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Deathsong Balladeer	By : TheLadyFeylene Category: Harry Potter > General > General Views: 3018 -:- Recommendations : 1 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, nor any of the characters from the books or movies. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 5
- 6
- 7
Disclaimer: Severus, Harry, Draco and Lucius are not mine. Neither are any other HP characters that pop up in here. I'm just borrowing them and seeing how much I can put them through before the revolt and mutiny against me.

WARNING: SLASH! Of the NC-17 variety. Teacher/Student relationship. Wow! No torture. No major pain or darkness, not anymore then the usual. But it is slash. And hints of incest and rape.

Dedication: To Kitten and Moira of course. And Moira, dear...threatening to tie me to your desk and beat me is an incentive *not* to write! ;-)

Author's Note: More Harry point of view! I'm getting a bit more comfortable writing from his viewpoint. Why...what'is? is? the *whole* story from Harry's point of view? I must have gone mad...Oh, and for those of you who absolutely *must* know what the tea kettle incident mentioned in part five is, send me a private e-mail and I'll tell you.

Desperation's Mark

Care of Magical Creatures. Harry wasn't paying all that much attention to what Hagrid was saying. Something about dragons, or ogres, maybe. He was lost in his own thoughts, as he so often found himself. //Nothing is the way it should be, is it?// He asked himself, sighing softly. //But that's the way it is.//
"You okay Harry?" Ron whispered, nudging his friend with his elbow.
"Oh, fine." Harry answered. //They can never know. They wouldn't understand it. Any of it. They'd want something to be done. There's nothing that can be done. Maybe, a long time ago, things were different. But now there's nothing. I feel like I should be more upset about it, but I can't be. I try. I really try. But it's...it's funny. It's just sort of cold.//
"You've seemed awfully quiet lately, Harry." Hermione was bright. He'd have to work very hard to keep things from her.
"And you haven't been sleeping in the dorm..." Ron added. Harry sighed, blinking hard against blurriness that threatened his vision.
"I told you guys...Dumbledore's giving me all sorts of extra training this year. We have to do it at night, and by the time I'm done I'm too tired to come back here. I just crash wherever I am." It hurt, having to lie to his friends. But what could he tell them. //Well, you see guys, in the past few nights I've been tortured with a magical device, beaten within an inch of my life, raped...oh, and by the way, I lost my virginity to our Potions professor. I think I might be falling in love with him, and I spend the night with him, that's why I don't sleep in the dorm. Oh, that'd go over real well.//
"It's horribly unfair." Hermione said. "You're still only sixteen...you shouldn't have to do all of this."
"I have to, 'Mione." Harry said, softly. "And it's not that bad." //Not all of it. It could be worse. And now....now I *know*. You can't fight something you don't know.//
"You're not sleeping well, and you look awful."
"Thanks Ron." Harry said dryly, shaking his head. "That really helps boost my confidence."
"It's true Harry!" Hermione burst out. "We're really worried about you. You've hardly said two words to us. You stare off into space like you're dazed for hours, and you haven't been eating well."
"I'm just tired." Harry said, shrugging. "It'll pass. I just need to get used to this new schedule, that's all."
"Oh, precious Potter working too hard?"
Harry tensed at the whining drawl, but forced himself to relax. //Don't bait him. Just ignore him.//
"Shove off Malfoy!" Ron hissed, and Harry laid a hand on his friend's arm, shaking his head.
"Make me, Weasley. If I remember correctly, you were the one with the broken nose yesterday..."
"I'll break more than just your nose..." Ron shook Harry's hand off, and pulled back his arm.
"Ron, don't." Harry said, really not wanting to be in this sort of position. "Just leave it."
"No! Why are you sticking up for Malfoy?"
"I'm not sticking up for him." Harry said quickly. "I just don't want you getting in trouble. You caught hell from McGonagall, and your mum's not going to be too happy when she gets that owl."
"Touching." Draco drawled, crossing his arms. Crabbe and Goyle flanked him, like two mobile boulders. //He looks like his father.// Harry thought. //Same eyes, same hair...he's thinner though. Smaller. Fragile.// Fragile had never been a word Harry used to describe Draco Malfoy. But looking at him now, Harry could see it.
"Just walk away, Draco." Harry said, quietly.
"Gone soft, Potter, have you?" The pale haired boy tossed his head, arms crossed over his thin chest. //He's just a scared little boy, somewhere in there. He's lashing out at everyone else because he can't lash out at his father...well, he could, but that would probably be a really bad idea.//
"Not in the least." Harry gave a sharp little laugh. //Soft? No. Never soft.// "Not in the least, Draco. I just don't want any problems, okay? And I really don't think you do either."
"Don't tell me what I want, Potter. I could snap you in two, if I wanted."
"I don't want to do this Draco, now now, not here." Harry took a deep breath, determined not to let Draco get to him.
//He can't hurt you. Not anymore. Maybe before he would have been able to, but not now. I wonder if he knows, if his father told him. He thinks I don't remember it. He thinks Severus used a memory charm on me. Maybe Draco does know...either way, if he keeps this up you're going to say something. You'll get upset, and you'll say something about him, or his father, or you, and then the shit will really hit the fan. So just stay calm, and don't think about anything. Don't think about how much he looks like his dad, or the way a knife feels when it's being dragged down your spine, or the way jagged iron...//
"You boys aint' fighting, are yeh?"
They all turned to see the bushy, bearded face of Hagrid peering down at them.
"No." Harry said. "Just discussing the lesson, that's all." He knew no one was going to dispute him. There was a few moments of downcast glares and shuffling of feet, before the Slytherins turned their backs and stalked off.
"Such a little prick..." Ron muttered.
"Just leave him alone." Harry said. "He's not worth it. There's worse people in the world then Draco Malfoy."
"You know Harry, maybe you should take a break from all of this training." Hermione said, laying a gentle hand on Harry's arm.
"I can't. You know that. Voldemort's risen again, and I'm going to have to fight. I have to be able to. I'll be fine. Like I said, it's not that bad. Come on....we have to get working."
***
Harry ran a hand through his tousled black hair, raking it out of his eyes. He was tired and sore. They had spent Care of Magical Creatures chasing after Hagrid's latest lesson, and after the past few nights, Harry was nearly dead on his feet. He had picked at his dinner, and worked slowly through his homework. It was getting late, and he took a shower, changed into a dark green sweater and a pair of jeans, and slipped out of the dorm. He had stopped using his cloak, he was just going straight down to the dungeons, to Snape's rooms.
//He'll probably send you away tonight. He almost did, last night...// Harry frowned, adding quietly through the dark and silent halls of the castle. He didn't want to be sent away. He had grown to need Snape. Only he understood. He had been there, through everyt. He. He had *seen* it.
//He's been hurt, too. Probably worse then me. He told me about his first time...it had to have been Lucius. What would make a person so....sick?// Harry didn't even bother knocking when he reached Snape's rooms. He only knocked if the locking spells were in place, and it had seemed Snape was leaving them down more and more often. //I can understand Draco acting the way he does. He's really not bad at all, not anymore. But what if he ends up just like his father? Maybe that's how Lucius started. Maybe his father did that sort of stuff to him, so he thinks it's right.// All in all, they weren't pleasant thoughts.
//He didn't lock the door.// Harry though absently, pushing open the thick slab of mahogany. It didn't creak anymore, but swung open smoothly on well oiled hinges. The now familiar smell of herbs and fire met Harry's nose as he slipped inside, curling his feet on the smooth stone floor. He felt comfortable here, and safe. Which surprised him, considering this was where it had happened.
//He would have helped you, if he could have. You saw his eyes....it *hurt* him. He did what he could.// A small voice in the back of his mind spoke up, though, bitter and angry. //He could have done more! He could have stopped that...that monster. He's strong enough!// But they were empty and hollow accusations, that would never be voiced. What was done was done, and truly the outcome could have been no different.
//Just don't think about it. Get it out of your mind...// He shuddered, wrapping his arms tightly around himself, and closed the door quietly behind him. He let his eyes sweep the room, wandering from the high black wood cabinet, to the large dark bureau, the four poster bed, the fireplace, the chairs...and finally resting on the brooding figure sitting in the high backed winged chair before the fire.
//He's more good looking than people give him credit for.// Harry had come to that conclusion a few days prior, but he took time to study the Potions master, caught in a moment of silence. He was bent forward slightly, raven dark hair falling to mask part of his face, shadowing eyes the color of midnight and features that befitted a Roman statue...pale, sharp and highly cut. He was lean, long black garments draping a body that was long and trim but hinted at a wiry strength beneath.
//Does he know I'm here? Of course he does...he knew the minute I walinsiinside. Why's he just sitting there? Does he hope I'll go away, if he doesn't do anything?// Harry didn't say anything, but padded quietly over the floor to where Snape sat, eyes half closed against the glow of the flames. He paused, eyes searching the older man's face for any hint of anything. But there was nothing. Snape's eyes flicked to him for a moment, running over Harry's form in a cursory manner, before returning to the flames. His arms were resting on either armrest, and Harry sank down to his knees before him, laying his head in Snape's lap.
"Back again?" Snape sighed, a hand resting on Harry's head.
"I said I would be." The fire was warm, and Snape's hand in his hair was comforting. //This is nice.//
"I know you do not wish to speak of this...liaison, but it is not something that can be ignored forever."
Harry closed his eyes, pressing his body firmly against Snape's legs. The hearthrug was soft under his legs, and the thick fabric of the Potion master's robes was soft on his cheek. //No, I don't want to talk about this. We shouldn't talk about it. *I* don't care about the age difference or the fact that you're my teacher, why should you?//
"I know." Was what Harry said. "But I can ignore it right now." He tilted his head upwards, eyes meeting Snape's.
"And you will ignore tomorrow night, and the next, and the next. And that is not how it can be."
"No,t'st's not how you think it should be." Harry said, simply. "But I didn't think my life should be the way it is now, and you don't hear me complaining."
"Harry..." The tiredness and pleading in that one word made Harry wince, but he drew back, rocking back on his heels and taking Snape's hands in his own.
"I don't have anyone else." Harry said, his eyes locking on Snape's, fixing on glittering blackness. "Nobody knows...about anything. I can't tell anyone, even if I wanted to. I don't think I'd be strong enough to say it. I can't even think it, really. But I don't have to tell you, because you already know. So don't push me away, just because of your obsession to abide by every rule ever written. There's nothing *wrong* with this. Let yourself be happy, Sev...."
"Damn you, Harry." Was the quiet response, but he squeezed Harry's hands tightly. //He won't send me away tonight.// Rising, Harry slid easily into Snape's lap, his legs straddling the Potion master's waist. He needed to be close to him, to feel him. He needed that fresh in his mind, and not...the other. "This cannot last, you know that though."
"I don't know anything." Harry said, his hands snaking up to wrap around Snape's neck. //Why does he have to be like this? Why can't he just be happy? He's gone through enough, I think, that he needs to be happy now. It's no wonder no one's ever loved him...he doesn't let them.//
"You are sixteen years old Harry. Do you even know how old I am?"
"Thirty seven." Harry said promptly.
"Hmmm. Yes. That is more then twenty years your senior. I am, in fact, older then your father would be, were he still alive. I am your teacher. Dumbledore would have my hide, if he knew what we were up to." The voice of reason was not a voice Harry wanted to hear right now.
"I'm sure he has a good idea." Harry said, getting rather tired of the discussion. //I didn't come here to argue. I came here because I feel better here, and I want to be with him...why can't he just let me?//
"I highly doubt..."
Harry didn't care what Snape had to say. He needed to get the feel and taste of Lucius Malfoy out of him. He had been very good, letting the older man say his piece. Now it was his turn. He leaned forward, eyes still locked on Snape's, and pressed his lips against his Potion master's in a tender kiss. He shuddered, inhaling the fresh scent of rain and herbs that made up Snape's own smell. His lips were soft and warm, but unmoving beneath Harry's. That didn't stop him, in fact it only encouraged him. His tongue slid out, licking at Snape's lower lip, running it along the slick smoothness. He blocked everything out of his mind but the feel of those warm lips under his own, every nerve in his body honing in on that one point.
"You cannot possibly want to..." Snape mumbled, the movement of his mouth as he spoke sending shivers down Harry's spine.
"I do." Harry said. //Please don't make me explain...if I have to explain, I'll start thinking about it. I don't want to think about it...// To make sure there were no questions, he slid his tongue between the partition of Snape's lips, battering at the barrier of teeth behind. His hands tightened around the older man's neck, pulling himself tightly against the slim chest. Snape grudgingly parted his lips, allowing Harry's tongue to enter his mouth completely. He relished the warm wetness, tracing every line of Snape's mouth, stroking his palate and coaxing his tongue to join in.
//He tastes like brandy.// Harry though giddily, closing his eyes as he felt Snape's hands caressing his back lightly. Somehow, he knew every single point to touch that felt incredible. He kneaded Harry's spine, fingers probing at the vertebrae, causing shivers to up up and down his back.
"Mmm." Harry moaned into Snape's mouth, taking his lower lip between his teeth and tugging gently. He caressed, stroked and fondled the slick bit of flesh he held between his teeth, paying homage to it with his tongue. The hands on his back sped up, running along his side and hips, kneading and probing deftly. Harry pulled his lips away from Snape's, burying his face in his shoulder. He shuddered, as the Potion master's hands slid up under his sweater, playing over bare flesh.
Harry tensed, suddenly. Memories and images came flooding back to him, and he cried out involuntarily. The cold bite of steel on his back, digging into him, that feeling of being torn apart...Snape's hands went still, and Harry took a deep breath to calm his fast beating heart. //It's okay. It's okay. You're with Severus, and he's not going to hurt you. He tried to, and he couldn't.//
"I think perhaps we should wait." Snape said softly, his hand stroking Harry's hair.
"No!" Harry snapped, pressing his lips fervently to Snape's neck, sucking at the tender skin. //I can't wait...that'll only make it worse...// His hands tugged at the silver buckles of heavy robes, tearing them away from smooth white flesh, his mouth latching on to each newly exposed bit of skin. He licked Snape's neck, dragging his tongue from earlobe down to the hollow of his throat, and back up. He could feel the rapid flutter of a heartbeat under his tongue, and he fixed his lips over that pulse, as though he were trying to devour it.
"Harry..."
He didn't know if it was an admonishment or an encouragement, but he ground his hips against Snape's, trying desperately to rouse the older man's interest. But this time, there was no stroking, no show of excitement of any sort. Drawing back, Harry turned pleading eyes to Snape's.
"Please...."
"It is too soon, Harry." Snape said, eyes dark and concerned. That touched Harry, and he swallowed hard. //He's probably right...I have this, though. Maybe this was enough. And he said it's too soon....that we should wait. He wants this...he wants me.//
"Maybe you're right." Harry said, quietly. He rested his head on Snape's shoulder, keeping fresh in his mind the feel of his lips and skin.
"I know what you are going through." The dark haired man continued, stroking the back of Harry's head gently. "It will pass, with time. You are young and strong, and will go on. But it will not go in a moment, or be pushed away with a single pleasant experience. Best you realize that now."
"What about Draco?" Harry heard himself asking. That was one thing he could not get out of his mind, no matter how hard he tried. 'Draco doesn't scream anymore'. What did he have to go through, and how many times? //I'd die....I wouldn't be able to go on, if it were like that. I couldn't live through that again and again and again...and my own father...he doesn't even scream.// Harry shuddered, blinking back tears that threatened to overtake him.
"What about him?" Snape's voice had turned cold and clipped, but Harry pressed on.
"Will he be okay? Or will he be...like that?"
"I do not know." A sigh, soft and full of regret. "I honestly do not know. But regardless, it is none of your concern. I would advise you not to treat young Mr. Malfoy any differently than before. He seems to be rather...sensitive about the issue."
"I can't." Harry said. "I can't be mean to him anymore...I won't say anything, but I can't treat him like I used to."
"You insist upon being difficult, don't you." Snape shook his head, tone exasperated. "You cannot grant even the simplest requests. Fine. Do as you will. You've never listened to me in the past, you're not about to start now. Even though everything I tell you is for your own good."
"S'kay." Harry mumbled. He was tired. The long day was catching up with him.
"You need rest." Snape said. "Come. To bed. I must catch up on work, but I will not be long behind you." Harry nodded, sliding lazily off of Snape's lap. He stretched, pushing thoughts of Draco and his father out of his mind. He let Snape lead him to the bed, where he took off his glasses and stripped slowly down to his boxers before sliding into the warm bed.
"G'night, Sev." he mumbled, as the covers were drawn up to his chin. He smiled, choking back another sob. He had never been tucked in before, and he pressed his cheek against Severus' hand as the Potions master tucked the cover's snuggboutbout him.
"Goodnight Harry." He leaned down, and Harry closed his eyes as warm lips were pressed fleetingly to his forehead, and long fingers brushed back an errant lock of hair. Again, a feeling of safeness. Odd, that a man who had once inspired such fear and loathing in him now made him feel safe and content. How had it happened? He turned on his side, nestling himself deeper into the bed. //This might not last forever...but I hope it lasts long enough.//
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Deathsong Balladeer