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If Only To Feel...	By : Jadestonedreams Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male > Harry/Draco Views: 10451 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, nor any of the characters from the books or movies. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

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Title: If only to feel �6
Author: Jadestonedreams
Rating: NC17
Disclaimer: If they're in the book or movie it's hers; if not its mine..
Summary: Harry's a veela searching for his mate, will secrets being kept by Malfoy keep him from claiming his true love.
Warning: Slash, Mpreg, Het sex.
Spoilers: none

A/N: This was actually two chapters, but I decided to combine them together �This is going to be a long story�. That's how I write, so I hope you enjoy it.

To all my reviewers, I want to say thanks..

***

Friends and Enemies

Chapter 6

***

Harry had arrived at the home of Remus Lupin just as the older man was about to sit down to eat.

"Care to join me?" asked Remus heading into the kitchen.

"Sure" replied Harry following him and sitting down at the table as Lupin fixed a plate for him.

Swirling a small toothpick between his fingers Harry looked over at Remus as he stood in front of the oven.

"Did you know that Draco Malfoy was going to be spending the summer at Hogwarts?" asked Harry. "Dumbledore seems to think that since we seem to be getting along better lately, that we should call a truce."

"Do you think it's a good idea?" Remus asked looking over his shoulder at Harry.

Shrugging Harry looked up to see Remus placing a plate in front of him as he sat down.

"Draco's not being as big an arse like usual. He's even been pretty decent so far. To be honest I can't remember the last time he's even called �Mione a Mudblood or gotten into a fight with Ron at least nothing physical. He was pretty fun to hang out with yesterday."

"It's good to see everything is going well for you Harry," remarked Remus sitting down to the table and taking a bite of his buttered bread before handing Harry one�"Though are you sure about spending time with Mr. Malfoy. I can't recall you ever saying a decent word about him."

Popping another piece of meat in his mouth, Harry simply shrugged.

"It's just something I feel I need to do." replied Harry

"Why?"

Stopping in mid sip Harry pondered that for a moment. Why was he trying to befriend the annoying blonde that had made his life a living hell�well not exactly a living hell? That was Voldemort�s job after all. No, Draco only made it more interesting than before� and since when do I keep referring to him as Draco?

"I don't really know Remus. It just feels like things have changed between us lately. Malfoy isn't being nearly the annoying git that he once was; even Ron and Hermione have both noticed it."

"Well that is interesting. For your sake Harry I sincerely hope that you are right," sighed Remus leaning back in his chair.

"You told me once that you went to school with his father, Lucius. What was he like?"

Shaking his head sadly Remus tapped his spoon on the edge of the table before placing it down on the table.

"Nothing like you see now, Harry. The Lucius that you know is not the man I knew all those years ago. He and Severus used to be inseparable; they were good friends much like you and Ron."

Shaking his head for a moment Harry smiled slightly. It was extremely hard to picture either men doing anything like he and Ron did.

"From what I hear they still are. Though, Lucius Malfoy and Professor Snape, the two of them�like Ron, and me now that's hard to believe. Professor Snape doesn't seem to enjoy anything at all, except yelling at students and taking points from Gryffindor," laughed Harry.

"How does that muggle saying go... never judge a book by its cover?" Remus laughed. "No they were quite different back then. Things change though, and I guess so do people."

"If they changed for the worse, maybe Malfoy can change for the better?"

The hopefulness in Harry's voice caused Remus tile.ile.

"Perhaps, but enough about him and his horrid father, tell me more about what's going on with you?" asked Remus

It had seemed so simple before when he'd thought about it earlier. The thought or idea to talk to Remus and Sirius about his encounter with the girl up in the tower had been one of his main focuses of discussion during the visit. Now though it seemed as if the girl was the last thing he wanted to discuss.

"Harry?"

Sighing Harry looked over at the slim man across from him. Well it was now or never.

"I met someone yesterday, last night to be exact�

"A new friend I hope?" smiled Remus.

A slight blush tinged the edge of Harry's cheeks as he looked anywhere but at the man before him.

Gently rubbing the back of his neck Remus shook his head.

"This new friend has a name I suppose?" asked Remus

"Lilliannea�She�s supposed to be in Slytherin...but I haven't seen her since." replied Harry quickly.

Remus, who had merely frowned when the Slytherin house was mentioned, sat staring across the table and out the window.

"Remus?"

"You say she was in Slytherin?"

"Well she had on a Slytherin robe, so I just assumed�Snape says there is no one by that name in his house. I thought he might be lying, but why would he do that? Besides I was with the Headmaster when he told me?"

"Unfortunately Severus's actions are hard to interpret. But you are right, if Albus was there, he would not be lying. The only Lilliannea I have ever known of beenbeen dead for years and as far as I know is definitely not a ghost haunting the school. Besides she was a grown woman, a grandmother even."

"Who was she?" asked Harry

"She was the mother of a very good friend of mine in school ...Narcissa � Lilliannea was Draco's grandmother� I have to say Harry, if there is anything of his grandmother in him, then perhaps there is hope for Mr. Malfoy yet."

"I didn't know you and Narcissa were friends," remarked Harry taking another spoonful of food.

"Oh yes, despite what you may believe Harry, Narcissa was a very lovely girl in school. She was smart, intelligent, beautiful, and had a great heart. It was only after Draco had been born that she became the woman you see now, cold and distant."

"I don't understand"

"Neither do I Harry, although I guess its unimportant now. After all there's nothing that can be done about it anyway."

"I suppose." whispered Harry...

****************

It had started almost immediately after Harry had left the library. The urge to get up and follow the dark haired Gryffindor had been almost staggering to Draco. The strong scent of vanilla was surrounding him, making him lightheaded.

The sudden shaking of the small table where he sat making him jump up and grab the few books he had, before running out of the library.

'Thanks goodness, Potter left before that happened. How the hell would I have explained that to him,� thought Draco walking down the halls of the school. He's missed lunch while staying in the library. Food though had been the last thing on his mind, after Harry had left.

Now though he was famished, for some strange he was hungrier than normal. Smiling as he headed towards the kitchen, to try and get some food out of the house elves. Draco nearly stumbled as he ran right into Professor Snape.

"Sorry, I didn't see you there," said Draco quickly.

"So I gathered, Draco," stated Snape dusting off his robe. "And where might you be headed, that you can get so easily distracted from what's going on around you?"

The answering growl of Draco's stomach caused him to smile.

"I missed lunch, so I thought maybe I could see about getting a snack from the kitchen."

"Perhaps you'd like to join me then. I'm just heading back to my chambers for something to eat. I too missed lunch today; besides, I�d like to hear more about this truce between you and Potter."

"Sure, why not." Draco muttered. This day was getting worse and worse.

Stepping inside the chambers of Professor Snape's rooms a few moments later, Draco smiled. The warmth of the room's decorations was in deep contrast to believed image of the man who stayed there. Draco had often wred red if his godfather ever had anyone here besides just the two of them.

"So, Draco, the Headmaster tells me that you and Mr. Potter are trying to call a truce between the two of you." Snape quickly walked around the room to sit down at his chair.

"Yes." Draco replied, sitting down and staring across at the large fireplace across the room from him. "We've both grown tired of the fighting; it just doesn't seem worth it anymore."

Feeling his eyelids start to droop as he watched the flames of the fire leap up and down before him. Draco closed his eyes for a moment. He felt so tired suddenly, as he leaned back against the couch.

"Are you alright Draco?" asked Snape frowning.

"I'm fine, just a little tired, I didn't get much sleep last night." replied Draco quickly.

It would have been great to talk to his godfather about the events of the previous evening, but then Draco knew he'd have to tell him everything. If his godfather knew the truth, he'd never be able to go through with his plans after the Golden Boy would leave.

Worse of all, he'd probably go and tell Lucius everything. The sheer look of anger on his father's face at his only heir's attempt at suicide would pale in comparison if he were to discover the feelings his son carried for his enemy. No, Draco could not and would not tell his secret to anyone.

"I talked with your father earlier today. He was very disappointed you wante sta stay at the school over the summer," stated Professor Snape.

"I explained to him why I wanted to stay here, besides I'm sure he has plenty to keep him occupied. You know father, always busy."

"Draco, I know Lucius was looking forward to spending time with you," replied Snape. "He didn't go into detail about it, but I got the impression that he wanted to discuss something very important with you."

Getting up off the couch Draco began pacing the room.

"I have a pretty good idea of what it is my father wishes to discuss. For once I just wasn't in the mood to talk about my future with everything that's going on..."

Raising an eyebrow Snape watched the young as he stopped abruptly as the house elves appeared with a large tray of food. Suddenly realizing how hungry he actually was, Draco paused only a moment before seeming to stuff his face.

"You shouldn't eat so much so quickly Draco. You'll make yourself sick." Snape was appalled at the Slytherins seemingly total abandonment of manners as he gulped down the last of his bowl of cold soups straight from the bowl.

"I'm sorry; I don't know what's wrong with me. I just felt famished for some reason."

Waving his wand to clear the table Snape once again frowned at his favorite pupil.

"I suggest you go and get some rest Draco. I suppose we can discuss your so called friendship with Mr. Potter when you're more up to it," snorted Snape.

Nodding Draco stood to leave. "I appreciate that, but there really is nothing to discuss."

"I know how much you and Potter have detested each other the past few years. I can't help but wonder what might have brought about this sudden change?" Snape asked.

"What are you saying Severus?" asked Draco

"I'm just saying, be careful," stated Professor Snape after a long pause.

Opening his mouth to say somethingco qco quickly shut it as another wave of dizziness passed him.

"Draco?"

"I think I'm going to go and lay down, for awhile. I must be more tired than I thought.

"I'll talk with you later. Severus." muttered Draco stumbling out the door

***

It was nearly late evening by the time Harry parted company with Remus. The time had been very pleasant for him. He wished that his Godfather Sirius could have joined them though.

Unfortunately he'd been detained for a meeting, and couldn't make it. Nonetheless, talking with the professor had been enlightening. It really didn't surprise him that Snape and Lucius were friends in school. Everyone knew that Draco was Professor Snape's favorite student. 'Funny' he mused; usually thinking about Draco filled him with a sense of dread somehow. Now he simply felt calm and peaceful.

For some reason, he couldn't seem to get the blonde out of his mind. Even when he was talking to Remus earlier about the girl from the tower, it somehow got turned back towards his association with Draco. Of course it didn't really help when Remus had calmly asked him if he'd been smart enough to use any form of protection. The yelling that had ensued afterwards would have made Sirius Black proud. Indeed at that moment Harry had been most grateful that his Godfather was not there. If Remus was that scary he shivered at the thought of what Sirius would have done.

After the yelling had finished a bit of awkward silence had filled the house, neither wizard really knew what to say. Remus of course broke the silence by starting to laugh, telling Harry that he never thought he'd be to one scolding him on his sex life. Harry simply smiled and soon began telling the older man about the young girl again.

Remus had assured him that from the sound of it, he'd done nothing wrong. Perhaps when or if the girl wished to talk to him then she would. Until then he suggested that he let things happen like they would. More than likely searching the girl out might cause more trouble than it was worth.

Part of him still wished that he could find her again; although why he wanted to see her again he did not know.

Frowning Harry looked towards the tower. He really should have been thinking about the girl more. He'd asked a few of the students who were staying over from the other houses about her, but so far, no one seemed to know whom he was talking about.

The feeling that it was important for him to find out about this girl kept nagging at the back of his mind.

"Harry"

Stopping suddenly Harry found himself looking into the smiling face of his friend Hagrid.

"Hello Hagrid." Harry beamed.

"Been wondering when I'd see you, Dumbledore told me you were spending sometime here before heading off to be with your friends. You must be happy about not having to go back to those dreadful relatives of yours."

"More than you can imagine Hagrid. Are you coming to my birthday party at Ron�s?"

"Of course Harry, wouldn't miss it for the world," beamed the large burly man.

"Go

"Why don't you come by tomorrow for tea Harry...? I can show you the new pet I bought last week while I was in Hogsmeade." As Hagrid starting to move past Harry he continued, "She's a real beauty this one."

Licking his lips nervously, Harry smiled; Hagrid was known for his, well, rather unusual pets, many which unfortunately had to be taken by Dumbledore.

Glancing back up at the brightness in the overly large yet beaming face of his truly very first friend, Harryw hew he just couldn't turn the man down.

"Sure Hagrid, I'll be there." Harry waved at Hagrid as he left.

*******

Twisting his sheets around him tightly later that evening, Draco breathed in the sweet cool air. To him though, the air seemed hot on his body and was becoming increasingly more so as he lay there. The covers having now been twisted down to his waist, as the thin T-shirt twisted slightly above it exposing a smooth patch of skin. Sleep had evaded him yet again after only a few hours. The images that had awaked him once again left very little doubt in his mind that the night was not going to go well.

Staring up at the high ceiling above him, thoughts were running rampant through his mind ever since he'd left Snape's chambers. Images of Harry invaded his mind over and over again, as did the sudden memory of the taste of the other boy's lips against his own. The feel of Harry's warm rough hands sending heated shivers through Draco's body as they roamed over his form. Those same hands had unknowingly staked a claim that the young Slytherin had been more than willing to give.

"But he didn't claim me!" muttered Draco twisting over in his bed and burying his face in the soft pillow as the sound of Harry's voice calling out Lilliannea's name rang throughout his mind. His body seemed to have other plans as his breathing increased heavily as the need once again took over.

The urge to seek out the dark haired Gryffindor and relieve this growing need within him had become increasingly hard to fight as the evening had progressed. Picking up the small vial that lay next to the water pitcher on his night stand, Draco stared for a moment at the dark liquid.

The Dreamless Sleep as Professor Snape called it. This was exactly what he needed. Sleep and not to be reminded even in treamream world that he'd never be with the Golden Boy.

The liquid seemed sweet as it slid down his throat a moment later. The quick thought that it wasn't that bad was suddenly dashed as the young blonde suddenly found himself running through the doors of the bathroom, the contents oe vie vile leaving his body.

"Great," groaned Draco running his hands tiredly through his hair a moment later.

Crawling his way back into the bed and pulling the covers up over him, Draco sighed in frustration. He was so tired. If he were lucky maybe he's die right here.

"Lucky" whispered Draco finally dozing off.

******

Sitting down to breakfast the next morning, Harry scanned the room once again, frowning as his noticed the empty chairs of the Slytherin table. ad wad wanted to talk once again to Draco, but it seemed as if the annoying blonde was nowhere to be seen. Harry tried to ignore the twinge of worry that crept into his mind.

"Wonder where he is?" muttered Harry biting into a rather large piece of bacon.

Looking up at the sound of a few more students entering the dining room, Harry smiled with relief as he watched Draco head over to his own table. The smile fading into a frown as he noticed the tired look in the slimmer boys� eyes as he seemingly tried to stifle a yawn.

Draco looked as if he hadn't slept at all that night.

Tapping his fingers on the table as he continued to watch the other boy, Harry seemed unaware of his own food. Just as before, Draco seemed to pile his plate high with everything around him. Making the raven-haired boy believe there was no possible place for the slim blonde to store every bit in his body. Just as before Harry was wrong.

***

The feeling that someone was watching him had started the moment he'd left the common room and headed for breakfast. The tingling feeling on the back of his neck as he walked along the empty halls of the school was doing nothing to ease the tiredness he felt at every step.

'Damn Potter for keeping me up most of the night' thought Draco as the sudden vision of soft unruly dark hair and emerald green eyes flashed before him.

Draco took another bite of his bacon as he looked around at the breakfast patrons. Nothing seemed to help his sleeping the night before, having only slept for a few minutes at a time. It was a good thing that there was very little for him to do while he was here. The few classes he'd opted to take over the summer weren't scheduled for early in the day, so at least he didn't have to worry about them for now. Not that he'd planned on worrying about them at all, if his plans had gone like they were supposed to. Perhaps he'd be able to get some rest before he was to help Professor Snape this afternoon. It was after all one of the requirements for staying here. He had to take a few lessons over the summer. Not that he really needed it mind you, but it was the excuse he'd given his father, so now he had no choice, at least not until Harry was gone.

The little voice in his head was telling him that he could have just told them the truth, but it was pushed severely aside as he felt the eyes of someone watching him yet again.

Looking around at the few students and teachers that were there, Draco was nonplussed to find anythingng. ng. Professors Snape and Dumbledore seemed too deep in conversation at the teachers� table, and for a moment Draco couldn't help but wonder what the two men actually talked about. Even though he would never admit it, Draco knew the dark haired potions master held great respect for silvery bearded old fool. He didn't always agree with the decisions the headmaster made, but he did respect him.

Letting his gaze flow over the few students that remained behind, Draco noted the two faces of Korin Patterson, a sixth year, Ravenclaw and Seamus Finnigan talking quietly together. Neither one of them really paying that much attention to whatever it was they were eating as Finnigan suddenly turnver ver his pumpkin juice by accidentally knocking it over with his hands.

Looking away, Draco shook his head at the grumbling student.

His gaze finally landing on the one area he had been avoiding, Draco found himself looking once again at the dark haired beauty that roamed through his dreams.

Turning away as the dark-haired boy lifted his head to look towards him. Draco sighed and pushed his plate away before getting up and exiting the great hall.

******

"Malfoy, wait up!"

Draco stopped in his tracks as he turned around. His heart pounding as he watched the raven-haired boy jog up to him as he nearly reached the library entrance.

Taking a step forward, Draco quickly stopped himself as he felt a wisp of a smile start to come over his face at the site of Harry.

"What do you want Potter?"

"Harry."

"What?"

"Harry. Since we're burying the hatchet don�t you think we should start calling each other by our first names?" Harry asked as he shrugged his shoulder.

"Actually, no Potter, I don't think that would be a good idea." Draco stated as he turned back around and headed for the library again.

"So what does that mean, your willing to stop fighting with me, but you�re not willing to call me by my name� What�s the point in that?" asked Harry.

Draco opened his mouth to respond, but shut it quickly. He knew he was being irrational, really, why didn't he want to call Potter by his first name. Harry seemed to find it so easy to switch.

"Draco?"

The sound of his own name coming of the tongue of the raven-haired boy sent shivers through the blonde Slytherin. This was why, of course, he realized immediately. His body seemed to have a mind of its own when it came to the green eyed Gryffindor in front of him. Just the sound of Harry's voice calling him by his name sent vibrations through him.

"Do, I really have to have a reason, Potter?" sneered Draco pushing the doors open and heading straight into the library leaving Harry standing outside.

***

"Stupid git" muttered Harry walking back to the Gryffindor common room.

"Harry?"

Looking over Harry noticed for the first time Neville Longbottom sitting up in the couch, a few large books and papers scattered around him.

Harry smiled as he went over and sat next to the brown-haired boy. Like Harry, Neville had changed over the last few summ He' He'd grown more slender and no longer held that plumpness about him. His once short hair now hung lightly just above his shoulder. His smaller frame made him appear looking lighter than he actually was.

Taking a good look at the books Harry shook his head smiling.

"I can't believe your studying potions Neville, its summer!" Harry exclaimed, plopping down on the couch.

"You know what it's like for me in potions class, Harry," replied Neville looking down at the book again. "I'm barely passing the class as is."

"Is that why you�re here instead of home" Asked Harry.

"No, my family's doing some work over in Italy for the next few weeks and couldn't take me with them. Sucks I know, but Dumbledore said I could stay here. Besides, as soon as they're done I'll be leaving to join them."

"Great Neville! But why are you studying these books during the summer?"

Shaking his head in exasperation, Neville stared at the raven-haired boy for a moment.

"Isn't it obvious Harry, I need all the help I can get for the potions class. Every time, Professor Snape gets anywhere near me in cldisadisaster happens. I've nearly blown up the entire classroom six times this year"

Sliding his fingers through his dark curly hair and leaning back against the sofa, Neville sighed.

"You could ask Hermione for help studying for potions," suggested Harry. "She's pretty good at it you know."

"Uhmm thanks Harry." Neville replied, getting up from his seat and gathering his books. "I would love to ask Hermione for help, but�"

"What?" asked Harry at the other boy's reluctance to say what he'd been thinking?

"Nothing Harry, really, it's just that. Well, I know she's one of your best friends and all, but when it comes to school, she�s well rather��scary��you know."

Throwing his head back against the couch Harry laughed at the brown-haired boys� response.

"You're not going to tell her I said that are you Harry?" asked Neville quickly.

"Course not" replied Harry through snickers.

"Thanks Harry." replied Neville "I'm going to go and see if the library will let me check out a few more books.

Smiling, he headed back to his room once more.

Tbc�
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If Only To Feel...