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Amore et Amicitia	By : Kimmimaru Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male > Sirius/James Views: 6685 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 1
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any characters or settings by JK Rowling. I make no profit from this story.

Chapter List
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AN: Italics are memories. Please enjoy this chappy, and thank you for reading.

Chapter Fifty-Nine: Perditus (Lost)

“…Lily Potter was a well loved friend, mother and wife it is with regret and deep sadness that we now commit her body to the earth…”

“Mama…”

“Her heart was large, she loved with everything she was and she leaves behind many whose lives were brightened by her very existence…”

“Da-da…?”

“She leaves behind a son and a husband, we shall never forget her for the impact she had upon our lives. She was brave, her spirit strong and she will never be forgotten…may she rest in peace knowing how her sacrifice saved the life of her child.”

“Dada?!”

“James?”

“Mr. Potter?”

“Jamie?”

“James…”

“Dada?”

“Dada?”

“Mama?”

“James…come along now, we’ll get you something…”

“No…No I…I want…”

“It’s alright, James…”

“We’re here for you.”

“I’m so sorry for your loss, Mr. Potter.”

“Such a waste of life.”

“So sad.”

“Lily was…”

“Beautiful, so sad…she was so young.”

“James? Come on, snap out of it.”

“Dada?! Mama?”

“James, please, you have to eat!”

“No. Not hungry.”

“He’s not moved since yesterday…Albus, I’m worried…”

“It’s been three days, he has to eat something…he needs to get out and…and…Merlin, I don’t know what to do anymore.”

“Dada? Mama?”

“Harry…”

“Dada.”

“Harry…”

“James, for your son’s sake get up! Get up and do something! Stop this, you’re killing yourself!”

“Piss off.”

“James, please, I’m begging you.”

“Go away, Remus.”

“I-I…I want to help. Let me…”

“The poor girl. Alone in that house when that madman was after her.”

“I blame the father, where was he when his son was being attacked?”

“He survived it, you know? He survived the killing curse!”

“It’s a miracle. Destroyed by a mere baby!”

“He’s going to be powerful when he’s older, I swear he will. Poor child, losing his mother so young…”

“To Harry Potter; The Boy Who Lived!”

“What’s that noise?”

Remus turned his head, he stood at the window and gazed out at the street. James was lying curled up on the bed, Harry slept peacefully at his side with black hair falling away to reveal the scar that made him famous. “They’re celebrating still.” Remus replied in a soft, blank voice. He turned back to watch the stars flying upwards into the dark sky, it seemed to him to be a mockery. Wizards had been celebrating the downfall of Lord Voldemort since the news had first reached them, they ignored the laws and celebrated publically confounding the muggle’s who witnessed the impossible.

“Celebrating, huh?” James replied in a dark tone, Remus hated it.

“Yes.”

“Celebrating the death of my wife…that’s what they’re doing. Did they know? Do they understand that Harry will grow up without his mother?”

“I don’t know, James…I really don’t.” Remus whispered, his fingers tightening on the curtain. He heard James’ snort of humorless laughter.

“It’s all bullshit. Everyone with half a fucking brain will know that this isn’t the end…I-I…I know it’s not the end. I can feel him out there, waiting…biding his time…He’ll come back, Remus. He’ll come back stronger than ever…”

“Perhaps.” Remus closed his eyes and took a shuddery breath. “They said they would be releasing Sirius next week. Dumbledore managed to get him off on a charge of temporary insanity…”

James tensed and closed his eyes tightly, blocking out the comforting sight of his sleeping son. “Oh.” He said softly.

“He’ll…he’ll want to see you when he’s out.” Remus turned to see James curled into a tight ball, he sighed quietly and his eyes filled with sadness. “He loves you, James. You’re not alone.”

“No…Never alone. I have Harry.” James replied, his voice cold and hard as he pulled his son closer. “I live for him now.”

Remus’ eyes filled with agony but he never let it show on his face, he nodded. “I have to go, my father is…” His voice gave out slightly and he cleared his throat before continuing. “He’s in St. Mungo’s…Mother says he hasn’t got much longer.” James said nothing to this and Remus nodded to himself before letting his head fall forward and hair fall before his eyes. “I’ll be off now then, please look after yourself.”

XXX

“Dumbledore tried but Crouch is being stubborn, we’re not sure if we can get Sirius out before the year ends…I’m sorry James.” Remus lowered his head and tightened his fingers around the mug of tea.

“Well…what did we expect? They’re running scared now, there have been Death Eater attacks too frequently, the fear of Voldemort’s supporters is still too fresh in people’s minds. If they release him now they’ll have a riot on their hands.” James muttered in a dull voice, he stared into the roaring fire. “…Remus?”

“Yes?”

“Do you blame me?”

Remus closed his eyes. “No…No I don’t.”

“You should. You loved her too…it’s all my fault she’s dead. If I hadn’t have left, if I had stayed then perhaps I could have protected her…even died for her. I would have you know…”

“I know, James. I’ve never doubted that.”

“Then hate me.” James’ voice tightened and he lowered his head. “Hate me Remus…please…It won’t make any difference…I-I hate myself. I hate myself more every day.”

XXX

It was January and snowing. Sirius blinked up at the sky, he had barely been able to take his eyes off of it since he had first set foot outside Azkaban. It was the most exquisite thing he had ever seen, why had he not appreciated it more before? He stood in the train station and gazed around, Muggle’s wandered around talking loudly, their laughter, their faces, their warm bodies all made Sirius’ head swim. He ended up sitting down heavily on a bench, he was surely dreaming. He was still trapped in the freezing darkness and this was just some vivid dream of a time before…a time before something he could hardly remember. He had done something, something terrible but he could only see blood on his hands when he tried to think back on it. It all made him dizzy, the fresh air, the snow touching his face and bare hands, the fresh, crisp cold…not like the cold of Azkaban. This was cold of a friendly sort. He smiled weakly as he gazed up at the sky, dirty hair falling around his shoulders and shivered slightly.

“Sirius!”

Sirius heard his name and his head snapped up, he went still like a hunting animal before a face he remembered appeared through the crowd. He was on his feet before he had thought about it, he tripped and fell forward into familiar arms, his hands fisted in Remus’ hair and he brought their heads together roughly. “R-Remus…” He rasped and felt a strange, long forgotten bubbling sensation well up in his chest until it was choking him. He couldn’t prevent the tears from flowing down his cheeks, he held Remus close and his hands so tight on his clothes and hair that he was sure he was hurting him but he couldn’t release him. “Remus! Moony! Old friend!” He gasped, choking on his words as loneliness retreated and was replaced by elation.

“Yes, it’s me.” Remus whispered and held him back just as tightly, he could feel bones poking through Sirius’ skin and it had him concerned but they would deal with that in time. For now he was simply happy to have his best friend back, back where he belonged. “Merlin I missed you.”

“…Not as much as I missed you, Moons.” Sirius replied and pulled away reluctantly. He gazed into Remus’ eyes, they gazed back with that eternal gentleness and his heart swelled in his chest. “Where’s Jamie?” He watched the face fall, sadness tinted that smile and he felt dread fill his aching bones. “No…no tell me he isn’t…?”

“He’s alive, Sirius…though…sometimes I think it would be better for him if he wasn’t.”

“Fuck! What happened?!” Sirius hissed, his eyes glistening with a fire Remus had missed.

“Come on, I’ll explain on the way.”

XXX

Harry splashed happily in the water, his fat little baby hands making bubbles spray up into James’ face. He smiled adoringly down at him as he scooped water up and poured it over his head. “Your mother would be proud, Harry.” He whispered and watched those big green eyes gaze up at him.

“Mama?”

“Yes, your mummy.” There was a knock at the door then and James sighed, reluctantly he picked Harry up out of the bath and carried him down stairs. He could feel water soaking into his shirt but couldn’t find it in himself to care all that much. He pulled open the door and found himself face to face with Remus. “Oh…It’s you…” James said and turned away, he left the door open and walked back upstairs. Remus sighed and entered the house.

“James…?”

“I’m giving Harry a bath, help yourself to tea.” James said in that same empty tone.

“James!”

“I said I’m giving Harry a bath!” James snapped and turned on the stairs, he saw Remus stood in the hallway but someone was with him. It took a moment for his brain to register what he was seeing and when it finally did his knees almost gave way, he grabbed the banister with his free arm and gaped stupidly at the sight before him.

Sirius smiled and looked up at his best friend. “Long time no see, Potter.” He said.

“S-Sirius…!” James gasped feeling his heart melt as a familiar but tainted smile graced Sirius’ face. It had been just over a year since Sirius had been imprisoned, just over a year since Lily’s death and Harry’s wound. He felt all the pain, all the loneliness and misery lift from his shoulders at the sight of his lover and before he had thought about what he was doing he ran down the stairs and threw his free arm around Sirius. Sirius’ own arms lifted and he wrapped both James and Harry up tightly, the baby squirmed in the pressure of the embrace but Sirius couldn’t let go even if he had wanted to. His nights had been haunted by this moment, by the scents of James that flooded his brain. He had been haunted by the love he felt for his best friend, even in the darkness of his cell while he had wished and waited for death, he had never stopped loving him. He felt James’ shuddering sobs and hot tears staining the fabric of his clothes and he smiled, he buried his face in that beautifully messy hair and put his hand on Harry’s head.

“I missed you.” Sirius whispered softly. “Both of you…”

“Goggy…Goggy…uff uff…” Harry mumbled happily as he grabbed a handful of Sirius’ hair and stuck it in his mouth.

“Oh…ow…” Sirius winced and tried to free the thick strands from the tenacious child. “Harry…get off…Bloody git…”

“He likes you.” James said through a watery laugh, the sound sent pleasant shivers through Sirius’ body and Remus’ smile burned brightly, he hadn’t heard him laugh since Lily’s death. “Harry, let go.” The boy finally released his hair and began staring intently at Sirius, his green eyes wide and full of childish curiosity.

“Dada…” He said and smashed the flat of his palm into Sirius’ face. “Dada.”

“No, I’m your Godfather, you plonker.” Sirius said with a soft chuckle, it was a cracked noise as he hadn’t laughed in such a long time but he was beginning to remember how it was done. Slowly warmth filled him, his chest burned with happiness as he stared into the boys eyes. “You’ve grown up so much, little Harry. You look so much like your father except you have Lily’s eyes…”

“GOGGY!” Harry said loudly, his face falling into a determined little frown as he struggled desperately to try and reach Sirius. His hands grasped at thin air, he waved them and began to make little noises. “Goggy! Goggy! Googy! Dada! Goggy!”

“What on earth is wrong with him?” Sirius asked in surprise, James grinned brightly and dumped the naked child into Sirius’ arms.

“He wants his Doggy.” He said and let out a gust of sudden laughter.

Sirius held the boy gingerly; Harry settled down in his arms and blinked up at him. “GoggyDada.” He said and grinned, the smile sent warm tingles across Sirius’ skin and he felt his lips move…they widened as Harry grabbed his hand and began inspecting it closely, he turned it around and gripped the thumb tightly. “Juuuuice.” Harry said with a significant look at his father, James was beaming at the sight fondly. “Juice Dada…Juuuuice…”

“He’s so big now…” Sirius whispered as James reluctantly went to get his sons sucky cup. “Aren’t you Harry?”

Harry looked at him at the sound of his name, he reached up and pinched Sirius’ nose before laughing in delight. “Goggy.” He said and Sirius turned to look at Remus who was smiling fondly at the child.

“He’s very cute.” Remus said absently. “Although he runs James ragged, he likes to crawl up the stairs quite often and appears to have a fondness of heights.”

“Like his father.” Sirius said with a bright, happy grin. “Christ, Remus…Time’s a bastard, playing tricks on me like that…How long was I…well…you know…” His eyes darkened and Remus glanced away, he hated that look. He despised seeing that empty well of darkness within those silver eyes.

“A year now Sirius…”

Sirius gazed around the house, it was James’ parent’s old townhouse, obviously he had been reluctant to move back to Godric’s Hollow. He sighed shakily and shifted Harry in his arms and gazed at a photograph of James and Lily on the wall; they were dancing and laughing happily and Sirius felt grief well up within his heart. “She was a good woman.” He said quietly.

Remus followed his gaze and his eyes went dark as pain filled them. “She was.” He whispered. It was painful talking about it, he had not had time to grieve properly with his Father’s illness and subsequent death so soon afterwards. His mother had been distraught and was now slowly wasting away in a special ward in St. Mungo’s. He shivered and wrapped an arm around himself. “She was…perfect…” He said, his voice wavering until he felt an arm around him. Sirius held him close as he squeezed his eyes shut tightly trying to fight the tears, he had loved her. He had loved her more than anyone else in the whole world and now she was gone…she had been gone for a year. It was still surreal, he would wake up some days half convinced that he would go visit James and see her smile brightly at him.

“It’s alright Moony, she’s not really gone.” Sirius muttered, he kissed Remus gently on the forehead and smiled at him with his head cocked to one side. “She’ll always be in here…” He pressed his palm flat against Remus’ chest.

Remus stared at Sirius’ face for a long time before he felt a smile of his own cross his face. “I know.” He said firmly and the two friends turned back towards the living room, they walked down the hall and entered it. James came out of the kitchen holding a little plastic sucky cup in one hand and a towel in the other, he gently extracted Harry from Sirius’ arms and began drying him off before putting him in a little red all in one. Harry took the sucky cup and sat on the sofa drinking happily as he watched the adults with big green eyes. James handed Sirius some tea and watched him take it, he noticed a distinctive shake in his fingers but Sirius was smiling softly to himself. “So, what will you do now, Sirius?” James asked as he seated himself by Sirius’ side.

“They snapped my wand…” Sirius muttered, there was a distinctive twitch in his face as he spoke and he cleared his throat. “I need a new one.”

“Well yes but you’ll also need somewhere to live.” Remus said practically.

Sirius lifted his head and blinked at him. “I’m only half a person without my wand, Moony. Not a very good wizard without one…I need to be able to defend myself and you and James and little Harry. How can I do that without a wand? I can survive without everything else. I survived that place…” His voice trailed off and he shuddered, with a sharp breath that hissed through his teeth he opened his eyes again slowly.

“Alright but you know you can live with me.” James said absently as he dried Harry’ chin with a napkin. Harry promptly drooled some more and watched his father wipe his chin again, he grinned and giggled. “No Harry, not again-oh for Merlin’s sake!” He frowned irritably as more juice ran down Harry’s chin and he watched happily as he wiped it off for the third time. “You’re insufferable.” He muttered.

“You sure?” Sirius asked, his eyes wide as he watched James grabbing his son and putting him on his lap.

“Of course…I’d welcome the company.” James smiled weakly and bounced Harry on his knee. “And I could use some help with Prongslet here.”

Sirius grinned suddenly. “Excellent. That’s settled then, it’d save me from having to move back in with my mother…” He pulled a face. “Wonder how mad she’s gone? All on her own in that house…” His eyes drifted absently to the window.

“You say that as if you care, Sirius old chap.” James said and watched Sirius’ face darken, his eyes turned to him and a sneer crossed his face.

“Only wandering when she’ll die so I can sell that damned place. I might be out of their will but I am the last remaining male Black, once she’s dead I get everything.” His grin was positively evil. “I only wish I could see her face when I sign the documents at the Bank!” He laughed and sipped his tea. “Of course, then I could write my own will…I’ll leave everything to Harry, being his Godfather and everything.”

“But you’re not dying, Sirius.” James said softly as Harry found something very interesting on his jumper and began pulling it.

“No…but you can never be too careful, Jamie. I came bloody close in that place and I…I couldn’t stand it if it happened again.” He sighed heavily and his shoulders slumped, James and Remus exchanged a glance; neither of them were sure how to act around Sirius, it was as if the man who had gone to Azkaban had died and the prison had spit out someone else in his wasted body. “I’m hungry…” Sirius said slowly, his eyes brightening slightly as he gazed at James. “You got any food?”

“Help yourself…but don’t use the bloody oven, if you burn this place down I’ll kill you.” James growled and received a grin from Sirius in response.

“He’s twenty one and he looks like he’s an old man sometimes.” Remus said after a minute, he sipped at his tea and sighed heavily. “He’s…different.”

“He spent a year in Azkaban Moony, no one comes out of that unchanged. Give him time, he’ll come back to us.” James replied and smiled weakly. “He just needs to be reminded who he was before…before everything.”

Remus nodded. “Yes, I suppose you’re right…”

“We’ll heal him, together. You, me and Harry…We’ll build him back up and remind him of who he was.”
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Amore et Amicitia