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Amore et Amicitia	By : Kimmimaru Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male > Sirius/James Views: 6685 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 1
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any characters or settings by JK Rowling. I make no profit from this story.

Chapter List
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Chapter Forty-Three: Crucis possis sustinere (The Cross you bear)

Summer came with warm skies and soft fluffy clouds, their sixth year ended after exams and they returned home. Sirius spent an increasingly large amount of time in London, he stayed in hotels while he hunted for a new home. It didn’t take long for James to miss him, he spent his days sitting at his window and wishing Sirius would return quickly.

Sirius was gone for three weeks, James tried to ignore his absence but it was like a broken tooth, he couldn’t stop himself from dwelling on it. However, time away from his best friend got him to realise a few things, he had plenty of time to think and he realised that perhaps he was falling for Sirius. The thought made him pause, but he couldn’t escape it and by the time Sirius returned he was ready to tell him the truth.

Sirius strode into the house, greeting Dorea Potter brightly as he slipped his leather jacket off to reveal his black tank-top. “Is James here?” He asked.

“He’s in his bedroom.”

“Thanks.” Sirius took the stairs two at a time and burst into the room. “Jamie!” He threw himself into James’ arms, their lips crashed together in an intense kiss. When Sirius pulled away he grinned. He sat in James’ lap on the bed as he ran fingers through the hair at the back of James’ head. “I found a place, it’s perfect!”

“That’s...that’s good.” James replied, he felt disappointment that Sirius really was going to move out after school.

“Problem is the rents a bit much...but it’s got two rooms...I...”

James gazed up into Sirius’ face, he wandered if Sirius was going to ask him to move in with him. The question raised all kinds of complicated emotions. “Siri, I...”

“I was going to ask Remus if he wanted to move in with me.” Sirius said happily. “We could share rent and if he can’t afford it I can pay his half...although he’ll have to buy the food. What do you reckon?”

James felt a sense of disappointment but forced it aside, he kissed Sirius softly and smiled as he pulled away. “That’s brilliant. He’ll be happy.”

“I’m glad you approve, I just reckon that considering what his parents are like that he’ll welcome an escape after school.” Sirius smiled. “We’ll have great fun.”

James felt a flicker of jealousy, his fingers tightened on Sirius’ top, almost tearing the flimsy fabric. He took a breath, inhaling the scent of soap, cigarette smoke and engine oil that clung to his lover. “I’m...sure you will.” He replied stiffly.

“Well then Mr. Potter, what do you want to do for the rest of summer?” Sirius muttered, his voice dropping huskily as he wound his arms around James’ neck and smirked.

James forgot why he was jealous, he forgot everything as he pushed his fingers into that long soft hair and dragged Sirius’ lips to his own. He smiled into the kiss as happiness bubbled in his chest, he let a soft breath pass his lips. “Sirius...” he whispered and felt Sirius respond with his own name. He deepened the kiss, feeling Sirius’ tongue join his own and tangle in a dance they both knew. It was with a new found clarity that James whispered those three, heart stopping words; “I love you.”

Sirius pulled away with a gasp, his grey eyes wide with incomprehension. The two boys watched each other for a long time before Sirius blinked. “You do?” He whispered cautiously, half of him insisted he had misheard James in the excitement of being reunited with him. “Do you...mean that?”

James smiled and nodded. “I realised while you were gone that my feelings for you have been more than friendship and brotherly love for a long time, I realised that without you I’m half a person. It was only natural that I should come to the conclusion that I love you.”

Sirius scanned his face, he was reluctant to give in to the wild joy that filled him. “W-What about...what about Lily?”

James paused in his act of stroking hair from Sirius’ face. “Well...I can’t say that I’ve stopped loving her, only that I’ve realised that we’ll never be together. She doesn’t want me.”

“I see...” Sirius frowned as he digested what he was hearing. “So...so what if she took an interest in you? What if she decided she wanted you? Who would you choose?”

James froze. He didn’t know how to answer that. He remembered Lily’s eyes, her hair and felt a shiver run down his spine. “I...I don’t know...” He breathed slowly. “Sirius I...”

Sirius drew away from James enough to look at him properly. “You’re going to choose her over me.” He said, it wasn’t a question. He sighed. “I’ve always known you would choose her I suppose, I was just in denial...”

“I’m sorry...”

Sirius shrugged. “I knew what I was getting into from the first moment I realised my feelings for you, let’s forget about the future for now and concentrate on the present.” His smile grew slowly, eyes glittering behind his fringe. “I love you James Potter, I will always love you.”

XXX

The week before they returned to Hogwarts James received a surprise in his Book lists. He gaped at it in surprise, a crimson and gold badge. Sirius frowned as he looked up from his own book lists. “What’s wrong?” He asked as James turned and wordlessly held out his badge. Sirius stared at it for a second before snorting derisively. “You should return it, they must have made a mistake.”

James grinned, wrapping his fingers around the tiny object. “True, I’ll write to McGonagall shall I?” He laughed.

“So, you’re going to follow in Moony’s footsteps and become a swot?”

James sat down on the sofa beside his best friend and punched him in the arm. “Not likely, it just means I’ll have to take pains to be more careful.”

Sirius grinned. “Looks like we should celebrate, Mr. Head Boy.”

“Indeed we should...” James considered thoughtfully. “I wander if my dad has any of that good whiskey?”

XXX

The day before they returned to Hogwarts found Sirius and James messing around on broomsticks in amongst the trees of the Orchard. Their laughter filled the hot air and lifted to the sky, birds scattered as they whizzed around the trees and tried to catch each other. Sirius watched in awe as James slowly began climbing to his feet, balancing himself with both arms as he skimmed the ground. He frowned in concentration as he stood like a surfer on his broom handle. “Woo! Siri, look at this!” He laughed and almost overbalanced. Sirius grinned as he flew in circles around his friend, James frowned in concentration as he whizzed beneath a tree branch. With cat-like reflexes he grabbed it and swung himself into it. His broom dropped to the ground and Sirius hovered beside him laughing.

“You show off, only you can pull stunts like that and not kill yourself.”

James shrugged and ruffled up his hair as he used to when he was younger. “Ah well, I’m just brilliant aren’t I?”

Sirius rolled his eyes and moved to pull James from his perch, but James was too well balanced. Sirius slipped to the ground with a loud thud. James laughed as he looked down at him between his feet, he kicked them back and forth a moment before leaping lightly to the floor. He straightened from his crouch and lifted his hand, Sirius grinned and took it in his own. With a violent yank he pulled James on top of him and they rolled down the hill laughing as their hair picked up leaves and twigs on their way to the river. With a splash they landed in freezing water and Sirius sat up wiping his eyes and giggling. James found his glasses, which had fallen off with the impact he was grinning as he pushed them back on his face. “Git, I’m soaked now!”

“Your fault for starting this mess.” Sirius splashed water at him, he was grinning from ear to ear.

James leapt at him and they began rolling through the river and scaring birds into the air with their laughter, they wrestled and play fought until they were breathless. The sunlight sparkled from James’ hair and glasses, they refracted the light into thousands of tiny rainbows. Sirius’ hair stuck to his forehead and his shirt clung to his body, James was deliberately running his hands over his body simply to feel the heat of him through his clothes. Finally Sirius paused and pulled James into a blazing kiss, his fingers tangled in James’ messy hair as they grinned into each other’s mouths. The moment was so utterly perfect it felt like a dream to them both, Sirius feared that he would wake at any moment.

XXX

The beginning of their seventh year brought a disturbing halt to Sirius and James’ happiness. The common room was quiet the evening of their return, Sirius lay lounging on a sofa and gazing into the fire as Remus read by his feet. Peter was nodding off where he sat but James’ focus was on a certain red head who was talking animatedly with her friends in one corner. He rested his head on one hand while he gazed raptly at her, she seemed to feel his gaze and slowly lifted those gem-stone eyes to his. He smiled and to his utter shock she returned it, his heart skipped in his chest and he shifted slightly. He hadn’t told Sirius who the Head Girl was, he wasn’t quite sure how he would react. He certainly wouldn’t be telling him that, as they had been discussing the school year with the prefects, Lily had been flirting with him.

Sirius yawned, he noticed that James was preoccupied with Lily, he had been watching him watch her. “So, what’s with the sudden interest in Evans again?” He asked quietly, making James start.

Remus looked up from his book. “She’s Head Girl.” He said softly.

“I see...” Sirius sighed softly and smiled, it was a little forced. “Good, that means you can get to spend more time with her.”

“It’s not...I...” James stuttered himself into silence and he met Sirius’ eyes. Sirius nodded once, as if granting permission.

“Is she showing interest in you?”

“Well...”

“They were flirting like mad in the compartment, I was quite surprised.” Remus replied, absently scratching his head. He seemed unaware of the new development of Sirius and James’ relationship.

“Well...you should ask her on a date.” Sirius said softly, his face betraying nothing of his true feelings, he hid the pain behind false happiness. He knew, deep down that he couldn’t compete with Lily.

James searched Sirius’ face, looking for some hint as to what he was feeling but he found nothing. “I think I will...the next Hogsmeade weekend.”

“Good idea.” Sirius muttered and turned his eyes back to the fire. “I’m going to bed...”

“Night.” Remus said with a wave over his shoulder. Sirius squeezed his shoulder in response and strode up to the dorms. James watched him go feeling empty and deflated, he looked at the fire and sighed. “You know you shouldn’t lead him on.” Remus said quietly.

“What?”

“Do you think I’m stupid? I’ve noticed how lovey you two have been, yet on the train you were verbally fucking Lily. I like Lily, she’s my friend but so is Sirius...choose one James, and stop hurting them.”

James returned his eyes to Lily and she smiled at him again, he couldn’t help but return it. What did he want? Who could he see himself spending the rest of his life with? He could answer the last question easily; Lily. It was her he envisioned kissing on the altar, it was her he imagined carrying his children. It was her hand he held in his dreams as they stood above a crib with a baby inside. He closed his eyes and lowered his head. He couldn’t have family with Sirius, who lacked the appropriate reproductive organs. He couldn’t marry him. He couldn’t have the family he so desperately wanted with him. With that decision James opened his eyes, Lily was frowning in concern. He stood up and walked over to her. “Evans?” He asked softly, yet all eyes swivelled in their direction.

“Yes, Potter?”

“Would you be willing to go to Hogsmeade with me in October?”

Lily’s smile confirmed it for him, this was the woman he wanted by his side until the day he died. “I think I would be.”

Sirius sat on the stairs leading up to the dorms, he sighed heavily after listening to James asking Lily on a date. Slowly he smiled to himself, it was small as he shook his head and stood up. “Be good to him, Evans.” He whispered and turned to enter the dorms.

James was worried about breaking the news to Sirius, he didn’t want to hurt him, even though he himself was dying inside. He was surprised when Sirius clapped him on the shoulder and congratulated him, he was shocked when he saw Sirius’ smile. It was too knowing, as if he had known all along that he would choose Lily.

XXX

October rolled around and James went on his first date with Lily Evans, she was so much more than he had initially thought. They went to the Three Broomsticks and sat there all day, Lily’s laughter was bright and she had a wicked streak in her that James had never suspected. She was as bright as fire and her smile shone brighter than a thousand suns, her hand was soft when he had finally worked up the courage to take hold of it. They smiled at each other across the table and it struck James that the world seemed a much brighter place with Lily at his side.

He found that talking to her was as easy as talking to Remus, the words came to him smoothly and when they walked to the Shrieking Shack they did it hand in hand.

Sirius sat in the pub by the bar, he hid himself in shadows as he watched the love of his life talk to the girl who he would marry. He smiled bitterly and downed the whiskey, the Barmaid, a young woman with a fall of blond curls, sidled up to him. “You should slow down there, Black.” She said as she re-filled his glass. “Anyone would think you had sorrows to drown.”

“More than most, Rosemearta.”

The Barmaid smiled. “Here, this one’s on the house, hun.”

“Thanks.” He knocked it back easily, being seventeen had its advantages. The first of which was able to drink in a licensed bar. “How old are you again?”

“You never ask a lady her age!” Rosemerta said in a scandalised voice, then she grinned and leaned on the bar. “I’m twenty-five if you must know.”

Sirius smiled. “Can I have another?”

“Not on the house, my father would murder me.” She re-filled his glass and he paid her. “Now, no more or Dumbledore will be in here with complaints about getting students drunk.”

“As you wish.” Sirius muttered as he stared into his glass, the door tinkled and he turned to see James’ back as he escorted Lily into the chilly air. “I suppose if someone was to find love, I’m glad it’s him.”

“Feeling lonely?”

Sirius considered the question before sighing, he met the woman’s gaze. “You don’t even understand the half of it.”

“I have a few years experience on you, try me.”

Sirius chuckled. “I’m in love with my best mate...and he’s in love with a girl.”

“Ah...” Rosemerta looked uncomfortable. “So its true what the kids in here were saying? The infamous Sirius Black is gay?”

Sirius shrugged. “Fraid so, sorry to disappoint you.” He smiled bitterly.

Rosemerta filled his glass again. “This one’s on me, just don’t tell anyone.” She winked and walked off, leaving Sirius alone with his thoughts.

He gazed into the amber liquid and tapped his nails on the bar-top just as someone sat at his side. “I’ll have a Butterbeer please.” Sirius turned to see Remus looking flushed with cold as he removed his gloves, he sat on the bar stool at his side. “And another of whatever Sirius is drinking, he probably needs it.”

Sirius felt a grin tug at his lips. “Always, Remus.” He said and chuckled roughly. “I’ll pay for it.”

“No...don’t...”

Sirius pushed Remus’ hand down and pushed his own money towards the barmaid. “Take it, it’s a gift.”

Remus flushed and looked at the fat gold coins in Sirius’ hand, he sighed softly. “Thank you.” He said reluctantly.

“That’s a good Moony.” Sirius said with an easy grin, he downed his drink with ease just as another arrived. “Drink up; I want to go to the shack.”

XXX

The shack was dusty and creaked in the silence, Sirius went up to the bedroom where Remus usually changed. It was covered in deep gouges, bedding was torn to shreds and the scent of mould permeated everything. Sirius sat down on the bed and lay there, surrounded by dust and nearly three years worth of memories. He sighed and closed his eyes. “I’ve lost him for good.” He muttered as Remus sat at his side, he felt his friend lie down and they both stared at the sagging ceiling.

“No, he’ll always be your friend.”

“Friends...” Sirius tasted the word, it hurt and tasted bitter but he accepted it. “I guess it was inevitable, after a guy spends years chasing a girl he couldn’t just deny his feelings for her when she finally starts to show an interest.”

“Yes, I believe that you’re right...you can’t stop that kind of love, Sirius.”

“I never wanted to stop it. I want him to be happy, no matter what the cost to myself.” He smiled. “I can see their wedding, flowers, white dress and everything...”

Remus chuckled softly. “And you in smart dress robes, of course James wouldn’t want anyone else as Best Man.”

“I don’t know about that...I wouldn’t be able to keep my hands off of the cute groomsmen.” Sirius paused and suddenly turned to face Remus. “She’s so fucking lucky.”

Remus smiled sadly, he pushed Sirius’ fringe from his eyes tenderly. “It’ll get easier, Sirius...trust me.”

“Will it?” Sirius turned his head back to the ceiling. “Nothing in this world would make me happier than to see him smile like he does when he’s loved...but it is also going to tear me to shreds.”

“I know.” Remus said quietly. He didn’t know what else to say.

“You know what I want more than anything in this world?” Sirius whispered, his voice breaking with emotion.

Remus didn’t respond, knowing the question was rhetorical.

“I want him to smile all the time.” Sirius whispered and closed his eyes, he pushed fingers into his hair. “I want him to be loved and happy and to never have to be sad again...I want him to be healthy and to find a joy in life that I could never give him.” A small, impossibly sad smile touched Sirius’ lips. “I want to give him the world.”

Remus pulled Sirius close and closed his eyes. “I’m sorry...”

“Don’t be, it was inevitable.” Sirius opened his eyes and gazed at Remus. “I found a place to live.”

“Good, it will make things easier.” Remus replied with a smile of his own.

“It’s got two rooms.” Sirius watched Remus carefully. “Do you want to live together after school?”

“I...” Remus sighed. “I would love to but I would never be able to afford it, after all, knowing what I am will prevent me from getting a job.”

“I know, which is why I will be more than happy to pay your rent for you...if you want. You need to get out of that house, Remus.”

He winced and turned away. “My parents love me...”

“I know they do, which is why it destroys them each time you change in the basement.”

Remus shook his head. “I know...I know but...my mother she will be distraught...”

“You’re not going to be cutting them out of your life, Moons, you’re just giving them space.”

Remus opened his eyes and chewed his lip thoughtfully, finally he nodded. “Alright then, we’ll live together after school.”

Sirius grinned and stuck out his hand, Remus took it in his own. “Deal.”
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Amore et Amicitia