Adult-FanFiction.org : Harry Potter

Controlled Emotions	By : LeviosaHex Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male > Harry/Snape Views: 23984 -:- Recommendations : 2 -:- Currently Reading : 5
Disclaimer: Disclaimer: I did not create the Harry Potter stories or universe and I do not make any money from this

Chapter List
- 5
- 6
- 7
A/N Thanks to all my reviewers you guys are great.

I would like to clarify about something in the last chapter since a couple of you mentioned not liking the lesson in what was normal. I maybe haven't made it very clear the way I wrote it but I did not mean it to come across that everyone had to be the same. Harry has this thing about not having a "Normal" life. He sees himself as abnormal, as a negative. I agree we are all different and we should be. What I was trying to say is that we should not be hung up with what our society says is "normal" that we should accept our differences as our normal and be happy with who we are. Hope that makes sense? LH xx

Chapter 6 – Hate

Day 4 Continued

2030hrs Gryffindor Tower

Harry stormed out of Snape's bedroom, vaguely aware of Syrus hissing as he past through the bright foyer. Glittering whites and greens now seemed incongruous in relation to the dark mood pulling at his soul. He wanted to scream, to punch something, to hurt someone, to hurt Snape. Emotions consumed him, blacking out all rational thought. The intensity of it made his body shake, his gut clench, and his mind close down.

Harry had no recollection of the walk to Gryffindor Tower, and as soon as he arrived he wanted to turn on his heel, and head back to where he had just come from. He wanted to kill the greasy git that had caused the feelings surging through him. Struggling to remain in control, he stormed through the cosy room that was the Gryffindor Common Room, and ignored the calls from his friends to join them in front of the fire. He walked past a group of younger students, who were sitting round a small study table playing exploding snap, and heard worried gasps and comments about how upset and angry he looked. Scowling, he increased his pace, and practically ran up the stairs to escape hearing any further comments. No doubt they were remembering the last time he had displayed such outward emotion, Harry realised. That had been a couple of years ago after the TriWizard tournament, when he had released an uncontrolled burst of magic that wrecked the Gryffindor Boys dorm What he felt now was similar to that fateful night. He felt used, manipulated, weak, ashamed, disgusted and angry, along with an intense loathing that scared him. What was even more disturbing was the deep yearning desire he felt to be still in Snape's bed, to feel the weight of the man's body press against him, to be held by strong embracing arms, to feel warm lips on his. The desire made the intensity of all the negative emotions seem much worse somehow than they had two years ago.

Pulling the deep red drapes that surrounded his bed back, he sat on the edge of his bed, clenched his fists into tight balls, and rocked back and forward in an attempt to control the build of magic growing in his chest. It was a rhythmic motion in time to his aching heart. The movement caused the air around him to move and wafted a smell that was a combination of Potions, sweat and sexual arousal to his keening senses. It was not just his own arousal but a mixture of his and the man whose arms he desperately wanted to be still wrapped in, the man who he never wanted to see again. It was an intoxicating scent that made Harry moan, and it did nothing to calm the hardness in his trousers or the coldness slowly creeping into his heart. Harry didn't know how long he sat like this, but he didn't hear the soft click of the dormitory door as it opened, or the slow hesitant footfalls approaching him. He only became aware he was no longer on his own when a gentle hand started rubbing comforting circles on his back, stilling his incessant motion.

"Harry, let's get you out of here," whispered Hermione as she pushed strands of damp sweat soaked hair out his face. The tone of her voice was tight and betrayed a concern tinged with fear. Harry, ignoring her, resumed his rocking, albeit to a slower pace, and tried to slow his heart, deepen his breathing, and will away his obvious arousal. A moment later he felt his friend cast a quick healing charm on his hands. A pain, he hadn't registered was there, disappeared. He had obviously punched something hard, and he hoped it had been Snape's face. However, as soon as he thought of Snape's face, an image of deep black eyes, burning with desire, flashed in his mind and his cock twitched back to full life again.

"Oh God," Harry growled at the unwelcome sensation.

"Come on Harry, you either need to calm down or we need to get you away from the castle. You are scaring me a little. I can feel your magic build, you must control it."

"I am controlling it Hermione. Leave me alone. I'm fine." Harry hissed out through his clenched teeth.

"You are not fine. Let's go for a walk. Talking something through can help. Please let me try to help you," Hermione pleaded.

"You obviously think I am in danger of destroying Gryffindor Tower or something! I am not a child anymore, I am an adult Wizard, and I do have full control of my magic," Harry spat out hatefully.

Hermione maintained her composed outward image the only telltale sign of her discomfort at Harry's tone was a slight tensing of the muscles in her back and the stilling of her hand on his back.

"I know you are an adult, but we can all be pushed to a point where we could lose control. You are a very powerful Harry, and it is dangerous for you to get this worked up. It does not mean I think you are lacking in control, or are a child. However, you being in the tower, in this state, has frightened some of the younger students. They have only heard the exaggerated stories about how powerful and raw you magic can be when you are angry. So for their sake, if not for your own, please just come for a walk."

"Fine." Harry growled, grabbing his jacket as he started toward the door.

"Harry?" Hermione said quietly as his hand fell on the doorknob.

"What?"

Hermione grimaced at the sharp retort, but fluttered her fingers over her mouth as she did so, and pointedly dropped her gaze to Harry's lips.

"Oh fuck!" he muttered under his breath when he realised his lips were swollen and numb. Hermione whispered another incantation. A charm to reduce swelling Harry realised as a tingle ran over his red abused mouth. His tongue flicked out unconsciously and tasted Snape as it did so. It was an intoxicating flavour of peppermint, vanilla and sandalwood, and his arousal and hatred increased as if they were joined at the taste. How could he have wanted Snape? How could he have kissed him and gotten so aroused by him that he had almost let the bastard fuck him? How could he still want him? He really did still want him Harry admitted to himself as an anguished sob escaped him. Snapping his eyes open, in an attempt to ward off the memory of soft lips pressing against his, he scowled at Hermione, turned on his heel and stalked from the room.

Crossing the common room moments later, Harry became acutely aware of the silence that had fallen in the normally noisy room. The only sound was a gentle crackle of wood burning in the large stone fireplace. Glancing at the familiar faces of his housemates, he saw flickers of fear dance through their eyes as they met his. Dropping his gaze, Harry focused on moving his feet forward and leaving the common room as quickly as he could. He did not want to see any more evidence of the fear he caused. How had he become someone who could cause such fear? He didn't want people to be afraid of him, and it saddened him that he was capable of harbouring such negative destructive emotions. He wasn't the person he wanted to be. He hated what he had become – of what Snape had made him.

2100hrs – The Grounds of Hogwarts

Harry slammed his way out into the corridor and made his way toward the loch, his gait was stumbling and rigid. Other students moved out of his way as he went, gaping after him, and whispering once he had past. The stress of holding back his magic was starting to tell, and by the time he got to the loch's embankment his whole body was vibrating. He needed to destroy something. He hoped that if he released his magic in a controlled way it would help dispel the tension.

Pointing his wand at a nearby boulder he shouted, "Reductio." The boulder instantly disintegrated with a loud bang leaving only a shifting pile of sand in its place. Spinning round he set about reducing more rocks to dust, but the venting of small bursts of magic did nothing to appease the building tension he felt. In fact, it only seemed to increase it. Spell after destructive spell was cast wordlessly since his jaw was now clenched so tight he could not open it to speak. Piles of sand littered the once rocky shore, and were interspersed with small craters in the ground where he had missed his intended target.

"Harry! Please stop!" Hermione screamed.

Harry turned erratically and pointed his wand in Hermione's direction. Her brown eyes widened in fear and she froze. Her fingers twitching near her wand pocked the only movement in her tense body. Harry hated Snape more in that moment than he thought was possible, he had turned him into someone who even his friends feared.

A pain shot through his scar the moment the cause of his hate entered his thoughts, a pain so severe, he dropped his wand and fell to the ground clutching his head. Images of sitting in the potions classroom as a small 11 year old child flashed though his mind. It was the first potions class he had ever had. Snape was sneering at him, telling him, he was nothing special. The memory faded and was replaced by one of Snape sitting behind his desk hissing at him about how stupid and reckless he had been as he read from the Prophet. That had been the time he and Ron had flown to school in the enchanted Ford Anglia. The memory quickly moved on again. This time he was slightly older, but was still in Snape's office, and the Professor was telling him that he was a spoilt, arrogant, selfish brat, that he was exactly like his father, and how he must think he was better than anyone else. The memory was the from his 3rd year after he had sneaked into Hogsmead without permission, but it too faded only to be replaced by the memory of a fight he had with Malfoy in his 4th year, but this memory didn't finish. The intrusion into his mind abruptly ended, and the pain in his head receded. He knew, however, that it had been another memory that had ended with the Potions Master treating reminding him how arrogant and stupid he was.

Harry lay unmoving where he had fallen, trying to pull in air in shuddering gasps; he had obviously held his breath through the pain and his lungs burned. He realised that all these awful memories where he had thought he had truly despised Snape, was nothing compared to how he felt now. Something deep within him clicked into place. It hadn't been hatred he had felt for Snape back then, it was a desire for the man to like him. He had always been saddened and confused by the Professor's obvious hatred of him. It had upset him that he could cause such loathing in someone who did not know him. This knowledge only served to remind Harry what a stupid freak he was. How could he have wanted to be accepted by an evil git like Snape? None of that changed the present though Harry thought. He hated Snape now all right, but it was tempered by an equal loathing of himself. He hated himself for allowing Snape to get to him, for being so desperate for affection that he had ended up in the position of being rejected from the man's bed of all places. Snape knew he longed to have someone who would care for him, to be accepted. Indeed, he had mocked his unquestioning love for Sirius a few years ago by saying he must be desperate for affection to accept an offer of family from a man he didn't know, from a madman who had just escaped Azkaban.

Harry realised now that Snape had been correct, not that his love had been misplaced when he gave it to Sirius, but he had given it unreservedly before he knew the man. A man who everyone thought was a murderer, a man who had only escaped prison to kill him, to finish off the job he had started, the job he had accepted from Voldemort.

Snape obviously wanted to teach me a lesson. Teach me that I give my affection away too easily. Make me see how my need for love and affection has made me weak and impulsive. How dare he use ... Harry's thoughts were abruptly cut off as he heard quiet voices close to where he lay.

"Miss Granger, help me get Potter back to the castle."

Harry snapped open his eyes when he recognised Snape's quiet but none the less commanding voice, and jumped to his feet, grabbed his wand, and pointed it directly at Snape in one fluid movement.

"Don't come anywhere near me, you sick fuck," Harry spat out.

"Harry!" Hermione admonished "We only want to help you!"

"You are as fucked up as I am if you believe this git has ever wanted to help me!"

Harry could feel his anger and hatred fill him. Along with it the tightly wound ball of raw magical power made its presence known again. The very air surrounding him seemed to crackle.

Snape drew his wand, quickly flicking it at Hermione as he did so, and a protective shield shimmering into existence around her. Snape moved forward and stood between Harry and his friend creating a further barrier between them.

"Come on Potter do your worst!" Snape sneered as he slowly advanced on him.

"Professor Snape! Harry! No!" Hermione lunged forward in an attempt to come between the two wizards, who currently looked as though they were squaring up for a duel. Snape grabbed her roughly and threw her to the ground behind him.

"Get back, you stupid girl!" Snape growled without taking his eyes of Harry, who let out a blood curdling scream at seeing his friend mistreated in this manner. The tightly wound ball in Harry's chest doubled in size rapidly, and exploded outward in an immense rush, as his control snapped. Harry was only dimly aware of an incredible force leaving his body before blackness overtook his conscious mind. His crumpled body hit the ground a second later with the sound of Hermione's screams ringing in his ears.

Day 8

0830hrs - The Infirmary

Harry woke slowly with every muscle in his body aching. He tried to open his eyes but the light was too bright and it seared through his head like a knife. Groaning in pain, he snapped them shut again.

"Harry, are you awake?" The concerned voice of his friend reached him.

"Uhh...my head," Harry said thickly. His tongue felt swollen, and his throat was raw.

"Madame Pomfrey! Harry is awake!" Hermione squealed making Harry flinched at the noise.

So I'm in the Infirmary he thought as he tried to gather together any memories that might tell him why he was here, but they fleeted just out of reach. He heard the familiar rustling of the starched white robes of the mediwitch as she approached his bed.

"Mr Potter?" A cool hand touched his brow, but it did nothing to ease the pounding pain.

"My head..." he managed to get out before sitting up abruptly and retching. The severity of the pain made his stomach churn.

"Drink this and do try to keep it down. You are suffering from a magically induced migraine from the reckless release of all your magic in one burst. I would have thought you would have managed to control that temper of yours by now Mr. Potter. You are lucky you didn't turn your brain to mush."

Harry had no idea what the Mediwitch was talking about, but he didn't care at the moment. He just wanted the sick pain to go away, so opened his dry lips willingly when a cold potion vial was pressed against them, and drank the disgusting gloop in one go. His stomach lurched as it went down, but he breathed slowly through his nose trying desperately not to retch again.

Thankfully the potion worked quickly, the pain began to lessen almost immediately, and his stomach calmed.

He flopped back onto the bed but didn't dare open his eyes again in fear that the pain would return.

"What happened 'mione? Why am I here?"

"Shh, we can talk about it later. You need to rest."

"Hermione" Harry ground out slowly in a tone that held a clear warning that he wanted her to tell him now.

"Now is not the best time to discuss what happened. I need to get to class, and you really do need to rest."

Harry opened his eyes cautiously at the nervous sound in Hermione's voice.

"Just tell me Hermione. I can't seem to remember what ..."

Images of lying half naked in a cool bed with Snape lying shirtless between his legs, slammed to the forefront of his mind, cutting off his demands.

"Oh fuck." Harry closed his eyes again as he remembered thrusting his hard cock in to Snape's hand, begging him to release his aching member, begging him not to stop.

"Mr. Potter! There is no need for language like that. If you continue to speak that way, I will refuse to treat you any further."

Harry groaned "I'm sorry," he whispered. The Mediwitch scowled and huffed as she moved away from his bed.

"I know what happened, Harry. I...I spoke with Professor Snape. He told me..." Hermione paused stuttering nervously.

"He told you what? He told you what he did, did he? What... I did..." Harry remembered that he had wanted Snape, that he had been the one that had almost begged to be fucked, that he had pushed for more than a kiss. Even knowing this Harry could not let go of the hate he felt toward the man. Snape should have never let things get to that point. It had been sadistic and cruel to use sex as a means to teach him a lesson in control. The Greasy Git truly was a sick bastard.

"Well, he didn't tell me exactly what happened, but I could guess from what he did say." Hermione blushed and hung her head.

"What exactly did he tell you," Harry hissed through gritted teeth.

"I don't think we should talk about this here Harry," Hermione said glancing round.

Harry reached over to the bedside table where Madam Pomfrey usually put a patient's wand when they were in bed sick, but his wand wasn't there.

"Where's my wand?" Harry asked a little alarmed, feeling vulnerable. He never went anywhere without it.

"Oh Professor Snape has it. He thought it best he kept it until you could talk with him about what happened."

Harry growled.

"How dare that bastard take my wand, he has no right!" Harry turned back to his friend with anger flashing in his bright green eyes.

"Cast a silencing charm Hermione. You are going to tell me what happened, and what exactly that git told you," Harry demanded, feeling his emotions spiral again.

Hermione sighed in exasperation, but cast the charm as requested. She knew better than to provoke Harry, since he didn't always need a wand to wreak havoc when he got this upset.

"Try to stay calm, Harry. Professor Snape didn't tell me much really, but because you had already told me what had happened between you the previous few nights, I kind of put two and two together. He...he really didn't say an awful lot...well actually he did... but not a lot of if made any sense...I doubt he even remembers speaking to me."

"Stop talking in bloody riddles Hermione. What. Did. He. Tell. You?"

Hermione took a deep breath.

"He only said that it was his fault you were so distressed, that he had taken things a bit too far before he managed to control himself. He was really upset Harry."

"Upset! He was upset? Ha! Upset my arse! That man doesn't know what it is to be upset, he isn't capable of feeling anything but maybe a vindictive loathing for me! As for taking things too far, too fucking right he took things too far! He intentionally went out his way to humiliate me!"

"I don't think that was his intention Harry. He really did seem quite distressed."

"Yeah right! Of course it was his intention to hurt and humiliate me! It has been his sole goal in life since I came here! I am sure whatever made you think he was distressed was just a cover up at his amusement at getting me to practically beg him to fuck me!"

Hermione gasped "Oh Harry! I...I...Merlin... I'm sorry...I didn't realise things had gone that far!"

"What the hell do you think got me into this bloody state? A few kisses? Ha!"

Harry growled and hung his head at Hermione's shocked expression.

"Look I don't want to talk about this. Didn't you say you had a class to go to, in fact, shouldn't you be in Potions or are you so chummy with Snape now that he will let you skip his class?" Harry was seething, and since talking to Hermione wasn't helping he just wanted to be alone.

"Potions started 10 minutes ago Harry, and no I am not chummy with Professor Snape. I am sure I will get the mandatory detention for missing his class, but this is more important, you are more important."

Harry huffed, deflating a little with the genuine care and concern in his friend voice and eyes.

"Look, all I know is that Professor Snape was genuinely upset, and he wasn't pretending. He couldn't have been. He was under the influence of a rather strong concoction of pain killers at the time. Madame Pomfrey made me leave when she realised he was becoming distressed, and was telling me things. She said that it was an invasion of his privacy, since the potions would make him say things he might not otherwise reveal."

"What? Why would he be under the influence of strong potions? And why were you with him?"

"Do you not remember anything about what happened a few nights ago?"

"A few nights ago?"

"Oh...you have been unconscious for 3 days Harry. It's Monday morning. You pretty much drained your magical core. Madame Pomfrey has kept you asleep since Thursday night saying that if you woke up and tried to use magic too soon it might cause irrevocable damage to your core."

Fleeting memories of being down at the loch and throwing reductio at anything he saw flashed before him and he took a deep breath.

"What did I do Hermione? I...I don't remember much after leaving the dungeons." Harry's anger and hatred deflated some more and was replaced with a sick feeling he always got after he lost control.

"Well you were really worked up. I think you tried hard to reign in an uncontrollable build of magic but you didn't quite manage it. I think you might have though, if I had not gone and got Professor Snape to help me calm you down." Hermione grimaced and hung her head.

"That maybe wasn't the smartest thing I have ever done, but you had collapsed holding your scar and I was really worried. Professor Snape's rooms were closer than the Infirmary so I went there first and I thought he would be more capable of defending himself against any outburst you might have once you came around." Hermione fidgeted in her seat, clearly worried that she had made a mistake in getting Snape to help her.

Harry closed his eyes; the memories of that night were coming back. He could now clearly remember the feeling of an outward rush of magic leaving him after he witnessed Snape pushing Hermione to the ground.

"He threw you to the ground and called you stupid. I just..."

"He was trying to protect me Harry. He had surrounded me with a Protago shield, but when I saw how angry you were at him, I thought that it would be better if I approached you, but he wanted you to let go of your anger and hate, and he wanted you to let it go on him. He said later that he deserved it."

Hermione continued to fidget uncomfortably in her seat as Harry looked at her in confusion and tried to make sense of what she had said.

Taking another deep breath Hermione continued, "He told me that you had reached a point of no return, which you had to release it in one blast, that there was no other way. Otherwise, you ran the risk of internalising it, where it would slowly destroy you from the inside out. He also said it gave 'The Dark Lord' an easy path into your mind or something. I don't really understand what he meant by that, but you had collapsed holding your head, so I presume he was right. You were still lying screaming in pain when we got back to you. Professor Snape muttered some spell that sounded like occlutomentis, I presume from the Latin he shielded you mind, although I can't find the spell referenced in any books." Hermione still refused to look at Harry as she spoke.

Harry frowned at finding out there was maybe a simple spell that could shield his mind, but Hermione had started talking again, so he decided to ask about it later.

"Anyway as soon as the spell was cast your pain seemed to go away, but when you saw Professor Snape...well you...you could actually hear your magic crackling Harry." Hermione looked up with sympathy clear in her eyes.

"Yeah I remember. Is...is...he... all right?" He might hate the man Harry thought but he didn't want him dead.

"He's fine. Madam Pomfrey released him on Friday night. He was here earlier to see if you were awake yet, but he had to go prepare for our potions class so left."

Harry looked up at Hermione and frowned.

"He was here...to see me?"

Hermione nodded, "He really is upset by what happened, Harry. Not that he has said much about what happened since he stopped taking potions for pain. In fact, he hasn't said much to me since that night, but I know he is. He sat by your bed on Saturday night, I don't think he knows I saw him though. I came down after curfew to see if you were all right. Madam Pomfrey said I could because you had been a bit unstable over the day and I was worried about you, but when I got down here Professor Snape was sitting by your bed. He looked...well... he looked upset and worried."

"I'm sorry to have worried you Hermione but as far as Snape being upset, he bloody well should be, he crossed the line that night. I know I need to understand and control my emotions better but he didn't need to do what he did to make me see how impulsive and reckless I can be."

"I don't think teaching you control is all that is going on here Harry. Can you not see that maybe he found it difficult to control the situation just as much as you did? He is...well you know... human too... he is an older more experienced man... having you...well you said you begged him...? "

Harry nodded and closed his eyes again, clenching his fists in the crisp white sheets as the memory of being in Snape's bed returned.

"That can't have been easy for him. I don't know how far he let things go before he stopped... but he admitted to taking things too far before he managed to, so I can imagine... but would you have preferred it if he had just done what you asked without trying to make sure you were 100% alright with it first? I personally think he did the right thing, don't you? I am not defending him or anything, but you have to try to see it from his perspective too," Hermione had regained some of her usual lecturing tone whilst she spoke but still looked uncomfortable.

"You are making it sound like it was entirely my fault! Yes, I did want him. I can't deny that, but Merlin, he only let things happen because he wanted to make a fool out of me. Don't you see? It was his way of teaching me a lesson. He doesn't really want me like that!"

Hermione sighed and took hold of one of Harry's hands.

"If things got as heated as I imagine, then I am sure you might have noticed whether he wanted you or not Harry, there are ways to tell you know." Hermione gave him a small smile trying to lighten the mood.

"Merlin Hermione...god... just because he was maybe...you know...doesn't mean anything."

"I am just trying to make you see that it might not be as straight forward as you think. You have always looked for the worst in Professor Snape, and you have been wrong every time. I am not saying he has made it easy to trust him, but he has never been guilty of the things we have accused him off, in fact, generally the opposite has been true."

Harry knew that Hermione was right; he had Snape to thank for still being alive after all. The man had saved his life on more occasion than he cared to think about, but he was sure he was right about this. There was no other rational reason for it, since the man had always hated him and had even called him ugly! Snape's arousal had just been a physical reaction to having an idiot writhe about under him.

"Think of it another way Harry. What if in, a couple of years time, you met some guy a bit younger than yourself who had never been with anyone before and things started getting a little bit more physical than you thought he was maybe ready for, would you just go ahead and have sex with him, just because he asked you to in the heat of the moment, or would you hope you had enough presence of mind to slow things down, to make sure he was happy with what was about to happen, that he wouldn't regret it in the morning?

"That's different... I mean..."

"Just answer the question Harry."

"Well of course I would want to make sure he was all right with it, but hopefully I wouldn't let things get to the point where he was begging for it in the first place. Not if I was older and more experienced!"

"You really can't be that naive Harry, so don't pretend to be!" Hermione let go of his hand, and sat back in her seat in exasperation.

Harry groaned and covered his face with his hands. Hermione had a point. He had just been too blind to see it; too quick to jump to conclusions about Snape's intentions - again. Snape had been just as aroused as he had been, just as vulnerable. He hadn't laughed at him or told him to leave he had only tried to slow things down a little, and give him a chance to control how far things went. He had been right to. Harry knew that now, even though, at the time, he had wanted Snape to fuck him, he knew that he hadn't been ready for that. He accepted that he was gay, but he wasn't really at peace with it yet, he needed more time to adjust to this recent revelation. The fact that he seemed to be attracted to Snape was even more alarming, he could not begin to accept this to be true never mind finding peace with that knowledge. If the older man had done what he had asked of him, he would have woken up in the morning regretting it. The fact that he regretted his uncontrolled outburst of magic was easier to handle than admitting he had lost control of his sexual impulses. But he had lost control of his sexual impulses Harry realised and if it hadn't been for Snape questioning him he would have let the man do anything.

Hermione left after giving him a fierce hug telling him to rest, and assuring him that everything would be fine. Harry didn't understand Hermione's unquestioning friendship, couldn't grasp why she would continue to want to help him. Why would she want to be friends with such a pathetic loser that only brought her danger and fear, someone who had no control of their body or their magic? The question led him to appreciate that he could not understand why anybody would like him. He didn't feel he deserved to be loved or cared for the way his friends seemed to love and care for him, since he had given them nothing in return but grief and stress.

Harry came to the conclusion over the course of the day, whilst lying in the peaceful confines of his hospital bed, that Snape had been right. He did have an unhealthy view of himself, had always had a negative self image, had always craved acceptance from others to alleviate the pain he felt at being different. He realised that unless he learnt to accept himself, and be at peace with who he was and the role he had been given, he would never trust anyone that showed him any kind of care. How could he when he didn't believe he deserved it.

He spent the entire day in bed thinking over all that had transpired in the last week and focused on trying to assemble a clearer picture of who he was. Trying to accept and be at peace with every aspect of his life. Tentative tendrils of peace edged into his aching heart as he, for the first time, accepted his life for what it was.

Snape did not show up in the Infirmary again, and in many ways Harry was glad, but part of him longed to see him, to speak with him about what had happened, and to make sure he was all right. He still believed that Snape had used sex to make him see his inability to control his emotions and he still hated him for doing so, but the fact that Snape had been as equally hard as he had been, niggled at the back of his mind. Surely if the only thing on the Professor's mind, had been to teach him a lesson then he wouldn't have been so aroused, but Harry pushed the thoughts away, since he needed to focus on understanding himself and not second guessing Snape's motivations at the moment. He should have listened to what the older man wanted to say before running off. He shouldn't have jumped to conclusions like he always did when it came to anything to do with the git, but the man made had made it difficult to trust him over the years. The fact that he had saved his life numerous times was an enigma that never seemed to sit right amongst the sadistic taunts, unfair accusations and sneering.

1650hrs Dumbledore's Office

Harry had been released from the Infirmary only moments before, and Madam Pomfrey had informed him he was to attend the headmaster's office immediately on his release. It was with no small amount of dread that he climbed the spiral staircase, since he was surely in big trouble this time. Dumbledore had told him over the summer that he would be extremely busy this year, that he would not have much time to meet with Harry but would try to see him once or twice over the term. The Headmaster wanted Harry to concentrate solely on his studies and training this year, to prepare for the inevitable escalation of the war when he graduated and not worry about Order business until he had completed school. But here he was, climbing the staircase to the old man's office only one week into the new term, and he had no misconception that he was attending a social meeting.

Harry stepped through the open door at the top of the stairs, and Fawkes squawked in greeting as he entered, ruffling his golden plumage as he pranced on his perch. Harry watched the bird as he took another step inside the room, closing the door quietly behind him. Dumbledore was not behind his desk, but voices could be heard coming from the Headmasters small living area which lay behind a closed door to Harry's right.

Edging his way into the office the clear resonating baritone of Snape could be heard clearly.

"I must insist, Albus. I cannot continue teaching Potter after what happened on Thursday night. Surely you must accept that I am not the right person for this task?"

Harry held his breath on hearing Snape's deep pleading voice. Harry thought he sounded desperate to make the older wizard release him from the task that meant he would have to spend more time alone with him. Harry closed his eyes hoping that Dumbledore agreed to Snape's request, just hearing Snape's voice confirmed that he was indeed attracted to the man. Being alone with him was never going to be a good idea now he accepted that fact, he would never find peace if he had to regularly spend time with him out of class, not while he wanted him so badly, not while he still hated him.

"Severus, what transpired on Thursday night only reinforces my reasons for believing you are indeed, the correct person to teach Harry to keep Voldemort out his mind. Unless you are willing to explain to me what happened between you and the boy, I am sorry but I must refuse your request. You will continue finding ways to teach him in the evenings that doesn't arouse too much suspicion."

Severus growled, "It is not my place to divulge the nature of our...disagreement but it should be suffice to say, it is most inappropriate for me to continue teaching him, and I am sure once you meet with the boy he will confirm this. I fear I may have misjudged my approach to his lessons and find myself at a loss as to how to correct the damage I have done. Only you can maybe manage that now."

"I cannot correct damage caused by something you are unwilling to tell me about. You are the only one that can do that Severus, in fact, it is imperative that you do, and quickly. Failure in this matter puts us all at risk."

Harry heard the unmistakable sound of Snape's robes swishing as he turned to leave, and Harry's heart jumped into his mouth. He darted back to the door he had just entered through and opened it as though he had just arrived. The last thing he needed was to be caught eavesdropping on the two Professors' conversation. Just as he opened the door, the tall black forbidding figure of Snape stalked into the office, but as soon as his eyes met Harry's, he stopped abruptly in his tracks and his eyes widened slightly before he growled and brushed past him down the spiral staircase. Harry watched him go and wanted to run after him. He wanted to tell him he was sorry; sorry for jumping to conclusions, sorry for not waiting to hear what he had to say, sorry for pushing him into intimacy, in the first place, sorry for lashing out at him in anger and hate, sorry for not trusting him.

Harry's thoughts were cut short as the Headmaster's hand touched his shoulder.

"Harry my dear boy, come in and sit down. You will have plenty time to speak with Severus later. Do not worry about him. I am sure he will forgive your outburst, as I am sure you will forgive whatever it was he did to cause such a reaction. He isn't always the easiest man to get along with." The Headmaster chuckled slightly as he spoke and peered at Harry over his spectacles his eyes were glittering with amusement.

"Headmaster how...how can you laugh at what I did? I could have killed him!"

"Ah indeed I am sure you could have, if that had been your intention but you should know better than I, that hurting people really isn't in your nature. Your magic, as uncontrolled as it was, always knows your intentions Harry, even if you conscious mind may not. You merely stunned him. Granted it may have caused him a little pain as every muscle went into severe shock but it was nothing he couldn't handle. I can assure you he has dealt with worse."

Harry sighed and flopped down into the comfortable armchair opposite the Headmaster's desk.

"So, you're not going to expel me for attacking a teacher then?"

"No Harry, not when that teacher obviously provoked you in some way. I would like to have a better understanding of what Severus did that angered you but alas he has been most unwilling to divulge what happened between you."

"It wasn't entirely his fault, at the time I thought it was but it wasn't. I would rather not discuss it though, if that is all right."

"Of course, but I do implore you to make your peace with Severus soon. I do not think I have seen him quite so upset in a long while. He can become rather unpredictable when he is like this and I need him to keep his mind focused, now more than ever. It is imperative that you continue your lessons with him, as it is becoming more important you understand how to block your mind from further invasion by Voldemort. In fact it is crucial you succeed Harry, otherwise I cannot include you in the Order once you graduate, it would be too dangerous for you to have any information regarding our war efforts, since it would leave us open to attack."

"I understand that but apart from Thursday Voldemort has never actually managed to see any of my memories, the connection has always been as thought I had entered his mind, you know as if I was the one casting the Legilimens. I had thought it might be of some benefit to the Order if I could see what he was doing. You know it did save Mr. Wesley's life, I didn't appreciate that he would be able to send me false thoughts like he did with ..." Harry cut himself off not wanting to say Sirius' name.

"Indeed you are correct. If Voldemort had not discovered that you have some sort of connection to his mind, it would have been of benefit but he does know Harry, which gives us a bit of a problem. Have you ever wondered why Voldemort has been unable to access you memories? Can you think of a reason why he managed for the first time on Thursday?"

"I haven't thought about it. I have always presumed he thought that if I believed he couldn't read my mind I wouldn't learn how to block him and if I didn't learn to block him then he would have the ability to plant false information again."

"That is possibly true, but if that was the only reason, why do you think he sent you any further false thoughts since the incident at the Ministry, and why did he enter your mind on Thursday?"

"I don't know Sir. I still have nightmares and can feel what he is feeling at times but they are such horrible negative emotions. I have learnt to control them I suppose, you know not let them bother me as much. I focus on good memories and push all the anger and hatred that he feels away. Sirius told me once that I could choose whether I let his negative, destructive emotions consume me. That I could choose to ignore them and focus more on positive things."

"That, my dear boy, is exactly why Voldemort has not been able to access your mind to either read your thoughts and memories or indeed give you false information. It has been the power of your love for people that has made your mind something he cannot understand. He cannot gain entry into something he has no understanding off. However the strongest of love, by its very nature has the potential to turn into the strongest of hate. Love can motivate us, but when wronged it can quickly consume, and it is this you must learn to control. Otherwise you will lay us all bare should hate ever creep in."

Harry frowned.

"But Headmaster I thought that to be able to Occlude, you needed to be able to not feel any emotion at all, whether good or bad?"

"Ah yes that is correct. Master Occlumens like Severus have learnt to effectively switch off all emotion, but it is not a particularly healthy state to be in when practiced as frequently as he unfortunately has to, but it is the only reliable method known to shield one's mind from intrusion. However there is another way that I believe would make it possible for you to at least close your mind to Voldemort just as reliably. It is this that Severus has been trying to teach you last week. This method solely relies on you being able to recognise any negative emotion at any given time, to not only recognise it but change it into its positive counterpart. By doing so Voldemort will have nothing he understands to latch on to. He cannot understand, let alone feel anything based in positive emotion Harry, it confuses him, thereby effectively blocking him from penetrating your mind. In short your mind would become a very uncomfortable place for him to be. I must warn you however, this controlled emotion approach will not help you Occlude in general. Someone who has the equal ability to understand and feel positive emotion would still be able to penetrate your mind."

"So is that why you chose Professor Snape to teach me, because he has no understanding of positive emotion?"

The Headmaster looked at Harry with sad eyes and shook his head.

"No Harry, Severus' capacity for love is much greater than even you or I may understand. You will never overcome a Legilimens cast by him unless you do manage to learn how to completely empty yourself of all emotion. You by nature are a very emotionally driven person Harry and I do not wish to devoid anyone else of that trait."

Harry frowned, what the Headmaster was telling him about making every emotion positive, made sense, but why was it imperative that Snape teach him if he had no hope of blocking him from his mind when they practiced.

"You look confused Harry is there something I have not explained well?"

"No you have explained it well enough I think and I understand what you are saying, it makes sense. The first time Voldemort ever managed to see my memories was on Thursday night when I was filled with the worst anger and hate I have ever felt towards someone. That was no coincidence was it?"

"No Harry it was not."

"What I don't understand is why it has to be Snape that teaches me if I have no way of blocking his Legilimens, I mean how will we know I have mastered this method and why does he continue to test it by casting Legilimens on me."

"I wasn't aware he had been using Legilimens on you during your most recent lessons with him; he agreed that doing so would be of no benefit; however he must have had a good reason at the time if he did so. As far as why it must be Severus that teaches you; if you think about it Harry, it really is not very difficult to work out why it must be him."

Dumbledore tilted his head slightly whilst raising his eyebrows in a questioning manner, his blue eyes twinkling over his spectacles.

"Now I do believe it is time for dinner, so on you go. I have other things to which I must attend. I will be in touch soon." And with a clap of his hands he was gone.

Harry stood looking at the empty space Dumbledore had just vacated, his words ringing in his ears.

Snape really did want me to hate him. He intentionally pushed me into the worst state of negative emotion I had ever experienced.

Harry shook his head and took a deep breath as he snapped out his thoughts; he was in danger of allowing all the negative emotions return. There was no point in trying to second guess what Snape had been thinking or why they had ended up in bed together, he needed to speak with him. It was a conversation he dreaded, but he knew it was one he was going to have to have soon.

1735 hrs Great Hall

"All right Ron?" Harry said trying to appear happy and relaxed as he slid along the bench to where his friend was sitting.

"Oh so you have decided to talk to me today, have you? Feeling a bit bad about almost killing my bloody girlfriend, are you? Do you think being nice to me will make me forget about it you git?"

"What? I didn't almost kill your girlfriend Ron."

"Yeah right, so why did she spend the majority of the night in the bloody infirmary then refuse to tell me why she was there? I'm not completely fucking stupid. The whole school knows you lost your bloody temper again. You could have hurt her Harry!"

"Hermione was never in any danger Ron, she took me to the Infirmary and stayed while I was treated, that's all."

"So what got you so bloody worked up this time? Has someone else died while you fight another Dark Wizard?" Ron sneered.

"Ronald Weasley! How dare you bring up something like that!" Hermione said as she approached them, shock clear in her voice.

"Why shouldn't I? Neither of you tell me anything about what is going on. I may as well just say what everyone else is thinking anyway."

"Ignore him Harry no-one is thinking anything like that." Hermione put a comforting hand on Harry's shoulder whilst scowling at the sulking red head.

"Snape was missing from class on Friday so the talk is that Harry had a fight with him, you know decided to take out at least one death eater while he had the chance."

"Professor Snape is not evil, as well you know," Hermione hissed quietly "and please keep your voice down. This is not something we can discuss here."

Harry really didn't want to discuss it at all, and especially not when Ron was in one of his moods. He didn't want to lie about what happened but he didn't want to tell him the truth either.

"Look Ron, I am sorry I haven't talked to you much since we got back. There are has been some things that I have been having problems with all right. I shouldn't have lost my temper the way I did but I did and no matter how much I want to change that fact I can't. I promise that I will tell you what's been going on as soon as I can get my own head around it," Harry said trying to stay calm and not to become irritated with his friend's attitude.

Ron scowled, picked up his plate and moved up the bench a little to sit with Ginny.

"He will calm down Harry. You know how irrational he can be when he feels left out. He does care about you, it's just that he's not very good at showing it."

"I know. Look, why don't you go sit with him, it might help him calm down a bit. I would rather be on my own just now anyway. I will catch up with you both later."

Hermione nodded as she stood, giving his hand a gentle squeeze as she did so. Before she left she pulled out a sealed piece of parchment and slid it onto the table beside Harry's hand.

"I was asked to give you this message. Please try and stay calm, whatever it says, all right?"

Harry nodded as Hermione turned to leave.

The message must be from Snape. There was no one else that would give Hermione a written message for him not that would make his friend think he might become upset by its content at any rate. Picking up the note Harry glanced up at the head table and his eyes immediately met with Snape's dark uneasy gaze. Quickly looking away he put the letter back down and grabbed his cutlery. He tried to appear calm and collected but his heart rate increased just knowing Snape was watching him. He tried to focus on eating something before he fainted, since he couldn't remember the last time he had anything to eat and although he was sure Pomfrey had given him nutrient potions while he was unconscious, they were never as good as eating a meal.

He managed to eat a little, but his mind kept wandering to the letter sitting beside him and to the man who had written it, the man he knew was currently still sitting watching him. He could almost feel Snape's eyes burn into him. Quickly glancing back up at the head table his suspicions were confirmed. Snape was staring at him, but as their eyes met again the older man snatched his gaze away and focused on his food. It appeared as though he was having just as much trouble eating as Harry was. Putting his knife and fork down he decided to just open the letter and get it over with, he might be able to eat something if he at least knew what the message was about he decided.

Ripping open the seal he saw it was a longer note than he had expected, it had also been written using a spell rather than by hand so the writing was not recognisable as anyone's in particular and there was no opening salutation or closing signature.

I find myself in the unfortunate position of having to write to you in an attempt to explain some things that you were unwilling to listen to previously. Before I begin however, I make no apology for the manner in which I write. I am sure you understand the need for ambiguity in this matter.

I assume that you still feel about certain things the way you did the last time I saw you, and may indeed believe that I am due you an apology. However, in all honesty, I cannot give one, since I do not regret any of what transpired.

My actions were not designed to cause you any distress. What occurred had nothing to do with our task, even if it did produce the desired result. Whatever you believe, I am not so cruel that I would resort to using such methods with the intention of causing anguish. Such interactions should only ever be conducted with positive outcomes in mind; otherwise it becomes destructive and toxic for all concerned.

I would like to have the opportunity to speak with you directly, but I appreciate it would be a rather difficult conversation, not only for you, but also for me, since I am not entirely sure I can give you reasons for what has occurred. If it is not your wish to have this conversation, or continue what was started, then you only need to ignore this letter. Should I not hear from you by tomorrow evening I will inform the other person concerned with our task that he will have to make other arrangements for it to be completed.

I have returned an item that belongs to you, which I took for safe keeping. It is where you would normally keep it.

Harry's hand flew to his wand pocket and felt the comforting shape of his wand nestled there. His eyes darted up to the head table and met with Snape's for the briefest of moments before the normally stoic man squirmed in his seat, stood abruptly and strode from the room through the staff exit.

Harry's heart was hammering as his eyes fell back to the letter in his hands and he read it through again. Any last vestiges of hate he harboured for the man fell away as he realised how difficult it must have been for him to write such a thing. A soft, warm hand fell on Harry's shoulder, making him jump slightly.

"You look a little shocked Harry. Is everything all right?" Hermione asked gently as she glanced down at the letter.

"Yeah. I think so." Harry pushed the letter toward her as she slipped in beside him again, which earned her an angry scowl from Ron who still sat a few places away.

Hermione sat quietly reading the neatly typed script for a few moments.

"Wow that is..."

"Yeah I know a bit weird eh?"

Hermione quickly cast a silencing charm that surrounded them in a low buzz. Ron scowled again, threw his fork down and strode from the room.

"Weird? No Harry it not weird, its lovely, the person who wrote this put a lot of thought into what to say. Considering who it came from it must have been very difficult for him to write."

"Yeah that's what makes it so weird."

"Why would anything that was obviously written from the heart be weird Harry?"

"Well considering it is to me from...you know...it is a bit strange Hermione," Harry said laughing.

Hermione laughed with him "I suppose it is... a rather unexpected turn of events, but it most certainly isn't weird, not if the words are meant, not after what happened between you."

They both stopped laughing and sat quietly for a moment.

"What are you going to do?" Hermione asked.

"I don't know. I am not sure about...how did he put it...continuing what was started! Although he is probably just talking about the lessons and not anything else that we started. It's a bit unsettling to think that he could mean anything else. It would be better if we never saw each other again, not alone anyway."

"Why would that be unsettling, surely you must have known what he wanted for days now, like I said earlier there must have been certain evidence that he...you know... wanted that..." Hermione blushed and laughed in embarrassment as she spoke.

"Yeah well, there was, but god Hermione, it's too much to take in... too big..."

Hermione laughed harder.

"Merlin that's not what I mean, you have seriously got a filthy mind! I was going to say it's too big a change in how I have always thought he felt about me and what I thought I felt about him."

"I thought your perceptions of him changed the moment he kissed you. You have had a week to come to terms with how he makes you feel."

"Yeah well I haven't really thought about it. I have been more focused on what it meant for me in general. I really did believe he only did what he did to make me realise certain things about myself, you know not because he felt anything for me in return."

"Like he says though, it would have been rather cruel of him to use physical intimacy just to teach you a lesson in emotion. I have never thought him to be that sadistic, especially after we found out why he must put on a show of hating you. It has been quite clear for years that he doesn't really hate you, far from it in fact."

"If I'm honest I think I have known that deep down for a while. You know he has always had the capacity to hurt me more than he should have with the things he says in class, I think it's because it makes no sense. He has done so much to protect me over the years, each time he saved me from injury or death he made me feel like I mattered, not because of this bloody scar or my history but it was like he cared or something crazy like that. I know that sounds mad after the way he has treated me, but he makes me feel safe. No one has ever made me feel safe, not even Sirius. I think I..."

Harry cut himself off as the shock of what he was about to say ran through his body in an alternate hot cold shiver.

"You think you... what, Harry? Hermione said smiling.

"Eh yeah mmm just that I feel safe that's all."

Hermione raised her eyebrows at Harry's obvious discomfort, but did not question him further much to his relief. He couldn't quite believe he was about to admit he would miss the bloody git when he left Hogwarts, but it was true though he thought, a little startled by the revelation. I will miss him. I want him in my life. I need him.

"So are you going to respond to the letter?"

Harry pulled out a spare piece of parchment and his quill from his bag and began to write, the decision on whether to respond or not seemed obvious now.

A/N Please review! xx
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