Adult-FanFiction.org : Harry Potter

Cauldron To Conflagration	By : LordYouko Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male > Remus/Sirius Views: 9338 -:- Recommendations : 2 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter and make no money from the writing of this fic

Chapter List
- 4
- 5
A/N:
*peeks
out from under covers* Umm�don�t kill me please? *blinks
innocently* Big apology for the loooooooooonnnnng
wait. Thank you all so much for reading this story and sticking with me.
I hope you are all still reading this.
�Enjoy!
Chapter
5 - Monster
Without once looking back, Remus fled.
Damn Sirius� for evoking emotions he had sought
never to feel again. Damn him and his storm coloured eyes that always looked at
him as though they were reading all his secrets�damn him for finding something
out that took him years to hide.
The sun was already low in the sky and in the
semi-twilight, no one took notice of the figure in black fleeing through the
grounds. Remus�s feet automatically took him through the path through the whomping willow into the Shrieking Shack.
By the time he crashed through the deceptively small
and frail looking entrance of the shack, tears were gathering at the corners of
his eyes. His chest felt heavy and his breaths came in harsh pants but it was
not because of physical exertion.
Damn Sirius for whirling up things right before the
transformation. A wolf�s emotions were so much more volatile than a man�s, so
much harder to control.
Body trembling, he stumbled to a stop, head bowed
under the weight of everything that had happened.
Everything that he had kept bottled up inside for
so, so long welled up in him like an irrepressible tide and Remus let his knees
hit the splintered wooden floor of the shack. His hands slammed on the wood,
clenching air, ragged sobs beginning to burst forth from his throat.
How ironic was it that he, who thought he�d mastered
himself, who he thought was immune from the childish allure of friendship and
love was taken in by the rich, careless brat who he�s thought he despised, who
had hundreds of broken hearts at his feet and yet, of all people, he pursued
this�this wolf-boy who was all the more fragile for everything that he tried to
hold together.
The longing that he hadn�t allowed his human heart
to feel pulsed through him so powerfully that it was painful. Tightly shut eyes
remembered Sirius�s alluring smile, Sirius�s eyes when he�d held his hand,
Sirius�s face when he laughed, Sirius�s lips as they dominated his own�
There was a ripping sound as Remus�s back hunched,
wolf muscles bunching under his skin. Painful spasms racked his body as everything
that he had held bottled up burned through his veins in protest, making the
transformation that much more painful.
Lethal fangs elongated out of his mouth and sliced
his lips as he tried to keep them closed.
How sad that the boy he was attracted to wanted him too, except he didn�t know what he was asking
for. Cool, daring Black probably thought being a werewolf was like having an
annoying tic once a month. Did he think he was being gallant, letting him know
he knew his secret and still wanted him? Whatever he had studied and wherever
he had been , Sirius Black had no idea what he was
dealing with. No amount of books can ever explain what it�s like to have a
monster inside of you.
Remus�s vision cleared and the world came into sharp
focus, everything visible clearly even in the dull, moonlight night. Breathing
ragged, the werewolf stared around the hated room that he had found himself
every time since Remus had come to this godforsaken school. Before that, it had
been a dark basement every bit as confining as this, except for the window,
except for the moon that hovered tantalizingly in the sky, calling him with her
seductive call.
Remus snarled and launched himself onto the walls,
eyes bleeding red at the unfairness of it all, of always having the thing he
most wanted dangled before his eyes, making him know he could never have it.
The wind blew in, bringing with it, the alluring scent of the forest, of home
and all Remus could do was gnash his teeth, and claw at the walls of the shack,
fortified with magic to hold a werewolf in. This was why wolves were never
meant to have human emotions; because they felt everything- joy and distress �
physically. Every last regret that Remus had buried in his heart, every
longing, every feeling that he had hidden from himself flowed through the veins
of the animal that nature had meant to run freely through the night, without
ever being bound.
A horse eventually accepted a rider, a dog craved a
master but a wolf was meant to live solitary, dependent on no one, strong and
free. It didn�t help that the human trapped inside of him was too frightened to
let the wolf take full control of the body, even after the transformation and
Remus�s fear made rippling muscles rigid, the wolf warring with the human and
destroying the fragile body in the process.
The wolf�s arms went around his body in a sad parody
of a hug and claws that were meant to rend the flesh of its prey left bleeding
gashes in their wake.
Remus�s breathing slowed a little as the pain
centred his attention, helped him focus his tempestuous mind that he sometimes
feared he would lose control of entirely. Pain was better than being driven
insane by this monster, by losing himself to this wolf that Remus was sure
would like nothing more than to destroy everything it chanced upon; it did a
very good job of destroying his own body, after all. It was only right that he
was kept captive in this shack where it could not hurt others, those he held
dear.
Sirius�s face flashed into his mind and his
breathing quickened again, pain squeezing his heart again.
Sirius Black, with his laughing eyes, was born into
a rose tinted world with a silver spoon in his mouth. Eyes like that could
never see the pain of someone who fights who they are, every day of their
lives.
A long, hair raising howl pierced the night air as
the full moon rose slowly in the sky. The people of the Hogsmead
village heard it and scurried to shut their windows. A few, more sensitive
ones, stopped what they were doing for a moment, wondering why there was
something about that sound that made them want to cry.
The wide, red eyes that appeared wild at first glance, flitted around the room, despair beginning to
triumph over anger. Thoughts of death, unable to find an outlet, turned inwards
and the wolf clenched it�s fists, leaving his palms a
bloody mess from the strength of his grip.
The pain cleared his mind a little once again and Remus
became aware of his body trembling with the strength of his longing.
Unseeing eyes remembered his father�s face when he
moved to leave the basement late in the evening after leaving is 7 year old son
in there; he remembered calling out to his papa because he was afraid of the
dark, creepy basement and he remembered his father�s knickles
clenching on the doorknob as he turned, a look tortured pity and helplessness
on his face.
He remembered the sound of the door shutting,
leaving him alone with his demons.
Sharp, thick claws on his forearms brought Remus out
of his memories. The wolf knew to create smaller wounds to avoid the greater
pain�some memories were far more hurtful than any physical wound.
But it wasn�t enough. The memories kept coming, like
the valve bursting on a flooded dam.
He remembered smiling shyly up at a blond boy, a few
days before the night of the full moon, the first boy he�d had a crush on. He
remembered the look of horror and disgust on his face as the boy he�d thought
was his friend turned and fled. The boy had whispered fag, unknowing that the
part-wolf boy had heard.
-The intense, buoying joy he had felt when he�d
gotten his acceptance letter from Hogwarts at age 11, the immense relief
knowing he was wanted somewhere, that he would be going to the famed wizarding school, just like his daddy-
-His father�s despairing face the acceptance letter
in hand, telling him as gently as possible that he probably would not be
allowed to go once they found out what he was-
-His father nursing him as he lay close to death on
the bed in his room after the full moon night that month, having a dangerous
amount of blood from his self-inflicted injuries-
-His father sitting him down and telling him the
school had refused him-
-three years spent, trying to get used to the idea
that he would be a useless, worthless outcast all his life, unworthy of even a
basic education as a wizard.-
- On his 14^th birthday, his father�s
shaking hand as he held another letter from Hogwarts, telling him Dumbledore
had requested an audience with the both of them-
-Dumbledore�s eyes, reading� him as easily as if her were a book-
-the letter from the school
on his 15^th birthday, telling him he�d been accepted-
-learning to keep away from
everyone, shunning the friendship he was so desperate for-
-Sirius standing up for him that day in front of the
bullies-
-Sirius protecting him-
-Sirius pulling him close and kissing him-
Remus Lupin tore at his
body with sharp claws, snarling helplessly at the moon. Tonight, when his most
base urges took over, there was nothing to distract him from all the shadows
that he pushed back during his human days. Wolves don�t have defense mechanisms, after all. Wolves don�t need to be able
to distract themselves from the yawning despair within themselves that
threatened to consume them. Only humans have to do that.
And now, the boy that was neither tried to hold
himself together as pain that he could not ignore became overwhelming. A snarl
full of anguish tore his throat and the werewolf, that appeared to be savage
and wild and unbreakable hunched over, putting his arms around himself, cutting
deep into his skin as he tried to hold himself, wishing despairingly, that they
were someone else�s arms, knowing deep inside that they would never be.
On the dusty wooden floor of the shack, a few
inconspicuous drops fell.
Damn Sirius Black, for making a werewolf cry.
___________________________________________________________________________
The night progressed as slowly as usual, every
second seeming like an eternity to the werewolf. The moon had yet to reach the
highest peak in the sky but Remus already felt like he had endured a thousand
battles. His body was torn and bleeding, trembling from pain, bloodloss and the cold night air. The werewolf tried to
breathe, tried to remember that it was just one night, that it would end but
the thoughts would not form. All that the wolf knew was now, this small dark room, the ceiling that seemed about to close
in on him, the moon beckoning him, the forest he could see in the distance that
he knew he would never reach but so, so
wanted to. The darkness of the night was endless, just like the thoughts and
feelings churning around in the wolf�s head that did not belong to him, that
did not fit into his mind, that were driving him insane.
If only Remus were a little less sensitive and a
little closer to his base, animal self, but he wasn�t. It would probably be
easier on both his mind and his body to just let go, to not think so much, to
allow things to take their course, to allow himself to
forget and move forward in life but that was not Remus.
In his saner moments, Remus wondered why he always
clung to memories and feelings that hurt him that made him incapable of going
where life wanted to take him, instead of where he wanted to go. When did he
become this person who could accept nothing more or less than what he had
expected, what he had �planned� even when he knew he would never have it, when
he knew there was a big, fat obstacle in the way of all those best laid plans
called werewolf?
But right now, Remus was not sane enough to think.
The pain from the cuts and gashes on his body registered in the wolf�s brain as
nothing more than a light sting. Blood and injuries, a wolf could deal with. It
was part of survival to get injured. His brain would not be alarmed as long as
the injuries were not in a dangerous place, so long as there was no danger of
them being fatal.
�But the pain
in his mind was not as easily dealt with. With no escape from the memories
echoing in his own head, burning the blood in his veins unpleasantly, the
werewolf wondered why his usual remedy � physical pain � was not helping him
any. Generally, physical injury �a known sensation, something he could deal
with � kept away any thoughts and feelings he was not ready to deal with. It
was just as well that there was no one in the room because otherwise, all the
injuries the werewolf had inflicted on himself would be inflicted on whoever
was unfortunate enough to cross his path. Pain, confusion and fear would take
the form of rage, to be unleashed on his prey. It would be less painful, less
debilitating for the wolf but not for whatever victim he happened upon.
So far, the werewolf had never caused any injuries
that were life-threatening � but then, he had never felt this constant,
crushing pain in his chest as if his heart were being squeezed painfully. The
wolf did not understand this vague, insistent pain, not caused by a fight or a
wound from an enemy but just as painful. Sharp claws landed lightly on his own chest, wondering what would be enough to make it
stop. The werewolf stopping this vague phusical pain
that seemed to be�
pulled its claws back and snarled, prepared to tear into his own chest
if it meant the end of this strange agony.
Then a dark, heavy something
pounced on him, sending him crashing to the floor.
Remus snarled, pushing the creature back but it was heavy. In a flurry of
limbs, they fought on the creaking wooden floor. The aggression trapped under
the werewolf�s skin leapt at the chance to take it out on someone else, on
something that did not result in pain to itself. The agony and turmoil in his
mind were pushed back as the wolf concentrated on doing something it knew, something
that it was familiar with � fighting.
The aggressor and the wolf rolled around on the
floor, filling the old shack with renewed creaks and moans and snarls. The
magic protecting the shack was, fortunately strong enough to hold the both of
them, even though there was never meant to be another wild animal in there with
a werewolf.
The struggle ended when Remus was pinned on the
floor under the aggressor. Teeth bared, Remus looked up at the creature.
Storm grey eyes looked down at him.
Remus lost his breath for a moment, then fought with renewed energy at this creature that dared
mock him.
Remus!
The black, dog-like creature growled, Remus,
it�s me!
The werewolf stopped struggling. Was his mind
playing tricks on him? Could that happen with werewolves?
But the stormy grey eyes above him were not a trick
and neither were the far too strong arms pinning him
down. Despite the myths to the contrary, a werewolf was actually not much
stronger than a normal wolf, except its bite was far deadlier. But animals that
could take on a wolf, could take on a werewolf as well. That said, though,
wolves were fierce fighters who would fight with everything they had, not
allowing themselves to be dominated, sometimes at the cost of their lives.
But Remus�s instincts were telling him this wasn�t
an enemy. The animal�s aura was strong and calm and without fear or anxiety,
which was entirely wrong if it was just a stray animal that had somehow ended
up in the shack. Animals usually stayed away from werewolves. Something that
was neither one of them, nor a human was unknown and a little frightening. It
was instinctual for animals to keep their distance from something they couldn�t
judge in terms of strength and intent.
But this � this dog was staring down at him with a
rather pleased look in his eyes. Energy now spent, Remus stared up at the
creature that had him in its grasp, that could
probably kill him if he chose but was just holding him down instead.
S-Sirius? Remus growled,
unused to communicating with another creature. He had not even known that he
could communicate with others, but unless he had completely lost his mind, this
creature had just said his name,
The
one and only, the dog replied and the werewolf
relaxed subtly on the floor where it was pinned. That proved it then. No other
creature could match that level of arrogance.
A
werewolf, the dog whispered, still staring.
I�ve never seen one before. You look�
When he trailed off, the werewolf turned its head
away, unable to meet Sirius�s eyes any longer. He had never expected to be
accepted after anyone learnt his secret but then, he had never expected to be
caught in this form either. He knew he was terrifying. He knew he was a
monster. But that didn�t mean it didn�t hurt to be ridiculed, especially by
this particular person. Taunts about his thin, ungainly frame, his haggard,
almost old looks � he had prepared himself to be teased about these things. But
this�he didn�t think he could bear to look into Sirius Black�s eyes and see
fear and disgust.
Then a long, wet tongue licked along the side of his
face.
The werewolf�s eyes widened and he turned hesitant,
vulnerable eyes to the dog above him.
The dog was grinning down at him.
Sirius,
Remus
began, a little startled to hear a growl in the place of his usual voice. Wh-what�how-
Later,
Sirius growled back, loosening his grip on the wolf. Are you going to attack me again if I let you go?
Remus looked up at him like he was crazy. Will you believe me if I say I won�t?
Yes,
Sirius told him, turning his head to rub his nose absently on his furry shoulder.
Remus snarled softly up at him, baring his teeth in
a weak attempt to remind him that this was a werewolf he had pinned under him, not some sort of mischievous
puppy.
Sirius snarled back in response taking it to mean he
wouldn�t, and moved off him, allowing the wolf to roll over and get to his
feet. The werewolf stood awkwardly, legs and hands not co-operating with him
immediately after the wounds he had inflicted upon himself. He glanced over his
body to see what damage Sirius had caused and was stunned to realise it was
nothing more than a few bruises that would heal in no time.
He raised his head to the dog standing in front of
him, looking calmly at him. It felt bizzare to stand
next to another living creature and not feel the urge to cut it to pieces. Not
to mention he had never expected to be looked at in this for with anything
other than fear or hatred.
So,
Sirius began, What do we do now?
Remus looked at him uncertainly, shuffling his front
paws awkwardly, feeling ridiculously big and weird.
D-do?� He stammered. What do you mean?
Sirius raised a paw and began to lick the dirt off
of it, putting Remus in mind of a cat more than a dog. You know, for the rest of the night. What do you do?
Remus stared. �I claw at my skin and throw myself at
the walls till the sun rises� sounded remarkably silly even in his head. The
dog did not seem to think twice about the various injuries covering his body
and Remus was grateful for that. He did not think he could stand to feel guilt
or any of the other roiling emotions that had plagued him the whole night.
I�don�t
know, he answered, glancing around the room nervously. The
walls and ceiling no longer seemed like they were closing in on him.
Sirius snorted in response, pattering towards the
window, exploring every aspect of the room curiously.
Aren�t
you�afraid of me? Remus asked hesitantly as Sirius
sniffed in a corner, then turned away with a grimace
as the dust scattered because of his breath and tickled his nose.
Sirius glanced at him coolly, an arrogant look on
his shaggy face. Afraid
of you? Who would be afraid of
you?
Remus felt a little spark of anger at the statement.
Most people wouldn�t be stupid enough to
come close to a werewolf, Remus snapped moodily.
I
figured you must be bored. So I thought I�d keep you company,
Sirius replied, turning towards him, his tail swishing happily.
Remus snarled, eyes flashing red at the dog�s
irritating attitude and raised his claws up to Sirius�s eyelevel. You realize I can slice you into little
pieces with these�?
Sirius glanced at them coolly, with smirking eyes. You couldn�t scratch a kitten with those if
you tried.
The next thing he knew, Remus had launched itself at
him with a roar and they were once again rolling around on the floor snarling
and growling but this time, there was no malice in either of their attacks. He
could not have said why exactly, but even though he had seen that the dog was
far stronger than him, it wouldn�t hurt him. Sirius�s scent was all over and
around him now, from rolling around the floor together and it made him feel
safe.
It dimly registered at the back of Remus�s mind that
the tornado of emotions that had whirled in his mind all night was now quite
calm and he felt more at peace with himself, attempting to throw the large dog
off of him, than he ever remembered feeling in his life.
___________________________________________________________________________
Remus slowly opened his eyes, blinking at the
glaring sunlight coming in from the window of his usual bed in the hospital
wing. He tried to raise his arms to shade his eyes but found he could not lift
them; they were as heavy as lead. Looking down, he saw they were bandaged
tightly, blood still seeping from the wounds turning the once white bandages
reddish brown.
Attempting to move other parts of his body yielded
similar results and Remus turned his head, wincing slightly at his stiff, sore
neck, to gauge what time it was. The sun was quite high in the sky so it was
safe to presume it was late morning at best. He rested his head back on the
pillow and closed his eyes, trying to figure out why, for the first time, he
felt relaxed and rested instead of exhausted and drained.
Vague memories came back to him, of pain and
confusion and Sirius�s eyes and wrestling with a dog. He opened his eyes and
frowned, and glancing down at his hands. That couldn�t be right. Had he been
dreaming?
He glanced away, out the window, feeling a strange
pang, as if he�d lost something very important.
Then a solid gift wrapped bag landed squarely on his
stomach and he grunted with pain, glancing around in surprise. Madame Pomfrey was usually more gently.
�Hi,� Sirius greeted, plopping down on the side of
his bed casually as if he had every right to be there.
�H-how � what�re you doing here?� Remus asked,
gazing nervously at him. If he had been dreaming, his dream had been remarkable
realistic. Sirius�s eyes�they really were a very unique colour�
�I brought you here,� Sirius told
him, �After you passed out in the shack after sunrise.�
With a jolt, Remus realized it wasn�t a dream, that
he � that Sirius had really been there, Sirius had
really seen him�like that�
�Y-you really - the dog�that was�how-�
Sirius nodded. �I�m an animagus.�
Remus�s eyebrows shot up in his hair. �A registered animagus at this age?
But the ministry doesn�t-�
�Not registered, no,� Sirius cut him off. �And I
would appreciate it if you didn�t tell anyone.�
Remus nodded hesitantly. �But why � why did you
come��
Sirius shrugged and looked away. �Like I said, I
thought you might be bored.�
He glanced casually at his bandaged body. �And good
thing I did too. Seems like you almost clawed yourself to death.�
Remus lowered his eyes, confused at the flat,
unfeeling tone of the other boy�s voice. �It�s no big deal,� Remus said softly,
staring resolutely at a spot on the white bedsheets.
�Happens every time, so nothing I can do about it.�
Then his face was caught in a strong, long-fingered
grip, forcing him to raise his head. Sirius�s face was suddenly too close,
stormy eyes filled with such anguish that it made Remus gasp.
�You will never,�
Sirius whispered, the concerned look in his eyes becoming possessive, �do that
to yourself again.�
�I-I c-can�t hel-help it,�
Remus stuttered, eyes flickering helplessly to the soft red lips so close to
his face.
Sirius�s grip tightened. �I will be there to make
sure you don�t.�
Remus�s breathing had quickened. �B-but this
is�every month. You can�t � not every time-�
�Every time,� Sirius assured him quietly and then
his lips were locked over Remus�s and the exhausted boy melted against his
touch, going boneless as Sirius leaned over him and grasped him behind the head
to pull his mouth even closer.
Remus could feel something inside him unclench, and
when Sirius pulled back, he gazed at the boy with heavy lidded, slightly dazed
eyes.
Sirius smiled, looking beautiful and carelessly
handsome in the morning sunlight and brushed a thumb over his mouth. �I like
this look on your face,� he said softly and Remus blushed, unable to tear his
eyes away.
�YOU BOYS BETTER BE DECENT, I�M COMING IN!� came Madame Pomfrey�s voice and
Sirius grinned, pulling away but grasping Remus�s hand tightly.
The door opened and Madame Pomfrey
entered, hands on her hips.
�What is that?� she demanded, pointing one imperious
finger at the parcel on Remus�s stomach.
�I-I don�t know,� Remus stammered, subtly attempting
to pull his hand away from Sirius�s, then turning a brighter shade of red when
the boy refused to let go.
�I don�t want any-� she
began sternly but broke off when Sirius suddenly stepped close to her and
whispered something in her ear. A light blush adorned her cheeks and she beamed
at him and nodded. Without another word, she opened the door and left, closing
it behind her.
Remus glanced at him questioningly. What was in the parcel anyway? There weren�t
many things Madame Pomfrey would be so pleased about
her patients having while in the hospital.
�I�ve gotta go,� Sirius
told him, stepping close to the bed and jerking his thumb at the door,
indicating the formidably healer. �But I�ll be back soon. Till then get some
rest-� he leaned in low and whispered in Remus�s ear
�- Moony.�
Remus gasped in outrage but Sirius had disappeared
out the door before he could say a word, leaving him with a flushed face and a strange,
warm and gooey feeling in his chest.
With fumbling fingers, he pulled the ribbon that
tied the parcel, a silly smile on his face.
When he opened the box, for a moment, he stared
uncomprehendingly at the contents. Then, a moment later, his smile trembled as
his eyes filled with tears.
It was the huge parcel full of every kind of
chocolate that he had seen Sirius purchase in Honeydukes.
___________________________________________________________________________
- 4
- 5
You need to be logged in to leave a review for this story.You need to be logged in to leave a review for this story.
Report Story

Cauldron To Conflagration