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Lucky Strike	By : SpeedyTomato Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male > Harry/Sirius Views: 76061 -:- Recommendations : 4 -:- Currently Reading : 17
Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter and make no money off this strange dance in JK Rowling's world.

Chapter List
- 5
- 6
- 7
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Beta'd by the most amazing Tenchi, who I can't thank enough for all the hard work she does for me!

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Chapter 5

Standing in the doorway of the small living room that was at the back of the house, Remus watched Harry, not sure what to do. Leaning against the jamb, he crossed his arms over his chest and gazed at the expression on his son's face. It made his heart ache to see it. There was anger there, of course, but there were also plenty of other emotions as well, all seeming to war with each other. Harry's Mind Healer had just left. It had been their normal appointment, but it appeared as though it was one of the tougher sessions his son had with the man. Harry, as a rule, didn't like the sessions anyway, though even he would admit that they helped more than he thought they would when it came to dealing with so much. Some, as Remus was well aware, were very hard to deal with. It appeared this was one of those.
Gazing at his son, he didn't know how to handle the situation. Severus was much better at dealing with Harry after some of the tougher sessions. He was certain that had to do with the fact that his husband had seen so much during the last war when he was a spy and a Death Eater. Though some of what Harry went through shocked and sickened even Severus, he was better at being analytical about it as well as being able to mask what he felt. Lucius was the same way. Sirius, though he couldn’t mask his feelings like they did, could handle it as well, at least for a time, then he would go blow off steam doing something else. Him? He was never good at it. So much that happened and what Harry dealt with was beyond what he knew how to handle, so he couldn't hide what he felt when it came to that.
Right now, Sirius was meeting with Rufus and Severus was picking up not only ingredients for his business but meeting with a couple of clients, so they wouldn't be back for a while. Which left him to deal with this. Sighing imperceptibly, he didn't know what to do. He was going to try, though.
Watching Harry hold Bugs close, stroking down the rabbit's back as he gazed out the window, Remus stepped in to the room and walked over to him. Seeing the young man look in his direction, he smiled then seated himself on the couch by him. Slipping an arm around Harry's shoulders, he pulled him close then kissed him on top the top of the head. Holding him there, he asked, gently, “Would you like to talk about what's bothering you? You look plenty upset.”
Stroking Bugs' soft ears as the rabbit curled up to him, Harry said, quietly, “It wasn’t a fun session, that's all.”
“I assumed, what with the look on your face.” Remus told him softly. “You can talk to me about anything, you know that, Harry.”

“Yeah, I know,” Harry said, leaning heavily against his dad, shutting his eyes. Shaking his head, he admitted, “I just don't want to. Talking with the Healer was bad enough. I don't want to talk anymore about it.” After a couple of moments, he added, voice almost a whisper, “I'd like to stay like this a while though.”

“We can, for as long as you want, Harry,” Remus told him, rubbing where his hand rested on the young man's shoulder. “What are you feeling? Can you tell me that?”
“Many things,” Harry admitted. “None of them are fun either. There's lots of anger, that's for damned sure, and others I can't tell you exactly what they are because it's so muddled.”

“I understand,” Remus said with a nod. “Sometimes one emotion is hard enough to deal with. When more get tossed in there, it makes it worse and so confusing.”
“I can tell you one thing for certain; I never want to hear the question 'how does that make you feel' again anytime soon. If I do, I'm liable to punch someone,” Harry groused, slouching slightly.
Chuckling a little, knowing that Harry's Mind Healer used that particular question quite often, Remus told him, “It can grow wearing, I admit that. Sometimes, though, it's hard to tell with you what you're feeling. And, others, we ask because it sometimes helps you figure out what you're feeling on a topic when you're confused. That's not always as easy as it sounds, as you know well. When you have to figure it out, it can, sometimes, help you sort through everything.”
“Yeah, I know,” Harry admitted with a small nod. “Just today—he was a little overboard with it and it made me want to throw something at him.”
“Did you tell him that?” Remus asked, smiling a little as he knew the answer that was coming.
“You bet your arse I did,” Harry said with a tiny grin. “He quit too, thankfully.”
“Good. You should do that so he knows you're reaching a limit of some kind. He can't always judge when he's getting close to that.” Stopping, holding Harry close, he kissed him on the head again then asked as gently as he could, “Is it the mess with James and Lily that's bothering you the most? Or is it something else?”
“Mostly, yeah,” Harry admitted. “It's bringing up a bunch of other shite that I don't want to deal with either.” Stopping, he shook his head and added, “I just want them to go crawl back in whatever hole they came out of and not show up again. I don't think that's going to happen, though.”
“I think, honestly, all of us wish that, Harry,” Remus admitted. “We were doing very well until they decided to pull this. It's not something we need. And, I agree, I don't think this is the end of dealing with them either. We have plans in place to do that, though. Don't worry. As all of us have told you; you're staying right where you are and you don't have to deal with them if you don't want to.”
“I know all that,” Harry sighed, shaking his head. “I just—my gut tells me it's not going to be that easy. They aren't going to leave it alone. I'm not sure why I feel that way, but I do.” Reaching up to rub his eyes in a tired way, Harry sighed, “I want them to. I don't ever want to see them again. Shite, if I thought it would make it to where I never had to see them ever, I wouldn't even consider doing that bitch session at them.”
Shutting his eyes and leaning against Harry, holding him close, Remus admitted, “I think we all feel that way as well. I'm not going to lie and say we think it's over either. It's not, I'm sure of that. Part of it I do believe is that both of them do want to try to make this right with you and tell you how sorry they are for what happened. That actually may push it. Another part, through, is that they may see it as it'll just take time to get you back to where they can get what they want. I don't know about that, though. It's just a guess on my part.”
“Sorry doesn't fix this,” Harry told him with a shake of his head. “It's like throwing a glass at the wall and breaking it. Telling the damned thing you're sorry doesn't make it repair itself. Words can't do that. And there's so much shite here that I deal with every day that no amount of anything is going to fix it by them admitting they were wrong or trying to undo it. I'm not going to get over all that shite and play nice. I blame them and that arse Dumbledore for all this. And I don't think anyone would argue with me that it's the right place to lay part of it.”
“We won't,” Remus said firmly. “They hold plenty of responsibility here for all that happened to you. And, you're right, they can't fix it and words don't even start to repair the damage. They can't.”
“How is it they think I could ever trust them again, even a little, if they were willing to dump me on a doorstep once and run off? You aren't going to trust anyone after they do that shite! They didn't even bother to check on me either.” Harry groused, holding Bugs closer.
“I don't think you can.” Remus told him honestly. “I wouldn't and I'm far more forgiving than you are. That's without all the other mess added in to it as well. They need to really own their responsibility for what happened to you before they even attempt to repair anything. And they need to admit that this might not be repairable and move on if it isn't. You're allowed to tell them to get lost and that you don't want anything to do with them. They need to accept that.”
“And, if I'm not bad enough, what happened to Sirius was plenty horrible as well,” Harry told him, shaking his head. “I mean, he went to prison without a trial for killing them! If they are going to allow that to continue and not have taken any kind of steps to make sure he wasn't blamed, that's meaning there is plenty rotten there and they can't be trusted.”
“That's something else you'll hear no arguments from anyone about either,” Remus said honestly. “They could have done something, somewhere, to make sure that Sirius was cleared. It didn't happen.”

Sitting there, quiet, Harry was trying to sort through everything going on in his head. That wasn't easy as he didn't know how to define any of it.
Looking down at his son, seeing the pensive expression on his face, Remus asked gently, “What's bothering you the worst right now?”
“That it hurts,” Harry told him quietly. “That this shite hurts. It doesn’t make sense, I know that, but it does. I mean, since coming to stay with you lot, everyone's always told me how much they loved me. It was a case of they loved me enough to die for me while trying to protect me from that evil bastard. That gave me some kind of—I don't know, reassurance? I don't know if that's the word—that someone long ago did care enough about me to protect me and that they loved me. I didn't know any of that until Lucius rescued me. Now, well, it's like all of it was a lie. I got my hopes up that they were people who did and it turns out they were no better than many of the people I knew during that time. They made it look good, like they were wonderful and all that, when deep down they were just the same as everyone else. I don't know if that makes sense.” Sighing, he added, “I shouldn't care, I know that, because I never met them, but it hurts to know that everything I was told about them when it comes to so much was fake and they were the ones that faked it.” Huffing, he shook his head, “Why does this hurt? I don't understand! They were always nothing but an illusion to me, something made up of pictures and stories everyone told me. It wasn't something real that I knew. I don't understand this!”
That was one Remus didn't fully know how to answer. Sighing, he looked at the floor and said, “I think it does because we all painted you a mental picture of what they were like and it turns out it was false. You had something to cling to that gave you a form of comfort. That was probably more pronounced because of how horrific your life was after you were taken. Though you're a tough young man, something we'll all agree on, knowing you had parents that loved you was something I'm sure you needed, like almost everyone else in this world. It was something you never knew and that made it so attractive, especially when we all told you how wonderful they were.” Stroking Harry's head gently, he said, lowering his voice, “And it hurts because you're not the cold, callous person so many think you are from some of what you project to those that don't know you. You have plenty of feelings, Harry, just like everyone else in this world. Something like this would hurt almost everyone. Sirius and I are both feeling the same kind of thing, though we have something more tangible to base it on.”

Taking that in and thinking it over, Harry sighed, “I wish I could shut it off or shove it aside for a while.”

“I know,” Remus soothed. “We all do. That's not something we can do, though. And, honestly, you don't want to shut that off. If you shut it off, it means you shut off the positive as well. There is plenty of that in your life too. You know that I, Sirius, Severus, Lucius and the others you let close aren't going to do this to you. We've always kept our word and don't play games.”
“I know,” Harry told him, smiling a little. “It's just so hard. I used to shut everything off so I could deal with what was going on and go to somewhere in my head. I—I've tried that since this started and I can't. It doesn't work anymore.”
“Maybe that's because you've developed another way to deal with it. You can talk to your Mind Healer or any of us. When you do that, it helps, even you've said that. Maybe having people you trust and that you're able to talk to them replaced 'going away' to deal with it.” Lowering his voice, he said, “It's probably a better way to deal with it, honestly, especially since this kind of pain is only mental. You're strong enough to deal with it, though it's not easy.”

“Maybe,” Harry agreed after pondering that. “That might be it. The physical part is the big one I tried to hide from. I don't have to do that anymore, even with Sirius. That was—I won't talk about that, sorry.”
“I don't think you have to for me to understand,” Remus told him honestly, his voice gentle. “I can easily guess what you mean. Sirius is probably the first person that never hurt you. Sex wasn't a pleasurable act for you, Harry. We all know that. It was something you had to endure and probably didn't enjoy most times, despite your body's reaction to it. Sirius is different because you know he adores you and would never do anything you don't like or to hurt you.” Lowering his voice, he said, “And you can talk to me about anything, Harry. Even this. The only thing I ask is you don't give me too many details unless it's something that might be from a physical problem. Severus doesn't handle this part well, but I can.”

“Alright,” Harry told him, turning in his seat slightly and draping an arm around Remus' middle. “And you're right; that's how it was. I mean, I did because I wanted to with some, it was just—not something I enjoyed much. Usually, I did it for other reasons.” Changing back to the original topic, he said, “I think you might be right on the other because of the no physical part. The physical end was easy to hide from. Some of the other bits weren't. And I never could block those out completely or make them go away.”
Sighing, Remus said, “With this—I don't think it's something that's going to allow you to hide from it, no matter what you do or how hard you try. That's because we still have to deal with it and so much needs handled when it comes to what's going on.” Holding his son close, he said, “And it's not going away anytime soon. That makes it even worse. Just when you thought you could hide, it would come back up and you would have to face it again.”
“Which majorly sucks,” Harry groused, pressing tighter to Remus.
“That it does,” Remus admitted with a small smile. “Just keep in mind that no matter what they try, you're staying right here, Harry. We've all promised you that. Even Rufus has. You know he keeps his word. Amelia told James and Lily that herself, too. Severus and I both heard her say it. You're our son, not theirs anymore. Nothing, nowhere, will change that. And nothing they will try will work when it comes to that part.”
“I know,” Harry told him with a little smile. Sitting there, he thought about the mess then asked, quietly, “Why do you think they came back? I've heard bits, of course, and it's about that psycho bastard that gave me the scar.”

Blowing out a breath, Remus told him honestly, “We don't know the whole reason either. What we've been able to piece together is it has something to do with what you already know; that there are signs he's back. That's why Lucius was in that awful place that night; to get that cup. Beyond that, we're not sure. It's our guess, and keep in mind that's all it is, that Albus knows something about what's going on and planned for it before he faked his death. Then he drew James and Lily into those plans. What that might be is beyond all of us. Until he starts talking, we're not going to know.”
“You mean you think all this mess was planned all along? That he knew the bastard wasn't really dead?” Harry asked, rolling his eyes up to look at him.
“That seems to be the leaning, yes,” Remus admitted quietly. “Which leads to even more problems if that's the case. Albus is—tricky to work with. He always was. He holds his cards very close to his vest and almost no one knows what he might be planning for.”
Sighing, Harry shook his head. Thinking it over, he asked, tone wary, “This has something to do with me, doesn't it? I mean, he needed me to be here for some reason, didn't he?”
Though reluctant to admit it, Remus did, saying, “We think so. It's another thing we don't honestly know, but it seems to fit.”
“The barmy old bastard needs to leave me out of whatever the hell screwed up scheme he has,” Harry snarled.

“We plan to make sure you're out of whatever it is,” Remus assured him.
“I have enough problems that I don't need to deal with some psychotic bastard on top of them,” Harry sighed.
“We know,” Remus told him, stroking his head. “And it's something we'll make very clear.”
Letting loose of Bugs, feeling the rabbit cuddle close to him, Harry sighed and rubbed his eyes. Blinking, he said, “I'm so tired.”
“You can take a nap if you like, you know that.”
“I still don’t like sleeping alone yet,” Harry admitted softly.
That was one of those habits they all learned when Harry came to live with them. For safety and protection, the kids Harry was with always slept together in pairs so they could keep an eye on each other. That was a habit Harry hadn't broken yet. As stressed as he was right now, it had to be more pronounced. Running his fingers through Harry's hair, Remus told him, “You can sleep right here if you like. I'll hold you until Sirius gets back. Then you can move to your room.”
“I'd like that,” Harry told him quietly, curling up tighter to him and shutting his eyes.
“You're fine with me and safe, you know that, Harry,” Remus assured him, continuing to stroke his head.
“I know,” Harry told him, not opening his eyes, but smiling a little.

Looking at the scene in the living room, Severus smiled slightly. Harry's head was in Remus' lap and it was obvious the young man was asleep. He was holding Bugs close, as he always did anymore, while Remus just ran his fingers through his hair. This was something that would have been unthinkable only a year ago.
After a few minutes of just watching, he stepped into the room. Seeing his husband look at him, he asked, keeping his voice down so he didn't disturb the sleeping young man, “All's well?”
“We're fine, Severus,” Remus told him with a smile. “Harry had a rough session, but we talked for a while then he went to sleep. I think he felt better after we did.”
Walking over and sitting on the arm of the couch, Severus reached down to rub the young man's head. “Probably. I assumed this session would be rough with all that's going on. It had been my hope to finish before it was over. I just couldn't manage.”
“It's nothing to worry about,” Remus assured him. “We did fine.” Lowering his voice, he said, smiling, “And he didn't try anything with me before he went to sleep. It's been a long time since he has and even this mess didn't bring on another bout of him attempting something sexual for a coping mechanism.”
“Which is a very positive sign,” Severus said, pleased with that.
“It is.” Remus told him, looking up at him. “Did you get the stuff for the costumes?”
“It's with Narcissa,” Severus told him with a smirk. “She'll have it ready by tonight as it's nothing nearly as complex as the other costumes.”
“Harry will be surprised and pleased, both,” Remus told him, smiling again.
“He will,” Severus said smugly. “I'd rather go in costume anyway, that way we don't stand out. I'm sure that James knows the exact limits of that restraining order and won't be put off by us having it. This way we can keep watch on the three and let them have fun without concerning themselves about this end of the mess. Harry has enough problems in clubs like this because of the females; he doesn't need another worry to add to it. If he knows we're there keeping watch over him, he's not going to have a setback in this area.”
“Exactly,” Remus nodded. Eying his husband warily, he asked, tone sharp, “You didn't pick anything too outrageous for mine, did you?”
“Absolutely not,” Severus told him smugly, lifting his chin. “The most outrageous part is you'll be wearing a bunch of bananas on your head.”
Knowing what video that was from and how the rest of the costume looked, Remus nodded, “I can handle that. The tuxedo type thing isn't bad at all.”
“Certainly better than my white satin suit,” Severus sighed with a shake of his head. “I wasn't wearing tight jeans or a leather outfit, so that didn't leave many options for me.”
“Oh, I don't know. I think you would look very nice in tight jeans or leather,” Remus told him with a smile.
Smirking at that, Severus said, “I would wear them around you, but I'm not going out in public like that.”
“I may hold you to that offer, Severus,” Remus chuckled.
“And I wouldn't mind.” Severus replied.
- 5
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Lucky Strike