed!”

Huffing, shooting a death glare at the elf, Lucius hissed, “Get out! It is not a house elf's place to dictate who can sleep in what room.”

Lifting his head, droopy ears twitching in an agitated way, Kreacher produced a large, heavy, centuries old goblin made cast iron skillet then announced, “Foul blood traitors do not deserve to sleep in Master Regulus' room!”

Fumbling for his wand, sure it was on the bedside table, but not able to get his hand on it, Lucius was keeping an eye on the obviously insane elf. “Kreacher, you will leave! I am bonded with Sirius--” and that was all Lucius was able to get out of his mouth when the elf swatted him upside the head with the skillet, making his head feel like it was ringing, a deep, painful throb starting in it.

“No, nasty blood traitors, disappointments to my Mistress, will not sleep in Master Regulus' bed!” Kreacher hissed, walloping Lucius upside the head with the skillet once more as hard as he could.

Rolling out of the bed, Lucius managed to find his wand where it had fallen onto the floor and spun around to face the elf that was the walking dead. Hissing, he said, rubbing the side of his head, “Where are you, you foul little abomination! Show yourself!”

“You will not sleep in Master Regulus' room!” Kreacher hissed as he popped up behind Lucius, swatting him on the arse with the pan.

Squealing in pain, though he would deny that until the day he died, Lucius spun around, sending out a freezing hex at the elf. However, the elf had once more vanished. Rubbing his now sore arse, he looked around, wand kept out.

“Get out of Master Regulus' room!” Kreacher shouted, appearing beside the Malfoy patriarch, smacking him a good one alongside the knee before popping out.

Letting out a howl of pain, Lucius spun around, only for the back of his head to take a hard blow from the skillet with the obviously deranged elf appearing behind him once more. That was it! The company might not be the best, but at least he would be safe staying in with Black and Potter! Limping towards the door, keeping his want drawn, and an eye out for the insane elf, Lucius vowed that someone, somewhere was going to end up hexed before the day was finally done!

Sirius was sprawled on his bed in a pair of boxers with Harry curled up, head resting on his chest. Holding onto his godson, he was explaining some of what was said, such as the metaphor about Lucius molesting plants, though steadfastly avoiding the topic of what was insinuated about Padfoot. Both of them, finally, were at last starting to relax after such a trying day when the door to his room burst open. Grabbing his wand, Harry sitting up and doing the same, Sirius pointed it at the door then looked at a very disheveled Lucius. “What happened to you?” He asked, taking in how mussed the man's hair was and the snitch sized lump on his forehead.

Slamming the door shut behind him, Lucius glared at Black then hissed, rubbing his arse where the damned elf had gotten him once more, “Your elf is deranged!”

“No shite!” Sirius said, looking at him. “Any of us could tell you that!”

“Now what did he do?” Harry asked, lowering his wand.

“I was beaten with a cast iron skillet and called a blood traitor for sleeping in your brother's room,” Lucius huffed, trying to straighten his hair. Slumping, he shook his head then said, “I concede! I'll stay in here for the night! All I want is sleep!”

Rolling his eyes, though snickering at the image of Lucius being beaten by Kreacher, Sirius said, “Whatever, Malfoy. Won't that put your nobby nose out of joint though?”

“I care not,” Lucius huffed, walking over to the bed. Taking a seat on the edge of it, he winced as the bruise on his arse came in contact with the mattress. “All I want is a decent night's sleep. Tomorrow I'll worry about finding a room of my own.” Though glowering down at the sheets that weren't silk, he eased his robe off, leaving him in only his silken boxers, then slid himself onto the bed and stretched out, putting his wand on the table beside the bed, sliding the sleep mask back down over his eyes.

Looking over at the elder Malfoy, Sirius said, “Word of warning, Malfoy; you snore, there will be hell to pay and we will get revenge on your nobby arse!”

Lifting one edge of the sleep mask, Lucius glowered at Black then hissed, “It is a physical impossibility for a Malfoy to snore!”

“It better be, for your sake,” Sirius warned. “Harry and I are tired. We don't need you keeping us up!”

“Then quit your blathering and rest,” Lucius huffed, lowering the mask and settling in.

Shaking his head, Sirius rolled his eyes then settled back, holding onto Harry. Rubbing his eyes, he sighed. This was going to be a long night.

Two hours later, Sirius and Harry were standing at the foot of the bed, glaring at Lucius, clutching onto their wands.

Rubbing his tired eyes, Sirius said, “I didn't think it was physically possible for someone to snore that loudly!”

“He sounds like a dragon dying of a respiratory problem,” Harry told him, throwing his hands up, rolling his eyes. “Even Uncle Vernon isn't this loud!”

Listening to a long drawn out snore so loud the panes seemed to rattle in their windows, Sirius hissed, “That's it! I want some fucking sleep! I warned him.” Levitating the blissfully sleeping Lucius, he jerked his head for Harry to follow him, then walked out of the room with Lucius still snoring so loudly the walls seemed to shake, preceding them.

Navigating down the stairs, Sirius wasn't sure where to put Malfoy until they reached the bottom floor without setting off his mother's painting. It was then he heard the murmur of voices in the kitchen. Looking determined, eyes flinty, he guided the still blissfully unaware and loudly snoring Lucius through the door.

Startled when the door opened, Albus, and everyone else at the table, looked up. Seeing the sleeping Lucius being levitated in by Sirius with an angry looking Harry trailing behind, clutching onto his wand, Albus looked slightly stunned, though there was some twinkling going on. “Sirius?” The aging headmaster asked, somewhat amused by the sight of the boxer clad Lucius soundly sleeping.

Gently placing Lucius on the table, Sirius glared at the man as he kept right on snoring so loudly the plates in the cupboards seemed to rattle. Looking at his godson, he jerked his head forward, keeping his wand raised. When Harry was by him he said, “On the count of three.” Counting down, the two then released jets of ice cold water on Lucius.

Lost in a wonderful dream of chasing Black's animagus form through a field of poppies, Lucius was jarred back into reality by the feeling of something like being plunged into a lake of pure ice water. Sitting up, gasping for air, wide eyed, Lucius tried to fumble for his wand but couldn't seem to find the bedside stand. Looking up after shoving his sleep mask onto the top of his head, he saw a very angry Black and Potter glaring at him, wands raised. Eyes narrowing, he hissed, “You! What did you do?”

“You were snoring so loud the walls were shaking,” Harry snapped at him, folding his arms over his chest. “We want to sleep! We're tired!”

“Impossible!” Lucius hissed. “Malfoy's don't snore!”

“Like fucking hell they don't!” Sirius snarled. “Two hours, Malfoy! Two fucking hours Harry and I have had to put up with you! I warned you what would happen!”

“Liar!” Lucius said, making to slide out of bed. That's when he was confronted with the fact that he was no longer in the bedroom, but on the kitchen table with several people staring at him, obviously amused, including a twinkling Dumbledore.

Mustering as much dignity as he could in the situation, Lucius slid off the table and looked down, face reddening at the fact he was only in his wet boxer shorts. Rounding on Black, he hissed, “That was uncalled for!”

“I told you what would happen if you snored,” Sirius shot back, looking thunderous.

“Malfoy's don't snore!” Lucius growled back, walking over and standing in front of Black.

“Oh, I beg to differ,” Albus chuckled, looking entirely too amused.

“That was a rather loud example of snoring!” Remus snorted softly, looking down, shoulders shaking.

Rounding on the people at the table, Lucius hissed, “I do not snore!”

Having had enough, Sirius raised his wand and shot another blast of cold water at him. Eyes flinty, he said, “Enough! Take a sleeping potion or something, I don't care! No more snoring!” Looking at Harry, he jerked his head towards the two then headed out of the room.

Huffing indignantly, Lucius looked around at the amused faces then stormed out of the room, following Black. Once he caught up to the two back in the bedroom, he slammed the door shut and looked around for his wand. Revenge was coming and Black was going to pay! Already, he was dreaming up curses to use on him, ones he was sure would manifest as they weren't harmful.

“Looking for this?” Sirius asked smoothly, holding up Lucius' wand.

Stiffening up, glaring at Black, Lucius hissed, “Give me my wand!”

Holding out a sleeping potion, Sirius said, “When you take this, I'll give it back. You will lay on your side and I swear that if you keep on snoring, you're going to find yourself waking up in the park across the street, Malfoy!”

Gauging whether that was an idle threat or not, Lucius, from the look on Black's face, decided it wasn't and took the potion. Downing it, he said, “There. Now, give me my wand!”

Handing it over, casting a shield in front of himself and Harry, Sirius said, “On your side, Malfoy! No more snoring!”

Pointing his wand at the two, he tried every hex he could think of but none would manifest. After all, something like those would be considered harming the two, unlike the water drenching, which was harmless. Stopping, jaw clenching, Lucius rubbed his eyes and shook his head. “I want sleep.”

“On your side,” Sirius ground out, arms folded over his chest.

Vowing revenge the next day, Lucius sat on the bed after doing a drying spell on himself then curled up on his side, lowering his sleep mask. Someone, somewhere, was going to pay for this indignity, he just wasn't sure who yet. However, as he drifted off, he was cataloging the names of those he was going to get revenge on.

Slumping as Malfoy dozed off and there was no snoring, Sirius put a hand on Harry's shoulder and gave it a squeeze. “Let's get some sleep, or try to.”

Rubbing his eyes, Harry nodded. Though he wasn't used to sharing a bed with anyone, he was so tired he was about to drop, so he thought he might manage. Sliding in the bed and scooting to the middle of it, he waited for Sirius to slide in. Once his godfather did, Harry draped partially over him and sighed, shutting his eyes. He hoped like hell that this was all just a nightmare, but was sure it was real. Either way, he was getting some damned sleep!

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"Why Me?"