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Lost and Damned	By : danniperson Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male > Harry/Snape Views: 24087 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, the characters or the world or anything, and I make absolutely no profit from this.

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Lost and Damned

We Only Wake Up When We Sleep

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“I really find that hard to believe Severus.”

Severus stood tall, yet not arrogantly so. He remained as respectful as he could before the Dark Lord, well aware of hushed whimpers and murmurs all around him. Lord Voldemort was on it tonight. Already so many had been Cruciated, still writhing on the ground in pain. Severus had avoided the torture thus far, but there was no telling when this meeting would end and Severus wouldn’t be surprised to be on the suffering end of that curse yet again.

Especially now. He had just finished giving the Dark Lord the requested reports, things Dumbledore had given him to give to the Dark Lord. He had to keep up his duties as a double agent, after all. Once that was settled, Severus broached the subject of being the person he needed to get close to Harry Potter. He was the only one around the boy for extended periods of time. It would be easy for Severus to “get close to him” he thought, resisting the urge to grimace. After what he had seen in that boy’s head and in his office, he did not want to imagine what these little meetings of theirs would entail. The Dark Lord, however, was questioning it and Severus couldn‘t help but raise his eyebrow in confusion, feeling his heart race and trying to calm it down. He was afraid, yes, but he couldn‘t let it get to him. He had been through this a thousand times before…He was almost used to the pain by now, and the only bad thing about dying would be the Order losing their spy. Maybe fear was the only natural reaction to such thoughts, even if it didn’t really matter much to him.

“You and Harry Potter hate one another. I’m sure McNair has a better chance of getting close to him,” the Dark Lord snickered.

Severus didn‘t let himself panic. He figured it wouldn‘t be a good enough excuse, but he had hoped it might work. He certainly didn‘t like to ponder the idea of what his only other option might inspire. “Oh, I am not entirely sure Potter loathes me quite as much as he likes ot think,” Severus said with a smirk.

“Is that so?”

“Yes, my lord…The boy’s been fantasizing about me, apparently.”

There was silence for a moment and the Dark Lord seemed both curious and pleased. Knowing it would come without much warning, Severus focused on the fantasy he had seen while digging around in Potter‘s head, pushing away the part involving seeing himself (Lucius disguised as him under Polyjuice) snogging Potter against a wall.

“Hmmmm…” was all they heard after a moment. The Dark Lord slowly grinned, an evil and malicious smile that caused most to hold their breath, not sure if they should be relieved or more afraid. “Perhaps it wouldn‘t be too difficult for you to…get close to the boy.”

“Of course, my lord,” Severus said, bowing his head slightly and almost hesitant to bring up the next part. “I‘m not sure I could go too far. I‘m sure even Dumbledore would have a problem with me breaking certain school…policies.”

“Yes, well, do what you can. Do not disappoint me, Severus…this could be exactly what we need,” the Dark Lord said with that same grin in place, his red eyes far too mischievous for anyone to feel any sort of comfort.

“I will not. Thank you, my lord,” Severus said, bowing again and stepping back, watching as Avery stepped forward to present his own ideas or worship or whatever it was he had to offer. Severus paid little attention, only listening for anything that might spark his interest, or more importantly, the Order‘s.

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“Bloody hell!” Harry hissed, waking up from yet another dream.

It was only a couple of days ago that the incident involving Lucius Malfoy took place, and everything involving Snape had been particularly awkward. Neither had broached the subject of what had taken place, only focusing on the lessons. Snape didn‘t even try to taunt him or anything. Dumbledore had informed Harry of what Snape was supposed to start doing, though Harry figured they‘d be waiting until some of the tenseness faded away. If it ever did, he couldn‘t help but think after. It was downright torture being around Snape, feeling so embarrassed, knowing what the man knew and had seen.

He was really going to have to talk to someone about this. This whole thing was worrying him to no end…He‘d snogged Snape! Well, actually he had snogged Lucius Malfoy, but he thought it was Snape. And he had liked it. And that little incident had created quite the dream that night. It was a fantasy far more realistic and arousing than any other fantasy he had entertained. It made him wonder even more what it would be like to kiss and feel the real Snape. And he felt bloody mad because of it! Who in the world thought things like this about Snape?

Harry summoned his watch and looked at the time and sighed heavily. He wasn‘t going to be able to talk to anyone for another few hours, so with a deep sigh he laid back down and closed his eyes. He laid wide awake for at least an hour, thinking of what their next lesson might be like, after hearing what Dumbledore had told him and seeing that particular meeting. He drifted off into more pleasant dreams than those of seeing random, faceless Death Eaters being tortured. He dreamt of just how close he and Snape could get during their lessons.

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“I must admit, I am surprised you didn’t say anything, Lucius.”

Severus eyed his old friend as he brought over two glasses and his favorite bottle of cognac, pouring them both a healthy bit. Lucius slowly sat down, his silvery gray eyes avoiding his old friend. “I figured Dumbledore might have mentioned something,” he murmured, not sounding quite himself.

Severus cocked an eyebrow. Dumbledore had mentioned that he had taken care of things, but he never went into detail about what had taken place between himself and Lucius Malfoy. Nothing too pleasant, Severus imagined, by how distant and strange Lucius seemed.

Lucius shifted in his seat, taking a long sip of his glass. “He promised he’d keep Draco safe,” he explained quietly.

“From who?” Severus asked before he could stop himself, feeling old anger boil up over the mentioning of the subject. Lucius shot him a dirty look, though he didn‘t quite seem to have himself in it.

“I don‘t know whose side to be on. I don‘t know where it would be safest. My best is on the Dark Lord, but that‘s just my opinion. But…if I‘m wrong…I want to make sure Draco is covered. That he remains safe,” Lucius murmured.

Severus had many comments on the tip of his tongue, about fatherly love and how ironic it was he was so worried about Draco‘s well-being with all he did to him, but Severus kept his mouth shut. He and Lucius had had a bit of a falling out not long ago over a discovery Severus had made just last year during school. Severus was one of very few people who knew Lucius‘s dirty little secret. Purebloods tended to be rather traditional, and it was very wrong to them to think of two men or two women being together. Lucius spent much of his time at school making a rather colorful reputation of sleeping with every female he could manage. It was all done in denial of the fact that he was much more inclined to men. Severus recalled he and Lucius had been each other‘s first experience, expressing their true sexuality to one another. Even through him marrying Narcissa on his family‘s insistence and Draco’s birth, they carried on an affair for several years until they came close to being caught. Lucius had grown scared and pulled away. Severus didn’t mind…He hadn’t exactly been in love with the other man or anything. What did bother him was Lucius falling off of the wagon and instead of finding a proper whore for his denied needs, he was using his own son.

Draco had never quite come out and said it, but between his talks with Draco and confronting Lucius, it was very clear what had taken place. Draco seemed too confused over the whole matter to be upset, but Severus had been furious with Lucius for daring to do that to his own son, Severus‘s very godson. They had gotten into a fight over it, and Lucius at least had the courtesy to feel some remorse over the whole thing. He doubted Lucius had stopped after that and he doubted he would stop, but at the very least he felt some shame for what he was putting his own son through.

“Hmmm,” was all that Severus could manage to say as he downed his own glass of cognac. Such a Slytherin thing to do, wasn‘t it? Play both sides and hoping one of them was the winner. Severus very much doubted it would turn out to be such a good idea, but he wasn‘t much for optimistic thinking. If the Dark Lord found out, Lucius, Narcissa, and Draco would all be in a lot of trouble. And what was Lucius going to do when the Dark Lord wanted Draco to take the Mark? Neither side was exactly safe to be on, though, he had to admit. And Severus had every faith in Dumbledore to take care of supposed lost causes.

Severus eyed his nearly empty glass, watching what was left of the cognac slosh around at the bottom, wondering why he had even come here. His mind almost immediately supplied the answer. He wanted to know more details about that night a few days ago that Dumbledore was denying him. He wanted to confront the man about what he was doing to his own son. There was a lot he needed to say to and ask of Lucius. They had been close friends for as long as Severus could remember, but what he had done to Draco was almost unforgivable. For one thing, Severus did truly care for the boy…He had watched him grow up and everything. Then Severus knew very well what it was like to be abused…Maybe it wasn‘t the same situation…Tobias had never touched Severus in that way. Tobias Snape had, however, hurt his son and his wife. His childhood had been traumatic, to say the least. Severus could see that the situations weren‘t identical, but he knew he could understand some of it. A parent selfishly using their child in whatever way they wished to make themselves feel better. It didn’t matter what excuses Lucius or Draco came up with to make it seem okay (Lucius never hurt him! He was always careful! And Draco had consented to it, and everything!), it was still rape and it was still abuse and no matter how awful Lucius Malfoy was, Severus could still hardly believe he would go so far. He had seen and done many things in his life as a Death Eater, but this situation felt far too personal for Severus‘s liking.

Just thinking about it made Severus want to leave, but before he could say so, Lucius began speaking. “At least you know where to go if you ever get lonely, my friend,” he muttered with a small smile, pouring himself another glass. Severus raised an eyebrow and Lucius just chuckled. “The Potter boy! You‘ve been instructed by the Dark Lord and the headmaster to…get close to the boy and he‘s been having wild fantasies about you…There‘s no ha--”

“I’m not you, Lucius,” Severus snarled in a low, angry tone that startled Lucius. Lucius gave him a cold look.

“He‘s not your son,” Lucius shrugged, though Severus could tell the comment bothered him deeply.

“He’s my student! He’s James Potter’s son! He’s fifteen years old! And I, Lucius, am not desperate enough to take it wherever I can get it,” Severus snapped, standing up and finishing the last of his cognac. “Good night, Lucius.”

“Severus! W--!” Lucius began, but Severus had already Disapparated.

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Lessons with Harry and Snape went on as they usually had the past couple of days. They started off practicing a bit of defense in the cleared living room in Snape’s private quarters, the only place the man could think of with enough space to allow them what they needed to do. Knowing what at least part of the man’s private quarters looked like didn’t help Harry at all with his situation involving particularly unsettling fantasies. Not only did he have the Potions classroom and the man’s office to imagine, but the beginning of these Defense lessons had given him Snape’s living room to think about. Once Harry was thoroughly exhausted Snape took the time to probe around in his head. They usually did Occlumency lessons in the office, Snape wanting Harry in his living quarters as little as possible, but there was no real reason to move all the way back to his office just for these lessons, especially now that he had orders from two very powerful wizards to befriend the damnable boy.

Harry hadn’t improved much in Occlumency at all. Snape got a good view of Harry and Ginny’s conversation from a few days ago, involving Hermione still having feelings for Ron. There was a detention with Dolores Umbridge Harry had had when Snape was out for a week, one of his supposed-to-be free nights from these lessons. I must not tell lies appeared in angry red letters on his hand. More making out with Hermione. Flashes of the last Death Eater meeting he had seen that soon melted into the more naughty dream that had followed when he went back to sleep. The moment a very naked Severus Snape appeared in his mind, the connection was broken and Harry stumbled back and caught himself on the wall while Snape rubbed his temples, muttering to himself. Harry thought the caught the word “pervert” in there and Harry couldn’t help but blush and busy himself looking around the rooms and anywhere but the Potions master.

There was a long and awkward silence in which neither man looked at or spoke to one another. Harry just stood there, looking around the room while Snape busied himself at a bookshelf. All of the furniture was pushed up against a wall while they had been working and Harry studied everything carefully, imagining what the area might look like with everything set up (Snape usually already had everything out of the way, the time Harry arrived). There was a cream colored rug rolled up, sitting on top of the old dark gray couch. There was a set of matching, dark mahogany coffee table and side tables. On the other side of two of the tables was a very new and comfortable looking chair, a color so dark, so on the verge of black, Harry couldn’t tell what it was. It was definitely some sort of color, but if it was dark blue or green or purple or red or orange or anything, he could never really tell. He at least thought of it as every one of those colors at least once, but in the dim firelight that usually lit the room, it was hard to tell for sure and he would feel so silly for asking.

All of a sudden, everything moved. Harry was surprised, but did his best not to jump. Magic may have been something he had been around for a few years now, but that didn’t mean it was easy not jumping every time something started flying somewhere. Harry glanced up to see Snape holding his wand as all of the furniture arranged itself nicely in the spacious room. The rug was a lot bigger than Harry originally thought, starting right in front of the fireplace and stretching out several feet. The coffee table sat on top of it while the rest of the furniture was placed just outside of it. “Have a seat, Potter,” Snape said reluctantly, taking a seat on the mysteriously colored chair. Harry swallowed hard and nodded, not sure if he was more excited or scared for their little friendly time. He slowly moved to sit on the side of the couch closest to where Snape sat, tensing a bit when he felt the man reach out close to him. Harry turned to watch the hand retreat, but found a small vial of a vivid red liquid on the side table. “Rub it on your hand,” Snape grunted.

Harry raised his eyebrows in confusion before he realized what Snape was talking about. He didn‘t let himself put too much thought into it as he took the vial and spilled a small bit of the potion onto his fingers, gently rubbing it over the visible scar on his hand where Umbridge‘s evil quill had marked him. The potion was thick and felt a bit gritty the more he rubbed it into his hand. It burned a bit, but no worse than cleaning out a wound with Muggle alcohol. He held the two fingers he had used to rub the potion in up for a minute, not sure where to put the excess before deciding to rub it off on his trousers. He heard Snape snort and he just rolled his eyes, shifting uncomfortably on the couch. The couch itself was fine…Probably one of the nicest, most comfortable couches he had ever sat on…But the entire situation was rather awkward. Harry didn‘t know what to do or say…They were supposed to talk and play friendly, but neither of them seemed to know where to start.

The burn in his hand seemed to dull and randomly started tingling after a moment. Harry glanced down at the scar which seemed even uglier and redder than before and his jaw dropped a moment before it slowly darkened and the small space over the words turned black and after another moment faded and lightened until his skin was clear, only a few pink marks remaining, showing there had been anything there at all. “Oh…Umm…Thank you, Professor,” Harry murmured after a moment, running his fingers over where the scar used to be. It felt very smooth and oddly cold (considering his hand felt warm still). It was a bit sensitive, but all in all he figured it was going to get better.

“You are welcome, Potter,” Snape said uncomfortably, then after a moment. “You can take the rest with you, should you need it again. And if you ever need more…Feel free to ask,” he offered and Harry smiled softly. He knew this was bound to be hard on Snape…The man was used to being a snaky, evil bastard the majority of the time. Playing nice and social just wasn’t very him. Harry almost wanted to offer to leave, but he didn’t exactly have a say in the matter. Even if it was uncomfortable for them both, they were going to have to deal with it and find a way to get better about it.

“So…Umm…What color is your chair?” Harry asked lamely, almost immediately regretting asking that question.

Snape raised his eyebrow coolly. “What color does it look, Potter?”

Harry felt heat rush to his cheeks and he couldn’t decide if he wanted to glare at the man or not. “I can’t really tell. That’s why I asked,” he replied, struggling not to snap or sound as rude as it was tempting to sound. “It’s…Kind of dark in here.”

With a sigh, Snape flicked his wand and the room lit up brighter than the usual firelight. Harry blinked, getting used to it for a moment before looking at the chair. It was a deep forest green that seemed fitting, and didn‘t look nearly so dark or close to black as it had earlier. “Oh okay…I…Just wondered,” he muttered, scratching the back of his head.

Awkward silence fell over them again. Harry fidgeted where he sat and tried to ignore Snape. Sadly, he was very much aware of the man…Every movement, every sound…Committing everything to memory and trying hard not to think about all of those fantasies he had had for months now and trying to ignore how nice it had been when Snape (or rather Lucius, actually) had kissed him the other day and how badly he wanted to kiss the real Snape. Stupid teenage hormones. This was the last thing he wanted to think about at all, and especially not in the same room as the man who occupied most of his dreams.

Snape cleared his throat after a moment. “That Umbridge woman is an insufferable wench. That woman’s superiority complex is astounding.”

Harry couldn‘t help but grin, staring at his nearly cleared hand for a moment. “Yeah, she is,” he agreed, though he wasn‘t really sure what else to say. He wracked his brain for a moment, not wanting the almost unbearable silence to continue. They needed to have some kind of real conversation work out. “She‘s awful. I honestly don‘t know who everyone hates more…You or her,” he said teasingly.

Snape smirked in amusement and for once it wasn‘t at Harry‘s expense. He allowed himself to relax a bit. “Should I be worried? I am awfully fond of my reputation,” the man said smoothly, his own voice betraying hints of humor. Harry swallowed hard and just smiled and nodded, trying not to notice how very sexy the man‘s voice was or how much he enjoyed listening to the man speak, even if he was being a bastard. It was a horrible thought to even have…No one should enjoy anything about Snape. Right?

“I don’t know, sir. I mean, she’s only scarring us physically. She hasn’t scarred anyone mentally yet, I don’t think,” Harry assured him with a smile. The man was notorious for scaring younger students and intimidating most people he interacted with. He was mean and awful and pure evil in the eyes of many. Harry didn’t quite view him so badly anymore, and while it bothered him sometimes, right now he couldn’t find it to care so much about his thoughts and feelings for the man, just enjoying the civility while he could.

“How kind of you, Mr. Potter. It will not get you a better grade in my class, but I do appreciate a bit of sucking up.”

“I wasn‘t sucking up! I was trying to be nice!”

“Exactly. You were trying to suck up.”

“That’s it. I take it back. Umbridge is the nastiest git alive and you’re a…a…fluffy…bunny rabbit.”

“……That was highly uncalled for, Potter.”

“Sorry, sir,” Harry chuckled, pleased to find that Snape hadn‘t blown up and was actually enjoying this nearly as much as he was. It was almost hard to believe this was actually happening…Sitting in Snape‘s private quarters, joking around with the man, insulting antoher professor. It was perhaps the most interesting and enjoyable experience of his life thus far.

“As well you should be. I should take House points for that.”

“Well as long as you’re not going scar me with an evil quill, that’s okay.”

“It would not do you well to give me ideas, Potter.”

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Their mouths pressed together desperately as they moved to the bedroom door, doing their best to kiss and walk and pull off each other’s clothes at the same time. Black robes fell to the floor outside of the bedroom and a red and gold tie was tossed out just seconds later. Neither had patience enough to take their time. Being around each other as long as they had had been too much, especially now that certain attractions were now known between them. Both men were more aroused than they had ever been and they could hardly stand it. It took only a few more seconds for the rest of their clothing to be tossed aside hastily and without care before they fell onto the bed together. Snape pushed Harry onto his back and crawled over him, pressing their hips together firmly, naked flesh meeting for the first time, their throbbing cocks pressed against each other. Both moaned deeply into the kiss.

“Fuck me,” the boy gasped.

Snape just chuckled. “Such impatience,” he murmured, trailing his lips alongside Harry’s jaw and down to his neck. Harry lay trembling beneath him, clutching at him desperately and moaning and whimpering in need. He couldn’t take it anymore. Snape could hardly handle it, either…But he was going to. Long, strong hands trailed over that young body while his lips moved a fiery, wet trail down his small body.

“Now! Please! Fuck me…Now!” Harry gasped. “God! Merlin! Please…Severus…Please…”

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Severus sat up, gasping for breath and grasping his chest, feeling his heart racing beneath his palm. His black eyes were wide, staring around the dark room and reaching over to touch the other side of his bed, just in case. No…That was definitely just a dream. Severus glared down at the tent in the blankets, hating himself immensely for getting aroused by that. How could he even have that sort of dream? About Potter?! It was just as unbelievable as Potter having those sorts of dreams about him! Severus had made a good point to Lucius earlier. He wasn‘t a pedophile. He did not go after young boys or his students or anything like that. It was wrong. It was illegal and against school rules and…Hell, it went against his morals! Everything about ti was so wrong.

He felt dirty enough as it was just enjoying his time with the boy. Once Potter had left, Severus tried to convince himself he hadn‘t enjoyed it…That it was all an act for everyone who expected it from him. The awkwardness had been horrid, but even worse was actually relaxing so easily around that twit! Now that brat‘s ridiculous dreams were rubbing off on him. Severus slowly laid back down and glared up at the dark ceiling, almost reluctant to go back to sleep. Glancing at the time, it was half past four in the morning. He had gotten a good three hours of sleep so far…He really didn‘t need much sleep to be okay, though. He contemplated getting up and busying himself versus trying to go back to sleep. For fear of similar dreams, however, Severus tossed back the blankets and slid out of bed.

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Author’s Note: I hope everyone’s enjoying it so far! Please take the time to leave a review…I would love to know everyone’s thoughts on things so far :)
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Lost and Damned