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Mystery Hogwarts Theater	By : Selena Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male > Harry/Snape Views: 6469 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, nor any of the characters from the books or movies. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 5
- 6
MHT 1.6

Notes: Sorry about that long ass delay, but my mind was elsewhere�but I�m back! Prepare to be horrified�Bwahahaha. And yes, once again, this is an actual fic. Don�t ask me what happened to the caps lock key on this story�it was like stuck I guess.

And my Remus has been strongly influenced by Cho Hakkai of Saiyuki fame. (Awesome anime by the way) Hakkai is kind of dark, kind of twisted, and kind of sarcastic. He�s got a shameful past and yet he�s always got this smile plastered on his face. He�s scary, yet wonderful. That aside, on we go.

============================

Chapter Six

In which Death is Temporary

============================

They waited with baited breath, fearing the inevitable return of their captor and his twisted sense of humor. Soon they�d be subjugated to the worst torture possible, a fate they had, in all honesty, never predicted for themselves, a punishment they had never imagined. Trapped together, in this home, and forced into horrible acts.

�Potter.�

It was a horrifying experience in all honesty. Lesser mortals may have snapped like twigs under the pressure, but they were strong and managed to hold on for the sake of the world.

�Potter!�
�.
�What?!� Harry threw down his book in frustration and glared at Draco hotly. He�d been trying to escape the total joke his life had abruptly become with a book but every time he picked it up someone started making a fuss. �What in the bloody hell do you want?�
Draco blinked at him. �We�re deciding who�s rooming with who. The Weasel only had keys to three rooms and Snape is against Finnigan and Thomas rooming together, so we�re drawing names from a hat. Personally I don�t care; I�m just glad to not be spending another night on that cold floor.�
He had a point.
�oh.� Harry said softly, feeling the heat rising to his cheeks. Maybe he�d over-reacted just a tad.
Draco arched an eyebrow loftily. �So you survived the war, but can�t take the stress of some bad fiction? Maybe you need a vacation. Or prozac.�
�Sod off.�
Draco just shook his head then walked back over to the other four, who were crowded around a table and pointedly not speaking to each other. Harry plodded after him, wondering who�d he pissed off to be forced to suffer through this freak show.
Oh wait�he knew who he�d pissed off.
Dean Thomas, by far the most patient Gryffindor to ever grace the earth, not that the title was hard to gain since Gryffindor�s weren�t known for their limitless patience, but also with a wicked sense of humor. Seamus Finnigan who was just the world�s hugest pervert. Ron Weasley, the faithful sidekick with a temper that made most people very wary. Draco Malfoy, an all around miserable asshole and official bastard.
And professor Snape who was�well, he was Snape. What more could you say while doing the man justice? He was just Snape.
And of course there was Harry.
It was a total freak show.
Snape glanced at him sideways then gestured towards the bowl on the table. �Draw a name Mr. Potter.� Harry did as told and unfolded the slip of paper, hoping for Ron.
No such luck. He sighed. Someone clearly hated him.
�Snape.�
�You�ll find you could have done much worse Mr. Potter.� As he spoke Snape looked at Seamus pointedly and Harry found he was inclined to agree. Seamus was the poster child for ADHD, to put it mildly. Really, Dean was the only one who could handle him�maybe splitting them up was a bad idea.
Ron was laughing as he reached into the bowl. Then stopped abruptly and went very pale. It was very clear he hadn�t gotten Seamus or Dean. Professor Snape actually smiled, though it was a small cold smile.
�Guess that means its me and you Seamus.� Dean said cheerfully, clapping the Irish boy on the back. Seamus smiled at that.
Professor Snape just shook his head. Harry supposed it was because the drawing of names had achieved exactly what he hadn�t wanted to happen: Seamus and Dean sharing a room.
Before anything else could be said the screen appeared and they all turned to see what Voldemort had cooked up in that sorry excuse for a mind of his.

Voldemort�s Lair�
Voldemort was clad in a pair of Dora the Explorer Pajamas and was holding a blue teddy bear, which, considering his reptilian exterior was pretty fucking disturbing.

The House�
Harry sighed and shook his head. How in the hell had Voldemort managed to catch them�well, how he�d managed to catch Seamus and Dean wasn�t a huge mystery. Even catching Ron couldn�t have been a huge problem, but getting not only him, but Malfoy and Snape as well�
There were supposed to be the side of Lights greatest wizards and a crazy old coot had captured them. It was humiliating.
�Before you retire, I�ve got a little bedtime surprise for you.� The man�s lips curved. There was a great flash of light, then an oomph. When the light faded Harry turned to see Professor Snape on the floor with two men on top of him.
Harry�s mouth dropped open. �Sirius?!�
Sirius blinked and looked around, then down. Professor Snape was staring at him, eyes narrowed in a way that would strike fear into even giants, and he jumped up, pulling Remus with him. (Not that Sirius was frightened, of course. It was simply that he had no interest in being on top of Snape of all people and he certainly didn�t want Remus on top of them.) Snape pushed himself up then dusted off his robes with an air of dignity most wouldn�t be able to maintain after such an incident.
�Isn�t he that guy who killed all those people?� Seamus asked softly, only to be meet with four very dangerous glares. He swallowed and stepped behind Dean.
�And, of course a little bedtime tale.�
�Sirius?� This time Harry was muttering to himself, looking deeply confused. �What the hell?�
Sirius shrugged and scratched his head. �You know, not that I�m complaining, but I could have sworn I was dead.�
�You were.� Remus picked at an imaginary piece of lint on his robes. He looked rather calm considering his lover had suddenly come back from the dead. Then again Remus was used to really weird shit. He�d learned to take everything as it came to him.
�Ah. Well then.�
Snape put a hand over his eyes. �Someone clearly hates me very very much.� Sirius� eyebrow quirked and, almost as if he could see the man, Snape sneered. �Other than you Black.�
�I see you�re pleased Severus.� Voldemort said, clapping childishly. Sirius and Remus turned, eyeing the screen with something between horror and�well, horror.
�I�m dead because of this guy? You�re kidding me.�
�After all,� Voldemort continued undaunted by Sirius� comment. �I brought them just for you. Now that you�ve found the liquor cabinet it�s only right you have someone your own age to share with.�
Snape just blinked then rubbed the bridge of his nose. �Right. It�s you that hates me. I forgot for a moment, what with all of the random moments of insanity and childish behavior that you aren�t actually just a whacked out old coot to be pointed at and mocked.�
There was a long moment of silence. Then a loud sniffle before Voldemort fled from screen. All eyes turned to Snape who just growled. Everyone (even Sirius) took a step back.
The screen went off and, while Harry glanced around the room warily, considering the new occupants, the yellow light began to flash again. The six walked towards the theater, all looking strangely resigned to their fate, at least for the time being, while the two newcomers stood, looking deeply confused.
A moment passed then Harry came back and took them by the arms and led them towards the theater.

[They sit down, this time in this order: Ron, Remus, Dean, Seamus, Sirius, Harry, Snape, and Draco. Ron slumps low in his seat and is barely visible before the story even begins to roll.]

***DiScLaImEr: ALL CHARACTERS BELONG TO J.K ROWLING AND BLOOMSBURY BOOKS
Draco: Why are they yelling?

Snape: Thank the Gods. I�d hate to belong to any of these piss poor excuses for writers.

Ron: Hey�did anyone hear that?

Dean: What, the fourth wall cracking yet again?

Ron: Yeah�

Dean: Nope.

***"DRACO!"
Seamus: {As Draco} Why the hell are you shouting, I�m right here!

Draco: [Winces and covers his ears] What�s with the yelling? That�s not sexy, it�s painful.

Remus: *Mildly* Depends on what the person is yelling.

[Everyone goes silent and crickets chirp. Harry looks at Sirius who is pointedly staring straight ahead. Remus chuckles nervously.]

Remus: Oh my. Was that out loud?

Harry: Ugh. It�s like thinking about my parents having sex. Only�worse.

***HERMIONE MOANED AS DRACO THRUSTED INTO HER.
Draco: [Makes a very unmanly noise] Why me?

Sirius: *Beat* What? Harry�

Harry: Oh right. This is hell. That is our eternal punishment. We, having upset Voldemort, are forced to read horrendous stories about ourselves until we go mad. If you ask Snape nicely he may give you something to numb the ensuing pain.

Snape: *Sneers*

Dean: Is thrusted a word? And who moans in all caps?

Snape: Of course not. Thrust would be the proper tense all on it�s own. As for the other question�
***THEY WERE UP IN THE SLYTHERIN DORMETRIES.
Snape: Which, oddly enough, are down in dungeons. But I digress.

Seamus: How did Hermione get into the Slytherin dorms anyway?

Remus: I think it�d be right to assume Draco let her in.

Draco: But I hate her.

Remus: Well, yes, there is that.
***EVERYONE HAD LEFT FOR HOGSMEADE.
Snape: And left the two of them there for no good reason? Doubtful.

Ron: Yeah, Harry and I would never leave Hermione alone and God knows Draco never goes anywhere without his idiot bodyguards.

Draco: You say that like I ask them to follow me around. Do you have any idea what I�d give to not have to resort to my potions master for intelligent conversation?

Sirius: You consider Snape intelligent conversation?

Remus: *Mildly* I take it you didn�t spend much time spying on the Slytherins last you were at Hogwarts.

***HE WAS GETTING FASTER AND FASTER.HERMIONE HELPLESSLY GASPED AS SHE WAS BEING FRANTICALLY FUCKED.
Dean: And we�re back to rapist Draco.

Draco: *grunts*

[Sirius puts his hands over Harry�s eyes. The teen doesn�t try to resist.]

Remus: Ah�I think there should be a space in there.

Ron: Of all the things wrong with that it�s the space that gets you?

Remus: Well the word order is terrible and I�m not sure what�s so frantic about it.

Seamus: He�s afraid she�ll come to her senses any moment?

Remus: Perhaps�

***"UHHHHHHHHHHHH!FASTER, OHHHHHHHHHH, FUCK ME!" HERMIONE SCREAMED AS DRACO'S HOT SPUNK CAME INSIDE HER THROBBING PUSSY.

Seamus: Obligatorily Cat Reference.

Dean: Hopefully there were cats harmed in the making of this story.

Draco: Hot spunk�throbbing pussy. Wow. That�s arousing.

Harry: No it isn�t.

Draco: Amusing?

Harry: No.

Draco: Sickening and childish?

Harry: �yes.

Seamus: How did your spunk come?

Dean: Multiple orgasms?

Seamus: In a guy?

Dean: *Shrugs* No stranger than Harry�s foot long cock.

Harry: I�m going to kill you!

Remus: I think it�s time for someone to lecture on safe sex. Or at least anti-pregnancy spells�

Snape: What and ruin the �erotic� air of the story with something foolish like a condom. Surely you jest.

***THEY LAID THERE BREATHING HEAVILY,
Ron: Having run a race around the school grounds.

***"THAT, MR.MALFOY, WAS FUCKING AWESOME"

Dean: *As Draco* Eh. I�ve had better.

Seamus: *As Hermione* Me too, just trying to make small talk.

Remus: We should have a moment for all of the commas and spaces that gave their lives due to incorrect usage in this story.

[Silence]

Sirius: Mr. Malfoy? Is he a teacher or something?

***HERMIONE SAID WITH A SEXY SMILE AND LOWERED HERSELF

Seamus: Sexy�deranged. Same difference.

Ron: Only in these stories.

Draco: Onto a dagger, ending her life and this tragedy of a story.

Snape: Only to have you pull the dagger out and plunge it into your heart out of grief of losing your one true love, in spite of not being out of Hogwarts yet.

Harry: Thus ending the story for real.
***ONTO THE ALREDY-ROBED-DRACO.

Seamus: What�s �alredy�? And what does it have to do with Malfoy�s robes.

Dean: Already. Which begs the question how is he already back in his robes if they were just laying there afterwards? I mean, what happened to basking in the after glow?

Ron: You sound like one of my mother�s trash novels.

Draco: Spend a lot of time reading those do you Weasel?

Ron: Go bugger yourself.

Snape: If that was possible I doubt this story would exist.

***SHE TOOK OFF HIS SHIRT
Remus: What happened to his robe?

Harry: [Pulls Sirius� hand away then deadpans] It was probably magically shredded.

Remus: Wouldn�t that hurt?

Harry: You�d think.
***AND RUBBED HER WET PUSSY DOWN HIS CHEST

Draco: �why? Is that sexy? Fun? Stimulating?

Snape: Just disgusting, considering your previous activities.

***AND STOPPED AT THE FLIES ON HIS TROUSERS.

Harry: You have bugs on your trousers?

Draco: *Shrugs* Apparently.
***SHE FUMBLED WITH THE ZIP.

Dean: So you had sex through your pants. That takes skill right there. You deserve an award or something.

Draco: [Sighs and stands. Sweeps into a low bow] Thank you, thank you. I would like to thank the academy and-

Snape: Sit down Mr. Malfoy.

Remus: You have to admit it�s a fascinating occurrence.

Snape: Maybe you�re just easily amused.

***DRACO SIGHED HEAVILY AS HERMIONE PUSED HIS RED HOT DICK BACK INTO HER.
[Draco makes a noise that may have been a gag before vanishing from sight. Ron giggles (yes giggles) before coughing in an attempt to hide it.)

Dean: Red hot and pus� Sounds nasty.

Seamus: For both of them. How can she touch that?

Sirius: You know I think they have medication for that sort of thing.

Snape: I�m sure you�re the expert on it.

Sirius: Still mad you couldn�t get any in school aren�t you?

Snape: *Sneer* Hardly.

***THE DOOR FLUNG OPEN.

Ron: It flung open all on it�s own? Freaky.

Harry: Maybe it means this is almost over.

Dean: Or else it means someone is joining them.

Harry: Ugh. Not a mental image I need, thanks.

***"DRACO, IT WAS GREAT AT HOGSMEADE, THAT POTTIE ATE A TRUTH TOFFE

Ron: Sounds like something the twins invented.

Harry: Like hell! I wouldn�t dare touch anything the twins offered me. Not after what happened to Dudley.

Ron: *Snickers* Yeah, that was bloody fantastic wasn�t it?

Harry: *Wistfully* Yeah

Remus: Yet another brave comma giving it�s life.

Dean: You don�t really call him �Pottie� do you?

Draco: [From wherever he is] Not since third year.
***AND STARTED POURING OUT HIS FANTASIES ABOUT

Dean: Draco!

Ron: Dumbledore!

Seamus: The Squid!

Harry: You are all so dead�
***...................................................GRANGER?"

IF YA WANT MORE REVIEW ME!

LUV LICKITTOM

Remus: Somehow I doubt that�s the name their mother gave them.

Sirius: I doubt their parents are willing to claim them, so it hardly matters.

Remus: True.

Harry: Does this mean if we�re really quite it�ll just go away?

Snape: Your youthful optimism never ceases to amaze me Mr. Potter.

Harry: *Shrugs* A guy can dream.

***�GRANGER!" CRIED CRABBE.

Seamus: In the throes of exquisite passion.

Dean: So I was right?

Draco: *Gags again*

***"NOW, LOOK CRABBE THIS ISN'T WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE!"

Remus: You know that only works in situations where things can be, reasonably, left open to interpretation, not when the hand is in the proverbial cookie jar.

Sirius: Hand in the cookie jar�I haven�t heard that one before.

Remus: Kindly remove your mind from the gutter Padfoot.

Snape: Would that he could.

***HERMIONE THOUGHT

Harry: Bullshit.
*** IT ONLY POLITE TO REMOVE DRACO FROM HERSELF AND GET DRESSED.

Seamus: *As Hermione* Pardon my manners Mr. Crabbe, I really should have asked if you comfortable before stripping down and shagging Malfoy. Shame on me.

Snape: I think this is far past the realms of possible politeness. [Takes a drink from his flask.]

***"GRANGER!" REPEATED CRABBE HORRIFIED. EVER SINCE DRACO HAD STARTED SCHOOL AT HOGWARTS HE HAD HATED HERMIONE'S GUTS.

Draco: It�s really not that personal. I hate all Muggle-borns, not just her. It�s really more of a general feeling.

Harry: �Is that a good thing?

Draco: I don�t know�

***"YES, THAT'S MY NAME, WELL DONE CRABBE" SAID HERMIONECASTCASTICALLY.

Seamus: Hermionecastcastically? Did she cast�castically?

Remus: The space key is highly underestimated. That aside a comma would be nice after Crabbe.

Sirius: It�d been even better if they�d stop all the screaming. It�s giving me a headache.

Seamus: No, I�m serious. How does one cast castically? Or�what�s castcastically.

Dean: Calm down Seamus. It�s just a very�big typo of some sort, I�m sure.

*** "WELL, I SUPPOSE I WILL SEE U YOU BOYS AT DINNER, HAVE FUN!"

Seamus: U You? Do you think the author decided to put in �you� to clarify the short hand?

Dean: It�s possible�

Ron: Have fun doing what I wonder.

Draco: Can it Weasel! Pervert.

Ron: Payback hurts doesn�t it?

***HERMIONE ADDED CHEERILY AND WITH THAT SHE LEFT THE SLYTHERIN COMMON ROOM, FOLLOWED BY STRANGE STARES FROM THE NOW PACKED ROOM.
Harry: She�s strangely okay with being caught having sex and then walking through the Common Room where everyone can see her.

Ron: Maybe she�s just resigned to the fact that she�s doomed to be horrible out of character. I�ve accepted it. I�m really much happier.

Seamus: Only because he broke into a medicine cabinet before the story.

Ron: You can�t prove that�

***"WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?" ASKED CRABBE

Dean: It�s funny how his question contains his answer�

Seamus: *As Draco* Well you see when a man and a woman (or a woman and a woman, or a man and a man or sometimes three people) love each other very much-

Snape: I feel for your future children Mr. Finnigan.

**"THAT, MY FRIEND - I THINK, WAS A HOT GIRL RIDING ME!" REPLIED DRACO WIDENING HIS SMILE.

Harry: So he thinks it was a hot girl?

Seamus: Well, yeah, because sometimes Hermione is a man.

Dean: Nah, I think he thinks that Crabbe is his friend.

Remus: I think a hyphen was just viciously abused.

Ron: You know, it�s weird but I always thought we were British�

***" I NEVER KNEW YOU WERE INTO MUDBLOOD PUSSY" SAID CRABBE

Remus: I wonder if we should call the police.

Sirius: For?

Remus: To report all of this punctuation stolen.

Harry: Mudblood Pussy?

Ron: He means Crookshanks.

Seamus: You�re into cats?! Sick�

***"I NEVER WAS UNTIL THAT WALKED INTO HOGWARTS" SAID DRACO PULLING A PICTURE OF GRANGER PRATICALLY NAKED FROM UNDER HIS BED.

Draco: *More gagging*

Seamus: So you�re eleven? Or you�ve just had the lusty-type feelings for Hermione that long. Or is that a picture of a naked eleven-year-old Hermione? And where did you get that anyway?

Draco: Shut up.

***"I WONT ASK WHERE THAT CAME FROM.

Remus: I�m sure it�s for the best.

*** DO U REALISE HOW SICK YOU ACTUALLY ARE?" CRABBE ASKED

Snape: Do you realize how lazy it is to have to knock letters off of three-letter word?

Harry: Do you think they care?

Snape: �Good point.

***"JUST BECAUSE YOURE JEALOUS!"

"HA, YOU WISH!" CRABBE REPLIED FEELING SLIGHTLY DEFENSIVE.

Remus: That�s sad. They got the right �you�re� and yet couldn�t take the time to write it properly.

Snape: This entire story is sad.

***IT WAS DINNER IN THE GREAT HALL AGAIN.

Sirius: Just like every other day.

Seamus: [As Pinky] Brain, what are we going to do tomorrow night?

Dean: [As Brain] The same thing we do every night Pinky. Try to take over the world!

Snape: Well then we have nothing to worry about.

Dean: Hey, you got kidnapped by the pajama wearing, sweater-knitting psycho too.

Harry: He has a point.
***THE WAVE OF COVERSATION GREW LOUDER

Harry: And crashed into the school, destroying it.

Snape: And where did this wave come from?

Harry: The conversation of course. Words are powerful things.

***AS MORE STUDENTS FILTERED INTO THE GREAT HALL.HERMIONE SAT DOWN BY HARRY AND RON AND TURNED AROUND AND SMILED AT DRACO.

Ron: Because that�s not out of place.

Remus: Again, the space key is highly underused. Also the word �And� is highly overused.

Sirius: Can�t win for losing can they?

Remus: It would seem so.

*** HERMIONE TURNED BACK TO SEE HARRY AND RON ARGUING AOUT SOMETHING.

Ron: Aout� What�s an Aout? And why are we arguing about it?

Harry: Maybe it�s a way out of the story and we�re debating whether we should take Hermione.

Ron: Ah.

"WHAT ARE YOU TWO ARGUING BOUT NOW?" ASKED HERMIONE

Dean: [As Harry] The orgy in the Astronomy tower.

Seamus: [As Ron] Yeah, Harry wants to invite Snape but

Harry: [Growls and throws his book, effectively silencing Seamus.]

Snape: [Takes another drink. Considers flask mutely. Takes another drink.]

***"YOU ASK HER!" URGED RON.

Harry: Coward.

Ron: Damn straight

Draco: Not in this lifetime.

Ron: What did you say?

Draco: I said I�ve seen country roads straighter than you Weasel, you bloody pouf!

[Everyone sits back to avoid being hit as Ron makes a flying tackle and takes out Draco from wherever Draco was hiding out. A pause. Then the story continues.]

***"OK, OK. UMMMMM HERMIONE I WAS JUST WONDERING, WELL, IT IS JUST THAT SOME PEOPLE SAID YOU CAME OUT OF DRACO'S ROOM AND STORMED OUT OF THE SLYTHERIN COMMON ROOM." BLURTED HARRY, WHO HAD JUST TURNED FROM PALE TO RED.

Harry: Since when do I call Malfoy �Draco�? Even in passing conversation?

Remus: What an interesting way of saying he blushed.

Sirius: [Rubbing his temples] Have we figured out the all caps mystery yet?

Snape: No. Some things are not meant to be explained.

Sirius: True.

***"NOT THAT WE BELIEVE THOSE SNAKEY SLYTHERINS, THEY'RE PROBABLY JUST STIRRING" ADDED RON

Remus: Stirring what exactly? The pot? Shit? The rumor mill?

Sirius: Can you stir a rumor mill?

Remus: Huh. I suppose not.

***WITH A HINT OF UNEASINESS IN HIS VOICE, EVEN HE KNEW DRACO WAS ON EVERYONES TO SHAG LIST.

Harry: Like Hell. He�s not on my list. Though he has very nice hair. [Crickets chirp. Harry laughs nervously] Wonder what he uses on it.

Draco: [Crawling back into his seat, breathless] Herbal Essences. That stuff is fantastic.

Ron: Is that why you smell like flowers and rain? And you called me a pouf.

Draco: You are. You did sniff me after all.

Seamus: Draco was even on Ron�s �To Shag List�

Dean: I wonder what they mean by �even he�.

Snape: They�re implying that Mr. Weasley�s intelligence level is less than stellar.

***"ACTUALLY THIS IS A GREAT TIME TO TELL THE BOTH OF YOU. MIND YOU YOU WILL HAVE TO KEEP IT QUIET,

Harry: As if she hadn�t just come prancing out of the Slytherin common room and been caught by Crabbe a few hours before.

Snape: Don�t poke holes in the plot.

Harry: Too late. This has more holes than Swiss Cheese.

*** DRACO HAS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT HE IS GOING TO TELL HIS DAD.I TAKE IT LUCIOUS WONT BE TOO KEEN THAT I FUCK HIS SONS BRAINS OUT." HERMIONE REPLIED FLATLY

Remus: Spacing error.

Snape: Who? Is it truly that hard to find a book and look up the name?

Draco: I wouldn�t tell my father anything. Why would he care who I�m sleeping with as long as no illegitimate children pop up?

Ron: Great father you�ve got there.

Draco: Meh.

Sirius: Fucks your brains out does she? Does this go back to the �sometimes Hermione is a man� idea?

Harry: Perhaps.

***"W-W-W-WHAT?" RON SPLUTERRED.

Ron: I what? Is that even a word? Remus?

Remus: I don�t think so. If I had a dictionary I could tell you for sure.

Sirius: I think I know what that is. My motorcycle used to make that noise when it was low on oil.

Draco: You know, Weasel, that sounds like something you should have taken care of.

***"I - AM - SHAGGING - DRACO." HERMIONE REPLIED

Draco: Not-In-This-Lifetime. I don�t get it! I�m a mean mudblood-hating prick! Where is the motivation to put us together? I�d be more likely to bash her head against a very large rock, laugh as her brains oozed on the ground, rip out her heart and feed it to my cat than I would� Why�re you all looking at me like that?

Snape: That was�very descriptive.

Sirius: Your mind is a very scary place isn�t it?

Draco: Yes. Yes it is. I blame the fiction.

Remus: Have you considered seeking help?

***"I MUST ADMIT THAT IS A BIT OF SHOCK." ADDED A HARRY.

Sirius: A Harry? Is there more than one now?

Harry: Not to my knowledge.

Dean: Maybe you have clones.

Snape: Just what the world needs.

***" OHH, THAT WAS THE UNDERSTATMENT OF THE WHO LIKE YEAR!" RON SAID ANGRILLY.

Ron: Spell check doesn�t exist in this person�s world does it?

Seamus: Wow. If that had been typed right you would have been a valley girl.

Ron: I noticed that�

***HERMIONE IGNORED THIS COMMENT AND CARRIED ON WITH HER DINNER WHILE BOTH HARRY AND RON SAT THERE IN AMAZMENT.

Harry: Not likely. This is the part where we go and kick Malfoy�s ass while getting Hermione checked for any weird spells.

Draco: Hah! I�m the one who needs to be checked for spells.

Remus: This entire thing needs to be checked for spelling. Immediately.

***HERMIONE COULDN'T HELP BUT FANTASIZE ABOUT DRACO.

Harry: So she is being forced!

Seamus: Or maybe she�s addicted. Maybe Draco has weird�addicting stuff in his cum.

Dean: Eww� Besides, this isn�t a Veela story.

Draco: Huh?

***SHE COULD IMAGINE STRAIGHT AFTER A QUIDDITCH MATCH, TAKING OFF HIS TIGHT CLOTHING TO FIND HIS ACHING SORE MUSCLES.

Draco: Aching sore muscles�because just one word isn�t enough. They hurt so much two descriptive words are necessary.

Harry: The Quidditch uniforms really aren�t that tight�

***SHE CAN IMAGINE DRAGGING HIM INTO A STEAMING HOT SHOWER AND KISSING HIM HARD.

Remus: Could she imagine the sudden tense change from past to present tense?

Snape: You�re surprising good at this. Were you an English teacher in a past life?

Sirius: Nah. Just anal-retentive.

Remus: Someone had to check over your work! I swear you and James couldn�t have written a coherent paper to save your lives.

Sirius: Yes. I don�t know what I would have done without you Moony.

Harry: Ugh! Please, again�like parents having sex. No flirting. Bad.

Dean: Does she mean kissing him until he�s hard?

Seamus: *Shrugs*

***SHE SMILED TO HERSELF, SHE IS GOING TO HAVE DRACO AFTER HIS SEASON QUIDITCH MATCH.

Remus: A tense change mid sentence. Impressive in its stupidity.

Harry: How does a person manage to spell �Quidditch� right the first time but misspell it two lines down?

Remus: Impressive stupidity.

Harry: Oh. �Hey. I think it�s over.

Snape: So it would seem.

Ron: We should run before he decides to send something else.

Seamus: This from the Dark Lord�s new tea mate.

Remus: You had tea with Voldemort?

Ron: Just the once.
---------------
It was sometime later and all but Sirius, Remus, Harry, and Snape had already headed off to bed. The only thing keeping the four of them from going to bed was A) the lack of beds and B) Sirius making a fuss over Snape and Harry sharing a room. He seemed to think that Snape was going to try and molest Harry in his sleep and refused to let them share.
Harry had muttered that he didn�t really think being molested by Snape sounded like such a horrible thing. He suspected Remus had heard him because the werewolf had choked on his can of soda before smiling wryly and scolding Sirius, who had shut up almost instantly.
It may have gone on for a while yet but Snape spoke up for the first time. He�d thus far just been sitting on the couch and smirking as Sirius became increasingly frustrated with his lack of response. If Harry hadn�t known better he could have thought that Snape liked watching his godfather get flustered.
Even now he addressed his words to Remus and pointedly ignored Sirius. And�yes, his lips were quirking into a faint smile. It looked good on him. Anything bigger would have been frightening and Harry didn�t want to risk any more traumatizing events.
�Why don�t you and your pet take the bedroom? It would seem to me that, as he has been dead for the past year, you would want to spend some time catching up. I�m sure neither I nor Harry cares to be present for that and I�m sure we can suffer through a night on the couch.�
Remus blinked, looking bemused, then nodded. He took a moment to wrap Harry in a quick hug, smiling as he blushed brightly and squirmed away. He turned to walk in the direction the others had gone then turned and frowned at Sirius, who was almost pouting.
�Come Sirius!�
Sirius jumped then, with an embarrassed cough, ran after Remus. Harry scratched the back on his neck then decided it was best to not even think about it.
Snape smirked. �Two decades and Black is still whipped. Though I imagine you could have lived without knowing that.�
�Yes.�
Another small smirk then Snape was looking around. �I believe I saw a linen closet down that hallway. Pick a couch.�
He walked off; leaving Harry to pick which couch he wanted. He frowned then shrugged and jumped onto the one nearest to him. He bounced, unable to fight a slightly childish laugh. Bouncy. He got up and went to try the next one.
He completely missed Snape returning and leaning against the wall to watch him try each couch, and even two of the chairs, before finally deciding. He turned around to walk back to the first couch he�d tried and stopped dead in his tracks. Snape arched an eyebrow at him.
�You had a deprived childhood didn�t you?�
Harry laughed nervously. �Maybe.�
�It shows.� He threw Harry a cover and the teen caught it easily. �Perhaps you should refrain from being so obvious.�
Harry shrugged a bit before falling back on his chosen couch. He set his book (which he�d been careful to bring back from the theater) and glasses on the table next to his couch and laid back. He wondered what they were going to about the lights when they went off abruptly. He thought Snape had done it for a second when he heard a crash and an angry curse followed by �fucking nutty crackpot. What the hell was I thinking?�.
So it probably wasn�t Snape who�d done it. He swallowed his laugh and closed his eyes.
�Goodnight Professor.�
He could almost feel Snape rolling his eyes. �Goodnight Potter.� Harry sighed softly, trying to inflect some sort of wistfulness into his voice. He snickered at the annoyed noise Snape made. �What�s wrong with you now?�
He sat up. �You called me Harry before.�
�That is your name isn�t it?�
�Yes��
��I suppose you�d like me to call you that again?�
Harry beamed. �See, I know you were smarter than all of the other teachers said.�
�Hmm. If you�re tying to get on my good side-�
�Insulting you and being sarcastic is probably going about it in the right way.�
�I had no idea I was so transparent. Go to sleep Harry. You�ll need to rest if you mean to retain even a shred of sanity.�
�He probably should stop pushing his luck but he had to ask. �Can I call you Severus?�
�You realize of course that I could kill you right now and be out of here, in Voldemort�s good graces, and finding horrid fan fiction for the others before they even knew I was gone?�
Yep. He�d been pushing it.
----------------
I�m back lovelies! Leave reviews and send all bad fan fiction links to aloyshatoolate@yahoo.com Thanks.

And, as far as the first five chapters go, they need some major editing. A lot of words have vanished and melded together.
- 5
- 6
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Mystery Hogwarts Theater