Adult-FanFiction.org : Harry Potter

Linger	By : starstruck86 Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male > Snape/Remus Views: 3932 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter nor do I make any money from these writings.

Chapter List
- 5
- 6
- 7
20^th
December 1983

�I get up early every
morning� without you.

I open up the blind and I let the dawn in� without you.

And then I think about growing older... without you.

And my blood runs a little colder.� �Without You�

Remus was not having a good day,
by anyone�s standards. He felt like death warmed up. He�d had an awful moon the
weekend before and was still suffering, but had forced himself into work
because he felt obligated to. His transformation had been so awful he�d popped
out both shoulders and lain on the forest floor, freezing, until he could take
the pain to find his two-way mirror in his belongings and call for Severus to
come and rescue him. The mirrors had been the way he and Sirius had managed to
deal with the moons. Remus would apparate to a forest, which he alternated each
moon, making sure he had the mirror and would make contact as soon as he could.
It wasn�t ideal but generally it worked and Severus had been willing to keep up
the process.

But those four hours lying on the
floor in agony had done him an immense amount of harm. Every nerve in his body
had been screaming as he hauled himself into work and sat down at his desk,
barely able to string a sentence together. The galling thing was he knew it
would have been fine had it been Vi, and not her husband, running the shop that
day. There had been shouting, Remus pretty much unable to defend himself
against the insults of being useless, of being a slacker and of taking
advantage of Vi�s good nature. And then he was told to
get out and consider his contract terminated. So, on top feeling like death,
Remus was actually heartbroken, because nearing a year in the job, he had
really grown to love it, and those that he worked with.

Somehow he had managed to
apparate back to Diagon Alley, something he tried to avoid when he felt this
rough in case he splinched himself. He was heading for the flat, trying to hold
back tears. The streets were thick with Christmas shoppers and it was making
his journey even harder to navigate, and he was practically sobbing by the time
he reached the little gate-enclosed park. He had to rest on one of the freezing
benches for a while and on rising to his feet gave a definite wobble.

There was snow in the air, he
could smell it. It was already snowing in Scotland, with Severus. Remus
wanted to crawl into the flat and find him through the fire but there was no
point. As the school was on holiday, but some students remained, the Floos were
all blocked. Severus didn�t live at the school yet, because the Potions Master
didn�t want to retire, so he was acting as teaching assistant and apparating
home every night. And he usually expected Remus to be waiting for him. As he
walked, body aching, Remus wanted nothing more than to be curled up alongside
Severus, leeching his warmth, feeling happy.

Fumbling with his wand for the
front door, Remus shuddered at the icy draught blowing down the hallway. The
door swung open and he let out a groan of relief, slumping through the door and
closing it behind him, dropping his wand on the nearest available surface and
heading for the sofa. Only when he had collapsed on it did he see the letter
waiting on the tiny coffee table in front of the fire, which twitched at him.

He stared at it, thinking of all
the things which could make his day worse. Having the flat re-possessed, bank
fraud, the Ministry chasing him for proof of his precautions during the full
moons� he was still staring at the letter. Remus reached out his fingertips for
it but couldn�t make enough energy come to reach out and grab it properly. �Accio,� he tried wandlessly, and
was nearly bowled over with shock when the letter flew into his hand and landed
in his lap when he didn�t catch it.

�Well at least I�m still a bloody
wizard,� he breathed, and squinted at the handwritten address.

Time apparently stopped. He was
looking at shaky, but still recognisable, loopy over-dramatic handwriting. Handwriting
he�d last seen on a note he�d found hidden inside his travelling cloak when he
was working undercover� that Sirius had snuck into the cloth when he wasn�t
looking.

The Ministry might have been more welcome.

Remus simply stared at it in his
lap as though it might explode. There was no date stamp. Remus had spent nearly
two years longing for it, longing for contact, but now it was apparently within
his grasp he couldn�t force himself to open the envelope. A pathetic sob choked
out of his mouth and he wished he could move and get up as far away from the
letter as he possibly could.

What would it contain? An explanation? An apology? Lines of love? Remus
wasn�t sure he could stomach any of the options. He glared down at the letter
in his lap as though bore the fault of the sender. He hadn�t even noticed he
was crying again until the tears tickled his chin and trembled precariously. He
ducked his head and wiped them on his jumper.

The strangest feeling washed over
him �the compulsion to get up, spark a fire, and throw the letter in to burn.

Two fucking years, Sirius. Two fucking years and you
choose today to get in contact.

He knew that placing blame on
Sirius� timing was idiotic, but he felt so rotten he couldn�t help it. It was
most likely this was the first permission Sirius had been given to write.

How much life can change in a day, Remus thought incredulously as he cast his mind back to the day before.
He and Severus had been shopping together in Hogsmeade, for the nostalgia, and
had ended up drinking mulled wine and eating roasted chestnuts as they
re-visited the haunts of their youth. It had been strange, being there without
the other Marauders, and it was galling to know that he was the only one left.
But he had felt happy when Severus had slopped his wine everywhere by accident
and spent ten minutes swearing about it, whilst Remus doubled up in the snow
laughing at the unfortunate mark it had left on his trousers. And when he�d
kissed Severus to try and cheer him up, he had felt so light and almost normal.

And now he felt broken all over
again. A worthless body which was failing him at the age of twenty-three, no
job �lost because of his broken body, and a banged up partner with another
lover on the side. Remus very suddenly had the urge to be fifteen again, and to
tell himself he was stupid and to find himself another boyfriend, that Sirius
would never want him, and to move on. And then he wouldn�t have been in his
current predicament.

The letter twitched at him again
in his lap and he didn�t know what to do. It was obviously sealed by magic,
because of the twitching. That also meant it had been checked by the ministry
before being passed onto him, and Sirius, if he was still in any frame of
�right� mind (If he ever had one, Remus�
lip curled into a sneer), would have known that. There wouldn�t be anything in
it that he didn�t want them to read, such as a confession. So would it just be
lies?

And could Remus stomach lies? He
sniffed his way through another wave of tears and continued staring down at the
loopy handwriting.

�Why the fuck did you do this to
me?� He whispered aloud, a question which up until that point, he�d refrained
from asking. �Sirius, why the fucking HELL did you bring
this crashing around our shoulders?� Said shoulders were heaving with emotion
and it hurt like hell, considering his full moon injuries.

He was suddenly very glad that
they lived alone and that the room was soundproofed. It had been a total of two
months since he had last cried over his situation, and even that had only been
a small amount of sniffling on Severus� shoulder. He had thought he was getting
stronger, not moving on �never moving on, but learning to deal with the pain
and the confusion. Apparently
not. He closed his eyes and screwed up his face, immensely glad
nobody was there to witness what he was sure was going to be an ugly, snotty
howling session.

He sat for a few moments, snorting
and crying, before he realised that it wasn�t just the physical parts of his
body which were aching. Something akin to a hole inside his chest was throbbing
with misery. It wasn�t anything he�d felt for a long time, not since the first
terrified days after he�d been bitten. His face was absolutely sopping wet and
was starting to sting. He had no idea how much time had passed between leaving
the bookshop and entering the flat, let alone how long he�d been sitting here
bawling over the letter.

This is ridiculous. Get up. Find a pain potion. And burn the fucking
letter.

It all sounded so easy, when he
instructed himself to do it in his mind. But he moved his arm and whimpered in
pain. He knew he was pathetic, that other werewolves did this every month and
not all of them had an amazing up-and-coming Potioneer
to tend to their every need. No. Plenty did it by rolling around on the forest
floor in agony until they healed enough to heal themselves. And some simply
revelled in causing pain to abate their own. Remus gave an involuntary shudder
at the very prospect of turning anybody else into a werewolf, to cause them to
suffer his misery. He coughed slightly and squeezed his eyes shut.

The letter jumped a little in his lap. �Go away,� he muttered, and sent it
wordlessly back onto the coffee table, where it jumped again.

What if
there�s a time spell on it? What if it combusts before I open it? Then I�ll
never know.

The way his heart sped up at the thought of never reading the contents
told Remus he was never going to burn the letter. But if it combusted by itself
and the opportunity was snatched from him� that would have been no different to
if he�d never known the letter was there. But burning the bridge himself just
wasn�t plausible. He slumped slightly to the side and kept going until his face
was buried in the seat cushion of the sofa, body twisted awkwardly with his
feet still on the floor. Even though there was nobody else there, it was
comforting to have his sodden face hidden and he let himself cry some more into
the soft cushion.

***

�This really is very fine research, Severus,� Albus said over the top of
his half-moon glasses.

�Do you think?� Severus asked anxiously, even though he was immensely
proud of it.

�I think the magazine should be honoured to publish it, personally,�
Albus smiled.

Severus afforded himself small grin and took the magazine back from
Albus� outstretched hand.

�I have to ask, Severus� why the sudden interest in werewolves? And where on
earth did you find such a willing test case?�

�Er,� Severus flushed, and busied himself with
putting the magazine back in his bag.

�I don�t mean to pry,� Albus shook his head. �Just� look after yourself.�

Severus frowned at that. �I am.�

�Good to hear. Now it�s nearly six and I�m expected elsewhere, so. I�ll
see you after Christmas. Are you sure you wouldn�t like residence in the
castle?�

�No, Headmaster, I�m fine. I have company for Christmas anyway.�

�I�m sure you do,� Albus said as Severus got up and headed for the
fireplace.

Severus tried not to think about that too much as he scraped up some Floo
powder and tossed it into the flames. They engulfed his body as he stepped in
and shouted his address, and he was surprised when he stepped out into a dark
living room. Remus was supposed to be staying with him for the next two weeks.
But it was very clear that the house was empty. Frowning, Severus instantly
turned round and grabbed another handful of Floo powder, but thought on his
clothes. He was in traditional wizard dress and if Remus was still at work he
could go and meet him, but he�d have to change.

He raced up the stairs two at a time and shrugged out of his black robe
and threw it on the bed, pulling towards him a pair of jeans and a jumper. He
didn�t know why he was quite so hasty to find Remus, but he found himself
shoving his head into an arm hole and getting stuck. Re-emerging from the
correct hole, he flattened his hair and grabbed his bag off the bed from where
he�d thrown it before clattering down the stairs again. As he threw on his ordinary
muggle jacket, he thought of how noisy he�d started to be within the house. He
was never noisy. When his father had been alive being noisy would have earned
him god knows what.

He checked his keys were in his pocket before opening the door and slamming
it behind him as he stepped onto the street, an icy wind wrapping around his
body and sending his hair up about his face. As it was already dark, he
disapparated from outside his front door, straight into the park near Remus�
flat. Nobody took any note of him, popping from thin air, and he took a second
to truly appreciate the magical world as he set off down the slippery path to
the old converted flats.

Severus felt the excitement burn through him as a smile crept onto his
lips as he turned towards Remus� front door and had to stop and check himself. You are getting more and more like a fucking
lovesick teenager every single day! He knocked on the door and listened
carefully for any sounds of movement within. When none came, he stepped back
and looked down at the crack of light coming from beneath the door. He banged a
little harder and said Remus� name aloud.

Severus pulled out his wand and tapped it to the lock, which clicked open
with ease. Remus had incorporated his wand into the locking charm when it
became evident that Severus was going to take over as his healer. Severus
pushed the door open and almost dropped his wand when he saw one light on, the
fire out, Remus bent over with his face in the sofa cushions, fully dressed.

�Remus?� he asked tentatively, reaching out a hand and gripping his
shoulder. �Remus?� He dropped to his knees beside the
sofa and prised Remus� puffy face out of the cushions with alarm. Instinctively
the next thing he grabbed was a wrist, pressing his fingers over the pulse
point and was relieved when a strong thumping nudged against his skin. Thank fucking Merlin for that. �Remus?� He dropped the wrist and shook harder, bringing his
palm to Remus� cheek and slapping gently.

He was starting to get seriously worried when a phone rang out shrilly
from the desk beneath the window and he jumped, and, thankfully, so did Remus,
whose eyes flew open and blinked at the strange sound. He�d had to have the
phone connected when he started work, otherwise he�d be unreachable at short notice.
It had taken a lot of money and a lot of patience, but finally the damn thing
had been connected.

�You want me to get that?� Severus asked, and Remus jumped again,
blushing as he realised he�d been found out in his misery.

Remus shook his head and the clever little answer phone Severus had
charmed for him clicked on and he blanched and buried his head back in the
cushion as Vi�s voice spoke to the room.

�Remus, come on, I�m getting really
worried now. It�s seven at night. Dave said you looked godawful�
oh Christ I hope you�re not dead somewhere, Remus. Please let me know where you
are and that you�re-�

Her voice was cut off and Remus looked up again to see Severus picking up
the phone, looking mightily confused as he answered.

�No, I�m his� boyfriend. I have no idea, I�ve just found him.� Severus
peered at the display and saw it was full of recorded messages. �Okay, I�ll do
that. I�ll get him to phone you.�

He put the receiver down and looked at Remus as he tapped the little
machine with his wand and it played the messages.

�Remus, I am so sorry about what my
idiotic husband did this morning. You are NOT fired, and you�re NOT any of the
things he called you. Please ring me as soon as you get this.�

�Remus
it�s Vi again. You�re worrying me. Please ring me so
we can talk about this. I promise you you�ve not been sacked and my husband is
well and truly in the doghouse for what he said to you.�

�Remus if
you don�t ring me back right away I�m going to hunt you down myself. This isn�t
funny. I know you must be upset but this is ridiculous.�

Remus bit his lip and sniffed slightly, rising further up off the sofa.
He swallowed and looked over at Severus.

�Care to explain?� Severus asked weakly. �Did you get sacked?�

�I thought I had�� Remus whispered, and pushed himself
up fully, glad to feel that his shoulders ached less than when he had fallen
asleep. �This morning when I woke up, I was awful again. Managed
to get to work. Couldn�t string a sentence together.
Her husband was in a bad mood and I guess I suffered for it.�

�And that alone made you come home and cry a river into that beautiful
sofa?� Severus gestured to the dark stain now left on the seat cushion where
Remus had spent the day with his face buried.

Remus started trembling as he looked at the coffee table, where the
letter still sat. �N-no.�

�What�s this?� Severus snatched it up off the wood and peered at the
letter in the dim light, he waved his wand the flat blazed into colour, making
Remus blink. He turned the letter over in his hand and saw the words �Azkaban
Prison� stamped on the back. Severus couldn�t stop his jaw from dropping and
looking aghast at Remus.

�I couldn�t open it,� Remus explained weakly. �I couldn�t� I��

Severus was next to him on the sofa before Remus could struggle to get
any more words out, and he grabbed the wolf�s hand and held it tightly. �Are
you going to open it?�

�I don�t know,� Remus felt the tears come again and wondered how it was
possible �surely he should be dried out by now?

�Here�� Severus grabbed a tissue from the box on the coffee table and
mopped up Remus� face with it.

�I was leaving it� I was going to burn it at first, but I couldn�t. And
then I thought it might have a time limit on it� and if I left it and it burnt
up through no fault of my own� then that would be that.�

�But it�s still here,� Severus grazed his thumb over the back of Remus�
hand.

�It�s still bloody here,� Remus gasped through his tears.

Severus caught them all again and threw the tissue into the fire grate.
�Would you like me to read it?�

Remus gulped on some air, thinking about it, knowing that it was taking a
lot for Severus to offer. �Do I look that awful that you�d consider doing
something like that for me?�

�Would you like me to read it?� Severus repeated, ignoring the implication.

Remus breathed open-mouthed, head thumping along with his heartbeat. He
sniffed, resolutely licked his lips and gave a tiny, almost imperceptible nod.

Severus didn�t give him a chance to change his mind; he flipped the
letter over and tore it open at the top of the envelope, sliding the folded
parchment out. There was only one side of handwriting. Severus could hear his
own heart racing as he held it closer so he could read it.

�Read it out to me,� Remus whispered.

Fuck it.

��Dear Remus,� Severus
read, in a quiet tone.

�I hope
this letter finds you. After the last two years I don�t hold any assumption
that it will find you well or happy. I love you, Remus. I love you even though
they�re stripping away my memories of you. I�m not going to plead forgiveness,
for two reasons. Firstly, your suffering is probably such that you�re incapable
of forgiveness, and secondly, and I say this without a shadow of a doubt,
Remus, I am innocent. There is little point in me explaining, as the truth will
seem so farfetched. Until I can prove it, if I can ever prove it, I won�t
bother. It won�t do you any favours. But know that I love you, and that I�m so
sorry for abandoning you, and that the only shred of hope I have keeping me
alive, alongside my innocence, is that somewhere deep inside, you still love
me. I don�t know when I�ll be able to write again and no reply you send will be
permitted. I certainly haven�t had anything you�ve sent before, if you sent
anything at all. I wouldn�t blame you if you hadn�t. I love you. Sirius.�

�That�s� it?� Remus asked uncertainly, watching as Severus turned the
paper over to check for any messages on the back.

�That�s it�� he said quietly, and held the letter out, which Remus grabbed and
devoured with his own eyes, fully able to now the firsthand pain of reading it
was over.

�He sounds so��

�Sane?� Severus supplied, mouth slightly open in
shock.

�Exactly,� Remus breathed, simply staring at the handwriting on the page.

�He also sounds mightily convinced he is innocent� even though there were
all those witnesses��

�Thanks for nothing, Sirius,� Remus burst out, and chucked the letter
down on the table and got to his feet, moving to pace in front of the
mantelpiece, ignoring the photograph of himself and Sirius that sat upon it.

He wondered if he would break down, but no, he was feeling anger pump
through his veins.

Severus looked at him uncomfortably.

�He expected me to write letters!� Remus burst out. �What the hell, Sev?
I mean, what on earth was I going to write? �Thanks
for fucking off and leaving me!�?�

�He doesn�t say he�s expected anything,� Severus replied. �He�s just
saying he hasn�t had anything if you�ve sent them, he doesn�t want you to think
he�s ignoring you.�

�Or he�s implying he�s annoyed he hasn�t had any letters,� Remus put his
hands on his hips.

Severus didn�t know what he should say; whether he should fight Sirius�
corner or agree with Remus. Both could be problematic and he loathed the
thought of sticking up for Sirius Black.

�And, �I�m innocent but I�m not going to tell you why because you won�t believe
me�. What fucking twaddle!�

�Would you believe him?�
Severus asked pointedly.

�No,� Remus shook his head miserably.

�Well then you have to admit, he�s got a point,� Severus rose to his feet
and smoothed his hand over the stubble shadow on his chin. �What did you want
the letter to say, Remus?�

�I don�t know, that�s why I wasn�t opening it!�
He bought his hands up to his face and buried it in them. �I couldn�t decide
what would be better, apologies, a confession� or��

�Or what?� Severus
frowned.

�Or having him release me from his bond,� Remus waved the hand with the
ring in the air.

That particular possible cause of the letter had come to Remus somewhere
in the mid-afternoon and made him cry all over again, just as his tears had
dried up a little.

�Is that what you want, to be released?� Severus asked in shock.

�I don�t know what I want,� Remus shook his head, face contorted in pain.
�I just want to be fucking normal.�

Don�t we
bloody all? �Okay.� Severus managed to keep his verbal
contributions less sarcastic than his mental ones.

�I want a hug,� Remus announced childishly to the room and stared at the
carpet.

Severus didn�t move from by the sofa instantly and felt a sting of anger
as Remus huffed impatiently.

�Oh for Merlin�s sake just fucking hurry up,� Remus spat, holding his
arms out as Severus slowly neared him.

Severus tried; he really, really tried, to fight down his acerbic side into his
stomach, to take Remus� anger as a result of his horrifying day. But he just
wasn�t strong enough. �You won�t get anything if you talk to me like that
again.�

Remus in his normal, caring nature would have gone wide-eyed, horrified
at the thought of being so rude. But Remus wasn�t in his normal frame of mind
and instead of apology, the next words out of his
mouth were somewhat cruel. �Oh, yes, you�re the only one who can be a
demanding, cutting bastard in this relationship, aren�t you?�

And whilst coming from anyone else, Severus would have taken the comment
on the chin and retorted scathingly, from Remus, it cut straight to the quick,
as it had intended to. Because Severus had tried so hard to be the person that
Remus wanted him to be, the cheerful, friendly, loving creature that he craved
as a mate. Severus, naturally, was only one of the three, and friendliness and
cheerfulness took a lot of hard work on his behalf. But he had tried to, to
keep Remus happy. And
to keep him by my side.

�Demanding? That�s rich, coming from you,� Severus stopped moving.

Remus laughed at him, dragging his fingers through his hair. �At least
I�m not demanding and controlling at the same time.�

Severus hoped he stopped the hurt from showing on his face. Controlling?
He was anything but. Everything they did they did because Remus wanted to.

�Why did you sit there and read the letter out for me?� Remus asked,
gesturing to it. �What did you expect
it to say? Or what did you want it to say?�
I bet you were hoping he�d confess, he�d release me from the bond and
then you could have me all to yourself.�

�If you were in my position what would you
want?� Severus asked shakily. �How would you feel?�

�I�d realise what I�d gotten myself into,� Remus narrowed his eyes. �So
what, you did hope he�d do those
things?�

�No!� Severus� tone was getting heated, as he really loathed words being
put into his mouth. �I hoped he might offer you some bloody comfort, Remus.
It�s all you want, really, isn�t it? Him.� Saying
those words aloud made Severus� stomach bomb out as he felt amazingly stupid
even remotely believing Remus might want him, as he had come to in the last few
months.

�Liar! You were hoping he�d upset
me even more so you could swoop in and save the day, right? Well. That
backfired on you.�

�Why are you saying these things?� Severus frowned in fury. �I don�t know
what kind of impression you have of me, Remus, but I hoped it was better than
the one you�re relaying.�

Remus didn�t know where any of it was coming from, but he seemingly
couldn�t stop his lips from opening and the words from falling out� taking out
his anger on the one person who had been there for him over the last two years.
He felt monstrous, even as he continued. �You can�t even say you love me
properly, after nearly two years, and yet you fucking expect me to relinquish
any feelings I have for Sirius.�

�I expect nothing of the sort, and you know that,� Severus half-shouted,
curling his hands into fists at his sides. Whilst he did hate having to share
Remus, he knew he�d be a fool to expect what Remus accused him of. �I�m going
to go, this is ridiculous. You can contact me when you calm down.�

�Oh that�s not likely,� Remus laughed again, and traces of hysteria rang
in the hollow sound. �Like I�m going to come running to you again? Look where
that led me the first time! Two years of extra fucking torment.�

�You kept coming around, Remus,� Severus picked up his bag from where
he�d dropped it on entering the flat.

�And you should have had the fucking strength to push me away!� Remus
shouted. �You took advantage of me when I was broken!�

That pushed Severus beyond the realm of relative calmness. �Like fuck I
did!� He shouted, northern accent creeping into his resonating voice. �Without
me you would�ve been dead by now, so don�t tell me I fucking took advantage!
You took advantage of ME, if anything, and all the care I could give you.�

�I DIDN�T ASK FOR YOUR HELP!� Remus flew a few steps closer. �You forced
it on me.�

�Yes you did,� Severus drew himself up to his full height and made sure
his voice was in check before he continued. �Remus you have never stopped
asking for my help, whether you�re conscious of it or not. And I gave you my
help because-�

�You felt guilty,� Remus� narrowed his eyes. �You think I haven�t figured
out enough to know that you started out in this because you felt guilty. That I
haven�t figured out the fact that this whole sorry mess has something to do
with you?�

Severus� heart turned up a notch and he stared at Remus, trying to
organise his thoughts. �And yet you still came knocking on my door, even if you
thought that was my motivation. Have you ever considered the reason I did it is
because I felt for you? Because I�ve always bloody felt for
you Remus? And I�ve only let myself feel again because for the last year
you�ve been saying how happy you are with me, how much you love me?!�

His voice wobbled speaking the last sentence and Severus knew it was time
to seek an out, before he lost control.

�You don�t feel for anyone, bar yourself,� Remus shook his head coldly,
internally turning to ice with fear at what he couldn�t stop saying.

�I only feel for myself?� Severus echoed quietly. �Right.�

Remus flinched as Severus� hand moved, expecting to find a wand drawn on
him, but the hand only sank into the recesses of the bag Severus had picked up
and tugged something out. �When you�ve pulled your head out
of your backside, Remus, read pages 142 and 143.� Severus threw down the
copy of The Practical Potioneer
on the coffee table and left without another word, letting the door slam loudly
behind him.

***

�FUCKING SON OF A MUDBL-� Severus was mid-shout
when he realised exactly what he had been about to say. Sickened with himself,
he let his jaw snap shut and punched his fist into the kitchen wall as a
distraction.

It certainly worked, but he heard a crack and then felt the pain in his
knuckles, and when he drew his hand away from the wall he saw blood smeared on
them. It wasn�t the first time he�d punched it, more like the fourth.

�Well aren�t you just fucking clever?� He hissed aloud, aiming a kick at
the nearest kitchen chair. He tried to flex his right hand and was glad there
was nobody around to hear his cry of pain. Yes. Something was definitely
bruised and probably broken. �Fucking idiot, Severus, this�ll take weeks to
fucking heal properly.�

He knew he was talking to himself and it was mad. He also knew he had no
chance of healing his hand by himself, and that he needed to go to St. Mungo�s. Because like hell am I going to go and ask Remus for fucking help.

The pain in his hand sat atop his other aching. He�d arrived home immediately
after leaving Remus, shaking and feeling sick, which he had promptly remedied
by throwing up three times in fear. And then he had hit a bottle of wine, got a
little angrier, thrown up again, and started talking to himself, only
furthering his fury, and that was when he�d started punching the wall as an
outlet for his rage.

He couldn�t remember the last time he�d been so riled by an argument.
Remus thought so little of him, it seemed, that he could barely patch up the
holes he�d ripped with his words. And why Severus even cared was beyond him.
But care he did. And when he�d been hunched over the toilet he�d let himself
cry, because it wasn�t hard to convince himself that it was just the force of
his lunch coming up that made his eyes leak. But he knew really he was crying
because of the argument. And Severus Snape didn�t cry over arguments.

Ignoring the moisture swimming in his eyes, Severus grabbed his wand and
headed for the fireplace, pressured by the throbbing in his hand and worrying
ache in his wrist.

***

Remus stared with glazed eyes at the magazine article on the coffee
table. It sat precariously next to Sirius� letter, which he had managed to stop
himself from tearing up. The article was amazingly well written and opened up
the possibilities for research about lycanthropy beyond the amount that anyone
had cared to delve before. Remus hadn�t even known Severus was writing it. But
before him in glossy print, it served as a further needle in his gut to what he
might have just ruined.

He swallowed and sniffed heavily. Remus couldn�t believe the awful things
he had said. He hadn�t imagined his day could have gotten any worse, but he had
made it so all by himself. It wasn�t often he wanted to howl in human form but
it was the best description of the shouting he wanted to do �long, soulful and
mournful. He felt so utterly stupid. Severus was everything.

Sighing, he looked at the magazine and letter sitting side-by-side on the
coffee table. He blinked, thinking what they might represent. Was it a case of
past and future? One man having left him to fend for himself, the other man
striving to find him a way to live his life happily? Or were they meant to
co-exist together, sitting peacefully as they did on the table?

You cannot
ask Severus to share you forever. He deserves so much more of you than that.

Remus knew that was the truth as he thought it in his mind. Wonderful,
sarcastic, prim Severus, who disliked him putting his shoes on the bed, and
hated it when he sang cheerfully but never made him stop� Beautiful Severus,
who always fulfilled him sexually and made him feel loved. Yes, that Severus
deserved much more than a man split in half by his loyalties, even though Remus
sensed that was just as accurate a description of Severus as himself.

He groaned as he remembered he�d revealed he�d figured out that Severus
had some part in Lily and James� death, that his sudden retreat to �the good
side� had something to do with that. He�d been hoping to never let on until
Severus told him. But that, and so much else, had been blown into the open by
his big mouth.

Swallowing, he looked at the closed door, which Severus had slammed shut
an hour ago. He had no idea what was going to happen. He was meant to be going
to Severus� that night for a two week stay, something which now seemed
unlikely. This pained him even further. Remus had so been looking forward to
spending Christmas Day, Boxing Day and every day in between to New Year with
Severus. A slow smile spread over his lips as he recalled Severus describing it
as �playing house� together, and asking if he�d like him to transfigure three
gnomes into a boy, a girl and a faithful dog.

Faithful
dogs don�t always remain so. Remus checked at the thought of
Sirius� dog form and glared at the letter.

�I miss you,� he whispered aloud, looking at the magazine and letter, not
sure to which he was speaking.
- 5
- 6
- 7
You need to be logged in to leave a review for this story.You need to be logged in to leave a review for this story.
Report Story

Linger