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By the Light of the Moon	By : chrmisha Category: Harry Potter > Het - Male/Female Views: 1963 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, nor any of the characters from the books or movies. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

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By the Light of the Moon: Chapter 6

He�d woken once in the night to find her warm, soft body draped across his chest, her head cradled in the indent between his shoulder and his chest. He squeezed her gently with the arm that had been wrapped around her; she responded in her sleep by nuzzling closer to him, her leg creeping dangerously close to territory he wasn�t ready to explore with her yet. He took a deep breath and relaxed, inhaling her sweet scent. He wondered how on earth he�d been blessed with such a kind and caring woman. A woman that accepted him for what he was. Before any doubts could surface, he surrendered to the sleep that was clouding his consciousness, wiling her warmth and steady breathing to take him under to a place where he didn�t have to think. He didn�t have to remember. He could just be. Where thoughts of worthiness and the future didn�t exist.

He awoke alone the next morning, her warm presence absent from between the sheets. He hadn�t thought much about it before, but he found he much preferred waking with her next to him. He listened, his wolf senses more attuned than the average human. He could hear her breathing. She must be in the next room. But there was something odd; her breathing was not soft and steady like usual, it was shorter and choked. As if she were�

�Amera, what�s wrong?� he asked from the doorway, making his way to where she sat on the couch cradling a box.

She wiped the tears from her face and looked out the window as Remus sat down beside her and pulled her into his arms. To his relief, she didn�t resist.

�Not enough time.� Her sobs choked off any more words she might have said.

He closed his eyes and inhaled her scent, rocking her ever so slightly.

When she regained her composure, she went on. �You know, I was always different, but I never knew why. I could talk to animals. No one else could. When I was invited to the US School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, it seemed to make sense. But soon I discovered this talent wasn�t common among witches and wizards either. And no one in my family was ever a witch or wizard, so where did I come from? And I didn�t look like anyone else in my family either. My mother had blond hair, stick straight, and green eyes. My father�s hair was light brown and straight too and he had blue eyes. All my siblings were fair haired with light eyes. And then there was me. Dark, torturously curly hair, dark eyes. I never knew. Not until my mother was on her death bed did she tell me that my father, my real father, was some man from England by the name of Black. That�s all she could remember. Not even a first name. She wouldn�t tell me anymore. Or maybe she couldn�t tell me anymore. Maybe he�d obliviated her memory.�

�You probably don�t remember me, but I had a class with you, at Hogwarts. And Sirius too. I came to study there for a semester as an exchange student. We had Herbology together. I was really shy back then. I had short hair and glasses and braces too.�

He tried to remember the foreign exchange student that had grown into such a beautiful and self-assured woman. He thought he could conjure up a vague image of her as a teenager, but he wasn�t sure if what he was seeing was real or just a figment of his imagination.

�When I found out about this Black man who was my father, I sent Dumbledore an owl requesting to meet with him. By then I�d grown up. I wasn�t a gangly thirteen year old anymore. I told him of my plight and he took one look at me and said, �I know who your father is. I can see it in your eyes. Do you remember a student by the name of Sirius Black? He would be your half-brother. �

�Well, I wasn�t sure I was ready to meet this supposed father who hadn�t even bothered to acknowledge my existence. But the thought that I had a brother, who was a wizard, who was related to me by blood was intriguing. I wasn�t sure he�d accept me. After all, his father had been two-timing his mother, while she was pregnant with him no less. Still, I thought I should try.�

She shifted in his arms and looked up at him. �Dumbledore told him about me. I don�t know how he took the news when he first found out, but he sent me an owl saying he�d be willing to meet me. He was generous and kind, and didn�t hold my heritage against me. Turns out we had a lot in common.� She paused, �I met him for the first time about a month before the Potters were killed.�

He could see the deep sadness in her eyes and knew that it was reflected his own. He pulled her close so she wouldn�t see the tears welling up in his eyes. To his relief, she settled against his chest and continued.

�When everything happened, I couldn�t believe that he was the traitor, that he�d killed all those people��my brother.� He heard as well as felt the breath catch in her throat, as if remembering the pain that revelation caused her. �I went to visit him in Azkaban. It was a dreadful place. The Dementors gave me the creeps. But I had to know. The first time I went, he was sitting on the floor in his tiny cell, staring up at the window. I tried talking to him, but he didn�t respond. He was reduced, somehow, to an animal-like existence. In that sense, I could feel him more than if he was a man. He felt empty, desolate, alone. I�d never seen him like that. He�d always been the fun-loving, life of the party guy with a heart five miles wide, although you�d have to know him to see it.�

Remus laughed to himself. She�d pegged Sirius right.

�The next time I came back he happened to be in canine form. I�d never seen him in Animagis form before, although he�d told me he could become one. I was startled by his sheer size, but he was a beautiful animal. I called him over to me, and stroked his soft fur. When I looked into his eyes, I knew he was innocent. He didn�t kill all those people. Animals don�t lie, you see. Animals don�t lie��

Remus held her tighter as her voice trailed off, tears flowing down her cheeks. He inhaled the sweet scent of her hair, lost in this solitary moment with her.

�There wasn�t anything I could do. He hadn�t even had a trial. I told Dumbledore, and I think he believed me, but we had no evidence. I moved to England then, convinced I could find a way to free him. Convinced I could unearth the evidence needed. But I never could. I visited him often in Azkaban. It was the best I could offer him. You know, he never spoke to me in all those years. Not in human form anyway. It became a habit when I�d arrive, if he wasn�t already in canine form, he�d transform. We could communicate on a much simpler level then. We didn�t need words. We could just sit together, on opposite sides of the bars. Me stroking his fur and giving him some comfort, him giving me reassurance that he�d make it through that hell he was in. Somehow, someway.�

His breath was no longer steady and even. It matched hers. Short, shallow, choked. He swallowed back the tears, the wretched feelings of guilt and loss constricting his heart. Oh, Sirius. And I believed you were guilty. I never came to see you. I thought you�d abandoned me, but I abandoned you as well.

�When he escaped, Dumbledore contacted me. Did I know anything? Honestly, I didn�t. I was worried sick about him. Although, if I had, I�m not sure I would have told Dumbledore. I knew Sirius was innocent. I wasn�t sure what Dumbledore believed. I found out later that Sirius hadn�t contacted me because he didn�t want to endanger my safety. I received one owl from him that year, telling me he was �on a mission� and that he hoped I was well and to thank me for my support over the past twelve years and that he�d come and see me as soon as he could.�

�The next time I saw him was after the incident at Hogwarts. He owled me to meet him at Hogsmeade. I visited him often there, brought him food and medicine. And we talked. In human form. That�s when he told me about you. He wanted to reclaim his relationship with you, human and otherwise, but he didn�t know how to reach you. He didn�t know how to convince you of how sorry he was for suspecting you. He was desperate for your acceptance. He�d have done anything for you Remus. Anything. In case you ever doubted that he loved you, I�m here to tell you he did. More than anything.�

He felt her soft fingers brush the warm tears from his cheeks.

�You forgave him Remus. He told me so. But you never forgave yourself, did you?� She stroked his hair, as he shook his head. It occurred to him remotely that he should be the one comforting her, not the other way around.

�Towards the end, he started getting nervous. I�m not sure why. He never spelled it out for me. I saw less of him, but he still sent owls. In one of those owls, he made me promise to look after you if anything ever happened to him. He said if anything ever happened to the three of us��you, Harry, and myself��he didn�t think he could go on. He wouldn�t want to live. He was worried you might have the same reaction if he died. If you lost everything, again. He said you knew that he cared about you, but that you had a tendency to think no one else did.�

Damn Sirius for knowing me so well, Remus thought to himself.

In a whisper, she added. �You never knew about me and how much I cared about you. Even though I�d never met you.�

His mind reeled at this information. How could Sirius�s letters make her care about him? A werewolf no less. �What are you talking about Amera?� His voice sounded strangled.

�One of the times I went to visit Sirius at Azkaban happened to be during a full moon. I didn�t know it at the time. I figured it out later. He was at the back of his cell, in canine form. He was staring up at the moon, whining. I called him over to me, and stroked his soft fur. When I looked into his eyes, I felt what he was feeling. He longed for his packmate. I had no idea who his packmate was back then but I could sense it was canine. And I could sense that somewhere, his packmate was out there, feeling lost without him as well. I�ve always been able to feel a shadow of the feelings of the animals I communicate with, but this was different. Somehow, his needs, his wants, became entangled with my own. I thought maybe it was because we were related by blood, that somehow I was feeling him a lot stronger than regular animals. Or maybe it was because he was an Animagis, so not only was I feeling the animal, but I was feeling the man, and his human needs crossed with my human needs. I longed for his packmate, Remus. Without even knowing who you were, I longed for you too. Sirius created a bond between us, or perhaps between the wolf and I. He left the rest up to us in human form.�

He struggled to comprehend this new information; that somehow, someway, he and Amera were bonded. Perhaps that was why the wolf trusted her.

�And I almost lost you, before I even got the chance to know you.� Tears spilled forth again from her eyes. �I don�t want to be alone either, Remus. I know you�ve been thinking about leaving. I can see it in your eyes. You�re afraid of me. I�m afraid too, I�m afraid of losing you.�

He startled at her revelation. Without admitting it to himself prior to this, he knew she was right. He was afraid. Afraid to let himself get so involved with anyone. He�d lost too much. James, Sirius, Peter, his family, his friends; everyone he�d ever loved, everyone who�d ever loved him. He couldn�t do it again. He couldn�t let someone get so close. It was too painful. He pushed away the thoughts and tried to remember how this conversation began.

�What did you mean when you said �not enough time�?� he whispered.

�Not enough time,� she sniffled, �not enough time with Sirius. I loved him like a brother, like you did. He left us, by no choice of his own. Still, it hurts like hell. And I miss him terribly. I miss his silly antics, his loud laugh, his ready smile...� Remus nodded as her voice trailed off.

�Not enough time, with you, Remus. You�re leaving too. Maybe you�ve already left. But you�re leaving by choice, or by fear, not by death. And that�s even harder.� Her breath caught in her throat. �Not enough time to get you to fall in love with me like I�ve fallen for you.�

He thought his heart would stop at her words. You what? In love? With me?

�Amera��

A pang of guilt traveled through him as he watched her cringe at the way he said her name. She pushed away from him then, and fled to the bathroom. He stared at the closed door, confused. Everything was happening too quickly. He hadn�t had time to think about how he felt about her, and he never expected her to feel anything but pity for him and perhaps a sense of obligation to Sirius.

He felt her presence in the doorway as he finished packing his bags. �I need some time to think,� he said, without looking up.

�You�re running away.�

�It�s what I do best,� he said absently before realizing it was true.

�I�m not sorry for saving your life, Remus. I may be sorry for a lot of things, but I�ll never be sorry for that.�

His heart ached when he looked up at her. She stood leaning against the doorframe, her arms crossed over her chest, her red and swollen eyes. She�d confessed her deepest feelings to him and he was leaving her.

�Will you promise me something?�

�That depends. I don�t make promises I can�t keep.�

�Just promise me you won�t hurt yourself.�

His body went rigid at her words. He hadn�t thought about committing suicide since he�d come to his senses. Yet she still doubted his sanity. That wasn�t good. Maybe she sensed he was still unstable. She was probably right. Her body had begun to quiver as the tears pulsed down her face.

In two steps he�d closed the distance between them, wrapping his arms around her, and burying his head in her luxurious hair. �Amera,� he whispered into her ear, �I promise I won�t intentionally hurt myself.�

�What about the wolf?� her voice trembled.

�What about the wolf?�

�He hates being alone. He hasn�t been alone since Sirius died. He trusts me, Remus. You don�t have to be alone, either of you.�

Remus pulled back to object to her statement, but her eyes stopped him cold. Her eyes weren�t looking at him, they were beckoning the wolf. In that instant, he felt the wolf surge inside of him. He felt himself being pushed aside. That was a damn strange feeling to have when he wasn�t on top of the full moon. She was communicating with the wolf in a way that was too elemental for his brain to understand or to interfere with. He could feel the wolf�s possessiveness, the wolf wanted his packmate. His packmate? When had she become his packmate?

It took all of his strength to force his way back to the forefront of his mind. He backed away from her then, watching her guardedly as he grabbed his bag and headed for the door. He didn�t like being controlled; not by the wolf and not by a woman. He fled from her apartment not knowing where he was going, but knowing he had to get away from her; she was dangerous.

***

She sat on her bed, her tears all but dried up. When he�d regained control, the anger and fear she�d seen in the wolf�s eyes during the full moon had emanated from the man. His fists were clenched. A prickle of fear had run through her body. He was angry; angry at her, angry at life. Still, she�d been able to connect with the animal part of him. She understood animals. Their feelings were much less complex than humans. They were ruled by their needs: hunger, thirst, mating, territory, excretion. It was simple, really. But there was no hint of the wolf in his eye�s after he�d regained control; just man, pure and angry and wild nonetheless. Truth be told, the man scared her more than the wolf.

She shrugged her shoulders; she might have scared Remus away, but she had gotten through to the wolf. She only hoped it would be enough. She wouldn�t chase the man, she wouldn�t corner him. She�d give him time to think. She knew his fears. She knew because the wolf didn�t hide them away like the man did. The wolf had the same fears��the fear of being alone, the fear of losing his packmate. Fear could drive one away, but fear could also bring one back.
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By the Light of the Moon