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Lost and Damned	By : danniperson Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male > Harry/Snape Views: 24087 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, the characters or the world or anything, and I make absolutely no profit from this.

Chapter List
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LOST AND DAMNED

Only I Can See Inside of You

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Severus wasn't in his office when Harry arrived with the Potions text book. Of course not. Harry was mildly annoyed, but mostly disappointed when his lover was no where to be found. Harry patted the front of his shirt to feel for the necklace he had gotten from Severus, tempted to sneak a peak at the password and go into his rooms to look, but decided against it. Severus was furious with him at the moment and Harry didn't much blame him. He was also tempted to just take his Potions textbook back with him since Severus wasn't there to take it, but he ended up leaving the book on the edge of Severus's desk and frowned as he left. It didn't feel very right to part with the book, but Harry wasn't going to fight it much at the moment. Instead he focused on heading to the Room of Requirement, surprised to see Draco and Hermione waiting for him.

The room was perfect…Equipped with a fireplace, a desk where Hermione's homework was spread out, a coffee table full of snacks, and plenty of comfortable furniture surrounding it. Hermione had been sitting at the chair in front of the desk, though she had turned it towards the chair Draco was seated in near the fireplace. She had a quill in her hand she was twirling around absentmindedly. Draco was finishing up an origami bird in his lap before tossing it up and quickly waving his wand so that it began flapping its parchment wings and flying around the room. "-nno what to do," Draco was saying as Harry opened the door.

Hermione sat up straight, eyes growing wide when she noticed Harry. The next instant she jumped up and ran over to him, throwing her arms around him and hugging him tightly. "God, Harry! Are you alright?" she asked, letting her quill fall to the floor as she tugged Harry over to the couch and sitting down right beside him.

"I guess," Harry said. It felt so wrong sitting here with them. He felt like he should go see how Nott was doing, even if the boy was an arse. Or he could be trying to work things out with Severus…But there wasn't much he could do for now. "Severus is mad at me. And we only just made things right."

"Wait, you two made up?" Draco asked.

"Mhm," Harry said, taking a deep breath. "Made up last night…Nearly had sex over his desk…Got caught snogging by McGonagall…Got dragged to Dumbledore's office…Dumbledore managed to sort of talk to her about us and get her to not report us…Severus nearly tried to end things again after that, but we ended up okay…Then today McGonagall calls me into her office to basically call Severus a pedophile and tell me he's just using me and all sorts of other shite that made me tell her to sod off…Then the whole thing with Nott and he's pissed again."

It wasn't the most detailed explanation, but Harry didn't have the energy to tell the whole damn story.

"Oh, Harry, you really shouldn't talk to a teacher that way no matter what," Hermione said with a frown. "Though…She caught you together?"

"Mhm," Harry said, nodding his head.

"Damn cock block," Draco muttered. "What did Dumbly tell her?"

"Went on about how we loved each other and weren't having sex," Harry said, unable to help but grin at the last part.

Draco snorted. "Did she buy that? You're both men and you're a teenager."

"No…Though she blames that on Severus being a nasty, horny pedophile," Harry muttered.

"Does Dumbledore seriously think that?" Draco went on.

"I have no clue…Probably not," Harry said. "Though as long as he doesn't know I figure it's okay."

"You two really should be more careful, Harry," Hermione said with a frown.

"I know," Harry said in annoyance, trying not to snap at her. As if he hadn't heard it enough already from different people.

"What's the fun if you eliminate the thrill of being caught?" Draco asked with a mischievous smirk.

"Severus keeps his job and stays out of jail," Harry replied.

"It wouldn't just be bad on Professor Snape, either," Hermione said. "Not only would a teacher-student relationship end up in the Prophet but it would stay there a while because of Harry. Even if no real punishment would be given to Harry as the so-called 'victim' of the situation, there would be those out there who would treat him badly…Especially since he's gay and you know how people are about that. They'd go crazy if their Chosen One was a homosexual and they'd probably bother him more than they ever have because of it."

"Sheesh, it was a joke," Draco laughed. "I know it's bad, I was just trying to lighten the mood."

"We do not need to lighten the mood!" Hermione snapped. "This is very serious, Draco!"

"I know it's serious, Hermione!" Draco snapped back. "But I don't think forcing him to have a panic attack will fix things. We can chill out and still recognize how bad things are and that there are things we need to do."

"How can we accomplish that if we're not taking anything seriously?" Hermione demanded indignantly.

"Just agree to disagree, I'm tired of listening to you two fight," Harry muttered. "We have other things to focus on anyway…Like how I almost killed someone."

"Where did you learn that?" Draco asked curiously.

Harry glanced at Hermione and hesitated, though her eyes narrowed suspiciously. "Erm…My potions textbook."

Draco cocked an eyebrow. "You learned a Dark curse from a potions te-"

"The Half Blood Prince?" Hermione hissed.

"Severus," Harry said with a nod, reminding her that he had told her that Severus was the one who had owned the book.

"Yes, and the last I recall he agreed with me that the things in that book were dangerous!" Hermione snapped.

"Yes, I remember," Harry snapped back, glaring at her.

"Wait, what?" Draco asked in confusion.

"Harry-" Hermione began.

"Look, don't worry about it. Severus already made me give the book back anyway," Harry said.

"I'm confused," Draco said. "What about Severus?"

"The book I've been using used to be his…He had written down a lot of corrections to the directions and scribbled spells he made up in the margins," Harry explained. "He tried to confiscate it before, but I sort of promised not to be stupid with it."

Draco grinned. "And he trusted you with it?"

Harry glowered at him. "I was trying to protect you."

Hermione looked confused and Draco frowned. Harry glanced between them. "Wait, you didn't tell her what happened?"

"What happened?" Hermione demanded.

"Nott used the Cruciatus Curse against Draco," Harry explained.

"So all in all, the prat deserved it," Draco muttered with a huff, flipping his blond hair out of his face dramatically.

"Nearly killing someone isn't the answer," Hermione said weakly, though she slid off of the couch and walked over to Draco. Harry was glad they were back together, but seeing that soft look of adoration Draco gave Hermione as he pulled her into his lap made him envy them, his heart aching in his craving for his lover. Somehow, Harry doubted things would be so good between him and Severus if he went to see the man now.

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The next few days were not much better. He began performing poorly in Potions (though not as badly as he had when Severus was teaching the subject…He at least scraped As, but they weren't very pleasing since he was used to top marks this year), to Slughorn's chagrin. Hermione and Draco were both pleased by this development. He had detentions for a few nights with Filch and a very cleverly placed one during the last Quidditch match of the year. Ginny was having to take over as Seeker and at least Katie was back from St. Mungo's and able to take over her usual position. Nott hadn't left the infirmary yet and apparently all of the teachers knew about the incident. McGonagall used the opportunity to call him into her office again to scold him for attacking a fellow student in such an awful manner and hinted at bad influences in his life.

The worst of things was with Severus. In class he was as big of a bully as ever, attacking him nearly as much as he did Neville. Lessons resumed the day following the incident with Nott, but that Thursday night was far from being better. Severus was harder on him than ever and teased him about enjoying Dark magic and even made a particularly nasty comment about becoming the next Dark Lord. Harry had been too upset to bother trying to stick around and make up with Severus, still feeling too horrified by what he had done to Nott. The following day it had only angered him beyond all belief and he had bit his tongue the best he could, trying not to let Severus provoke him too much.

He spent Saturday morning finishing up his detention while the Quidditch match went on. He had to organize files and records of old punishments, a decidedly boring job. He almost thought he'd rather clean, so that he'd actually be doing something. It wasn't as if he wasn't used to cleaning. He had way too much time on his hands to obsess over how the game was going. Was it good for Katie to be playing again so soon after leaving St. Mungo's? Was Ginny really that strong of a Seeker? Should he have really let Dean back on the team as a Chaser? Was it smart to have not replaced Cormac already? How good was Ravenclaw?

Damn it, Severus.

Quidditch was one of very few activities these days he was able to do and actually enjoy doing, but no. He had to ruin it for him. And the last match of the year, too! Severus had every right to be mad, but did he have to be such an arse about it? Harry snorted. Of course he did…He wouldn't be Severus otherwise, would he?

He was finally done with all of it around one in the afternoon and immediately ran off. He paused when he was near the pitch, but it all looked still and quiet from where he stood. He then took off towards Gryffindor Tower, where the team was sure to be after every game. He felt anxious as he went and met no one in the corridors who might give him some clue as to the outcome of the game.

"Quid agis!" he said to the Fat Lady who immediately swung open the door.

A roar of celebration met his ears and Harry felt himself being dragged into the room. Everyone was jumping and exclaiming loudly and singing songs he could barely make out. Katie was clutching the silver Cup and holding it up over her head for everyone to see and she waved it around a bit when she saw Harry, grinning broadly. Harry grinned back, glad to see Hermione and Ginny pushing through the crowd towards him. She threw her arms around him and Harry went to hug her back, stunned by the feel of soft lips on his, his brain completely freezing in shock, panic, and horror as Ginny kissed him. Everything was too frozen for him to even consider moving away.

Finally, Ginny pulled herself away, her eyes wide as she realized what she had done. "Oh God…Harry…I…Damn it," Ginny muttered while her voice was drowned out by loud wolf-whistles and nervous giggles. Harry glanced up over Ginny's head, seeing a furious looking Dean (they had only broken up days ago), an even angrier Romilda Vane, and a cringing Hermione. "Just…caught up in the excitement…We won!" Ginny exclaimed, false enthusiasm in her voice and grin, panic all too clear in her bright brown eyes. She was blushing furiously and tugged Harry over to the couch where Hermione joined them. "We won by four hundred and fifty to a hundred and forty!"

Ginny and Katie were the main ones to catch him up on the details of the match, Cormac interjecting about his particularly impressive moves now and then while everyone ignored him entirely. By the time that was done, Ginny sent Hermione a look and both girls stood and headed towards the dormitories and Hermione glanced over her shoulder to shoot Harry a meaningful stare, though he wasn't sure what to make of it.

"Well…erm…I have detention to get to," Harry lied about an hour later, standing up.

"Didn't you have detention this morning?" Katie asked, confused.

Damn it. "Er…Yeah. But you know it's never enough for Se-Snape and Filch," Harry explained.

"Yeah," she said frowning. "Apparently, you've been in detention all year, haven't you?"

"Mhm. They have a vendetta against me, I swear it," Harry laughed. "Hopefully it won't be too long. I'll see you all at dinner!"

"Don't be late! Don't want to keep your girlfriend waiting!" Lavender giggled.

Harry smiled uneasily and walked out of the common room and walking as quickly as he dared down to the dungeons. He passed McGonagall on the third floor so he ended up walking all the way around to the boy's lavatory and waited there for a few minutes before sneaking back out to head back on his path, luckily without her and her suspicious stares. In the dungeons there was a large group of Slytherins hanging about. Daphne and Astoria Greengrass, Tracey Davis, Pansy Parkinson, Millicent Bulstrode, Gregory Goyle, Blaise Zabini, and a few younger years Harry didn't recognize all gathered around Nott. Harry quickly ducked into a nearby closet to avoid being seen, figuring it wasn't smart to get so tangled up in a large group of Slytherins and especially didn't want to get caught sneaking into Severus's office more than necessary. When the voices grew louder and then died out, Harry dared to sneak back out and quickly ran into Severus's office and pulled out his necklace, checking the password before giving it to the wall, waiting anxiously while the door slowly appeared.

He spent a lot of time in the common room feeling horrible, wondering what he was going to do about Ginny. He loved her…But only like a sister. And she still had feelings for him…He didn't want to hurt her, but Harry had no idea how to not do so.

It was only towards the end that he really got to thinking about how Severus would feel about all of this and figured it would be safer to just tell him than risk letting him stumble onto the memory while in Occlumency lessons.

Severus wasn't in the living room so Harry moved swiftly towards the bedroom, barging in without much care. Severus was looking up at him with a raised eyebrow from the desk by the window. He had a quill hovering over a piece of parchment and was giving Harry the same cold look he had been shooting him for days. "It appears your dearest team did just fine without you today," Severus sneered.

Harry wanted to hit him. Hard.

"Ginny kissed me," he said, glaring at the man, actually hoping it hurt.

That cold gaze was quickly burning up into wild anger and Harry watched those long fingers wrap more tightly around his quill, threatening to snap it. "Come to gloat, then?"

"I didn't say I kissed her back, did I?" Harry snapped. "Thought you might want to know."

Severus laughed and it was a dangerous sound. "What did she do to displease you so? To wish such bad fortune on young Miss Weasley?"

"I dunno…I actually dunno why I thought it would matter. You have no interest in snogging me anymore, might as well go enjoy it somewhere," he snapped, turning around to head back out. He barely made two steps before he was spun around and pushed back, stumbling and nearly falling, but held up by a vice grip on his arms as Severus slammed him into the door, closing it.

"Do not threaten me," Severus growled.

"I didn't think it mattered," Harry muttered sarcastically.

Severus looked like he might kiss him. That wild, obsessed, jealous look had taken him over once more and he was breathing heavily against Harry's mouth, only an inch or two away. Harry licked his lips, eyes drawn down to those pale, thin lips and trying desperately to keep his look stern and on Severus's gaze. "I'm not going to kiss you," Severus said quietly.

"I don't want you to," Harry lied. Every inch of his body was screaming at him to close that distance, pride be damned, but he ignored the longing that consumed him. He clenched his fists and held his arms determinedly at his sides. "Let me go."

Severus slowly slid his hands away, but he didn't move at all, just glaring at him.

"It's been days…I said I was sorry! You don't have to be such a fucking prick!" Harry ranted. "I feel horrible. I understand that I made a mistake. You can't keep doing this, though. Are you going to be mad at me forever?"

"More than likely, though I'm sure the reasons will change over time," Severus remarked.

Harry almost laughed.

"I trusted you to keep your word," Severus told him, voice resuming its cold tone while his eyes still burned in a black fire that warmed his body and made breathing impossible.

Harry felt awful. He did every time Severus pointed out something of that manner, though it was more accusatory than mocking. Harry swallowed hard and nodded. "I didn't remember where I had seen it. I panicked, Severus! He'd just Crucio-ed Draco."

Severus's eyes grew wide…He apparently hadn't known that particular detail. Harry relaxed a bit at the sight of the look, though Severus immediately sensed this and glared. "That changes nothing, Potter."

Harry sighed heavily and wanted to bang his head back against the door. "C'mon! I didn't mean to! Even so…It could be useful. I still think you should have taught me some of that stuff…You guys expect me to go to war with Voldemort and his Death Eaters not armed with something like that?"

Severus's eyes flashed even more angrily. "Have you any idea how addictive Dark magic can be, Potter? Do you have any sort of understanding at how…deadly it can be, especially in inexperienced and foolish hands?"

"As long as it's a danger to the right people…" Harry began.

"But it could just as easily be a danger to the wrong people!" Severus snapped.

"And just what did you expect to do with a curse like that, Severus?" Harry snarled and immediately regretted it as Severus slowly stepped back, only a moment of betrayal flashing across his face before it was covered by a cold mask Harry hated to see.

"Realizing just the sort of man you've involved yourself with?" Severus asked icily.

"Stop it," Harry said weakly, wanting to bang his head into the wall over and over and hunt down a Time Turner and go back and start this whole thing over again. He was disgusted with himself. "Look, I know, it was twenty or so years ago, right? I'm just tired of you acting like this! It was your spell! You shouldn't get to be this mad at me for using it! I need you, Severus! Do you think I felt good about seeing the sort of thing I was capable of doing? Do you think I was proud that I hurt Nott that much? I was freaking out, Severus! I was horrified with myself!"

Severus stared at him for a long moment and Harry wiggled nervously under his scrutiny. He had felt like a monster, he thought, and Severus seemed to understand that. Harry felt more awful for Severus now than ever. Harry knew exactly what Severus thought of himself and he hated it. Somehow Harry doubted his actions and even his comments today had helped the situation any…Maybe even making things worse.

"I will never condone such blatant disrespect again," Severus said quietly. "If I ever catch you using one of those spells outside of the battlefield, I will use every last one of them against you."

His words made Harry feel safe, loved. Something about that promise in his tone, that almost pleading sound…The way he looked at him. Severus didn't think he was a monster. He was not happy, but he didn't think as badly of him as Harry thought of himself. He didn't hate him.

"Even if it's self defense?" Harry asked quietly.

"Defense against the Dark Arts has never taught you to use Dark magic, has it?" Severus asked, eyebrow raised.

"Well, you should teach me a good defense then," Harry replied, reaching out to grasp Severus's robes, pulling him back closer, pleased when Severus hesitantly reached out to slide his arms around his waist.

"What have I been doing for nearly two years, Potter?" Severus growled.

"I dunno…Never paid much attention," Harry laughed shakily.

"Too distracted?" he purred, leaning in closer so that their lips were nearly touching and Harry's lips tingled with need to close that distance.

"Mhm," he muttered, licking his lips.

"Hmm…I shouldn't let you get off so easily," Severus muttered. "I planned on making you suffer for at least a week."

"Stop being so bloody stubborn," Harry said, leaning in, though Severus pulled back just enough to get away from the kiss, though not enough to break that torturous distance. "S'been too long."

It really had been. They had only just made up when everything started going wrong between McGonagall and Nott. They had barely gotten the chance to do much of anything other than snog for a few minutes. Harry had missed him terribly and wanted nothing more than to just be with him right now. He wanted to make some smooth comment about make up sex, but given his failure in the art of seduction…Well, it didn't have much to do with that, really, and instead a lot more to do with the close proximity to his lover and how that warm breath and the closeness of that body he loved melting his brain and making it harder and harder to think clear thoughts.

"So…Tell me about Miss Weasley's kiss," Severus murmured.

"Wonderful. Amazing, really," he replied quietly, half irritated with this game and half wanting to set Severus off again. "Best sn-"

And Severus's mouth was on his, hard and demanding and on the verge of painful. Harry grasped him tightly and kissed him back eagerly, pressing his hips eagerly against Severus. Harry heard and felt the words "impatient", "wanton", "incorrigible", "insatiable", "brat", "horny teenager", "idiotic boy", "desperate fool" and other things murmured against his mouth between kisses while Severus backed them up and turned as they reached his desk, pushing Harry against it. It wasn't the desk in his office, but Harry was too far gone to really pay attention to much, anyway. Severus's hand slid down and was palming his erection while he moved his mouth to lick and suck at Harry's neck while his free hand reached out and wandlessly, nonverbally summoned the lube from the dresser drawer.

Worshipping bodies, slow lovemaking, and other such romantic gestures could be saved for later. At the moment, both men were too desperate and had gone too long without their lover to wait any longer for what they wanted. Their hands scrambled to Harry's trousers at the same time, fighting over the button for a minute before Harry let go and let Severus have at it while Harry worked on clumsily unbuttoning the front of Severus's robes.

Hands roughly turned him around and tugged down his trousers. Cool, slick fingers pressed between his cheeks and one finger slid inside of him. Harry gasped at the sensation and eagerly pressed back against it. He knew it would hurt unless Severus prepared him, but part of him didn't care. He was too anxious to get to it to wait very long. He could hear Severus fumbling with his own pants with one hand, though he seemed to manage with greater ease than Harry might have been able to. Harry had barely been able to do undo Severus's robes by himself with two hands.

Severus's lips moved against his neck while one hand grasped his hip and his finger began sliding in and out of him, a second finger added more hastily than usual. There was a slight burning sensation, but nothing Harry cared much about. "Now," Harry gasped. "Please. Now. Can't…Please…I…" he said, though he didn't really know what he wanted to say exactly, only that he wanted this and wanted Severus so much. He was dizzy and completely lost in this haze of desire.

His plea wasn't met immediately, though Severus didn't wait too long. He didn't even bother with the third finger as usual and Harry was grateful when he finally felt Severus's cock push into him and Harry eagerly pushed back. It hurt a bit, but Harry didn't care…All of the burning and aching was fine because Harry was too eager to get to the good part he knew was to come. Slick fingers wrapped around his cock and stroked him firmly. Harry bucked back against him excitedly and Severus didn't bother teasing him like he usually did. Despite his many attempts to prove otherwise, Severus wanted and needed this just as much as Harry. Only his arm around Harry, holding him enough away from the desk to avoid painful hits as Severus's hips slammed into Harry's, proved that there was sobriety enough to take some precautions. Otherwise it was wild, frenzied fucking. Severus pushed deeply into Harry, hard and fast, panting heavily against Harry's neck and shoulder, kissing and licking and biting now and then. There wasn't much care for much else and Harry enjoyed it. He met every thrust of Severus's hips and moaned and begged and pleaded senselessly.

It was amazing…Driven by desire and need and desperation…Fuelled by lust and anger and jealousy and gratefulness and devotion.

It was amazing.

All too fast, Harry felt the familiar waves of pleasure crashing over him. He had eagerly wanted to cum as soon as possible, but now that he had he wished it had lasted longer. His body sagged against the desk and he held onto the edges tightly for support while Severus continued fucking him from behind, taking on force that shook Harry's whole body and even the desk he was holding onto. The panting and growling being emitted by Severus were almost animalistic by this point and if Harry hadn't already cum, he was sure the sound of it would have driven him over the edge.

Finally he felt Severus cum inside of him and instead of collapsing onto Harry, he grabbed him tightly and fell back into his chair, pulling Harry with him. His arms loosened a bit, but just enough for Harry to be comfortable. Harry relaxed back against him, feeling sated and he smiled lazily while Severus caught his breath before pressing a kiss to the back of his shoulder.

"I haven't completely forgiven you yet," Severus muttered in a convincing enough tone, though Harry just laughed.

"We have time to work on that," Harry grunted, twisting himself a bit so that he could kiss Severus slowly and deeply. Harry knew his transgression would not be so easily forgotten, but he also knew he still had his own issues with his lover that would not leave his head or his heart for some time. But Harry loved him and needed him too much. They would work it all out and could enjoy plenty more make up sex to work through their problems. Things weren't perfect, but there was promise that everything would turn out okay in the end.

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