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How Noble In Reason	By : Lomonaaeren Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male > Harry/Draco Views: 11097 -:- Recommendations : 1 -:- Currently Reading : 1
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Chapter Six�Harry
Potter Is Sorry

�� This is an
excellent report, Potter,� Binks said, and looked through the pages with a
greedy expression, as if he were savoring a few words at a time in preparation
for the feast of the full report later. �Well done. You�ll have my
commendation.� He put the report carefully aside in a stack of parchment that
looked as if it would tilt and fall from just one more addition.

�� And the
money I spent on gifts for Malfoy will be refunded?� Harry managed to make
himself ask the question in a calm voice. He sat bolt upright in the chair
before Binks�s desk, his fingers twisted together. That would keep him from
reaching across the desk to strangle Binks.

�� Maybe.

�� Harry took
a long breath and brutally reminded himself that he had been the one to accept
the commission to Court Malfoy. He hadn�t needed to do that. Binks had come up
with the idea, but he couldn�t have forced
Harry to do it that way. Or Harry could have written a �good� Courting
letter for Binks and sent a ridiculously over-the-top one to Malfoy, and that
would have solved the problem.

�� I could have solved the problem in all sorts
of ways, if I had only been cleverer.

�� Binks
nodded and beamed at him. �Of course, Potter. Could you think that we would let
one of our bravest Aurors go uncompensated?�

�� Harry
nodded stiffly and stood up, although Binks acted as if he�d like to delay
Harry and talk about the case a while. When he was near the door, though, he
paused and looked over his shoulder. �Malfoy isn�t suspected of anything else,
is he, sir? There are no other charges that the Auror Department wants to bring
against him?�

�� No,� Binks
said, turning back to the report as if drawn by magnets. Then he abruptly
looked up, eyes narrowed. �Unless you have charges that you want to bring
against him, Auror Potter. Did you sense the emanations of any Dark artifacts
while you were there? I�ll make sure to give you proper credit, and you can
lead a task force that will invade the Manor tomorrow at midnight��

�� One of
Malfoy�s parties would probably still be going on then,� Harry muttered, and
waved a hand. �No, sir, I didn�t sense anything. I simply wondered.�

�� Oh.� Binks
sank back into his seat like a punctured balloon. �No, Auror Potter. Nothing
else out of the ordinary has been reported.�

�� Harry
nodded shortly and jogged out of the Head Auror�s office, heading for his own.
There was nothing else that he needed. He had wanted official assurance that
Malfoy was off the suspect list, though, because otherwise it could have been
highly problematic for Harry to try and repair his mistake.

�� If he could repair his mistake. If he deserved
another chance to try.

�� Harry had
lain awake debating with himself about that last night. In one sense, it would
be stupid to try and make up for his mistakes. There was nothing he could do to
atone for destroying Malfoy�s trust. Malfoy would probably reject any overtures
anyway, which he had a perfect right to do. And Harry had hurt him so badly already;
why in the world couldn�t he leave him alone and let him get on with his life
in grieving silence, while Harry got on with his in much the same sort of
grief?

�� At least he
had an answer for that one. He didn�t think
Malfoy would get on with his life, in silence or loudly. He would retreat into
his world of cold expectations and endless parties and loneliness, except that
this time, the one fantasy that had given him comfort would be gone. Harry
couldn�t picture Malfoy committing suicide or dying of a broken heart or any of
that other nonsense, but he could picture him becoming a perfect automaton,
never allowing himself to experience warm emotions again.

�� Harry
didn�t want to do that to anyone. He least of all wanted to do it to the brilliant,
smiling, risk-taking Malfoy he had briefly seen.

�� But that
returned him to the same problem. How could he make up for it? Would Malfoy
even want him to? Harry would have contacted him and asked, except that he
didn�t want to put the burden of the decision on Malfoy.

�� Maybe this is what you deserve, Harry
told himself as he pushed a quill up his slightly slanted desk and then watched
it roll back towards the bottom and the great stack of reports he hadn�t yet
finished. To spend the rest of your life
mourning the chances lost and comparing everyone you date to him.

�� Then Harry
blinked and sat up, because he had just had another thought that made too much
sense to ignore.

�� It might be what I deserve, but it�s not
what he does.

�� Harry
nodded. Yes, he would have to be careful, and he would probably endure setbacks
at first, but he would at least offer Malfoy apologies and the only gift he
could think of that would possibly make up for what he had done. Or at least start to make up for it; Harry was too
smart to think that one gift would make Malfoy smile at him and welcome him
back with loving arms.

�� Maybe that
would never happen, in fact. But Harry might cause Malfoy to feel a little
better about things.

�� He wrote a
swift note to say that he was in Diagon Alley interviewing witnesses�and that
could even be true, because there were a few shopkeepers he could stop in and
ask questions of�and hung it on his door, then made sure he had a pouch full of
Galleons on his belt. As he stepped out in the corridor, he realized he was
grinning.

�� Why not? At least I know what I�m going to
try. The most important thing is the trying, not whether it works. If it
doesn�t work, you try something else.

�� Harry had
to admit, though, that he was really hoping this first try would work, if only
because it would be so expensive.

*

�� The door of
the shop gave a nasty creak when he opened it. Harry winced a bit, then decided
it was probably deliberate and an interesting substitute for a bell. He looked
around cautiously, wondering who would come out to meet him.

�� No one at
the moment, it appeared. Harry was alone in a shop that had decided to be
different from most others along the Alley. It was brighter than usual, rather
than dimmer than usual.

�� Harry had
to squint as he stared up at the crystal balls, glass globes, stained glass
window panes, mirrors, and delicate ornaments covering the walls. On a perch
directly above his head, a transparent bird preened itself with a sound of
tinkling feathers. The far wall showed a mirror in a frame so elaborate that
Harry felt his eyes getting lost in the curlicues and flowers and capering
snakes of it.

�� Mr.
Potter?�

�� Harry
looked up. They had said that the proprietor of Grimoires and Glassworks was
calm no matter who came into her shop, and it seemed to be so. At least she
showed no inclination to make a fuss over him. She was a tall woman with a
slightly unfocused gaze that reminded him of Trelawney and bright orange hair
that reminded him of Ginny. She wore a sheer robe that somehow resembled glass
without revealing her body. She halted a few steps in front of him and stared
at him.

�� Madam
Lucent?� Harry asked, just to be sure.

�� She nodded.
�Yes. What did you come here to purchase, Mr. Potter? I can�t imagine that you
have much need of crystal balls. Most of your future has become real to you
already.�

�� Harry
hesitated, then decided that he wasn�t going to pursue that particular speech.
His life had become much happier when he stopped believing that everyone who
wanted to say something strange to him was speaking the truth. �I�m looking for
one of the memory globes that you advertised last year.�

�� Madam
Lucent smiled. It made her face seem to shine and brighten in unusual
dimensions, as if she carried her own private sun around with her. �Ah, yes, of
course. They�re much more convenient than Pensieves, though I�m afraid not as
accurate. For one thing, you don�t have to worry about the memories spilling
out.� She turned around and walked towards the back of the shop.

�� What about
them breaking?� Harry asked, following her. A thing that looked like a whip
made of crystals hung from the ceiling and brushed his hair as he passed. Harry
ducked automatically, thought of asking what it was, and then didn�t. He was
here for the memory globes, and they were strange enough.

�� You can
believe that I mastered the charms that keep glass from breaking first,� Madam Lucent said, with an
asperity in her voice that earned a laugh from Harry. �Ah. Here.� She picked up
something from a shelf and turned around to show it to him.

�� Harry�s
breath caught. What she held was a glass globe perhaps a foot high and ten
inches wide, with a silver tower in the middle of it. Flecks of light vaulted
and danced around the tower like snow in some Muggle toys Harry had seen. Now
and then they formed patterns on the tower: dragons, birds, vines.

�� The base
was gold. Harry winced at the sight of it. On the other hand, at least it might
catch Malfoy�s attention and keep him from breaking it immediately.

�� How is
this different from a Pensieve?� he asked, although he thought he knew. But his
recent experiences had made him wary of being sure that he was right in any particular situation. He took the
globe gingerly from Madam Lucent and discovered that it was warm. The silver flecks
swirled up and brushed against the glass, and that made it warmer still. Harry
shivered and tried not to drop it.

�� Madam
Lucent watched him for a few critical moments without answering, as if she
wanted to see how he handled the globe before she sold it to him. Then she smiled.
�A Pensieve contains the memories that someone puts into it, and it can keep
those memories safe because, while it holds them, they are not in the giver�s
head,� she said. �That is a tactic often used to protect against enemies who
might use Legilimency on you while you�re carrying an important secret.�

�� Harry tried
not to flinch when he nodded. He knew all about that, remembering Snape�s
Pensieve and the way he had tried to protect his memory of Harry�s mum rescuing
him.

�� This globe
absorbs the memory while permitting you to retain it, so that you can still
look at it and know what it was even while the globe shows it.� Madam Lucent
reached out as if she would stroke the globe, but instead hovered her hand
above the glass. The silver flecks swirled towards her fingers anyway. �It also
can�t spill, unlike a Pensieve. And the Pensieve gives you an objective
perspective; you can see things that were happening at the same time which the
owner of the memory might not have been able to see.� She looked up and
directly into Harry�s eyes. �My globes give the person who touches them your perspective. They see and feel as
you did. The globe conveys the emotional jolt.�

�� Harry
swallowed. Yes, this was what he wanted. It would make him vulnerable to
Malfoy, of course, particularly considering the memories that he was going to
put into it.

�� But that
was the point. If Harry couldn�t repair what he had done to Malfoy, or make up
for it, he could at least show that he was willing to be equally vulnerable,
and that Malfoy could have one of Harry�s secrets to betray because Harry had
one of his.

�� It�s a
revealing gift,� Madam Lucent added. �I was surprised when you told me that you
wanted one. Are you sure?� Harry knew she was probably thinking of all the
people who would love to get hold of something like this so that they could
embarrass the Great Harry Potter, or at least get some extra Galleons not to
sell the story to the papers.

�� I�m sure,�
Harry said. �The one who�s going to receive this one is someone I trust.�

�� Madam
Lucent nodded, not showing any emotion now. �Good. To activate the globe,
you�ll need to lay both hands on it and wait until all the flecks of light rise
to outline your fingers. That�s a precaution to prevent someone from
accidentally using it when they don�t mean to. Then, think hard about the
person you want the globe to go to and the memories, in that order. You�ll feel
nothing when they pass out of you, so you�ll have to check the globe when
you�re done to ensure that it actually contains the memories you wanted to
give.�

�� Harry
frowned. �How do I do that?� He hadn�t even thought about the fact that he
would probably have to send Malfoy instructions for the memory globe. Of course,
maybe he knew how to use one already, but Harry really meant to stop assuming
things as much as possible.

�� Touch the
base of the globe with one hand, the top with the other, and lean your cheek
against it,� Madam Lucent said.

�� Harry
swallowed and tried to smile. For some reason, the vision of Malfoy that came
to mind when Harry thought of him doing that was powerful and affecting.

�� It�s probably only because he�ll be in
contact with part of you, you pervert, he told himself, and focused on
Madam Lucent again. �You�ve taken plenty of precautions to prevent anyone from
using these globes by mistake, haven�t you?�

�� Madam
Lucent shrugged, not taking her eyes from Harry. �The consequences could be
devastating if someone gave up memories they didn�t want to or saw memories
they weren�t supposed to. Yes, I don�t want my gifts to be misused.�

�� Wish I
could say that I�d never misused mine,� Harry muttered.

�� Pardon?� A
line of confusion stretched across Madam Lucent�s forehead, as if she didn�t
know for certain what she�d heard.

�� Nothing.�
Harry shook his head. �Thank you for the advice, and the information on
unlocking the globes. How much is it?�

�� The amount
made him wince again, particularly since the Auror Department wouldn�t be
compensating him for this one, but Harry still handed over the Galleons without
fussing. After all, he had chosen this gift of his own free will. He didn�t have to send it. Malfoy would certainly
not be expecting to receive it. He probably thought Harry was going to blurt
out his secrets at any moment now, or laugh at him in contempt. After all, he
hadn�t believed Harry�s apologies.

�� Why should he? Harry thought, heaving
the globe out the door of the shop. And
he�d probably burn or tear up any letter I sound, and rightfully so. He�s had
enough of my words. If I send him something that can�t be mistaken for excuses
or apologies though, perhaps he�ll listen.

�� Even when
he leaned against the globe to check that the right memories had gone in,
though, Harry tried to keep himself from hoping too much.

*

�� The letter
came early the next morning, burning through the air like a comet. Malfoy had
chosen a showy white owl to deliver it. Harry blinked and barely caught it in
time as the owl tossed it on his desk as if it were a dead mouse.

�� Harry took
a deep breath and opened the letter. The seal burned his fingers, but not worse
than a Stinging Hex would have, and in moments he had it cracked and was
reading what Malfoy had to say to him.

�� The letter
was no more than a single line long, though, and bore no signature. If not for
the fact that he had studied the handwriting on the solitary letter Malfoy had
sent him when he first authorized Harry to continue the Courting, Harry might
not have been sure who it was from.

�� Well, all
right. The subject matter of the letter would have told him that, too.

�� Why would you show me that you�d been abused
by your Muggle relatives?

�� Harry
closed his eyes tightly. Malfoy hadn�t broken the memory globe. He hadn�t
thrown it away. He had listened to Harry�s instructions about how to access the
memories, and it seemed that he�d observed most of them. If he had stopped
after the first, he might have thought that Harry had simply been beaten up by
his cousin�he probably wouldn�t even have realized that Dudley was Harry�s
cousin�and had nothing to complain about.

�� Harry
seized ink and quill and parchment and wrote back, not pausing to think about
his words. He had planned a lot to come up with the memory globe and the fact
that Malfoy would probably like to see Harry just as vulnerable as he had made
himself, but past that, he wanted to respond from his heart.

�� I sent that to you because you gave me a
secret, and I wronged you. I also have power over you because of it, something
that you must have realized. I won�t go to the papers, but I can�t blame you if
you don�t believe me.

�� Now you have a secret that has power over
me. Ron and Hermione know I was abused, but I�ve never shown them the memories.
You could give the papers very specific details if you wanted. The balance of
power is even again.

�� What you choose to do with this is up to
you. I should admit that I�m feeling upset and helpless right now, like someone
could inflict a wound on me any minute. But that�s probably how you feel, too.

�� Harry.

�� He sealed
the letter and looked up. The owl was already hovering above his desk and
snatched the letter before he could offer it, flying away.

�� Harry
leaned back in his chair and shut his eyes. The only thing he could do now was
wait, weak and sick and shaky�

�� And
hopeful.

*

�� The second
letter came as he was leaving the Ministry for the day. Ron was walking with
him, and stared slack-jawed at the white owl who winged up to Harry, landed on
his shoulder, and shat triumphantly down his back while handing him the letter.

�� Unpleasant
owl,� he commented, his brow wrinkling. �Who�s that from, mate?�

�� Harry cast
a spell to remove the owl�s shit in resignation and opened the letter. The
paper inside was bent. Harry wondered if that was simply from the pressure of
the owl�s beak, or if he could dare to imagine Malfoy pressing the parchment
into the desk as he wrote, bending it because he was so angry.

�� What the fuck do you mean, Potter? What the
fuck do you mean that you gave me those memories to give me power? I can�t have
that again. You took it from me. Giving me a gift doesn�t equal returning me to
what I was.

�� No
signature, again, which Harry was grateful for when Ron peered curiously over
his shoulder. He�d told his friends that he�d located the source of the Dark
magic in Malfoy Manor and it had gone badly, but he couldn�t reveal many more
details than that without telling secrets he shouldn�t.

�� Somebody
who likes the word fuck,� Ron said, and then suddenly looked slyly at Harry and
nudged him in the ribs with an elbow. �You�re dating someone, and you didn�t
tell me! Who�s the lucky bloke?� Ron always thought other blokes were lucky to
be dating Harry, and not the other way around. Harry didn�t intend to change
his mind about this yet. When and if he and Draco came to terms, then he would.

�� I�d prefer
not to say,� Harry said, and looked as coy as he could with an owl perched on
his shoulder and apparently staring into his brain. �I don�t know if it�s going
to work out yet. As you can see, he�s rather temperamental.�

�� I�d say!�
Ron hooted and clapped him on the back. �Well, good luck, mate. And if you need
any help in hunting him down and holding him still until he listens to you,
don�t hesitate to ask.�

�� Harry
shuddered at the mere thought of doing that with Malfoy. �I don�t think so,� he
said quickly. �But thanks.�

�� Ron kept
asking �innocent� questions and chuckling to himself until they reached the
Apparition point, where he pounded Harry on the shoulder again and vanished.
Harry shook his head and waited carefully until his emotions had settled. He�d
learned the hard way that he should never Apparate when he was too upset.

�� Today, he
learned the hard way that he should never Apparate with an owl on his shoulder
that he wasn�t thinking about. He arrived home in a storm of feathers and
outraged squawks, and had to go back to the alley behind the Ministry to find
the half a wing that he�d Splinched into the wall.

*

�� It was
almost midnight before Harry thought he�d written the right reply. He leaned
back, gnawing on the end of his quill until the small feathers stood up rather
like the ruffled back of the white owl, and read it over again.

�� Dear Draco:

�� (He hadn�t
been given permission to call Malfoy that, but Harry thought he should soon,
and this whole enterprise was one big risk).

�� I think you misunderstood me. I don�t want
to return you to what you were before. For one thing, I�m aware that nothing
can do that, and it would be stupid for me to think that I could achieve it.
For another, I don�t want you to go
back to the way you were before. Sure, you weren�t as vulnerable, but you were
lonely. I want to give you companionship if I can, and prove that I�m sorry for
what I did.

�� I want to make you stronger, instead. The
only way that I can do that is by making myself as vulnerable as you were
willing to do. I was lying all the time�not about how much I liked you, but
about my motivations for the Courtship and why I was so anxious to get inside
Malfoy Manor. I could have resisted harder when my Head Auror wanted me to
Court you, but I didn�t. I think I was already acting under the pressure of
curiosity about you. You have every right to be angry at me; I�m not trying to
talk you out of that. I�m just trying to show you the truth.

�� What you do with that truth is up to you.
Like I said, you could go to the papers. I have to admit that I don�t think you
will, but you could.

�� You could also cut off contact with me and
refuse to talk to me anymore. That�s more likely, and it would hurt.

�� Or you could use the truth some other way. I
don�t know what way that would be yet. I don�t want to dictate to you. Think
about it. That�s all I ask. You were too trusting when you revealed your
secrets to me. You owe it to yourself to be more cautious and guarded this next
time, and think about who to trust�even if it isn�t me.

�� Harry.

�� There were
things in the letter that Malfoy might take offense at, but Harry didn�t see
the point of filling the whole letter full of apologies when he�d already
apologized. This would take or it wouldn�t. It was up to Malfoy now.

�� Harry felt
uneasy about that, as if he were continually on the brink of a cliff and had no
way to step back. But since that was at least similar to what Malfoy was
feeling right now, if not equivalent, he would just have to continue on.

�� He sealed
the letter and gave it to the owl. The owl tried to nip him. Harry rapped it on
the beak and stared straight into its astonished eyes.

�� You could tell your owner that he�ll get
another gift in a few days,� Harry said softly, �unless he specifically forbids
me to send it.�

�� The owl
rose from its perch and swooped out of the window without answering him. Harry
leaned back in his chair and fell asleep in his rumpled clothes, which made him
late for work the next morning.

�� At least
his dreams were pleasant.

*

�� W�lkchen:
Well, yes. Partially because I think a purely fluffy story can�t last for long
without becoming repetitive.

�� Draco does
want to accept Harry back, but that�s at war with his logic.

�� pittwitch: Voldemort
could easily have hidden it. There was no way to open the door unless you were
Harry, most likely.

�� polka dot: Yes,
but it wouldn�t be worth the trouble of the near-inevitable Voldemort
resurrection.

�� qwerty: Thank
you!

�� Alison
July: In canon, I doubt Draco would take Harry back. But this Draco has
changed, in part because of the intense loneliness that he has experienced. He�s
a bit more human and a lot more vulnerable.

�� I_Will_Change_the_World:
Really, rather than Harry and Draco being upset with each other, both of them
are more upset with Harry.

�� luvlustblood:
I doubt that Harry lying even more would have endeared him to Draco.

�� KienaBeana:
Thank you! This chapter isn�t as angsty as Chapter 5, but the next one may be.
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How Noble In Reason