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Amore et Amicitia	By : Kimmimaru Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male > Sirius/James Views: 6685 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 1
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any characters or settings by JK Rowling. I make no profit from this story.

Chapter List
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AN: A bit of foreshadowing in this chappy...but if you're reading this I honestly doubt I'm spoiling anything for you as you should have already read the books. :p Please enjoy.

Chapter Fifty-Two: Vita et Mors (Life and Death)

When they finally reappeared in the street outside the Order’s Headquarters Sirius collapsed to his knees. He gasped and gripped his broken ribs tightly with a pained grimace, beside him James carefully lay down his burden as Remus, Peter and Lily did the same. The Death Eaters had been thrown unceremoniously into the sea, however they had ensured they return the bodies of their friends and the Auror’s to their rightful places. The street was silent as James stared down at the bloody bag that held a good friend, Lily stood at his side and held his hand in her own as she leaned on him. They had conjured the bags and everything else they needed but had had great difficulty in finding all of Benjy’s body parts, Sirius was certain they had missed some and was saddened by the knowledge they would be eaten by animals and left to rot in the highlands. Once they had recovered from their difficult Apparition they began making their way towards the house that they held meetings in, before they could reach the door however it was thrown open by a distressed looking woman with flyaway blond hair. She saw them and paused, her lips parted until her eyes landed upon the bloody bag they held and realisation dawned upon her face. She screamed. It was a high pitched sound that spoke of a grief so powerful it seemed to pluck at the very soul, Lily watched her fall to her knees with tears of her own on her cheeks. Sirius closed his eyes and lowered his head. “I’m so sorry.” He whispered but the woman didn’t seem to hear him as she clutched desperately at her hair, James gently put the bag down and left Sirius’ side. He went to his knees and pulled the distraught woman to his side.

“Your husband fought bravely Mrs. Fenwick…we…we tried to get a-all of him b-back but…”

The small woman began to sob, desperate noises that shook her whole body as she leaned against James’ chest. James’ eyes met Sirius’ and they gazed at each other silently, they both knew this was why they wished to die together. To live on without the other would surely destroy them. Sirius looked up to see Dumbledore, Moody and several other Order members standing in the door way. Alice Longbottom slipped out the door and extracted Mrs. Fenwick from James’ arms, gently she guided the distraught woman inside the house. “Come inside, we will get you all healed up…” Dumbledore said quietly as the Order made way for the battered teenagers.

“Give them here, I’ll take care of it ‘till the funerals.” Moody said roughly, he took the bodies and the bag that held Benjy’s body parts and flicked his wand so they hovered before him. He disappeared around the side of the house.

Sirius sat in a sofa and downed the potions he had been given, his bloody hands shook violently but he managed not to spill any. James was being tended to by Lily while Remus sat slumped in his seat with his head in his hands, every so often he would be wracked by painful looking shivers. Peter sat on the floor gazing into the fire, he was the only one unharmed. “I can’t believe it…” He whispered.

“Don’t.” Sirius croaked with a wince. “Christ, Peter…don’t make me think about it.”

“Why?” Peter turned to look at his friends, James was gazing blankly at the wall while Lily bandaged his burnt arm tenderly with soft white bandages. She was as white as a sheet beneath the fall of her newly grown hair, her hands shook slightly as she tied a knot.

“I can’t. I can’t th-think…about that…n-not yet…” Sirius shivered violently as he felt the potion work on his ribs.

Dumbledore entered the room with Frank and Alice on his heels. “I will not ask you to recount it just yet, however I will need to know what happened.”

Sirius didn’t look up until he felt something nudge his arm, slowly he lifted his head and blinked. Frank held out a glass of amber whiskey, he smiled grimly. “Here, it helps mate.”

“Thanks…” Sirius croaked and downed the drink in one.

James took his drink in silence and downed it just as Sirius had, Lily sipped hers slowly and cupped both hands around the cool glass. Remus tried to smile but failed as he saw flashes of blood and fire, he lowered his head to his knees and spent a moment collecting himself.

“This is a sad day for us all.” Dumbledore said softly, he gazed into the flames in the hearth. “This death is just one of many which will haunt us but we must never give up, we must continue to fight until the very last man…we cannot give up. We must win this war, or all these deaths will be in vain.”

Lily shuddered but nodded. “I-I…I understand.” She breathed through numb lips, the whiskey was burning a hole in her stomach but it was a good feeling because it reminded her she was alive.

Sirius stifled a choked breath, it came out sounding more like a sob as he pushed fingers into his hair and leaned forward so his elbows were on his knees. “It was…horrible…” He whispered hoarsely.

The funeral was held in a small graveyard somewhere up north, near where Benjy had lived with his wife. Sirius watched in silence as they lowered the abnormally small coffin into the gaping earth, they had tried to reassemble him but had failed and ended up putting his body parts in willy nilly. Sirius stood by the grave side with his hands resting in his lap as Benjy’s wife sobbed into a hanky, the air was cold as it grabbed at his hair and he was so tired he could hardly stand. He had spent the past week or so constantly drunk, he couldn’t sleep and not even James’ warm embrace could soothe his nightmares. He dreamed of blood, screams, smoke and death. His night times were filled with the vile scent of rotting and burning flesh, he woke in cold sweats sometimes screaming as he was torn from sleep by sheer terror. James wasn’t in much better condition, it had been their first real battle and their first real deaths. It had been their first real kills. All of that combined to make life seem vague and grey, Sirius was constantly in state of half-sleep he walked around like an Infiri with no discernible purpose. Only James seemed real to him now, only James and his whispers in the dark; I love you, don’t die, Sirius…oh god…please don’t die…

The constant fear of attack wore on the five Marauders like sand paper, Remus had difficulty every full moon when he was forced to change within the confines of an abandoned warehouse with others. James slept badly and when he did he dreamt of watching his friends fall one by one until he was the only one alive, Sirius’ hands shook almost constantly and his mind was filled with the memories of the explosion. Lily held it together better than any of them but she concentrated all her efforts on helping with the injured to take her mind from her own dark thoughts. After Benjy’s death they were attacked again and again, their missions became harder with death awaiting them around every corner. Not even muggle’s were immune and Sirius found himself digging their mangled corpses from wreckage along with those of his allies. Peter was withdrawn, he was becoming more and more fearful, he was slowly beginning to wonder if they could win this war and a dark part of him began to view his friends in a whole new light. They appeared not to be as strong as they had at school, now, when he watched them fight and kill he had the creeping feeling that if he didn’t do something soon he too would die and his friends would be unable to protect him.

It was late spring when James decided to make the first move to improve his relationship with Lily, he wasn’t entirely sure how Sirius would take it but what choice did he have? He wanted a family and Lily could give him that, he wasn’t sure from one day to the next when he would take his last breath so he steeled his Gryffindor courage and asked her the question that had been burning in him since school. “Lily Evans, will you do me the honour of becoming my wife?”

Sirius watched the scene, James down on one knee in an age old pose as he lifted a perfect silver ring. He felt jealous but he understood that it had to happen. If James was going to have a family and if they were going to continue with the pretence of being straight then it was needed. Remus stood at his side and his hands clenched into fists at his sides, his face was impassive until Sirius slipped his hand into his own. They turned and looked at each other, weak smiles curved their lips as they saw each other’s pain.

“Of course I will, James.” Lily replied softly and let him place the engagement ring upon her finger. The applause was loud as people celebrated this news, the house was full of happiness as the engaged couple embraced and kissed.

Cries of ‘Potter and Evans!’ and ‘So good to see young love.’ Filled the air. Sirius sighed and squeezed Remus’ hand, they broke apart and moved forward to congratulate their friends.

In the midst of battle and bloodshed Lily and James were married beneath a great Oak tree, the summer was warm and they were surrounded by smiles and joy. It was a beautiful change from the despair that haunted the outside world, Sirius allowed himself some rare smiles as he watched the happy couple bind their lives together forever. He stood at James’ side as people took photographs, he watched James speak his vows and place the ring upon her finger and he smiled because he knew deep in heart that this was what James was meant for. He was a father, he was a husband and Sirius couldn’t take that away from him.

That night Remus lay in bed, he had trouble sleeping with his head full of Lily’s happy face and James’ lips against hers. He felt his heart breaking in his chest as he hugged his pillow and wished it had been him at her side, he wished he was the one she would wrap her arms around and kiss with such passion. He sighed to himself and tried to fight away these silly thoughts. His door opened and he looked up to see Sirius standing in his doorway, his chest was bare and his hair brushing his shoulders. “Remus? You awake?” He whispered into the dark.

“Yes.” Remus shuffled over and let Sirius climb into bed with him, they lay at each other’s side in silence a moment. “Does…does it hurt?” Remus whispered softly, he felt Sirius shift in the blankets but couldn’t bring himself to look.

“Like a dagger in the heart.” Sirius breathed.

Remus closed his eyes and sighed shakily. “But you’ve got James…you’ll always have him…”

Sirius rolled onto his side and put his hand on Remus’ face, they looked into each other’s eyes. “I will…but now I will never have his whole heart. One day he’s going to have a baby…one day he’s going be raising a child and he won’t have room for me anymore.”

Remus found he couldn’t argue, he didn’t have the energy but he was certain James would love Sirius until the day he died. He reached up and touched Sirius’ face, taking comfort in knowing that he was not the only one grieving. “We’ll get through this, Siri.” He said but his words sounded empty even to his own ears.

“Maybe.” Sirius replied and closed his eyes. “And if we do…we’ll never be the same again…”

XXX

Remus slowly opened his eyes, he blinked a few times before realising it was still dark. It took a second to realise what had woken him, when he did he felt a thrill of mixed emotions run up his spine. He could feel Sirius moving slowly, his breathing ragged and a soft moan escaped his lips. Slowly Remus rolled over to see Sirius lying fast asleep on his front, he sighed as he realised he was humping the mattress. “Good god…you’re like a horny Teenager…Sirius…” He reached out and shook his friend. “Sirius, come on…”

“Mmm…fuck Jamie…tha’ssss good…”

“Sirius!” Remus felt a little bit disgusted but continued to try and wake his friend. “Wake up, Sirius.”

“…yes…yes…oh fuck…” Sirius’ body tensed and he let slip a long drawn out moan, his fingers tangled in the pillow case beneath his head as his hips slowed their frantic thrusting.

Remus frowned in irritation. “You came in my bed didn’t you?” He muttered. With an irritable huff he shifted to his knees and put both hands on friend’s side, without a trace of remorse he pushed him off the bed and onto the floor. He listened with satisfaction as he landed with a crash and a yelp of shock. “You deserve it.” He said loudly and gazed at the wet patch of semen on his mattress.

“…Moony?” Sirius’ eyes appeared over the edge of the bed, they were wide and doleful the expression making Remus think of beaten puppies. “Why’d you kick me out of bed?”

“Because you came all over my sheets.” He waved his wand over the mess and it disappeared. “No bloody respect.”

“Oh…” Sirius gazed down at his damp pyjama bottoms and grinned guiltily. “Sorry…” Slowly he stood up and stretched, the wet patch on his pyjama bottoms rather obvious. Remus averted his eyes.

“You might want to clean yourself up before coming back to bed.”

Sirius took Remus’ wand and waved it at his crotch, the patch dried and returned to it’s previously unspoilt state. “There…can I get back in now? I’m freezing.”

Remus smiled and nodded. “Just try and keep your mind out of the gutter.”

“Well, that would be a nearly impossible feat, Moonkins. I need regular sex or my balls will explode…”

“Yes, all over my bed…” Remus muttered darkly as he rolled onto his side and yawned. “Good night Sirius.”

“Night Moony.” Sirius closed his eyes and let himself fall back to sleep. He dreamed of darkness…

The stars glittered like so many fireflies trapped in a great midnight blue tarpaulin, Sirius gazed up at them and saw his breath steaming before his lips. The street was quiet, the muggle pub having closed and the streets cleared of children and adult alike. Pumpkins stood outside doors, their leering grins creepy as they glowed in the darkness. Sirius gazed at the cottage before him, it had been a nice one with a little thatched roof and white walls. But now it was little more than a collapsed ruin, the left wall had collapsed on the upper floor and a pile of debris lay in the garden. The gate swung upon it’s hinges creaking gently in the wind and Sirius felt a terror he had never felt before well up within his chest. This was a nightmare…he didn’t want to see what was in the house. He didn’t want to know. He wanted to wake up…but his feet propelled him forward. His boots crunched over the gravel lining the little path that led to the front door. The door had been neatly painted but now it had a black scorch mark marring the paint, it swung precariously off of a single hinge as if it had been opened forcefully. Sirius tried to stop. He tried to wake himself up but he couldn’t, his body had taken on a life of its own and he couldn’t stop himself from crossing the threshold. He gazed down at the patterned carpet, it used to be clean and neat but now the autumn leaves had blown in. A photograph lay upon the floor, it depicted three smiling boys…the last thought Sirius had before his eyes moved to the lumpy figure at the bottom of the stairs was; Where the hell is Peter?

Sirius woke with a scream that would wake the dead. Remus fell out of bed, a yelp of shock escaping him as he scrambled for his wand and jumped back to his feet. He saw Sirius struggling desperately with the blankets, his face as white as fresh snow and his whole body shaking violently. “Sirius?”

“…No…no…dead…all d-dead…no…oh Merlin…p-please no!”

“Sirius…” Remus reached and grabbed his friend by the shoulder, Sirius struggled weakly before going limp. “Sirius, calm down. It was a dream…only a dream…”

Sirius took a shuddery breath before releasing it and letting slip a broken sob. “He’s dead…he’s dead a-and it’s all my fault! All my fault…I-I’m sorry…I’m so sorry…”

“Shhh…Siri…it was a dream. No one’s dead, I promise.” Remus held Sirius close and felt his hands gripping him with such force he would have been hurt if he wasn’t more concerned about his friend.

Sirius continued to shake and sob into Remus’ pyjama’s, his body felt freezing to the touch as he ran gentle fingers through his long tangled hair. Slowly, as the dawn sun crossed the carpet, Sirius’ shudders slowed and his tears stopped. “…Only a dream…” He breathed and closed his eyes tightly, his fingers gripped Remus’ top so his knuckles turned white. “Fuck…” He breathed, his breath hitching as he bared his teeth. “It was…so real…”

“Sometimes they are, Sirius.” Remus replied, softly stroking his friends hair. “But we’re all still alive and well. James married Lily yesterday. The sun’s up and we’re all alive.”

“…All…alive…?” Slowly Sirius raised his head and finally met Remus’ eyes. “I saw him there, Remus…he was…lying at the foot of the stairs and he looked…h-his glasses were…lopsided a-and his face…” He groaned and closed his eyes. “His face was full of surprise and fear…”

Remus gazed at the opposite wall and sighed gently. “If your worried we can go see James today…would you like that?”

Sirius smiled and chuckled. “Yeah…It was just a dream. A stupid, meaningless dream is all…I’m acting like a child.” Slowly, reluctantly he released Remus and sat up, he cleared his throat. “Right then…how about breakfast?” Already the dream was fading, he could feel it slipping through his fingers until he only had a vague sense of foreboding.
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Amore et Amicitia