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Lost and Damned	By : danniperson Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male > Harry/Snape Views: 24087 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, the characters or the world or anything, and I make absolutely no profit from this.

Chapter List
- 52
- 53
- 54
LOST AND DAMNED

Love is the Real Pain

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Come Monday, Harry felt better prepared to attend Defense Against the Dark Arts. His memory of the night with Severus in the hospital wing made him feel a bit more at ease with his lover…ex lover…Whatever Severus was at the moment. He was a bit disappointed to find he had sent Ginny with a note saying they would not have lessons that weekend and instead would resume Monday night, but he found that the time away did him some good and helped clear his head a bit. He still hadn't figured much out, but he had at least gotten his mind off of things and enjoyed himself a bit (especially seeing the results of his team's treatment of Cormac McLaggen). He spent a lot of time walking the grounds with Hermione or practicing Quidditch with the team or even flying around just for fun with Ginny while Hermione watched on. Both Hermione and Harry seemed intent on forgetting their romantic problems and had dedicated the weekend to doing just that.

"You are going to Defense today, aren't you?" Hermione asked quietly at breakfast.

"Erm…Yeah. I think so," Harry said.

"Good," Hermione said with a pleased smile.

After breakfast, Hermione headed off to Ancient Runes and Harry was left to hang around outside with a group of sixth and seventh years including Neville, Seamus, Dean, Lavender, Parvati Cho, Marietta, Susan, Hannah, Terry, and Ernie all laughing and having a good time. The closer it got to being time to head off to Defense, the more nervous Harry felt. He knew he could handle it today, but it was still a bit nerve-wracking to be in the man's class again after being apart for a few days and especially after everything that had transpired between them.

He walked to class with Neville and the others who had the class with him, trying to keep up with the conversation and not focus so much on how anxious he was feeling. When they got to the classroom, Hermione was already waiting there, shooting an encouraging smile his direction. He parted from the group and walked over to her, letting her take his hand, snorting when he noticed the way her eyes darted over to where Draco stood talking to Nott and Zabini.

"This never worked for us before, you know," Harry said, giving her hand a small squeeze.

"I don't know what you mean," Hermione said, giving him a small glare. Harry didn't bother pressing the issue; it didn't matter much as long as she didn't try snogging him or anything.

Only a few minutes later, Severus let them into class. Pulse picking up speed again, Harry swallowed but walked determinedly into the room with Hermione. "Well, well, Potter decides to grace us with his presence once again," Severus sneered as Harry and Hermione passed him. "Finally realizing you're not too good to attend my class?"

A chill rolled down Harry's spine and he turned to glare at Severus, but Hermione pulled him to a seat and tugged him down. He reluctantly sat, a bit confused and irritated by Severus's attitude. This was the sort of thing he had worried about last week. Severus hadn't seemed that upset with him when he was watching him and touching him in the infirmary only a couple of days ago. Harry glanced around the class as everyone settled in…He got a few sympathetic looks from most people and snickers from the Slytherins, but it didn't seem to be anything to new to anyone else. Only Draco shot Severus a confused look and Hermione was frowning and watching the professor uncertainly, glancing at Harry every few seconds, as though making sure he was okay and not prepared to bolt.

"Tell me, Potter. Did you even read your book or take notes on the lesson you missed?" Severus asked as he walked to the front of class.

"Erm…"

"I thought not. Do you have any clue just what it was you missed?"

Harry scowled at him. They were back to this, were they? "I didn't think it would matter, sir. You're usually too busy yelling at people instead of actually teaching, so I thought it wouldn't hurt."

If Severus wanted to be an asshole, Harry was not going to back down from it. Was this yet another effort to push Harry away? Harry supposed he had every right to. His stomach sank at the thought. Somehow Severus thought it was easier to be a prick about things…To save himself from the pain. A little late for that, Harry figured. He honestly didn't see the point in any of this. He knew he had hurt Severus, but it wasn't Harry's fault Severus had wasted his time and talents helping Voldemort.

Black eyes flashed angrily and Harry felt a rush of wrathful excitement surge through him. The gasps of his classmates, the stares, the snickering…Nothing really mattered, noting got through to Harry. It was only him and Severus.

"Detention, I think, Mr. Potter. With Mr. Filch…I'll let him decide when," Severus said smoothly.

"What? Too scared to do it yourself?"

Severus raised his eyebrow and smirked coldly. "And what would scare me about a sixteen year old boy?"

"Plenty, I imagine," Harry replied, biting his tongue to keep from saying anything that would get either one of them in serious trouble. Oh, I don't know. Scared that I'll hurt you. Scared of the truth. Scared of facing the fact that you have to pay for what you did. Scared of the fact that you love me. Scared that you ruined everything. Scared that you'll lose control.

"That just goes to show how…foolish you really are, Potter," Severus snarled.

"Harry, stop!" Hermione pleaded in a whisper.

"Well, I don't know why else you'd give me detention with Filch. I'm sure you could do a lot more damage than he could. You always enjoy cruel, unfair punishments just like any other evil prick would," Harry snapped.

"Harry!" This time it was Draco.

"Fifty points from Gryffindor. And why don't we make it a month's worth of detentions?" Severus said through clenched teeth.

"Let's," Harry said boldly. His whole body felt hot, arms trembling in his anger. Maybe he was going too far, but it didn't matter much right now. "I'm not that worried about Filch."

"Oh no. You wanted detention with me, then you'll have it," Severus snarled, walking closer, a dangerous look on his face. "Though I assure you, it will be far from pleasant."

"I wouldn't expect anything else from you," Harry assured him.

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He could put up with Harry for a month…A month of real detentions, he assured himself. He would have to put up with him daily anyway because of lessons, why not make him suffer a bit along with it?

That was what he wanted…To make Harry suffer.

No. He would never want Harry to suffer.

Severus turned and swept back to the front of the room before he could do any more damage. He was already breaking a very important promise he had made himself…That he wouldn't hurt Harry. That he would make him happy. But Harry was already hurt and nothing Severus could do would make it better. Why not do this? Why not make it easier on himself?

But it wasn't. It wasn't making it easier on him. Sadly, it was his natural reaction when it came to pain. Hurt them before they could hurt you…or in this case, hurt him more. That night visiting Harry in the hospital wing had broken him. He couldn't do it…Being nice to the brat. Just being near him and enjoying him. The resulting pain was too much to bear. He couldn't do it. He couldn't go through with it. Screw all of the promises he had ever made. What did they even matter? He had sworn to protect Harry when Lily died, but look where that had gotten him. Lily's sacrifice meant nothing because Harry was going to die anyway. He had sworn to make Harry happy, but because of actions that had taken place before he was even born, he could never make Harry happy again.

This was why he didn't let people get close. This was the bad thing about love. Love consumed you. It possessed you. It drove you mad. And it led you down a path of self destruction.

He had been unhappy before, but he had never known misery the way he knew it when Lily gave up on him, when Lily died, and when Harry realized the truth. Only love could do this to a person. Albus Dumbledore was a fool, thinking that something like love could do anyone any good. It would only ever destroy. It made you weak. It could even kill you. It could make even the strongest of men do things they never dreamed of…things they would have never done before. It turned even the greatest witches and wizards into fools.

Just having the boy sitting in his class was pure agony. How desperately he needed him. The urges were more powerful than anything he had ever known. To hold him and kiss him and love him…Apologize over and over for his mistakes and swear on everything that he would do anything to make it up to him. He would do anything to make him smile. To see those emerald eyes light up.

How pathetic was he?

How could a man as strong as he…as skilled as he…as feared as he fall victim to…this? How could he have been driven to such a pathetic and defenseless state?

All of this pain and weakness…It infuriated him.

Maybe he was being irrational. Maybe he was being horrible. But he could do nothing else. It took every restrain the had to pull away from his argument with Harry. With Potter. "Turn to page 459," he growled, unable to keep the vehemence from his voice.

He watched as his students pulled out their books and turned the pages. Potter sat there with his arms crossed, just glaring at him. Granger leaned over to begin whispering earnestly to him.

"Granger! Ten points for talking in my class and a detention you can serve with Potter for not following instructions," he growled.

There. It might be easier to have someone else there.

Granger's eyes grew wide. She had never had detention before had she? With friends like Potter and Weasley (what used to be Weasley, anyway), it was shocking she didn't end up in more trouble than she had in her school career.

"Yes, sir," Granger said, shock clear in her voice and she began hastily pulling out her own text.

"Potter. Too good to follow instructions?" Severus demanded.

Harry said nothing, but Granger immediately leaned in to begin whispering to him again. "Another detention, Granger," Severus said. Granger sighed heavily and turned to face the class, looking incredibly upset. Harry reluctantly leaned down to grab his book and practically threw it onto his desk and began flipping the pages.

"Another twenty points from Gryffindor, for astonishing disrespect," Severus added, feeling a bit pleased with himself with that. His Slytherins were laughing by this point and Severus just offered them a grin, ignoring the stunned look Draco was shooting in his direction.

He didn't understand…couldn't and wouldn't understand. And he didn't have to.

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The class went by at a torturously slow pace, but finally he was able to let the brats go. Severus sat behind his desk and watched them pack up, somehow unsurprised that Potter and Granger lingered behind. Severus refused to look at them, instead glowering at Longbottom and Finnigan as they left the room behind everyone (or rather almost everyone, considering Potter and Granger decided to stay behind) else.

"I am aware of your lesson with the headmaster tonight, Potter. You and Granger may report for detention tomorrow night at seven," Severus said stiffly.

"Why are you being such an arse?" Harry demanded boldly.

Severus raised his eyebrow. "Ten points."

"Harry, please don't-" Granger said.

"Another detention, Granger," Severus snapped.

Granger's eyes narrowed at him. "I didn't even-"

"And another," he said, smirking as she pressed her lips together tightly.

"Leave her out of this," Potter snapped. "What is wrong with you?"

"Nothing. I'm always like this," Severus reminded him coolly.

"You weren't a prick when you are at my bedside a few days ago," Potter snapped.

"A couple of days ago," Severus corrected. "And I knew you were awake, Potter. You'll have to work on that bit some more if you intend to actually convince someone…anyone."

"You're trying to push me away again, is that it?" Harry demanded.

"I wasn't aware I needed to try anymore…I thought I had already succeeded there," Severus snarled. His dark eyes glittered dangerously as he leaned forward to hiss, "I got your parents killed and then I used you as a delectable little fuck-toy before I hand you over to the Dark Lord as I did them."

There was shocked silence. Potter and Granger just gaped at him and Severus rolled his eyes. "Get out. Now."

Granger had the decency to grab Potter and drag him out of the room. Severus watched them go and grabbed a book from his desk, hurling it at the door as it closed. He watched it fall to the floor and struggled to keep himself in check as he grasped the arms of his chair tightly. This was only his second class of the day…He still had a long ways to go before he could rest easy.

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"Harry…What on earth was that?" Hermione demanded as they walked down the corridor.

"I'm not going to let him treat me like shite just because he's upset with me," Harry grumbled. Now that it was all over with, he did feel a bit dumb for having snapped the way he did. He was upset, sure, and he really should have expected Severus's behavior.

Things weren't really easy for either of them since this all started.

"He's a teacher!" Hermione scolded. "And he's Snape, at that!"

"He's my lover," Harry corrected her. Even though lover sounded so weird to say. Better than boyfriend, but not by much.

"Is he?" Hermione asked, raising her eyebrow.

"I dunno," Harry confessed with a frown. He and Severus hadn't officially ended things, had they? It certainly seemed like it, though.

Hermione sighed. "Look, I know it's hard, but you can't let him get to you like that."

"I don't see how it's much different from you grabbing my hand or kissing me every time Draco sees you."

Harry hardly even realized what he said until he saw Hermione storming off away from him.

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Harry and Hermione didn't talk for the rest of the day. Her irritation with him only grew in Potions when he, again, bested her. He did attempt to apologize, but Hermione stayed as far from him as possible throughout the day. Ginny stayed with her and shot him dirty looks, so Harry figured Hermione had told her, or at least told her that Harry had done something. It didn't help that the entire house was mad at him and Hermione for losing so many points and the whole school was talking about the scene in the Defense Against the Dark Arts class. Even Professor McGonagall had to stop him and say something.

"Potter, I am shocked that you would be so disrespectful to a professor," she had said.

"It's not like he didn't deserve it," Harry had muttered.

"What has gotten into you, Potter?" McGonagall demanded, stunned. "I certainly hope your attitude is cleaned up soon."

By the end of the day his bad mood had worsened and the last thing he wanted to do was go to Professor Dumbledore's office. He trudged to the headmaster's office grumpily that night, glaring nastily as he passed Mr. Filch and Mrs. Norris on the way.

"Pumpkin pasties," he muttered to the gargoyle before letting himself upstairs to Dumbledore's office.

"Ah, sit down, Harry," Dumbledore said kindly.

Harry nodded stiffly and sat down.

"I hear you've been having a rough day," Dumbledore said.

"Mhm," Harry said, rubbing his temples. Keeping control of his temper was increasingly difficult.

"I suppose I should tell you that you need to keep a better hold of your temper and to be respectful to your teachers," Dumbledore said. "You and Severus both have your issues…I'm amazed it took you both so long to hit this sort of snag," he said with a smile. "Though we do have other things to discuss, Harry. Firstly, have you managed the task I set you at the end of our previous lesson?"

"Ah," Harry said, a sinking feeling coming to him. He had completely forgotten about getting Slughorn's memory. "Well, I asked Professor Slughorn about it at the end of Potions, sir, but, er, he wouldn't give it to me."

"I see," Dumbledore said. "And you feel that you have exerted your very best efforts in this matter, do you? Th-"

"Er…Probably not," Harry confessed.

"Hmm," Dumbledore said. "I had hoped that I had made it clear that this was an important memory to retrieve. Absolutely necessary to these lessons."

Hot, prickly shame filled him from his head downwards, mingling awfully with his irritation that had settled most of the day. "Sorry," he said stiffly, unsure if he should feel more guilty or more angry. The latter seemed to be taking over, though, as it had been doing most of today. This horrible, terrible day. It spread a path of blinding fire through him. "I'm really bloody sorry I've had too much stuff on my mind."

"Of course," Dumbledore said quietly. "Other things on your mind."

"Yes, other things!" Harry snapped. "I'm only taking NEWT classes like every other sixth year. Not only that, but I apparently have some prophecy to fulfill and extra classes with you and with Severus…Yes, classes with the man I love who hates me right about now. The man I love killed my parents and I hardly know what to do with that so I made him hate me. And I made my best friend hate me. And now HERMIONE probably hates me, too. S'not like I didn't bother trying at all, but he won't bloody listen to me! Denies the whole thing! Maybe if you could give me a little hint as to what MIGHT work then MAYBE I could do something right for once! The great Albus Dumbledore can't do it, so obviously Harry Potter will be able to! A si-"

"Enough," Dumbledore said, tone quiet but stern and Harry found himself closing his mouth and swallowing angrily. "You must understand that this is a very important memory, Harry. More important than you might understand. I realize you have other things going on in life…You are young…Certainly too young to be in the middle of all of this. But we all must make sacrifices. This is war, Harry. This is the future of our world. Even if you don't realize it yet, these memories I am showing you mean a great deal. Now, I would appreciate it if you would place this task into your top priorities…I shouldn't be too hard for you to manage, Harry. Professor Slughorn favors you a great deal. It's all a matter of finding the right manner of going about things."

"Right," Harry said stiffly.

Dumbledore sighed and was silent a moment. "I know you have had a very difficult day, Harry. If you would prefer to do this another time, I will allow you to leave."

"Thanks," Harry said, not daring to look at Dumbledore as he stood. "I'll get you that memory." If only to keep from having another meeting like this. As he walked out of the room he clenched his fists in response to hearing one of the portraits (probably Phineas Nigellus) mutter something about disrespectful teenagers.

He wanted to punch the wall all the way down the corridor. Halfway upstairs he turned and looked back at where he had come from and swallowed hard, the realization of what he had done coming in with a sudden chill. He shivered and just stood there for a moment.

He was really losing it, wasn't he?

He was just so mad. Mad at himself. Mad at everyone else. He had a lot going on and he slipped up once and Dumbledore was making him feel horrible! Be it the man's intention or not, Harry had felt awful about the whole thing and it just made him all the more angry. Hadn't he felt enough bad things for one day? Hadn't he gone through enough? Now everyone was upset with him. Severus, Draco, Hermione, Ginny, McGonagall, Dumbledore…

He was a fuck up, that was why.

Harry sighed heavily and rubbed his temples. He took a step back down the stairs, tempted to go apologize to Dumbledore, but thought better of it. He wouldn't blame Dumbledore if he didn't want to see him right now, and Harry supposed he had to start thinking of a way for Slughorn to give him his memory. Reluctantly he trudged back upstairs and headed towards Gryffindor Tower. He needed to fix things…at least with one person. Because right now, he felt very much alone and he knew he had earned it.

Harry cringed as he thought about today…about everything he had said and done. He remembered everything he had fucked up on lately. He couldn't remember a more awful feeling than right now, headed towards the common room with all of this in mind. McGonagall was right, he really did need to clean up his act. Letting his feelings spiral out of control wasn't doing anyone any good, especially not himself.

Hermione wasn't there when he got in and he couldn't help feeling a bit disappointed. He could apologize tomorrow then, he thought. He didn't bother sticking around and instead headed to the boy's dormitory. He walked right to his bed and flopped down on it, rubbing his hands over his face and letting his glasses be pushed right off. He didn't care much about them right now. All he needed was to lay here and go to sleep and wake up to a hopefully better day with a better mood and better luck.

Harry sat up.

Luck.

That was exactly what he needed. Scrambling up, he fixed his glasses and walked around to his trunk, eagerly digging through it until he came up with the small phial of Felix Felicis, This was exactly what he needed.

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Lost and Damned