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You Will Not Kiss Me	By : Prosperosdaughter Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male > Snape/Remus Views: 22836 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 2
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Chapter 6: A Christmas Truce

Snape had slept deeply and later than usual so that he missed breakfast, and yet he felt weary when he had risen from his bed. Well, of course he would, he admonished himself. He had been brutally assaulted not even 24 hours ago. He needed to re-apply his balms and re-dose his potion. He couldn't expect to be fully recovered in less than a day.

In the bathroom, he stopped and stared at the floor where it had happened then turned to examine himself in the mirror. His nose looked fine, possibly slightly swollen at the bridge. He looked no more than tired around the eyes. Some of the bites and bruises had gone completely and the rest were healing nicely although he most certainly would not be without a cravat for a couple of days yet. The scratches had almost gone, and the bruises to his torso were much improved. He looked back to his face.

"Merry bloody Christmas, Severus," he muttered, and snorted.

He resolved to have a bath to draw out any residual bruising and hopefully this would soothe his sore and aching muscles. He relaxed in the bath until the water went cold and then re-heated the water with a quick spell and lay there, thinking.

Lupin. What would he do about Lupin?

He wondered how Lupin was feeling this morning. How had his transformation gone? Was it better or worse than last month? By rights, it should have been better because Lupin had come to his Call every time. Snape wondered sourly if it made any difference to the Thrall if the supposed object attacked the supposed master.

He shook his head slightly. There was no point in glossing over his own fault in the matter. He could not deny his complicity. He had been intrigued and he had not taken enough care. He had desired it. Had even thought it would be exciting. He had placed himself and Lupin – yes, he should not forget Lupin – in danger. It was brutal. He drew his palm over his face. If he knew Lupin at all, he would be distraught.

He tended to his injuries, dressed and then called for a late breakfast. There appeared to be presents in his drawing room: Albus, Minerva – the usual seasonal trifles. Not long after he'd finished breakfast, Poppy called by Floo and asked to come through.

"Merry Christmas, Severus!" she smiled, still managing to look business-like as she clambered out of the fireplace.

"To you too," Snape inclined his head.

"I'm checking up on my two patients. You're certainly looking better than yesterday. I just want to check your eyes." With that she ushered him to sit down so that she could examine his eyes. "Yes, they're fine, Severus. But one can't be too careful." She started to bustle towards the Floo. "You weren't at breakfast?"

"I overslept. My Christmas present to myself," he said with a small smile. "I will be there for Christmas lunch, I promise. Who is the other patient, if I may ask?"

"Why, Remus, of course," she said briskly. "The Wolfsbane Potion seems unstable Severus. No, no, it's not a criticsm of your brewing. No-one knows better than I the quality of your Potions. But I saw him this morning, and he was extensively injured across his back – broken ribs, chipped vertebrae, bruising, his wrist was dislocated and somehow – accidental magic maybe – his hand was burnt. I've treated them all and they're responding well but he is very downcast. He shouldn't be damaging himself at all on Wolfsbane – I think that's why he's so depressed." Poppy was shaking her head.

"Albus thinks something else is at work. Enigmatically as usual, he won't tell me anything else," she snorted, crossing her arms and looking formidable. "And yet, the first couple of cycles on Wolfsbane went so well. You know, I tended Remus every cycle when he was a student here. Sometimes his transformations were truly shocking. There was so much damage, especially his first year, I remember. There's no helping it, when he's recovered, you and I will have to look into it."

"Yes, Poppy, we will," Snape said, maintaining his composure, although he was startled by just about every aspect of her speech. "I will look in on Lupin later today. I think I should take some notes."

"Yes, of course, Severus. But ... well ... he may not be very responsive." Poppy smoothed down her apron. "I'll see you at lunch, Severus. Keep up that balm for your eyes today." She smiled her brisk smile and left.

Albus thinks something else is at work. He felt a seed of panic germinate in his gut. He could not postpone confronting Lupin for too long if Albus put his mind to investigating. Not responsive. Depressed. At least that didn't sound like the wolf. Snape realised he had been fearful that the wolf might not have left Lupin yet. Even if he hadn't, Snape was prepared now and he had no intention of being trusting yet. He'd worked out his own theories on the wolf, but he had to speak to Lupin after lunch.

The performance that was Christmas lunch was over, thank Merlin. With some trepidation, he made his way to Lupin's quarters. He knocked but there was no answer. He wasn't sure if Lupin's wards would admit him, but they did. He took a deep breath to try to subdue his apprehension. His heart was racing and he felt nauseous. He entered anyway. Lupin was not in his office or small sitting room, so he went to the door he assumed to be his bedroom. He drew his wand and entered stealthily.

Lupin was sleeping but he didn't look relaxed. He was in the centre of his bed, propped up on his pillows, with his arms out of the counterpane. His face looked troubled, even in sleep. This wasn't how he had seen Lupin sleep just two days ago. That other morning, he had looked beautifully reposed.

Snape went to his bedside cabinet to look at Lupin's books, picked one up that looked vaguely interesting, took off his outer robe and sat in the bedside seat with his wand held loosely in his hand, and waited for Lupin to wake, unsure what he would say or do when that happened.

Nearly an hour passed before Lupin slowly woke. Snape's hand tightened on his wand as he saw Lupin start slightly to see him there. There was no doubt that fear flickered across Lupin's face when he saw Snape's wand. It was replaced by resignation. His eyes (his blue eyes) shone. Snape suspected Lupin was holding back tears. Snape really didn't know what he felt about that either. He had never felt so at a loss at how to react.

"Severus," Lupin said in a small, dry voice. "I ... I ... have no idea what to say to you. Sorry would be so meaningless." His voice gave out and his eyes dropped and closed. It was almost as if he was waiting for the hex to fall on him.

"Nor I you," Snape admitted quietly, never taking his eyes from Lupin. "But talk we must."

Lupin took a sharp intake of breath, winced, and exhaled, his eyes still shut. "That was some powerful wandless magic, by the way," he said softly, grasping his ribs.

Ah, his ribs and vertebrae, Snape thought. "Shame it came so late in our ... er ... encounter," Snape muttered darkly. Lupin nodded, still looking defeated.

"Lupin," he saw the slight flinch at the surname, "Remus ..." he corrected, surprised he wanted to correct himself. Lupin looked up slowly. "I should have heeded your warning. I was foolish. I believe we should start with my apology to you." He saw the man flinch again as if struck and open it his mouth to protest. "No Remus. I will speak. You will have your turn. But first you will listen to me." Snape's voice was soft, but firm.

"You warned me not to Call you. I did not take heed you. I thought you were being over-protective because ... ah" he sighed and pinched his nose, "because of what I told you the day before. Stupidly, I thought you would just be rather robust with me and I wasn't averse to that. I was idiotic not to realise you were trying to keep me safe from real danger," he spat, his own self-hatred evident on his face. He sat slightly forward in his chair. "I am not saying I absolve you of what you did to me, but I was complicit in it and I will not have you shoulder all the blame."

"No Severus." Lupin was looking at the ceiling. Snape saw his eyes were filled with tears that slowly and silently trickled down his cheeks. "You will not take any of the blame for my assault on you. You cannot say to me that you asked for it. No rapist can ask for that absolution." His voice cracked and he looked down again. Snape had never seen such misery etched on a face he knew and ... yes...and cared for.

"If I had not Called you, you would not have come to me. Am I correct?" Snape asked, his voice almost a whisper, as it stuck in his throat.

Lupin shrugged. "I do not know." He looked away.

"If there were no Thrall, I could not have Called you at all. Am I correct? If there were no Thrall, my wards would not have admitted you. Am I correct?" Snape continued insistently.

Lupin did not answer.

"Remus, our circumstances are unique. We are under a powerful enchantment of sexual obsession, through which I Called you when you were in a dangerous pre-transformative state that you had warned me about and which I ignored." Snape's voice rose impatiently then softened immediately. "Yes, you beat me, and you raped me but I hold you no more responsible for that than if you were under the Imperius curse." He exhaled heavily as if these statements were costing him dearly.

"I am not a stupid man. I am not a romantic man. I have been attacked before, and you know it. I have never forgiven those men because they wanted that power over me and over the years I found ways to make them pay. I am saying I do not hold you responsible. That is not to say that I am not having difficulty with it. I am ... struggling too." His voice tailed off.

Lupin was now looking at him, too full of emotion to speak, but he shook his head still.

"I have an additional theory about your wolf that adds to the uniqueness of it which I will tell you later. Firstly, tell me about the wolf, Remus. Tell me about why you warned me. Tell me everything." Snape stood and Summoned a pitcher of water and glasses to Lupin's bedside and poured each of them a glass.

Slowly, haltingly, Lupin spoke.

"At the pull of the moon, I have always been more aware of my lupine nature. More alert, aware, if you will, senses more keen. Once I reached puberty, I noticed that on the day of the moon, my temperament undertook quite a dramatic change. I could become quite cruel. I quickly learnt to keep myself away from others when I felt my mood change. Last month, it felt very different; much more marked. Of course, we then did not know what was going on and I didn't connect anything to it. But I felt a real shift in my mind, almost as if the wolf was trying to push me to one side to become dominant over me, but whilst I was still a man. I felt his cruelty even then. That was what I warned you about. When I left you last night, I had no idea that he would take over completely this time, Severus, I swear to you.

"I slept well enough but when I woke I could feel the wolf pulling on my mind and then I felt my mind go from me. My control slipped away. It was like being shut behind a glass door, looking in but not being heard. I knew he was angry. I knew he was angry about us. I think about the Thrall.

"Then I felt your Call Serverus," Lupin's voice cracked again. "I was so scared. At first, it was mild and intermittent in the morning. I tried to exercise all my will on the wolf. Then in the afternoon, ye gods, it was so strong!" Lupin's head fell again and he brushed his hand over his face. "I was powerless to stop the wolf. He had been looking forward to your Call. I knew then he meant to harm you, to harm us and I could do nothing. He Disillusioned himself ... me, I suppose ... and watched you sleep. I was drowning in the desire in your Call. You woke suddenly and sped off the bathroom. He ... I ... followed..." He uttered a small cry and covered his face with his hands.

Snape knew the anguish was real. He felt it in his own chest and gut. Snape moved slowly to the bed and sat in front of Lupin. He pulled Lupin's hands away from his face and held them.

"Have you heard nothing I have said to you, Remus?"

"I heard it all," he whispered. "I wish I could forgive myself, but I cannot. I want to blame it on the Thrall, Severus, but I was behind those eyes, my mouth spoke those words to you and my body inflicted pain on you and brutalised you. And now you will always see me as your abuser. How could you otherwise? How can you ever know if you can trust me?" he looked at Snape imploringly.

"I can know," Snape responded. "I can find out."

Lupin's eyes widened and he understood. "Then do so," he whispered, indicating Snape's wand.

Snape stood holding his wand in his right hand, and Lupin's face gently in his left. "Legilimens," Snape said softly, holding Lupin's gaze with his own.

Snape entered his mind as gently as he was able. He felt Lupin's admiration and longing for Snape. For him. Then suddenly Snape was awash in Lupin's intense mortification; he tasted Lupin's abject fear at the Call; he heard the wolf taunt Lupin as a weakling; taunting him that he would destroy his lover; as good as suffered Lupin's heartbreak when the wolf had beaten Snape and felt suffused with Lupin's shame and guilt when the wolf had raped him and heard the wolf exulting over Lupin, that he had broken Snape, triumphant that Lupin would never now be trusted. He felt Lupin's anguish that Snape would never want him again. He knew it all.

He tasted the bitter gall that had settled in Lupin's being and he wanted it gone from his lover. He withdrew gently and stroked Lupin's face whilst he fought to control his own sorrow.

He sat back down on the bed and regained his composure.

"I believe, Remus, that this Thrall has had the unintended consequence of enabling your wolf to disassociate itself from you to the extent that it takes on, for that day, its own personality: a werewolf proper. As you said, not you the man, not really your wolf, which is no more than an animal after all. I think this werewolf has split itself away because it believes that you will do something that will harm its dominant status, which is, of course, everything to a wolf." Snape waited for Lupin to take this in.

"It said to you that I was considering allowing you to take me and that it would not allow it. I remember," Lupin said, looking thoughtful.

"Am I correct that you have never been taken by a man, Remus?" Snape asked as gently as he was able, trying not to blush himself.

"I would never even have considered it until two nights ago, Severus."

"Why then?"

"I was just overwhelmed by my feelings for you. I wanted you to take me. I wanted you to own me at that time and know that I would never harm you."

Snape leant forward and caught Lupin's mouth gently, squeezing the hands he was already holding. He feathered light kisses on Lupin's lips, his chest feeling full. Lupin kissed him back just as gently.

When he pulled away, Lupin's eyes were blood shot and wide. "But I did harm you, Severus," he said, the sides of his face flushing with shame.

"Your wolf wanted to prevent you giving yourself to me. He harmed me to stop it. I know this Remus. I know. I saw just now. I don't wish it to be stopped. I want it. If I am prepared to try to surmount your wolf's barbarity, perhaps you'd do me the courtesy of doing likewise and not wallowing in self pity," Snape clipped out, and then was suddenly shamed by his own temper.

Lupin stared at Snape dumfounded for a long time, clearly turning over all that Snape had just said. "You are a stronger man than I, Severus." Lupin said carefully.

"Whilst I would usually agree with you without hesitation, today I shall not. Today, I shall argue with everything you say on a point of principle so that you will stop adding to the misery your wolf has mired you in," Snape declared. "I don't know if I am a stronger man than you; but I will be stronger than your wolf. Only you and I will decide what we have."

Snape put his wand into the pocket of his outer robe, took his boots off and then climbed onto the bed next to Lupin, but on top of the covers. He took Lupin into his arms and brought him onto his chest and held him, smelling his hair as Lupin's head leant into Snape's arm. He felt a constricting tightness in his chest of which he had not been aware unravel leaving his breathing feeling wonderfully liberated.

When he was satisfied Lupin was comfortable, he said, "Tell me about your transformation. Aside from the injuries I gave you, did you sustain any others?"

He felt a small smile against his arm where Lupin's head was resting. "So clinical, Severus. No, I sustained no others. Once I transformed, the wolf was gone from my mind. I was in control of my mind again, but in the wolf's body, as it's supposed to be. The reversion was straightforward, under the circumstances."

Snape nodded. He had expected this. "I have to come up with something to explain this. Poppy wants a conference with me about your Potion being unstable. Albus suspects something else is at work, as Poppy put it," Snape informed him.

Lupin lifted his head to look at Snape. "She made a terrible fuss this morning. How could I tell her these were defensive wounds, made on me before the transformation? So I said nothing. I don't know what to tell her."

"Nor I. At present, I'm stumped. I'm sure I'll think of something plausible."

Lupin nestled his head back down on Snape's arm and sighed heavily. They lay comfortably together for a while, Snape stroking Lupin's hair, Lupin holding one of Snape's arms, as if to be reassured of his presence.

"Are you hungry? Have you eaten today?" Snape asked eventually.

"Something light at breakfast. I didn't want much."

"I'll call for something for you," Snape said. "I probably won't eat for a week after being overstuffed by Albus and Minerva at lunchtime, but you need to eat." Snape got up from the bed and tidied himself. It would not do for house-elves to see him in a state of disarray here. Fortuitously, as he finished calling the kitchen, this was the time Poppy called to come through.

"Ah Severus, hello. Taking notes, are we? I'm just checking on Remus," she said brightly. "We have to make sure Sybil's predictions haven't come to pass, don't we!"

Lupin looked askance. "I'm sorry?"

"You are the latest in a long line of doomed mortals whose demise is the dearly-to-be-wished-for new year event of our erstwhile Divination professor, " Snape drawled, sarcasm dripping on the last word. "In short, she expects you to be polished off in short order, and you are apparently aware of this because you ran away from her when she offered to tell your fortune!" Snape inclined his head to Lupin with his eyebrows raised, as if asking how he possibly could have refused such an offer. A smile pulled at the corners of his lips.

Lupin chuckled. It warmed Snape to hear it. "That woman is incorrigible," Lupin chuckled again. "Still, at least it's deflected her from Harry's imminent demise."

Snape stiffened. He hadn't thought of Potter or the escaped convict Black once this past week. He would have to address this soon, he knew. For now, he resolved to put it out of his mind.

He heard Poppy laugh. "Oh, Remus, you are right. She is incorrigible. And it's good to see you in better spirits. Who'd have thought you'd be such a tonic for the soul, Severus." She gave Snape an amused smile.

"Not I, Poppy," Snape straightened his spine to be ramrod straight. "I assure you, the credit is all Sybil's."

At this point, a house-elf popped in with a tray for food and left again. Poppy nodded with approval. "Well, I can see you're being taken care of, Remus. I do have salves to apply before I go though."

"I'll leave then," Snape made to move.

"Stay, Severus. Poppy won't be long, then you can finish those notes," Lupin said, looking remarkably innocent, Snape thought.

Snape nodded and went through into the small sitting room. Poppy came to him shortly after when she'd finished with Lupin, and quickly checked his eyes and they both went back through to Lupin.

"I'll leave you now. I'm off to make up a four at Bridge with Albus, Minerva and Filius. I'm hoping for an uneventful night. Merry Christmas, boys." She smiled and left.

"Boys, indeed," Snape muttered. He heard Remus laugh softly again.

"How was Christmas lunch, Severus? Tell me about it."

"You eat then, and I'll tell you." He passed the tray to Remus and sat down again, and regaled him with Sybil Trelawney's predictions and Minerva's dry responses, passing Lupin a drink when he almost choked on his own laughter.

"And I had to suffer a reminder of your blasted boggart repelling charm, Remus!" he pretended to be affronted and told him of the giant silver cracker and the hat with the vulture that Dumbledore had worn with pride. Lupin laughed too hard for his damaged ribs and struggled to regain his breath. Snape was pleased to see some colour returning to Lupin's face.

Still chuckling, Lupin said, "Doesn't it bother you that you scare a child enough to be his boggart, Severus?"

"Not at all," Snape said curtly. "In fact, Remus, it shows that Longbottom has a very healthy mind with no meaningful or deeply rooted psychological fears. Fear of a surly teacher is positively healthy and to be encouraged."

"I don't believe you like children, Severus," Lupin said softly

"You are correct in your belief. I didn't like children when I was one; I certainly don't like them now. I am here because Albus installed me here after the end of the war to protect me. I am very knowledgeable and have much to impart, for anyone that is willing to learn. As for the others..." he waved his hand dismissively. Then he turned his attention back to Lupin.

"I heard about your boggart. The conjecture I've heard from my House is that you're afraid of crystals balls. Now you've been reported as running away from Sybil, that will, no doubt, confirm it." Snape smiled, a little less tightly than usual

Lupin smiled. It was starting to approach the smile that Snape found so attractive.

"I know you want to ask, and the answer is you," Snape said suddenly.

Lupin looked confused. "My boggart," Snape said, "is the wolf." Lupin then looked wretched.

"That was unkind of me," Snape said. "After seeing you in the Shrieking Shack, the wolf was genuinely my boggart but not for long." Lupin looked curious. "Once I became a Death Eater, I became scared of many other things each of which could have been my boggart, but any one of which would have revealed my changing loyalties to the Dark Lord. Using Occlumency, I ensured that my boggart would only ever be the wolf. It was a good, solid fear, understood by anyone who might see it."

Lupin was staring at Snape. "You even felt you had to control your boggart! I'm astonished that you could."

"I learnt control at a very young age. I told you this."

"And how did you render it funny?" Lupin was smiling at him fully now. Snape was beginning to feel more and more relaxed with him.

"You're a half blood, aren't you? Do you remember Wily Coyote?"

Lupin's eyes widened and he erupted into laughter, holding his ribs again. "And what did you have fall on him?" he stuttered through his laughter.

"A piano," Snape said firmly, his lips thin, suppressing his own smile.

"I would've liked to have seen that," Lupin chuckled, wiping his eyes, still holding his ribs.

Snape stood, well pleased with Lupin's humour. "I need to go back to my rooms for a short while. I would like to come back to sleep here. Will you allow it?"

"I will." Lupin looked pleased. "But I won't be much use to you tonight – I'm rather weak."

"The only use I have for you tonight is to keep me company and to let me show you that I trust you," Snape said simply. "I cannot promise you any such restraint in the morning, however," he smirked and noted with satisfaction that Lupin returned a faintly wicked smile of his own.

Snape took the Floo back to his rooms and showered and then re-applied for the final time his balms and salves and took his Potion. He walked back to Lupin's rooms one hour later. He wasn't apprehensive this time, and found his excitement returning but, although he knew his desire was mounting, he would not act on it tonight. Perhaps it was because the moon now waned but he felt more in control of himself and his emotions; more in control of Lupin too. There was a certain satisfaction in that realisation that the wolf had unwittingly handed the balance of power to Snape through Lupin's own remorse.

Snape did not realise at this time that he was now coming close to perfecting the Thrall.

When he returned to Lupin's bedroom, he found Lupin had showered and the bed had been changed, although Lupin was back in it. There were drinks on the bedside table. Snape smiled his small smile. "I think, perhaps, some extra privacy." Snape said, and placed extra wards on Lupin's rooms and Floo.

He undressed and took his place by Lupin in bed. He heard Lupin's sharp intake of breath as he saw the fading bruising and the last of the deep bites on Snape's back and neck and then Lupin kissed them tenderly, whispering over, "I'm so sorry Severus."

"No more of it tonight, Remus," Snape replied softly and he lay back with his back to Lupin's chest and Lupin put his arms around him and nuzzled his hair and neck. They drank and talked of Christmas and teaching and boggarts and all things inconsequential and inoffensive late into the night until they slept.

AN: The guys needed one night's rest, right?
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You Will Not Kiss Me