All That You Leave Behind

41



Morning came. And with it a troll sized hangover.



Harry rolled off his bed, groaning, wishing to heaven that the room would stop spinning. He staggered into his bathroom and peered blearily at himself in the mirror. Neatly taped to the glass was a message in Severus’ neat handwriting. Seeing it made the previous night rush back…



Two minutes later, his stomach empty, Harry clutched at the cool porcelain of the toilet bowl and tried to stop the sickening swirling in his mind.



It’s not like I really cheated on Ginny. Is it? I mean...it was just a kiss....or two. Erm.......maybe a little more than a kiss, but.......it\'s not like we slept together! No. I didn\'t cheat. I love her. And she knows I love Severus. She doesn\'t mind when we hug. A kiss isn\'t that different. Right? It\'s not like this would ever go any further. Even if I....No! It will not. I love Ginny. I would never cheat on her! I didn\'t cheat on her. I didn\'t, and I never will.



It was only a kiss, nothing else. It’s not like we slept together or anything.



And we’re not going to.



Having calmed the guilt twisting his already troubled stomach, he struggled to his feet and saw again the message.



Harry,



I imagine you are feeling quite delicate this morning. I left a Hang-Over Cure on the mantelpiece near your bed. Sip it, don’t gulp.



Severus



A rush of warmth and affection for the older man raced through Harry. It was typical of him to have considered Harry’s well being.



It took Harry nearly a minute to work up the energy to push off from the sink and stagger to the bedroom and the potion awaiting him there.



Nearly stumbling on his own feet, Harry made a grab for the shelf, fingers just catching it, but he managed to smack his head on the wood.



“Fucking retarded bastard thing!” he shouted and instantly regretted it.



He rubbed the dent in his forehead where the wood had connected with his already throbbing head and reached for the small bottle. A quantity of silver blue liquid swirled within. It looked appealing to Harry’s queasy body. He made it to the bed and slumped on it before he uncorked the bottle and began sipping the fluid.



It tasted vaguely of mint and began to instantly soothe his delicate stomach and sore head.



Sadly it didn’t make his memory of the previous night diminish. Harry still felt incredibly stupid when he considered the plan he had attempted. What had he been thinking? Still, the kissing had been…



Spectacular? Superb? Amazing? Perfect?



Harry blushed as he remembered the slick pressure of Severus’ tongue on his. He felt a tingle in his chest where his nipples had been touched, and …



God, I’m hard again! This has got to stop!



He resolutely ignored his erection as he dressed and readied himself for the day. Finally, after mentally and physically squaring his shoulders he opened the door and went down to the living room.



Severus sat on a sofa, newspaper open, and he seemed, from what Harry could make out from a man’s posture, to be scowling.



Some subtle sound must have alerted Severus to Harry’s presence, or maybe they were that attuned to each other. His head snapped around, eyes seeming to scour Harry deeply.



Harry blushed but took a shaky step forward. He was seeing again the night before, feeling how Severus had felt pressing between his legs. His dick twitched in his pants at the sight of the man he loved. Wait! What?! Man I love? I mean....I do love him.....but.......I do… love him........oh fuck!!



Ohmygod, ohmygod, ohmygod!! he thought frantically, the events from the night before hitting him with full force.



His next thought was to run, hide, anything rather than face up to what he\'d done. The things he\'d said. I told him I enjoyed it! his mind screamed. I told him I wanted it!



We were rubbing our cocks together! There was hysterical quality to Harry\'s thoughts by now. Oh fuck he wailed inside, closing his eyes. Not to mention the ass you made of yourself with the polyjuice that nasty little inside voice prodded. What the fuck were you thinking!



And you said you were going to be adult the voice continued to mock.



Harry felt the urge to retreat growing in him. He even half turned away, but something made him stop. He suddenly realised Severus was staring at him with puzzled amusement and concern and imagined the picture he presented, standing there with his dick hard and a stupid look on his face.



"Harry," Severus said softly, letting the paper drop into his lap.



Feeling oddly as though he were about to cry, Harry shook his head, trying to deny the emotions he saw in Sev’s face.



“We need to talk, Harry.”



“About what? About how you’ve made me feel things I have no business feeling? How you’ve made me gay like you? How you’re trying to have me for yourself?!” Harry was screaming, unable to hold back all of the tension and confusion and guilt and self-loathing he felt.



“I want you out of our house!” He shouted, tears standing in his eyes.



Severus neatly folded the paper and stood up. “If that is what you wish,” he said evenly, even as his heart shattered. He began to move past Harry but the other grabbed at his arm, a sob in his throat.



“NO! No! You can’t just leave me! You can’t leave me like this! I…I don’t know what to do Sev! Help me! Oh, god, help me!” He sobbed then, bitter tears of pain and longing and need.



Severus let the other cling to him as he wept.



"Harry, Harry," Severus soothed, embracing the boy. "It\'s alright. It\'s alright. Come sit down and we\'ll talk about this."



He hugged Harry tightly, feeling the younger man clinging to him desperately. They settled on the sofa, Harry huddled into Severus’ arms.



"This....thing...between us, it won\'t go away just because you want it to. Part of being a grown up is facing unpleasantness, and this is obviously unpleasant for you...."



"Isn\'t it for you?!" Harry burst out belligerently, pushing away from the older man.



What happened between us was not unpleasant for me, no," Severus said calmly, "however, seeing you this way is. I want us to talk about this, Harry, calmly and as adults."



"But how can you be calm?!" Harry wailed, "There\'s nothing calm about this! Don\'t you get that?! I\'m thinking about cheating on my wife!"



All at once Harry stopped, shocked at his own admission. He pulled further away from the other man, eyes wide, mouth open in astonishment, and stared.



"You do want this," Severus said softly, damningly "just as I have, for a very long time now. That is why, despite the guilt we are both feeling, I cannot say it was unpleasant."



Harry felt the tears threatening again. This was so confusing!



"B-but...Ginny....." Harry whispered, "what about Ginny?"



"It is possible to love more than one person, Harry," Severus said, pushing the guilt he felt trying to take root aside, "you love Ginny, yes....but I think you also love me."



"And how can it be wrong to want to be with someone you love?" he added. He knew he was being manipulative, but he wanted Harry to admit to his feelings.



He knew it was true. Harry did love him. And Severus had waited so long.



So very long. All he wanted in this moment was for Harry to face up to the truth, to admit his feelings. Although sex would be lovely, and was very much hoped for, it wasn\'t his chief motivation. Severus wanted more for Harry to face facts so that they could live with the situation they were in - live with the feelings that bound them together.



Harry looked at the older man, the man he loved, it was true, he did love him. He thought about what Severus had said last night, and what he himself had said he\'d do. Be a man. A grown up. An adult. Drawing strength, and a deep breath, Harry looked Severus, Sev, in the eye and said, "You\'re right, Sev. I do love you. And what we did last night wasn\'t unpleasant for me either. I wanted it, just as much as you did, and deep inside, I\'m not sorry for what happened." Harry paused and drew in another breath. "But....even if I want it....I don\'t know if I can do this. I love you, but I love Ginny too, and I\'m married to her, she trusts me, so.......yes, I love you, yes, I want you....at least I want to kiss you, but.........that\'s all I can say right now."



Severus looked into the beloved emerald eyes and knew not to try and push the boy farther. Harry had done what he\'d wanted, admitted his feelings, and no matter how much more he wanted to hear other things fall from those lips he craved, pushing him for more right now would only frighten him away.



"Thank you for telling me this, Harry," Severus said, pulling the boy close again. "Thank you for being man enough to admit to your feelings. And I will admit to mine. I love you and I want you, but where it goes from here is up to you. All I really want is for you to be happy. This is a difficult situation for you, and I want you to make a decision you are happy with."



Harry smiled softly and leaned forward for a kiss. He was surprised when Severus pulled away from him. Confused he asked, “Won’t you…?”



"No, Harry, I don\'t think that would be a smart thing to do. Not when I want you so very much." Severus retreated to his suite, leaving Harry alone with his words ringing through his head while he waited for Ginny\'s return.



Ginny Harry thought if you only knew what I just did.......I\'m so confused.......I wish I could talk to you about this......but how can I talk to you about this?! How do I tell you that although I love and want you, I also love and want another man?! Would you understand? How could you? How could you possibly understand when I don\'t understand it myself?



How did this happen?! How could I ever have seen this coming?! I love Severus.....I want Severus.....another man........just like I love and want you, Ginny! I thought with you by my side, my wife, our son, our family, my life was perfect! How the hell did my perfect life get so fucked up?! How?! I want so badly to talk to you about this, Ginny. I always talk to you about stuff!



How do I tell you, my precious wife, that I want to cheat on you and fuck a man?! That I want to break your heart and your trust and everything we have together so that I can love and fuck another man and not lose you?!



How do I tell you that I\'m not sure I can stop myself?