All That You Leave Behind

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Chapter Forty



The two men sat in silence. Severus was touched by what Harry had done, although a little disturbed at the idea as well.



“Sev?” Harry’s voice was tentative.



“Hmm?”



“How could you have not… you know… with me when you saw Lily? You, you kept her eyelashes all these years. Why do that if you didn’t really love her?”



“I kept them.” He spoke softly. “At first I kept them because I thought I loved her, but eventually I realised that whilst I loved her, I wasn’t in love with her. By that time, of course, James had carried her off, and I couldn’t even be her friend, so I kept them, as they were all I had of her.”



“But…” Harry’s face wrinkled into a puzzled frown. “All these years. I thought you were crazy about her!”



Severus smiled slightly. “Hardly, Harry. Not when I finally accepted a truth about myself.”



“What truth?”



“I prefer to be physical with men rather than with women.”



“You’re…you’re gay?!” Harry breathed, eyes wide. “How can you be sure?” he began babbling, “Maybe you never had sex with a woman, maybe…”



“I have slept with a woman, Harry. And it was that experience which finally forced me to accept my sexuality. I thought I could make myself ‘straight’ by doing what was expected. I couldn’t. I am what I am, Harry.” His final comment seemed rather pointed, and Harry’s face flamed.



“I’m not gay,” Harry said defensively, “I’m married. I have a son!”



Severus merely commented dryly, “If you allow yourself to be kissed by another man, and seem, if I may be so bold, to be enjoying it, I would suggest that perhaps you are that way inclined.”



He paused for a few minutes, awaiting a rebuttal from Harry, but none came. He went on gently, “And if you are willing to be penetrated by another man – regardless of the body it was you which desired it – then most people would say that you are, rather definitely, gay.” Severus almost snarled the last word. He hated the term. He hated being defined by his sexual preference.



Harry blushed vividly and chewed on his lower lip. His head was pounding horribly. Alcohol, combined with the physical and emotional drain of the past hour, was conspiring to make his head hurt. “I…I did it for you,” he said in a small voice.



Severus shook his head. “The truth please, Harry, you owe yourself that much.”



Tears in his eyes, Harry stared resolutely at the floor. “I…I wanted to know what it would be like to be taken. I wanted to experience that. And I wanted it to be you doing that to me” He gulped, wiped his running nose, “I…I love Ginny. I do, Sev. I really do, and I love sleeping with her, but, but I can’t stop myself from wanting you, from wanting to sleep with you too.” He choked back a sob. “What’s wrong with me?” Finally he looked into warm black eyes. “What’s wrong with me, Sev?”



Severus’ heart leapt at the pain and confusion in Harry’s tone. “Nothing,” he said firmly, “There is nothing wrong with you. People are capable of great love, capable of loving more than one person. That you want to be physical with more than one person only shows the depth of your ability to love. I think some people are not really gay or straight, rather than can see love in all its guises and can enjoy the physical pleasures, regardless of the gender of the person they feel attracted to.”



He sighed, before slipping out of his own chair and to his knees in front of Harry. He gently put one finger under Harry’s downcast chin and tilted it up until their eyes met and held. “You are not gay, or straight, or bisexual.” He said softly, “You are Harry.”



Green eyes shining with further unshed tears, Harry managed a wobbly smile at the love in Severus’ voice. He looked at the mouth that had spoken such kind words and ached to feel it on him again. He wanted to kiss Severus and feel the lips gently caressing his face, his neck, his body. He blushed with embarrassment, but didn’t shy away from the feeling. Harry licked his lips.



"Tell me what you want, Harry," Severus murmured.



Harry's gaze was fixed upon Severus' lips, a noticeable flush staining his cheeks.



Severus felt the change in Harry, saw the desire blazing in those emerald eyes. He closed the gap between them and let himself sample the lips of his beloved for the second time that night.



Harry gasped a little at the feel of that mouth again upon his. He pressed forward, keen to feel greater pressure, to be consumed by this man.



Severus longed to lay claim to Harry, to kiss every inch of his body, to possess him, but needed to begin slowly. He nibbled temptingly at the younger man’s bottom lip, drawing it into his own mouth and sucking hard on it.



Harry moaned, deep in his throat and opened his mouth to let Severus invade it.



The older man slid his tongue easily inside Harry’s warm cavern, loving the taste and feeling of kissing him so completely. His body was filled with the taste and smell and feel of Harry, and Harry was addictive. He plundered the mouth, tongue twisting in and rubbing along Harry’s muscle, tangling with it and drawing it into his own mouth, nearly panting as he felt Harry lick the inside of his mouth and begin learning Severus’ taste.



Need made them shift closer together. Severus settling between Harry’s legs, hands sliding down the back to grab at the buttocks and pull Harry against him so that their aching erections could rub together. One hand tangled in Harry’s messy hair as Severus again pressed into the delicious mouth. He revelled in the feel of the hard body pressed so tightly against his, the feel of Harry yielding to his mouth. He slid his hands up from the taut bottom, along Harry's sides, his fingers memorising each inch of toned muscle along the way.



He'd hoped and dreamed of this for so long, waited so long, and it was difficult not to give in to his baser desires, but he didn't want to scare Harry, he wanted to make sure that Harry truly wanted this.



Still, his desire for the other was strong, and he allowed his hands to indulge themselves, sliding back up to cup the heated cheeks of his Harry once again, deepening their kiss even more.



A muffled moan from Harry set his hands into motion again, his fingers tracing down along Harry's throat, pausing over the throbbing pulse point, caressing it, before continuing down to the firm and muscled chest pressed against his own. Slight pressure from his fingers caused Harry to lean back just enough to enable Severus' questing fingers to reach the hardened nubs they were seeking.



A light tug and pinch hardened them into even stiffer peaks, and cause another delicious moan to be released into his mouth, which he lapped up and devoured hungrily, stoking a desire so fierce he wanted to consume Harry.



Harry whimpered, making Severus' desire increase a hundredfold. Then a thousandfold as Harry wrapped legs and arms around Severus' body, his own telltale stiffness pressing against Severus'. Harry rocked his hips, and their shafts ground together.



Again Severus' lust clouded mind thought about how easy it would be to take what was offered, simply press Harry back into the cushions, rip the clothing from his body and loose himself in the glory of finally making his dreams come true.



Now it was Severus whimpering, his needs and desire waging an internal battle with his rational mind and more sensible self. He wanted Harry to want it too, to not regret it, to not hate Severus in the morning.



Yet, the body thrusting against his clearly said he did want it. Harry had said so; he wanted Severus to be the one to show him.



Severus ripped his mouth away from Harry's, gasping for air, his entire body shaking with long suppressed need, temptation making him weak. He clutched the warm and pliable body of his Harry, gulping audibly, his fingers twitching across the taut chest, peaked nipples, itching to rip away the cloth that separated them.



Helplessly he looked into lust-laden emerald eyes, raking down to the wet, lush mouth that begged to be possessed again, and felt himself falling before temptation, helpless to resist.



"....bed....," Harry breathed, and Severus froze, unable to believe what he'd heard.



Harry was asking for him to take him to bed! his mind sang deliriously.



"Bed," Severus agreed, and Harry nodded.



"I think....I need bed.....too...too much....to drink..." Harry slurred, and Severus froze in disbelief once again.



It took several moments for Severus to cool his heated mind, but the rational, sensible side of him ultimately won the battle, and he found himself glad for it. He wanted Harry, badly, but taking advantage of him was no way to do it. They'd made progress tonight. Harry had at last admitted his attraction to Severus, had admitted he wanted to be kissed by him, had enjoyed it. That in itself was more than Severus had any right to hope for. He could be patient. His Harry was worth the wait.



Swallowing audibly to wet his dry throat, Severus placed a soft kiss on those oh-so-desirable lips then said, "Yes, Harry. Bed."