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Learning Life Over	By : Meander Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male > Harry/Draco Views: 69712 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 1
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, nor any of the characters from the books or movies. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 59
- 60
- 61
Chapter 60- In Praise of Uncertainty

�� Harry tried
to hold a calm expression on his face as he and Draco sat down, once again in
the library, but it was hard. This could mean the end of everything, if he
wasn�t careful. He�d come here intending to reconcile, but if he said the wrong
thing, then Draco might take it as a worse insult than anything he�d offered so
far-

�� He let out
a sharp breath and shook his head at himself. With the decision he�d made,
uncertainty should be the last thing he feared.

�� Do you
need some water, Harry?� Draco�s concerned voice interrupted his reverie. Harry
looked up to see him leaning forward from the chair opposite him.

�� And his
mood changed again, from simple fear to the same mixture of calculation and
daring that had let him plunge from his broom in front of hundreds of
spectators. If he did that, he could surely do this.

�� No,
thanks,� he said, and sat up straighter. Draco mimicked him, eyes hopeful but
narrowed. Harry nodded a bit. Well, that�s how it should be. He couldn�t
give in and simply accept what I told him, any more than I could just accept
that he tortured the Dursleys.

�� I came
here because I do want to reconcile with you,� he said. �Move back into the
Manor, live with you, and- � He swallowed several times. He�d actually
practiced this speech before he arrived, in fear he�d forget it, but he found
it hard to say with Draco�s eyes piercing him through.

�� Draco
leaned forward and clasped his hand, squeezing hard enough to remind Harry of
Angelina�s grasp. �Just say what you mean,� he muttered.

�� And try to
love you as best I can,� said Harry, and ignored the expression of triumph
slipping over Draco�s face. The next was the part of the speech Draco might
hate him for. �That means I need some things from you, too.�

�� Name
them.�

�� Shit.
Harry hadn�t counted on the tone of Draco�s voice sending so much heat to his
groin that it was hard to concentrate. He licked his lips, breathed shallowly
for a moment, and then said, �First, I want to trust you again. I think I was
wrong to stop trusting you so quickly last time.�

�� Of course
you were.� Draco�s face was alight, his gray eyes so bright that to look at
them nearly hurt, like looking at sunlight reflected off ice. He leaned nearer,
and Harry didn�t think he was sitting in his own chair any more, though he was
still in a crouched position. His body shook with what could be excitement-

�� Harry
pushed the thought away as hard as he could. The last thing he wanted was to
tumble into bed with Draco when this argument, or reconciliation, was still
only half- finished.

�� Though
tumbling into bed with him when it�s finished-

�� Then he had
to convince that thought to leave him alone, too, and by the time he
did, Draco�s face was a few inches from his, breath soft and warm. And, God,
his eyes, his eyes were so bright.

�� Harry
ordered himself to stop being a mooning idiot right now. That seemed to help.
�If you ever torture someone who hurt me without telling me again,� he
breathed, �no matter who they are or what they did, then that�s the end
forever.�

�� Draco
jerked his head back, eyes dimming and nostrils flared with indignation. �But
if someone kidnaps you and hurts you, Harry- �

�� I don�t
care.�

�� The
Ministry owes you for holidays you should have had and their treatment of you- �

�� No.�

�� You know
that I have enemies who might try to hurt you, too, if only as a means of
getting at me- �

�� Harry held
up his free hand. �That�s different. Those are your enemies. I�m talking
about people like the Dursleys, who never tried to hurt you directly, but only
struck at me.�

�� Draco�s
fingers closed on his hard enough to make Harry�s arm tremble. He didn�t drop
his eyes or wince with pain, though, only stared into Draco�s eyes without
blinking, to make him understand how very serious this was.

�� I don�t
understand you,� Draco said at last. �How can you not want revenge for
what they did to you, Harry?�

�� First of
all,� Harry said, shifting his hand until Draco was forced to loosen his tight
hold at least a little, �not all revenge has to come in the form of torture.
Your imagination is too limited.� He�d hoped that would win a smile, but Draco
just went on studying him as if he were one of the mysteries of the universe.
�And second,� Harry continued, �I think all my passion for revenge burned out
of me when I killed Voldemort. It struck me as useless. It�ll never heal my
pain, and it won�t bring back my dead.� He had to swallow a lump before he
could continue, thinking about what he would have given for Ron and Hermione
and the others to return. �All it does is make you feel better, Draco.
It�s essentially a selfish passion. And while there�s very little that I won�t
do to make you happy, I draw the line at that.�

�� He had
known that Draco might not accept this condition. But the determination he�d
come to when he sat down and thought sustained him. If Draco could not
accept this- which Harry thought was an entirely reasonable thing to ask, since
these were his enemies, and it should be his decision what to do
to them, if anything- then Harry would walk away.

�� Draco had
changed his life, had made him fall in love, and had given him hope again. But
Harry would not stay with him out of gratitude alone. That was too
severe a payment for any debt. And he�d already spent enough of his life doing
what he saw as his duty for the sake of others.

�� You still
don�t like what I did to the Dursleys,� Draco said, as if that astounded him.

�� I accept
that it happened,� Harry said, staring at him. �I accept that you think it was
right. I accept that I want to move past it now, and look at you as more than
just the Dursleys� tormentor. But no power on earth will ever convince me you
were justified.�

�� This was
the decision he had come to, the way he could reconcile with Draco and yet stay
true to his principles. If he wanted to put the Dursleys� abuse in the past and
live with the scars, he should also want to put Draco�s abuse of them in the
past, especially since they no longer remembered the torture, thanks to his Obliviate.
He could offer his forgiveness and his willingness to live with Draco. But he
did not have to agree that Draco was right.

�� For long
moments, Draco went on gazing at him. Harry gazed back. If Draco really chose
revenge over him, then Draco wasn�t the person Harry thought he was, and he
would have much less regret in abandoning him.

�� Then Draco
said, very softly, �I promise never to torture your enemies again without
speaking to you about it first,� and leaned forward to kiss him.

�� Harry
gasped, in relief and thankfulness and wonder, and that caused Draco to slip
his tongue into his mouth. Harry groaned into the kiss, but resisted the
impulse to drag Draco down on his chair and have his way with him right now. He
still had more to say.

*

�� Draco found
Harry�s condition for acceptance of his behavior very strange- what kind of
person wouldn�t wish to visit retribution on their enemies if they got
the chance?- but he could obey it. He�d talked around it for so long merely to
make sure Harry wouldn�t change his mind. After all, if he could have both of
the things he wanted, Harry and revenge, he might as well have them both.

�� And now
that was past, and they could get to what was important.

�� Draco
kissed Harry thoroughly enough that his head should be swimming, and then
leaned on him until he forced his head into the chair back. One hand still
pinioned Harry�s right hand; the other was free to roam. Draco didn�t see any
point in playing coy. They were both grown men who knew exactly what they
desired. Draco slipped a hand between Harry�s legs and squeezed.

�� Harry
gasped, his eyes rolling back. Draco smirked against his throat, where he�d
moved his mouth. He won�t be rational in a moment, and then I can move us to
my bedroom. He�d adjusted the wards inside the Manor so that accepted
guests could Apparate directly to his bedroom or Harry�s. It was going to be
useful, if the way Harry was squirming against him was any indication.

�� And then
Harry said, �Stop.�

�� You must
be joking,� Draco said, pulling his mouth free to mutter that only because he
thought his superior tone would be of use in convincing Harry not to abandon
their activities.

�� I am.�
Harry gripped his chin with one strong hand, holding him still, and looked at
him. �I�m not done talking yet.�

�� You don�t
want this as much as I do, then,� Draco hissed at him. He was sure that wasn�t
true, but if he could use guilt to make Harry do what he should be
doing, what was a lie to him?

�� Of course
I do,� Harry said. �And when we finally go to bed, I don�t want anything to
interrupt us, including any nagging little worries that I still have.� Gently,
he forced Draco�s head back.

�� That�s
at least a reasonable objection, Draco thought, but only sat back until he
was straddling Harry�s legs instead of crawling into his lap. �And what else did
you have to say?� he inquired, shifting his balance as if his erection made it
uncomfortable for him to sit still. The way the slight motion rubbed him
against Harry was entirely incidental, of course.

�� Harry
grasped his hips and held him still.

�� Draco
raised an eyebrow. Well. He�s learned.

�� I wanted
to say that I�m not going to demand anything unreasonable out of you,� Harry
began, and then stopped and laughed, probably at the expression Draco could
feel taking over his own face. He put a hand behind Draco�s neck and tugged him
forward until their foreheads rested against each other�s. The rim of his
glasses cut into Draco�s brow, but he wasn�t about to complain. �I�m going to try,
at least,� Harry amended his sentence. �I want us to be as equal as possible. I
want us to be as free as possible, too. I don�t want to cost you more than I
bring to you- �

�� How in the
world could you do that?� Draco hissed, and nipped his neck. Harry�s eyes went
glassy for a moment, but he recovered far too fast.

�� Snape came
and visited me a few days ago,� Harry said. �He told me that I had no idea what
kind of sacrifices you�d gone through to become the man you are, and that I
would cost you more than I could imagine.� He paused, eyes searching Draco�s.
�Can you tell me what he meant?�

�� Draco
snorted, his heart beating fast in relief. �My sacrifices were a normal part of
growing up,� he said. �I changed my mind about several different things in the
wake of my trial by the Wizengamot- about Muggleborns and half-bloods, mostly.
I also lost my father, and I could only visit him in Azkaban a few times. And I
had to learn enough about money to manage the Malfoy vaults and keep my mother
from controlling them.� He scowled a bit. He knew that he had used Severus as a
confidante during that time, but Severus had no business to make it sound as if
he�d gone through the labors of Hercules just to force Harry away from him. �I
changed, yes, and sometimes I think I changed too much for Severus�s taste,
because I became more involved with the world while he remained a recluse.� He
nipped Harry�s neck again, and thoughtfully decided that there was nothing in
the world that tasted so good. �But it wasn�t anything your leaving me would
help. If anything, you�re going to add to the store of good things in my life.�
He pressed downwards again, instinctively seeking pressure and fiction for his
cock.

�� Harry�s
hips bucked involuntarily, and his voice was breathless when he said, �You�re
sure? I know my life will be richer with you around, but if your life- �

�� I love
you,� Draco said, impatient with this line of thought. �I want you. I don�t
care to forsake you, unless you walk away from me.�

�� Harry
kissed him, a gentle, close-mouthed kiss of the kind he�d given him when Draco
opened the Manor�s front door. �That�s part of what I worry about,� he
murmured. �I know this might not last forever. It could, but not if we
don�t work at it, if we just somehow assume that it�ll continue. I don�t want
you to think it must be perfect, when it won�t be, and I don�t want you to
assume I�m worth any sacrifice. I�m not.� He surveyed Draco in silence.

�� You�re far
too delicate,� Draco said, even though the joy had returned, and, along with
it, a deep pleasure that Harry had thought this much about him in particular.
�You don�t want me to have a moment�s unhappiness, do you?�

�� Of course
not,� Harry said, and then his smile flashed. �Unless you deserve it for being
a teasing Slytherin brat.�

�� I�m sure
that I�ll be far happier with you than without you,� said Draco. �And- � He
stopped when he would have said that he wouldn�t let Harry go. He�d said that
before, and Harry hadn�t believed him. Besides, that might be a promise of the
kind of forever Harry didn�t want, the one where they just assumed that if
problems arose, the problems wouldn�t end their relationship because they�d
cling to one another. It would take more than clinging to one another to
preserve their bond. Draco had seen that with this latest fight. It was letting
him alone to make his own decisions that had ultimately brought Harry back to
him.

�� I don�t
know if we�ll be together sixty years from now,� he finished, to Harry�s
inquiring gaze. �But I�m willing to try.�

�� And this
time, Harry finally took the message Draco had been writing for him in large
letters and crushed Draco�s lips with his, clicking their teeth together and
filling Draco�s mouth with the taste of copper. Draco eagerly kissed back, and
tried to press Harry�s head into the chair again, only to find those large
hands arresting his movements.

�� Not this
time,� Harry growled into his ear. �I�ve let you tease me. Now it�s my turn to
do what I like.�

�� Draco
laughed into the kiss, and decided that his mouth was too occupied to tell
Harry that he didn�t mind that; he was only too happy they were finally
getting on with it.

�� Talking was
all very well, but Draco had always felt that a properly strong lovers�
relationship deserved a sexual component as well, and sitting about on chairs
soulfully gazing at one another didn�t count.

�� And if sex
would silence the childish voice in his head shrieking, He came back, he
came back, he�s mine!, then Draco was all for it.
- 59
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- 61
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Learning Life Over