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Lost and Damned	By : danniperson Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male > Harry/Snape Views: 24087 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, the characters or the world or anything, and I make absolutely no profit from this.

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LOST AND DAMNED

Right Here With You Is Where I'll Stay

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After meeting with Albus, Severus cancelled his lesson with Harry and changed the password to his rooms. He didn't think he could bear being near him that night. Not after learning that the young man he loved was doomed to die. He was tempted to take off for a few days, but he reminded himself that he couldn't hurt Harry anymore and could not have the boy thinking he was backing out of this again. He drank his brandy that night, trying to drown out his sorrows, and woke up with a massive hangover that was easily cured with a potion. He wondered later that day, standing at the front of class with his sixth year Slytherin and Gryffindor class, if he should have just kept the blasted hangover. Maybe the physical pain would have distracted from the emotional pain that hit him hard the moment Harry walked into the room. Green eyes kept casting him nervous looks, though Granger elbowed Harry until he finally got his head straight on and was more discreet with his looking. As he walked by the class, he inconspicuously dropped a small strip of parchment in front of Harry, a note he had quickly scribbled before class.

I'm fine. I only had matters that needed attending. My password has returned to normal and we will resume lessons tonight.

Harry seemed more at ease after that and it made Severus feel a bit better. He threw himself into his lessons and probably handed out more detentions and took more points than necessary. It kept his mind off of unpleasant things, however, and made him feel better. The other Heads of Houses all stopped him at various points throughout the day to comment on it and Severus could only tell them to keep a better handle on their dunderheaded students. All too soon the day had ended and Severus waited in his rooms, trying to focus on reading The Crime of Easton while he waited for Harry to show up, but found himself staring at the same page for several minutes the time the door finally opened.

"Hey," Harry said. "I hear you've been in a mood today."

"Hmm," Severus said, grabbing his bookmark to mark his page before setting the book aside and standing up. With a simple wave of his wand the furniture took their usual positions by the wall and he turned his wand to Harry.

"Wait!" he said quickly, before Severus could say the word. "What's wrong?"

"It's nothing," Severus lied. "We need to focus on your lessons, Harry."

Harry's eyes narrowed. "Did I do something? S'like no one trusts me enough to say anything to me anymore," he grumbled, pulling out his wand.

"Not everything is about you, Potter," Severus said coldly, even if in this case it was about him. "Stop feeling sorry for yourself and just respect that not everything is your business."

Harry's green eyes flashed angrily and Severus mentally scolded himself. The last thing he wanted to do was upset Harry, but his defenses were up and it was going to be hard to get himself to calm down and play nice. Instead of letting Harry say anything that might start an argument, Severus said, "Legilimens!"

Briefly he saw the flash of a memory of Black and Lupin sitting at the dining room table at Number 12 Grimmauld Place. Like Harry had done before, though, he used another memory to shove forward in its place. The image twisted into what could only be one of Harry's fantasies. They were practicing Defense and Harry managed to knock Severus over onto his back and proceeded to fall to his knees, crawling over the older man and kissing him deeply. Severus knew he needed to pull out, but he allowed himself to watch a moment as Harry began pushing away his robes and unbuttoning his shirt and his pants, kissing a trail down his neck and chest and lower as he began tugging at Severus's trousers.

Before it could get too far, Severus pulled out and glowered at Harry who was smirking slyly. That smiled faded instantly the moment he saw Severus.

"I must admit, I am very disappointed, Potter. I had hoped you might take these lessons more seriously. I had hoped that if anything good would come of your best friend's death that it might be you would see this all a bit more seriously. However, as I can see, this is only some little game for you to play in continued failed attempts to seduce me. If you have no intentions of actually improving your skill, Potter, get out," Severus snarled.

"I was trying to cheer you up, you git," Harry snapped, eyes blazing with anger and wet with unshed tears. "You don't have the right to bring up…what happened to Ron…like that. You don't have to be such a fucking arse about everything! I know it's such a hard concept, but really."

Severus bit his tongue and took a deep breath. Being a jerk was easy. Especially now…Especially when there was so much at stake. Pushing Harry away and hoping to salvage some of himself by the end was a strong idea in his mind. It was a struggle to calm himself down and not let himself go too far. "There is a time for play, P…Harry…and a time to work. The Dark Lord is growing in power and the last thing you need is for him to have power over you. I have to be hard on you, Harry, because you needthis. I am willing to give us a chance, Harry, but I will not do so if you continue messing around in your lessons…In fact, you won't even have lessons if you can't take them seriously enough."

"I am taking them seriously! I've been doing so much better!" Harry snapped. "You're just in a rotten mood and you're taking it out on me!"

"Are you serious about this or not, Potter?" Severus demanded.

"Yes!" Harry practically shouted. "Just get on with it, then! I won't disturb you anymore."

Severus plunged into Harry's mind easily. Harry was far too angry to raise any sort of real defenses, frustrating Severus further. What was even the bloody point of all of this, if the boy was just going to have to die in the end? Why bother? Oh, right, because he had to die at the right moment. Just thinking of it all angered Severus further. Anger was easier to deal with than the pain he did his damnedest to ignore. He hardly paid attention to the memories flowing through Harry's mind…Black and Lupin, Draco and Granger, Katie Bell…After a while he finally pulled out, watching as Harry stumbled backwards and caught himself on the wall, glowering at Severus with more fury than he had seen in a long time from those bright green eyes.

"You have to do better than that," Severus said, forcing his voice to remain calm. "Control your emotions, Potter. Do you think it will be easy when the Dark Lord is trying to dig through that miniscule brain of yours? Do you think he will wait until you are prepared…wait until you are calm and focused? No! Be angry, Harry, but do not let it rule you."

A knowing look lit up Harry's eyes and it took Severus a moment to understand it. Harry thought Severus was doing all of this on purpose…Making him mad to teach a lesson. Honestly, Severus hadn't intended it to seem that way or to be that way, but he was a bit relieved by it. He was already screwing up his own intentions of making Harry happy by blowing up at him, his own panic and fear and pain and anger overruling him more than it ever had. At least this offered a good excuse for his actions…He very well couldn't tell Harry that he had to die in the end. It was too soon, Severus thought bitterly.

"Legilimens!"

For over an hour, Severus pushed Harry. They practiced Occlumency over and over and over again, Severus too afraid to stop and have to face Harry and deal with him in a more casual setting. Harry made very little progress, but was eventually too exhausted to go on. Finally showing some mercy, Severus walked over to grab Harry before he could completely collapse in his state and waved his wand so that his furniture moved back into place.

Harry struggled to stand on his own two feet…Severus could feel it in the way the body against him moved, muscles shifting and twisting, trying to be stronger. Harry was too tired, though, and Severus didn't blame him. Having ones mind attacked repeatedly for so long and in such an emotional state did not leave a person in the best of positions. "Relax, Harry," Severus said quietly and helped the younger man over to the couch. It was difficult to sit gracefully while supporting Harry, so he let himself plop down onto the couch, maneuvering Harry so that he could lay down against him, shifting his body around into a position that would be comfortable for them both. Despite his normal discomfort with such affectionate gestures or words, he held Harry closely to him without fear, holding him tightly, never wanting to let him go.

Exactly when it had happened, Severus didn't know. But sometime last year he had fallen in love with the brat in his arms…and Severus hated him for it. Loving Harry went against every belief he had, every desire he held. He had kept many reasons in mind as to why pursuing a relationship with Harry would be wrong, but it was so much more than a strong moral code. Severus never wanted to love again, period. He closed himself off, never wanting to let anyone in. He had been hurt enough by love in the past, and it seemed that such heartbreak was now in his future. There was no turning back…He was going to get hurt, no matter what he did now. Because he loved Harry, and Severus knew that nothing would change that. No matter how annoying or frustrating or reckless the man could be.

Severus shifted again, leaning back further into the arm of the couch, stretching his legs out a bit more as he held Harry firmly to his chest, burying his face in the thick, messy black hair. He inhaled the scent deeply and pressed a small kiss against his head. Harry was going to die. Maybe in a year…Maybe in two years…Maybe more, maybe less…But it wouldn't be very long. They couldn't afford to let the Dark Lord carry on for so long and honestly one of the two parties would break soon enough. There wasn't much time for him…And it wasn't fair. Harry was so young, had so much promise and so much life in him. Looking at him and holding him it was almost impossible to see it. He didn't want to see it, that one image he had of Lily and Harry in Albus's office had been enough for one lifetime.

He was helping train the man he loved to fight in a war that would kill him. Building him up to do what the world needed him to do and he would pay the ultimate price for it. And Severus was lending hand to that. The thought made him feel awful. Severus swallowed hard, feeling his eyes sting with tears he hadn't shed in many, many years. He blinked them away the best he could, struggling not to break down. Pain overwhelmed him, so deep in his heart and mind and in the pit of his stomach and piercing to his very soul. Harry wasn't even gone yet, and the pain of his loss was already consuming him.

Severus couldn't let it. He didn't want to let it. He hated being so weak, so controlled by emotions. He had to make things good, though…For Harry. Severus could hardly fathom how he could make anyone happy, let alone Harry. And yet Harry needed him. Harry loved him. It didn't make much sense, but it was the truth and Severus was going to have to do something…

"Mmm," Harry grunted and Severus reluctantly loosened his grip on Harry to allow him to move, struggling to sit up, though he remained sitting close to Severus. Severus moved himself accordingly to accommodate Harry's new position. "I hate being that weak."

"You are not weak," Severus said. "You merely need more practice. I am aware it's a bit hard on you, but it is for the best. You need to be trained hard. Everything is going to have to be harder now."

"Yeah, I understand," Harry said. "I don't like it, but…I get it. It's not going to be easy out there."

"No, it's not," Severus said.

Harry sighed and scratched his head. "You could at least tell me the next time you're going to be an arse for my benefit," he said teasingly.

"I've always been an arse for your benefit," Severus replied smoothly. "But having you know about it defeats the purpose entirely."

Harry laughed tiredly and sank down into the cushions, propping his feet up on the coffee table. Severus raised his eyebrow. Snorting, Harry put his feet back down and struggled for a minute removing his shoes, putting the toe of one against the back of the other and shoving down until it came off before repeating the process again. Harry then put his socked feet on the coffee table and Severus just shook his head. "You are becoming entirely too comfortable."

"M'not that comf…ortable," he said, yawning in the middle of the last word. "M'hungry, though."

"Dinner wasn't even two hours ago," Severus commented.

"Yeah, well, s'what happens when you wear out a guy. He gets hungry," Harry said. "So whenever we start having sex, you should always have food around," he said with a lazy grin.

"What makes you think we're ever going to have sex, Potter?" Severus asked, trying to hide his amusement.

Harry snorted. "We're men. Men like sex."

"Men do enjoy sex. However, men are capable of self restraint and ignoring their carnal urges," Severus assured him.

"You make carnal urges sound so sexy," Harry told him. "Course I'm pretty sure you could make History of Magic sound sexy."

Severus smirked, recalling a conversation he remembered seeing in Harry's memories, Harry talking about how much he enjoyed Severus's voice. "Hmm. Shall we study, then?"

"No!" Harry said quickly. "We could have sex, though."

"You would probably pass out before I could even get you undressed," Severus remarked as Harry stifled another yawn.

"Would not," Harry muttered. "M'still hungry, though."

Severus's mind flickered to the idea of oral sex, but bit his tongue before he could make the suggestion. Clearing his throat he instead called for one of the Hogwarts house elves, Pippy, and ordered a tray of treacle tarts, a bowl of ice cream, and a bowl of blackberries and cherries.

"Mmm…I like treacle tarts," Harry commented quietly, seeming a bit more awake now that the prospect of food was in his head.

"I am well aware of that," Severus said without really thinking about it.

Harry grinned and leaned over to bump his shoulder against Severus. "Aww. Look at you being all thoughtful and romantic."

"I hardly call ordering your favorite dessert to shut you up about your hunger romantic," Severus spat, feeling increasingly uncomfortable.

"I never said they were my favorite," Harry said, grin growing.

"Well, are they?" Severus snapped.

"Yep," Harry said, laughing. "Calm down, you're acting like I insulting you."

"You might as well have," Severus sniffed, holding back a smile as Harry laughed more.

Pippy returned a few minutes later with a tray full of food (more than they needed, probably) and placed it on the coffee table for them. They ate in silence for a few minutes, Harry dipping his treacle tarts in the vanilla ice cream and Severus popping his fruit into his mouth. A few minutes later found Harry offering Severus bites of his dessert and Severus allowing himself a game of tossing cherries into Harry's mouth and ordering him to eat them off of the floor like a dog if he dropped any. A few minutes after that they ended up sharing a bowl filled with ice cream, treacle tarts, and blackberries and cherries all mixed together.

"Okay, so I think I have a new favorite dessert now," Harry said, scooping the last bit of melted ice cream that he could onto his spoon and shoving it into his mouth.

Severus said nothing, but found himself secretly agreeing.

"Oh, you have something right there," Harry said, pointing to his mouth. Severus frowned. He liked to think himself a rather clean person, but it wasn't always easy to remain neat when eating something as sticky and messy as ice cream. He went to grab one of the napkins Pippy had put on the tray, but before he could wipe his mouth, Harry leaned in, green eyes flashing playfully as he licked the area all around Severus's mouth. "There we go," he said quietly, not pulling too far from Severus. "What about me?"

"You probably need a shower more than anything," Severus commented teasingly, flicking out his tongue to swipe across the tip of Harry's nose that glistened. Harry seemed surprised and Severus chuckled. "I suppose I'll have to teach you how to eat properly, as well," Severus whispered, leaning down to lick the sticky ice cream from Harry's chin.

"But that would ruin the fun," Harry said quietly and Severus smirked licking at his jaw and his cheek and anywhere else he saw Harry had managed to get ice cream before finally trailing the tip of his tongue around Harry's lips and ended by teasingly swiping it across his full, red lips. He meant to pull away after that, to make it harder on the younger man, but couldn't resist capturing those lips within his own, kissing him deeply, all thoughts of death and heartache forgotten in the taste of ice cream, cherries, blackberries and treacle tarts.

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"…and then he snogged me senseless for a few minutes and then sent me to bed…Just out of no where. Like nothing was even happening. He drives me crazy, I swear," Harry was saying, wearing a broad grin.

It was Wednesday afternoon and he was sitting outside with Hermione and Draco. They were out by the lake, sitting under a tree doing homework…Or had been until Harry launched into his story of what had taken place last night with Severus.

"I'm straight and all, but I've got to say, Potter, that was kind of hot," Draco said, grinning, as well. "I can't believe he didn't shag you, though. Kind of disappointing."

"He's probably just trying to keep some sort of distance…Keep one line he hasn't crossed," Hermione said wisely. "He did make a big deal about Harry being under-aged and their teacher-student relationship, you know."

"Breaking the rules is half the fun," Draco insisted.

"I'm not that worried about it," Harry said honestly. "I would like to have sex. I'm a sixteen year old guy, of course I want sex," Harry said firmly when Hermione sent him an irritated look. "But I'm not going to push the issue. As long as he keeps kissing me like that, it's okay."

"Or you could just show up and lay in his bed naked and cover yourself in chocolate or something," Draco suggested. "They say the way to a man's heart is through his stomach…But if you play it right, I could lead you right into his pants."

"Draco!" Hermione exclaimed, cheeks turning pink and she slapped her hand over her mouth, though the twinkling in her chocolate brown eyes told she was grinning beneath her palm.

"What?" Draco said with a grin. "You heard what their little snack did to them. I'm sure he couldn't resist a Harry pie…Okay, that sounds kind of gross," Draco amended, tapping his lips. "Though with a name like Harry, it's hard to make any food sound good."

"Thanks," Harry said, rolling his eyes.

"I do think it was sweet that he knew your favorite dessert, though," Hermione said with a smile, finally dropping her hand from her mouth.

"Severus isn't always good with expressing emotion, but he can surprise you like that," Draco said. "He pays attention to things."

"I think it's romantic," Hermione said.

Harry laughed, forgetting to tell them about their little "argument" over the use of the word romantic. "Try telling him that," Harry smiled.

"Oh, you didn't," Draco laughed. "I'm sure that went over well. He doesn't like the idea of his 'big, scary monster' reputation being diminished."

"Of course not," Harry snorted. "So, how have your 'conquests' been coming along?"

Draco liked talking about sex. He liked hearing about other people's sex lives, he liked encouraging people to have sex lives, he liked talking about his own sex life, and he loved joking about sex. Harry remembered last year, many conversations had about the girls he had snogged and the few he had gone a bit further with. So when Draco didn't immediately launch into a story about fingering Daphne Greengrass or Tracey Davis's latest blow job, he knew something was wrong. Draco just sort of sat there, looking mildly uncomfortable before clearing his throat and holding his head high despite a small pink tinge in his cheeks.

"None, lately," Draco admitted. "I…think I might like someone. So I haven't really been focusing on other girls."

That surprised Harry. Honestly, he didn't think Draco was the kind to ever really have feelings for anyone. "Who-?" Harry began, but was interrupted when Hermione abruptly stood up. "Oh gosh, I'm going to be late f-…Sorry, I'll see you later. Bye!" she said, grabbing her bag and darting off back to the castle.

"What?" Harry said, watching her run a bit confused and he quickly checked the time. "She doesn't have class for another hour," Harry said.

"Something must have upset her…You should go see if you can help," Draco said, standing up and walking off as well. He himself seemed a bit eager to get away, though Harry didn't think about that until a bit later. Feeling slightly confused, Harry shook his head and gathered his own things, heading back up to the castle and heading up to Gryffindor Tower.

Ginny walked up to him almost the moment he entered. "Something's wrong with Hermione."

"What happened?" Harry asked.

"I don't know," Ginny said, frowning. "She just sort of ran up to the girls' dormitories and she's just been in bed ever since. Lavender says she thinks she's crying, but she won't really talk to anyone."

Harry just sighed and walked with Ginny over to the couch, sitting down. "I dunno what happened. We were doing homework outside with Draco and out of no where she just gets up and runs off."

Ginny got a very suspicious look in her bright brown eyes that made Harry feel uneasy. "What were you talking about?"

"Quidditch," Harry lied immediately, not really sure at first why. It wasn't until a few minutes later that he really started thinking about it. They had been talking about Draco's sex life at the time. Hermione didn't have a crush on Draco, did she? That was just strange, Harry thought. No…It was more likely she was just thinking of Ron again and the subject of people's love lives was just making her more upset. That made more sense, he comforted himself.

The rest of the afternoon, Harry found himself spending time discussing the Quidditch season coming up and the tryouts for the team he would be holding the next day. He played a few games of Exploding Snap with Ginny and Demelza then watched the girls try to build a house of cards with them, both managing to duck away just in time to avoid being hit by an explosion. Romilda came out to flirt with him for a bit, but was saved from her getting too close when Ginny suddenly dragged him off to dinner.

Hermione joined them after a while, though she was quiet and pretending to read a book while she ate. Harry could tell she was pretending when the pages never turned and her eyes stared at the same place or looked off in the distance.

When the first students began leaving the hall and she figured it was safe, Hermione stood. Harry immediately dropped his fork and leaned in to Ginny. "I'll go talk to her," he said and hopped up, following her out into the corridor. "Hey, wait up!" he called after her, though she didn't stop. He finally grabbed her arm and managed to pull her aside on the second floor. "Hermione, what's going on?"

"Let me go, Harry!" Hermione hissed and he quickly dropped her arm and raised his hands. Hermione sighed and shook her head. "I'm so sorry, Harry, I just…Ugh. I hate this!"

"Hate what? What's going on, Mione?" Harry asked quietly.

"I…" she began, looking flustered. "Oh, Harry, I feel so awful! I just…I think I like Draco and…And how horrible is that? That…that…ferret is replacing Ron!"

Harry blinked in surprise. "What?"

"Haven't you heard people talking, Harry?" Hermione demanded. "They're calling us 'the new trio'…you, me, and him!" she exclaimed. "And I…he has! He's replaced Ron! He's your new best friend and I've started to be his friend and now I might have feelings for him and…It's not right, Harry!" she said and he was horrified to see her eyes wet with tears.

"Mione…" Harry said quietly, reaching out to hold her but she stepped back and held out her hands to stop him.

"No, Harry!" Hermione said stiffly, standing tall. "No. I'm fine. I just…I just think that I don't need to be around Dra-Malfoy for a while. Ron should be here, Harry. Not him."

With that, Hermione spun around and walked off swiftly, leaving Harry to stare after her in shocked confusion.

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I have 62 chapters, I believe, posted on ff.net. Anyway I decided to post on here again for those who were reading it...So hopefully I can get the rest of the chapters copied and pasted by tonight.
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Lost and Damned