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Controlled Emotions	By : LeviosaHex Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male > Harry/Snape Views: 23984 -:- Recommendations : 2 -:- Currently Reading : 5
Disclaimer: Disclaimer: I did not create the Harry Potter stories or universe and I do not make any money from this

Chapter List
- 4
- 5
- 6
Chapter 5 – Disgust

Day 3 Continued

Gryffindor Tower – 2010hrs

Harry ran up the stairs to the Gryffindor common room taking two steps at a time. He needed to talk to someone, and he knew Hermione would listen. He thought she might even understand. His shame had blocked the knowledge that he could trust the girl he had been friends with for the last six years, but he knew now that he could trust her not to judge him with something like this. Not that he intended to talk to her about Snape, he didn't think her understanding would stretch that far, but he had to tell someone that he was gay. He normally wasn't very good at talking about his thoughts or feelings, but telling someone would cement his acceptance of it, he decided.

Shouting the password at the portrait as he sprinted up the last few steps, he barged into the common room, ignoring the snide remarks about his rudeness from the fat lady guarding the entrance as it slammed shut behind him. Scanning the room, he saw Hermione sitting curled up with Ron in a small window alcove seat, and his heart sank. He knew he could trust Ron with his life, but he wasn't ready to tell him this, not yet at least.

Pulling his gaze away from his contented friends, he turned to drag himself up to the dormitory with a familiar sinking feeling in his gut reminding him he was very much on his own. A deep yearning to have someone to hold, as his friends did, took hold. It was an ache so deep it pained his very soul. Shame had been replaced by an acceptance of his sexuality, but the pain of yearning for something he couldn't have, maybe could never have, was worse. He needed someone he could be close to that would want him, not because of his scar or his name, but because of the person he was. However, he knew that even if he did find someone who could see beyond all the publicity surrounding him, he would never enter into a relationship willingly whilst evil threatened his life and everyone around him that called him their friend. It didn't matter he was gay. Just because he preferred wizards changed nothing. He had accepted that it was safer to be on his own a long time ago, but it did not stop him wishing for more at times, and tonight was one of these times.

Maybe that's why it felt right with Snape. Snape didn't care about his scar or his celebrity. Being with him didn't bring the man any more danger than he was already in. Well, unless he let Voldemort see them together through his memories he realised. A shot of panic ran through him. He had to learn Occlumency before he got someone else he cared about killed. Not that he cared about Snape he quickly corrected himself, but he didn't want him dead just because of his lack of ability to keep Voldemort out his mind. It didn't mean he liked or cared for the man.

As Harry reached the stairs leading to the boy's dorm, Hermione shouted out.

"Harry, where do you think you are skulking off to? You promised me a night in the library."

His friend had removed herself from Ron's arms and was walking toward him. Harry turned and looked at her with confusion until she winked and rolled her eyes back in her head indicating Ron behind her.

"Oh Yeah, did I? Ah well it's a bit late now."

"Nonsense, you are back early again from your detention. I presume Professor Snape wasn't there?"

"Eh yeah, he wasn't in his office, but he left me a note about what he wanted me to do. I left when I was finished," Harry said trying not to blatantly lie to his friend.

"So come on then, let's get going. Are you going to join us Ron? We are planning to look into the history of runes and their use throughout ancient times."

"Eh? Oh, right. Emm, nah you're all right. I have stuff I need to do here," Ron said giving Harry an apologetic look as he screwed up his face in disgust at the thought of going to the library.

"Looks like it's just you and me then Harry," Hermione said cheerfully as she put her arm through his and led him back out the common room into the corridor.

They silently made their way to the ground floor, but rather than turning toward the library they headed out toward the main entrance.

"I thought we could maybe go and sit by the lake for a while. It's a nice night," Hermione said.

"Ok, yeah that sounds good. I could do with some fresh air with all the time I have spent in the dungeons this week. If I am not careful I might start to take on that pale, greasy, gothic look, in fact, I even smell of potions." Harry raised his arm to his nose and breathed in the scent of Snape. It was a slightly musky scent laced with hints of various potions. His heart flipped over at the smell and groaned, immediately trying to hide the noise with a cough and a disgusted look on his face as soon as it escaped him. Hermione smiled at him and raised an eyebrow.

Once they arrived at their usual place beside the loch, Hermione pulled two large blankets out of her bag and spread one on the dew moistened grass before sitting down. Harry flopped down beside her, and stared out over the dark, glassy surface.

"We haven't really had a chance to see you since we got back Harry, and you seem a little stressed and distant. Is everything all right?"

"Yeah I'm fine 'mione, it's been a hard week so far, that's all."

"I take it your lessons with Professor Snape have been just as bad this year as they were in 5th year?"

"Eh well yeah, I suppose they have been. In a different sort of way... they have been worse...much worse, actually."

"You can't have done much your first night. I mean you were only gone for about an hour if not less."

"Yeah well, I told you, he let me go early."

"What about last night? Ron said you didn't come up to the dorm until about five in the morning."

"I wasn't in the dungeons all that time. I went for a walk afterwards to clear my head."

"So how did that lesson go?"

"I can't occlude if that's what you are asking. The lesson wasn't helpful. Look Hermione I would rather not talk about this all right. I just need to get through this week and hope Snape realises soon that he can't teach me and gives up again."

"So where did you go for your walk last night? Did it help clear your head a bit?"

"Oh emm, I just walked round the grounds and sat in the Astronomy Tower. You know how I like it up there."

"On your own? You need to remember who you are Harry. Hogwarts is safe, but you know the weak point is the Astronomy Tower."

"I know who I am Hermione," Harry said a little too sharply.

"I know you do, but you can't withdraw from everyone. You are going to have a tough year this year and you need your friends Harry. Ron and I will always be here for you. We want to help as much as we can. You do know that right?"

"I know 'mione, sorry for snapping, it's just that I have had a lot to think about the last few days."

Hermione picked up the other blanket, moved closer to Harry, and pulled the blanket round them both. She leaned into his side, and placed her head on his shoulder. They sat like this looking over the loch for a minute or two in silence.

"Hermione?"

"Mhmm?"

"If I tell you something personal, will you promise not to tell Ron, even if you hate me after you hear what it is?"

"I am sure there is nothing you can tell me that will make me hate you, Harry."

"Yeah well, if you did, will you promise not to tell Ron?"

"Emm yeah ok, but he has been worried about you too you know, even if he doesn't show it."

"I know, but do you promise?"

"Yes all right, I promise," Hermione said rolling her eyes as if she thought Harry was being a little silly.

Harry closed his eyes and let out a long breath.

"I'm...well I think...I'm...emmm..." Harry sighed again. This was harder than Harry had thought it would be.

"Goodness Harry just spit it out. It can't be that bad! Just take a deep breath and say whatever it is that is bothering you!"

Harry didn't take a deep breath; he held it and blurted, "I'm gay Hermione."

Hermione let out a small laugh. "Yes, and this is a problem because?" Hermione had stretched the words out as if what he had said was no surprise.

"Is that all you are going to say? I tell you that I am gay, and you don't think that's a big deal?"

"Oh Harry, sometimes you can be really dim! Why would it be a big deal? We have been waiting on you telling us for ages!"

Harry didn't know whether to be relieved or offended by her comments.

"Yeah well I only worked it out myself recently. What do you mean you have been waiting on me telling you?" Harry said a little bit sulkily.

"Well come on Harry! Ginny has been throwing herself at you for ages, and you don't even seem to realise it. You've not had any interest in girls since Cho and even then, I don't think you were all that attracted to her. I mean what guy snogs an attractive girl then all they can say about it was it was 'wet', really Harry, it wasn't difficult to work out," Hermione laughed again and shook her head.

"Oh right, yeah I suppose. I must be really thick to not have even known myself until yesterday."

"No, not thick just not willing to accept it maybe. So who's the guy then?"

"Errr the guy? There is no guy." Harry was a little taken aback that Hermione thought he was with someone.

"After the way you turned up in potions this morning? Ha! Don't you dare try to tell me there is no guy!"

"Oh yeah right... ah shit, I really don't want to talk about it. It was just a one-off 'mione"

"Harry, you can tell me, you know. Ron already knows you are gay, but I promise I won't tell him who you have been with."

"Like I said, it was just a one-off you know a one night stand. I won't be with him again, that much is for sure."

"I didn't take you for the love-them-and-leave-them type of guy Harry. Are you sure that a one night stand is all it was?"

"Definitely."

"Oh come on Harry! Just tell me who it was. I promise I won't tell anyone. I think I might know anyway."

"What? There is no way you can know! I know you are a know-it-all but not on this! You couldn't guess in a million years."

"Well I think it might surprise you how obvious it is when you analyse the evidence," Hermione said a little smugly.

"What evidence? There is no evidence!"

"Oh I think you will find there is plenty."

"Go on then, tell me who you think it was, I bet you a butterbeer you are wrong!"

"Professor Snape," she replied simply.

Harry froze for a moment in shock before he realised he needed to deny her statement. Jumping to his feet he tried to react as he might have done just a few days ago had she suggested he had been snogging Snape.

"WHAT? Ha! That is the craziest things I think you have ever said. I mean, Merlin Hermione, have you completely lost your mind? Snape? What on earth made you come to that conclusion?"

"Calm down Harry! I mean goodness you're acting like I said Voldemort or something!"

"Well he is... he's the next worst thing! He's an evil bastard, a...a Death Eater... a sadistic git and...and he hates me!"

"Stop it Harry. Your initial reaction just confirmed it. I know all right."

"You know nothing. You've gone completely mad!" Harry said pacing in front of her.

"I know you have had no time to yourself. I know that you have spent most of your time in the dungeons or in class. I know that Professor Snape went out his way to touch you yesterday. It was fairly erotic to watch actually, and I know he was more than just annoyed about your lateness this morning. I know you watched his every move, and were distracted by him. I know he held you back after potions. I know you failed to turn up for defence for no apparent reason, and Snape didn't even ask Ron or me where you were, as if he knew you probably wouldn't come. I know someone healed your ... marks and reduced the swelling to your lips between potions and lunch. I know he was teasing you about something in the Great Hall, and you were embarrassed by it. I know you have just come from his private rooms and... well...you smell of him."

Harry stopped pacing and stared at his friend in shock before trying to respond.

"Oh...my god...do you over analyse everything? For your information...you have it all wrong. There was nothing erotic about him touching me. He was...he was threatening me! Well actually he said he wasn't but, anyway, I thought he was, and I healed my own marks once I saw them in a mirror. I smell like potions because you are right, I have spent most of my free time in the bloody dungeons, and what makes you think I was in his rooms?"

"I came down to his office earlier. I thought you might have liked some company since Professor Snape said he wouldn't be supervising your detention. You left his note lying on his desk."

"Oh, right yeah...well ok I was in his rooms, but that proves nothing. He just wanted to talk about the Occlumency lessons."

"Harry I know, but you need to be a little more careful. I mean he is a teacher, your teacher!"

"I know what he is Hermione, and teacher isn't my main concern here! He's a Death Eater and a slimy git who really does hate me, so whatever it is you think you know you have it all wrong."

"Harry, please sit down. I saw the way you looked at him in class this morning, and at lunch. Even that on its own would have told me something had changed between you. It is really quite obvious. You don't need to lie to me. I promise I won't tell anyone as long as you promise to be more careful."

"Urghhh Fuck!" Harry sat back down with a thump.

"Believe me nothing is happening. He hates me, has always hated me, and that's all there ever will be between us, so can we just drop this now. It's making me feel a bit sick."

"Harry you said you felt threatened by him. Are you trying to tell me...he forced himself on you?"

"Oh shit no. God no! I...look it's complicated."

"So you like him then?"

"Like? Ha no! How can anyone like Snape? Urghh. I mean really, it's pretty disgusting to think about."

"Are you sure that's how he makes you feel?"

"Merlin Hermione, don't you start asking how I feel, that's what got me into this mess in the first place."

Hermione gave him a questioning look.

"Look if I explain a little about what happened will you promise to just let it go?"

Hermione nodded.

"In a nutshell he thinks that by exploring my emotions as they arise, he can get me to understand them better. If I can understand them, then I will be able to control them."

"Ah the first step in mastering Occlumency." Hermione said nodding.

"Correct."

"So on Monday night I was really angry with him about...god I can't even remember why I was so furious... but anyway I was. He made me close my eyes and explain what sensations the anger caused me physically, you know stomach in knots etc... anyway, he then asked what the anger made me want to do. Everything I said was physical, like I really wanted to slap the evil smirk right off his ugly face. I wanted to grab him and throw him across the room but when I told him, he suggested that I wanted to touch him and then...well... he kissed me.

Hermione gasped.

"Yeah I know totally fucking mental eh? But the thing was 'mione... Urghh god...as soon as I felt his lips brush against mine the anger disappeared. I still felt the same sensations, but it felt more like I...uhh...look it was a shock all right, that's was all it was. I mean I still had my eyes closed!"

"So it wasn't just 'wet' then?" Hermione said smiling.

Harry gave her a withering stare and raised his hand to stop her from saying anything else.

"I could do without comments like that Hermione!"

"Sorry Harry. Carry on. I promise I won't say anything else."

"Ok, well, last night he told me to close my eyes again. I was really anxious about it, I mean Merlin, I didn't know what he was going to do, not that I thought he would attack me or anything but I just couldn't get it out of my head that he had kissed me. Anyway, he had said and done a few things throughout the day that kind of scared me a bit, but he managed to turn them all round, as if they had been nothing but private jokes. He made me realise that anxiety and maybe even fear could be a positive thing, that it could be interpreted as excitement. The thing was he is right, I mean ermmmm... I was ...god...I really was...and I ended up kissing him Hermione. How fucked up is that! He stopped it going too far, and said that I had learnt that anger could be interpreted as desire and fear as excitement.

"Wow that's really...I don't know what to say!"

"Oh there is more!" Harry had never been this open about anything with anyone before, but now he had started talking, he wanted to get it all out.

"This whole anger to desire, fear to excitement, makes sense. I have never really analysed why I felt a certain way before, but now when I think about all the times I have felt a deep anger or fear, I can actually turn it round to see how desire and excitement fits in. I mean I still fear Dementors, for example, but I fear them because I have a fear of never feeling happiness. In other words, I feel excited about being able to face true evil and extinguishing it, so I finally might have a chance of finding some happiness. Does that make any sense?"

Hermione nodded.

"After potions this morning, he had me close my eyes again and asked me how I was feeling. I told him I was confused, and well I was. God my whole perception of who I am has just been turned upside down. He said confusion wasn't really an emotion, and I needed to work through it to gain an understanding of who I was before the lessons could continue. Anyway, I ended up kissing him again, and he didn't stop it going further than just a kiss. God, I'm really fucked up aren't I? You must be horrified at me. I'm horrified at me. I mean I accept that I am gay now. Up until tonight I was more worried about liking men than being turned on by Snape but now that I can accept that I do prefer men, the whole thing about throwing myself at Snape kind of turns my stomach. It really is a bit worrying, not only worrying, but I am disgusted by it. We kissed again tonight, he started it that time, but I managed to push him away, thank Merlin!"

"Why did you push him away?"

"Because this is just a way for him to make realise I have no clue about controlling my emotions. He is trying to get me to understand them by making me feel them. It's all just a lesson plan to him! Why he thought it would work I have no idea, but I suppose he has actually read my cues pretty well, but thinking that I might actually have liked him all along and he knew, is disturbing, considering even I didn't have a clue I would react like this!"

"So you do like him then?"

"I actually don't have a bloody clue how he makes me feel 'mione, apart from pretty messed up and disgusted."

"Why are you disgusted though? I mean Professor Snape is rather sexy, in a strong masculine sort of way, don't you think?"

"Sexy? Bloody hell Hermione, are you having a laugh? You think Snape is sexy?"

"Well yeah, I mean I'm not attracted to him or anything. I think I prefer blonde hair to black, but he does have a presence about him, and his voice is rather distracting. I can understand the appeal."

"Blonde? Don't you mean ginger?"

"Oh yeah, well that too, I suppose."

"You suppose? I wouldn't let Ron hear you say that! So you like blondes eh? Ha! The only really blonde bloke about here is Malfoy!"

"Yeah, I had noticed."

"Oh my god Hermione, you are blushing! You like Malfoy! Bloody hell!"

"Well he does make me angry to the point I want to punch him, you know grab him and shake him"

Harry burst out laughing.

"Hermione that is hilarious!"

Hermione laughed a little, but grew quiet suddenly.

"Harry" she said with that warning sound in her voice again.

Harry looked up to see Snape standing right beside them.

"Oh fuck," Harry said through his laughter, which was turning more hysterical. He felt as though he was losing control, the stress of the past couple of days bubbling over, and being released in a burst of hysteria.

"Why is it, you think you can flout the rules and be out after curfew? You are nothing special Potter, regardless of what everyone else tells you, and Miss Granger, I expected better from you! Potter's lack of respect for the rules has obviously rubbed off on you."

Harry continued to laugh hysterically as he realised he was becoming aroused by the closeness of the intimidating figure, who had moved to stand in front of him, his groin only a meter or so away from his face.

"Potter will you stop that inane laughter. You really are insufferable, disrespectful brat, whose arrogance continues to astound me. You obviously believe you are above everyone else that rules are not meant for you. Well I can assure you, you are not!"

"Sorry, it's..." Harry tried to control his hysteria but found he couldn't as he spluttered out a garbled explanation "it's... just...you...I mean...Hermione...Malfoy ... makes her...angry..."

"Harry!" Hermione exclaimed indignantly "I am sure Professor Snape doesn't need to hear how much I dislike one of his students! I am sorry Professor, we didn't realise it was so late, we will return to our dorms immediately."

Hermione glanced up to see the stern Professor smirk at her with amusement clear in his eyes before he schooled his face into the usual stern scowl.

"Take this hysterical fool with you and try to get him to calm down. His childish antics are really quite irritating." with that he turned on his heel in a billow of robes and stalked away, continuing on his night-time check of the grounds.

"Harry, for Merlin's sake! Will. You. Stop. Laughing!" Hermione battered him over the head with a book to punctuate each word as she spoke.

"I can't 'mione... It's bloody...hilarious and...sodding typical...he would be ...on patrol...tonight. I...can... feel... my anger...at what he said...growing!" Harry had tears running down his face by then.

"Really Harry I don't think I need to know what is growing!"

"Oh yeah no...God I am so fucked up!" Harry said slowly calming down from his near hysterical outburst. "I don't know what's wrong with me. I feel a bit out of control actually."

"Well, I suppose you have been under a lot of stress recently. Stress can make you act rather strangely, but I am really not amused you told Professor Snape that Malfoy angers me! I mean, really Harry!"

"Oh shit sorry 'mione. At least Malfoy isn't totally repulsive; he's quite good looking, I suppose."

"He is a little shit, and you know it, but it doesn't stop me liking him. Just like Professor Snape can be a right git at times, but that doesn't mean you can't like him."

"Thanks for trying to make me feel better, but really I don't like Snape all right."

Hermione gave him a sad look and pulled him to his feet.

Harry had come down from his hysterical outburst rather abruptly, and it left him feeling rather depressed. They walked back to the castle in silence, both lost in their own thoughts.

Day 4

0815hrs- Great Hall

Harry sat at the breakfast table thinking about the dreams that had broken his sleep the previous night. They hadn't been his usual type of nightmares but they troubled him just as much, maybe even more so. He had woken up twice sweating and out of breath and once screaming as he came all over himself, making him glad his roommates were used to his night-time screaming and wore earplugs. He was beginning to worry about his sanity and could not fathom why Snape turned him on to the point he was having such erotic dreams about him. His body disgusted him.

"Good Morning Harry," Hermione greeted him as she and Ron sat down.

"You all right mate? Sounded like you had a bad night. Nightmares again?" Ron asked as he piled his plate full of sausage and egg.

"Ehh yeah, just regular nightmares though. Sorry if I kept you awake." Harry could feel the heat rise to his face and looked down at his empty plate.

"So did you find out anything interesting about runes, or whatever it was you were talking about last night? Sorry I was too tired to wait up for you getting back."

"Yes we found out a lot of interesting facts, didn't we Harry?"

"If you say so 'mione" Harry said rolling his eyes at Ron.

"I'm more interested in who the lucky girl is, than ancient runes actually. Are you gonna tell me who she is Harry?"

Ron nudged him and winked.

"Girl? Oh emm..."

"Ronald Weasley! If Harry wants to share his private life with us, he will tell us in his own good time. Now will you please stop speaking with your mouth full, it really is disgusting."

"You find me disgusting do you? That's nice, being told by your girlfriend you are disgusting."

"Well there are some things that are disgusting about you, Ron but don't worry, there is plenty of other things that I like."

Hermione looked at Harry with raised eyebrows as she said this, who grunted in response, giving her a warning look. He could understand her acceptance of his preference for men but could not for the life of him comprehend why she thought his physical desire for Snape was all right, that was more disgusting than Ron's table manners Harry thought, as he pushed his breakfast plate away, thinking it best if he didn't eat this morning.

0905hrs –Potions Classroom

Snape was pacing the front of the potion classroom as usual and looked more tired and drawn this morning than he usually did.

"The potion we will be working on this morning is unfortunately one that frequently crops up in the NEWT exam. I say unfortunately, since it is an extremely volatile and difficult potion to brew. You all have attempted this potion previously in my class, however, since none of you, apart from a select few, managed to brew it correctly, I have decided to give you another chance."

Snape flicked his wand at the blackboard behind him and a list of ingredients, along with detailed instructions appeared, in his neat flowing script.

"Without looking at your books, can anyone tell me what potion this is?"

Hermione raised her hand as usual but Snape ignored her.

"Mr Potter, surely you of all people must remember this particular potion. If my memory serves me correctly, the last time you tried to brew it, you sent half your classmates to the infirmary with 1st degree burns."

"Yes I remember" Harry mumbled not looking up as Snape walked toward him.

"Well? Do enlighten us."

"It's the Draught of Peace Sir."

"It is. Tell me what main ingredient causes the drinker to gain an innermost emotional balance sufficient enough to understand their desires and to be at peace with them?"

"Moonstones Sir."

"You surprise me. Maybe you do have something other than Quidditch statistics in that brain of yours after all. However, I will reserve judgement after you have drunk the concoction you produce this morning. One tiny mistake can be disastrous to the drinker, rendering them entirely emotionally unstable or unconscious, maybe even irrevocably so."

Sniggers went up from the Slytherins, "Won't make much difference then, since he's a total nutcase anyway," Malfoy sneered.

Harry couldn't care less about what Malfoy said, he was more concerned about being made to drink something that would, not only reveal his true innermost desires to himself, but might make him do or say something in front of the whole class.

"You will each prepare your own brew without assistance from your partner. Innermost peace can only be truly achieved by understanding yourself and not taking on another's perceptions. Now collect your ingredients and begin."

Much to Harry's relief Snape completely ignored him for the whole class, allowing him to focus on what he was doing for once. By the end of the class, Harry thought he had brewed a perfect Draught of Peace. When everyone was beginning to put stirring rods down and turn off burners, Snape began handing out empty vials, instructing them how to bottle their potion safely as he went round the class. When he came to Harry, he handed him a vial, looked into his cauldron and sneered.

"Git" he murmured under his breath as the Professor walked away without commenting.

Snape looked particularly greasy and revolting this morning Harry thought. He hadn't looked like that last night he remembered, as images of sleek shiny hair, tied back neatly against perfect pale skin, came to mind. Harry shivered although he didn't know whether it was in disgust or not.

"You all will bottle your potion and bring it up to me for inspection. However much it may please me to see some of you unconscious for the rest of the term, it invariably would cause more trouble than any of you are worth. Therefore, those of you who have managed to brew an acceptable Draught of Peace, will return to their seat and drink it. I expect a two foot essay on its effects first thing tomorrow morning."

Harry carefully bottled his brew, wishing now he had made a mistake with it. At least then he wouldn't now be worried about finding out he really did want Snape. He should have realised Snape wouldn't really make them drink something that would do any permanent harm, and his stomach churned at the thought.

Hermione approached Snape's desk first; Harry noticed that his potion looked exactly the same as hers and groaned. It was all the confirmation he needed that he had brewed a perfect Draught of Peace.

Snape looked at Hermione's potion, carefully smelt it, and then handed it back to her.

"You may wish to drink this somewhere other than here Miss Granger if your...anger is still at the forefront of your mind" Snape said quietly with an amused smirk. Hermione took her potion back and pocketed it, her face blazing a deep shade of red as she returned to her seat.

Harry was gobsmacked by the exchange, and looked at Snape questioningly as he approached his desk. He had never seen the man look quite so amused.

"Well Potter, at least you didn't blow up your cauldron this time" Snape snatched the vial from Harry's hand. "However, if I were to allow you to drink this excuse for a potion, it may actually make... you explode."

"But Sir..." Harry couldn't believe he was going to receive a zero mark for his work, since he knew he had done everything perfectly.

"You really want to drink this..." Snape dropped his voice to barely a whisper "...here, in front of all your classmates? No. This potion must be discarded very carefully. You have managed to brew something that could prove to be quite...dangerous. You will give me a four foot essay on the properties of Moonstones by tomorrow morning." Snape pocketed the small vial in his voluminous robes and raised an eyebrow at him as he did so.

Harry was about to protest again, but two things hit him at once, he had already written an essay on Moonstones last year, and he was sure Snape wouldn't have forgotten about it, so it wasn't really a punishment. Snape was probably just as concerned about what he might say under the influence of the potion, considering his actions over the last couple of nights. Just as he was about to turn away from the Professor's desk, he saw Snape write acceptable next to his name on the parchment in front of him. Harry raised his eyebrows in acknowledgement of his grade.

"Well don't just stand there Potter, unless you are arrogant enough to argue with me regarding your mark."

"Oh eh no" Harry muttered, as he turned and headed back to his seat.

Only a handful of students had managed to brew a Draught of Peace that was safe enough to consume. Ron, surprisingly, was one of them. Once class was dismissed they all headed out into the corridor, Ron looked particularly spaced out with a distant expression on his face. It reminded Harry of the time he had unwittingly consumed a love potion back in 5th year.

"Ah 'mione!" Ron gushed, flinging his arms around her and muttering something in her ear as he did so.

"Really Ronald! Get off me! That kind of talk is not going to get you anywhere!" retorted a disgusted looking Hermione as she pushed Ron away and turned to stalk off. Her progress was halted abruptly however, as she barged into an equally spaced out looking Malfoy, knocking him to the stone floor.

"Granger! That's one way of getting me on my back; you could have just asked you know!"

Hermione stepped back and blushed furiously before retreating down the corridor. Draco watched her go with a smile. His friends, who hadn't taken their potions, were all laughing, but Draco didn't appear to have made the comment flippantly, and Harry had to stifle a laugh.

"What the..." Ron started with a furious look in his eye.

"Come on Ron. Just leave it. Let's catch up with 'mione!" Harry dragged his friend away easily enough. It appeared Ron couldn't stay angry long after the suggestion of going after Hermione was made, and followed Harry willingly.

Thank God the effects of a Draught of Peace was only for half an hour thought Harry, he wouldn't be able to cope if it was much longer, he silently thanked Snape for not letting either Hermione or himself drink the bloody stuff. God knows what would have happened if either of them had.

By the time the two boys had almost caught up with their friend, Ron seemed to be coming out of his potion induced state and looked a little horrified.

"Harry? Oh bloody hell, I think I might have said some things to 'mione I shouldn't have!"

"Your deepest desires I take it" Harry said laughing a little.

"Oh Merlin, she is going to be totally disgusted with me! Thank god we have a free period now."

Harry couldn't help laughing at his friend's expression. "Maybe it would be best you go and hide for a bit then. I will go and speak to her first, see just how mad she is. Meet you in a bit in the common room all right?"

Ron nodded and headed off toward Gryffindor common room, leaving Harry to run after his other friend, who he caught up with just as she was entering the library.

"Hermione! Wait up." Harry grabbed her arm to stop her going into the silent study area.

"I don't want to talk to you just now Harry. It' all your fault! If you hadn't blabbered your mouth off to Professor Snape about my joke at being angry with...you know...I wouldn't now have ideas in my head about him that I wish weren't there!"

"Oh come on 'mione it's not my fault you have a thing for him!"

"I don't! I mean he's a disgusting lowlife!"

"So why didn't you just drink the potion in class then?"

"That's entirely beside the point! If you hadn't..."

"Do not try lay this at my door 'mione! Anyway did you see the way he looked at you when you knocked him over? Looks like the... anger might be mutual!"

Hermione huffed, spun on her heel and stormed into the no talking area of the library.

1700hr -Great Hall

During dinner Harry sat on his own, giving his two friends time alone to work through their argument, which had been raging on at every opportunity since after the potions class. He sat trying to work out his own inner turmoil, and going over the defence class he had just come out off in his mind. All in all, the class had gone fairly well, but it only added to his strange feelings of repulsion and attraction to Snape. There had been no duelling, since Snape had decided to give them a better insight into the Unforgivables instead. Although he did not cast them, as Moody/Grouch had done in his 5th Year, the way Snape spoke about them, especially the cruciatus, chilled Harry to the bone. The man sounded as though he loved the curses more than life itself. His voice had taken on a deep caressing tone that had sent shivers up and down Harry's spine much to his dismay. He wasn't sure if he was more horrified by his physical reaction to Snape's voice or by Snape's apparent attraction to the Dark Arts.

He knew he was in some way attracted to Snape but just couldn't work out why or how it had happened, he wasn't so stupid that he didn't realise that disgust and attraction were linked in some way, he probably wouldn't have been able to make that link a few days ago but he could see it clearly now. If he wasn't attracted to Snape, he wouldn't be feeling disgusted at himself, although he wasn't entirely sure if he was more disgusted by Snape or by his feelings for him. His disgust was a confusing mix of both he realised. Snape wasn't exactly the perfect man to be dreaming about; he wasn't attractive in the conventional sense, he wasn't even a very nice person but Harry had liked being held, kissed and touched by him.

1900hrs - Snape's Office

Harry stood yet again outside Snape's office and attempted to push all thoughts of Snape kissing him out his mind. He really hoped Snape wouldn't ask him to close his eyes tonight and tell him how he was feeling. If he did, he decided he would just have to lie. There was no way he was going to admit feeling disgust since he would have to explain what he was disgusted about; he may as well just tell the git he was attracted to him, and he wasn't about to do that.

Harry knocked on the old wooden door with a certain amount of confidence now that he had decided to lie about his feelings. His knock went unanswered. Trying the handle a moment later he found it unlocked. Stepping inside the empty office his eyes fell immediately to a single piece of parchment sitting in the middle of the large desk.

"Oh shit" Harry muttered as a rush of desire, excitement and disgust raged through him. One part of his mind desperately hoped that the note was cancelling his detention, the other, hoped that it was another invitation to the man's private quarters.

He slowly approached the desk and picked up the parchment, the familiar hand-written script appearing as he did so.

Mr Potter

I have been held up in a staff meeting; however, this does not excuse you from your detention. The wards on my quarters have been altered and will allow you access. You are to wait there until my return. Do not abuse this trust.

S.S

Harry stared at the note for a few moments. Snape trusted him in his private rooms alone. It was the second time that day the man had surprised him. Firstly the way he had seemed to care enough about Hermione's feelings to excuse her from drinking her Draught of Peace in front of Malfoy, that had been very unSnape like and now this. Snape trusted no-one. Remembering Hermione had found the note from the previous night he pocketed it, and headed toward the door separating the Potion Maser's office from his living quarters. The door opened slowly, without Harry having to knock or utter a word. He slipped inside, the door closing gently behind him as he did so, followed by an audible crackle as wards were reset.

"Welcome my Sslytherin sssspeaker. My Masster has insssstructed me to tell you to make yoursssself at home. You are truly honoured to be allowed in here alone, you musssst be a trusssstworthy and loyal Sssslyerthin."

"I am not a Ssssslytherin. Pleassse sstop calling me one," Harry hissed back.

"I mussst insssit. You may wear the mark of Gryffindor and in your heart you may believe you are one but where it matterssssss mossssst you are indeed a Sssslytherin my friend. You mussst accept thisssss to truly accept who you are. You have allowed your heart to rule your head for too long."

Harry stood wondering what the snake meant, as memories of his sorting ceremony flooded back. Was he really more Slytherin than he wanted to believe? He couldn't begin to consider that to be true. It went against everything he thought he believed in. Harry was so lost in thought, he didn't hear the door behind him open, and jumped slightly when Snape whispered in his ear.

"Talking to my familiar again Potter? What has he said to make you look so shocked?"

"Oh nothing. Just welcoming me to your quarters Sir. He really is a beautiful old snake."

"Beautiful he is and as old as Hogwarts itself. He has been handed down to the head of Slytherin since he first came here as Salazar's familiar all these years ago."

"He...He was Salazar Slytherins snake?"

Snape nodded briefly. "Some say he holds all the memories and knowledge of the founder himself."

"But he says I am a more a Slytherin than a Gryffindor!" Harry blurted out in shock that it was the Slytherin founder's snake who insisted he was a Slytherin.

"Ha!" Snape sneered "Does he really? Well that would be a headline stealer 'Sorting Hat makes mistake – Gryffindor Golden Boy is really a Slytherin!'"

Harry scowled at the reference to the sorting hat.

"I did not ask you to come here to entertain Syrus, however. The headmaster wants you to learn the skill of Occlumency, not perfect your Parselmouth." Snape removed his outer robe and gestured for Harry to follow him into his sitting room, dismissing the topic of houses, much to Harry's relief.

"Sit." Snape indicated to the leather sofa they had both occupied the previous evening with a nod of his head.

Once Harry sat, Snape lit the fire and stood with his back to him for a few moments watching the flames dance in the hearth. Harry shifted uncomfortably in his seat, a dread filling him about what might happen tonight. He desperately wanted to close off his feelings of attraction, to push away the increasing desire for Snape to sit next to him and hold him, to touch him. He was still disgusted at himself for wanting these things from a man who embodied everything he was repulsed by.

"Are you uncomfortable?" Snape asked eventually without turning to face Harry.

Harry stopped his fidgeting "No, I am fine Sir" Harry lied.

"If you are sure then we will begin."Sit back and close your eyes."

Harry wanted to tell Snape that he didn't want to continue this game he was playing, that he already understood what it was he was trying to teach him, that there was no need to close his eyes. Instead, he complied, thinking it would be better if he didn't protest.

"What are you feeling tonight Harry?"

The use of his first name so soon, in this now familiar routine, startled Harry and made his stomach flip over at the sound of it. It had been spoken with the deep soft tone that Harry, had only that day, thought sounded caressing.

"I don't feel anything much tonight Sir."

"Nothing at all? Are you sure?"

"I am tired I suppose and would like us to move these lessons on toward actual Occlumency. That is what they are meant to be for after all."

"You are frustrated at my teaching methods?

"Eh no nothing like that. I don't really feel anything."

"Open your eyes."

Snape had turned round and was looking at Harry intently.

"So you feel nothing. No anger, no anxiety or fear, not even a hint of confusion?"

"That's right, I feel nothing."

"Interesting. How about desire or excitement?"

"No! Nothing like that either," Harry said with a little more strain in his voice than he had intended.

"You have accepted who you are then? Fully accepted it?"

"Yes, I have little choice really."

"So why do you sound a little...perturbed by my asking about desire and excitement?"

"My sexual preferences are private."

"They are not private to me, not whilst I try to teach you control. Does that make you feel uncomfortable?"

"I have already told you I don't feel uncomfortable. I see where you are going with this Professor, but really, there is no need. I accept that I am gay, that I prefer men, but this is something I need to work through myself. It's not something I need to discuss with you."

"So you think you have an understanding of all your emotions, that you can control them, that you can shut your mind down to any strong emotive memory that may make your mind weak?"

"I don't know until we test it out, but yes I think I understand what it is you have been trying to teach me."

"Very well. We will test just how in control you are. Prepare yourself," Snape said drawing his wand suddenly.

Harry tensed and tried to empty his mind.

"Legilimens,"

The spell slammed into him. Snape was in his mind as easily as he had ever been. Memories of kissing Snape that morning in the Potions classroom flashed through his mind and Harry struggled to close down his thoughts and push Snape out. He really didn't want him to know how good being in his arms had made him feel. The memory moved on and he was now sitting by the lake with Hermione, she was telling him she thought Snape was sexy. Harry growled. His desire to keep his conversations with his friends private motivated him to push Snape out.

"You...you must promise to... keep that to yourself. Invading my privacy is one thing but my friends have a right to have their confidences kept private," Harry stammered after pushing Snape from his mind.

"However amusing I might find it, I really have no interest in Miss Granger's, or any other witch's, sentiments regarding me. I am sure you must realise this."

"Yeah, but it's not fair to have our conversation overheard in this way. What she said isn't what it sounded like anyway. It was out of context."

"Of course it is not fair! Having your mind invaded isn't fair! Do you think the Dark Lord gives a damn about what is fair?" Snape was sneering at him, and the familiar anger shone in his eyes.

Harry slumped further into the sofa.

Snape sighed and put his wand away.

"You are obviously not ready for this yet. There are clearly still some emotions you do not fully understand. Indeed, I would have been surprised if you had managed to work them all out yourself. There is more to human emotion that anger, fear, desire and excitement."

"Yeah I know. I am not stupid, even if I am an overemotional reckless fool."

"No Harry, you are just a normal young man."

"Normal? Ha!"

"Ah we are back to this again. So you haven't really accepted who or what you are."

"Accepting who I am and thinking I am normal are two very different things!"

"Is it?" Snape asked quietly in contrast to Harry raised voice.

"Of course it is! I mean you obviously accept who you are, but you can't tell me you think you are normal!"

Snape sat down beside Harry.

"What you see or think you understand about me, may in reality be very different from what I actually am. You of all people should understand that more than anyone. However, what I am is really none of your business. I am not concerned about whether you think I am normal or not. What is important is that my life is normal to me. If you cannot find normality in yourself, you will never find any sense of peace."

Snape paused, stood abruptly and walked back to the fireplace seemingly lost in thought. Harry wanted to understand what Snape was trying to tell him. It made sense in a way, but how could he ever think he was normal - he wasn't, and nothing would be able to convince him otherwise.

"Let me try to explain. True acceptance, of who you are, means you must see yourself as normal, regardless if it doesn't quite fit another person's view of normal, it must be yours. However, even true acceptance is not always enough to be at peace with your life. You can accept something to be true even if you despise it, allowing it to overcome you with bitterness and anger. If you allow this to continue, you will never have control over your life or find any peace. On the other hand, you can try letting go of these negative emotions, since you cannot change the past or the truth that is your life, but you can change your attitude and reaction to it. It is a common process when grieving something you feel you have lost. In relation to what we are discussing, you have lost what you consider to be a normal life - a life that conforms to the social norms. You must accept your life for what it is, make it your norm, try to be at peace with it, and not harbour any anger or bitterness about what life has given you."

"How can I ever think I am normal when everyone has always gone out of their way to tell me I am not? It's difficult to feel ok about being me when all I have ever heard is that I am a freak, that I am not normal. I can accept that I am not normal, but I will never find peace in that fact."

Snape growled in frustration.

"That is exactly my point. You accept you are not normal, do you not see there is something intrinsically wrong with that statement, have you not heard a word I have said?"

"I heard you, but nothing will ever make me feel as if I am normal, how could it. Even you said I wasn't normal the other night."

"I never said you were not normal. I said you were different. We are all different in one way or another and yes there are certain things that have made you stand out a little more perhaps than the average wizard, but your life should at least be normal to you, which is my point."

"So do you think your life is normal? That being a Death Eater is normal? That doing what that madman wants is normal?"

"I am not a Death Eater. I have not been for a very long time, as well you know, so please do not call me one. As far as what I have to do I have already told you, my life is normal to me. However, it does not define who I am any more than your scar or name defines you."

Harry hung his head. Snape was right; he should not have called him a Death Eater. He knew the man risked his life for the Order more than anyone should have to, and he did not deserve to be told he was not normal because of it. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to offend you."

"I am not offended. Why would I be? I do not care what people think of me. I know who I am and accept my role in life. I have to try to make my peace with it every day. I am not saying finding peace is always easy. Sometimes bitterness and anger are much easier to find but you must try if you are ever going to understand and control your emotions."

"I... I kind of see what you mean. I do accept my role in this war, it is normal to me but how can I be at peace with it? It doesn't make me happy, in fact it depresses me."

"Being at peace with something does not necessarily mean it will bring happiness. Do you think it makes me happy to go to the Dark Lords side every time he calls? Of course it doesn't. Why would that mean I cannot find peace in doing so? Peace and happiness are not synonymous. "

Harry growled and put his head in his hands. He understood what Snape was trying to tell him but it was all just too much to take on board. He would have to rethink his whole way of perceiving his life, his whole way of being. Snape understood him more than anyone ever had Harry realised. More than he understood himself, and he understood Snape more than he ever thought he would. Snape was bitter and angry most of the time, struggling to find peace with his role in life daily. Harry could clearly see that now.

A slight movement of the sofa made Harry aware that Snape had sat down beside him, but he didn't move and kept his face covered with his hands. His breath hitched slightly as he was overcome with a desire to be held, to be held tight in Snape's arms. He needed the physical closeness of someone who understood what he was going through. As though Snape had read his mind, although he knew he hadn't, a strong arm snaked round his waist and pulled him closer. Harry dropped his hands away from his face and turned to look at the man beside him. Their eyes met in mutual understanding for what felt like an eternity. Harry's heart was pounding. He felt an acceptance and peace wash over him that he had never experienced before, and he didn't know whether it was coming from being with someone who understood him, or from finally understanding himself a little better. The next thing he knew he was on Snape's lap being kissed passionately. He wasn't sure how he had got there, whether he had yet again flung himself at him or whether Snape had pulled him onto his lap, but Harry didn't care, he wanted this more than anything right now and he could not understand why he had ever thought being with him was disgusting. Harry returned the kiss with equal passion, but wanted more. He wanted to rid the man of his high collared robe and shirt, and to kiss the pale smooth skin of the neck he had seen the previous night. His hands came up and started unbuttoning Snape's robes without breaking the kiss. Snape didn't try to stop him; instead, he pulled Harry's t-shirt out his jeans and ran his hands under the material. He caressed his abdomen and chest in gentle but firm strokes, and his thumbs rubbed over his nipples as they went making Harry gasp into Snape's warm mouth. Small shocks of electricity ran down to his groin making him aware of how tight and restrictive his jeans were against his now painfully hard cock. He had managed to undo a few of the many buttons of Snape's shirt and robe but was growing frustrated at the slow progress. Breaking the kiss momentarily he growled, "Too many buttons, I need..."

Snape captured Harry's mouth again, cutting off his plea but he removed his hands from his under Harry's t-shirt, drew his wand in one quick motion, and wordlessly cast a spell that undid all the buttons on his robe and shirt. Harry broke the kiss again, sat back further on Snape's lap, and pushed the material of the thick black robe and crisp white shirt aside. His heart rate increased further and his cock twitched at the sight of the toned muscles Snape hid under his voluminous robes.

"Oh God," Harry said breathlessly as he ran his hands over the porcelain white skin before him and leaned down to kiss and lick the hard nubs that were Snape's nipples. He felt Snape tense as a small quiet groan escaped the normally stoic man's lips.

"Harry?" Snape sounded as breathless as Harry felt but with a deeper rougher tone than Harry had ever heard the man use.

Harry ignored the questioning element to the way Snape had said his name and continued to kiss his way back up to Snape's welcoming mouth.

A few minutes later Snape broke the kiss and placed his hands on Harry's chest, holding him back slightly with a questioning look now clear in his eyes.

"Snape...god... don't stop this."Harry pleaded.

Snape continued to look at him as if he was trying to work something out.

"Please, I want you," Harry's voice was rough with arousal.

His words seemed to break something in Snape, who launched forward and kissed Harry with such passion that Harry could hardly breathe. Large strong hands gripped his arse and held him up as Snape stood. Harry wrapped his legs around Snape's hips, so that his cock pressed against his hard abdomen as he was carried back through the entrance hallway, and past Syrus, who hissed something as they went. But Harry wasn't listening to the snake; he was too intent on exploring Snape's neck with his tongue and mouth, and enjoying the feeling of the rapid rise and fall of the man's chest against his as he panted heavily. Harry was lowered onto a soft cool surface; the weight of Snape's body coming to rest on top of him in one movement. Hands were back under his t-shirt briefly before he felt it being tugged upward. Snape knelt up between his legs but since Harry still had his arms around the man's neck he sat up with him before having to let go to allow for his t-shirt to be pulled over his head. Once free of his t-shirt, Harry pulled at Snape's robes and shirt helping him remove them completely. Snape pushed Harry gently back onto a large bed which Harry presumed to be Snape's, but he didn't really care where they were at this moment, as long as what they were doing didn't stop. Snape remained kneeling between his legs looking at him with a burning desire that Harry thought might consume him. His hands were still on his chest from when he had pushed him back and they started massaging his muscles and running them over ribs and abdomen. Harry reached up and ran his hands down Snape's chest and when they reached the waistband of his trousers he quickly undid the top button. Snape's massaging motion stilled, his breath hitched, and his muscles tensed. Harry looked up from where he was gazing at the obvious evidence that Snape was as equally aroused as he was, and met dark eyes clouded with desire.

"Harry... I... I don't know if this is such a good idea. Are you sure this is what you want?" Snape's voice was raspy, as if it had taken every last ounce of control he had to speak.

"Does it look like I don't want this?" Harry thrust his hips up; the material covering his cock was taut and straining. "Don't you dare back away from me now you Git!"

Snape half snorted, half growled at Harry calling him a git, but leaned back down and resumed kissing him although a bit less passionately than previously. It was as though he was over thinking what he was doing, trying to slow things down, and control it.

"Stop trying to control everything Snape. Fuck. You are infuriating!" Harry gasped out when Snape broke away from Harry's mouth to trail his tongue down to his neck.

Snape sat back up on his knees again. "Harry, I think you may call me Severus, don't you think it is a little better than Snape or Git, considering?"

"I don't care what I call you. Just stop trying to slow this down! God Severus, can you just for once let yourself relax a little!"

"Oh I am relaxed Harry, but I am not 17. There are some things in life worth stopping and thinking about or at least trying to take your time over before plunging in head first."

Harry grunted in frustration, thrusting his hips up at the man again.

"Too painful to go slowly!"

Severus let out a choked sounding laugh but brought his hand down to Harry's waistband and slowly undid the button and zip.

"You're a fucking tease!" Harry said between involuntary thrusts of his hips. The sensation the slow movement the zip made as it was pulled down over his cock driving him crazy.

"I am not teasing, just trying to give you enough time to be utterly sure of what you are doing."

Harry started to lift his hips and pull at his trousers with every intention of removing them, but Severus slapped his hands away before ghosting a hand over the fabric of his boxers beneath, ever so slightly palming his hard length.

Harry lifted his hips of the bed again seeking more pressure against his cock from Severus' hand but Severus snatched his hand away at the movement and sighed as he rocked backwards and sat on his heels.

"So Harry. Have you accepted that you prefer men?"

"What the fuck kind of question is that? Is that not fucking obvious?" Harry spat out, sitting up, legs still apart since Snape was kneeling between them.

"Yes maybe it is, but are you at peace with what it is you currently desire?"

"Please don't turn this in to a lesson, Snape."

"I need to know, before we take this any further Harry."

"I want you, is that not all that matters?"

"You want me? Do you really? How will you feel about this in the morning if I take your virginity tonight?"

"I don't know how I will feel, but I want you now! Is that not enough?"

"No it isn't. I need to know you are at peace with this."

"Fuck Snape don't do this to me! Is this just a game to you? It is, isn't it?

"Of course it is not a game, but unless you can tell me you are completely at peace with being with me, then this has to stop."

"Oh I get it! This is just another fucking lesson in control! You are trying to show me how impulsive and reckless I am! How out of control I can become!" Harry pushed himself up, jumped off the bed and grabbed his discarded t-shirt.

Snape reached out and grabbed Harry's arm, trying to stop him from leaving. "Potter, if you leave now you are being reckless and impulsive, but I need to hear the truth about what you have been feeling today. I know you were lying to me earlier about feeling nothing."

Harry thought the man was sneering at him and his stomach tightened.

"Get your filthy, greasy, hands off me you git! You want to know what I have been feeling? All right, I will tell you. All day I have been disgusted at myself for wanting you, but now I am totally repulsed by you. You are the cruellest, sickest, most sadistic bastard I have ever met and I fucking hate you!"

Snape let go of Harry's arm and a sad smile fleeted over his face as he watched him leave.

A/N Ok Don't hate me too much! But I had to leave it here. Sorry it has taken me so long to get this chapter up. Things have been a little crazy for me recently and it did turn out way longer than I had planned for half the whole story to be!

Thanks to everyone who is reading this. Especially my reviewers! Please keep reviewing if you are still reading! They mean so much to me! LHx
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