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Amore et Amicitia	By : Kimmimaru Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male > Sirius/James Views: 6685 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 1
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any characters or settings by JK Rowling. I make no profit from this story.

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AN: Hi, hope alls still well with my wonderful readers. I enjoyed this chapter even if it HAS taken me so long to write it, I hope you all enjoy it too. :)

Chapter Fifty-Seven: Te absolvo (I forgive)

“Tell us what happened.” Crouch demanded, he glared down at the boy in distaste.

James froze, his hands gripping the balustrade so tightly his knuckles were white, he watched Sirius raise his head with difficulty and he trained dark eyes upon the man who held his fate in his hands. “I was supposed to be Secret Keeper for the Potters.” He said slowly, his voice thick with emotion, guilt being prominent among them. “But…But I refused. I-I couldn’t trust myself…I was the obvious choice…of course the Dark Lord would realize it was me they had chosen! He’s evil, not stupid.” James heard Dumbledore sigh softly and saw him shaking his head. Sirius’ eyes drifted out of focus, his breathing came in rapid bursts as he stared at the wall, slowly he continued in a dead monotone. “We made Peter Secret Keeper in my stead…I went to check on him…to make sure he was alright…when I opened the door I went into the hall way and overheard…I…” His voice trailed off and he frowned vaguely. “…he was speaking to Lucius Malfoy.” There was a sudden rush of whispers as people muttered amongst themselves, Sirius waited for them to die down before continuing. “Peter was going to betray us. He said to Malfoy that in exchange for his own protection he was going to give him the Potters…” Sirius lowered his head. “I saw red…I don’t remember what happened afterwards…Then I seemed to come out of that fog a-and I…I saw him…L-lying there…I-I…I k-killed him…”

“So what you are saying is that it was…justified?” Crouch raised a disbelieving eyebrow as he turned to the people sat behind him.

Sirius slumped in defeat, he shrugged. “How can you justify it? Murder is murder…”

This statement caused mutters to flow through the spectators; James gazed at Sirius with wide eyes as hope flared in his chest. He had liked Peter, Peter had been his friend…but if what Sirius was saying was true then Peter was going to betray them. Peter was going to hand them over to Voldemort, he was going to allow the death of an infant because he was afraid of dying. A shudder went through him and he clenched his hands into fists.

Crouch shuffled his notes, gazing down at Sirius’ records. He saw something on one from his time at Hogwarts, slowly he lifted his head. “Is it true, Mr. Black, that you are a…Homosexual?”

Sirius’ whole body tensed, his head rose slowly until he was gazing at Crouch with obvious confusion. “You what?”

“It says here, on your school record, that you were involved in an incident that involved images of you partaking in...sexual acts with other boys, is this true?”

Sirius’ eyes darted around the room which was silent with anticipation. “I-I…What does my sexuality have to do with murder?” He asked.

“It would show everyone here what kind of person you are, call it a character assessment.”

Sirius’ tongue darted out and he wet his lips nervously, his eyes met James’ who looked angry. He was glaring at Crouch as if he was a piece of dirt on his boot. “I don’t…I don’t see what relevance-”

“I will decide what is relevant, Mr. Black. You just have to answer the question.”

Sirius shivered. “Alright then. Fine. I am a homosexual…I’m gay.” He up straight as he spoke, his voice loud enough to carry across the room, James felt a flash of pride and he grinned down at Sirius.

“I see…so you partook in sexual acts at a young age? You were thrown out of your house for this reason?” Sirius nodded slowly, his eyes showing nothing but insolent contempt. “You were disowned, your family are known to be strong supporters of the Dark Lord, you are a deviant and have been corrupting others throughout your schooling…I see that you have been in trouble numerous times throughout your school career and you were known for bullying and asserting power over those weaker than yourself…”

All Sirius had to do was gaze into Crouch’s eyes to see that he was going to be found guilty, he only needed to see the stern, determined set to the man’s face to know he was doomed to life in Azkaban. Suddenly he felt laughter bubble up into this throat, it rose like bile and spilled from his lips in a sharp bark. He threw his head back and laughed so hard tears pricked his eyes.

James felt a wave of sickness engulf him, he stood up abruptly ignoring Lily as she tugged on the sleeve of his robes. “This is wrong!” He said loudly, his voice carrying across the angry crowd. “This is…this is disgusting! You can’t condemn a man simply because of who he chooses to sleep with! It has no bearing on the case, you’re just trying to vilify him to get a conviction!”

Sirius’ head jerked around and his eyes widened, his face was a picture of surprise as he gazed at James. “Jamie…” He breathed softly, hardly a whisper of air past his numb lips. His eyes filled with emotion as James met his gaze, they stared at each other for a long, intense moment until Crouch slammed his gavel onto the desk.

“Alright, we have heard the defense. Now we vote…raise your hand if you believe the defendant to be guilty.”

Sirius didn’t look away from James, he ignored everything else as he saw James smile weakly at him, his mouth formed words that couldn’t be heard over the din in the courtroom as Sirius’ verdict was given; I forgive you. Warmth burst in Sirius’ chest, he felt a smile tug at his lips and when cold hands closed around his arms he whispered; Thank you, I love you James. Cold seeped into his very bones; he shivered and closed his eyes against the distant screams that echoed through his head. He tried desperately to hold onto the warmth that James’ forgiveness had give him, he tried to grab hold of it and tuck it far away into his heart where he could keep it forever. James had forgiven him. James would not hate him. If he had that, if he could hold onto that perhaps he could hold onto his sanity. The Dementors breath rattled from the dark beneath their hoods, Sirius let himself be dragged to his feet where he swayed and stumbled. He forced his eyes open and turned so he was staring up at the stands, he searched and finally found James watching him. He tried to smile but found that he couldn’t. The Dementors were sucking in the air and with it his happiness. It left him like blood from an open wound, his knees gave way and he fell forward only to be caught by those horrible hands. They bruised his skin but he still managed to force his head up to ensure he locked gazes with his lover, he looked through a curtain of pitch black hair for as long as he could as the Dementors tried to drag him from the court room. “James…” He breathed weakly, forcing the screams aside. His mother’s voice tried to shatter the talisman that was keeping his heart from turning to stone, finally he had reached the doors and as he was pulled through them he managed to use the last of his rapidly waning strength to shout; “Jamie! Don’t ever forget…don’t forget…Please…” He ripped one of his arms free and lifted it, reaching for his lover as the doors threatened to block the sight of him out forever. He saw agony pass across James’ face and before anyone could stop him he had vaulted the barrier, Lily watched with wide eyes as her husband ran across the floor and grabbed Sirius’ hand in his own. Their fingers entwined and Sirius found himself wrenched brutally out of the cold grasp of the Dementors, he was forced into the wall and a hot mouth was on his own. Fingers tangled in hair, their breath mingled and became one as Sirius sobbed James’ name into his mouth. Their tongues danced in the confines of their lips and they held each other so tightly their clothing tore along the seams.

“Sirius…I’ll never forget…” James gasped, his hands slipping from Sirius’ hair as several people grabbed him by the arms and dragged him roughly away. “I’ll get you out! I promise! If it’s the last thing I ever fucking do, we’ll be together again!”

Sirius’ face twisted in pain as the Dementors took hold of him again, he felt scabbed fingers close around his arms, his head swam from the intensity and confusion of the moment and he watched James struggle in the arms of Auror’s. They looked at each other for a long moment; Sirius forced a smile as his legs gave way. “…’love you Jamie…” He whispered and fell into darkness.

James went limp when he saw Sirius faint, he was dragged roughly from his sight and the last thing he saw of him was his limp body, pale face and a fall of tangled black hair before he was obscured from view. The Auror’s released him when they realized he wasn’t going to fight anymore and he felt a soft hand slide into his own, hot breath caressed his ear as Lily whispered to him, “I’m so sorry, James.” Her voice hitched as she tried to hold back her own grief. “I truly am.”

James took a shuddery breath before straightening and taking Harry from her arms, he held his son tightly with one hand cupping the back of his head. “I know…we all are, Lil’s.” Harry stirred fitfully, he began to make a desperate sound that always preceded tears, James hushed him with soft nonsense while he gazed down the corridor where they had just taken his boyfriend. “We’ll get him back, Harry…don’t you worry about that. We’ll get your Godfather back.”

XXX

Remus sat in perfect silence as James spoke haltingly about the trial, he could hardly believe that Peter was dead let alone that Sirius had killed him but now James was saying how Peter had been about to give away their lives to Voldemort, he couldn’t be more confused. “…They pronounced him guilty and then…then they…” James faltered and lowered his head. They sat in the living room to the small cottage in Godric’s Hollow but it seemed a darker place now that their safety had been compromised, even with all the extra protection Dumbledore had erected. They had to now choose a new secret keeper and James had said that they would take Dumbledore up on his previous offer, it would be safer. “They took him away.” James finished in a small voice, he pushed hands into his messy hair and sighed shakily. “It’s all so fucked up!”

“Sirius really did it then? He really murdered Peter?” Remus asked softly, his eyes wide in his pale face.

James nodded, “Yeah…he killed him when he discovered he was going to betray us. I…I liked Peter…I thought that he was a good guy…I never would have thought…I-I can’t live like this much longer, Remus! I trusted them! I trusted them both! Why?! Why would they do this?! Why would Peter betray us? Why would Sirius stain his hands with blood?! FUCK!” James slammed a hand into the table making his tea fall to the floor, he didn’t seem to see it as he glared furiously at the wood. “I don’t understand! I thought…I thought I fucking knew them! How could they?! How could this happen….? I…I can’t…I can’t live like this…I can’t trust anyone.”

Remus nodded slowly, he gazed down into his tea with sad eyes. “No, you can’t trust anyone.” He agreed quietly. “Humans are, by all accounts, untrustworthy creatures. I’ve warned you before, James.”

Slowly James lifted his head, he looked at Remus through his lopsided glasses. “Can I trust you, old friend?”

Remus smiled. “I’d like to say yes, but I would be lying. I am as fallible as any human, anyone could be a spy…it’s safer not to trust at all, Prongs.”

James nodded slowly. “But you…you haven’t…betrayed me have you?”

Remus shook his head, his smile becoming a little less grim. “No, James, I haven’t. But blind trust gets you killed or sent to Azkaban, do not be so quick to trust in the future.”

“I won’t make that mistake again….ever.” James replied in a shaky voice.

XXX

Sirius’ eyes flickered open slowly, he groaned heavily as he tried to sit upright. A cold hand was placed upon his shoulder and he was pushed back onto the hard bed, he moved his head and blinked as a face swam into clarity. The man was of middle age with a head full of scraggly grey hair and dark, haunted eyes. His beard was full and bushy but it had bald patches here and there. “Where ‘m I?” Sirius muttered vaguely, his tongue felt thick in his mouth.

“Azkaban, boy.” The man replied in a gruff voice, it sounded as if he hadn’t spoken in a long time. Sirius once again tried to sit up but the man was stronger than he appeared. “I’d lie still a moment, the Dementors really did a number on you.”

Sirius groaned again and lifted his hands so his face was covered, he took a shuddery breath and finally began listening to the sounds that surrounded him. There were screams, insane laughter and terrified cries along with the sounds of gulls drifting through the window in their cell. “It’s…it’s true then? I didn’t dream it…” He sighed shakily.

“Any who dream about this place is mad.” The man said and Sirius moved his hands away from his eyes to look at him. “I know you. Sirius Black, Orion’s boy, isn’t it?”

Sirius grimaced and nodded reluctantly. “Yeah…unfortunately.”

“You’ve got Walburga’s beauty, a dark beauty. I’d look out for yourself in here, the pretty ones never last.”

Sirius shivered and finally managed to sit upright, he leaned against the wall and gazed around. The cell was a roughly hewn square that opened on one side, bars covered the opening to reveal a long dark corridor lined with flickering torches. The despair and cold seemed to seep from the very walls themselves, it was like being doused in ice water. “I can look after myself…” Sirius muttered and ran fingers through his hair distractedly. “They broke my wand.” He said quietly and looked down at his hands. “I…I’m never leaving this place, am I?”

“Depends on what you did.”

“I murdered my best friend.” Sirius smiled wonkily, his eyes meeting the other man’s. “I tortured him before finishing him off, then stabbed him in the heart with a knife…my parents would be severely disappointed that I used a muggle weapon.” He chuckled darkly. “You know me but I’m afraid I don’t know you…”

“The name’s Caspar Crouch.”

Sirius smiled weakly and held out his hand, “So, this is where you’ve been hiding all this time. No one in the family would talk about you…how did you end up here?”

The man briefly shook Sirius’ hand and leaned back against the cold stone wall. “I was making illegal potions and was found out, I ended up here and it seems the world has forgotten me. How is my wife, Charis?”

“She died back in ’73.” Sirius replied.

Pain crossed the man’s face before he covered it, he stroked his beard and stared at Sirius intently. “Shame that, she was a good woman.” He sighed and shook his head before returning his eyes to Sirius who was taking the time to stare despondently at the floor. “Did you really murder someone?”

Sirius nodded. “Yes, I killed him…one of my best friends.” He sighed and sank down the wall, his shoulders slumped and a light seemed to go out in his eyes. Caspar thought he looked like a corpse, shadows darkened his sockets making them look sunken even in such early days the Dementors were having a drastic affect. “Peter Pettigrew his name was…”

“Why? You never were like your family, or so people said.”

“I thought the same until I saw Peter’s corpse lying on the carpet…” He shook his head slowly. “Obviously I was mistaken, I’m more like my mother and father than I wish…it’s only a shame that I came to the realization the way I did.”

“Black Madness, eh?”

Sirius let out a bark of humorless laughter. “Yeah, that’s as good an excuse as any.”

XXX

“Please, Albus, I have to see him!” James pleaded his eyes wide behind his glasses. He hadn’t seen Sirius for four months, Harry was growing rapidly and the Order continued their fight against the Dark. James felt like a ghost, as if the whole world had forgotten him and his family, all except Remus and Dumbledore who continued to update him on the progress they were making.

“I cannot guarantee that you will be given visitation rights, you are not a welcome guest at the ministry.” Albus replied, he had been one of many witnesses to the passionate display of the two boys before Sirius had been dragged off to Azkaban. James’ stunt had become the talk of the wizarding community, everyone now assumed James and Lily were divorced and would send regret letters to Albus to hand onto her. Lily read them and replied with the same thing each time; ‘My husband and I are perfectly well, we are not having problems and contrary to whatever rumors you have heard he is not gay with his best friend.’ Sirius, however, had not been so lucky. The Prophet and other news papers vilified him; they used his sexuality as a way to insight anger and hatred towards him. They called him promiscuous, a seducer, the Dark Lord’s whore and many other unsavory things. Albus understood that if Sirius were ever to gain his freedom he would not be welcomed back easily by the wider world. James glared angrily at Dumbledore.

“I don’t give a shit what the Ministry think, not anymore. How can I trust them after they just threw my lover into Jail?!”

“This is true but I believe they would only reluctantly allow you to see him, murderers of any sort tend to only be allowed such privellges if they have contacts within the ministry itself…”

“But you do. You know how you can get me in to see him…please, Albus…I’m lost without him.”

Dumbledore saw the desperate devotion in James’ eyes and he sighed. “Very well, I will see what I can do. But James, remember that the man you knew may no longer exist. Crimes such as he has committed change a person, and the effects of the Dementors will be stronger than normal. Are you prepared for this?”

James nodded determinedly and Albus shook his head slowly, he knew James would not like what he was greeted with. Azkaban was feared but very few people knew the true terror and horror of the place.
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Amore et Amicitia