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Lost and Damned	By : danniperson Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male > Harry/Snape Views: 24087 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, the characters or the world or anything, and I make absolutely no profit from this.

Chapter List
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LOST AND DAMNED

We Were Infinite for a Moment

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Harry's week had been going so well up until Friday. He spent every afternoon in lessons with Snape…well, Severus…and after a bit of practicing they would sit and talk and sometimes they would even snog for a bit, though Severus still seemed too wary of getting too close. Still, his new behavior was at least progress that Harry was happy with. He was on Cloud Nine, he swore, and nothing could keep him down…Not Hermione's rotten moods after Potions or Theodore Nott's constant flirting after Potions classes, or even the strange behavior Draco and Hermione were both exhibiting. The more days that went by, the more confident Harry was that things between Severus and himself were finally going to be steady and good. He never thought he'd have Voldemort or Theodore Nott to thank for that, but in a strange way, they had played their parts.

Everything seemed to crash Friday night in his detention with McGonagall and Nott. Nott grabbed his arse before walking into the classroom and was always flirting the best he could and touching Harry as often as he could get away with it. It wasn't always his arse, either, but everywhere felt too intimate and wrong. Harry glared at him and ignored him the best he could, but Nott wasn't giving up. All they were doing was writing lines, but McGonagall hadn't seen it necessary to discourage Nott from sitting right beside him and every time she looked away there would be a hand on his thigh or fingers in his hair. When detention was over with, Theodore followed him to a desolate corridor and tried snogging him again. "I'm not interested, Nott!" Harry finally snapped. "Give it a rest!"

That didn't make Severus feel much better, though, when Harry sneaked into his office later that night to show him the memory. That had led to a rather heated argument that infuriated Harry to no end. Severus went on much the same way he had when Theodore first kissed Harry, about finding someone his age and someone so attractive, though this time he mentioned a lot of awful things he wanted to do to Nott. "Look you sodding bastard, I pushed him away! I came down here to tell you right away!Why the bloody hell do you think I want him? Are you just looking for an excuse to give up on us?" Harry snarled. "I love you, you arsehole! But from what I can see, you can't possibly care for me that much. You can't possibly know me if you think so little of me!" Severus made up for it all though with whispered apologies and quiet "I love you"'s and gentle kisses and deep gazes that made him feel like the most treasured thing in the world.

Saturday didn't seem to be going much better. He woke up and began reading more of his Potions text and even practiced one of the spells the Half Blood Prince had written in there, nonverbal Levicorpus and had ended up suspending poor Neville in midair. Then on their way out to Hogsmeade Hermione had her little diatribe over the subject; she didn't trust the Prince and was still trying to convince Harry to give up the book and Harry was still convinced that she was jealous. Mr. Filch was getting a bit too rough with a Secrecy Sensor, checking every student before letting them out. Ginny did manage to give him a note from Dumbledore with the date and time of their next lesson and got jabbed extra hard from nosy Mr. Filch. They got stopped by Slughorn on their way there, who wanted to know why Harry kept missing his dinners (that Hermione couldn't seem to find her way out of). Harry had enough excuses with Quidditch, meetings with Dumbledore, and "Remedial Potions" and the meeting ended with a promise from Slughorn that he would get him one day. Hermione tried convincing him that they weren't too bad and he ended up promising he would go to one for her sake. After a short trip to Honeydukes they headed to the Three Broomsticks where Harry found Mundungus Fletcher selling stuff he had stolen from Sirius's house, which had pissed off Harry. After Mundungus Disapparated Tonks appeared to calm him down and assure him that Sirius would probably not even care and if he did that he would deal with the thief.

Harry was in a rotten mood the time they got into the pub to order their butterbeers and Hermione didn't seem to be fairing much better. Eventually a very anxious looking Draco Malfoy joined them and the three brooded and sipped on butterbeers in silence. Harry was tempted to just leave and head back to the castle and sneak down early to visit Severus…Why had he even come here when he could be spending his time with the man? Though with how badly today had started off, Harry was almost afraid to go down to those dungeons, worried that his bad luck might follow him there and Merlin knew it wouldn't take much to set off Severus and have him calling the whole thing off again. Eventually Harry tried to snap him out of it and tried asking Hermione and Draco about the things bothering them, but neither seemed very talkative and Draco seemed almost panicked every time Harry tried probing him for answers.

"It's nothing," Hermione would say in a tone that was both nervous and depressed.

"I'm fine!" Draco would say in a high voice.

"Shall we call it a day and go back to school, then?" Harry finally asked.

The other two nodded. No one seemed to have been enjoying this Hogsmeade trip very much. The three stood and arranged themselves in cloaks and scarves and gloves before heading out into the cold weather. Harry walked between his two friends up High Street and up the road to Hogwarts, lost in thought, still debating over whether or not to go visit Severus and thinking of what he could do to occupy himself if he decided against it.

It was a little while before Harry became aware of a pair of girls just ahead of them. They seemed to be having an argument, their voices growing louder by the minute. Harry squinted, trying to make out the figures, and eventually recognized Katie Bell with one of her friends. Curious, Harry began paying more attention to them, straining to hear them and walking a bit faster to keep within hearing range. They were arguing over some package Katie had in her hands. "It has nothing to do with you, Leanne!" Katie said.

A few minutes later, Leanne went to grab the package in Katie's hand and Katie tugged it back and the package fell to the ground. Immediately, Katie rose into the air gracefully, looking like she was ready to fly. Something was wrong, though. Harry, Draco, Hermione, and Leanne all stopped and watched her as she hung in midair. When she was six feet above the ground, she began to scream. Her eyes flew open and she screamed and screamed in pain. Leanne started to scream, too, in fear and ran out and jumped up to grab at Katie's feet to try to tug her down. Harry and Hermione ran out to help while Draco stood back, staring wide eyed and petrified at her. His mouth hung open and his jaw trembled and he had never looked more awful in his life, but Harry was more focused on trying to help Katie. Eventually Draco joined them and when he began trying to help, Katie fell and Harry and Draco caught her. Her body still writhed and it was hard to hold her, so they did their best to carefully lower her to the ground. Once she seemed safe enough laying there, Harry looked around them.

"Stay here!" he ordered the others and began to run in search of help.

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Albus Dumbledore would not be back to Hogwarts until Monday. It made Harry anxious and Severus, too, could admit to a bit of worry. Severus had known Draco's intent. It had taken a bit to get Draco to tell him. The boy was so scared, so ashamed of what he was doing…He just wanted it over, he said. He had to do it, he kept saying. He had to protect his family and the people he cared about. Severus understood that, though he reminded him that by letting him know things, he could help. Once Draco told him about the cursed necklace, Severus told Albus and they came up with a plan that would have the necklace intercepted and even if it was to reach Albus, he wouldn't touch it, forewarned of what it was. The Dark Lord would know of his attempt and while it was a failure, it was at least getting them closer. Fortunately, Albus made a good enough excuse by being away that day. Gone until Monday…And still, Severus was more anxious to see him than ever.

A student affected by this and so close to Harry? It worried Severus. And even without all of that, Albus promised him answers the time he returned. Severus was growing frustrated by the lack of information and what felt like lack of trust from Albus. Neither Albus or Harry would tell him what their private lessons were about, though Albus did promise him some information when he returned from whatever it was he left the castle for these days. Today, though, Severus was sure he could have foregone all of the information Albus was willing to share if only to discuss this. Severus was so very angry with Draco.

Even knowing what Draco was going to do, he was still so furious. Another student had gotten hurt! An innocent person hurt because of carelessness! And to happen near Harry? Where the necklace could have hurt Harry. Draco knew of Harry's heroic tendencies. How could he have drawn Harry close to that situation? Severus fully intended to give Draco a piece of his mind, but for now he spent Saturday afternoon curled up on his couch with Harry in his arms. He spent a great deal of time calming Harry down and watching him pace and listening to his speculations. Harry seemed to suspect Draco had something to do with it, though he never came out and said it and Severus did his best to steer his mind away from such thoughts, even if he was incredibly furious with his godson at the moment. Eventually they laid on the couch and kissed for a while before Harry decided to take a nap on him and Severus had summoned one of his books…One of his favorites, one of few by a wizard author. It was called The Crime of Easton, written in the late 1800s by Severus Augusten. It had been one of his mother's favorite books, he knew, by one of her favorite authors. It was where Severus had gotten his own name and while his name was harsh and unflattering, he was proud to bear it, sharing the name of such a brilliant author.

He was midway through chapter thirteen (approaching his favorite scene between the two main characters, Amira and Silas) when Harry mumbled against his neck, "This is nice," with a soft kiss. Severus's body tingled at the gentle touch of those soft lips against the bare skin of his neck and he let the book close with his thumb still pressed on the page to save his spot. "What is?" he asked.

"Being with you like this," Harry said quietly. "S'comfy," he said and nuzzled against Severus's neck. "And I like watching you read."

"You find watching people read more interesting than actually reading something yourself?" Severus asked, raising an eyebrow.

Harry chuckled tiredly. "No…Just you." He couldn't help but feel a bit pleased by that. Severus grunted as the boy shifted a bit, Harry's knee digging harshly into his own and his elbow pressed a bit too hard into his stomach, but he was able to relax once Harry settled down. Severus was prepared to return to his reading when he felt those lips he so loved press against the corner of his mouth and then gently against his own lips.

"I was trying to read, you realize?" Severus asked against Harry's mouth.

"Yeah, well I was sleeping and now I'm not," Harry pointed out, kissing him softly.

"I'm thirty six years old. I cannot keep up with your crazy teenage hormones," Severus said stiffly, though he honestly didn't mind holding Harry and kissing him. Some strong force inside of him, though, resisted these things…He could never just be happy with something. There always had to be that voice telling him it was wrong and sometimes, just barely, that voice won out. Especially after the scare of the day, Severus wasn't feeling much up to having the sort of fun Harry wanted.

"I just want a bloody snog," Harry grumbled, continuing to kiss him. They were such soft, teasing kisses…brushes of the lip that were barely there. Finally Severus grumbled and reached to his side to grab a bookmark from the side table (dog-earing pages was a big no-no) and gently set the book aside before grabbing Harry's face and pulling him down, kissing him deeply. Harry grinned victoriously against his mouth, but Severus found he didn't mind so much if Harry won sometimes.

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On Sunday, Severus called Draco into his office after breakfast. Draco looked awful, to his credit. Pale skin seemed almost sickly and dark circles hung beneath his silvery-gray eyes. He was frowning deeply and seemed so small as he walked into the office. Most of Severus's anger with the boy had ebbed away, though he still felt the need to say something.

"Katie Bell was sent to St. Mungo's," Severus said coolly.

"I heard," Draco said quietly.

"Do you even care? Does it matter who you have to hurt for this little project of yours?" Severus demanded, not allowing himself to get too worked up.

"I can't," Draco said, voice pleading with Severus to understand. "I have to do this! He'll…He'll hurt them! I can't…I can't let anything happen to them. To anyone I care about. They matter more."

"Do you care about Harry?" Severus asked.

"Of course," Draco said, sounding surprised.

"He could have been hurt yesterday, Draco. You are well aware of his heroic tendencies, aren't you? How easily do you think he could have gotten a hold of the necklace?" Severus demanded.

"He's not that stupid," Draco said defensively, though his gray eyes had widened in alarm. As though he, too, could imagine Harry having been the one to grab the cursed necklace without thinking. Under the right circumstances, just that could have very well happened.

"You need to be more careful," Severus said.

"I…I'll do what I can," Draco whispered.

"Your father is out," Severus then told him quietly.

"Oh," Draco said, seeming to pale and shrink further.

After lunch that day, Harry returned to his rooms irritated and concerned. He had been trying to talk to Hermione and Draco all day, very worried about them both and their strange behavior. Draco had been hiding out in his common rooms during the days, though, and seemed to disappear too easily after lunch when Harry had tried looking for him. Hermione kept denying anything was wrong and had eventually hidden from him in the girl's dormitories.

"How am I supposed to help them if they don't tell me what's wrong?" Harry grumbled, pacing the room while Severus sat patiently in his chair.

"You do not need to help everybody, Harry," Severus assured him quietly.

"They're my friends!" Harry snapped. "Ugh. I hate seeing them like this."

"They'll come around eventually," Severus said patiently. Severus was sure it wouldn't take long for Draco to calm down enough to talk to Harry about his father's release. That would surely be enough reason for Draco's recent behavior, although considering the timing, Severus was sure it had more to do with guilt and fear over what he had to do with the cursed necklace.

Harry sighed and ran his fingers through his unruly hair, making it messier. Severus watched the movement, finding the unkempt hair very attractive on Harry. Severus smirked and held back a chuckle when Harry then patted the top of his head, trying to flatten it and tame it somewhat. It never worked.

"You should sit on the couch," Harry said after a minute.

"Why?" Severus asked. "So you can bother me?"

"Well I can bother you anywhere," Harry reminded him. "But maybe I'd be less bothersome with more room."

"And encourage your unruly conduct?"

"You like it," Harry said with a grin, walking over and crawling into his lap. "We should play a game."

Severus raised an eyebrow. "What sort of game?"

"I dunno, but a game sounds good right now," Harry said with a shrug.

"Hmm…I have a chess set," Severus said thoughtfully. He had things like decks of hard, a chess set, and maybe a few other things when he did have company, to amuse Albus or Septima when they visited for a while. He hadn't played much of anything recently and rarely entertained company much. He was with a sixteen year old boy, though, and he would need to be entertained…Especially since he was around so often these days.

Harry was quiet for a minute and Severus worried for a moment as Harry frowned and rested his head on Severus's shoulder. "Ron was really good at chess," he said quietly and then let out a quiet laugh. "He always kicked my arse."

Severus had many a sarcastic comment on the tip of his tongue, but unsure if it would be received warmly, he kept quiet. After another minute Harry sat up and smiled a bit sadly. "I bet you'd kick my arse, too."

"More than likely," Severus agreed with a smirk. "I don't have much, but you may check the bottom drawer of my bedside table. I'm sure there are a few things there you might find interest in."

"Alright," Harry said and hopped up, walking into Severus's room. A few minutes later Harry called out, "Hey, what's The Brainiac Challenge?"

"For people with intelligence higher than yours," Severus replied. It was a game that tested knowledge, and not on any ridiculous pop culture matters like Trivial Pursuit. Severus had played the game many times when studying for his NEWTs.

"Thanks," Harry called back, a laugh in his voice. "We can play strip poker!"

"Not yet, Potter," Severus said, rolling his eyes. He regretted it almost the instant he said it, imagining Harry losing articles of clothing one by one until he was naked before him…And Severus would then throw him onto the couch and ravish him. Severus shifted around where he sat, trousers feeling a bit tight now.

"Is this like the Wizarding version of Monopoly? It has broomsticks on it!" Harry called out.

"That would be an intelligent assumption," Severus replied with a smirk.

"Right," Harry said and a few minutes later walked back out carrying the Monopoly game. It had been a while since he had played this game and found he didn't mind it so much. He reluctantly slid to the floor with Harry and set the game up on the coffee table, setting up the fake Galleons, Sickles, and Knuts and picking out their own players, miniature broomsticks that hovered over the board. There were "riders" you could put on the brooms to tell them apart…All four Hogwarts Houses were represented through their mascots. There were a few other options, such as miniature people or an owl, cat, toad, squid, fish, peacock, phoenix, and dragon. In true Harry fashion he plucked up the lion and stood it up on the broom while Harry took the snake and let it slither around his broom. The little lion roared at the snake who hissed back. Harry frowned.

"It's not speaking Parseltongue," Harry said. "I was going to use that against you. Damn."

"It's a toy, Potter," Severus said, rolling his eyes. "As it is, I'll kick your arse no matter what."

An hour and a half later, when Severus was proven to be right, he cheered up his loser with enough kisses to forget all about his loss

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On Monday, Albus returned midday and Severus felt anxious throughout his later classes. Finally, when classes were done, Severus headed to the headmaster's office. Albus was frowning when Severus walked in, blue eyes not holding their usual twinkle.

"I heard of what happened to Miss Katie Bell," Albus said quietly.

"Yes," Severus said. "I had a talk with Draco…I'm going to need to keep a more careful eye on him."

"Very good," Albus said with a small nod. "The Healers claim that Miss Bell will be just fine. I would rather not have any more of my students sent to St. Mungo's, though. Have a seat, Severus."

Severus sat where Albus motioned for him to and eyed the older man. There was a lot to say, many questions to ask, and he didn't know where to start. Albus, for once, seemed to also struggle with what he wanted to say.

"I promised you information today, Severus," he finally said.

"You did," Severus said, sitting up a bit straighter, waiting.

"It is very important, Severus. Something Harry cannot know just yet," Albus said. "There will come a time when Harry Potter must be told something…But you must wait until Lord Voldemort is at his most vulnerable before doing so."

"Must be told what?" Severus asked, raising his eyebrow.

"On the night Lord Voldemort went to Godric's Hollow to kill Harry, and Lily Potter cast herself between them…The curse rebounded. And when that happened, a part of Voldemort's soul cast itself into the only living thing it could find. Harry himself. There's a reason Harry can speak to snakes…a reason he can look into Voldemort's mind. A piece of Voldemort lives inside of him."

The words washed over him, but they didn't make sense. They couldn't make sense. Severus blinked and leaned back in his chair, black eyes studying Albus's grim expression. Severus could hardly stand to look at him. A piece of the Dark Lord was inside of Harry. He had to wait to tell him when the Dark Lord was at his weakest. A shock of cold seemed to hit him, like a block of ice dropping into his stomach, a feeling that chilled him to the bone. "What are you saying, Albus?" he asked quietly.

"When the time comes…Harry will have to die," Albus explained sadly.

Severus swallowed hard. He was reminded of a time many years ago, coming to Dumbledore and begging for his help. It was the night Voldemort discovered that his enemy would be the unborn son of Lily Potter, the woman Severus so loved. He remembered his desperation, wild hope that he could save her. He remembered that earth-shattering, world destroying heartbreak he had felt the moment he learned of her death. He thought of Lily Potter's dead body, lying on the floor of Harry's nursery…Dark red hair fanned out around her, vivid green eyes wide open and blank. He imagined his Harry laying beside her, staring up with that same dead gaze. His jaw clenched and unclenched and his hands grasped the arms of the chair tightly.

"So you've been keeping him alive to die at the proper moment?" Severus asked, voice low and dangerous. "Raising him like a pig for slaughter?" He felt disgusted. Shocked. Doomed. "Is there any other way?" Severus demanded, though he already knew the answer. He could feel it deep within him, the utter doom.

"I'm afraid not."

"What have you done?" hissed Severus, panic possessing him. Already he could feel his world starting to fall apart. "Pushing me into pursuing the boy only to tell me that he has to die? Am I meant to lose every person I love, Albus? What sort of sick punishment is this? I thought I was already paying for my sins, I had no idea you felt the need to penalize me further. Yet another penance to pay for my dark past," he spat.

"This isn't to punish you, my boy," Albus said. "Severus, you already loved him. Whether you pursued a relationship with him or not, his death would have still affected you," he explained and Severus glanced away shamefully, knowing it was the truth. "I merely hoped for you to experience some happiness in your life, my boy. Even if it must inevitably end, there is still hope for you both to have some joy and love in your lives. You cannot hide from happiness simply because it will end…because sadness will follow it. You mustn't play safe all of the time…His death will hurt you, yes, but you will have memories to cherish. Moments to look back upon with fondness and love." Albus fell silent for a few seconds before continuing. "You have always been pessimistic about your own fate, Severus. You don't even expect to survive this war, do you?"

Albus had a point. Severus had always doubted the chances of his survival…And now, more than ever, he wanted that very thing less than he ever had. What could would survival be when his future was gone? Severus wasn't even sure he could survive the death of someone else he loved so deeply. Already, the very knowledge of what was to come…he could feel it destroying him.

"Is that all, headmaster?" he asked, voice dull.

"Severus…" Albus said patiently.

"No," Severus said. "I do not want to sit here and discuss my feelings and deal with you defending your actions. Nothing you can say will have me forgive you for this."

When Albus said nothing for a while, Severus finally allowed himself to stand, moving across the room, feeling himself steadily becoming numb. Numbness was better than anything else.

He spent his whole life surviving…He learned how to keep himself safe from the emotional and physical abuse of his father. He learned how to survive the humiliations and the hurt brought upon by bullying at school. He learned how to survive among Death Eaters and as a spy and he kept himself safe, never allowing himself to become close to many people.

Even now, he knew what he had to do to keep himself safe. He had to push Harry away and do everything in his power to make his death easier on himself. Somehow, though, he knew he wouldn't. Couldn't do that to Harry. Albus's words rang out in his head…He wanted them both to be happy and have love. Albus wanted it for Harry, too. Severus wanted it for him, too…Wanted the last year or more of his life to be wonderful…to be filled with nothing but the best he could provide for him and leave him wanting for nothing. He couldn't hurt Harry again. He couldn't abandon him now, even to save himself.

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Lost and Damned