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Let Love In	By : Kimmimaru Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male > Remus/Sirius Views: 3124 -:- Recommendations : 1 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any characters or settings by JK Rowling. I make no profit from this story.

Chapter List
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Chapter Six: Feelings

He thought it would be awkward. It was not.

He thought it would be hard...it wasn't.

He assumed walking down the corridor, fingers brushing just lightly, would be awful and wrong but...it wasn't.

Remus knew it was wrong, he knew it was a sin, an awfully evil, dark sin and the act had opened up all kinds of terrible possibilities...but he couldn't get rid of the feeling that it was just too goddamned right! When his eyes met that sharp, painful silver, he knew it was wrong to let his heart beat speed up. When his knee touched Sirius's beneath a table he told himself that it should not feel so good. When it was dark, when he felt the tell tale dip of his bed in the in-between hours of morning and night time, he hated himself for leaning back into that warm delicious embrace and letting himself go.

Sirius had no idea what he was supposed to be feeling, all he knew was that it felt good, and the good feeling intensified almost painfully when his fingers touched Remus's. All he knew was that when he held him at night, when he heard his name whispered between sweaty sheets and writhing, naked forms, it felt so damned good he was not going to let it go. It occurred to him briefly that perhaps he was bad for Remus, that perhaps this sharp, painful feeling in his soul was some warning, but he did not heed its insistent nagging. Because, in those moments, as the half moon was setting behind the trees of the forbidden forest and the stars were winking their goodbyes, he knew that the warmth he had in his arms was just so wonderfully perfect that he would never want anything else.

The year seemed to drag its self reluctantly into spring, the winter dying with a spectacularly cold frost. Remus hunched over, holding his cloak firmly around himself as he crunched over the glittering ground, the moon above him gloated, fat and terrible as he hurried across the lawn, already feeling it yank and drag at his crawling skin, making him sick and dizzy and plain afraid. But, he still had a little less than twenty four hours before the evil moon would rip his flesh open, devour his human soul and spit out something hideous, a mockery of the boy who had once inhabited the changed, deformed body. He was near the green houses and he came to a halt, turning to gaze back up at the castle, he saw the lights on in Gryffindor tower and smiled slightly before walking towards Greenhouse number three. With his fingers on the handle he froze as if he had been turned to frost. He heard a girlish giggle and a squeal, and then a voice he knew well, too well...his eyes widened.

"Shh! Don't be so loud...people will be suspicious...!" The girl whispered.

"Nah, no one'll want to come out this late...now...what about there?" Sirius's voice was low, roughened by what could have been desire and Remus felt his insides go cold, turn to ash and crumble into nothing.

He released the handle for a moment before remembering why he was there, to get some potions ingredients for Professor Slughorn, after being caught while trying to sneak back to the common room after patrolling. Sometimes the teachers took full advantage of him, he was obviously too nice for his own good, because he had been looking forward to getting back and sitting in Sirius's lap to enjoy that soft massage he had been promised...

"Ah...that's good..." Sirius groaned heavily. The girl sighed and there would have been silence, except that Remus's ears were highly tuned due to the coming full moon and he could hear, and even smell them both! Soft grunts, something being moved across the floor...His fingers grasped the handle again, he couldn't feel the cold anymore. He felt an insurmountable fury tear through him like the crack of a whip and the scents that the wind was brining to him made him want to die. Finally he pushes the door open, it slams loudly against the wall and he stands there, panting heavily, his eyes narrowed and he sees them standing there, gazing at him with huge eyes and he realises in a flash that Sirius isn't embracing the girl, he realises he is covered in dirt, a smudge of it on the side of his face...and he is holding a heavy plant pot. Sirius grins, flashing white teeth at him. "Hey Remmy, What's up?" He stops, face falling slightly as he sees, and senses that Remus isn't...entirely Remus. He turns to the girl, who is a Hufflepuff Second year, and smiles. "Hey, can you take this round back where Professor Sprout wanted it, sorry, I uh..." He shrugged helplessly and the girl smiles shyly, eyeing him with all too much desire in her eyes. Once she is out of sight Sirius moves, shutting the door behind them and pushes Moony onto the floor, sitting beside him. "What happened?" He asked softly, his fingers finding Remus's.

"I...I'm not entirely sure." Remus replied, his voice sounding gruff, and unlike himself as he felt the wolf relaxing.

Sirius smiled, and Remus, without thinking, leaned forward and pressed his lips to Sirius's. They stayed still for a long time, backs pressed firmly against the door. Then Sirius smiled, and with a small sigh pushed grubby fingers into Remus's soft hair and deepened their kiss. Their tongues tangled together and both of them became lost in their own world.

Finally Sirius pulls away as the door at their backs begins moving and a small, nervous voice is muttering, asking to be let back in. He stood, dragging Remus with him and opens the door, the terrified looking girl smiled and thanked him nervously before her eyes went to their hands and she turned tail and ran. Sirius laughed and turned to Remus, eyes glowing and like a sudden explosion Remus has him pinned to the wall of the green house, his hands stuffed unceremoniously down Sirius's trousers as he found his hard shaft. Sirius felt his knees go weak and he grabbed a nearby table to prevent himself from collapsing. "Oh...shit..." He gasped, his head hitting the wall with a rather loud clunk. He closed his eyes, enjoying Remus's fingers as they moved, gripping tightly as Remus breathed on his neck, short sharp gasps that made Sirius's mind turn liquid. "R-Remus...Oh...Gods..." He turned those wonderful eyes to his friends, and grasped his hair and pulled him closer, their mingled breaths steamed in the night air. Sirius grabs Remus's bulge and rubs it gently as his own hips thrust into Remus's hand. Their movements became frantic, desperate. Fingers digging, burning, hands grasping, their breathing catching in each other's throats as Sirius throws his head back and bites down hard on his lip, drawing blood. Remus feels him twitch and hot liquid covers his fingers and Sirius slowly relaxes, gasping heavily as he pushes Remus into a table and practically tears down his trousers, dropping to his knees.

"S-Sirius..." Remus gasped, gazing down into those glittering eyes. Sirius grinned and yanked down Remus's boxers. "Siri-nnnng..." Remus tipped his head back, his fingers finding soft hair as he was engulfed in wet heat. Sirius was way too good at it, his tongue did things Remus felt should be made illegal. And suddenly, he no longer cared. Before he knew what was happening he was bent double, gasping and gripping Sirius's hair as if he would tear it out as he came hard. Sirius drew away, wiping his mouth on the back of his hand, Remus's knees gave way and he crumpled. "What..." he began slowly as Sirius began kissing his throat. "What...er...was that...?" He gasped.

Sirius paused and cocked his head to the side like a puppy. "That was a blow job, my good Moons." He grinned.

"That was..." Remus swallowed, his hand slipping round the back of Sirius's neck and drawing him close. "Amazing..." He growled, and kissed his friend slowly and deeply. "Mmm...Love you..." He breathed against Sirius's parted lips. He wasn't intending to speak, let alone say something so...so...weird...but now it was out he knew it was true, like he knew that the sky was blue and a human needed oxygen to survive. But he felt Sirius go completely still, as if he had turned to ice.

"What...?" He said slowly and Remus opened his eyes flushing bright red, Sirius's eyes were blank, he couldn't see any emotion behind them and he felt afraid suddenly. "Since when have you believed in fairy tales Remus?" Sirius said softly, not unkindly...but he was cold and distant even as he pressed his lips to Remus's forehead. "We shouldn't have started this...I'm sorry..." he drew away leaving Remus feeling cold and...used.

"Wait!" Remus sat up, watching Sirius straighten out his trousers without turning around.

"There's nothing to wait for, Moony. Love is a lie. A cruel, evil deceitful lie used to fool people into thinking that there is more to their feelings than normal. It's confusing and it simply ends up in one or the other getting hurt..." He yanked his belt tighter, an almost angry gesture, before turning and looking down at Remus with sharp, painful eyes. "If you say those words..." He stopped and sighed. "They're just words! There is no such thing..."

"So...So...all this time...it's just been..." Remus winced, trying to stop himself from giving in to the rage of the wolf that was howling beneath his skin. "...Lies?"

"I never said it. I never promised anything..." Sirius said, softly, carefully...he felt a tightness in his chest as he watched Remus digest his words. "I'm...sorry..." He whispered, the words turning to steam in the air seeming to form a solid wall between them. He knew he should leave, he should turn and walk away but he...he hated the look in Remus's eyes, he hated the thought that he had hurt his friend. So, he sat down, legs crossed as he shivered slightly and watched Remus come to terms with everything.

"But...my mother loves my father..." Remus muttered, almost desperately, and he hated himself for speaking...but he hated more that Sirius seemed unable to believe in Love. He hated it more that Sirius had been brought up without this one, all consuming emotion! He lifted himself up onto his knees, moving closer to Sirius and pushed him onto his back. Sirius cocked his head to the side and blinked curiously up at him. "Love does exist, Sirius. And it's not supposed to be painful...or hard..." He leaned down and kissed Sirius deeply. Except it was almost painful, their lips moving, their tongues twining around each other and Sirius's gentle gasps of pleasure. Remus's fingers curled into fists as he held his weight up. Suddenly he pulled away watching Sirius's eyes go cloudy.

"Stop...Love is a lie...Remus...it's all lies! Please...let me have that! Don't tell me exists because if it did...if it did it would mean..." He couldn't tell Remus what it would mean for him if Love did exist, but he knew that it would mean his parents had never loved him. His parents didn't even love each other...if love existed it would really mean that if they did love, they loved Regulus more than him and he was almost positive that the definite knowledge of this would destroy him. It was easier, oh so much easier, to simply ignore it.

Remus seemed to understand all this and the pain cleared from his eyes and he leaned down, pressing his lips to Sirius's temple. "Ok, then...I care about you."

Sirius smiled. "That's fine...I guess I kinda like you to..." He giggled as Remus hit him on the head.

The next evening Remus walked through the grounds once again, this time accompanied by Madam Pomfrey, the sky was darkening, and he could already feel the awful tug on his heart. He seemed unable to look at the sky, because he knew, he simply knew that he would be expecting to see that horrible glowing orb hanging above him and hurting him and making his skin feel like it's trying to eat him. He watched in silence as Pomfrey stopped the whomping willow and he crawled through the entrance to the Shack. Once he was there he was confronted by four years worth of angry scars, gouges in the furniture, shattered wood, splinters...anger. Anger and fury. Uncontrollable, raw intense emotion that he had no idea what to do with...And so, with a sigh he was left alone.

Sirius watched the sky, the butt end of a cigarette burning between his fingers, his hand dug deep into jeans pocket. James stood at his shoulder, leaning on him as they watched the moon rise. As if on cue they heard a scream and turned to look at each other, and, without a sound they disappeared, a silvery cloak made them vanish from existence. They crouched low, Sirius muttering dire threats to Wormtail if he dared to stand on his foot again. Then, they reached the vicious swaying tree, its long, bendy limbs looking almost innocent in the light. "Off you go, Wormy..." Sirius hissed, pushing the smaller boy out from under the cloak so he squeaked as he was temporarily exposed, with eyes darting around rapidly he transformed and where once had been a boy was a rather tatty looking rat. The rat moved, pushing the knot that would still the tree and Suddenly a black dog was bounding forwards, barking and it grabbed the rat in its jaws, tail wagging madly as it crawled into the hole, following a scent that was strong and warm and made him think of safety. Once he emerged into the dusty little room, he dropped the squealing rat on the floor and stood, wagging his tail at the massive, hulking wolf across from him. Without thought Padfoot moved forward, his legs stiff and his ears up, pointing forward. The Wolf eyed him from amber irises as Sirius ducked down slightly, almost hopping on the spot, he snuffled the Wolf's mouth, licking at him, trying to get him it to accept him...Padfoot whinged, and whined, and the wolf went still. Padfoot backed off, head down, ears flat against his head. The rat scurried away, through the Passageway and scampered out to see James looking fidgety. Peter transformed quickly. "James! I don't think it's going well..." He gasped. "Sirius isn't getting through..." He leaned over, trying to draw breath.

"Fuck." James muttered, he hated transforming inside the shack, leaving usually meant his antlers would get stuck in the passageway and it was cramped and awful when he was in deer shape, but, this time he couldn't wait outside for Padfoot to bring out the wolf.

The huge stag crouched and began awkwardly wiggling its way into the passage, Peter watched nervously, his fingers clutching the cloak.

Sirius had been backed into a corner, he hit the wall with a sharp yelp, he hadn't realised he had been that close. The wolf was growling furiously and no matter what Padfoot did, from lying on the ground, exposing his belly to the stiff playful greeting he usually went for...the Wolf was not in the mood. So he lay on the floor, head low, ears back and whined softly, just hoping the wolf would decided to forgive whatever unknown mistake he had made.

Suddenly he felt a paw hit his head, he was pinned down and a large, hot tongue was on his ears. The wolf seemed quite content to pin him down and lick him so he huffed gratefully, his tail thumping on the ground. James emerged from the hole, looking for all the world like he had been the victim of some kind of mud slide. Roots and debris hung in his antlers and he saw the scene before him, Padfoot trapped beneath the large, seemingly overly friendly wolf which was licking his ears, face and anything else he could easily reach.

And so, they could finally leave the shack. They all followed the wolf outside, Padfoot, as soon as he reached fresh air, began leaping around, growling and barking. He pounced on the wolf, chewing his ear playfully until he was batted away, he bounced back again and again until the Wolf got sniffy and decided enough was enough.

They ran through the forbidden forest, filling it with noise, waking up the day time creatures who smelt the wolf coming and snuck away to avoid it. Padfoot's barks filled the night as he let himself get bashed roughly around by the wolf, they reared up on their hind legs, mouths open and trying to bite each other. They growled, barked, howled and yipped in unison. Eventually the moon began to set and the wolf grew tired, they made it back to the shack without any issues and Sirius curled up at the wolf's side, tucked his nose into his tail and went to sleep.

James woke to find that somehow Peter's feet had crept across his chest. Sirius opened his eyes a crack, allowing dawn to leech his vision of colour momentarily before he yawned and rolled over. Moony lay still, his hand lying by his face and a small smile on his lips. Sirius pushed his face into Remus's hair, whining softly and making the wolf mutter something and try and push him away. "Moony..." he whispered softly against his neck, fingers tangled in his hair. He slowly ran his tongue down Remus's neck. "Moooooony..." he murmured again and only got a long, drawn out moan for all his trouble.

James heard Sirius's soft, cooing voice as he roughly shoved Peter's feet from him, feeling annoyed at being woken up by smelly feet rather than the Lily Evans of his dream. He sat up and saw Sirius, leaning over Remus, his long black hair hiding both their faces, one hand planted firmly on the floor. James stares, his eyes narrowing slightly, was he imagining the slight tension in Sirius's shoulders, the way his fingers curled on the dusty floor as if he was...kissing Remus? "Pads?" he said carefully.

Sirius's head jerked up like an animal trapped in headlights, his pupils dilated before he grinned. "Mornin' Prongsy." He said calmly and if he hadn't given James any sign, no matter how brief, of fear James would have believed he had imagined it all. He had wondered why Sirius had developed a habit of sneaking into Remus's bed at night, James had been the one he would climb in with if he had woken from a nightmare, but Remus had taken his place. Did they think he wouldn't notice? Sirius shook Remus, his hand lingering over long on his arm before sliding off.

"Go'way..." Remus mumbled, batting Sirius's hand away as he rolled over revealing long bloody scratches across his chest.

"Shit..." Sirius sighs. It was not as bad as it usually was, just three, reasonably shallow scratches but every time they saw him wounded they all felt guilty.

Remus's eyes flickered open and he stretched. "Mmm...what's the damage?" he asked calmly his eyes sliding down to his arms. Sirius's fingers were suddenly on his chest, running down the scratches slowly, making Remus cringe as he gazed up into Sirius's silver, much too bright eyes. He seemed to be made of pure, raw energy and for some reason that energy drove Remus just as crazy. He grabbed Sirius's hand tightly and smiled. "Not as bad as normal then." He sat up slowly and saw James watching them through his hair, he looked confused, suspicious and curious all at once. "James? Are you..."

"You two sleeping together?" James asked suddenly making Remus flush with humiliation. He suddenly wished he had clothes on and not the blanket Sirius had thrown over him at some point. Sirius lounged casually against the wall, somehow he was smoking a cigarette. Remus never asked where he got these, he seemed to have sources all over the castle, people who could get him the most expensive alcohol, the weirdest Muggle drugs and anything else he asked for. The acrid smoke stung his overly sensitive nose and he wrinkled it slightly. James however, only seemed to have eyes for Sirius, they were staring at each other, seeming to hold some mental communication.

"You can't just go accusing someone of shit like that, Prongs." Sirius said suddenly, throwing his cigarettes at James who snatched the packet out of the air.

"But...it's true." James reasoned lighting up his own from a book of matches from his pocket. "I've been watching you two for a while and...you're close...too close to just be friends. I'm not an idiot...I know something happened that night there was that storm..."

Sirius turned his eyes to Remus who was curled up, looking at his knees through the blanket, looking for all the world like he wanted to fade out of existence. He made a decision. He crawled forward slowly, until he was inches from James's face who tried to scramble back with wide eyes. "What...mmmm..." Sirius cut off any protests by pressing his lips firmly to James's. James went limp in shock, his eyes glazed and wide with terror.

When Sirius drew away he smiled lazily. "Now, do you feel less left out?" He said with a chuckle.

"What...the...hell!" James began wiping his mouth, spitting and faked retching. "Oh dear god...Evans will never kiss me now...that was horrible!"

"You looked jealous." Sirius said with his best impression of perfect innocence and it would have been believable had that smirk not reappeared. He laughed, that warm, sharp bark that always made Remus smile. "Well, now you know what it's like to kiss Sirius Black, think yourself grateful, you filthy Blood-traitor...I don't taint my lips for just anyone." His grin widened and James laughed, the earlier tension diffused while the two smoked, Remus laughed and Peter snored rather loudly.

Sirius and James sat in a corner, their heads very close together as they spoke in rapid whispers. Remus raised an eyebrow as he entered the common room and Sirius glanced up before waving him over with a gesture that was simply too like a master summoning his servant. With a small huff he moved and sat down forming a circle with James and Sirius's knees.

"Look, if we don't have the spell perfected it'll go horribly wrong, trust me. We need to practice..." Sirius was saying softly.

James rolled his eyes. "But then, if we don't do it soon we'll have missed our timing! Timing is important too..."

Sirius frowned, chewing on his lip. "Well...yeah..." He conceded. "I just don't want a bad prank on my name...we're supposed to be the Marauders...people expect a certain kind of standard from us."

"People expect you to have grown up by now." Remus said with a sigh. "You can't do anything, we have exams coming up and people have to revise! If you mess up the seventh years exams they'll kill you!"

"You know, you could be a lot more help if you got that rod out your arse, Moony." Sirius said casually.

"I have spent enough time in detention, thank you very much."

"No problem." James said, dragging a book from god knows where and opening it at a marked page. He frowned and pointed at something. "Here...This is the spell. To be honest I don't think it looks too complicated..."

Remus, despite himself, leaned forward, reading the book upside down. "Is that...?"

"Yeah." Both Sirius and James said in unison. Remus didn't like it when they did that, it was bordering on creepy...but not as creepy as watching them finishing each other's sentences and grinning those virtually identical grins. It was like they were supposed to be twins but something went wrong along the way and they ended up in two completely different environments.

"You two creep me out sometimes..." He muttered finally, but they were ignoring him in favour of learning this new and way too dangerous spell. So, Remus got up and made his way quietly to the Dorms.

Dinner was a strange affair, Sirius and James were sat together trying to prevent giggles escaping as the teachers passed back and forth, which was unusual in itself. Then, McGonagall stood up, her hawk-like eyes sweeping the hall and landing on Sirius and James who put on their most innocent expressions and sat quietly while she spoke.

"Whoever has decided to glue the Slytherin's common room door shut, put up large posters of certain students in various states of undress, and made everything in the dungeons glitter and sing whenever someone walks past, please report to my office."

People began talking, and Remus craned his neck and saw that there were two first year Slytherin's at their table, looking very scared and alone. Sirius couldn't hold it in, he burst into hysterics, leaning backwards and laughing. James was soon to follow and then the whole of Gryffindor, once realising who had done it was applauding and laughing with them. A shadow loomed over them and they looked around, smiling up at McGonnagall. "Professor, can we help you with anything?" Sirius asked, as smooth and charming as ever.

"You can come to my office, now." She said darkly and strode off.

Sirius chuckled and pushed hair from his eyes. "Ah, she just can't get enough of us, can she, Prongs?"

"Nope, we are just irresistible even to hundred year old hawks." James grinned and they high fived before standing. "Well, let's see what kinky punishment dear old McGonagall has in store for us delinquents."

Sirius stood, throwing his arm around James's shoulder and they walked off together. Remus watched them go, and he again remembered the kiss Sirius had planted on James...he shivered and frowned. Surely he wasn't...it was impossible...no. Absolutely insane to actually be jealous of James...was it? He sighed and felt his head slam into the table making Peter spill his juice. "I'm being driven insane." He whispered to the wood.

"Why?" Peter asked.

"Because I thought it would be easy..." He spoke with more of a groan. "Because I didn't think! I just let it happen! I let...oh god..." He banged his head again, making glasses tinkle. Sirius seemed to have such a hold on him now that he was no longer the sensible, mature one of the group...although it was very difficult to be sensible and mature when Sirius's hands were down his pants and touching in that special way he did...and his mouth is crushed against his own and all thought is useless, random and disconnected because all that matters is that Sirius's hands never fucking stop doing that...

"Sirius...we'll be caught..." Remus gasped, trying to reassert himself into reality.

"No, we won't...stop being a prude and just let me...ahh..." Sirius groaned, his hands clutching at Remus's shirt, trying to pull it out of his trousers. "Come on...just once...it can't hurt..."

Remus groaned, tipping his back as Sirius spent some time kissing his throat and running his clever tongue up his neck. "Sirius...S-Stop I-ahhh...god..." His hips jerked uncontrollably into the hot palm that held him. They were in a class room, a place for learning and studying...not somewhere they should be doing this...but Sirius's breath was on his neck, his hands so deliciously tight that he was once again feeling that mad, frantic insanity clouding his mind and destroying rational thought.

"There...you like it..." Sirius whispered into his hair. He felt Remus shaking as he slid his hand over his erection, he felt Remus's hands on his own shirt clinging on for dear life. His own erection rubbed almost painfully against his jeans and he couldn't help the soft moans escaping him. This was better than any girl, Remus's body was firm, the muscles moving beneath his skin and his bones all pointy and hard...Sirius couldn't get enough of it. The wonderful, intoxicating scent of the boy he had pinned against the wall was unforgettable, like chocolate and old musty books and a scent that was just Remus. He loved making Remus lose control, that dark, hungry look that entered his eyes almost always threatened to push him over the edge even before they got down to the real business. It was messy, passionate and bordering on outright violence. Sirius felt comfortable knowing it would take a lot to really hurt Remus where as girls were delicate and tended not to enjoy his preferred brand of love making. Everything was just so easy...
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