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Angel Of Mercy	By : AttentionDeficit Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male > Harry/Draco Views: 10159 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, nor any of the characters from the books or movies. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
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It’s All My Fault Now
“Draco.” Granger says as I step into her office. She sounds amused. Why isn’t she pissed?
”I thought you might want to know that your out burst on Harry yesterday has made him walk out of his therapy session yesterday once your outburst was mentioned. We have never even seen him flinch. He normally just sits in his seat watching the clock or the ground.” Granger smiles.
”So now that he has reacted to something, are you going to explain why you’re in here?”
”You know why, I slit my wrists.” I said shortly.
”But Draco I want to know why you did.”
She pauses and waits for me to say something. She seems to be sitting exactly still as if she expects me to mumble it. As if I’ll say anything.
”Draco…” She continues still trying to find an answer in my silence. “All I know about you so far is that you like raspberries more then strawberries, you don’t like blue berries and that you are now comfortable enough in my presence to not keep your back straight. You need to tell me why you did it? What makes you feel so down?”
”Life does.” I say simply, ending all leads she thought she might have had to me spilling my guts all over the floor.
”Do you want to know what I know about you, Granger?” I ask minutes later. I am too bored to keep this silence up and I hate the feeling of her eyes burning in to me.
She nods.
”I know your family and friends are more important then anything else in this world. I know that when you talk about them your eyes light up with hope. When you are expecting something you’ll be as quiet as possible, barely breathing. When you are disappointed your hand goes limp as if it is dead like your hope. When you are nervous you say ‘well’ at the beginning of every sentence. And your eyes fill with pain, love and hope when you talk about Potter. You seem to be unable to believe anyone should be able to end their own life. It bothers you more then anything else to watch people give up.”
”Well, that is very true. I do all of those things. That means I can add one more thing to the list of things I know about you. You are very observant.” Her eyes twinkle with amusement. “You can go now Draco, our meeting can end in a good note for once. But I expect you to start sharing in two sessions from now. That’s three days from now. Get your thoughts together.”
And with that I was dismissed.
I got back to my room with confusion lightly floating in my brain. How did she know I was planning on spilling my guts soon? Is it because it’s been a month? Or because I have become more relaxed around her?
I hate confusion. It’s a numbing feeling. It freezes your brain, makes your thoughts collide and your body slow down. Tell me how anybody thinks under this condition.
I wish I could fall asleep until they had every question answered. Then there would be no confusion. I feel horrible now. I don’t want her to know anything about me! And yet… I want her to know it all. I want to walk up to Potter and hug him and I want to spit on him. I want to go find my mother and tell her I forgive her and I also want to rip her heart out so she feels this pain. I don’t remember this pain. When did it start? When will it end? Why did I really try to end it all? Did I really want out? Do I want out now? Has anything even changed? I don’t think anything has changed. I’m trapped somewhere. But I feel a little different. Maybe because people have been kicking down my heart’s door.
Oh my God, this hurts like hell. My head is numb and my heart hurts. It’s not easy caving in. I hate giving in to the negative side of myself. I want him to die. I want that side gone. I want the bad memories to go away. But I slightly don’t want the good to go away…
So then why did I try to end it? If I want the good memories instead of the bad why didn’t I just go to a psychiatrist and get them to help me out?
“Why, you ask? I know why.” My other side answers.
And I know it’s telling the truth. I think it rarely lies. Maybe just over exaggerates.
But if I have one side over exaggerating and the other side concentrating on the want to die, where does that leave me? The real me. Not the pretender. But who is the real me. I have been wearing this mask for so long; the mask of the pretender. The liar who says everything is alright, that everything is grand, peachy, fucking-fabulous. When they really mean that the world is falling apart. I have been wearing this mask for so long and have forgotten who is underneath.
I guess it’s time for discovery. Time to find the reasons behind the lies. Starting with what really happened the night I gave up my final hope on the world…
“DRACO! The Dark Lord is coming. And you know Lucius has failed him. He’ll attack you. Oh, my poor nephew alone with no parents to protect him.” My mad aunt Bellatrix called out.
Okay I’m done lifting my mask. Fuck this. No way. Fuck this. I will not be lead back into that time again. No. No. NO! You can’t drag me back into there. It hurts, fuck it hurts. Sharp thing….. SHARP THING. And I found nothing. So I lower my mouth to my arm and bite down hard.
She laughed and walked away from me. Leaving me alone to find a space to hide. I guess she was doing me a favour really. She would have sold me out to the Dark Lord if she knew where I went. So I ran up the stairs and found Pansy Parkinson. She dragged me into a bedroom and locked the door then we hid in the closet.
Now I’m cooled down. Look what pain does for me. It is like a nervous tick thing. Some people scratch the back of their head, other people bite their lip but I hurt myself. I induce pain to minimize the bad thoughts. And they do stop. They do… for a while. Normally thirty minutes or so but then something else jumps back in to my mind and wipes away all happy thoughts I might have been feeling or any slightly positive thoughts at all. It rips it out. Then you feel like your drowning. Drowning in your own pool of sorrow. It is a pathetic feeling. Because you become helpless. And then when people start to smile at you and talk to you. You feel as if you can’t rise up to their level of ground to do it back. You stay drowning while they use their life preserver. Some try to share their life preserver with you but then you both start to drown so they drop you back down. Back down to drowning. Drowning in the never ending ocean of sorrow, complete and utter sorrow. While you know that you are in this sorrow because of yourself. It’s all my fault now.
I am not an expert on depression or suicide. I don't know everything. What I do know is from my readings, or knowledge I have gained from battling depression for the last three years.
I apologize if this story offends you or hurts you in anyway. Know that I don't want to hurt you and I love you even if I don't know you or say I hate you.
Always know someone out there loves you and if you feel like commiting the big S. don't. Talk to someone. Somebody will care.
-Attention Deficit.
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Angel Of Mercy