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You Will Not Kiss Me	By : Prosperosdaughter Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male > Snape/Remus Views: 22836 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 2
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Chapter List
- 46
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Chapter 47: Deliberations

Snape had spiralled into a dark and hollow place. He was curled up in his bed, and nothing Lupin could say would rouse him. He had raged and cried so hard yesterday, there were no tears left today. But his heart hurt so much he thought it would burst.

He'd allowed himself to dream of a future. After Lily, before Lupin, he'd dreamt no such dreams. He lived from day to day. He planned his lessons; marked the parchments; brewed his potions. Invented some; improved others; published his findings. He had an academic and professional reputation for excellence. He had not planned it, nor had he dreamt of it, but he had worked hard for it for, what else did one do with one's life?

On a personal level, there was nothing he asked for and nothing he expected and nothing he felt he deserved. He sought no-one out. He had no lovers. He had a personal reputation as an unpleasant and cold man. It had been a hollow existence. He didn't know it at the time, but now he did.

Through a maliciously cast enchantment, he had come to know Remus Lupin and he had fallen hopelessly in love in a manner of which he never would have conceived he was capable. He had surrendered himself utterly to physical and emotional adoration. He adored and was adored. He had bathed in its luxury and basked in its warmth. Slowly but surely, he had come to rely on it and thrive on it. He had wrapped up his whole existence in it, planning his life in the short term around the full moon, and planning his life long term for the very first time.

But now the Dark Lord had returned and everything that was in Snape's grasp was about to be ripped away from him. Dumbledore wanted his cover as a Death Eater to be perfect so he had decreed that Lupin could not live with him.

Many years ago, when he was just 10, Lily had found him hiding in the trees by the playground. His father had beaten him badly, his mother was ill and there was no-one to tend his injuries. Lily had taken him home with her, and she and her mother had tended him. He'd refused to go to the Muggle hospital, or co-operate with any type of report to the Muggle authorities, even though Mr. Evans had been fit to burst when he had seen the state of him. Even though he had been in pain, he remembered how warm and safe he had felt at the soft and tender ministrations of Lily and her mother, and the indignant outrage on his behalf by Lily's parents, impotent though he rendered them. No-one had cared for him like that before – until Lupin – Lupin, who promised him a lifetime of love.

He had returned to the Dark Lord as he had been ordered. He had been tortured more than ever before. Yet when he'd returned, Lupin had been there to care for him, to even give him his own magical core to heal him, to make love to him to alleviate his pain.

Could he ever put into words what that had felt like to him? How much stronger he would be as Dumbledore's spy if he knew he would be loved and cared for when he returned home?

Why was Dumbledore's first response to deny him? Why was there no care in his heart for Snape to try to ease his way? Was Snape so very worthless?

He felt so desolate now. He didn't know if he could do what Dumbledore needed him to do – what his own vow required him to do – if he no longer had Lupin. He hugged the covers to himself once more.

oooOOOooo

"Severus, you've lain here for hours. You have to speak to me sooner or later." Lupin sat on the edge of the bed, and stroked Snape's hair gently and sighed heavily. "I suppose that's not true. You don't have to speak to me at all, but we can't help ourselves if you don't." Snape didn't respond, but just curled in on himself more tightly.

"Dearest Severus," Lupin said softly. "I understand it's been too much for you, these past few days. I don't blame you, Severus. It would be too much for anyone. What Voldemort did to you, and then what Albus suggested. All too much."

Lupin straightened the bed clothes around the silent, curled up form and tucked them around him gently.

"Please don't despair like this. I don't know how to help you." His voice was pleading. He sat with Snape for a long time, and then he left the room. Snape slept, far too deeply, retreating from his heartache.

oooOOOooo

And Snape dreamt. They were dark and turbulent dreams.

He dreamt that he and Lupin slipped away. They moved to a small island in the Pacific, practically uncharted. They set up home there. He saw all the detail of it: where and how they lived. Oh, they were so happy. Happy until the Dark Lord found them, found them by tracing the blood bond through the Dark Mark because Dark magic always leaves traces, searching for his servant who refused to answer his summons. He tortured Lupin to insanity in front of Snape, jeering at their pain. Then come the full moon, he watched as the maddened wolf tore Snape apart.

Snape shook himself away from that dream and started again.

He dreamt he and Lupin ran away. They moved to a small island in the Hebrides. It was cold and inhospitable. They didn't care. They were so happy. But Snape sickened. Nothing he or Lupin could do could help him. He weakened and faded, his life force ebbing away bit by bit. Lupin grieved and blamed himself but, as Snape was breathing his last, he begged Lupin's forgiveness as he confessed to Lupin that he had broken an Unbreakable Vow – he deserved his fate ...

Snape awoke, hot tears of shame prickling in his eyes that he could think of betraying his vow to Lily's memory. Eventually, he slept again.

He dreamt that they did not run. He dreamt that Lupin lived in his chambers, secretly so none should know as Snape carried on his everyday business and spied successfully for the Order. Snape was happy, but Lupin faded away with nothing to nourish him other than one man, deprived of all else to the exclusion of that one man's desires. Snape watched him fade, but never complain, fade away to nothing at all ...

Snape awoke, his heart frozen in his mouth, tears tracing down his face.

He dreamt that they did not run. He dreamt Lupin lived at the flat and Snape visited. Snape carried on his everyday business, and spied for the Order. He was followed and his werewolf husband was found out.

No! He stopped the dream in its tracks.

Amelie and Jasper were found by the Dark Lord and their Memory Charms were broken and Snape's husband was discovered. NO!

He was caught by the Dark Lord in a lie and his Occlumency shredded and his husband was revealed. NO! NO! NO!

They were brought before the Dark Lord and delivered to the Death Eaters for sport – for all werewolves were sport for Death Eaters: the type that Malfoy enjoyed, and with Snape now fallen from grace, he and Lupin would be given to Malfoy. Malfoy knew many ways, magical and Muggle, to obtain sexual gratification from the unwilling, and an unwilling couple was Malfoy's favourite pastime. Snape could hear him, as he had heard him brag once before, in his life before this one:

"They are so very co-operative if they have hope," Malfoy sneered, "that they can save the other." He chuckled unpleasantly. "Bless their – idiotic – little - hearts." Never! Snape cried in his sleep.

His eyes shot open. I will do anything to keep you safe, Snape vowed to the sleeping man next to him and watched him sleep, until sleep took him away once more.

oooOOOooo

Snape heard Lupin moving around. Lupin brought a tray of food and a large bowl, a flannel, some soap and towels. He stroked Snape's hair gently again.

"Good morning, Severus my love," he murmured. Snape had not realised so much time had passed. He stroked Snape's face. "I've brought you some breakfast. Will you eat?" Snape did not answer, nor did he move, though he realised he soon must - Lupin would not be fooled that he was still sleeping.

"Hmm. I thought you might be like this. Poppy taught me a rather extraordinary spell, Severus. I'm afraid you won't like it. It's a spell to feed those unable, or in your case unwilling, to feed themselves. For invalids, you see." His tone was still gentle and instructive and light.

"I won't let you fade away from me, Severus. I know you are desperate, but I won't let you leave me. Believe me, I'll play unfairly if I have to. Now will you eat something?"

I don't believe he would do that to me, Snape thought. Not Remus, he wouldn't force me.

"No? Right then," Lupin said quietly. He turned to the tray and muttered an incantation and Snape felt pulp appear in his mouth and then travel down his throat to his stomach. His eyes flew open in shock.

He did! I can't believe he did that!

"Good morning, Severus," Lupin said brightly as he loaded the spoon and pointed his wand at it. "Ready for your next mouthful? Here comes the broomstick ..."

"You ... wouldn't ... dare!" Snape croaked.

"Of course I would, Severus," Lupin smiled. "I just did. And when I've finished feeding you, as you are an invalid, I'm going to give you a bed bath." He gestured to the bowl and towels and soap. "Poppy's taught me how to do that as well. It's rather undignified, I'm afraid." Lupin's face had an odd expression: one of seriousness, but Snape could see Lupin was having difficulty suppressing a grin.

Why the ... he would do it too. Bed bathe me! I don't think so!

Snape shuffled out of his nest of blankets to sit up.

"I'll hex you... into ... next ... week!" he said weakly.

"Frankly, Severus, as weak as you've let yourself become, I doubt it." Lupin passed him a glass of water. With shaking hands, Snape drank deeply, his throat dry and dusty.

"What do you mean?"

"You've been in this bed for days, Severus. Refusing to speak, to eat. No more. You can't sleep this away. We have to confront this – you and me."

"I don't want to ..." Snape said petulantly, and then flinched as he felt more pulp appear in his mouth and slip down his throat. "Stop that!" he snapped, then saw Lupin smile a half smile.

"Eat it yourself, or I will feed you," Lupin said matter-of-factly holding out the bowl and spoon for Snape to take.

"It's foul pap. I'm not eating that!" Snape snapped again. Lupin raised both eyebrows.

"One way or the other, Severus, you're eating this ... it's fortified with vitamins and nutrients ... Poppy's own receipe." Lupin was mashing the pulp with the spoon, barely concealing a smirk.

Snape narrowed his eyes calculatingly at Lupin who merely smiled at him, his smile growing into a grin as he proffered the bowl and spoon again and then looked meaningfully at his wand and raised his eyebrows questioningly – which will it be? they said.

Snape snatched the bowl and spoon with a growl and ate the contents of the bowl, scowling at Lupin as he did so, who matched each scowl with a smile. Lupin passed him a drink again and then banished the tray.

"There," he said. "Will you talk to me now?"

Snape sighed heavily. He knew they had to talk of this. His terrible dreams had impacted on his consciousness heavily. They had shown him some of the horrors he was too afraid to face, but that were a real danger.

"Of course, I will. But I should apologise first, Remus."

Lupin took his hands in his. "No, Severus, you have nothing to apologise for. Nothing at all. Those few days were more than any man could have borne. Too much for your mind and too much for your body. I don't blame you at all for despairing. Merlin's beard, Severus, you'd been tortured!" He leaned forward and stroked Snape's face and Snape leaned into the hand.

"It just became too much for me – going back to the Dark Lord, knowing what awaits me now, and then being told we couldn't be together after all," Snape said. "It is all my nightmares come true." Snape exhaled deeply.

"Tell me what you want to do," Lupin asked, looking at Snape's hands.

"What I want, or what I think we can achieve?" Snape asked. "What I want is to be registered and have you live here. I know we can't. That's why I was so upset. I've thought a lot over the past few days. All different ways we can be together. Everything I think of ends up with you being hurt by the Dark Lord." Snape sat forward and grasped Lupin's hands in his own. "I can't risk that. I love you and need you, but I can't let him hurt you." Snape breathed very deeply for a while as he came to his decision.

"Albus is right," Snape said, his voice flat and unhappy. "You should live at Grimmauld Place. It will be safer than living with me."

Snape stared at Lupin for a long time, at the sad blue eyes that could break his heart. Lupin said nothing, but his eyes said it all.

"It hurts, Severus. What will we do?"

"I know. It hurts me too. If I were brave, I would give you up and walk away and it would keep you safe ..."

"No, Severus, no!" Lupin interjected. Snape shook his head and clutched Lupin's hands tighter in his own.

"But I'm not brave, Remus. I'm a coward. I don't want to give you up. Not now. Not ever, but I have to keep you safe." He had failed before at keeping what he loved safe. He knew the consequences too well. "We will keep the flat for us. We see each other as often as we can, but in secret. No-one must know, that way we can't be betrayed." He waited for Lupin to reply, but he was silent. "If you want to, that is ..." Snape suddenly felt unsure.

"Of course I want to. I Claimed you – while you live, my need for you cannot be put aside by anyone." Lupin stood, stretching his back, thinking things over and then sat again. Lupin leant forward and kissed Snape's mouth and then breathed deeply and laid his hands on Snape's blanket-bound legs. "No-one who knows you, Severus, could ever call you coward." They rested their foreheads against each other, then Lupin inhaled deeply again as he ran his hand lovingly over the bonding circlet on Snape's arm.

"After that Hallowe'en," Lupin said, almost inaudibly, "when I lost my friends, I had no-one. I went from place to place, earning a living as I could, doing my research papers, publishing where I could. I met lots of acquaintances, but never stayed anywhere long enough to make new friends. I had lovers, but nothing meaningful or long-term. I never dared dream that I could ever find someone who would love me to Claim as my own. As for bonding, who could possibly bond with a Dark creature like me? I tried not to despair, but it was hard sometimes not to. I still had more in my life than many did – I had to be grateful.

"Then, a coven of Dark wizards cast enchantments against me to enslave me and destroy me. They enslaved me to you, no matter that that was not intended. By their error, I found the man of dreams I never knew I could have. A passionate, intelligent, powerful wizard – and he loved me!" Lupin whispered and shook his head. "Me, a werewolf." He returned his gaze to Snape, his blue eyes shining. "I never believed I could have such happiness. I allowed myself to dream of a future: our future. It wasn't a complex or intricate dream – just us - together. My heart would feel fit to burst every time I thought of us together. Such a beautiful dream, Severus. I wonder now if I jinxed it – daring to dream the way I have." Lupin picked up Snape's hand and kissed it tenderly, his face infinitely sad.

Snape stared at him in wonder to hear his own story, his hopes and his fears mirrored back to him. He had done it again: always forgetting Lupin's own tragedy when he dwelt upon his own too much; forgetting why they were a perfect fit.

Both had dared to dream. Snape believed it was a dream worth fighting for. It would be hard, but Lupin loved him – of that he had no doubt at all. They would not be parted by Dumbledore or anyone else, but, for now, they would have to be careful.

He sat up and took Lupin's face in his hands and kissed him gently and was kissed back in kind.

"You are my perfect symmetry, Remus," he said quietly.

Lupin got up and held out his hand and took Snape to the bathroom. They showered together, soaping each other to cleanse and to ease each other's tired muscles and then to stroke and entice one another as they kissed passionately and their desire ignited and Snape made love to Lupin braced against the tiled wall, holding his loved one's arms outstretched under his own as he thrust into him, rolling into him deeply and stroking him fervently, both moaning each other's name in pleasure until they came together, always fiercely.

"I will do anything ... anything at all ... to keep you safe," Snape said resolutely as he kissed Lupin's neck and shoulder before turning him to face him as they calmed and kissed as the water beat down on them.

oooOOOooo

They had eaten in the drawing room together at the table for the first time in days, talking over the information previously discovered, but not discussed after Snape had fallen into despair. They had to make their plans now and they set about it with a will. How they would manage to be together for the full moon, keeping the flat, how they would react to each other at the meetings Dumbledore was planning on holding at Grimmauld Place.

"Just follow Black's lead – no-one will think we're a couple then," Snape said sourly.

"No, I won't do that – I won't be rude to you. I wouldn't have done that before and I won't do it now," Lupin said firmly. "Albus wants to Obliviate what Sirius saw in his office, but I think he'll have difficulty."

"Really? Is he adept at resisting Memory Charms?" Snape asked, interested in spite of himself.

"Surprisingly resistant. James once said that both Sirius and Regulus had been trained from a young age by their father – apparently, aptitude for Mind Magic is supposed to be the mark of a pureblood, and no Black should be tricked by it. From what I understood, their training verged on the brutal but I never asked James for more detail. It felt too much like prying. So, I'm prepared for some difficulty there." Lupin's smile looked a little weak.

"I'm nothing but prepared for some difficulty there," Snape retorted. Snape knew that purebloods set a lot of store by Mind Magic. It had been one of the reasons he had been so very interested in Mind Magic and so very keen to master it, back when his being a half-blood meant nothing but shame to him. Indeed, one of the best Occlumens he'd ever met was Black's cousin, Bellatrix Lestrange.

"He spoke of Obliviating Alastor, but that would just be pointless. He'd see the bonding circlets and make the deduction again anyway," Lupin smiled.

Snape snorted. "Albus could spend a lifetime Obliviating the same information from Moody over and over again whilst he still has that magical eye. You're right: it would be pointless. Better just explain the situation to him and hope he never falls into the hands of another Polyjuiced Death Eater," Snape said wryly. "What of your friends from the retreat? Has he found them yet?"

"Were they not your friends also, Severus?" Lupin asked, his eyebrows raised.

"I suppose I didn't think of them that way, no." Snape said, regretting it instantly when he saw a look of hurt flit across Lupin's face. "I mean, well, you know I'm not very amiable – not like you are," he finished weakly.

"Yes, he's found them all. They'll remember me, but not you. Amelie and Jasper believe I have found a contact to make their Potion for them." Lupin sighed. Snape realised Lupin found these memories being eradicated felt as if a part of him were being erased too: that part that had enjoyed being part of a pack with his mate. He should tread more carefully.

"Then there's Gringott's," Lupin said, exhaling heavily. "Albus has no hope there. The goblins will never allow their records to be tampered with, and no employee either. So, Bill's out of bounds. I think Albus is going to speak with him, but I certainly don't think he'd be a risk to us. He's a curse-breaker: mentally very strong, and a man of honour. I trust him. Don't you?"

Snape remembered the young man who had procured their bonding circlets. How could he not trust him? "Yes. Yes, I do," he said, surprising himself.

Snape thought Lupin looked quite weary now. He supposed that subterfuge had become second nature to him during the first wizarding war, but Lupin, with his open nature, must be finding this hard.

"Remus, we need to duel," Snape said as they were preparing for bed.

"You shouldn't harbour a grudge because I fed you two spoonfuls, Severus. I was caring for you," Lupin laughed.

Snape rolled his eyes and replied, "We need to train," he drawled as if speaking to an idiotic student. Then he turned to face Lupin, and stroked his chin. "I've given a lot of thought to what happened to Potter's wand in the graveyard. I think we can enchant and train our wands to recognise our bond, in case we must ever duel when I am masked."

Lupin looked thoughtful. "Yes, I suppose that's a distinct possibility," he said quietly. "Where?"

"The Room of Requirement. Do you know it?" Snape asked.

"The Come and Go Room! Of course. Couldn't plot the damn thing on our map, no matter what we tried." Lupin laughed at the recollection. "It drove us wild. Standing in that room when we'd even asked it to be a plottable map room and still not being able to plot it or even ourselves!"

Snape rolled his eyes. "It doesn't exist until called into existence, of course it's unplottable, Remus."

"Now, now Severus. We were only school boys. We didn't know about different dimensions and veils then. Did you?" Lupin said, challengingly, with one eyebrow raised.

Snape snorted. "Possibly not." His face softened once more. "Let's start tomorrow then. It's the Leaving Feast the day after and, I dare say, Albus will be keen to see us on our separate ways."

As unhappy as Snape was with the compromise he and Lupin had agreed, at least he felt they had wrested a degree of control of it from Dumbledore and planning for Lupin's protection gave him purpose and challenged him.

He was doing something useful now. They could bond their wands to put on a good show, but not hurt each other. He could also ensure that by training, he kept Lupin alert to Death Eater tricks of duelling. He wanted to test Lupin's Occlumency and, maybe, teach him Legilimency ... or at least one very specific type, just for them.
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You Will Not Kiss Me