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To have loved, and lost (was Missed Chances)	By : professorflo Category: Harry Potter > Het - Male/Female > Snape/Hermione Views: 10677 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 1
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any of the characters within. I make no money from this story.

Chapter List
- 1-Remebrance
- 2-2.
- 3-3.
- 4-4.
- 5-5.
- 6-6.
- 7-7.
- 8-8.
- 9-9.
- 10-10.
- 11-11.
- 12-12.
- 13-13.
- 14-14.
- 15-15.
- 16-16.
- 17-17.
- 18-18.
- 19-19.
- 20-20.
- 21-21.
- 22-22.
- 23-23.
- 4
- 5
- 6
Severus held tight to the counter to stop himself from falling, and took another swig from the bottle, dimly registering that he could barely feel it go down now, despite it being strong enough to have created a pleasant burn even for someone well used to drinking the stuff. It was a waste of an excellent bottle, he realised, noting the label for the first time. It was a bottle of Blishen’s, aged 51 years like only the very rarest, most expensive bottles were. It had been a gift from Lucius on his wedding day, along with a number of more inexpesive bottles.

“Don’t waste the good one on getting pissed,” his friend had said. “That’s what the cheap ones are for.”

If only he’d applied the same advice to his marriage.

2 years, 5 months earlier

He felt her finally give in to his advances as she relaxed beneath him, snaking her arms around his waist hesitantly, and he felt a surge of triumph. She was his. He had to hold himself back from ripping the robe off her body and plunging straight into her, but it was her first time, and if he wanted to keep her coming back for more, or willingly at least, then he needed to make it special for her. The momentary thought that he wanted his bride to enjoy her first time for her own sake, rather than his own, was strange enough that he dismissed it as mere fancy, no doubt brought on by months of abstinence.

Wanting to take his time and savour the experience – he’d waited this long, there was no point rushing now; he gently eased the neck of her robe downwards, exposing the swell of her breasts. He kissed a slow trail down her neck, relishing the sweetness of her skin and making her whine as she dug her fingers into his shoulders. He pushed the material down further with his cheek, finally uncovering a tightly furled nipple which he gently sucked into his mouth. At this Hermione moaned beneath him, arching her back and trying to pull him tighter against her. She wasn’t acting how he had expected her to, all virginal and shy. Merlin, if she was going to always be this enthusiastic a lover, then it would be no hardship for him to relinquish his womanising ways

He continued laving the tight bud with his tongue, even as he took a peek up at her face. His bride was truly a picture, her head thrown back and her expression unguarded in her pleasure. She was so different from the contrived and careful seductions of his former lovers, so artless in the way she encouraged him with every part of her body wrapped around him. He decided there and then he was going to make her come before he took her, wanting to hear her cry out his name as he tasted her sweet, untouched pussy.

Severus lifted his mouth from her breast to concentrate on working her robe down her stomach and down over her hips. Hermione took the opportunity to start pushing his own black wedding robes off his shoulders. Like her, he had nothing on underneath, so it wasn’t long before they’d manged to rid each other of the material, and finally had full access to each other’s naked bodies completely for the first time.

He paused for a moment, looking down at the witch beneath him on the bed. Her wild hair was spread across the sheets like a golden halo, her eyes heavy with desire. Her slender limbs shone palely in the candlelight, although more than a hint of blush covered her English Rose complexion. Even the faded scar that ran from just below her collar bone and down between her breasts couldn’t detract from her beauty, and the way she unashamedly displayed her body to him, despite her inexperience, was pleasing. No false modesty or self-consciousness. He could have understood a little shyness, but he could see nothing but lust on her face.

For a second his own confidence wavered. How could someone like her want a battered old man like him? He glanced down at his own body, the slightly loose paunch left over from the way his weight had yoyo’d depending on much stress he’d been under at the time, his pasty skin covered with silver scars. What the hell did she see in him? He wasn’t handsome, or particularly pleasant to be around. But then she lifted her arms around his neck, and pulled him down to meet her lips again, and for a while all thought was lost.

He was content just to kiss her for a minute or so, although his hands roamed freely over any part of her body that he could reach, squeezing and stroking, even as hers did the same to him. Eventually her quiet whimpers and writhing hips told him of her frustration at the lack of progression. With a silent grin against her lips he began to kiss his way down her body, pausing once more at her pert tits to flick his tongue across first one nipple, then the other.

Moving down, he discovered that the undersides of her breasts were especially sensitive, and he filled the information away for a later date before continuing. Enjoying the way her flat stomach twitched as he brushed his lips across her warm skin, he lingered for a few moments, although his fingers slowly continued their meandering path towards the juncture of her legs. He’d never liked much foreplay, only making the effort when it was necessary for his purposes. He’d certainly never enjoyed doing to other women what he was about to do to his new wife, but her reactions to everything he did were so different to the practiced moans of his previous partners, that he was desperate to see what new sounds her could draw from her.

His fingers finally reached their goal, brushing lightly across the hair covering her mons. Severus paused for a moment to make sure she was comfortable before carefully brushing the tips across her clit. Hermione gasped quietly and grabbed the bed sheet in one hand, even as the other gripped his shoulder tightly. She was surprisingly wet already, boosting Severus’s confidence over how well his seduction was affecting her. Gently he began to rub the small nub in circles, occasionally dipping deeper between her legs to gather moisture, but not yet pressing into her entrance. Her hips began to undulate in time with his fingers, but she was still silent. Looking up, he could see that she had her eyes closed and was biting down on her lower lip, muting her cries. The hand that was between her legs came up for a moment to tap on her mouth.

“Don’t do that,” he growled quietly. “I want to hear you.”

Eyes that burned with desire fixed on him for a moment, and her tongue darted out to taste where his fingers had left the slightest smear of her own juices on her lips. Sweet Nimue! He hissed as his cock twitched eagerly against the mattress. She was going to be the death of him.

More impatient now than before to taste her, he returned his fingers to her pussy, even as he pushed himself up onto his opposite elbow so he could move. He felt more than saw Hermione stiffen slightly as he scrambled a bit further down the bed, settling between her legs. She automatically tried to close her legs, but Severus was in the way. She’d never gone anyway near this far with anyone before, he knew, so it wasn’t surprising that she was feeling anxious. Hoping to calm her nerves, or even better, make her forget them completely, he began to kiss and nuzzle his cheek up the inside of her inner thigh as he slowly pressed her legs apart again.

“Severus?” she asked, a hint of concern in her voice.

“Just relax, pet. This will feel good, I promise.”

The effort it took for her to lie back was clear on her face, and Severus could tell she was still uncomfortable, although he was sure she wouldn’t be once he got going.

He looked down at her pussy, arrayed before him, her clit gleaming wetly and the tight slit below. Tracing the latter with his fingertips he finally lowered his mouth to her, swiping his tongue lightly across the bud a few times before drawing it between his lips and sucking gently. Hermione’s hips jerked as she cried out wordlessly, and he wrapped his free arm around her thigh to steady her. Using his fingers to spread her slightly, he ran his tongue down her opening, before delving inside. Enjoying the way expletives fell from her mouth, he doubled his efforts, swirling his tongue between her lips and occasionally slipping back up to lave at her clit. At the same time he used his fingers to gently push into to her, trying to stretch her hymen a little to make his eventual entrance less painful.

It didn’t take long before her cries told him she was getting close, and the rhythmic undulations of her hips threatened his ability to breathe. He held her down, redoubling his efforts until he felt her muscles spasm around his fingers as her back arched.

“Se… Severus… Oh shit!” she cried, her fists gripping the sheets tightly.

He continued to gently stroke her with his tongue until her shaking stopped. Looking up at her, he had to supress a grin at her slightly dazed look and dishevelled state. Now he was no longer concentrating on making her climax, he was very aware of his own need, throbbing almost painfully against the bed. He’d done all he could to guarantee her enjoyment this evening, and to convince her to come back for more, and now it was his turn. Wiping his thumb across his mouth to remove the remains of her orgasm he began to move back up her body, kissing her flushed skin until he reached her mouth.

“Hermione…” His voice was husky with desire as he pressed his lips to hers. “Are you ready?”

She wrapped her arms around him and bent her knees slightly so her hips cradled his.

“I’m ready. Make me yours,” she whispered back, pulling him down for a searing kiss.

When the kiss ended he reached down between them and placed his cock at her entrance. She stilled beneath him in anticipation, fingers gripping his shoulders, face buried in his neck. He began to push into her, feeling the tension in her body mount as her discomfort grew. Realising that it was perhaps best to get it done quickly, Severus pulled his hips back a little, and then thrust hard. All the earlier foreplay had only served to lubricate her, and that single push was enough for him to bury himself completely within her.

Mine… At last!

Hermione let out a strangled sob beneath him and dug her nails in. Severus could feel the dampness where her cheek pressed into his neck and he knew that despite his best efforts to make it as painless as possible it had not been enough. But he had waited for this moment too long, held back as long as he could. A girl’s first time was never pleasant; he would make it up to her later that evening though. He gave her a few moments to accustom herself to the feel of him before he began to gently move against her again.

She felt so good, the warmth of her skin against his, the tightness of her muscle around his cock were all the better for having denied himself such pleasures. Unable to help himself, he began to snap his hips faster, alternately pressing his lips against her neck and nibbling on the sweet spot when it met her shoulder. He could tell the moment her pain was overwhelmed by pleasure, and knowing he would not be able to hold himself back for long, he knelt back so he could play with her clit long enough for her to come again as he continued to thrust shallowly into her.

It didn’t take long from her to scream out her completion once more. The sight of her, fevered skin, head thrown back as his cock, streaked with her virgin blood and cum, pierced her pretty cunt again and again, was too much for him. Immediately he dropped back down on top of her, and began to plunge into her furiously. Mere moments later he was growling out his own release into her neck, his hips jerking wildly until he felt spent.

Severus pushed away the sudden desire to just lie there and hold her close against his body. No doubt it had something to do with the endorphins that were flowing through his body after the first sex he’d had in far too long. This had always been the point at which he made a fairly hasty retreat, and although he didn’t want to upset her, he didn’t want her to get the impression he was the affectionate type. He’d always known he would never get close to another person like that, ever since Lily had run of with Potter.

He rolled off her, moving to the far side of the bed in the hope she wouldn’t expect him to… cuddle. She lay next to him in silence for a minute, her chest still heaving with the exertion. He watched her breasts rising and falling with each breath out of the corner of his eye. Gods they were magnificent, just the perfect size. He turned his head slightly and ran a critical eye down her body. It was every bit as perfect as he’d imagined, and had felt every bit as good to have beneath him as he’d dreamt of for the past few years. By Merlin, he must be the luckiest bastard in the entire wizarding world, to have a woman like her choose a grumpy and unattractive man like himself. What she saw in him he still didn’t understand, but it was far too late to change her mind now.

“See something you like?”

In his lazy perusal of her body he’d not noticed her turn her head to face him. He looked up from where he’d been admiring the rather shapely legs that had been wrapped round his hips not long before, to see her smiling nervously at him. To his surprise he could feel his desire for her rising again, although it would be a while before he could do anything about it, at least not without the phial of stamina potion hiding in the bedside table.

Hermione was still looking expectantly at him, waiting for him to do or say something. He was sure, without pressing into her mind, that she wanted some post-coital affection. He needed to distract her, make her think she’d got what she needed.

“I see a lot that I like,” he purred, watching with delight the resulting blush that spread down over her chest. He couldn’t help but reach across to gently run his fingers over a breast, making her twitch, down across her flat stomach to a hip.

He could tell before she moved what she was about to do, and before she could reach over to embrace him, he rolled over, reaching out to open the drawer of the bedside table. Ignoring the stamina potion, he grabbed the phial next to it, before turning back to face her.

“Take it.” He proffered it to her. She hesitated for a moment until he continued. “It’s a healing potion. It’ll help… you know…”

“Oh… thank you,” she smiled at his thoughtfulness and grabbed the phial, sitting up so she could down it in one go.

Severus couldn’t take his eyes off the way her breasts moved as she lifted the potion to her lips, depositing the phial on the set of drawers her side of the bed when she’d finished. The quiet clearing of her throat made him look up and realise he’d been caught. Not that there was anything wrong with ogling your own wife’s tit’s of course. The inviting smile on her lips made him realise she didn’t see any problem with it either.

She shifted toward him, reaching out to run her hand down his thigh. Her touch was electric, and despite having cum mere minutes before, he found his desire to take her once more rising.

“Can I help you, wife?” he growled, a slight smirk gracing his face as she continued to trail her fingers up and down his flanks as her eyes followed their progress.

She shrugged coquettishly, although she’d been unable to keep a momentary grin off her face at the way he’d addressed her. “You know me, husband, they say that practise makes perfect, and I don’t like settling for anything less than outstanding marks.” She blushed at her own forwardness, but managed to lift her eyes to his.

Severus hissed between his teeth as her warm fingers wrapped themselves around his cock. It looked like he wasn’t going to need that stamina potion after all.

It was even better the second time, his newly-deflowered wife having taken much more of an active role now that she was no longer in pain. This time, as he rolled offthe top of her, she followed him, her arm sneaking around his waist as she tucked herself into his side. He paused, uncomfortable and unsure how to respond. Her warm body felt amazing against his, all softness and curves. He was acutely aware of her breasts pressed into his side, the silkiness of the leg that had slipped over his, and the gentle puff of her breath on his chest. If this was the type of intimacy he could expect from his wife, then perhaps it wouldn’t be so hard to bear. No… this is not a good idea. It’ll start this way, but she’ll want more and more from you every time. Everyone always does.

“Mmnn, that was amazing, Severus,” the witch in his arms murmured contentedly. “I love you.”

He couldn’t help but tense at her words, but she didn’t seem to notice. He’d managed to put off this moment, clearly taking care to hint at feelings he didn’t possess while never actually saying them. He’d always known, however, that this moment was unavoidable at some point.

Hermione laughed softly to herself. “I can’t believe I’ve not told you that before.” She looked up at him. “I love you, Severus.”

Her smile, so confident and sure, made his stomach clench. There was silence for a few moments, as he tried to formulate a response with her looking up at him expectantly.

“I…” He paused, unable to complete the sentiment. Perhaps if this moment had come before their marriage, he would have forced himself to say it, in order that he didn’t lose her. But now he already had her, and he just couldn’t bring himself to say it when he didn’t mean it.

“I… I need to use the bathroom before we sleep.” He pulled abruptly out of her arms, rolling over so he could sit up and swing his legs down. He tried to ignore the look on hurt and disappointment he’d caught on her face before he’d turned away. His stomach seemed to cramping again. Clearly he’d eaten far too much rich food at their celebratory dinner earlier.

As he took his first step away from the bed, she spoke quietly from behind him. “I don’t mind, you know. I understand.”

Severus was silent for a moment while he reached for the dressing gown that lay across the chair. As he finished tying the belt around his waist he finally replied, his voice toneless. “What do you understand?” Had she seen though his plan all along? If so, why had she married him? His heart seemed to pound in his chest as he heard her scrambling across to his side of the bed and come to stand behind him. He almost jumped when her small hands came to rest at his waist.

“You don’t feel comfortable saying it. I don’t mind.”

“Saying what?” he growled, turning suddenly to face her. He wasn’t sure now that they were thinking of the same thing.

She swallowed roughly. “That you… love me. It’s ok, you don’t need to say it until you’re ready. I don’t need to hear it said to know that you do.” It almost sounded like a question.

Severus couldn’t help the snort of laughter that seemed to come from nowhere. “Is that what you think?” he asked, unable to help himself, despite the fact that this conversation was becoming dangerous.

“Yes, I do,” she replied, though he could see the hint of uncertainty in her eyes at his response. “Harry told me… about your childhood, your parents. It must have been horrible, Severus. I understand it must be difficult to express your feelings.” She reached up to touch a cheek, but he batted it away.

“Oh yes, and what else did Potter tell you?” he snarled. How dare the boy speak of what he’d learned to anyone, even her? Severus had managed to get through the inquiry after the battle without revealing too much of the memories he’d shown Potter. Knowing the antidote in his blood was already neutralising the venom from that damned snake, he’d only given Potter enough to realise his true allegiance, along with the information Albus had asked him to pass on. Thank Merlin he’d only shown the idiot boy the memories pertaining to his friendship with Lily. Nimue knows what trouble would have been caused if he’d known enough of Severus’ true feelings to discuss them with Hermione.

From the look on his wife’s face she knew she’d said something wrong, but wasn’t quite sure as to what. He watched as she struggled to find the right words that would diffuse the situation. Unfortunately she only managed to make things worse.

“He told me about your friendship with his mother… with Lily, how you protected him despite the fact she stopped speaking to you. I think it was very cruel of her not to forgive what you said…”

“You know nothing about it!” He grabbed her by the upper arms. How dare she speak of Lily to him, and in such a manner! “She meant far more to me than just a friend. I loved her then, and I always will.”

She was shocked, but still clearly didn’t fully comprehend what he was saying. “But what about me? I thought you…”

“You clearly thought wrong!” He could see the train wreck approaching, but was powerless to stop what he had already started. “You’ll never mean to me what she did. I’ve always loved her… and I’ll never love you!”

The moment the words dropped from his lips he wished he could take them back. His new wife’s face had frozen in disbelief, although to his relief there didn’t seem to be any tears coming. He hated crying women. It wasn’t so much her feelings that he was worried about, although there was a small voice telling him he’d been an unmitigated bastard towards her, but he was more concerned the fact that he had likely scuppered any chance of getting in between her legs more than the required Ministry minimum. Why couldn’t he have kept his mouth shut, or even better, lied to the girl. He’d spent years lying to one of the most feared men alive, why couldn’t he have managed to do the same to her.

He watched her uncertainly for a moment, wondering what to do next. The silence between them seemed to stretch on for hours, before she finally spoke.

“Thank you for clearing up that misunderstanding.”

He could only admire her strength. Her voice had barely wavered, and her expression was hard and unyielding, despite the fact she’d just been dealt a devastating blow. For once he felt no urge to push into her head and find out what she was thinking.

“If you’ll excuse me, it’s late, and I’d like to get some sleep,” she said tightly.

Severus could only watch as she turned and moved back towards the bed. He then fled to the bathroom, where he studiously avoided looking at himself in the mirror as he cleaned off all the evidence of what they’d been doing for the past few hours. Was there anything he could do to reverse the damage he’d done to his new marriage? He was pretty sure there was nothing that could be done.

When he slunk back into the bedroom half an hour later Hermione had doused all candles but the one on his side of the bed, and seemed to be asleep under the covers. He climbed in beside her, and lay for a while, just looking at the figure that slept with her back to him. How could he have been so foolish, mucking it up so soon? After so many years of being treated like dirt, he’d finally got what he’d seen as his just reward: the brilliant and girl he’d been lusting after for years, and to top it off, she actually cared for him. He could almost see the future that could have been; despite his love for Lily, he would have made the most of what he had, but as with everything else, he’d ruined it.

He almost reached out to her, to ask her forgiveness… to lie and say he did care for her, but in the end he was too much of a coward to be able to bear her disdain. His hand dropped down to the cold sheets between them, and after a moment he rolled over to extinguish the last candle with a sigh of regret. Sleep was a long time coming that night, but eventually his weariness overcame his overactive mind, and he slept.

When he woke, her side of the bed was cold and empty.
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To have loved, and lost (was Missed Chances)