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Struggling Through New Beginnings	By : HarryGinny4eva Category: Harry Potter > Het - Male/Female > Draco/Hermione Views: 31233 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 1
Disclaimer: Spoilers - I do not own Harry Potter, nor any of the characters from the books or movies. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 42
- 43
- 44
Chapter 44

From the previous chapter:

�I don�t like you. I don�t trust you. But, as far back as I can remember I have
never really hated you. I know hate, Malfoy, and I simply don�t feel it towards
you. I am truly sorry for almost killing you with that spell sixth year. But, I
guess my secret is this. I don�t hate you, Malfoy, and now that I reluctantly
know you better, I know that in another life, under different circumstances,
the very things that piss me off about you are the same things that would have
made us friends.�

�I don�t hate you either, Potter, there�s even a small part of me that actually
admires some of the things you�ve done. I�ve spent far too much of my time this
year trying to figure out why we�re the only two who can�t seem to get along.
What I have come to realize, my secret if you will, is that I hate the feeling
of knowing that my entire life might have been different if you had only taken
my hand that first day of school and I may never be able to forgive you for not
doing so.�

�I think I�ve always hated you because you were everything I wanted so much to
love and couldn�t have.�

�A part of me has always wondered what my life would have been like had I been
born into a magical family.�

�I�m scared to death of her father and have cried over the thought that he
won�t let her marry me.�

�I think I may be pregnant.�

�I�m a virgin and I want you to be my first.�

�I plan to wait until marriage to have sex.�

�I sometimes wish I didn�t have a twin so people would try harder to get to know
me alone and not always thinking of me as part of a set.�

�I want to find love and have someone treat me like a normal person, not an ex-Deatheater or a big lump of stupid.�

�Nargles are real.�

xxxxxx

Parvati blushed a little at her confession and
wondered how Dean would reciprocate.

�Well, I am sure that�s normal. I would bet Padma �s
over there saying something similar,� he smiled gently at her.

�Thanks,� she smiled in appreciation. �Your turn.�

Dean closed his eyes and tried to think of a secret other than the one bouncing
around his brain. That one was so very personal; so his own, that he didn�t
think he even trusted the Fidelus to protect it. He�d
denied it for over a year and then when that hadn�t worked, simply tried to
ignore it. He knew without a doubt it was a lost cause. But, no matter what he
did, it was there, looming over him, making his heart ache.

He finally found a secret he didn�t mind sharing and opened his eyes with a
smile. He didn�t mind telling how he and Seamus had managed to sneak into
Dumbledore�s office fourth year and nicked sweets. Besides, if the charm didn�t
work, it was really too late for retribution and it was kind of funny. With a
satisfied grin he performed the charm and leaned in to the witch beside him.

�I�ve been in love with Ginny since fourth year and even knowing she�s happy
with Harry, a bloke I love like a brother, it breaks my heart to know I will
never have her again. I want her to look at me like she does him. I miss her so
much it aches. Just one more kiss and I��

It took a long moment and the vision of Parvati�s shocked face for the sound of
his own voice to reach his horrified ears. �No, that�s not what I meant to
say!�

Parvati smiled sadly at him, �It�s okay, Dean, I won�t
say a word. But, I�oh Merlin, Dean, I am so sorry.�

His head lowered in confusion and pain as he joked, �A little more than you
were banking on hearing, I guess.� When she just continued to smile sadly at
him, he wondered aloud, �I don�t even know why I said it. I�ve never told
anyone.�

�I won�t tell anyone,� she assured him. �And, maybe it�s for the best. I mean,
now that you�ve finally gotten it out, maybe you can start to move on. You�re a
great guy, Dean and an accomplished wizard. Some lucky witch is probably
waiting to snap you right up.�

His eyes moved across the room to the face of his secret love and he muttered,
�Yeah, right.�

Parvati followed his eyes and sighed, her heart breaking a bit for him. He was
a beautiful person inside and out. His soulful dark brown eyes could melt the
stoniest heart, and his deep laugh was infectious. He deserved happiness.

�Dean, look at me.� When he did she smiled encouragingly, �Trust me when I say,
the right woman is out there. When you let her find you, she won�t ever let you
go. After this year I can honestly say love comes when you least expect it, and
often with someone you never even knew existed. When you find her, what you
feel for Ginny will pale in comparison, I promise you.�

xxxxxx

Theo felt the magic flowing through him and trembled, but as he watched Ginny
do the same, he wondered if it was from the spell or her confession. He knew
his surprise was evident on his face as he sent a startled glance over at
Harry.

�He doesn�t know,� Ginny whispered in anguish. �I�m not even completely sure,
yet, not really. I�m afraid to do the test, but seeing as how Mom was and there
are seven of us�Oh, gods, why would I tell you such a thing?!�

He shook his head as if to clear it, as he shrugged slightly. It was then he
noticed they had clasped hands and he tightened his grip on the frightened
witch.

�Ginny, not only because of the spell, but because it is not something to be
gossiped about, your secret is safe with me.�

Tears flowed from her eyes as she nodded in acceptance and her lips trembled as
she spoke. �We�ve not really talked about ma�mar�marriage, he and I. Not
really. What if I�ve ruined everything now?�

�He loves you, Ginny. Things will work out,� he assured her, even though
he wondered if he was lying to her. �Let�s not forget, he was there, too. It�s
not all your fault.�

She smiled tremulously and wiped at her tears with her sleeves. Then she blew
out a breath and squeezed his hand back, �Vati is lucky to have found you, Theo;
you�re an amazing man. You two are meant to be. Her father won�t be able to
stand in your way.�

xxxxxx

Hermione stared blankly at Blaise as their secrets settled over them, the
affect of the spell shimmering around them. Each was unsure if they were more
shocked by their own words or the confession of the person across from them.

As expected, Hermione breached the growing silence, her voice barely above a
whisper, �You wanted me?�

Blaise, his innermost secret now laid bare, winced
hearing the words from her lips. But, something compelled him to give a pained
nod. Then, without his permission, his mouth continued to spill his thoughts.

�At first I thought it was some sort of jinx, I mean, I couldn�t be attracted
to you; no way, no how. I searched for the culprit, but found no one. I even
followed you for a while thinking you had done something; were putting
something in my food or drink.�

When she looked affronted he shrugged, �Sorry, but nothing else made sense. I
didn�t like you. You were everything you shouldn�t have been, damned near
perfect in every way, and you didn�t even have the decency to be sorry about
it. But, as it continued, I knew it for what it was and stamped it down. There
was no way I could let anyone, including myself, know I was attracted to a
mud�muggleborn witch, especially not you of all the witches in the world. But,
by the end of sixth year, I knew it was real and not dissipating. That was when
I started to join Draco in his taunts of you and the others. Somehow in my
twisted thinking, if I could make you hate me more, then I would start to hate
you again, as I should�ve.�

Hermione blinked owlishly at him in her shock, for once, at a loss for words.

�I know it doesn�t make any sense, but the more I wanted you, the more cruel I was to you, until finally I started to believe my
own craziness. Then the war came and I didn�t have to see you anymore. I
thought I was finally free of whatever pull you had on
me. But, no, I walked back in these doors, saw you and it all flooded back. Merlin, Granger.�

�But, but,� she stuttered in confusion, �You�ve been so hateful, so
angry, I don�t understand.�

He leaned close and growled, partly in anger, partly in frustration, �Do you
think I wanted to feel this? You have no idea the shame, the fear, the pai�Do you think I wanted to watch my best friend fall for
the one witch I wanted and told myself all this time I couldn�t have? The one
he shouldn�t have wanted, either!�

�Blaise, I��

�No,� he cut her off with a shake of his head. Then he looked up at the ceiling
as if searching for answers before he looked back at her. His voice was a low,
honest caress as he whispered, �I don�t hate you, Gra�Hermione.
I just hate what you�ve unknowingly done to my life.�

�I�m so sorry,� she said as her eyes shone with tears and one lone drop slid
down her cheek.

When he felt himself reaching toward her face to wipe it away, he snapped his
hand back in horror. �What the hell is wrong with me? Why am I telling you
this?�

Hermione shook her head, shrugged and lapsed into an uneasy silence.

Blaise sat back a little and stared at the top of his desk as he tried to
figure out why he was telling her things he had barely admitted to himself.
When the silence became too much, he cleared his throat softly and, without
looking at her, asked about her secret.

�Grang�Hermione? Why should you wondering about being
a pureblood be a secret?�

Hermione flushed a bit at his continued use of her name, and glanced around
nervously to see if anyone could hear them before she answered.

Taking a fortifying breath, she looked at him very seriously, �Please don�t take
this the wrong way, because I know how it�s going to sound, but let me explain
before you react, okay?�

He nodded silently, but she could tell he would give her a chance for a change.

�Okay. I honestly believe, despite the prophecy and all, I mean I know it was
important and I know Harry was the one who��

Blaise snorted, �Stop stalling and get on with it already. I know history.
What�s that got to do with you imagining yourself a pureblood?�

Hermione rolled her eyes at his interruption and continued, �Fine! I believe
our side won, at least in part, because of me being muggleborn.�

When his eyebrow rose, she hurriedly continued, �Yes, my research and planning
was needed, and I think it made a difference, but in my heart I believe me
being�well, me, was just as important. If I hadn�t been Harry�s best friend and
Ron hadn�t been interested in me, would their connection to the fight have been
as strong? If they hadn�t had a living, breathing example of what they were fighting
for standing right next to them, day in and day out, would they have stayed as
committed? Would the other Order members have fought as hard if they hadn�t had
to look at me every day? Of all the people who fought and died, I was the only
muggleborn on the front line. I was practically the poster child for what they
were fighting for every day. Don�t get me wrong; I�m not big-headed enough to
think they couldn�t have won without me; I know they could have. But, me being
there fighting with them, most definitely helped. Does that make sense?�

Blaise thought it over for a long moment and nodded slowly, as he tilted his
head to the side. �Yeah, I guess. But, what does that have to do with��

Her eyes welled again with tears as she looked shamefacedly at him, �Every time
I have that thought, I am betraying every person who fought; spitting on the
memory of those who died. I am practically telling Ron he splinched
himself for no good reason and Harry he died
for no good reason. How can I even begin to wonder about being other than what
I am when they fought and died, so I could be?�

Blaise stared at her in wonder and then barked a laugh. When she blanched as if
he�d slapped her, he stopped laughing, but the smile stayed on his face.

�Merlin�s balls, Granger! Do you always kick yourself
this hard? Are you really so smart that you�re that stupid?�

�What do you��

�I can�t believe you survived our childhood! You should be a bruised and
battered mess, between all of us kicking you around and you doing it to yourself
like this.�

Hermione just continued to look at him with a confused expression, so he sighed
and turned more toward her as he explained, �Did you ever want straight hair?
Or, blue eyes? Bigger or smaller boobs? The ability to fly like Draco and Potter?�

She shrugged and he sat back a bit as he said slowly, �For someone who�s
supposed to be brilliant�I can�t believe you�re making me say this out loud!
Shit! Okay, here goes, we all wonder about what it would be like to be
different than we are; it�s normal. Whether it�s your body, your hair, or�dammit, your blood, it�s just another difference you can�t
control and doesn�t matter, so you wonder about it. It�s like me wondering what
it would have been like to be lighter skinned. It�s not a betrayal, it�s simply
human.�

Hermione�s eyes were huge in her face when he finished. Part of her shock was
from hearing her greatest fear put so succinctly aside; but the other part of
her shock was from having it told to her, the way he had, by Blaise.

�Well�I�wow,� was all she could say as she stared through him lost in her own
realizations.

Blaise was just as shocked at himself, as he realized that he actually believed
what he�d said. To cover his discomfort, and the awkward silence, he smirked.

�So, if you had been born a pureblood, think we would have gotten together?�

Her eyes flew to his and a blush filled her cheeks at his playful leer. But, before
she could answer, they were interrupted by their professor.

xxxxxx

�That�s not good,� Professor Flitwick mumbled to
himself as he saw several of the witches in his room shedding tears. He
honestly hadn�t meant any harm with his Confession Charm, and wondered just
what he�d unknowingly unleashed on his students. In his zeal to test them, he�d
forgotten to take into account just who he was toying with in that particular
class. While most people their age would have few meaningful secrets to tell,
it had slipped his mind that he had a class full of war veterans. He had paired
opposites in not only sex or house, but on sides of the war and belief systems.

He couldn�t believe he hadn�t even thought of it at the time. What secrets
could they be telling one another that would make many cry? His eyes widened as
he thought of the possible mental anguish he had inflicted on them without
meaning to do so.

With a sorrowful sigh he called the room back to attention. �Well, it seems
some of your secrets were more, um, touching than I realized they would be.�

He waited while they all glanced around and noticed the others in the room. �I
trust you all did the spell correctly and I remind you and your secret keeper
that the pain you will suffer, not death as I have dampened the affects of your
spells, should you divulge that secret is not worth whatever momentary
vengeance it may gain you. I also add another reminder that should you tell
your own secret, nothing will happen to your secret keeper and they are then
free to speak of it on their own.�

He saw several students cast wary looks at the people next to them, but noticed
others who looked relieved. Whether their relief was due to his words, or the
unburdening of their souls, he would never know.

xxxxxx

Later that night, Pansy sat on Ron�s common room sofa and stared unseeing into
the fire. They hadn�t really talked since Charms class earlier in the day, and
when he�d asked her after dinner to come back to his rooms to talk, she�d
apprehensively agreed. Her secret wasn�t one any longer as she�d already
discussed it with first Professor Tonks, and then with the girls at lunch. They�d
noticed her distress and offered to have a small lunch in Hermione and
Parvati�s room, so they could talk.

She�d told them of her talk with the professor, as well as her confession to
Ron. Then, she�d burst into fresh tears when she couldn�t tell his secret or
why it pained her to know it. Not knowing his secret they tried to console her,
but she just shook her head sadly at them and left for her next class.

Pansy was beside herself with grief. Since she was unaware of Professor Flitwick�s machinations, she didn�t know that Ron�s desire
to wait for marriage to have sex was real. All she could figure was her
truthfulness in confessing her innocence to him had turned him off so
completely, that he�d said the first thing he could think of to not have to
ever touch her again.

Sitting beside him she glanced over at his serious face in the quiet room and
knew fresh pain when he sighed heavily and lifted his eyes to hers. For a long
moment they stared at one another, only the crackling of the logs in the fireplace
making any sound, and when he glanced back down at his hands, her heart felt it
would break in two.

But, one thing she would not do was let him see her cry. She had grown a lot in
a short time and she�d finally regained her shredded dignity. She refused to let
him see her break again.

Unable to take the silence any longer, she sat up straighter, fisted her hands
together in her lap and turned to face him fully, �Just say it.�

Ron looked up at her in surprise, his face a mask of confusion, �Huh? Say
what?�

�Whatever it is you wanted to say. You asked me back here to talk, so talk. Why are you dragging this out?!�

He blinked at her sudden anger, �Pans, I�m�I��

Lunging to her feet, she turned away and took a deep breath. If he was going to
break up with her, she wanted to be ready to get out of the room before her
first tear fell. She wasn�t sure how long she would be able to hold them back,
so she started slowly inching toward the door.

�Where are you going?� he asked, stunned by her confusing actions. �Dragging
what out?�

In exasperation she put her hands on her hips and shouted, �Just do it
already!�

He stood and came around the sofa slowly, as if he was approaching a wild
animal, �Pansy? What�s wrong? What do you want me to do?�

�Me?!� she shrieked. �This isn�t what I want! This is what you want!�

�What are you talking about?!� he huffed loudly. Then he tunneled his hands
through his hair and mumbled to himself, �I told Harry I was crap at talking
about this stuff!

�You told Harry before you told me?� she whispered, pained. �Did you have to
practice saying it or something?�

Finally, Ron had had enough and bellowed, �What the devil are you on about?�

She turned away and swallowed heavily as she willed away the tears that
threatened to come despite her best efforts. �Just say it, Ron. I don�t think I
can take you drawing it out like this.�

Ron stared at the back of her head in silence and went back over their
conversation quickly. He knew they were having two completely different
conversations, but he had no idea what hers was about.

�Pansy, look at me, please,� he sighed softly. When she turned and he saw her
unshed tears, even as she lifted her chin defensively, he felt an ache in his
gut. �Hon, what do you think we�re talking about?�

She sniffed and looked away from him as she sighed, �I know exactly what we�re
talking about. And, while I will admit it hurts, I am also angry. Very angry, actually. How could you? It�s not a criminal
offense you know!�

He was startled by her abrupt turn from sadness to anger and stepped back as
she advanced on him and starting poking him in the chest sharply punctuating
her words.

�In fact, you should have been pleased! Tonks said you would be! They all did!
Fat lot they know! It�s a gift, dammit! A special one
that I wanted you to have! How dare you break up with me because of it!�

Ron, finally understanding her part of their conversation, grabbed her hand
with a laugh, �Stop poking me, you silly witch. Wait, you talked to Tonks about
this?!�

�Silly?!� she screeched. Then she hit hard on the arm as she yelled, �I�ll show
you silly!� and went for her wand.

He tried to stop his chuckles as he grabbed her and pinned her arms to her
sides. She continued to struggle against him and he did the only thing he could
think of to calm her down.

Pansy�s shock was complete as she found herself lifted off the ground,
suspended in midair with his hands holding her arms, and his lips caressing
hers. Her brain ceased to function and the fight went out of her.

Ron slowly broke their kiss and lowered her carefully down his front.

�Okay, listen to me,� he said quietly, but seriously. �I�m not breaking up with
you. The thought never crossed my mind.�

Pansy�s whole body sagged against his as she whispered shakily, �Really? You�re
not?�

He smiled softly as he guided her back to the sofa, �No, hon. Gods, where do
you women come up with this stuff?�

When she huffed at him, he pulled her down with him and settled her in his
arms. He kissed the tip of her nose and then pulled her up in a hug as he
breathed in her unique perfume. He noticed her body shaking a little against
his and ran a soothing hand over her back.

Pansy tilted her head and rested it on his wide shoulder; her body slumped
against his in relief. She brought her arms up to pull him closer and said
quietly, �I�m sorry. I just�I mean after I told you the truth, you said�I guess
I assumed��

�Forgiven,� he laughed softly as he nuzzled her neck. �But, the next time let
me explain before you jump to conclusions, okay?�

She nodded and turned her head to place a kiss on his shoulder, �I will.�

�Okay, so let me make sure we understand each other. You thought I was going to
break up with you because you�re a virgin after I told you I was one, too? How
did that make any sense to you?�

Pansy shrugged as she turned in his arms and settled her back against his
chest. Then, as she fiddled with his fingers which rested on her lap, she
answered, �I guess I maybe thought you might have just said it so you wouldn�t
have to touch me anymore?�

He heard the question in her voice and refrained from chuckling again. He knew
she felt vulnerable and didn�t want to cause her any more angst.

�Oh, Pans,� he sighed. �How could you think that? What on earth would make you
think I wouldn�t want to touch you just because you haven�t had sex before?
That�s actually the complete opposite of the truth.�

�But, it�s the only thing that made sense, Ron. Why else would you tell me
that?�

When he remained silent she asked a different way, �So, what is? The truth I
mean,� she asked softly. �If you weren�t going to break up with me, what did
you have to talk to Harry about?�

Ron encircled her more fully and pulled her more tightly against him as he
asked, �Let me ask you this. Why might I, a completely normal bloke, not want
to have sex until marriage? And, why might I have told you that particular
secret?�

�I dunno,� she answered with a one-shouldered shrug.
�I thought all guys wanted to. If it�s not me, then I don�t understand.�

�I�ll say it again, hon, believe me, it�s not you. I
want you more than you can imagine.� When she nodded a little, he continued,
�What�s my last name, Pansy?�

�Weasley,� she answered.

�And, what�s the one thing everyone in the wizarding world knows about
Weasleys, other than that we all have red hair?�

Pansy laughed a little as she answered, �That there�s a bajillion
of you.�

�Exactly,� he sighed.

When he didn�t continue, she turned to look at him in confusion, �Exactly,
what?�

�One thing my father always impressed upon us was that having children was a
responsibility too important to play with. As his children it was our
responsibility to make sure his side of the family�s, uh, prolific nature
didn�t get us into trouble.�

�Huh?� she asked blankly.

�Merlin, Pans! Fleur was pregnant before they came back from the honeymoon; and
Charlie drinks some kind of super strength, partially illegal, dragon�s blood
potion to protect himself. I don�t know what Fred and George do and Ginny,
well, she and Harry wouldn�t� Anyway, barring the surgery Mom finally had, sex
and Weasleys means children, there seems to be no stopping it. And, I don�t
want to make a mistake that could ruin a lot of lives just to�you
know.�

He closed his eyes briefly to say, �I think we�re in a good place, Pansy. I see
a lot of possibilities for us. But, I can�t risk it. Not until I know for sure.
Does that make sense?�

Pansy sat back on his lap and smiled as she ran her fingers over his high
cheekbones, �Yes. Yes, it does. I apologize again for jumping to conclusions. I
guess I�m not as solid and secure as I thought I was.�

�No worries, love. Let�s just take things one day at a time, okay?�

Pansy nodded and leaned down to kiss him quickly. Ron held her tighter and
deepened their kiss, until she pulled back with a smirk.

�I guess I should go, huh?�

His grip on her hips tightened as he shook his head and returned her look, �No,
I think that would be a really bad idea, actually. I can think of a great many
other things you should do.�

She leaned into his hard body and wriggled a bit on his lap, �Oh really?�

His answer of, �Yes, really,� was muffled against her lips.

xxxxxx

Author�s Notes and Responses: The
last chapter was one of the more fun ones for me to both write and read the
reviews from, as you guys are absolutely amazing! I wonder how many of you
guessed Ginny and Ron. LMAO. One last time before we
end this part of the story in the next chapter, I wanted to take a moment and
thank those of you who have read along and even reviewed this story. To all of
you, I THANK YOU!!!!

marie: So, did I shock
you? lol Harry and Draco have a ways to go, but they
are getting there more each day. Thank you!

angeles:
Sorry about the evil cliffhanger, but it has been so much fun for me to see
people�s guesses! Yes, the sequel is started, but there will be at least a
couple of weeks lag before I start posting. I want to get a bit further, so we
don�t run into me not being able to update at some point� Thanks!

Mrs.DracoMalfoy:
Glad I could make you giggle. Thanks!

�

kazfeist:
Thank you, hon. :-) I am truly glad you like it.

AriesGirl:
Sorry, but I had to do it. lol Although your guesses
had me cackling like a mad professor. :-D Did you like the pregnant person?
Yes, I absolutely loved writing that chapter. It was fun, revealing and deep. I
am so glad you got all of those. Thank you a bajillion
times for your lovely compliments. Weiner Fitts�LMAO!

margaritama:
�Secrets can sometimes weigh heavily on the soul after all and can be seen as
weakness when sharing them actually reveals strength.� Wow, that was so
perfect. Thank you and hugs.

bLondpierogi:
Thank you, dear! I got a �Bloody awesome� and a �Brilliant� all in one review!!
WOO HOO!! I am really glad you liked it. :-D Thank you!!
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Struggling Through New Beginnings