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The Diaries of Hermione Granger and Severus Snape	By : LadyBonLon Category: Harry Potter > Het - Male/Female > Snape/Hermione Views: 7562 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, nor any of the characters from the books or movies. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 5
- 6
- 7
August 4, 2000

Men and their pissing contests are the most annoying
subjects on this planet; but, alas, I get far ahead of myself. Let me backtrack
a good bit�

After the incident with the Wizard�s photo, it became very
clear that I, too, had become an annoying obsession for my �prey.� As you know
from my earlier writings, I am in search of a man with good wits about him.
Please do not think that I would be opposed to a good shag here and there
either, but I need someone that I can mentally spar with AND keep me on my toes.
Luckily, Severus just keeps proving himself more and more.

By lunch of the same day, he had his response to my
striptease photo. It started off innocent enough. He gallantly took his seat by
mine and sneered in my direction. I, of course, immediately responded with an
overly sweet, �Hello again, Severus.�

He took to eating and I took to watching him out of the
corner of my eye.

About five minutes later, the doors to the Great Hall opened
and in walked a leprechaun.

The leprechaun strode directly to the Head Table and bowed
to us all. Seeing no outward reaction from Severus, I relaxed a little. Bad,
Bad, Idea�Once again, I am getting ahead of myself.

The leprechaun started with a �Top �O the Noon� and asked for a �Miss Hermione Granger.�

I muttered a quiet, �Oh Morgana the Sorceress help me now.�
under my breath.

Dumbledore was no help; he immediately chuckled and pointed
an accusing finger at me. Blasted Man, if he was not my superior, I would add
him to my list of annoyances. As it were, I had to sit and accept what was
coming next.

The leprechaun appreciatively bowed to Dumbledore and walked
to stand in front of me. He raised his top hat to me in greeting and introduced
himself as Larry the Leprechaun. He then informed me that he was a courier and
had a message for me.

At that, the lights in the Great Hall magically dimmed and a
spotlight fell on Larry. This was immediately followed by the sounds of �I Wanna
Sex You Up.�

As the pop tune strummed in the background, the leprechaun
began gyrating his hips and unbuttoning his crisp white shirt.

At this, feminine gasps could be heard from every corner of
the Head Table(s). McGonagall, Hooch, Sprout�all of them, wore shocked
expressions, but, I quickly surmised, were watching with intense interest.

The leprechaun continued his movements despite the flutter
of responses from the audience. By now, his shirt was completely undone and was
hanging open in what should have been a very sexy way. Somehow, a leprechaun
has a hard time pulling that look off; maybe that is why leprechauns are not
featured heavily in muggle movies, no matter, my visit to Hades continued.

He pulled the shirt off and threw it at Professor Hooch. The
blasted woman giggled like a school girl. I was getting no �girl power� from my
former women professors. Merlin�s Beard, one walking into the situation, would
have thought they had never received any attention from a man before.

The leprechaun was now humping the bloody floor in what
SHOULD have been an exciting manner; but once again, THIS IS A LEPRECHAUN.

He swayed his buttocks in my general direction and then
flipped his pants off with a great flourish. Have you ever seen a leprechaun in
a neon orange thong? Don�t.

Then, he turned around. Dear Merlin, the little man was hung
like a HORSE! He continued his hip swaying; but now, it was marked by the
bobbing of an appendage.

While still holding his pants, he moved around the table
(gyrating all the way with suggestive thrusts here therthere) and stopped
behind me. He wrapped the green pants around my neck and began shimming behind
me. And yes, I could feel the damned tallywacker.

By now, all the female professors were clapping their hands
in time with the music and cheering the small fellow on. Dumbledore and his
male cohorts were trying, unsuccessfully I might add, to hide their inelegant
sniggers.

I was brought from my festered epiphanies by the little
bastard pulling my chair out with me in it. He then proceeded to sit in my lap
and run his hands through my hair.

As if my indignation were not complete, the little prick did
a back flip from my lap and landed facing me on that once great and honorable
table. With one quick thrust to the left and a flick of his wrist, the orange
thong was no more. By Merlin�s mighty balls themselves � I�ve never seen such
a sight. And it was at this moment in my life I realized that I should never
again refer to any leprechaun as �little prick�.

The men�s sniggers were now at full throttle and the women
were beside themselves grappling for the leprechaun�s attention. But no, he was
there for me and me alone.

The leprechaun cleared his throat and began:

I know myself a girl, her name is Hermione.

And when I�m ever around her, I�m as happy as can be!

Being around Mione is like drinking the elixir of life.

So won�t you make me happy, and become by beautiful wife!

Love, Mr. Ronald S. Weasley

When he finished, he leaned in for a kiss, the Cheeky
Bastard; but I quickly turned my head and presented my cheek instead. He picked
up his pants and headed for the door.

My colleagues were wiping their eyes, some from romantic
tears and others from mad laughter.

I found myself waging an inner battle to not throw a scene
right there and then. My pragmatic side eventually won and I walked out of the
Hall with my head held high. However, not before �my prey� released a great
guffaw. It was quick and to the point, but was designed to assure that I knew
who had pulled that little stunt. As if Ron and I were ever romantically
involved, the very thought sent shivers of disgust down my erect back. Ugh!

Needless to say I was made quite the spectacle of and found
myself repeating a million times that Ron and I were not involved and that the
�incident� was a joke by a very deranged person.

Unfortunately, my incident was still all the rage at dinner later
on that evening and I had to sit there once again and endure it in a fa�ade of
pleasantness. Severus, of course, was enjoying himself immensely. The man had
the nerve to turn to me during dinner and ask if I had responded to Mr.
Weasley, by chance.

To make matters even worse, (I swear every time I think it
cannot get worse�I get bitten by the �Yes, it can� bug.) someone had sent a
note to Ron during the day and his response showed up right as Severus was
returning his attention to dinner. You guessed it, a blasted HOWLER.

In a booming, magnified voice, �Hermione Anne Granger it is
polite to let someone know when you are going to use them in a Practical Joke!
For Zeus� sake, Hermione, mylfrilfriend called me in tears after hearing about
my �Proposal� in Hogsmeade. And by the way, I have more taste than to use a fuckin�
bloody dancing leprechaun! Twelve dancing dwarfs maybe, but a leprechaun?! I
thought you knew I had better taste than that.�

At the last bit, Severus quietly snorted so that only I
would hear. Unfortunately, I was not the only one to hear as we all were about
to find out.
Everyone else at the table sat in stunned silence, until
Sirius screeched his chair back in a threatening manner and walked to stand
behind Severus.

�I don�t suppose you know anything about the singing and
dancing leprechaun, Greaseball?� He growled.

Severus stood up and turned to face Sirius. He responded to
him with a �Sit.�

I saw the fury flash in Sirius� eyes with the thinly veiled
dog reference.

�You bloody wanker how you dare insult Hermione or me. You
are nothbut but a crook-nosed, smarmy git that doesn�t know any better than to
hurt the people around him.�

At the �git� comment, Severus had pulled and pointed his
wand at Sirius.

I went to intervene, but Dumbledore beat me to it. He
stepped between the men and asked them both to return to their chambers for the
evening.

Argh! Remember what I said about men and their pissing
contests? Before Sirius left, he winked at me and rubbed my shou in in
reassurance. As if I need anyone to fight my battles for me, I had been able to
take care of myself for years; just ask Harry and Ron.

I would have gotten up and followed Severus out of the Hall,
but I had some plotting to do. So, instead, I headed to the library for some
light reading.

A/N: �I Wanna Sex You Up� was done by Color Me Badd. I don�t
own it in anyway�
- 5
- 6
- 7
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The Diaries of Hermione Granger and Severus Snape