Chapter 6

Return to Hogwarts

"Hello," said a small squeaky voice. Taya looked around in mild surprise at hearing the unknown voice. Then she caught the sight of the mirror. A largish gilt one hanging on the wall next to the door leading to the bathroom.

"Oh," she replied.

"You look tired. Long journey?"

"Yes." Taya felt slightly foolish conversing with a mirror. She knew talking mirrors existed but never before had she seen one.

"I expect you will want to get some beauty sleep. You know, lack of sleep can cause havoc to your complexion. I recommend a nice long soothing bath. Remember to use moisturiser afterwards."

"Yes," Taya was mildly amused and gazed at her reflection smiling. The mirror chucked.

"It’ll take a bit of getting used to."

"Yes it will."

"I mean exfoliating."

"Oh."

"Good for the pores. I suggest it you know. I’m good with beauty tips. Just ask." Taya turned away and noticed a yet another door smaller than the other, which led into a small workroom. A polished desk stood at the corner with a large over stuffed leather chair facing. Bookshelves covered the walls, devoid of any books at this point. All her books and heavier items Taya couldn’t carry herself would arrive tomorrow.

She dropped her cloak onto the bed and slumped down into one of those most comfortable looking chairs.

"You know, I used to live in a beauty salon," said the mirror ending its conversation. Taya poured herself a cup of tea and ate a little sponge cake befretiretiring to bed.

  

Taya awoke early. She slept well but immediately felt consternation at the prospect of joining the other professors in the staff room. She was a little confused why she hadn’t sensed Professor Snape. A pain in the pit of her belly told her something that she didn’t necessarily want to here.

In one way she didn’t want to see him again yet another feeling bit at her, what if he was no longer here? Perhaps he wasn’t here after all, perhaps he had left, had finally found someone. She would have to ask somebody if she didn’t see him soon. Fear welled up inside her then a horrible thought came to her mind. What if the potions master’s finally gone madh loh loneliness and pain? Oh Heavens this is silly. Must compose myself.

He might already be in there, she thought as she stopped outside the staff room door. Something lurched in her stomach. Its only butterflies, she told herself. Nerves. Only nerves. Once inside you’ll be okay.

Someone brushed passed her. Taya looked up, seeing nobody she frowned then looked down, a small man hastily started through the doorway. He looked up at seeing her.

"Better hurry up dear, the Headmaster will want to start in five minutes." The small man suddenly beamed and recognised her. "Miss Matterson what a pleasant surprise to see you again." Taya watched as the small person rose a few feet off the floor and came to a stop facing her.

"Professor Flitwick, likewise." she said smiling back. He extended his hand and Taya shook it.

"Come iome ome come, make yourself at home." Taya stopped at the doorway and gazed around. The tiny man hovered over to a vacant chair, its seat propped up by a surplus amount of cushions. He sat down and rested his tiny arms on the surface of a large polished round table.

"He was drawn into it for reasons I’m not really familiar. I know that he lived with a family of Death Eaters for a while as a boy but... I believe Severus Snape had a good enough reason. Not because he wanted fame, glory, revenge, perhaps it came into it, but from what I can gather it was the only family he ever really had. He may not look like it but Severus is a sensitive soul. Under all that armour." Her eyebrows flew up in amazement.

"I don’t understand."

"I really shouldn’t be telling you this but since...Well Severus grew up in a Muggle orphanage for a time then ended up living with that family who had a grown up son. A terrible place it was, depravity, the worst kind, and they were the blackest of dark witches and wizards there were. Those were dark times you know. Many orphan children ended up living in dark wizarding families. We brought him here, to Hogwarts, gave him an education gave him choices." Dumbledore sighed deeply. "Unfortunately he picked the wrong ones. But neither the less here he is now."

"Has he ever talked to you about his time as a Death Eater?"

"Very little. No personal information. For a time he was a spy for us, until Voldemort’s defeat. You are going to have to ask him. I have no more information to tell." Taya smiled and bid farewell for the afternoon.

Her days at Hogwarts were pleasant enough, the children mostly behaved themselves and she found that she enjoyed their company as well as the other teachers. But the one person she had vowed to get closer too even if perhaps a mutual understanding avoided her at all costs.

He only spoke to her in the confinements of their work subjects; nothing was discussed on a personal level.

As her sixth year class left one student stopped and gazed up at her, the girl’s clear blue eyes settled onto Taya’s with a questioning gaze.

"Miss, do you love him?" Came an unexpected question. Taya’s own eyes widened, then she forced surprise to leave her face.

"Love who Miss Appletoff? Whom are you referring to?” The girl smiled weakly.

"Professor Snape, Miss." Taya was slightly taken aback. How could one of her students possibly know about her feeling for Severus? She pondered for a moment. Had the girl seen an adoring expression on her face when talking to him? Surely not. Taya kept her emotions in check when at least out in public view.

"Oh-" She frowned at herself and rubbed her head. After a moment or too she looked directly at the sixteen year old blond haired girl staring with a puzzled expression. "You shouldn’t be asking question’s like that," commented Taya angrily as she began retrieving her books.

The girl began to turn away.

"Wait, your telepathic aren’t you?"

"Yes Miss."

"Wasn’t your grandmother the famous aura Madame Teresiana Appletoff?"

"Yes, Miss. She was. I’ve inherited some of her abilities."

"Then you should know not to read other people’s minds."

The girl nodded and gazed at the floor. "Off you go now. I have a lot to do, and keep your mind on your own business." As the girl went to step through the doorway Taya called out, "I would appreciate it if you didn’t mention this or you might find yourself loosing a rather excess amount of house points." She didn’t like to sound sharp with any of the students but when her personal feelings were in jeopardy of being spread around the school she had no choice.

She watched her go and plonked herself down behind the desk. Lucy Appletoff had addressed a question she had began to wonder herself lately. He was still as miserable, stubborn and nasty as she remembered him and she still loved him, perhaps even more so despite his deliberate avoidance’s. What was she going to do about Severus? She sighed deeply and absently slid a quill between her fingers, caressing the feather.

Her mind seemed to wander into a fantasy, a dream that could only be realised if she took the step now. Severus Snape would never take it upon himself to turn to her. She knew then that it was completely up to her to win him over, to eradicate the self inflicted torture he was forever projecting onto himself, and causing grievance on others, namely herself.

She pulled herself out of her daydream and stood up. In her mind she was debating on what to do next.

She had left him alone as he had requested. It had been four weeks since Taya arrived at Hogwarts. She marvelled on how he managed to keep his feelings locked inside when previously, the battering of uncontrolled waves of raw emotion was quite literally pounded into her brain, but now after so long, his control was faltering. She sensed that, and he was struggling.

She too was struggling, struggling between releasing him from his hellish prison of torment and the growing desperation for his touch. She would achieve neither if she left him to his own devices.

Taya straightened her robes, ran a hand through her untamed hair and left the classroom. She proceeded down the deserted corridor. Most of the students by now were safely in their common rooms or dormitories, but a few mingled here or there. There were a couple in the great hall.

It was getting late. Teatime was less than an hour away she had time to do what she must and she had put her heart into succeeding.

By the time she got to the dungeons she wondered whether Severus would still be inside. Sure enough he was sat deep in concentration at his desk evidently marking student assignments. He didn’t look up when she quietly entered the room and stood silently near the door, a distance from him. She was the first to break the uncomfortable silence.

"Severus, we need to talk," she whispered.

"Did Dumbledore send you? He has a penchant for offering me assistance." Severus frowned. "That which I don’t need!" He added a little too louder than he actually meant to.

"No," she whispered. A little white lie wouldn’t hurt and besides, she mainly came to visit him because she wanted to anyway.

"I’ve nothing to say," he murmured without looking up.

"But I do." There was a long silence before Severus finally lifted his head and gazed at her through narrowed eyes.

Gods, she’s beautiful, he thought. His tone of voice was different to the one in his head. "Then say it, but be swift."

"I want to show you something."

"Can’t you see I am busy? I have papers to mark," he said scowling with indigence. She smiled weakly and walked passed the rows of empty school desks stopping only when she came to his. She reached out her hand and lightly stroked his cheek. Severus recoiled in alarm, the quill pen he was holding slid from his hand and dropped to the floor and he nearly sent flying the red bottle of ink in his haste to pull away.

"Does it really cause you that much distress?" He swallowed; fighting the irrational rush of fear as it quickly rose and settled in the pit of his stomach. "Even a simple touch," she whispered with a sad smile.

She knelt down beside him to retrieve the quill, and then placed it onto the surface of his desk. Sensing his unease at her closeness she drew a step back when she saw the eyes. Her heart seemed to press deeper into her chest, thumping madly.

The maternal instinct to reach out and comfort him took a hold of her; Taya struggled to subdue it while feeling a subtle yet familiar tugging at her soul and brain. He really was that scared she realised.

"Why are you afraid of me? The last thing I want to do is scare the living day lights out of you." He remained quite and picked up the quill, absently stabbing the nib onto blotting paper. After a time he looked up, but avoided eye contact.

"What would you have me say Miss Matterson?"

Why did he feel like this? This fear. In his dreams he allowed her to touch him anywhere but in reality... that was quite a different matter altogether.

"I don’t know."

There was silence, only the sounds of birdsong drifting through a high up narrow window and the far away voices of children as they passed in the corridors. Severus Snape looked up expecting to see that she had left him in peace. He scowled in remorse when he saw that she was still standing there. Her hands clasped leisurely in front of her.

"Don’t be too surprised that I don’t immediately come running into your arms," he murmured sarcastically.

"I wouldn’t dream of it,” she said with a smile. "Look, why do you keep shutting people out when they want to help you?"

"You really don’t have any idea, do you my dear? Any inkling. Have you not heard the rumours? I’m sure you heard a few while as a student here yourself. Shall I list them?”

"You really don’t have to-"

"I’m a vampire, had a troubled childhood, I eat children - that is a rather more imaginative idea don’t you think? My mother was a fallen angel, I’m a Death Eater, I’m a spy, I’ve raped, maimed and murdered. Fairies bewitched my mother. A lost love. There are many others that I have heard through the years, some quite remarkable, often amusing. Speculation about me doesn’t get you anywhere Miss Matterson."

"I don’t believe half about what they say, you deliberately keep it that way so no one can touch you. Why?"

"Because there are things no one should ever know. Even you. You’ve seen into me, however briefly. I do not wish to push my own experiences on another."

"Even a friend. Sometimes it helps to talk about-"

"Especially a friend. I would not wish it upon my worst enemy, the life I have had to endure." Maybe perhaps Sirius Black, he pondered then another memory resurfaced.

"Severus?"

"Severus?" He abruptly came back to the present and realised tears had formed, but not yet released. Taya’s hand was on his arm steadying him.

"Please let me into your world," she whispered.

Severus got up and edged as far away as possible then stopped.

"If I ever even contemplated letting you see me for who I really am I’m not sure that you could...handle it. Or I for that matter," he murmured. "I can’t."

"Why?"

"Because it wouldn’t be fair on you. You remember what happened?"

"Well, yes, but that was years ago, I’ve grown since then. I’m not a child any more. I think I’m prepared. I wasn’t then." She took a step closer and reached out brushing cautious fingers to his lips. His skin felt like ice. For a second she felt the onslaught of horrifying, angry/bitter feelings and tragic memories. She recoiled in disgust.

"You see," muttered the professor. She realised that it had taken a great deal of strength to let her see that much into his mind.

Mentally she shrugged off the repulsive images and forced herself to grasp his shoulders pulling him closer and slide her hands over the heavy black fabric that covered his chest. His eyes were wide, lips parted slightly. She heard his breath catch in his throat.

For a second he did nothing, and he made her wonder briefly if he actually enjoyed the feeling of her hands on him, but apparently not because he twisted out her grasp and hastily pulled his cloak around himself, gazed at her for a moment perhaps to long because he swiftly left the potions classroom without saying another word.

Not long after he had left Taya dropped down into the chair and began to cry softly for the broken man who in her soul she heard weeping night after night. How would she ever get through to him? How could she ever ease those images in her mind and smother her own self-doubts? How would she ever shatter the wall he built around himself and break him away from sexual repression? It would do him the world of good to let out all that frustration if only he would let her help.

She wiped her eyes and was preparing to leave when something caught her attention. She carefully slid the envelope from under the heavy books resting on the table turned it over in her hand and noticed in surprise it was addressed to her.

Hastily she pocketed it and left for her quarters.