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Never Been Kissed	By : TheLadyFeylene Category: Harry Potter > General > General Views: 2318 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, nor any of the characters from the books or movies. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 4
- 5
Disclaimer: Characters not mine, neither is the song. I'm making no money off of this, please don't sue! Oh, and slash. Beware!

Dedication: To Kitten. I am soooooooooo sorry! Please forgive me....

Author's Note: I was depressed, and listening to music when this came upon me. I was sitting, thinking that this series was over, and it it ended with them going their separate ways. Then I was listening to 'After he War' by Paul Gross and David Keeley, and it just hit me....

This is written in a different style then the others. This is actually more of a follow-up then a continuation...and epilogue you could say. It turned out a hell of a lot different then I thought it would, and I am sorry. You may not like the way it ends, but this is it. I will be writing up a bit from the other one's perspective that takes place a little bit before this one, though.

After the War

//After the guns fall silent.//
//after my wounds have healed//
//after all these crosses have been planted on the field//
//After that long boat ride across the sea//
//and after this train carries me://
//I will love you after the war//
//Love you for always, and evermore.//
//AI will love you after the war.//
//For always, forever, and more.//

I didn't believe it, when I first heard it. I just sort of sat there, numbly. There was a big announcement, and it sort of seemed like nobody was really all that surprised. There was a dull hush, almost expectant. It was as if the whole great hall was saying 'yes? And...' But that wasn't the first time I'd heard it. I got the news strait, from Dumbledore. He'd gotten...there had been an owl for me. I'd missed it, I had slept late. It went to the head of house, of course, who saw who it was from. And then it was just handed over to Dumbledore, no respect for anyone's privacy...

I never thought of this. I'd never lived in a time of war before, and that's what this is, isn't it? It's a war. The classic good versus evil and all of that. I'd never thought about it in a personal sense, not really. Maybe in some vague, obscure way. But so far nothing had really touched me, not this year anyway. I was more concerned with other things. My grades, my social standing, my sad love life...

Sad. What an apt word. Apt? Did I just use the word apt. Oh well. Even if I did think of the war in some vague way connected to me, I never thought of it connected to him. Why not? I knew he was involved, even though we never talked about it. Why should we? It was an unspoken trust. I won't bring it up if you won't sort of thing. I guess we would have hit upon it eventually, if things had continued.

We never spoke again, after that detention in Hagrid's hut. We went our separate ways, and that was that. We exchanged a sort of knowing glance over breakfast the next morning, and our cool exchange in the hallway afterwards said it all. We were through. It couldn't go on, not with unrequited love hanging over our heads. There is no surer way to kill a relationship, then for one party to profess love too soon.

I wish things had been different. I wish I had handled the whole thing differently. I wonder if I'm to blame, at all, for what's happened. I know I shouldn't think like that, I know ths nis nit point and it's stupid and of course *I* had nothing to do with it. But there's that nagging doubt that just won't leave me alone. I shouldn't bother. I shouldn't care. It's his fault.

I noticed, when he left school. The only explanation that was given was 'family issues'. Family issues? No one believed that. Everyone whispered behind their hands and spoke in hushed voices about what he was really doing. I kept myself out of it. I wasn't going to defend him, but at least I didn't join in. I wasn't that cruel. I wondered if I'd ever see him again, or if he'd just never come back. I told myself that was stupid, of course he'd be back. As insufferable as ever, and things would go back to normal.

Normal. There's no such thing as normal in my life. Hasn't been, since I started school. I never minded much, it made life interesting. Now I wish my life wasn't so bloody 'interesting'.

Dumbledore had been kind about it. He called me to his office...I'd never been there before. Oh, I'd heard of it, but hearing and being are two different things. There was no explanation, either. I started to get worried. I hadn't done anything to get in trouble, had I? McGonagall took me there, led me up the moving staircase and into the round room. Dumbledore was sitting there, looking tired. I'd never seen him tired before, not that I paid much attention.

"Please, sit." He said. I swallowed nervously, and sat down. I was fidgeting. I wanted to know what was going on.

"Sir?" I asked, my voice a pathetic squeak.

"You...received an owl this morning."

I frowned. All of this over a missed letter? That didn't make any sense, it could have just been dropped off in my dorm. Why take me out of class to give it to me? Or was it bad news...had something happened to someone in my family? I almost choked as all sorts of horrid scenarios flashed before my eyes.

"Here." Dumbledore handed it to me, and I could see it had already been opened. I felt a sudden flare of anger. He had opened my letter! But he was the headmaster, and that was his right. The address on the front was neat and almost feminine, but in a messy sort of way. I flipped it over, and gasped. I kne that crest well, even broken. Why was *he* writing me?

//Aft rem remember all the words I couldn't say//
//And after this long night fades away...//

Dear Ron,

They say that letters allow us to write things we would never dare say aloud. I find this to be true. I regret many things. The first and foremost however, is what passed between us. I am not pleased with how it ended. I am not please that it ended at all. It is, I assure you, entirely my fault. Had I been as open and honest with my feelings as you were, we would not be where we are now.
I am sorry I did not say good bye to you. I do not think I will be returning to Hogwarts this year. I trust you can figure out why. We never spoke of politics, and with good reason. I am very much my fathers son, as I am sure you know. I try to be, at least. I think we simply chose the wrong time to come together.
I do not know how things will end. But once they do, I would like to try again. I feel the same way for you as you do for me...or as you did, a few months ago. If your feelings have changed, however, I understand. I do not expect you to wait for me.
Writing this has made me realize something. I stated a few lines ago that I am my father's son. In many ways I am. I am proud and dignified and strong willed. But I don't think I am cast from quite the same mold. Perhaps you were a good influence on me, or perhaps you've simply made me look at things in the light. We know what we are taught, Ron, and I am sure you can imagine what I have been taught. But simply because we are told something does not make it true. If I truly believed half the things I say and claim to rally behind, I would have either beaten you within an inch of your life or raped you that day. For some reason I just wanted you to know all this. Perhaps a part of me is hoping to sway you into rekindling your feelings for me. It would be in my nature, to confess my soul to you in hopes of winning you over.
I cannot write much more. Father mustn't know of this, you understand. Please do not write back, he's angry with me enough as it is. I still think of the last kiss we shared, and everything else. It makes my heart sick, I think. I've never been in love before, and in all honesty I don’t think I care for it all that much. But I find myself wanting nothing more then all of this to be over, and to be back with you, to take you in my arms and make love to you as I've wanted to do so many times.
I make myself sick with the dribble I've written. Burn this stupid letter for all I care, I just had this overwhelming need to get all of that out. Now it is, and I leave things in your hands. Till we meet again,

Love always,
Draco

I stared down at it, tears springing to my eyes. He loved me? The stupid little bastard *loved* me? Then why the hell hadn't he just said so? When I opened up to him, and told him I loved him, why couldn't he just say it back? But no...he had just gotten all weird, and then sad, and then said some snide little remark and that had been it. I still did love him, too. Even after all of that, I hadn't stopped. He had once told me I was the first person who had ever been nice to him.
Why was his father angry with him? He had told me how his father treated him, which was pretty much like a punching bag. Something to beat on to get a few kicks. I shuddered, thinking about that. I'd seen the bruises and scares and stuff. His father was a sick bastard.

He wanted to try again. That's the part that really got to me. I did, too. Harry had kept telling me that things would work out, I had to be patient, but I think he was just saying that to be friendly. I shrugged it off like I didn't care, but it had killed me inside. It was my own fault, though. I knew I shouldn't have said anything, but I had...

"Huh?" I realized Dumbledore had been speaking. I looked up from the letter, and I could feel tears beginning to leak out of the corners of my eyes. Damn it, I wouldn't cry! Not in front of the Headmaster...

"I was asking if you were aware...of Mr. Malfoy's...political affiliation?" Dumbledore asked kindly. So was that what this was? Lecturing me over dating the son of a Death Eater?

"I know he's a supporter of You-Know-Who, if that's what you mean." I said, offhandedly. Everyone knew that! "But Draco...you read the letter..."

"Yes, I know that young Malfoy...I know that a difference of views..." Dumbledore sighed, and folded his hands. I wanted to be out of there, gone...

"Look, if this is some sort of lecture, sir, my life is my own..."

"No, Ron...I wish that it were." Dumbledore held up his hand, and his voice was kind and quiet, and my heart started beating really hard in my chest. I ignored it, my hands closing tighter on the letter. I wanted to be gone. Now! "Voldemort demands unswerving loyalty from his followers." Dumbledore continued, still talking real nice like. I didn't even wince when he said the name, I was too busy trying to not project ahead in the conversation. "If there is something that he does not like that is attached to one of his followers...he removes it."

I couldn't listen. My heart felt like it was going to leap out of my chest. My throat was dry, and I couldn't breathe right. My mind was blank, and I stared strait ahead, looking at some spot on the wall.

"Draco made what was ultimately the right choice." Dumbledore looked at me, but I wouldn't return his gaze. I knew what he was saying, but I didn't want to hear the words.
"Please.." I think I croaked, but I could hardly get the word out.

"I am sorry Ron. But I hope it helps you some, knowing that he died with a clear conscious.

It didn't, Nothing would help. It couldn't be true...Draco couldn't be dead. He had to come back, the same arrogant little prick he had always been. We were going to try again...

"You are excused from classes today, of course." The headmaster continued. I don't think I really heard him. I knew what he said, but that was all. "I am truly sorry, Ron. Had I known beforehand he was not following in his father's footsteps..." He trailed off, and I felt a surge of anger. I wanted to yell at him, shake him, scream at him...but I couldn't. There was nothing inside, it was all dead and dry and cold. It was like a big cold hand had just grabbed my heart and stomach, and squeezed. I had never felt anything like it.

I know I got out of the chair, and went back to my dorm, because I woke up there later. But I don't remember doing it. Everything was that cold, grey fog. I couldn't even cry, not at first. It hurt to much to cry, and I think I was still in shock. I'd never lost anyone I loved before.

I slept all day. Or at least I lay in my bed with my mind not doing anything. I felt hollow, and empty, and like I would never smile again. I think I had all sorts of suicide urges. The only reason I didn't do it was because I didn't have the strength, and by the time I did have the strength, the urges had passed.

The Great Hall was the worst. I stared down at my plate when Dumbledore made the announcement. There were a few startled cries from the Slytherin's, but that was all. It wasn't like when Cedric had died. People had liked Cedric. Well what about Draco? People may have liked Cedric, but I loved Draco! Didn't that mean anything? I started to cry. Softly at first, tears just running down my face in streams. Then I began to sob. I didn't care who saw me, or what they thought. And then I couldn't stop. I just kept remembering everything we'd been through...the night in the tower, the few days that followed, and that last afternoon...I never even said goodbye!

I was dimly aware of someone putting their arm around my shoulders and leading me out of the Great Hall. I feel against the wall, burying my face in my hands. I couldn't stop the sobs. They washed over me, consuming me. They started way down deep in my belly, rising up through my chest to explode in great gasps. The arm was still around me, offering me comfort without question. Memories assaulted me. One stood out, among all others:

"No one has ever treated me like a person, Ron. You do."

So there you go, Draco. Wherever you are now, you have that. Someone treated you like a person, and someone loved you. And when all of this is over, we will be together, and we will try again...I promise...

//After this blackbird lifts off from my chest//
//after my tak takes its rest//
//My love forgive me,//
//I never planned to die.//
//And love, put two pennies on my eyes.//

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Never Been Kissed