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Lost and Damned	By : danniperson Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male > Harry/Snape Views: 24087 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, the characters or the world or anything, and I make absolutely no profit from this.

Chapter List
- 54
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- 56
LOST AND DAMNED

In Defense of Our Dreams

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Hermione was alive, well, and recovering and Harry had finally gotten the memory Dumbledore so wanted. Harry was a bit anxious to check up on his best friend, but he remembered he had to meet Dumbledore that morning. First Dumbledore showed Harry the memory he had meant to show him yesterday, of Tom Riddle's meeting with Hepzibah Smith and his meeting with Dumbledore requesting the Defense Against the Dark Arts position, revealing that it was because of that rejection that Voldemort placed a curse on the position. It was all very interesting to Harry, but he felt it a bit dramatic to start there when Dumbledore was so obviously anxious to see Slughorn's memory. They finally got to it…Tom Riddle asking Professor Slughorn about Horcruxes and it all resulted in a long conversation about the matter. Voldemort was using Horcruxes to stay alive and they were going to have to find and destroy them all before they could kill Voldemort.

Well bugger. As if he didn't think it was going to be hard enough killing Voldemort without having to find and destroy several objects before he could do so.

His mind was still full of Voldemort and Horcruxes when he left Dumbledore's office and he almost forgot he was going to go see Hermione until Neville stopped him on the way to breakfast asking if it was true that Hermione had been poisoned. After quickly answering yes, he spun around and darted towards the infirmary. Hermione was alive and well, from what Madam Pomfrey assured them last night, but she hadn't woken up and she still had a few days worth of recovery. He felt he owed her an explanation and an apology or two. Why his potion deemed it lucky for Hermione to get hurt, Harry wasn't sure…Unless all of the luck was strictly for his benefit and somehow Hermione being poisoned would help matters…That thought made him feel sick.

"…I'm so, so, so sorry, Hermione…Please, please, please…I'm so sorry," whimpered a voice from within. Harry burrowed his eyebrows and quietly walked in, finding Draco sitting by Hermione's side, her hand clutched in his. He was hunched over, his body shaking a bit and his voice was thick and hoarse. He sounded as though he had been crying. "I didn't mean for this to happen to you…I would never do anything to hurt you…Fuck, I'm so bloody stupid," he said, pressing his lips against her hand.

"Mmm…yes…you are," came Hermione's small, tired voice. Draco and Harry both jumped at the sound of it and turned to look over her anxiously. Her eyes were barely opened and she looked exhausted, but the fact that she was awake was relieving to them both.

"I'm so sorry, Mione," Draco whispered.

"I know, I heard you," Hermione said with a strained smile. "What d'you do?"

Draco tensed up a bit and looked around the infirmary, eyes widening when he saw Harry. Harry shifted uncomfortably and offered a nervous wave. Draco rolled his eyes and beckoned him over. Feeling a bit relieved, Harry walked over and grabbed a chair, sitting on Hermione's other side.

"Obviously Pot-head told you what he heard," Draco said quietly, scooting closer to her bed. He didn't want to take any chances being overheard again. "I had to do what I could to try to 'kill' the headmaster. So I poisoned some mead and gave it to Slughorn who was supposed to give it to Dumbledore for Christmas, but I guess he didn't, did he? I had no idea you would get hurt…I would have never done anything to hurt either of you."

"We know," Harry said quietly.

"Mhm," Hermione agreed. "But…Draco…You can't just…be willing to risk everyone else's lives…just for this," she said. "It's good to care about your friends, but you have to care about everyone. Katie got hurt, I got hurt…It's not Dumbledore and it's just…That you were so willing to let others get hurt…"

Draco bowed his head in shame and played with Hermione's hand. Harry frowned and glanced at Hermione who was watching him sadly. After a few quiet minutes, Draco took a deep breath and seemed ready to say something, but he didn't and they fell silent again for another few minutes. He took another deep breath and finally started to talk. "I have to…to do something. He'll hurt my family…and everyone I care about…if I don't. I would do anything…absolutely anything…to keep my family safe."

Hermione and Harry glanced at each other before glancing back to Draco. He still wasn't looking at either of them, only playing with Hermione's hand. "If I fail, he'll kill us all…But if I succeed…We could be great again. He's so mad that I've been failing so much, but I…I keep thinking of new things that might work. And not Nott's all intent on helping and I don't think I could stop even if I wanted to. But…Severus thinks that…that he wants him to do it, in the end. He doesn't think I can. And…I'm sorry, but…I don't…I don't know what to do. I never wanted to become entangled in all of this to begin with, but I had to protect my family. Please understand that. I thought I could handle this, that I could do something…But…I…I can't I just…I don't know what to do."

"Oh, Draco," Hermione sighed, grunting a bit as she struggled to sit up straight. She gave him a hard look, though it didn't come off nearly as intimidating as it might have if she was healthier. "You should have told us…You just…You can come to us, you know. Harry and I care about you and we'll do whatever we can to help you and make things better."

"She's right, mate," Harry told him. "That's what friends do. I dunno what all we can do, but we're here to help. You don't have to do this all alone. Besides, we're Gryffindors. We love trouble and adventure and all of that fun stuff, remember?" he asked teasingly.

Draco chuckled and rolled his eyes. "Of course."

"Now, no more reckless tricks, Draco," Hermione said. "And learn to rely on your friends a bit more."

"Yes, Mum," Draco said with a grin, laughing as Hermione glared and slapped his arm. "So…you're not mad at me?"

"Well I am now," Hermione teased.

"We're good," Harry assured him. "So don't worry. We'll find a way to get this all figured out."

Draco nodded slowly. "Alright then. But if you screw up…" He trailed off and threateningly slashed his finger across his throat.

"Right," Harry said, rolling his eyes.

Draco remained with them for a few more minutes, tempted to skip his first class to stay with them, but Hermione scolded him and ended up convincing him not to skip any classes for her sake and also asked him to stop by Professor Babbling and Professor Vector's offices to pick up her Ancient Runes and Arithmancy work, figuring Harry and Draco could catch her up on what she had in her other classes. The two watched him go and Hermione just shook her head.

"Do you believe he actually thought that would work?" Hermione snorted. "Speaking of, you better not think you can skip your classes, either."

"You're gonna make me face Severus on my own?" Harry asked teasingly.

"Nonsense. You'll have Draco," Hermione replied.

"Yes, well," Harry said, shaking his head. Considering how yesterday had gone, Harry wasn't sure how Defense was going to go, but he figured he had to at least try to make things worse. Otherwise, he was never going to get through that class. "I did manage to get the memory from Slughorn."

"Did you?" Hermione asked with a smile. "Did you show Dumbledore yet?"

"Yeah," Harry said, launching into an explanation about what Horcruxes were and Dumbledore's theories on the subject. "…he also agreed to let me come with him when he find the next one," he finished, glad to have his mind on something constructive. All of this personal life drama was driving him insane.

"Oh wow," Hermione said, looking stunned. "That's…that's…"

"Wow?" Harry supplied with a smile.

Hermione glared at him. "Yes! That's so…It's just…Very interesting," she decided. "That's really unique power…Disgusting the lengths someone would go through to be 'immortal'," she said, wrinkling her nose. "I do think it's very nice that Dumbledore will let you go along, though…I suppose it can't be too dangerous or anything if he agreed to that."

"I'm pretty sure after all of these years he would have faith in my abilities to deal with danger," Harry pointed out.

"Yes, well, you very well don't need to be getting yourself into any more trouble than you already have in life," Hermione said with a smile. "Though…He made so many," Hermione said, looking thoughtful. "Only two down…That's good, I suppose, but Horcruxes are Dark magic and he made more than one? That's just incredible…Incredibly bad, of course, but…Well, you know what I mean." Hermione said, pursing her lips. "And to not even know what they all are…That's a little scary, isn't it? Voldemort's becoming more and more powerful and we still have to spend this time hunting down objects that could be anything and anywhere before killing him. And so many people have been dying…Poor Hannah Abbot's mother was killed the other day, you know."

"Yeah," Harry agreed, frowning deeply. He spent so much time preparing for this stupid war that he hardly had time to pay attention to what Voldemort and his Death Eaters were doing, though he knew that Hermione often scanned the pages of the Daily Prophet looking for new disappearances or deaths. This was the first time Harry could recall it affecting someone he actually knew somewhat well. "I wish he'd let me talk to Severus about it," Harry said with a sigh. "I'm only allowed to tell you all of this. Not Severus or Draco…But they'd be the most helpful, wouldn't they? People who have been around him and know him better, I mean."

Hermione sighed. "I do hate keeping something from Draco now that we've all made up…"

"And made a big deal about being open with each other,' Harry added.

"Yes, that, too," Hermione said stiffly. "But Dumbledore obviously has a reason for not wanting them to know."

"They're too close to Voldemort and if anything happened, we wouldn't want Voldemort to know what we know," Harry said.

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The day went by without much incident. In Defense Severus had taken the opposite approach of the day before and set about ignoring Harry altogether. Harry tried to linger behind to speak to him, but Severus seemed to disappear just as quickly as the students. Slughorn cancelled Potions so Draco and Harry were able to spend more time with Hermione in the infirmary, though all she did was pester them about starting on their homework while she eagerly took her own assignments from them and looked through them eagerly.

"Do I have to get Madam Pomfrey in here?" Draco had teased. "Shouldn't you be recovering?"

By the end of the day, Harry was grateful to be heading towards detention, even if Severus had promised it would be a real detention and not just an excuse for their lessons, which were sure to follow. He had no idea what to do or say, but he did know that he wanted to make things right. He still felt a bit weird, knowing what Severus had done…But being away from him hurt a lot more than Harry had ever imagined and he hated how things were between them now. He had to at least give it a chance…To at least see if it was something they could deal with.

As soon as he was done with dinner he went down to Severus's office, a bit pleased to find that the man wasn't there already. He sat down in a chair in front of the man's desk and tried to focus on calming down. He was still nervous and still hadn't completely worked out what to say yet. He fidgeted where he sat a lot and stared at the area behind Severus's desk, the wall where he knew a door would appear with the right password. Harry frowned and grabbed the chain around his neck and pulled the pendant out from under his shirt. He held the strangely cold metal in his hands, tracing his finger over the new password, meus leo. He didn't really know what that meant, but he rarely knew what Severus's passwords translated to. With a sigh he let the snake and lion fall back against his chest, not even bothering to slide the pendant back into his shirt.

He was tempted to sneak into Severus's rooms, but he wasn't sure what good that would do him. He did find that he missed the place a great deal…Harry tried to focus on thinking of what he needed to do, but all that came to mind were thoughts of sneaking into Severus's rooms or all he could imagine was the man picking a fight and just thought of them screaming insults at each other.

At least Harry had a few good ones if they did fight.

It was a little over ten minutes later before Severus finally walked in. Harry barley registered the door opening, only the sound of Severus's voice capturing his attention. "Early, I see, Potter," Severus drawled, walking around his desk to face Harry.

"It happens sometimes," Harry said, noticing the way Severus's dark eyes lingered over the necklace. "Look, Seve-"

"Professor Snape or sir," Severus corrected him darkly.

"I miss you, Severus," Harry said boldly.

Severus glared at him.

"I really do!" Harry quickly said. "Look, I'm sorry about everything. But you have got to know that it wasn't exactly easy. Don't you?"

Severus said nothing, only stared at him with an almost suspicious look that Harry hated. They had been doing so well…He had finally gotten Severus to start being more open and more accepting of their relationship and their feelings. And then what had happened? Of course, something had to come right on in to fuck it up.

"You have a very bad, dark past, I realize that," Harry said. "And I don't know that it will be easy for us when I know what I know, but I want to try…I love you. I'm tired of being horrible to each other. I just…I want things to be okay again."

"And what makes you think anything will be okay again, Potter?" Severus demanded.

"I at least want to try," Harry said. "Don't tell me you've already given up."

Severus scowled. "What does it even matter? I was taking a big enough chance on you to begin with, Potter. This just goes to show that it was a mistake on my part."

Harry cringed, feeling as though he had been punched in the gut. "Don't say that," he muttered.

"You'll be writing lines tonight, Potter," Severus said. "It is such a shame I don't have as clever a quill for you to use as Umbridge did."

Harry glared at him. "Stop being like this."

"I'm being your teacher, as I should have been all along," Severus said.

Harry wanted to scream at him and knock some sense into him. He felt slightly panicky. He had spent so long trying to work on getting Severus to relax and just enjoy being together, and now he had bollocksed it all up. His jaw clenched and he reluctantly dug into his bag for parchment, a quill, and an inkpot under Severus's close gaze.

Once he set them all on the desk he stood up and walked around to where Severus sat. "Potter," Severus said warningly as Harry swooped down to kiss him. Severus quickly ducked out of the way so that his lips landed on Severus's cheek, but Harry didn't let that deter him. Even as he blushed he moved down to press his lips to Severus's neck, using his hand to push his robes and shirt away to expose more of that long, pale neck. "Potter, unhand me this instant!" Severus demanded, though his move to push Harry away were feeble, at best. Harry kissed at the pale skin, desperate to get Severus going enough so that he'd forget all of his problems with the whole matter. The only issue was was that Harry wasn't so sure how good he was at even doing this. He didn't know how to be sexy or anything…not like Severus, whose every move seemed able to seduce him. He was awkward, but he was trying.

After a moment Severus's arms came around him and Harry found himself being pulled into the man's lap. It wasn't entirely comfortable with the arms of the chair digging into his knee and the side of his leg, but he was too relieved that Severus was holding him to care much about the discomfort. He felt a bit more confident in what he was doing, as well, as he figured Severus would have stopped it if he was doing a bad job. This wasn't too bad. He experimentally flicked out his tongue, trailing it over smooth skin the way Severus liked to do to him. The small intake of breath from his lover encouraged him on. His hands grasped at Severus's shoulders for support as he kissed and licked at his neck, becoming more and more comfortable the more he did so. Harry always liked it when Severus did this to him and while Severus wasn't nearly so vocal as Harry was (an embarrassing fact to think about, really), he could tell by the way Severus's hands tightened around him and by his breathing that he was enjoying himself.

"Love you," Harry mumbled into his ear before pulling back slightly to look down at his lover.

"You are a brat, you know," Severus muttered in response before sliding his hand up his back to entangle in Harry's hair before pulling him down into a deep kiss. Harry returned the kiss eagerly, almost not believing that Severus wasn't making this so much harder and so grateful that he wasn't.

"I know," Harry said, pulling back a minute later. He kisses Severus again before pulling back with a sly grin. "You know…I think we could…you know…have make up sex now. Right? Since we're made up."

Severus snorted. "Of course your mind is on sex. Don't tell me that's the only reason you came back."

"Of course not," Harry replied with a cheeky grin. "If I wanted sex I'm sure Nott…" He trailed off and laughed at the glare Severus gave, jumping in surprise as the man slapped his bum.

"That is no way to convince me to take you, Potter," Severus purred quietly, causing Harry to shiver pleasantly.

"C'mon…" Harry said, rubbing his hips against Severus so that he could feel how aroused he was becoming.

"That's hardly an attempt at seduction, Potter," Severus replied, smirking, amusement glittering in his black eyes.

"Erm…Please?" Harry said, blushing furiously. He had no idea what Severus wanted him to do and the word seduction left him a bit nervous. How the bloody hell did a bloke seduce another bloke? He didn't have Severus's voice or the way the man looked at him, so that was out of the question. People used sexy voices all the time and they moved in certain ways that appealed to their partner, but Harry was at a loss as to how to go about doing it himself. And honestly, anything he could think of embarrassed him just to think about doing.

"Surely you can do better than that?" Severus teased.

"Bloody hell, I just want to celebrate making up with you, you git," Harry muttered.

"Ahh…What a tempting offer it is…Harry," he murmured and Harry licked his lips. "I suppose it wouldn't hurt to indulge you…"

"Right," Harry said with a grin, leaning in to kiss Severus deeply while he moved his feet back down to the floor. "We should do it over your desk."

"We should?" Severus asked, cocking an eyebrow.

"Yeah," Harry said with a nervous grin. "We've never done it outside of your rooms before and…it seems kind of…I dunno, I've dreamed about it before and…Yeah."

"Ahh…I think I recall said dreams," Severus replied with a grin, standing up as well and walking forward, pressing Harry back against the desk. Long, potion-stained fingers tangled into his hair and pulled him into a deep, dizzying kiss. Harry wrapped his arms around him and held him as close as he could, rubbing his hardness frantically against Severus. "Naughty, impatient boy," Severus mumbled against his mouth, though Harry could feel those thin lips curled up in a small smile. They continued kissing and Harry moaned quietly in response to Severus's hands running along his body, up his inner thighs and only momentarily rubbing over the bulge in his pants before sliding around his hips and over his bum and up his spine. Harry, meanwhile, latched his trembling fingers to the buttons on Severus's robes, unbuttoning them as best he could.

All at once they heard a knock on the door, the creak of the door opening, and the sound of Professor Minerva McGonagall's voice saying, "Severus, we really must have a talk about the S-Merlin! What on Earth are you doing?"

Harry gasped and jumped, spinning around to stare wide eyed at his Head of House standing in the doorway of Severus's office while Severus backed away, speaking in a calmer voice than Harry thought was natural in this situation. "Minerva, you really should knock before entering one's office."

"One's office door wasn't closed entirely!" McGonagall snapped, staring in shock. "Mr. Potter, are you alright?"

"I…Yes," Harry said, swallowing hard.

"Severus, how could you?" McGonagall demanded.

"He…He wasn't raping me or anything," Harry supplied, fidgeting nervously where he stood.

"Potter, do shut up," Severus said.

"How lo-Never mind. We are going to see the headmaster," McGonagall said sternly. "Potter, come along. You might as well come, too, Severus, you're not going to be able to run away from this."

"I had no intentions of doing so," Severus replied smoothly, buttoning up the few buttons Harry had managed to undo. Harry couldn't read his expression and Severus seemed to refuse to look at Harry now. "Shall we?"

McGonagall glowered at him hatefully and ushered Harry along. Panic hit him hard as he was pushed along in front of McGonagall. Dumbledore had been okay with things, but he had warned them to be cautious with their relationship. Did Dumbledore even know they were having sex? Of course, they weren't really having sex when McGonagall came in. But Dumbledore would still be upset they had gotten caught…And since someone else knew, would they have to report Severus to the authorities? Would he go to Azkaban? Fuck, fuck, fuck, Harry thought to himself. Why hadn't they noticed the door wasn't closed all the way? Why hadn't Severus put up all of those charms he usually did before their lessons. Oh right, it was detention. Maybe he did it all on purpose to keep himself from doing what we ended up doing anyway, he thought miserably.

"Professor, really, it's-" Harry said for maybe the eighth time since they started this journey. He could see the gargoyle up ahead now.

"Do not make excuses for him, Mr. Potter," McGonagall warned. "We will let the headmaster deal with this." McGonagall walked ahead of him to the gargoyle. "Pumpkin pops," she said distastefully and Harry felt his stomach sinking as she stepped onto the moving staircase.

"Go on, Harry," Severus encouraged quietly, his voice betraying a resignation that Harry hated. Harry reluctantly followed McGonagall up to Dumbledore's office, any hope at all he held onto dying as the gargoyle's entrance closed.

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Lost and Damned