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Lost and Damned	By : danniperson Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male > Harry/Snape Views: 24087 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, the characters or the world or anything, and I make absolutely no profit from this.

Chapter List
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LOST AND DAMNED

Compared To Your Eyes Nothing Shines Quite as Bright

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The next few days passed by slowly, but Harry was enjoying himself during this break. Every morning he woke up in Severus's arms, either to find the man staring at him lovingly or lost in one of his books. Despite the fun they had engaged in on the first day of the holidays, Severus was rather reluctant to touch Harry much more other than holding him and didn't dare kiss him too long, fearing things might go too far. Harry knew that Severus was hesitant to take the next step in their relationship, though Harry himself was eager to have sex. He wasn't going to push it, though, and honestly didn't even know how to broach the subject. Severus would only dance around the topic and probably wouldn't give him much of a straight answer, anyway. It wasn't all bad, just cuddling with the man or talking to him. He enjoyed their light banter over the silliest, smallest subjects or the teasing he had grown to appreciate.

Harry didn't stay holed up in the dungeons, though. Severus had grading to do or reading he enjoyed and Harry did want to spend time with his friends. He flew around on the pitch a bit with Draco and walked the grounds with Hermione. Draco seemed a bit embarrassed about everything he had done and Hermione seemed annoyed with him still, but somehow that mistake had reunited them in some way. They weren't close, still, but for a little bit at a time, Harry could hang out with them both, usually to satisfy their curiosity about his relationship with Severus and he could catch up on what was going on with them, though it honestly wasn't much. Hermione would prattle on about interesting facts she recently learned or would rant about house elf treatment and her plans to make a better case to Slughorn about elf rights. Draco would rant about how, as much as he loved her mother, she wrote him far too much and was starting to get on his nerves and his father was still trying to guilt him into coming home. The way he talked about his father made Harry wonder if he had said anything to Hermione about his past…No one ever came out and said anything, but it was the way they spoke and the way they looked whenever the subject was brought up that made Harry wonder.

While their moments together were tense and awkward, Harry was at least glad that there was promise that he might be able to be around both of his best friends again. Things seemed to be progressing much better on Christmas Eve. Draco dared to come sit with them during breakfast and Hermione didn't object and didn't rush off early. After breakfast Hermione sat in the stands and watched Harry and Draco fly around. When they got tired they joined her and just enjoyed hanging out and talking for a bit before lunch. Per usual, Draco couldn't keep off of the subject of sex for too long.

"…I'm just saying…charm a mistletoe to float over his dick while he's sleeping and he can't stop you from doing naughty things to him. And I promise, a guy will be putty in your hands when his cock's in your mouth. I've done some pretty stupid things for girls giving me head before," Draco was saying and Hermione couldn't seem to decide if she was offended or amused by all of the sex talk.

"I do not understand why you're so interested in my sex life," Harry said with a grin, shaking his head.

"I'm interested in everyone's sex lives," Draco insisted. "And since I no longer have one of my own, I have to live vicariously through you…Only I'm not gay, but you're pretty much my only shot at the moment."

"You are sick," Harry said, shaking his head.

"Perversion is not always a bad thing," Draco said, scoffing. "What else are we going to talk about, anyway?"

"There are plenty of things other than sex," Hermione said.

"Not school related?" Draco asked.

"Of course," Hermione said, looking offended.

Draco shrugged. "Just making sure."

Hermione rolled her eyes. "We could talk about what Harry's getting Snape for Christmas or what we could do during our next Hogsmeade trip…We could discuss politics or the latest news in the Daily Prophet or…Well, Quidditch always seems like a popular topic. Or-"

"Okay, okay, plenty to talk about," Draco admitted. "But something fun!"

"I'm sure something that is not my sex life could be fun to talk about," Harry said laughing.

"We had a very nice discussion about house elf rights just outside," Hermione pointed out.

"We listened to you rant and found it amusing the sorts of things you were going to do to make people listen," Draco pointed out.

"Well fine then," Hermione sniffed. "I still stand by my point that there is more to being a teenager than sex. And school is not an entirely dull topic of conversation, Draco Malfoy."

"Yes, well, since we're not in class I'd like to forget they even exist for now," Draco shrugged.

"See? We're having fun right now…Not talking about sex," Harry joked.

"Very good, Harry," Hermione said with a smile.

Draco muttered under his breath but didn't object. By the end of lunch they had dared Draco to not talk about sex or masturbate for twenty four hours. Hermione even cast a rather complicated spell to make sure they would be alerted if Draco broke any of the conditions when he was not in their presence. Despite his preoccupation with sex, Draco had a determination in his eyes that told Harry it was not going to be an easily won bet. Especially since Hermione promised neither of them would intentionally tempt him into breaking his own rules.

"…and if you win, we'll talk about nothing but sex the rest of our time together. But if we win, we are next talking about sex ever again," Harry said as Hermione completed the spells.

"What?" Draco exclaimed, eyes growing wide.

Harry laughed and Hermione rolled her eyes. Draco glared at him. "Sorry, it was funny," Harry said.

"To you," Draco muttered. "Hey, what will I get if I win?"

"The satisfaction of proving us wrong," Hermione told him.

"Well, that's no fun," Draco said with a frown.

"I'll measure Severus's penis and tell you how big it is if you win," Harry said with a grin, causing Hermione and Draco to laugh. Harry wasn't really sure if Draco took it seriously or not, though he was sort of hoping it was the latter.

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After lunch, Harry returned to Severus's rooms. He was a bit surprised to find that Severus was laying on the couch, fast asleep. His shoes were by the door and his robes were draped over the back of the couch. One hand was resting on his chest while one arm draped off of the couch, his recent reading material on the floor. Harry hardly ever saw the man sleep, let alone take a nap. Harry was normally the first one asleep and the last one to wake up. Maybe he had taken a sleeping potion or something, Harry thought as he quietly closed the door. He toed out of his own shoes and dropped them by Severus's by the door and shrugged out of his jacket, tossing it onto the chair. He supposed he could go back out to find Hermione or Draco to have something to do.

Instead, he walked over to the couch and picked up Severus's book (The Last Road by Audra White) and straightened the pages that had been bent with a frown. Severus wasn't going to like that. He set the book onto the coffee table, cover-down, hoping the weight of the other pages on top of it would straighten the others one out the best they could. He sat on his knees by the couch and took Severus's arm and placed it back onto the man's body, though he didn't move his hand from Severus's when he was done. He gave the hand a small squeeze and shifted around a bit to find a somewhat comfortable position.

Severus liked to watch Harry sleep. Even before this holiday, when Harry would take naps on the couch, he would often wake to find Severus watching him. If he wasn't reading, he was watching Harry. Harry wasn't sure what was so interesting about a sleeping person, but for a few minutes he thought he could see the appeal. He liked looking at Severus and now he looked so peaceful and relaxed, more so than he usually looked. The man did a lot in his life, held a lot of responsibility…He looked normally older than his thirty six years, years of pain and duty stealing the youth he barely even had. He deserved a good bit of sleep, Harry thought, reaching out to gently trace his fingers along Severus's face.

His knees were sore before too long and he felt a bit restless, so he stood up and took a quick shower, since he had been flying around outside earlier that morning. When he was done, he walked back into the living room, finding Severus still asleep on the couch. He didn't want to disturb Severus, but found himself moving forward anyway, carefully crawling onto the couch with him, snuggling close to his lover. He spent a few minutes with his hands over Severus's chest, his chin resting on top of his hands, watching Severus's face while he slept. He shifted around after that, resting his head on Severus's chest, listening to the man's heartbeat while he played with the buttons on Severus's shirt and ended up unbuttoning it after a while, finding he liked resting against Severus's bare skin much better. When the last button was done he pushed open the shirt and wrapped his arms around Severus and rested his face against the warm flesh, listening to his heartbeat again while he went to watching the flames in the fireplace dance around.

Harry wasn't sure when he fell asleep…He hadn't even really been aware of being at all tired. He didn't even think he dreamed at all. He was only aware that, all of a sudden, he was waking up. He was still holding Severus close, resting against his chest, only now the man had one arm wrapped around his waist while fingers stroked through his hair, dropping down to trace gently over his scar before combing through his thick locks again. He didn't open his eyes for a few minutes, just enjoying the warmth and comfort of his position a while longer.

"Is there any reason you felt the need to undo my shirt?" Severus asked quietly after a while, trailing his fingers out of Harry's hair, dragging the tip of his index finger down the back of Harry's neck, causing him to shiver.

"Hmm," Harry said, wondering how Severus knew he was awake, though not entirely surprised. He turned his head a bit to kiss the flesh beneath him before answering. "I like you better without it."

Severus snorted, beginning to trail his fingers slowly up and down Harry's spine. Harry sighed in content and made no move to leave. He didn't dare move much of his body at all, for fear of discouraging Severus from continuing to touch him this way. He found himself enjoying the gentle thumping of Severus's heart, the sound of it, swearing he could almost feel it moving beneath him. Severus Snape had a heart, he thought with a smile. And it was his. How strange, how heartless Harry had thought him to be just a few years ago…And how impossible something like this had seemed to him just last year, a dream that never had a hope of coming true.

"What are you so happy about?" Severus whispered, apparently feeling the curve of Harry's mouth against his skin.

"You," Harry told him. "You make me happy."

Severus's fingers paused for a moment, but resumed their movement seconds later. He didn't say anything and Harry was glad for it. Severus always seemed to get awkward when he or Harry did or said anything so…sweet. Like he didn't know how to handle such a situation and like he hardly believed it when he was the one doing it. He would either make a joke of it or say nothing at all and in this, Harry preferred the silence. He smiled a bit more, though, when after a minute Severus leaned down to kiss the top of his head.

Harry wanted to say something…To talk about his day or to ask Severus about his or even to tease him about having never seen him sleep before. His mouth never opened, though, unwilling to disturb this peace that had settled over them. He was enjoying this feeling far too much. He didn't want to move, didn't want to talk, didn't want to do anything but to stay right here and didn't want it to end anytime soon…or ever, really.

Severus drooped his hands lower, pressing his fingers under the hem of Harry's shirt and pushing upwards, his fingers now moving over Harry's bare skin. Harry made a quiet, pleased sound in his throat, kissing Severus's chest again. His other arm moved up to begin playing with Harry's hair again and everything felt so good and warm he thought he might fall asleep again. Those touches were so gentle, so slow and caring, it seemed strange that they were being given by Severus. While he still struggled with comfort in expressing his feelings through words and gestures, he did a perfect job of displaying his feelings through every look and touch he gave. Harry didn't need to hear him say it and didn't need him to do anything but this…Because through this, Harry knew…He knew without a doubt that Severus loved him just as much as Harry loved him.

Harry shifted slightly and moved his head to rest his chin on Severus's chest, looking up at the man's face. His face looked just as relaxed and peaceful as it had while he was sleeping, looking a good few years younger. Harry examined his face for a while before finally meeting those dark eyes that never left him. Black pools that seemed to suck him in and before Harry really knew what he was doing, he moved again, pressing himself up Severus's body a bit more so that he could kiss the man.

Their lips moved slowly and softly against one another's in a sweet manner that didn't stir lust so much as warming their bodies, creating fluttering hearts and pleasant tingles. Severus's hands continued working down his back and through his hair as they kissed. Harry pulled his arms out from around Severus and rested one instead on Severus's bare chest while the other arm he moved up, pressing his body up a bit more into a more suitable position, and behind Severus's neck. Harry found himself lost in their kisses while his hand moved on it's own accord, tracing down Severus's jaw and down his neck, along his collarbone and along the muscles and scars on his chest, back up to his shoulder and down his arm, touching everywhere he could reach gently, lovingly.

Harry was left breathless when Severus pulled away, not noticing anything was wrong at first. It wasn't until Severus carefully moved him to the couch while Severus slipped out from under him that Harry realized the pained and disturbed look crossing his lover's face and the way he rubbed at his forearm a few seconds before hastily buttoning up his shirt.

"He's summoning you," Harry said quietly.

"Don't wait up, Potter. Be here when I get back," Severus instructed, moving quickly over to the door to put on his shoes and ripping his robe from the back of the couch and putting it on.

Harry sat on the couch, watching him, biting the inside of his mouth hard. He wanted to make him stay. Beg him to stay. Blackmail him into staying. Anything to keep him from going. Harry hated it every time that he went and he hated it more and more every time it happened. Severus was Voldemort's favorite. Draco told him that one day. But that didn't always mean something. Nothing really had any meaning when it came to evil such as Voldemort. He could be favored one day and dead the next.

When Severus opened the door to step out, Harry wanted to tell him he loved him, but found that he couldn't and he sat silently as the door closed.

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"He really had a very good taste in books."

An hour later found Harry sitting in the same spot, only now in the company of his two best friends. He wasn't sure Severus would be happy he had let Hermione into his private chambers, as both Draco and Hermione had pointed out on the way here, but Harry didn't care much at the moment. He needed them and needed to get his mind off of things. Draco immediately grabbed the deck of cards from Severus's bedside table and brought them out to teach Harry how to play a Slytherin game called Salazar's Seven. Hermione, meanwhile, introduced herself to the bookshelf against the wall.

"You mean to tell me you read something other than text books?" Draco asked teasingly as he dealt out the cards after explaining the rules.

Hermione shot him a glare and pulled one book from the shelf and looking through it. "I'll have to write down some of these titles…They look really good."

"If only you weren't a Gryffindor, you'd both get along famously," Draco said with a laugh.

"He gets along with me just fine," Harry pointed out with a grin.

"Yes, well, he w-" Draco began, but stopped and frowned, looking thoughtful for a minute. Harry figured he had been about to say something sexual before remembering their bet. "He…Well, you're the Chosen One," Draco finally said. Harry and Hermione exchanged a knowing look and laughed. Draco glared at them. "Shut up."

"Well if he expects to be with me," Harry continued, "in the future, he'll have to be around my friends eventually and give them a shot. They'll be the best of friends after that."

Hermione laughed. "Somehow, I doubt that."

"Well you're not a complete moron, Hermione, so it's not entirely impossible," Draco said. "We should try playing Salazar's Sinister Seven after this."

"That doesn't sound safe," Harry said, raising his eyebrow at the word sinister.

"You play that with Exploding Snap cards," Draco said with a grin.

"Okay, definitely not safe," Harry said. "Thanks for the warning."

"It can get pretty ugly," Draco agreed.

"So what were you doing before you were interrupted?" Hermione asked, taking one of the books and bringing it over to the couch to sit beside Harry.

"Nothing much, really," Harry said. "He was napping when I got in," Harry said, shaking his head. "So I joined him…Then we just kind of laid there when I woke up…Snogged a bit right before he got the summons."

"Does he not usually nap?" Hermione asked, raising her eyebrow, apparently noticing something in Harry's face when he said it.

"No, not really. At least not that I've seen," Harry explained.

"Hmm," Hermione said. "Well…It sounds very sweet."

Harry didn't understand how she got sweet out of what he said. He hadn't exactly gone into detail about anything…There wasn't much to give only how he felt about it and how tenderly Severus was touching him and kissing him. He felt a bit strange, thinking it a bit too personal to really say. Even more personal than most of the things Harry did tell them.

"So. You got him to let you decorate?" Draco commented, eying the Christmas decorations.

"He let Dobby decorate," Harry corrected him. Draco raised an eyebrow. "Dobby apparently came in wanting to make it look nice for me and Severus had him fix it up into something appropriate but yeah…He let him keep some of it up."

"He must really like you then," Draco laughed.

"I should hope so," Harry said grinning.

After two rounds of Salazar's seven, one with Draco and Harry and the next with Draco teaching it to Hermione, the trio went to dinner, but Harry didn't feel very hungry. They returned to the chambers as soon as possible, but Severus still wasn't back. Hermione continued reading one of Severus's books, another by Audra White, Misery's Keeper, while Draco tried to talk Harry into a game of Salazar's Sinister Seven.

"What do you want to do then?" Draco asked impatiently when Harry turned down his other ideas. "Something to lift your holiday spirit or something? We can sing Christmas carols or something…Roast marshmallows in the fireplace…Something else weirdly Gryffindor."

"I have never seen anyone roast marshmallows in a fireplace," Hermione snorted. "And I also haven't seen any Gryffindors running around caroling."

"What would I know about what Gryffindors do anyway?" Draco grumbled. "What do Gryffindors do?"

"We turn Slytherins into ferrets," Hermione said with a smile.

Draco glared at her. "Fine, we'll play Slytherin games then."

Hermione glanced up from the book and finally noticed how Harry's mood had diminished. She frowned and glanced worriedly at Draco. The more time that passed the more worried Harry became and the harder it was to distract him. He couldn't feel anything from Voldemort…Couldn't see anything…And he would admit, he was trying to see something. He needed to know what was going on, even if Severus was pissed at him for doing something like that.

"Roasting marshmallows doesn't sound too bad," Hermione said.

"We can order some snacks, then…You can pay the elves in all the hats you want, but I'm still using them," Draco said. "Dobby! Harry Potter's sad and needs a Christmas treat!"

Only a minute later Dobby appeared with a tray of food…Treacle tarts and butterbeer and sugar cookies.

"Is there anything else Dobby can help Harry Potter with?" Dobby asked eagerly.

"No, thank you, Dobby, this will be fine," Hermione said with a smile. "Would you like my scarf, Dobby?"

Draco sighed heavily and rolled his eyes and it caught Harry's attention enough for him to laugh. Dobby grinned broadly and thanked Hermione profusely as she draped her purple scarf around him. "You are too kind, Hermione Granger! Very kind witch!"

"Crazy," Draco muttered under his breath, though Harry didn't know if he was referring to Hermione or Dobby or both of them. "Here, eat, Potter."

Harry reached out to grab a bottle of butterbeer and sipped at it a bit, taking the small plate of treacle tarts Hermione placed in his lap.

"Severus will be fine," Draco said. "Really. He's made it this far…And he's actually got something to live for now. He'll be back and he'll be fine, trust me."

"No offense, but how can I? How can anyone trust anything when it comes to Voldemort?" Harry demanded. "He's always going out there, risking his life every single time he leaves. Every time he goes to him there's a chance he might not come back. He's in the presence of a sadistic, evil bastard. Anything could happen."

"Nothing too bad," Draco said. "He needs Severus too much. Severus is very valuable to him, not only as a spy, but Severus has very important skills. He's one of the most talented wizards among the Death Eaters. The Dark Lord wouldn't get rid of him that easily."

"Draco's right, Harry," Hermione said reassuringly, scooting closer and linking her arm through his. "He'll be fine. Try not to worry, okay? You've got us."

The three ate their snacks and Draco agreed to let Harry and Hermione teach him Muggle Christmas carols. Harry tried to focus on them and the different card games Draco decided he wanted to play, but it was hard to get rid of his nerves entirely. After a few hours, Hermione fell asleep on the couch and Harry figured it was time to let them go.

"You can wake her up and go on to bed," Harry said. "I'll be fine."

"You sure?" Draco asked. "This isn't because I brought out the Exploding Snap cards, is it?"

"No," Harry laughed. "It'll be fine and I don't think Severus will want to deal with company when he gets back."

"Probably right about that," Draco said. He got up and walked over to Hermione and instead of waking her up, leaned down to pick her up into his arms. Harry raised his eyebrow and Draco suddenly looked sheepish. "I'll wake her up when I get up there, but…I'll let her sleep as long as she can. She might be too tired to walk upstairs, anyway."

"Right," Harry said with a smile, watching Draco carry Hermione off.

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Like with his nap earlier, Harry wasn't really aware of going to sleep or dreaming or anything, only of suddenly waking up. The door opened and closed and Harry shot up on the couch, his brain taking a moment to fully wake up while he blinked confusedly around the room. "You could have gone to bed, you know," Severus said quietly, walking over to him, reaching down to help him up.

"I wasn't even trying to go to sleep," Harry admitted. "Just sort of happened."

Severus chuckled and kissed his forehead. "It's 12:03. Happy Christmas."

"Happy Christmas," Harry said, stretching a bit. "You okay?"

"I'm fine," Severus assured him. "He was…Happy."

"Uh oh," Harry said, frowning. Voldemort in a good mood meant Severus didn't have to get hurt…But it also more than likely meant something bad for their side.

"The headmaster isn't worried about it, so I'm sure it'll be fine," Severus said. "Let's go to bed."

Harry nodded, though now that he was awake and Severus was here, he wasn't really tired. He followed Severus to the bedroom, closing the door behind him and watching as Severus took off his robes and stripped down to his underwear before going to the drawer to pull out his pajamas.

"I'm not tired," Harry said before Severus could pull open a drawer.

"You were just asleep," Severus said in mild annoyance.

"Are you tired?" Harry asked instead, shifting nervously on his feet. He watched Severus closely as he hesitated by the drawer. He could feel his pulse quicken, palms beginning to sweat as he thought about what he wanted to do.

"No," Severus replied. "What do you want to do, then?"

Harry opened his mouth to speak, but hesitated. He didn't know how to put what he wanted into words. I want to make love sounded so girly. I want to fuck sounded a bit vulgar. I want to have sex with you just sounded awkward. Severus opened the drawer and pulled out his pajamas and turned to eye Harry patiently, apparently waiting for some sort of answer before deciding what to wear, since he didn't immediately start pulling on his nightclothes. Harry was glad he didn't.

Swallowing and gathering his courage, Harry quickly pulled his shirt over his head and dropped it to the floor, his fingers then moving to fumble with the zipper and button of his pants before pushing them down and off, keeping his eyes on Severus the entire time.

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