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Amore et Amicitia	By : Kimmimaru Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male > Sirius/James Views: 6683 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 1
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any characters or settings by JK Rowling. I make no profit from this story.

Chapter List
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AN: A seasonal Themed chapter now, I apologise for it's shortness I haven't had time to do much writing due to the sheer amount of Dr. Who I have started re-watching. :/ *Guilty face* Anyways, please forgive me this lapse I promise next chapter will be longer! Don't hate me! :(

Chapter Sixty: Verbum Caro (Merry Christmas)

The trees in the little bit of grass in the street rustled as a wind blew through their branches, shadows danced and orange light from the street lamps flickered across a white face. Sirius stood in shadows with his hands clenched into fists, he stared intently at his childhood home and let memories wash over him; his brother’s laughter, his mother’s screams and his father’s painful fists. He took a slow breath and held it as the door to Number Twelve opened, a woman stepped out and locked it behind her. She was stooped slightly with age, her hair was liberally streaked with silver and her face lined. Sirius gazed at what his mother had become and felt nothing. He didn’t know what he had been expecting to feel but the absence of emotion wasn’t it.

“You embarrass us in front of guests with your rebellious stubbornness, you cause arguments, you force your father to threaten to disown you! You are the heir to this family Sirius, if you do not shoulder your responsibilities you will find yourself in a difficult situation! Do not force my hand.”

“How dare you stain this, the most ancient house, with your persistent rebellion! I raised you to know better, I raised you to be a good son, like your brother! Regulus has always been the good son, he, at least, cares what becomes of his family. How could you be so shallow and selfish? Regulus has never disappointed me, not like you! Sirius Orion Black, if you do not clean up your act we will think of a more suitable and binding punishment! When your father returns I shall have him deal with you.”

“Filth! Bloodtraitor! Disgusting vile creature!”

“I have had enough of you and your continued disobedience! You useless, pathetic excuse for a pureblood! How could you embarrass me like this?! I WISH YOU WOULD JUST DIE!”

“...Fithly Bloodtraitor...”

“Useless...”

“Pathetic...”

“Stop crying!”

“How dare you...”

“...Never as good as your brother...”

“...Wish you had never been born...”

“Stain of Dishonour...”

“I should have killed you when you were born!”

“DIE! DIE! DIE!”

He took a sharp breath and shook his head in an attempt to dislodge the noise of his mother’s screeching, he slipped silently out of the shadows and turned away from the house, from his elderly mother, from those horrible memories…

XXX

“James…? Can I ask you a quick question?” Remus asked as he gazed at his best friend as though he had finally cracked.

James beamed at him happily. “Of course, fire away Moony.”

“Er…you do know Christmas was last month…don’t you?”

James laughed brightly, he swayed slightly on the ladder he had climbed as he clutched a star in one hand and tried to place it atop the massive green tree. Needles scattered the carpet like spiky green snow, tinsel had been wrapped around James’ neck as he poked his tongue out between his teeth and finally attached the star…which was red. “Of course I do, Remus. I’m not stupid.”

Remus looked as if he could think of many reasons why this was not true but he held his tongue. “Then why are you putting up the decorations you took down merely weeks ago?”

James turned and looked at him as if he was insane. “Don’t you know?”

“Obviously not.” Remus said slowly, there was a tinge of worry in his voice but James suddenly laughed brightly.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t explain did i?” He slid down the ladder and landed on the carpet with his hands on his hips and wand clutched in his fist. “This Christmas Sirius was locked up in Azkaban, he was probably unaware of the time of year let alone able to celebrate…so, we recreate Christmas especially for him!”

Remus’ eyes lit up and a grin split his face. “Prongs, my old friend? You are brilliant.”

James shrugged away the compliment. “You doubted that?” He said and ruffled his hair up at the back with a wink.

XXX

Sirius opened the door and stepped into the house, his eyes remained downcast as he kicked off his boots and shed his leather jacket. It took him a moment for the sound of laughter to reach his ears, slowly he lifted his head and his jaw dropped. The banister of the stairs was wound with ivy and holly, bright red berries stood out starkly against the lush greens. Tinsel surrounded the moving pictures, he saw enchanted snow resting in the windows and icicles hanging from the ceiling. He frowned in confusion, he had been so certain it was January, could he have been wrong? If he was wrong about that, what about the date? How long had he really been locked away for? It had seemed an eternity inside but Remus had told him it had only been a year, had they lied to him? Why? Slowly he stepped onto the carpet and suddenly live fairies flew up towards the ceiling squealing in tiny voices, Sirius flinched backwards automatically and groped for his wand but by the time he had found it the fairies hung from the ceiling like so many tiny stars. He took a small breath as he gazed at the dots of light and felt a smile tugging at his lips, slowly he began walking down the corridor towards the living room door. He could hear a fire crackling in the hearth and the clinking of glasses, the scent of sherry and mince pies assaulted his nose and brought back fond memories of curling up in bed with James and Remus with food and drink as they told each other stories and laughed and joked on a cold Christmas eve at Hogwarts.

Abruptly singing reached him, he could hear James’ loud and horrible voice destroying a traditional song;

Ding dong! merrily on high,

In heav'n the bells are ringing:

Ding dong! verily the sky

Is riv'n with angel singing.

Gloria, Hosanna in excelsis!
E'en so here below, below,

Let steeple bells be swungen,

And "Io, io, io!"

By priest and people sungen.

Pray you, dutifully prime

Your matin chime, ye ringers

Sirius stifled laughter as he pushed open the door, he saw James swaying on the spot with a glass of mulled wine as Remus curled up in hysterics before him. Harry lay fast asleep on a bed of pillows with a jumper as a blanket, he had his thumb in his mouth and looked content. The scene hit Sirius with such nostalgia and warmth and pain that he was almost breathless. James wore a crown of tinsel on his head and some draped around his neck as he took a deep draught of Wine, Remus had even donned a rather silly Santa hat for the occasion. Finally as James fell back into his seat as though exhausted Sirius could take it no longer, he cleared his throat loudly and his friends turned to him with equally bright smiles.

Remus stood up, he looked slightly tipsy as he held his glass up. “Welcome, Sirius…” He said in a blurry voice. “We would like to wish you a very Happy but belated Christmas…” he swayed and hiccoughed slightly but still continued to grin slightly insanely. “You’re very lucky to ‘ave friends like us…”

Sirius’ confusion gave way to overwhelming joy as he realised what they were doing, he felt warmth filling his chest and face as he saw James watching him. “I-I…This is…”

“Bloody insane, is what is, Siri…” Remus muttered. “Bu’ well intentioned none the less…”

Sirius suddenly laughed, a loud noise that woke Harry. James grinned as his son crawled sleepily into his lap and curled up again. He fixed those intense green eyes on Sirius and continued to suck his thumb, James ran fingers through Harry’s soft hair as Sirius sat next to him and picked up a bottle of Old Ogdens.

It was a night of laughter and joy, Sirius spent his time feeling as if it were merely a beautiful dream and he would soon wake up and find himself stuck in a dark terrible cell surrounded by screams and despair. If it was a dream he found himself hoping he never woke up, he only wanted this joy to last forever, he only wanted to enjoy James’ hand in his own, the feel of his skin the teasing way he licked his lips after taking a sip of his drink. He wanted to live forever in this world of Christmas cheer and love.

Eventually their evening concluded with Remus passing out beside the still form of Harry, one arm flung over the boy in a protective gesture. Sirius lay on the sofa with his head in James’ lap and listened to him talk about what had made him come up with the idea, he smiled softly and let his eyes close. James’ fingers in his hair were so gentle, so tender he relaxed in a way he hadn’t done since he had done whatever it was that had landed him in prison. He sighed in contentment and just as he falling to sleep he felt James’ fingers still on his hair, hot liquid splashed his face and his eyes sprang open again. He lay perfectly still as the soft sound of James crying sent a brief flutter of panic through him, he heard the hitch in his lovers breathing before James whispered to himself. “I’m so sorry…I’m sorry Sirius…” Sirius stared into the embers of the dying fire, keeping himself still and his breathing regular so James wouldn’t be embarrassed by this display of emotion. He could feel tears splashing down his cheek, sliding into his hair and felt his own eyes burn in response. “I-I can’t…I can’t do this anymore…I can’t live without her…I-I should have been there, I should h-have d-died with her…I shouldn’t even be alive!” Sirius’ heart went cold but still he didn’t move, he gave James no sign that he was awake. “Merlin…It’s so hard…” Sirius closed his eyes again, silently agreeing. “I live for Harry now, for my son and I…I don’t want him to grow up and end up being bullied…” Now that was an odd statement. Sirius frowned to himself and tried to fight off the feeling that something was wrong. “If People realise his father’s gay…well…he would never have any friends at all. You of all people know what this world is like, Siri.”

Sirius opened his eyes again and slowly rolled over so he was looking up into James’ tear stained face, his own was carefully blank and his eyes as dark as a stormy sky. “So…this is it?” He whispered.

“I…I didn’t know you were awake.” James muttered, wiping at his eyes with his shirt sleeve. Sirius lifted his hand and watched James flinch from his touch, he smiled bitterly and pulled his hand away again.

“Cut the bullshit Jamie.” He said roughly as he sat upright. “It’s not Harry you’re worried about, is it?”

“Well I…”

Sirius shook his head and lowered it, absently he stared at his ragged nails. “Tell me, James, tell me what I did.”

James’ eyes widened. “You don’t…You don’t remember?”

“No. I remember flashes…like a flash of green light and…and screams…and I remember blood…but I don’t know what happened…tell me, please! Explain to me why you despise my touch.”

James stared at the back of Sirius’ head for a long moment, he had been trying to be normal around his best friend since his return but within a few days, after the joy of seeing him again had worn off he had begun to remember what he had done. He had begun to remember seeing Mrs. Pettigrew sobbing over Peter’s corpse, he had to remember seeing the blood stained carpet, Sirius covered in dried blood, those dark, anger filled eyes as he had sat in the court room and pronounced his guilt to the whole Wizengamot. And now they had barely touched, their eyes rarely met and smiles had become more difficult with each passing day. “You killed a man, Sirius.” James whispered quietly and he watched Sirius tense. “You tortured and murdered our friend Peter Pettigrew…he was going to betray Lily and I to Lord Voldemort but you got there first…but when you killed him the spell hiding us was broken, you exposed us and someone saw us leaving the house when you were tried. Because of you Lily is dead. Because of you Harry will grow up without a mother.”

Sirius’ eyes were wide behind his fringe, he kept his back to James as his mouth hung open in shock. Slowly the memories returned, Peter begging him to stop, flashes of crimson and eventually green, the feel of hot, thick blood covering his hands…he made a strangled noise in the back of his throat and wrapped his arms around his stomach, he leaned forward as his stomach twisted in pain. “Oh…oh god…Jamie…” His voice cracked as the full scale of what he had done returned to him and he felt his heart shattering in his chest. “W-Why…why was I released?! Why was I…oh fuck…I-I’m…I’m just like them! I’m…just like Bellatrix a-and Malfoy and my father…They were right! Oh god, they were so, so right! I’m sorry! I’m so sorry, Jamie! I-I destroyed your happiness…” He lowered his head and felt waves and waves of grief and pain and guilt assaulting him like physical blows. “It should never have been Lily or Peter…It should have been me! I should have died! I should have been killed when I was born! Why didn’t she do it?! Why didn’t she fucking kill me?!”

James said nothing as he watched Sirius break like delicate china on a stone floor, he didn’t know what to say. Alcohol had befuddled his mind and he could only think that perhaps Sirius was right, death would have been a mercy considering all that he had suffered. He lifted his hand meaning to place it upon his shoulder but Sirius stood up, he lurched and nearly fell over Remus and Harry. When he had steadied himself he stood perfectly still, his shoulders shaking as tears ran silently down his pale face. “S-Sirius?” James whispered.

“I-I…I’m gunna leave…I’m gunna leave and never come back…” Sirius gasped and turned to face James with wide eyes. “I’ll never see you again, I promise. Fuck…I love you, James.” He turned on his heel without another word and walked away. James sat in stunned silence as the fire popped, Remus’ snores filled the room and Harry whimpered in his sleep but the only other sound was James’ own heartbeat as he stared blankly into the shadowy corner…what had he just done?

XXX

Remus woke the next day with a hang over that was made worse when he saw James’ white face, his head throbbed all day as he helped James owl everyone they knew, everyone that was still alive who perhaps Sirius would go to but none of them knew where he was.

Weeks passed and turned into months, Harry’s second birthday came and went almost unmarked except for a few presents. James and Remus continued their search until late one blustery September they finally gave up. Remus stayed with James a few weeks afterwards, he helped him as much as he could with Harry but finally he decided that he needed to get away. He explained to James that since the tragic death of his mother he had only a single thing holding him there and James didn’t really need him anymore, and so they had parted ways at a small train station in a place called Westbury and walked away from each other. Remus travelled the country, he didn’t know what he was looking for, perhaps some sign of Sirius, but he found none. He weathered the Full Moon’s inside shacks and abandoned houses, he spent his time in Inn’s and forgotten holes in the countryside, he lived out of a suitcase and never once gave in to the urge to re-visit London. James, meanwhile, rejoiced as Harry grew. He enjoyed his son as much as he could, he gave him everything he could because he had no one else. Sometimes Harry would catch his father staring out the window for long periods of time, but when asked what was wrong James would merely smile sadly and heft the boy into his arms. James felt an odd kind of melancholy come over him each time he stared up at the night sky, if he happened to be awake he would sometimes spot Sirius flashing and winking angrily in the darkness above the world. He felt like half a person, as if he was merely a solid ghost walking around, able only to watch and wait and listen for any sign of the friend he had driven away…the friend he had miraculously fallen in love with.
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Amore et Amicitia