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Survivor's Guilt	By : SpeedyTomato Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male > Harry/Lucius Views: 34080 -:- Recommendations : 3 -:- Currently Reading : 4
Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter nor do I make any money of this dark dance of Harry Potter fanfic.

Chapter List
- 5
- 6
- 7
Chapter 6

Beta'd by the amazing Tenchi. Thanks, Tenchi, you're the best!

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Word of warning:

Some of you are going to very unhappy with some of the things said in this chapter about a couple of very beloved characters. I'm going by Harry's perspective at this point with them and weaving what was canon in the books, something that might not have shown up in the movies. That I'm not sure of, since I'm not a fan of the movies and the last three I didn't watch more than once. I'm not making any of it up or creating some of what Harry says about it. Flaming or bitching about it to me will just be ignored and reported.

-That Tomato Person

Driving towards his apartment, Dudley kept trying to get Harry on the mobile but there was no answer. Though that didn't overly concern him as there could be several reasons for it, such as being in a part of his house that made it to where the phone didn't work well, he was still worried about his cousin. Something was off with him in a big way. The signs he was seeing from Harry bothered him in more ways that he could count. All his mind could latch onto were talks in high school about signs that could mean someone was pondering suicide. Though he hadn't paid much attention to those talks when they happened, he did remember some of the warning signals put out and his cousin seemed to be showing a few of them. With how Harry was now, as closed off as he seemed to be, that worried Dudley.

A couple blocks from his apartment and several calls that went unanswered later, Dudley made an abrupt U-turn then headed towards Grimmauld Place. It wasn't that far away so it was no hardship. As he was certain that he would just worry more when he got home if he still couldn't raise Harry on the mobile, he felt this was the best way to handle it. The whole thing was probably nothing, just Harry having an off day like so many did, but he wanted to know for sure to put his mind at ease.

Navigating the well known route, he pulled his car into the park across the street then locked it up before making his way over to the house. Harry, once they were on good terms, made sure he was keyed into the wards. As far as he knew, he was the only Muggle that could actually see the place. Stepping up to the door, he knocked and waited.

As expected, Kreacher answered. The strange little being seemed relieved to see him. That, in and of itself, was odd. Filing that away, Dudley asked, “Harry about, mate?”

Nodding to the cousin of his master, Kreacher said, “Master Harry is out back in the yard. You needs Kreacher to take you there or do you knows the way?”

“I know where it is, no problem.” Dudley told him with a smile. Actually, hearing Harry was out back made him feel better about the whole thing. Usually, when Harry was in the backyard, it was because he was flying. Whenever something bothered his cousin, it was usually shoved aside when he did that and he was in a much better frame of mind when finished. After a nod towards Kreacher, wondering, not for the first time, about the poor things name and how it came about, he headed through the house to the backdoor. While doing that, he glanced around to see if anything was 'off' in a way that might be waving warning flags. From what he could see, though, everything appeared to be as it normally did. Things were where they belonged and it was clean. He knew that Kreacher took care of most of that but, still, there might have been something.

Stepping outside, he expected to see Harry in the air but found him just sitting in one of the chairs, staring at the ground. That worried him. Though he couldn't see much of his face, what he could had something of a morose look on it. As Harry hadn't seemed to have heard him come out, he walked over then sat down by him clearing his throat. With a startled look, Harry looked at him then seemed to relax. “You alright, mate? I've been trying to call you but no answer. Of course, since you're out here, I know why.” There was no reception on the mobile in the backyard because of the amount of magic that had been used to expand it then maintain the expansion.

Looking at his cousin, Harry gave a wan smile then said, “I'm fine. Just have some thinking to do. Nothing to worry about.” Leaning back in his chair, he took a sip of his butterbeer and stared out over the lawn, not really seeing it. The planning he was doing was drawing him away too much for him to focus on other things right now, hence the reason he left. Not to mention that he just didn't want to be around anyone right now if he could at all help it. It was best to be alone with how he was feeling.

Nodding, Dudley didn't say anything. That, honestly, worried him. He was heartened by the fact that it wasn't a real beer his cousin was consuming. For quite some time now, Harry's drinking had been really bugging him since he knew whatever was behind it was something troubling. At the pub, his cousin hadn't consumed much of it nor, did it appear, that he was here either. Maybe he was learning that there was a problem and he was cutting back. Taking it as a good sign, he grinned then asked, “Mind if I get one of those? They are great!”

“Sure. Want something to eat? I know it's about dinner time,” Harry offered, summoning Kreacher.

“Yeah, mate, that would be good. Save me the time and trouble of cooking for myself when I get home,” Dudley nodded.

When Kreacher popped up, Harry asked him to bring Dudley the drink then requested that supper for both of them be served out here.

As always, Kreacher nodded then popped away, returning seconds later with the requested butterbeer then setting up a table with a dinner of beef wellington with all the fixings.

Rubbing his hands together and grinning since this wasn't the kind of meal he was apt to fix for himself, only getting such a thing when he went to his parents' house or to visit Aunt Marge, Dudley dug in with gusto. He wasn't so involved, however, that he didn't notice that Harry only seemed to pick at his food, making it changes places on the plate more than he was eating. That just added to the pile in Dudley's mind of things that really seemed to be off. Harry, since he had become reacquainted with him, ate very well and regularly, though still as rail thin as he used to be. He supposed that it was making up for things with what his life had been like with them growing up. Along with that, the skinny part, probably had to do with some kind of damage done during that period. As long as Harry was eating well, Dudley supposed that it wasn't anything to worry about. Hence the reason the not eating bothered him so much.

After taking another bite of his food, seeing his cousin basically shove the plate away with a look of disgust on his face, Dudley asked, “You sure you're alright, mate? Or isn't the food agreeing with you?”

Sipping at his butterbeer, Harry shook his head, “Just don't have an appetite right now is all. Nothing to worry about.”

Nodding, Dudley didn't say anything to that but it bothered him. Having been around Ron, he knew his cousin, though not having as big of an appetite, was like the redhead when it came to food. If it was in front of him, he was going to eat it. Especially if it was something that he really liked.

Quickly polishing off what was on his plate, Dudley leaned back and sipped at his butterbeer, looking at Harry. After a couple minutes of silence, he jumped in. “Look, mate, I gotta ask... Is Lucius sitting with us at the pub bugging you? I noticed that you've been more dour and reserved since he started popping around. If it's bothering you, say something. I'll have a talk with him and make sure he doesn't come back.”

“It's not, don't worry about it,” Harry told him without thinking about it. Honestly, though he wasn't thrilled that the elder Malfoy was around, especially since it elicited even more bad memories he didn't need right now, for the most part it really didn't bother him. The conversations Lucius and Dudley had, as well as explaining some things to the pureblood about the Muggle world, were interesting to listen to even if he didn't participate in them much anymore.

Nodding slowly, Dudley said, “Alright. Then tell me what's up. You haven't been your normal self lately and it's bothering me. I mean, you've changed a lot since we were growing up, that's a given, especially with that hell you went through, but this is beyond that. It's like you're pulling away from everyone and everything anymore. That bothers me, Harry! And it's making me worried.”

Knowing Dudley the way he did, he figured it was best to give up part of what was going on. No, not all of it, just a tidbit tossed his way to explain things, one that would make it look like it would be the whole problem. That would be enough to explain part of it and get his cousin off the track for a while so he could do what was needed. Shaking his head, he said, voice soft, “This year is the 10^th anniversary of that whole mess. Already, people are gearing up for things with it and it's being talked about again. With that, it's kinda' directing attention back at me, something I really don't want right now. Let's just say it's bringing up a whole lot of shite for me that I can't deal with and don't want to, alright?”

Looking at Harry, Dudley sighed and shook his head, now understanding what part of the problem was. He was sure it wasn’t the whole thing, especially knowing Harry the way he did, but this was enough, without a doubt, to cause issues. “It's been 10 years already? That long? I didn't realize that.” Stopping, he looked at his cousin then said, “That explains a lot of it, that's for sure! And I don't blame you, mate. Some of those hurts need to stay right where they were in the past, not having people to force you to relive them.”

Snorting, Harry shook his head, “Since when does anyone give a shite about what I think about things or how I feel? They never did in the past, even though they kept telling me that they were looking out for me then doing what was best, and they sure as hell don't now! All they give a shite about is dragging that crap up. I don't need it, honestly.”

Nodding in a knowing way, Dudley said, “I agree with you, Harry. It's shite, as you said.” Stopping, he tried to think of what to say to his cousin. The whole mess was something Harry didn't like to talk about anyway and brought up a great many hurt feelings over the whole thing, not to mention anger. He couldn't imagine having to be faced with something so hurtful once more just because of an anniversary that people wanted to celebrate, let alone having those fools try to drag you back into it for a trip down memory lane that you didn't want to go along for the ride on. “I don't know what to tell you, Harry, really I don't. I'm sure you've made it clear to everyone that you don't want to talk about it, yeah?”

“Oh, you better believe it!” Harry told him with a snort and tinge of anger to his voice. “The Prophet alone contacts me once a week to try to talk me into an interview about the whole stinking mess. I keep turning them down but they don't let up. Why the hell would I want to relive all of it?”

“I agree, you wouldn't,” Dudley told him with a nod. “Maybe you should get your lawyer to talk to them and ensure they back off. That should stop it. I don't know the laws in your world, but they can't be that different from the one in ours over stuff like that.”

“That's not a bad suggestion,” Harry said thoughtfully. It really wasn't and hadn't been something he had thought of. It would, if it worked, at least get him left alone for a while. Well, that was until all the stuff they had planned for started up when the new term at Hogwarts kicked off that is. Then, no matter what he did, he was going to have to be faced with it. He didn't like it and planned to make himself scarce but would deal with it for the time he had left before he ended the whole thing.

Nodding vigorously, Dudley emphasized, “Talk to them, Harry. They can do something. Beyond that, why not take some time off work? I mean, shite, you have enough money that you don't have to work to begin with. Why not go on vacation or something until the whole thing is over? They can't draw you into it if you aren't here after all.”

“Can't do that, Dudley,” Harry told him with a shake of his head. “First, I don't have that kind of vacation time saved up since it'll take almost a years worth. Second, there is no one else in my section right now. They are still training someone to come in to help but that's going to take time. If I left, I would lose my job.” That was true, all of it. Though he doubted they would get rid of him for something like that as they knew the reason he would want to go was valid, as most had seen what such things were like for him around the big anniversaries of the Final Battle.

Brow furrowed, Dudley looked at him. Those, of course, did sound like real reasons to him, ones that most would take seriously, he just had an inkling that there was more to it than Harry said was all. “Not to be contrary, mate, but you have enough money that you don't need to work. I understand that there is something about that job that pulls you to it, even though I don't know exactly what it is you do, but is it worth this kind of hell?”

Not wanting to get into any of this with his cousin, Harry decided to toss him a bone of sorts. “Tell you what, Dudley, if things aren't any better by the Christmas hols, I'll reconsider that, yeah?”

Placated somewhat, Dudley nodded again. “Alright, that works for me, mate.” Sipping at his drink some more, he asked, tone slightly worried, “They are planning something big for this whole effing mess, aren't they?”

Snorting, Harry growled, “You have no idea! Starting just before the beginning of the Hogwarts term, they are going to start going through the events as they happened, reanalyzing everything and talking to the people that had been involved. It'll all culminate in a big event on the anniversary of that damned battle at Hogwarts. Of course, they want me there to give a speech about the people that were lost. Really, they don't know what they are asking of me when it comes to some of them! Shite, they sure as hell wouldn't like anything I have to say if I were truthful about some of them!”

Brow furrowing, Dudley looked at him, not understand that. Though Harry wouldn't talk about any of it, he had heard plenty of what went on from Ron and Hermione. From what he heard, there were many courageous, selfless acts that cost people their lives in the quest to do the right thing. Never once had he heard something that would set Harry off to say something like that. “Mate, I know I wasn't there and am not that familiar with what went on but who would that be? I mean, there was your godfather, Loopeen, or whatever his name was, and the Weasley twin that died. Are those who you're talking about?”

“It's Lupin,” Harry corrected absently, looking down. Shaking his head, he continued, “No, I don't have any problems with them or people like Tonks. They did what was best and died a hero's death. I don't like some things they did, like both Tonks and Remus fighting in the final battle thus leaving Teddy in the same kind of situation I was in, but I understand it. It isn't those who I have an issue with, it's others that were made out to be heroes that I feel...” Trailing off, Harry just sighed, rubbing his eyes.

“Like who?” Other than ex-Death Eaters, Lucius and his son, he hadn't heard anything bad about anyone on the right side of the whole thing. All he heard from Ron and Hermione were good things. Now he was curious as to why Harry felt the way he did.

“Dumbledore and Snape,” Harry told him in clipped tones. Though he was angry every time he talked about those two, he really didn't have the energy to drag up the normal amount he felt about it. That just took too much out of him. As he had so little of it most of the time anymore, it was something that wasn't happening, though that burn in his gut over what happened with those two was there. That was something that he was sure he would live with until the day he died.

Alright, those were two names that Dudley did know. In fact, Ron and Hermione talked about them quite a bit. All they said, though, were good things. That Snape fellow had been a spy on that evil one and it had cost him his life in the end. From what Harry's friends said, he had done it all to protect Harry. Dumbledore had died at Snape's hands to save Lucius' son from having to kill him. From what he heard, if Draco hadn't done it, both him and his parents would have been killed. “I've heard Ron and Hermione talk about those two. They are supposed to be real heroes that died for the cause, so to speak, after going above and beyond.”

“Oh, that's what everyone's always believed but there is more to it than that, trust me! And Ron and Hermione never knew it,” Harry told him with a tired sigh. Rubbing his eyes, Harry could feel exhaustion starting to overwhelm him. He knew the topic was what was bringing it on so he just wanted to cut it short but that wasn't going to be allowed to happen. Since he had brought it up, Dudley wasn't going to let it go without hearing the other side of it.

“Well, mate, tell me. I mean, I only know what I was told or some of what I saw, like that time Dumbledore visited mom and dad.” Dudley inquired, now very curious.

Deciding to make a long story as short as he could, he said, “We'll start with Snape. Yeah, he was a spy and all that, protecting me because of his friendship with my mum but what they don't talk about was how he was a right arsehole to me the whole time, hating the sight of me because I looked just like my dad. He made my school years a living hell. Some might now, and do, excuse that as being part of his cover but I don't think so. He was a right bastard about all of it because that was him. Then there was that whole 'protecting me' thing. I ain't buying that shite anymore. What they don't tell you has to do with one of Dumbledore's many schemes.”

Stopping, Harry looked down at the ground then continued on, teeth gritted as he spoke, “Dumbledore put on that kindly air about him when it came to things, acting all concerned and shite, but he was nothing but a scheming manipulator that could only see the 'greater good' when it came to the end, not who it affected in between. For example? He knew exactly what you and your parents were like with me, as well as how I was treated, but did nothing because I was 'protected' there by those damned wards. Only thing he ever said about it to your family was that 'disapproval' the last time you saw him. That was it. Then, on top of that, though he decided it was bad for Draco Malfoy to end up a murderer, he thought nothing about planning for me to be killed. That's where that whole bit about Snape protecting me comes in because Snape was on board for it and made sure the message was passed along to me just as he was dying. So much for protecting me, yeah?”

“Wait! WHAT?” Dudley all but shouted, mouth hanging open. “Set you up to die? How in the ruddy hell did he do that and why?”

With another deep sigh, Harry walked his cousin, as briefly as he could, through the whole Horcrux thing and what he saw in that memory from Snape.

Mouth opening and closing because Dudley had no words to articulate the anger he was feeling at that minute, he stopped, took a deep breath then asked, tone soft, trying not to show just how infuriated he was, “You mean, he knew you had a miserable bloody life but did nothing about it then made sure you would do the right thing and die even though he had no proof it might not be permanent?”

“That about sums it up, yup. And Snape made sure I knew that's what needed to be done. So much for protecting me, yeah?” Harry told him wearily. Right now, the exhaustion was so overwhelming, he was sure he could just shut his eyes and go to sleep right there. He didn't though. He fought to keep awake so that Dudley could finish and leave. Then he planned to sleep until he had to get up for work the next morning, or as much as he could get with as many times as he woke up a night. That was bound to happen this time because of the topic of conversation.

“That bloody rotten arse bastard! Both of them! Heroes... bullocks!” Dudley seethed. “You're telling me no one knows about this shite but you?”

“No one but me. I'm the only one that saw the memory and knows. Everyone else has the view I told you about. So, pardon me if I don't see them as effing heroes to be adored and spoken well about. They did a lot of right things but when they got to this shite, they lost any of the good in my books.”

“I don't blame you there, Harry! Shite! I hope they are roasting somewhere for this crap!” Leaning back in his chair, Dudley had his arms tightly crossed over his chest and there was an angry fire in his eyes.

“Yeah, so I'm not really wanting to go play nice about them in a speech,” Harry said rubbing his eyes in a weary way. “We won't even get into what I felt about the Ministry at that time and all the hell they put me through. Or how the general populace cowered behind closed doors and expected a teenager to save them when they did nothing to stop what was going on, just acting like some damned sheep being led to slaughter. No, no one wants to hear any of this in a speech by me but it's what I want to say.”

“I bloody well don't blame you, Harry! And, seriously, someone probably needs to, 'cause you know history as well as I do. It's going to happen again. Some evil arsehole is going to rise and the same shite is going to happen again since no one seems to have learned a lesson.”

Snorting, Harry shook his head, “No one would listen, Dudley. They would just write more articles about how I've gone off my nut again and ignore everything I had to say. Then they would go dig up all the muck from the past that they raked to prove it. No, it's better to shut the hell up and say nothing to preserve what little privacy I have.”

“Yeah, I get that, mate,” Dudley told him with a weary sigh and shake of his head. “Arseholes, all of them! No wonder you don't want anything to do with this whole thing. On top of all the real shite you had to deal with, this isn't something you need.”

“No, and I plan to avoid it at all costs,” Harry told him with a nod of his head as one of those familiar waves of guilt he always seemed to get anymore crashed over him over memories that even his brief explanation to his cousin dragged up. That made his whole body ache once again, exacerbating the exhaustion. Feeling he needed to stop this now before it grew worse, he said, “Let's drop the topic. Too much bullshite there for me to deal with right now. And, sorry, mate, but I'm tired.”

Looking at his cousin, he could see the exhaustion in his eyes, not to mention some hurt. Figuring the topic wasn't a good one to keep on about, though he wanted to know more, he nodded, “Gotcha. I get that. Look, mate, I just wanted to check on you but I can see you’re tired so why don't I go.” Standing, Dudley told him, smile on his face, “Thanks for the meal, Harry! Tell Kreacher I said he's a wonderful cook. Why don't you head to bed and I'll see myself out.” Almost as an afterthought, he asked, “You're going to be at the pub tomorrow, yeah?”

“As always,” Harry said with a nod and weary smile as he stood.

“Good deal!” After giving Harry a good natured clap on the back, Dudley went to see himself out.

As soon as his cousin was out of sight, the smile dropped of Harry's face and his shoulders slumped. After calling Kreacher to clean up, telling the elf what Dudley had said, something that produced a big grin on the wizened elf's face, Harry made his way towards his bedroom. Sleep... he wanted sleep without interruption but doubted he would get it since there was now bound to be nightmares.

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Survivor's Guilt