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Learning Life Over	By : Meander Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male > Harry/Draco Views: 69712 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 1
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, nor any of the characters from the books or movies. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 52
- 53
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Chapter 53- Nothing So Simple

�� Harry
Apparated onto the grounds of Malfoy Manor, and waited a moment. He didn�t know
what to expect. Perhaps Draco would fling open the doors when he saw Harry
waiting there, or perhaps Trippy would come to fetch him, or-

�� What
happened, in fact, was the wards parting in front of him with absolute silence.

�� Harry gave
himself a shake. So he wants to do this the subtle way. Or maybe he thinks
that this way there won�t be noise.

�� Too bad for
Draco. Harry was, in fact, in the mood to make a great deal of noise.

�� He paused a
moment to cast a few specific spells on himself, both as precautions, and then
stepped through the wards. They shut again behind him with a little sighing
sound, and he walked up the curving gravel path to the front doors and opened
them himself. No house-elves appeared.

�� In fact,
Harry thought as he made his way through the Manor, carefully looking into each
room he passed, he�d never seen the house this deserted. The chatter of elves
might not be audible, most of the time, but their magic was almost always in
the background as a humming presence. Harry would have expected them to be
preparing dinner or cleaning even if they had received orders to stay strictly
out of his way.

�� But no,
there was no sign of them. Perhaps Draco had sent them out of the Manor
specifically to have time alone with Harry.

�� That was an
odd feeling.

�� Harry
finally found Draco in the library. He sat in one chair in front of the
fireplace, and the other was drawn up in front of him invitingly. He was
reading, but looked up the moment he heard Harry�s footsteps. Harry found
himself pinned by the same intense look he�d received at his front door.

�� Harry,�
Draco murmured. �Thank you for coming.�

�� After a
moment�s consideration about whether he wanted to shout at Draco from the
library entrance or closer, Harry decided that closer was better. He made his
way carefully across the carpet, and made a point of casting several detection
charms on the chair before he sat down, checking for spells that would make him
feel unwonted desire, or control him, or throw him unexpectedly into Draco�s
lap.

�� You think
I�d do that?� Draco asked his back.

�� You�re
Slytherin, and you want me, and regardless of what you think, I�m not here to
make up with you yet,� Harry said flatly, sitting down. �Of course you would.�

�� Draco gave
him a warm smile. �You�re learning, Harry. Good.� He carefully marked his place
in the large book with a scrap of silk, and then leaned back in his chair with
his hands behind his head. His intense gaze remained the same. Harry scowled at
him, and waited for him to get on with it.

�� You read
my letter,� Draco said. �You know I�m sorry.�

�� That
apology was more graceful than I expected, yes.� Harry enjoyed the coolness of
his own voice. He certainly couldn�t have kept his temper like this around
Draco a few days ago. �But an apology isn�t enough, Draco. I�m not about to
move back into the Manor. I still think you might go and torture the Dursleys
tomorrow.�

�� Draco
blinked. �Why?�

�� Harry gave
him a withering look. �Are you blind, you dolt?� Childish as the insult
was, it felt good to get that weight off his chest- or perhaps just good to
watch Draco�s cheeks darkening with a flush. �I don�t trust you. You lied to me
about the Dursleys. The apology could be a lie, too.�

�� Then why
come here?�

�� Because I
was curious to watch you squirm on the hook.� Harry leaned back in his own
chair. �And because I wanted to yell at you about what an utter idiot
you were.� His voice was rising now, but he didn�t mind. He had the spells he�d
cast before he ventured into the house, and he knew he was both magically
stronger and better at defensive charms than Draco was. �How in the world
did you think torturing them was the way to get me to like you?�

�� Draco�s
eyebrows came together in the middle of his forehead. �I�m beginning to think
that you didn�t read my apology very carefully, Harry,� he said. �I
didn�t torture them because I thought you would fall all over me with
gratitude. I tortured them because they hurt someone I love.�

�� But you
thought I would approve,� Harry snarled at him. �Or, at least, not mind.�

�� I didn�t
intend you to find out that way.�

�� So you
were going to ply me with pretty words first?�

�� Of
course!� Draco sat up in his chair. �As you said, I�m a Slytherin. I
don�t play around when there�s something I want. I would have told you the
truth in the end, but I would have done it at a time and place, and with words,
of my choosing.� He leaned forward. �I�m sorry now. I wasn�t then. And I can�t
be sorry about protecting someone I love; I�m just sorry that I didn�t do it in
the right way, and that you reacted so badly.�

�� Harry
hissed at him. �The basic fact of the torture, Draco.� He threw the word
as hard as he could, but still Draco didn�t pale and drop his eyes the way
Harry thought he should have if the word meant anything to him. �That doesn�t
bother you.�

�� That I
used those spells?�

�� Yes.�

�� No.�

�� Harry sat
back and tried to calm down, but his temper and his heart were both racing, and
the words Draco spoke next didn�t help matters.

�� The
Muggles are nothing to me in and of themselves, Harry. I mean that. When I
found out what they were, then yes, I did the wrong thing. But I can�t
see them as victims, or whatever it is that you want me to see them as. I don�t
care about them. I care about you.�

�� They�re
still human beings,� said Harry, and the hope he�d come to the Manor with was
gone, destroyed by red rage. How could he be with someone who didn�t
acknowledge this basic, fundamental truth? �Like the victims of the Death
Eaters in the war. Like the Weasleys. Like the victims I help, like the
criminals I bring in- �

�� I thought
you wouldn�t try to be an Auror anymore.� Draco leaned forward, his eyes
snake-bright.

�� I did give
up on that, yes- �

��

�� Permanently?
When?�

�� Harry
cursed under his breath. He hadn�t, as a matter of fact, told Draco about the
decision he�d made in his session with Theresa, that he had to figure out
something else he wanted out of his life, because he wanted to do it without
depending on Draco. On the other hand, he wasn�t about to let Draco knock the
argument away from the greater moral issue towards a white lie of his own.

�� That�s not
the point. The point is that you don�t seem to think that the Dursleys deserved
better than what you gave them.�

�� Draco�s
mouth parted slightly, his lip curled, and his eyes shone like diamonds on the
point of a drill. �Come, Harry,� he breathed. �Did you expect me to start
caring about Muggles now? At my time of life?�

�� You�ve
changed since the days you were a Death Eater- �

�� Towards
wizards. Not Muggles.� Draco folded his arms. �I can have a Muggleborn like
Dean Thomas in my house. I�m not about to invite the Dursleys to dinner with a
smile and a wave. As I told you, and have tried to tell you again, they�re
nothing to me without their involvement with you, and since their involvement
with you was uniformly negative, of course I�m going to hate them. If
you want me to stop hating them, then you seem intent on changing me from the
person I was.�

�� Harry
hissed again. �You�re not your father, Draco,� he said. He had never dared
invoke the ghost of Lucius, but if it made Draco listen to reason, then he
wouldn�t hesitate. �You don�t torture people for no reason, or just because
they�re Muggles.�

�� Of course
I�m not,� Draco said, in the �ah, now you comprehend,� voice. �I torture
people because they hurt someone I loved.�

��

Harry dug his nails into his palms.

�� I don�t
know how much more clearly I can say it, Harry,� Draco said. �I�m sorry for how
I hurt you- and that includes being sorry I tortured them because it hurt
you. I�m not sorry for it just for their sake, because they don�t exist to
me for their sake. Only for yours.� And his eyes remained calm and cold and
clear, as if he really were saying the best of good sense.

�� It was a
mistake for me to come here,� Harry said hollowly, standing. �I wanted to find
out what you meant by that apology, and it�s worse than I ever imagined.�

�� He got
three feet across the library before he heard the noise of Draco coming after
him. A moment later, Draco moaned in pain. Harry glanced back with narrowed
eyes to see him shaking his hand, eyes wide.

�� I�m not
about to let you touch me,� Harry said. �We both know how I react to
that. I�m not going to make a decision to stay with you because my ears happen
to be sensitive, or because I miss your touch.� And damn it, he hadn�t
meant to say that. Draco managed to look smug even in the middle of his shock.
�So I cast a ward to keep you from touching me. It wouldn�t do you good even if
you did get through, since there�s a nerve-deadening charm under that.�

�� What do
you want from me, Harry?� Draco whispered, his voice gone lower than it had
been since Harry entered the library. �I can say sorry. I can�t change
everything about myself for you. I didn�t do that for my parents, and I didn�t
do it for my friends, and I didn�t even do it for you when I kidnapped you at
the height of my obsession. I didn�t let you go when you wanted to leave. I
remained that selfish, sneaky, vindictive Slytherin. What makes you think that
I�ll change now?�

�� Look, the
fault was mine, all right?� Harry snapped. The sense of connection he felt
wasn�t something he�d experienced before- or, at least, not in eleven years.
He�d always been able to walk away from arguments easily, with a clear
conscience, because the other partner in the debate didn�t really matter to
him. Now he felt as if he couldn�t escape, or had no right to escape, or
something in between those two. Even his efforts to extricate himself only
seemed to twine him deeper into the honey, or mud, that connected him and
Draco. �I was the one who made the mistake, thinking you cared about
people for their own sake. Of course you don�t. As you said, you�re yourself,
and you have no need to change to suit my whims. So I�ll leave now, and we
don�t ever need to see each other again.�

�� By the time
he turned back to the library door, a complicated set of wards had sprung up
around it. Harry hissed again. He could break through the wards, but that
wasn�t the point. The point was that Draco had established them at all. That
meant he didn�t want to end their connection.

�� And Harry
didn�t-

�� He didn�t
think he could afford to be drawn back in. How could he? What if he ended up
abandoning his principles for Draco? He couldn�t just change because his
lover wanted him to, either.

�� You�re
taking the coward�s way out, Harry.� Draco�s voice was as soft and as malicious-
and as hateful, Harry thought- as it ever had been back at Hogwarts. �You want
to argue, we�ll do that. You want to act like schoolboys, yes, we�ll do that,
too. You want to apologize and work through our mistake? Oh, yes, I�m more than
willing to do that. But you�re not allowed to just run away. This exists.
You�re in love with me.�

�� And if I
said I don�t want to be?� Maybe the shock of that would be enough to hurt Draco
and make him end this. Harry could feel his heart beating wildly in his chest.
He hated this feeling of being trapped.

�� He hadn�t- he
hadn�t thought Draco was this prepared to fight, after all. Even after the
confession at the door of his flat, even after the letter. He thought he could
reach the point where Draco would just turn away and give up, because
maintaining his connection with Harry was too much trouble.

�� But Harry
couldn�t seem to find the point where it was too much trouble for Draco.

�� I would
say that you�re saying that to manipulate me,� Draco murmured, without missing
a beat. �And because this is the first deep relationship you�ve enjoyed in more
than a decade. Of course you haven�t the slightest clue what to do. Of course
you�d rather I let you move on and grieve yourself over it, because that way
you could reassure yourself it was my fault and you didn�t do anything wrong.�

�� I never
wanted you to change completely,� Harry said, resigning himself to having this
conversation. He turned, expecting Draco to back up. Draco only moved far
enough away not to be hurt by the ward around Harry, though. �I thought- I thought
you would see that torturing the Dursleys is wrong.�

�� Yes, wrong
because it hurt you,� Draco agreed.

�� Harry let
his breath out in a low scream. �Wrong in and of itself.�

�� Why?�
Draco cocked his head to the side. �I think my stance is one that most people
have, Harry. They�re just not honest enough to admit it to themselves. It�s
easy to be against torture when the victims are on the other side of the world.
It�s another not to want people who hurt your friends- and lovers- to suffer.
Did you never want to torture a Death Eater because they were trying to hurt
your friends?�

�� Harry
stiffened. He wanted to protest that at least he hadn�t done it, he
hadn�t taken action, but even that wasn�t true. As clearly as if it had
happened two moments ago, he could hear himself screaming Crucio at
Bellatrix Lestrange when she had sent Sirius through the veil.

�� I just- �
And fear bit him again, because did what Draco was saying make sense, or was
Harry just giving in because he missed him so much? He put a hand over his face
and exhaled shakily. �I don�t know what to do.�

�� Draco
chuckled, apparently hearing the anger as well as the terror in his voice. �I
know,� he said. �But we�ll give it time, Harry. We can have as many
conversations on the philosophy of torture as you like. Just no walking away,
no cutting off contact.� His voice dropped again. �I�d like it if you dropped
the ward so I could touch you, too.�

�� Harry
glared at him around the edge of his palm. �Not a chance.�

�� Draco
raised his hands. �That�s all right. But I miss touching you.�

�� Goddamnit.
Harry now half-wished he didn�t have someone who would fight so hard for
his affection and attention because it was so confusing. He�d come here to get
out of the mire, and only ended up entangling himself more firmly.

�� It seemed
that matters wouldn�t be so easy as walking away, then, because Draco wouldn�t
let them be. He couldn�t settle the matter in a single afternoon. There would
have to be many.

�� Listen,�
he said. �I�ll speak to you about this again. But I�m not staying in the
Manor.�

�� I didn�t
expect you to,� Draco said calmly.

�� Have an
answer for everything, don�t you?� Harry muttered.

�� Not for
what we can do to cure this.� Draco studied him a moment more, then offered,
�If it helps, there probably is one thing that would make me agree that
what I did to them was too much in and of itself.�

�� Harry
leaned forward. �What?�

�� Tell me
they didn�t hurt you.� Draco folded his arms. �Give me details about your
childhood, Harry. Look me in the eye and say it wasn�t that bad.�

�� Relief
broke over Harry like cool water. �Of course it wasn�t that bad,� he said. �You
heard me tell Theresa. So I did chores; plenty of children do. And so I didn�t
enjoy equal treatment with their son; I wasn�t their son.� For some reason,
that statement made Draco�s face tighten with anger, but he remained silent.
�And I didn�t always get the food I wanted, and I slept in a cupboard, but- �
And then he stopped, because Draco�s steady stare had become a bit too much to
look at.

�� And plenty
of children get starved and sleep in cupboards?� Draco asked.

�� Or darker
places.� Harry shook his head. �I�ve seen some of them. The point is, Draco, so
many people suffered worse.�

�� That
doesn�t mean you weren�t hurt,� Draco said. �They did hurt you.�

�� But not
that badly.� Harry ran his hand through his hair, and ignored the regret
that it wasn�t Draco�s hair he was touching. �Besides, you didn�t completely
demand proof that I wasn�t hurt, just that it wasn�t that bad.�

�� I say it
was,� Draco said softly. �Any treatment that can make a child cut himself off
completely from other human beings and assume that of course other people won�t
love him is bad, Harry. That wasn�t a trick you learned after your friends
died. It was one you went back to. They did that to you.�

�� That
doesn�t mean they deserve to be tortured!� Harry exclaimed. �Besides, I didn�t
want you to.�

�� Draco�s
mouth quirked. �I find that a more persuasive argument than the other one,� he
said. �We�ll speak about this, Harry. I might even come to agree with you. But
I want a promise of honesty from you, just as you�ll have it from me. No more
lies of omission, no more trying to make things sound better than they were.�

�� I�m making
them sound just as they were.� Harry glared through his fringe, and
cursed Draco�s overprotectiveness again. He took the silliest things as being
worse than they were.

�� We�ll use
Pensieves if we must,� Draco said. �And you�ll hear about anything you wish
from me, Harry, including my childhood and what I believe about
torture.� He cocked his head. �But no running away allowed.�

�� Harry
weighed the offer carefully. All in all, it was better than he�d expected. He
hadn�t fallen into bed with Draco immediately. He hadn�t agreed with him about
the Dursleys, which was what Draco so obviously wanted.

�� And he
hadn�t forgiven him yet.

�� All
right,� he said slowly.

�� He ignored
the slow creeping feeling of delight in his stomach when Draco smiled at him,
because that was just a childish thing to feel.

*

�� When Harry
had gone, Draco called the house-elves back and let them bring him iced drinks,
cold fruit, and a wet cloth for his brow.

�� That had
been the hardest thing he�d ever done, possibly even counting his sixth year at
Hogwarts.

�� But Harry
had come to him. He hadn�t managed to leave before Draco caught him, or turn
aside every argument with an easy one of his own.

�� There was
still a chance.

�� Leaning his
head back against his chair, Draco smiled.
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Learning Life Over