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Lost and Damned	By : danniperson Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male > Harry/Snape Views: 24087 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, the characters or the world or anything, and I make absolutely no profit from this.

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LOST AND DAMNED

I Wish This Could Have Been Any Other Way

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"…but then we were rudely interrupted by Severus Snape!"

"What?"

Harry froze in his walking and stared at Trelawney. It was only a few days after Christmas break had ended and Harry had been given a note by Hermione telling him to meet Dumbledore for another meeting. He had run into the Divination teacher on the way there. She began babbling on about her Inner Eye and such nonsense, but he began paying attention when she brought up the day she interviewed with Dumbledore for the Divination post, since he knew that to be the night she had unknowingly made the Prophecy about Harry and Dumbledore. Now she was saying that…that Severus had overheard them? He swallowed hard, his pulse racing and his mind refusing to wrap around the notion.

"Yes, there was a commotion outside the door and it flew open, and there was that rather uncouth barman standing with Snape, who was waffling about having come the wrong way up the stairs, although I'm afraid that I myself rather thought he had been apprehended eavesdropping on my interview with Dumbledore-you see, he himself was seeking a job at the time, and no doubt hoped to pick up tips! Well, after that, you know, Dumbledore seemed much more disposed to give me a job, and I could not help thinking, Harry, that it was because he appreciated the stark contrast between my own unassuming manners and the quiet talent, compared to the pushing, thrusting young man who was prepared to listen at keyholes-Harry, dear?"

Trelawney had only just noticed that Harry had stopped and turned to look at him, seeming concerned and frightened. "Harry?" she repeated uncertainly. Harry didn't really have it in him to respond, just staring at her as his mind raced. Severus…his Severus…had been there. He had been the one to overhear the prophecy. Severus told Voldemort. Severus and Pettigrew had worked together to send Voldemort after his parents. They were the reason James and Lily Potter were dead.

Harry felt sick.

"Harry?" said Trelawney again. "Harry-I thought we were going to see the headmaster together?"

"You stay here," Harry said through numb lips.

"But dear…I was going to tell him how I was assaulted in the Room of-"

"You stay here!" Harry snapped.

She looked alarmed as he ran past her, but Harry didn't care. He ran straight to Dumbledore's office with his head spinning, shouting the password at the gargoyle and running up to the office. Dumbledore sat behind his desk, his smile fading when Harry entered. "Harry-?"

Harry opened his mouth, but found that he was unable to speak. His body trembled with rage and he could see spots of red and black blaring in front of his eyes. He couldn't remember how to talk or do anything for a while.

"Harry? What has happened?" Dumbledore asked in concern.

"Snape," Harry finally managed to hiss.

Dumbledore frowned and looked surprised. "What happened, Harry? Did you have a fight?"

"Oh, we're going to," Harry vowed. "He…is the reason…my parents…are DEAD!"

"What makes you think that, Harry?" Dumbledore asked a bit too calmly and a bit too quietly.

"Snape," Harry hissed, refusing to use the man's given name or even the respected title of Professor or anything of that nature. "He told Voldemort about the prophecy! It was him! He listened outside the door, Trelawney told me!"

For a long moment, Dumbledore said nothing, his expression not changing, though he looked paler. "When did you hear about this/"

"Just now!" Harry snapped. "AND YOU LET HIM TEACH HERE AND HE TOLD VOLDEMORT TO GO AFTER MY MUM AND DAD! YOU ENCOURAGED ME TO-TO BE WITH HIM! THE MAN WHO IS RESPONSIBLE FOR MY PARENTS BEING DEAD! HE IS THE REASON VOLDEMORT CAME AFTER ME IN THE FIRST PLACE!"

Breathing hard, Harry turned away from Dumbledore, pacing up and down the study, rubbing his knuckles in his hand, using every bit of restraint he had not to do something incredibly stupid and knocking things over.

"Harry, please listen to me. Professor Snape made a terrible-"

"Don't tell me it was a mistake, sir, he was listening at the door!"

"Pleas, let me finish," Dumbledore said, waiting until Harry nodded curtly before going on. "Professor Snape made a terrible mistake that night. He was still in Lord Voldemort's employ on the night he heard the first half of Professor Trelawney's prophecy. Naturally, he hastened to tlel his master what he had heard, for it concerned his master most deeply. But he did not know-he had no possible way of knowing-which boy Voldemort would hunt from then onward, or that the parents he would destroy in his murderous quest were people that Professor Snape knew, that they were your mother and father-"

"He hated my dad!" Harry snapped.

"You have no idea of the remorse Professor Snape felt when he realized how Lord Voldemort had interpreted the prophecy, Harry. I believe it to be the greatest regret of his life and the reason that he returned-"

"But he's a very good Occlumens, isn't he, sir?" said Harry, whose voice was shaking with the effort to keep it steady. "And isn't Voldemort convinced that Snape's on his side, even now? Professor…how can you be sure Snape's on our side?"

"I am sure. I trust Severus Snape completely," Dumbledore said. "And I would have thought you might have more faith in the man you claim to love."

Harry bit his tongue to keep from responding. He did love Severus, he wanted to retort. And it wasn't as if that wasn't true. He did love Severus, even now. But how could he? How could he still love him, still trust him, when he now knew that Severus had…he had been the reason that Harry had lost his family. He was the reason Harry had to grow up with the Dursleys. He was the reason…The reason for everything. All of the good Severus had done didn't make sense, didn't matter to Harry who was too blinded by his rage and his pain to allow any sort of positive thoughts about the man who had contributed, in some small way, to the death of his parents. The very reason Voldemort had chosen Harry…The very reason Harry had this destiny to begin with.

"What do you want to show me today?" Harry asked instead after a few minutes.

"Harry, we shou-" Dumbledore said.

"I don't want to talk about it," Harry said stiffly.

Dumbledore didn't seem too certain, but he nodded his head and picked out the memory he wanted to show Harry today.

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The memory they saw was that of Professor Horace Slughorn, an apparently tampered memory. And it was apparently up to Harry to retrieve the real one…An important piece to this puzzle about Voldemort. But how was he going to do that? Slughorn may have favored him a bit, but that didn't mean he could just waltz up to the man and demand that information? The memory was changed for a reason and Harry didn't think it would be such a simple task as sending the famous Harry Potter after him.

Harry was lost in thought over the whole thing that he hardly noticed where he was going. Only running into someone as he turned a corner jogged him out of his thoughts. Harry blinked in surprise, immediately tensing up when he realized it was Severus. He wasn't as angry as he had been earlier, but he still wasn't sure what to think of what he had learned. He really didn't want to think about it right now. He folded his arms over his chest and resisted the urge to glare at the man. He must have seen something on his face, though, for Severus looked at him uncertainly, raising his eyebrow. "Potter."

"Sorry, Professor," he said stiffly, moving to walk past the man.

"Harry," Severus said quietly and Harry glanced over his shoulder. The man looked around for a moment before moving closer. "What's wrong? Did something happen?"

Harry swallowed hard and turned to face Severus. "Y-D…Dumbledore just wants me to do something," he muttered, avoiding the man's eyes.

Severus raised his eyebrow. "Care to elaborate?"

"He wants me to…get something from Professor Slughorn. It's kind of important for our lessons, but I think it might be sort of hard to get," Harry explained, struggling to keep what anger he did feel under control. Severus was on the staff and he had been a student of Slughorn's…He might be of some use. "Do you have any idea how…I could butter him up or…something?" he asked hopefully.

"What is it you need from him?" Severus asked curiously.

Harry sighed heavily. "You know I can't tell you. Dumbledore said I'm not allowed to tell anyone." Harry especially didn't want to tell him anything after what he had just learned tonight.

"Of course," Severus said coldly.

Harry narrowed his eyes at him. "Well, you can't exactly blame him for not trusting you," he snapped, beginning to walk off again.

He didn't make it very far. In two long strides, Severus was at his side and pushing him into a wall, holding his wand at his chest. "What exactly is that supposed to mean, Potter?"

"What? Going to kill me like you got my parents killed, Snape?" he snarled.

Severus froze, his expression entirely unreadable.

"Yeah, I heard all about it," Harry said, shoving him away. He didn't move far, though, just standing to glare at the man. "I heard about what you did. You were the one who overheard the prophecy. You told Voldemort. You are the reason he came after me.You are the reason that my parents are dead!"

"That is in the past," Severus said stiffly.

"Right," Harry said, rolling his eyes. "Did you ever plan on telling me about it, then?"

Severus stared at him hard. "I didn't think it was important."

"You didn't think it was important?" Harry asked incredulously. "It involves me, Severus! My past…My family!"

"Do you think I'm proud of it?" Severus hissed. "You know what I was, Harry. You knew who I used to be!"

"Yeah, well I didn't know that, did I?" Harry snapped.

"You didn't need to know," Severus replied, voice still cold, eyes still blank, betraying nothing.

"Why not?" Harry demanded. "Is it because you thought I'd see you for what you really are?"

Anger flashed through those black eyes. "I haven't been that man in a long time, Potter," he said in a dangerous voice.

"How am I supposed to know that?" Harry demanded.

Momentarily the anger was gone, replaced by surprise and by hurt. Harry blinked and shrank back a bit, feeling sick to his stomach. His anger melted away and he felt nothing but horror and guilt building up strongly inside of him.

"I suppose you don't have any reason to," Severus remarked, stepping back. His face was blank again, but Harry could still see that shockingly pained look in his dark eyes.

"Severus, I-" Harry began, though he wasn't really sure what to say. He swallowed hard and just watched Severus.

"Professor Snape," Severus corrected, voice cold. "And a detention is in order, I believe, for your insolence. With Mr. Filch, tomorrow night."

Harry nodded numbly and watched Severus walk away.

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Severus stood just inside the door of his rooms, feeling the door closing itself off behind him. His hand twitched, fingers clenching around his wand. He needed to destroy something. He needed to do something. He leaned back against the wall, breathing heavily as he glared at the room. Flicking the wand he sent the couch slamming into the wall and sent his chair rolling until it hit his bedroom door. The bookshelf fell over and pages ripped out of books. Cushions exploded and the fire crackled dangerously. The doors slammed open and he strode across the room, kicking his chair aside and marching into his bedroom, swishing his wand around some more. Lamps crashed into the floor, bedside tables falling onto their sides and the drawers flying out of them.

He could destroy everything. It could all be easily fixed…Though he wasn't sure he wanted to fix anything. He summoned his brandy, frowning when he realized it was almost empty and summoned the firewhiskey as well.

Harry didn't trust him. He had every right not to. Harry hated him. As he should.

He was right. Severus was responsible for Lily's death. He was the reason Harry had nearly died…The reason the Dark Lord had gone after him.

How had he been so foolish? To fall in love with the very boy whose life he had ruined? Maybe he had dedicated his life since Lily's death trying to protect her son. But what could make up for doing what he had done? Nothing could redeem him. He had made the choice to follow the Dark Lord. He had chosen to tell him what he had heard. Maybe he tried everything he could to protect them, but what good had it done? The damage had been done. Nothing he could ever do would fix anything.

Severus should have known better. Nothing good would ever come to him. He didn't have any right to be happy. Love had never done him any good in life. He knew better. He tried and tried to stay away from Harry, but everything had pushed them together. It was just another part of his punishment, he supposed.

He threw his wand across the room, not watching where it landed. He didn't care much. He drank the last of his brandy and threw the bottle across the room, watching it shatter as it hit the wall, glass raining down onto the floor. Gripping the firewhiskey, he stormed into his bathroom. He set the bottle into the sink and ripped off his robes and pulled off his shirt. He extended his arm, glaring down at the Dark Mark. It was his curse and a symbol of every sin he had committed. It was his reminder that life would never and could never be good to him. He had no right. He didn't deserve anything.

With his free arm he grabbed the firewhiskey and gulped it down, welcoming the almost painful burn down his throat. When he was done he slammed the bottle down onto the floor and turned, pulling his arm back and punching the mirror as hard as he could. The stinging of the glass as it cut into his skin barely registered over the other pain tormenting him…it was a pain that ran much deeper and hurt much more. It pulled at his heart, like someone pulling at it, trying to rip him apart from the inside out. He felt sick to his stomach, nauseating with self loathing. He grasped the sides of the sink as his head spun, feeling a sharp pain as the glass imbedded in his hands pressed in deeper.

Harry would never forgive him…and Severus wasn't sure he wanted him to.

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Hermione sighed heavily and closed her Ancient Runes book. Harry continued staring into the fire as he had been doing since he got back to Gryffindor Tower. He had never felt such an emotional and mental mess before in his life. He didn't know how to feel or what to think or anything. It was the most frustrating thing he had ever faced.

"Harry…I know it's upsetting, but…Harry, it was a long time ago," Hermione said gently. "He's been on our side for a long time now and he's been doing a lot to protect you and for the Order of the Phoenix. He's changed…He's different now. And he loves you."

"I know," Harry said, sighing and rubbing his temples. "I shouldn't have blown up like that."

"No, you shouldn't have," Hermione agreed.

"I just…I don't know what to do," Harry said. "I know he's different and that he's…He's good. He really is. But…He's still the man who is responsible for my parents…for…for all of this with Voldemort. My parents are dead because of him. Voldemort came after me because of him. That's big, Hermione. How are we…How are we supposed to handle that?"

Hermione frowned. "It is big, but…You love him, Harry."

"I do," Harry agreed.

"Don't let this ruin things then," Hermione said.

"How can I not?" Harry asked, turning to look at her for the first time that night. "I love him and…I don't want things to end, but…How can we be together? How can things work with…with this? When I know…what he did? How can we be together when he played such a big part in all of this?"

Hermione didn't say anything. She seemed just as troubled as he felt.

Everything had been going so perfectly. Christmas together had been amazing and even when it had ended, they had been enjoying their time together in lessons every day up until tonight. Harry had been so happy. He loved Severus and wanted nothing more than to be with him. But it felt so wrong to be with him, knowing what he now knew. Would he be betraying his parents to be with Severus? Would he be betraying himself? Could he ever truly feel comfortable with Severus with this between them? Would it work when Severus had done what he had done? Would it work with everything Harry had said tonight?

"Hermione?" Harry asked pleadingly. Hermione had answers for everything. She was brilliant…Surely she could be able to tell him if this could work or not.

"Harry…" Hermione said, sighing quietly. "I don't know what to tell you. Only you can know what will work for you."

"Bugger," Harry muttered, rubbing his hands over his face. He didn't know what to do…Hermione couldn't tell him.

It was hopeless.

Fingering the chain around his neck, Harry pulled his necklace out of his shirt, holding the lion and snake in his palm. The password had changed…Another Latin word, Eversor, that he didn't know the meaning of. He tightened his fingers over the pendant. What was Severus doing now? Harry could imagine walking down there to find out…Apologizing and forgiving and letting everything go back to the way it was.

Harry swallowed hard, feeling his heart break as he realized that it didn't make sense and that nothing could go back to the way it was. In that realization something inside of him broke and as tears stung his eyes, Harry desperately wished he could turn back time and erase everything…wished he could take away the knowledge. He wanted, needed, to fix this because Harry had no idea how he was going to deal with this.

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Lost and Damned