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Consequences and Complexities	By : ckllsdam Category: Harry Potter > Het - Male/Female > Draco/Hermione Views: 16322 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 2
Disclaimer: All recognizable characters and canon situations belong to the Harry Potter fandom and JKRowling. Plot and OCs are mine. I make no money from this work.

Chapter List
- 5
- 6
- 7
Chapter 6 – Feeling

Draco Malfoy’s hands were sweating and his mouth was as dry as the desert. He’d been sitting in the office three doors down from David Roy’s for all of five minutes, and he was just about ready to bolt. He wondered what new level of insanity had prompted him to agree to this. As his twitching legs bounced nervously up and down, his heels making a rhythmic staccato sound against the wood floor, he finally tensed his thighs to stand, escape now his plan. His decision was too late, by the barest fraction of a second.

The door opened just as he rose to his full height, and a tall, slightly plump brunette stepped over the threshold with a thick file tucked under her left arm. “Good evening, Draco. I’m Kathryn Roy.” She extended her right hand to shake his in greeting.

“Dr. Roy,” he acknowledged with a mumble.

She smiled. This was not the first time she’d had a nervous, apprehensive, or downright terrified patient. In fact, it went with the territory. People had more difficulty talking about sexuality than they did about nearly anything else, including their own mortality. This young man would apparently fall into the “terrified” category if the sweat beading on his forehead and upper lip were any indication.

“Have a seat. Get comfy,” she offered, indicating one of the two chairs that were placed near the large picture window with a nod of her head. As good as the view was from David’s office, this one was significantly better, due mostly to the twelve feet of uninterrupted glass. Rather than sitting behind the desk that sat perpendicular to the window, she selected the chair directly beside Draco’s.

“You look a little nervous, Draco,” she observed. “Relax. I promise I won’t bite.” Her big brown eyes, the color of dark bittersweet chocolate, twinkled with amusement. She dropped the thick file on the small glass table between them and faced the young man directly. “Today’s session will be so that we can get to know each other a little bit, and talk about some goals for your treatment. Nothing too heavy, okay?”

He nodded, swallowing convulsively.

“So, David has filled me in on your case and I’ve read the case notes. That’s the usual procedure with a referral of this sort. I want to know from you, though, why you agreed to add this facet to your treatment.” She tucked the hair of her straight, medium-length bob behind her ears, almost as if to signify “I’m listening.”

“I, uh…” he began, then stopped to clear his throat, unable to get any words past the monstrous obstruction of his dry tongue. “It seemed like a good idea at the time,” he murmured, not meeting her eyes.

“And now?” she probed.

Draco shrugged, still focusing his rapt attention on the floor. “It’s all a bit… humiliating.”

“What’s humiliating?”

“Just the thought of having to talk about my thoroughly messed-up sexuality.”

“If your sex life is ‘thoroughly messed up’ as you put it, wouldn’t you rather it get better?”

“Well, yes.” He had to admit, herf logic was sound.

“That won’t happen spontaneously, Draco. For things to get better, you have to talk about it, learn about it, and work on it. Almost like practicing a sport. You played Quidditch, right?”she asked.

“Mmmhmm,” he acknowledged.

“Were you as skilled the first time you got on a broom as you were after a couple of years of practice and game play?” she pressed.

“Obviously, no,” he reluctantly agreed, acceding to her point.

“See? Sex is no different. You need to understand the rules. Who are the other players? What’s acceptable in-bounds behavior? What gets you in the penalty box? How do you ensure that your skills are up to par? No great mystery, Draco, we just need to help you figure all those things out.”

“What’s a ‘penalty box?’” he asked, confused.

“Oh, sorry, I get my sports mixed up sometimes. That’s from ice hockey, not Quidditch. You have to sit out part of the game when you do something against the rules.”

“Hunh. Sounds like I’ve been in the penalty box for quite a long time, then. Probably appropriate.”

“That’s one of the things you’ll find is against the rules.”

His look of confusion prompted her to continue.

“No self-recriminations and no judgments. You’re here to heal, learn, and grow. You can’t do that if you’re constantly berating yourself.”

He sighed. She had a point. “Fine. So what do we do first?”

“I’d like to understand as much of your sexual history as you can remember. I know that there are lots of blanks in your memory, so don’t get too stressed about things you truly can’t recall. We’ll just work with what we’ve got for now. I’m going to ask you a series of specific questions, and I’d like you to answer them as completely and honestly as you can. I fully recognize that some of this may be a bit embarrassing, but just push through it. If it helps you to get through a difficult part, especially in our first couple of sessions, it’s okay to close your eyes and just talk. Okay, ready?”

“As I’ll ever be, I suppose.”

“I understand that you did have a physical examination with a Healer and I think you and David have also established fairly well that this is not an organic problem, so we’re going to move a little further along into background, causes, and results. In your own words, could you desc…”

Draco put up a hand to interrupt. “Excuse me, Dr. Roy, but what do you mean by an ‘organic’ problem?”

“Oh, sorry, I sometimes get ahead of myself with terminology. An organic problem would be one where the cause is likely to be physical, meaning an issue with your genitals not functioning as they should due to a disease, disfigurement or injury. The report I received from your Healer in Salem indicated a clean bill of health on any issues that could affect your sexual health or performance.”

“Oh. Yes, he told me that. I just hadn’t heard that term. Sorry to interrupt.”

“No problem, Draco. In fact, it’s very good that you did interrupt. If I ever say anything or ask anything that you don’t understand, it’s very important that you get clarification. Misunderstandings would not be helpful to your treatment.”

“I will.”

“Good. Now, as I was saying, describe for me in your own words what your problem is, and why you’ve sought treatment.”

“I have no interest in sex, and I haven’t had a willing sex partner since I was sixteen. After talking about it with Dr. Roy, I felt that this was something that I’d like to change some day, and he suggested seeing a sex therapist in addition to the work we’re doing.”

“Would you be a little more specific for me on a couple of things, Draco? When you say you have no interest in sex, what does that mean?”

“I don’t really think about sex, except in the context of dreams. I don’t get, um, aroused by seeing pretty girls or when they flirt with me. I have no desire to, uh, take care of my morning, um, erections.”

“You say that you aren’t aroused by pretty girls. Is there anything else that does arouse you?”

“If you’re asking if I’m interested in men, the answer is an unequivocal ‘no fucking way.’”

Kathryn bit the inside of her lip to ensure that she wouldn’t smile.

“Does the idea disgust you?”

“In a general sense, no. I don’t care what other people do; to each their own. You’re a witch, so you know that it’s not that big a deal in the Wizarding world, not like it seems to be with some Muggles. But I’m not turned on by men in any way.”

“Okay. You mentioned something about dreams. Tell me more about that.”

“I, uh, sometimes have sexual dreams.”

“How often?”

“A couple of times a week.”

“How often do those dreams result in a climax?”

“I’d say about half the time.”

She made a couple of notes on a pad that she’d retrieved from her desk. There would be more exploring on the details of that topic later.

“You said you don’t typically ‘take care of’ your morning erections. What else do you have to say about that?”

He shrugged. “It just doesn’t seem to be worth the effort.”

“Other than waking erections, how often do you become physically aroused to a full erection?”

“Rarely.”

“Would you be more specific? Once a day? Once a week?”

“Less than that.”

“Less than once a week?”

“Yes. Maybe once or twice a month.”

“And what happens then?”

Draco looked at her for the first time since she’d begun her series of questions. “Pardon?”

“What happens when you have those infrequent erections?”

“Uh, nothing. I ignore them.”

“Is there ever a time when you don’t ignore them?”

“Only if it’s painful.”

“What happens then?”

“I, uh, take care of it quickly.”

“How?”

She could see some frustration on the young man’s face. The questions may have seemed both intrusive and obvious, but she couldn’t leave anything ambiguous. She nodded at him in encouragement. “How?” she repeated.

“I, uh, masturbate to completion.”

“Anything that you notice about those times? Any common themes or images?”

“It’s usually after I’ve had an intense dream, but didn’t reach climax while I was still sleeping. Look, Dr. Roy, I’ve already talked about this with Dr. Roy and I’d rather not reha…”

She stilled him with a raised hand. “I know it’s difficult to talk about, Draco. But it’s important that I hear from you what your thoughts and interpretations are of things today. As we go through this process, you’ll remember different things and other impressions will emerge. If I’m to help you, I need to have a clear picture of where your head is at every step of the way.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“Oh, please, I’m not that old. In fact, with all the ‘Dr. Roys’ floating around here, it’s probably easier if you call me by my given name. I won’t be offended, I promise.”

“I don’t think I can do that…”

“If that feels too familiar, you can try Dr. Kate,” she offered. “Now that I’ve got an idea of how you view the basic problem, tell me why you wanted to be treated.”

Draco flushed. “I think that I’d, uh, like to have a normal relationship someday, and if I go on the way I have been, I’d guess that most women wouldn’t really be satisfied with a husband who couldn’t, uh, perform his marital duties.”

“Marital duties?”

“Yes. You know, siring an heir, ensuring the continuation of the family line.”

Kathryn shook her head infinitesimally. This boy definitely lived in a different world than even most of her Wizarding clientele. That he’d think first of his duty to dynastic lineage rather than a healthy relationship and physical well-being said a lot about how much work they had ahead of them. “Is that all?” she pressed.

“Well, no, I guess not.”

“Would you be more specific?”

“I, uh, guess that it would be, uh, nice to have a good physical relationship with a woman. Someday.”

“Thank you, Draco. I think I have a basic understanding of how you perceive the problem and why you’ve sought treatment. I’d like to ask you a few more questions about your basic family, health, and sexual history.”

“Fine.”

“First, tell me a little bit about what it was like to grow up in your home.”

“I suppose that I had a relatively normal childhood for a young wizard. My mother was very warm and caring, and very involved with my upbringing. My father was a little less involved. He traveled quite a bit for business when I was small, but he was usually there for important milestones in my life.”

“Were you closer to one parent than the other?”

“I would say that I was closer to my mother until I was about thirteen or fourteen, then started to be a little closer to my father.”

“What would you say was the major reason for that shift?”

“I guess it was because he started taking more of an interest in what I was doing at school, and thinking about preparing me to take my place in the family business. It was also about the time the conflict started heating up between purebloods and Muggleborn or Half-blood wizards. He was in a very powerful position, and I wanted to have his attention and approval.”

“What was your family’s attitude towards sex? Was it ever a topic of discussion between you and one or both of your parents?”

“I never had a discussion about that with my mother. I recall one conversation with my father when I was about twelve. It wasn’t terribly pleasant, though it was memorable.”

“How so? Tell me more.”

“I had found a collection of, uh, wizard pornography in his library and he was very angry with me.”

“Why was he angry?”

“Because I’d been snooping around and disturbed his things.”

“Was his anger in any way related to the fact that you’d discovered this material?”

“I don’t think so. I do remember that there were several things that I saw that, uh, confused me at the time, and I recall asking him questions. He did answer me, but in a perfunctory, clinical way.”

“So was your curiosity satisfied by his answers?”

“Not really.”

“What did you do about that, Draco?”

“It seemed clear to me that he didn’t really want to discuss it, so I asked a couple of friends from school, and they gave me some information.”

“In hindsight, was that information useful or accurate?”

“Barely.”

“How did you learn about changes that were happening to your body as you entered puberty?”

“I don’t really recall any specific conversation about that.”

“So what happened when you had your first erection, or your first emission?”

“I don’t think I was terribly surprised or upset. I grew up with a lot of animals on the estate, so there were numerous opportunities to see nature in action. There was just no discussion about it.”

“Was that how you found out about sex in general?”

“Yes, I’d say so, from a ‘nature’ standpoint. When we were in fourth year at Hogwarts, we had a mandatory session with our Head of House where he explained the relationship between sex and procreation, contraception, and the school’s policy with regard to prohibitions on sexual activity with other students.”

“Were all of your questions answered at that point?”

“Probably not. Professor Snape was not exactly… approachable. I mean, like most boys of that age, I was curious and wanted to experiment, and I suppose that I was relatively typical in the amount and kinds of playing around that I did at that young age. Most of it was looking, to be honest, with a little snogging thrown in now and again. And lots of, uh, self-pleasuring.”

“You mentioned friends from school. Tell me a little about those relationships.”

“My closest associate in school was Blaise. He and I were as near to friends as two Slytherins could get. I spent a couple of school holidays with him, including the summer that I turned sixteen.”

“What was particularly important about that summer?”

“It was the first time I had sex with a girl.”

“What does that mean?”

“Uh, intercourse a couple of times, and oral sex.”

“Eventful summer, Draco.”

“It was. It stands out even more because it’s the last time I recall consensual sex,” he admitted ruefully.

She looked at him sympathetically. She paused for a moment, thinking about how to best phrase her next question. “Tell me… what do you know about your ‘missing’ sexual history?”

Draco couldn’t meet her eyes and took advantage of her offer to simply speak with his own eyes closed. His voice came out shaky and barely above a whisper. “All I really know comes to me in brief flashes, mostly during dreams. I think you know that I was under the influence of both spells and potions for about five years. During that time, I was apparently conditioned to be a sadist, and I took every opportunity to satisfy my blood lust. I recall one incident in fairly significant detail, I think because I had a dream – or memory – of it while I was going through withdrawal from the potions. I recall the aftermath of the final attack that I made, but not the event itself. My conviction stated that I had more than one hundred eighty victims. I don’t even know for certain how many of them survived.”

When Kathryn glanced up from the note she’d been taking, she saw a trail of tears against the young man’s pale cheeks. So much for not getting too heavy today, she thought. While the mother in her wanted nothing more than to envelope the wounded young man in a hug, the therapist knew that sexual trauma victims often reacted badly to physical contact, especially unexpected touch. She settled for handing him a box of tissues, and quietly asked another question.

“Tell me what you’re feeling that causes the tears, Draco.”

He sniffed and wiped his eyes before formulating his response. “Guilt, mostly. I hate that I did what I did. I wish I could undo it. I feel so…filthy.”

“Why?”

He snapped his attention to meet her unwavering gaze. “Why? Because I hurt people. I killed people. Their pain and deaths caused pleasure for me. That’s… sick. Twisted. Disgusting. Vile. They breathed and bled their last while I got off on it. It doesn’t get any more horrid than that.” He could no longer contain his anxious energy and burst from the chair, pacing rapidly from window to door and back again.

“You said that your conviction listed more than one hundred eighty victims, and you only remember a couple of them. You’re expressing an awful lot of guilt for something that you barely recall and that the Wizengamot deemed was not your responsibility. How do you feel about that?”

“That’s the crux of the problem, Dr. Kate. My head can comprehend that I was manipulated into doing what I did, but my heart and soul feel the responsibility. I don’t deserve to be walking free when so many of them are dead and buried.” He stopped pacing and stared out the massive window on the people walking hurriedly in the chill air outside.

“So, if I’m hearing you correctly, you think you weren’t sufficiently punished?” she probed.

“Yes. No. I just… don’t know.”

“Are you punishing yourself, Draco, because the Wizengamot spared you?”

“But they didn’t spare me. She did.”

“Who is ‘she?’”

“My final victim. We were stranded alone together for a few days, during which the antidote to the potions I’d been given started to work. She helped me to figure out what was going on, and she forgave me for what I did to her. Then she volunteered to testify on my behalf. If she hadn’t been there to witness what happened as I came out from under the spells, it would only have been my parents’ word against all the evidence. She’s the one who made the difference.”

“Are you angry with her for that?”

“What? No! Why would I be angry with her? I’m grateful and unworthy of what she did to help me, but I’m certainly not angry with her.”

“What are you not saying about her?”

“Excuse me?”

“I’m hearing a subtext when you speak of her. What else is going on in your head about this woman?”

Draco harrumphed. “It’s just that I’ve known her – sort of – for a very long time, and our…interactions are very complicated.”

“Do you feel comfortable sharing a name, just so it’s easier for us to reference her? If not, you can make one up.”

“I call her ‘Granger.’ Why?”

“I have a feeling we’ll be spending a fair amount of time resolving what you’re thinking about this person.”

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Lucius lifted the tiny infant from her cradle, hoping to cease her crying before his wife returned to the nursery. Louisa had been left in her grandparents’ care while Hermione attended a meeting at St. Mungo’s for students entering the next term’s Healer training program. It was apparently time for a quick nappy change and a bit of lunch, which Lucius had promised he could handle without difficulty. Louisa’s wailing indicated that he’d not been quick enough for her tastes with either task, and he refused to be rescued – once again – by his spouse. Just once, he wanted to do this on his own.

“There, there, mon chou, Pépère has you now and we’ll get you out of that wet nappy in a flash,” he cooed, wincing briefly as he heard himself speak in such a soft, sappy tone. What this little babe had done to reduce this strapping man to such a milquetoast, he didn’t want to admit. Grateful beyond words that he was a wizard, he set the child on the changing table and swished his wand once to remove the offensive white cotton cloth and a second time to replace it with a dry, clean one. Her crying ceased nearly immediately. “That’s my good girl. Now, let’s see about getting a bottle for you.”

He cradled the baby against his chest and sat in the rocking chair, calling for a house-elf. “Tuppy, will you get a warm bottle for Louisa?” The creature returned with the requested item before Lucius could fully settle his granddaughter against his arm. Seconds later, she was suckling away, making tiny sounds of swallowing and satisfaction, Lucius watching with a very un-Malfoy-like grin. This was the scene Hermione saw when she returned from her outing not even five minutes later.

“If I took a picture of this, no one would ever believe it wasn’t a fake,” she quipped, watching from the doorway.

Narcissa appeared at her shoulder a moment later, adding, “The only thing that would do is a pensieve memory. I’m quite certain this one will be added to the collection.” She turned to Hermione. “How did your meeting go?”

“It was terrific. They gave us our book lists and our schedule for the first term, along with a summary of each course that we’ll be taking. We were able to meet briefly with the Training Healers, and they shared a synopsis of what we’ll be working on during the first six weeks.”

“You sound so excited, dear,” Narcissa commented.

“Oh, I am! It was exhilarating and I can’t wait to get started.”

“When do sessions begin, Miss Granger,” Lucius inquired.

“Four more weeks.”

“So Louisa will be about fourteen weeks old by then,” Narcissa commented. “You won’t have weaned her by then, Hermione. Have you determined how you’ll handle that?”

“My schedule has short breaks throughout the day that will allow me to use the Floo to come back for feedings. If there are specific assignments that require me to stay, I’ll typically have at least a few hours’ notice, so I’ll just be sure to leave milk behind for her.”

“And Pépère will be delighted to make sure she gets her bottle,” Narcissa chuckled.

“And Mémère will help with dirty nappies,” Lucius retorted, quirking an eyebrow at his wife’s cheekiness.

“Changing nappies with the aid of a wand cannot qualify as hardship duty, Lucius,” Hermione teased, looking at her daughter who had finished her bottle and was now falling off to sleep with her belly full and her bottom dry. She moved to lift the child from Lucius’ arms, but he waved her off.

“I’ve got her. I’ll just rock her for a few more moments then put her back in the cradle.”

“Well, if you’ve got things well in hand here for a little bit, I’ll go put away the books that I bought. I’ll see you in a short while,” Hermione announced, waving at Lucius and Narcissa as she left the room.

“It’s so… different to see you this way, Lucius,” Narcissa observed once they were alone.

He barked a sound that she chose to interpret as a laugh. “What do you mean, dearest?”

“You were never this… cuddly with Draco when he was an infant.”

“My attention was consumed with gaining power and influence. Now that I have those things, I can relax at least a little. And besides, grandfathers are expected to dote on and spoil their grandchildren, especially the first, and most especially little girls,” he argued, attempting to sound forbidding and controlled but failing miserably.

“I suppose there’s some real truth there. I remember how your father was with Draco. He’d spend hours playing with the boy, but barely had a word for you.”

“See? It’s just tradition that must be upheld,” Lucius asserted. “Besides, my father disapproved of nearly everything I ever did. At least I recognize Draco’s positive attributes along with his difficulties.”

“Will you ever really acknowledge, my love, just how much you have changed in the last couple of years?”

“But I really haven’t, Cissy. I’m just as manipulative and ruthless as I’ve ever been. You’ve seen evidence of that very recently, if you recall. I’ve just never been a grandfather before, and I’m choosing to relish in it. It’s entirely possible that she’ll be the only one we’ll ever have. I won’t waste that, and while Draco’s away, I will be as much as a father-figure for Louisa as Miss Granger will allow me to be.”

“I can understand how you feel about that, Lucius, but I haven’t given up hope that Draco will someday find a way to be a father to this child as well as one that will be his by choice.”
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Consequences and Complexities