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Five Fragments of an Obsidian Heart	By : bitterfig Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male Views: 1266 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, nor any of the characters from the books or movies. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
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5. Severus Snape

                �Why do you want me?� Severus asked. He�d asked me so many times. His long, bony fingers touched my cheek. Even after we had been together for several months, there was still something tentative in his touch. He expected to be rebuffed.

                I took his hand in mine. It was calloused and stained from years of grinding herbs and mixing potions. He was only twenty years old, but he already had the hands of a man who had worked all his life. He was ashamed of this. He tried to pull his hand away from me. I wouldn�t let him, I kissed his fingertips. I kissed his palm and closed his fingers around the kiss.

                �You�re so lovely, Regulus,� he sighed. �You could have anyone you wanted.�

                �I have,� I said. �I�ve had everyone, but it wasn�t what I wanted.�

                Severus thought we were mismatched, very different from one another. That I was beautiful and he was ugly, that my life had been as easy as his had been hard, that he was a monster and I was an angel. I didn�t see things like this at all. I thought we were very much alike, both of us monstrous and angelic, both of us deeply wounded in ways we could never tell.

                We had different ways of dealing with our wounds. He kept himself aloft, maintained control, made himself cold and heartless and hard. I shot heroin and drank too much. I lost myself in what other people wanted me to be.

                I wanted him because he was my mirror, and I knew that if I could break through his defenses, I could break through my own. If I could teach him to feel, I could save myself. If I could heal his wounds and save him from bitterness, I could save myself.

                If we two could love, damaged as we were, then such as thing as love existed.

                I believed this, believed it so strongly that I gave up Sirius. I told him we couldn�t be together anymore. That there would be no more illicit meetings, no more sex on his terms. It was the first time I�d ever refused my brother anything it was in my power to give.

                Severus Snape didn�t want to have a heart, a soul, or even a body. He hated his body; he always wore concealing black robes. If we were among Muggles, he wore an old-fashioned three-piece suit and tie covering him from his throat downward. If he could have, he would have worn gloves as well�gloves and a mask. When we were together, I had to undress him; he could not do it himself in my presence.

                He was painfully thin. He didn�t like to eat. It made him feel weak, to give into hunger. If he could resist it, he proved to himself that he was strong, that he was in control. He flinched when I touched his ribs, the shelf of his hip bones. His skin was always cold, a pale bruised grey. I wanted to fold him into my body, to cushion those bones; though the truth was I could offer him little comfort. I was becoming nearly as skinny as he was. My drugs were eating away at me.

                Severus could be caustic, he could be cruel. He fought me every inch of the way. He fought to maintain his icy distance. He fought to keep himself untouchable. Even though he loved me, even though he wanted me, even though he wanted to be whole, he didn�t know how not to fight. I had to be relentless, but I was careful with him. I knew how hard it was for him to open himself, how hard it was for him to feel.

                He was so scared the first few times we were together, trembling and panicked. The first time he took me, he had to hide behind his Death Eater�s mask, cover himself with the face of a skull. He was that ashamed of giving in to pleasure. The first time I took him, we were face to face and he screwed his eyes shut as I eased into him, his fingers digging into my shoulders, his legs clenched against my hips.

                �Look at me, Severus,� I said when I was inside him, as I began to slowly move. I reached between us, stroking him. �Open your eyes.� He did. He had large, almond shaped eyes, black as obsidian, wide with fear.

�I won�t hurt you, Severus,� I promised him. �I would die before I did anything to hurt you.� I brushed the dark hair from his forehead, kissed him there. �I love you,� I whispered. He whimpered like a child and I felt wet warmth as he came in my hand. He pressed his face against my neck trying to hide that he was crying.

Being a Death Eater was destroying him. Voldemort�s hold leeching away everything that was good in him. It was destroying me as well. I was asked to hurt others. I was asked to kill. I did not realize I had principles till I was called upon to violate them.

We had to get out.

Severus was fairly important in the Death Eaters and, therefore, under scrutiny. I was a minor player, beneath notice and this, coupled with my ability to shield my thoughts through Occlumency, gave me the freedom to plan our escape undetected by the Dark Lord.

�Don�t trust your cousin,� Severus warned me. �If she thought it would earn her a moments notice from Voldemort, Bellatrix Lestrange would happily rip out your heart.�

I was sure he was wrong about Bella. He didn�t know her like I did. I couldn�t leave the Death Eaters without giving her the chance to break loose herself.

It was not the first time I had misplaced my trust.   It was the last.

It�s funny. I�d always said what people wanted to hear�my mother and father, Sirius, so many lovers. I�d always given people exactly what they wanted, but even during hours of torture, I wouldn�t reveal the measures I�d taken against Voldemort and I wouldn�t admit that Severus knew anything about my plans to leave.

I had taught Severus enough Occlumency that he could hide what he knew. I hadn�t told Bellatrix he was involved. He, at least, could still survive. Not that Voldemort would take my word, or Severus�, that he was loyal. Proof was required.

They brought me before Severus, threw me at his feet. Voldemort stood behind him,

�Kill him,� the Dark Lord said. �Or you both die.�

Severus� eyes were wide and wild with feeling and I could almost feel Voldemort�s breath on the back of his neck.

His lips moved soundlessly. �Forgive me.� I shut my eyes and hung my head. He killed me.

After I died, Severus Snape became untouchable, a bitter mask. I had wanted so much more for him but, in the end, the best I could manage was to keep him alive. After I died, he had no more lovers for fifteen years until, amidst hateful words and conflict, he and my brother joined viciously in the run-down kitchen of the house where I grew up.

Number twelve, Grimmauld Place�where Sirius and I used to walk in the gardens holding hands. Where he handed me a purple and gold iris he had picked from mother�s prize beds and kissed me on the cheek saying, �you�ll always be my favorite person in the whole world, Reggie.�
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Five Fragments of an Obsidian Heart