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Gone to Madness	By : everwild34 Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male > Harry/Snape Views: 14548 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: The characters used in this story and any recognizable places or situations belong to JK Rowling. I do not own anything from the Harry Potter universe and am making no profit from this story.

Chapter List
- 4
- 5
- 6
A/N: Hello! Again, I have to say a huge thank you to all of my wonderful reviewers. To Salon_Kitty, no Harry is not going to fall in love with Snape in some happy, fucked up Stokholm Syndrome type thing, so no need to worry about that. Also, I totally agree with you about Chapter 3 and the conversation with Dumbledore. The outcome would still be the same, but I sorta rushed that whole conversation. Just never got around to editing it I guess. I'm glad that you think everything else is staying true to the characters.
The mystery of Snape's strange behavior WILL be revealed, but it won't be for another couple of chapters.
Chapter 5: Uncertainty

When Harry finally trudged around the last corner before the entrance to Gryffindor tower, having thoroughly exhausted himself for the night, he found that the Fat Lady was fast asleep in her portrait, head leaning against the frame. She was not pleased to be woken so abruptly a moment later when Harry cleared his throat and called out the password as loudly as he dared.

�Was that really necessary?� she grumbled sleepily. Even so, she swung forward and allowed Harry to pass over the threshold, stumbling with tiredness and the aftermath of the adrenaline he�d had pumping through his veins only minutes ago in the dungeons.

�Where�ve you been?�

Harry nearly jumped out of his skin at the sudden sound of a female voice in the otherwise silent common room. He looked up quickly in the direction the question had come from to find Hermione sitting with her legs crossed in the wide armchair by the dead fire. Her eyes were sharp, like chips of ice, as she glared at him, her body taut and stiff as a board where she sat.

�Er� Sorry?� he asked, frozen halfway towards the dormitories.

�You heard me.� said Hermione loftily, folding her arms across her breast, �Snape came in here earlier� looking for you. He said you never showed up for Occlumency tonight.� She raised her eyebrows imperiously and waited for his response.

Harry licked his lips, suddenly feeling hot all over at the implications of her words, her accusation.

�I was�� Harry coughed nervously and tried again, �I was in the Room of Requirement� you know, studying�� Hermione said nothing and Harry could do nothing but stand there, shuffling his feet uncomfortably and trying to avoid her piercing gaze. She knew. She knew that he had lied to them about something that was, in her eyes, extremely important. Something that might save or destroy his life, not to mention the countless others he could end up endangering as a result.

The guilt was stifling and overwhelming. He had never lied to Ron and Hermione before, not really, never about something like this.

�Were you? Were you really?� There was another pregnant pause. The air seemed to crackle with the tension in the room, thick and filling Harry�s ears with the incessant buzzing.

�Yes.� he said at last, a little defensively. He hadn�t lied about everything after all.

�Don�t lie to me, Harry! It ticks me off like you can�t imagine. What were you doing if you ditched Occlumency?

�Exactly what I said!� Harry snapped indignantly. Her lack of trust in him stung, even though he knew that it was well deserved. �I was in there all night reading about Occlumency!�

�Why? If you were just going to be practicing anyway, then why did you feel the need to lie to us and skip Professor Snape�s lesson? He was absolutely furious when he came in here, Harry, and he had every right to be! Of all the irresponsible --�

Harry interrupted her with the almost-lie he had told Dumbledore in his office. �It�s not like either of us would mind me quitting! Snape�s been a right git every time, and it hurts like hell, and it�s all so completely pointless!�

Hermione finally moved, leaning forward so that her elbows were resting on her knees, rubbing circles over her temples in exasperation.

�Harry, I know that you don�t exactly enjoy Occlumency,� Harry snorted derisively and spun on his heel so that he flopped down into a chair beside one of the tables, settling in for the imminent lecture. � But you can�t just run away from your problems like this! You�re not like that, Harry, I know you. Something happened --�

�Nothing�s happened! I�m perfectly fine!�

�Well, obviously, you�re not.� Harry rolled his eyes. Of course, she couldn�t even just be angry with him like a normal person -- No, she had to pick him apart piece by piece until she found every scrap of motivation for the latest idiotic stunt he pulled. �You�ve been so angry this past week, so easy to set off it�s like walking through a minefield with you! You�re scaring me, Harry, I don�t know what�s wrong with you! Harry was horrified to see that her eyes were glazing over with tears and her expression was softening. The corners of his eyes prickled and Harry blinked in an effort to prevent his own unraveling.

Hermione jumped to her feet and began pacing in front of the fireplace angrily. �You�re not like this, you don�t lie to us and you don�t go behind our backs, and I�ve never known you to so plain mean! And it frustrates me like you won�t believe.� The last was uttered in a hoarse whisper as Hermione began to cry in earnest, stomping her foot in typical fashion before she collapsed back into the overstuffed armchair, hands covering her face.

�Hermione, don�t�� he said weakly, unconsciously standing up and moving towards her. �Don�t cry.�

Looking back, Harry realized just how cold he�d been to his friends (well, everyone really) since he�d come out of Snape�s office bloodied and confused. If she only knew�

Don�t even go there, he scolded himself, there�s nothing to gain from letting her know. She doesn�t need to hear about something like that.

It was selfish to consider forcing that knowledge on her or Ron for that matter, utterly selfish and pointless. It wouldn�t solve anything to make her feel the guilt, shame, and anxiety he�d been living with. How could he be so childish?

�It�s alright, there�s nothing wrong with me, Hermione. I�m sorry, I�m so sorry.� Harry rested a hand on her shoulder and knelt beside her, head lowered in shame.

�Liar,� she mumbled.

�I�m not, honestly Hermione, there�s no need to get so worked up over me.� said Harry, lip curling in a grim smile.

�You�re not telling us something, I know you�re not.�

Harry could think of nothing to say to this. There was no point denying it at this point.

�You will tell us though, if it�s something you can�t handle.� It wasn�t a question or a command, merely a statement of fact. As if he had ever been able to �handle� it.

�I will, I promise.�

Hermione leant down and wrapped her arms around Harry�s shoulders in a watery embrace. Harry�s flinch did not go unnoticed, but she decided that it would be better not to mention it, even though she was anything but content with the knowledge of Harry�s promise. She wished she could believe that he wasn�t lying, but there was nothing else she could do. Never before had she felt so helpless.

She pulled away gently, scrubbing the tears from her face with the heel of her palms, a little hiccup bubbling up from her throat. �Oh, now I�m such a mess!� she muttered absentmindedly, giving Harry a small smile. �So stupid.�

�I really am sorry, you know, about all this. I didn�t mean�� He trailed off miserably, staring down at his knees.

�I overreacted, I guess. Completely idiotic. I feel like a blubbering fool now.�

�You shouldn�t. I�ve been a right bastard to you guys and you have every right to be� upset with me.. I just haven�t been paying attention.� Harry sighed.

�I guess you haven�t.� Hermione chewed on her lip for a moment, fiddling with the edge of her robes. �Is -- whatever it is -- the reason you lied about Occlumency with Snape?�

Harry nodded, still avoiding her gaze.

�Well, I guess there�s nothing left to talk about then.� They both stood shakily and Hermione yawned into her hand, flushed and exhausted.

�I thought I told you not to wait up for me.� said Harry quietly. Hermione gave him a look that said quite clearly that she was not amused in the slightest. �See you in the morning, I guess.�

�Good night, Harry.�

Both teenagers traipsed slowly up the stairs leading to their respective dormitories without another word, one filled with guilt, the other with worry. Neither would be sleeping soundly that night.

()()()()

�C�mon mate, you�ve got to get up.� Harry groaned and rolled over, mumbling incoherently into his pillow.

Icy water suddenly poured over his unruly head and neck, soaking into his pillow and shocking him out of his morning stupor.

�GAH!� Harry shot up like a bullet, promptly got himself tangled in the bed sheets in an effort to escape the freezing deluge, and fell spectacularly to the floor, shaking his wet head like a dog in his disorientation. He heard laughter from the other Gryffindor boys in the room and flushed in embarrassment and irritation.

�What the hell was that for?� he demanded hotly, glaring up at the blurry, red-headed blob standing over him.

�Well� you weren�t waking up.� Ron gasped through a bought of giggles. �So� I thought I�d� just�� Harry rolled his eyes and reached towards the end table beside his bed, hand groping around for his glasses and wand.

�Glad you find it so funny. You think it�ll still be funny when I�m through hexing you into tomorrow?� he threatened, pushing himself to his feet.

�You won�t have time. Classes start in fifteen minutes!�

Harry swore and threw open his trunk, quickly rifling through it in search of a clean set of robes.

�I brought you some breakfast, mate. Thought you might be hungry.� said Ron, offering him a rather large blueberry muffin. Harry accepted it and bit into the bread blindly, while struggling to pull up his trousers one-handedly, hopping a little in his haste.

Ron stifled another chuckle and turned towards the door, calling a short, �See you in Flitwick�s, mate!� over his shoulder before hurrying out onto the stairs leading down to the common room.

�Bloody git,� Harry muttered under his breath. He wasn�t really angry with Ron, he knew, just good-naturedly irritated with him. It actually felt good to bicker with his friend like this, to forget about his confrontations with Snape and the argument with Hermione the previous night. It felt normal, and somehow much more real than the entire past week.

Apparently Ron had already been asleep when Snape had stormed in the other night, otherwise Harry was sure he would have confronted him the moment he woke up. He fervently hoped that Hermione wouldn�t tell him before he got the chance to do it himself.

Of course, if he was being honest with himself, he simply wished that Ron never had to find out. Unlike Hermione, Ron was much more likely to hold a grudge over something like this. Harry knew that he would deserve it if he did, but he hated to think of how much potential damage could be dealt to their friendship. And it would only make it worse that he couldn�t even tell Ron why he had done it in the first place, why he had lied and snuck around.

He should have known that he wouldn�t get away with it. He had known that he wouldn�t, right from the beginning, but he had just kept on going with it in the hope that it would turn out all right in the end. Harry snorted, so much for that.

There was nothing to do but face the consequences when they came and savor the time before they did.

()()()()

Ten minutes later, he was sprinting down the corridor, dodging around the last few stragglers, nursing the growing stitch in his side. A few angry shouts followed him, but he ignored them and continued on, not caring in the slightest.

He gave a gusty sigh of relief when he reached the Charms classroom door, pulling it open and slipping inside just as the final bell rang. Professor Flitwick raised his eyebrows but said nothing as Harry quickly sought out Ron and Hermione�s table, panting and clutching his side.

�Nice,� Ron said, snickering as soon as Harry sat down and dropped his book bag beside his chair. Hermione gave him a small smile from Ron�s other side before looking back to the front of the classroom, awaiting instructions.

Harry tried valiantly to allow himself to relax throughout the general chaos that was standard for a Charms lesson, but his looming meeting with Professor Snape hung over him like a storm cloud, sapping his energy and ruining his mood.

Despite this, Harry put on an almost natural looking smile and played along, pretending that it was just another day. He knew that he was only hurting Ron and Hermione by rejecting and distancing himself from them, but it remained difficult to maintain a level of civility around them all the same.

By lunchtime, Harry realized that Hermione didn�t plan on telling Ron about the disastrous previous night. As much as Harry knew that he should talk to Ron and give him the truth, he simply couldn�t face it, not today at least. Perhaps if he was alive in the morning�

Harry cursed himself for his weakness throughout the day, going over and over the possible reactions he would receive when he finally did come clean. It would be a good thing, wouldn�t it? If Ron decided to give him grief about it, creating more distance between them? Wouldn�t it? All week, he had only tried to be alone, it was what he wanted. But now, he just wasn�t completely sure.

He tried to be normal for them that day, he tried so damn hard that he felt like his face might split open from all the smiling, and on the outside that was all that showed. That he was trying to play nice with his friends instead of snapping at them every moment. But that didn�t change the fact that at the end of the day, he would have to follow Snape down to the dungeons alone and deal with whatever the man threw at him. He hoped to God that nothing happened.

The other teachers seemed to be proud of him for putting forth a little effort in his classes and actually learning the spells. McGonagall even gave him something close to a smile when he successfully transformed his turtle into a fluffy pillow ten minutes before class got out. Despite himself, Harry actually felt a little pleased by the praise, his stomach fluttering with the first real happiness he�d felt since before that night.

He knew it wouldn�t last, but it was a nice feeling all the same.

Before he knew it, he found himself sitting in the Great Hall beside his two friends, picking disinterestedly at the treacle tart on his plate. Somehow, he just didn�t feel all that hungry.

A large shadow fell over him and he vaguely noticed the glare Ron was shooting over his shoulder, Hermione�s anxious eyes on him.

�Come along, Mr. Potter.� It was inevitable, he knew, but at that moment he wanted nothing more than to stay right where he was and prevent the disaster of an Occlumency lesson before it could happen.

�What for?� Ron demanded, even as Harry stood and stepped over the bench into the aisle beside the Potions Master.

�Remedial Potions.� Snape sneered. Ron looked downright confused now, glancing from Harry to Snape and back again.

�But --�

Snape had already started out of the Great Hall, obviously expecting Harry to follow him. With a sigh of resignation, Harry hurried to keep up with the Professor, feeling as if he was walking to his own execution, as if he was doing this willingly. In a way, he was.

�Keep up, Mr. Potter.� Snape barked.

Well, if you didn�t have to walk so bloody fast, Harry thought angrily, silently increasing his pace to match that of Professor Snape�s. He suddenly felt the swelling fury of last night seeping into him, biting at his belly and telling him to just pull out his wand and kill the man.

He didn�t though, for reasons he didn�t understand himself. He didn�t turn back, he didn�t slow down, he didn�t attack, and there was really no excuse for it.

Why�d you have to do this to me? Why don�t you even remember it?

The damp dungeon air filled his nose, achingly familiar and uncomfortable. He shivered as goose bumps erupted on his flesh, the chilling air seeming to seep through into his bones.

Nothing�s going to happen, it�ll be okay, nothing�s going to happen�

Snape came to a halt in front of the door that led into his office, turned and gestured for Harry to go through first, a stony sneer planted on his face. Ladies first, Harry thought bitterly. He felt sure he was going to be sick.

�So glad you decided to grace me with your presence this time, Potter.�

The door snapped shut, the sound echoing throughout the room, final and absolute. There was no running away from this, not now, not ever.

He should�ve run while he�d had the chance.

　
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Gone to Madness