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Lost and Damned	By : danniperson Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male > Harry/Snape Views: 24087 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, the characters or the world or anything, and I make absolutely no profit from this.

Chapter List
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LOST AND DAMNED

One More Time Steal My Breath

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A green jet of light shot out and hit Dumbledore squarely in the chest. Harry's scream of horror never left him and he was forced to watch as Dumbledore was blasted into the air, falling slowly backward like a rag doll over the battlements and out of sight.

It didn't happen…It couldn't have happened…

"Out of here, quickly!" Severus ordered, grabbing Draco and shoving him towards the door. Draco finally caught sight of Harry, his silver eyes growing wide, but Severus slapped him on the back of the head before he could stare and draw too much attention. Amycus and Alecto hurried ahead with Fenrir behind them and Severus pushing Draco out of the door after them. "I have something to finish," he told them as Fenrir and Draco turned back to look at him. Fenrir glared, but turned and walked off with Draco nodding mutely, looking stunned, as he ran downstairs.

Harry realized he could move again, only he was still paralyzed by horror and shock. He stared as his lover approached, eyes trailing down to the wand sitl held loosely in his hand…the wand that had killed Albus Dumbledore. Draco and Alecto had had their mouths opned for the curse, but Harry had watched those thin lips…those lips he had kissed, those lips that had worshipped every inch of his body…form the words.

Avada Kedavra.

Over and over again that voice that sent chills down his spine echoed those deadly words. The words that had taken the life of the greatest wizard who had ever lived. Harry swallowed hard and just stared at Severus as the man slowly approached him, emotions battling for dominance inside of him. He felt angry and betrayed and hurt…He wanted to punch Severus in the face and he wanted to hold him close. He didn't know what to think of the man right now. He didn't know what to think or feel at all.

"Harry…" Severus said quietly.

"How could you?" Harry hissed.

"I had to," Severus said quietly. "He asked me to."

"He asked you to kill him?" Harry snapped, finding it hard to believe.

"He was dying anyway…His hand…He was cursed," Severus quickly explained. "You don't have to trust me, but we don't have very much time. You must tell everyone what I did. You must tell everyone Draco was part of it. We can't keep up the charade of double agent anymore…We're in too deep now. You must take care of yourself…Go into my rooms and get my Potions book. Let Granger look around and pick out any books from my library she thinks you might need and learn as much as you can. I won't be there to help you anymore."

Harry nodded dumbly, his fists clenching and unclenching at his sides as he stared up into Severus's anxious black eyes. His throat suddenly felt dry and he could feel his heart shattering in his chest and, even more embarrassingly, tears stinging his eyes.

"I love you, Harry," Severus whispered quietly, all of his love and sadness coating his voice, so thick and intense it was almost palpable.

Despite the state of shock he was in, the state of uncertainty that lingered over him, he reached out and pulled Severus forward, kissing him deeply and choking back a sob as he did so-it very much felt like a farewell kiss…A kiss that might very well be their last. Harry didn't want to let go and it seemed to take all of Severus's energy to pull away.

"I have to go now," Severus whispered into his ear, holding him close for a moment. "I need you to chase me…Attack me. The Dark Lord needs to think all of your faith in me is shattered. Perhaps the murder of the headmaster will redeem me for losing your trust, but it's the only way…He would want me to try to keep a relationship, to continue our affair and it could be dangerous to keep it up. If you do hate me, it shouldn't be very difficult. Let's hope that if not your acting skills have vastly improved."

Harry felt like he should have laughed, but there was no amusement to be had. He watched as Severus pulled away with a very pained look and took off out of the door. Harry stood slumped back against the wall for a long moment, struggling to pull himself together. He felt dazed…His secret moment with Severus destroyed the last bit of anger he had managed to have and he had to muster it all up again. Severus killing Dumbledore…Had Dumbledore really asked him to kill him? Was he really dying anyway? Harry shook his head and pulled out his own wand, forcing himself to run out after him.

"Petrificus Totalus!" he shouted at the first Death Eater he met out of the tower. The Death Eater buckled and fell to the ground, completely rigid. Harry immediately clambered over him and down the staircase.

"IT'S OVER! TIME TO GO!" he heard Severus shouting.

Harry shoved past people, jumping over bodies and sloshing through puddles of blood. There was no time to investigate who they were or what had happened. He ran right into Ginny as she dodged a hex from Amycus. "Crucio-Crucio-you can't dance forever, pretty!"

"Impedimentia!"

The jinx hit Amycus in the chest. The Death Eater yelled out in pain as he was lifted off of his feet and slammed into the opposite wall and fell out of sight behind where Professor McGonagall, Lupin, and Tonks were all battling separate Death Eaters. Lupin managed to back up and trip over the fallen body of a Death Eater and Harry cringed, prepared to stop and help, but his fall did nothing but help him avoid a curse the Death Eater threw at him and from his place on the ground, he cast another hex towards his attacker.

"Harry, where did you come from?" Ginny cried from his side, but there was no time to answer her. He saw Alecto and Amycus running down the corridor and knew he had to follow them. He launched himself after them but he tripped over something, a body on the ground. He turned around and saw Neville scrambling up, clutching his stomach. "Harry…Snape'n'Malfoy…ran past…"

"I know, I'm on it!" Harry said, scrambling up from the floor and continued running. He aimed a quick jinx towards a big, blond Death Eater who was doing the most damage to the group, but couldn't stop for very long to help…They could do it. Most of the Death Eaters were retreating by now, anyway. He had to do as Severus asked…he had to make Severus pay…He wasn't really sure which reason was the most important, only that both were in his mind as he pushed his body as hard as he could, running as fast as he could, jumping over fallen bodies and nearly tripping as one of them started to stand up. For a few minutes he didn't see anyone, but as he flew downstairs and made it to the fourth floor, he flung himself around a corner as fast as he could, almost skidding to the side and hitting the wall and in the distance he saw the brother and sister still running. Harry pushed himself, running as fast as he could. He felt dizzy and nauseated, but he kept going, clutching his wand tightly as he ran, throwing hexes at them once he felt he was close enough, but they all missed.

Turning another corner a floor below he just barely missed a curse sent by one of the siblings. He heard a suit of armor behind him explode. He sent more jinxes their way, but they missed and instead headed towards a painting of four beautiful witches who screamed and ran into neighboring paintings. He kept running, jumping in surprise as the suit of armor just in front of him exploded as another spell hit and Harry quickly jumped over the wreckage and continued on. He could hear shouts and screams nearby…The students seemed to be waking up now, realizing something was going on.

Harry ran towards a shortcut, hoping to overtake Amycus and Alecto and maybe even get to Severus and Draco. He leaped over the vanishing step halfway down the concealed staircase and burst through the tapestry at the bottom. He ran out into a corridor where a number of dazed Huffelpuffs stood in their pajamas.

"Harry! We heard a noise, and someone said something about the Dark Mar-" Ernie Macmillan began.

"Out of the way!" Harry yelled, knocking two boys aside as he sprinted toward the landing and down the remainder of the marble staircase. The front doors had been blasted open and there were smears of blood all around. There was a group of terrified students huddled together by the wall. The giant hourglasses had been hit by a curse and rubies, emeralds, sapphires, and topazes littered the floor, causing him to skid a bit as his shoes hit them and he grasped the wall to keep from falling over them, hissing as his arm slid against the broken glass of the Gryffindor hourglass. The cut stung and he could feel the warm blood dripping down his arm, but he couldn't stop. He flew across the entrance hall and out into the dark grounds, a darkness now and then disturbed by flashes of bright light. He could see the Death Eaters ahead, swarming towards the gates where they would be able to Disapparate.

Where was Severus?

Harry ran after them, keeping his eyes wide open in hopes of spotting the man and found him as his eyes were attracted to yet another bright flash of light that illuminated the tall man who had his hand wrapped tightly around Draco's arm, hissing at him before shoving him away towards the gates. A small number of Death Eaters remained, aiming curses and hexes at something…it took a moment for Harry to realize that Hagrid had joined the fight. The curses just seemed to bounce off of him, not really affecting him and Harry was glad for it.

He ran past Hagrid and the few that had gathered around him and chased after Severus. He raised his wand with a shaky hand and aimed it at him, shouting "STUPEFY!" He wanted Severus to stop, but whether it was so he could hurt him or keep him here, he still wasn't sure.

The jet of red light soared over Severus's head, though. He turned towards Harry and glowered, raising his own wand. A nonverbal spell knocked Harry off of his feet and he landed hard on his back. He growled and stood up and glared back at his lover…At Severus.

This was the man who had tormented him for years…

The man who had been protecting him for years…

The man he had hated for so long…

The man he had fallen irrevocably in love with…

The man who had cursed him…

Had kissed him…

The Death Eater…

A hero…

The man who had told Voldemort of the prophecy, who had gotten his parents killed…

The man who had been making up for it since their deaths, who had risked his life as a spy…

The man who had killed Dumbledore…

The man who loved him…

His mind was at war with itself. This man was Snape…He had been a fool to love him. He was a Death Eater. He bullied students and was the most feared teacher in all of Hogwarts. He was nasty and unnecessarily cruel. He was a killer. He had only been using Harry. Tonight his true colors shined, didn't they? He had even attacked Harry…was glowering at him with such a familiar hate-filled gaze. He had always hated Harry…because of his fame…because of his father.

But this man was also Severus. The man who made him feel safe and happy. The man who, despite his show of disdain towards them, protected his students. A stubborn and proud man…an incredibly strong man. He was, despite all of his awful behavior, the man Harry loved more than life itself.

Harry was furious with him. Be he good or not, he had still killed Dumbledore. He could have and should have found some other way…And even if he was evil, Harry still loved him.

He wasn't, though, was he? He couldn't be. Up in that tower…The way Severus had spoken to him, held him, kissed him…spoke volumes for who he truly was, even if they were the same hands that had pointed that wand at Dumbledore and the same voice that uttered the Killing Curse. Because, above all else, it was the way those black eyes had stared into Harry's, with so much pain and so much love that Harry swore not even a spy like Severus could hide or fake.

No matter what the truth was, this was not going to end well. No matter what the truth was, Harry still hurt…could still feel his heart shattering over and over again, as if the pieces it fell into just broke over and over and over again, tiny shards being crushed and destroyed. His wrath still burned within him, but that pain and sorrow were forces too strong and too paralyzing to compete with.

Harry raised his wand a bit more steadily, aiming his wand just over Severus's shoulder. "CRUCIO!"

Severus waved his wand as though deflecting the curse.

"FIGHT ME! FIGHT ME, YOU COWARD!" Harry roared. "CRUCIO!"

This one went right over his head and Severus chuckled darkly. "Coward, did you call me, Potter? Your father would never attack me unless he had his goons at his side! What would you call him, I wonder?"

Irritation bubbled within him and Harry growled. "YOU BASTARD! YOU COMPLETE AND UTTER ARSE! I HATE YOU!" he shouted. "CRUCIO!"

"Pathetic, Potter, truly!" Severus shouted back.

Harry was suddenly hit by excruciating pain and he suddenly found himself writing in the grass. Every inch of him hurt, blinding and deafening pain. He could barely think…couldn't breathe, it hurt so much. When the pain lifted, he was stunned, glad Severus's immediate words relieved him of too many awful thoughts, assuming his lover had shot the curse at him. "NO!" Severus roared. "Have you forgotten our orders? Potter belongs to the Dark Lord-we are to leave him! GO! GO!"

Amycus and Alecto ran towards the gate and Harry scrambled to his feet, the entire world seeming to sway, his mind spinning painfully. He aimed his wand blindly towards Severus. "SECTUMSEMPRA!"

"NO, POTTER!" Severus shouted. He shot another curse at Harry…He saw it would go over his head anyway, but he ducked for show. "You dare use my own spells against me? Turning my own inventions on me like your filthy father, would you? I don't' think so…no!"

"Kill me then!" Harry shouted. "Kill me like you killed him, you coward!" He took some perverse pleasure in turning that fact against Severus again…The fact that he was responsible for Voldemort going after Lily and James. His anger was back in action, burning him, spurring him on.

"DON'T CALL ME A COWARD!" Severus screamed, waving his wand. Harry felt something white hot slam into his face, almost like a whip and he fell backwards into the ground. Spots of light danced in front of his eyes and all of the breath seemed to be knocked out of his body. Like when he was under the Crucio, the curse left him in too much pain to know anything for a few moments. He heard loud thumping and animalistic noises that he realized, after a few seconds, were coming from Buckbeak. Harry groaned and sat up, the whole world spinning again as he pushed himself to his feet. Sadly, the time he righted himself, Severus was gone.

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They all headed towards the same place: Malfoy Manor. Severus at least managed to get their destination out of Draco…Normally the Dark Lord held meetings at different homes of his servants, but more and more they were held at Malfoy Manor. Severus was one of the last to arrive, wishing he didn't have to be here for their celebrations. He wanted nothing more than to be alone. He felt sick…He had actually killed Albus. The image of the wise, brave old wizard falling…the light gone from his bright blue eyes…haunted him. And he had cursed Harry! He had actually hurt his young lover. What had come over him? The word coward did not sit well with him at all, but he shouldn't have lost it that way. Never, ever would Severus ever truly want to hurt the boy.

But what did it matter? Harry probably hated him. Oh Severus wished above all else that Harry might understand, but he could not blame him if he did. Severus himself could not forgive his own actions. He stood tall and proud, though, among the Death Eaters, a smirk in place as he strode into the house, into the large ballroom area where Narcissa was hugging and kissing Draco all over, telling him how much she loved him. Draco didn't seem so annoyed by her actions now and hugged her back tightly.

"I hear the great and powerful Albus Dumbledore…is dead?"

The quiet voice of their master quieted all sounds and all attention turned to the man who had seated himself in a throne like chair. His red eyes were glued to Draco who paled and nodded slowly.

"So you finally managed the task I set upon you?"

Gulping, Draco slowly shook his head. Had there been no witnesses…had Draco been better at Occlumency…Severus would have begged him to take the credit.

"No?" The Dark Lord smirked. "Crucio!"

Draco and Narcissa both screamed. Draco hit the ground and Narcissa fell to her knees at his side, pulling him into her arms as he thrashed wildly in the pain.

"I should kill you for not obeying my orders," the Dark Lord said and Narcissa gasped. Draco stared up at him with wide eyes. Severus tensed, begging and pleading silently that the Dark Lord would spare him. "However, since Dumbledore is dead…We shall leave the decision up to his true murderer. Tell me, who do I have to thank for the death of Dumbledore? Severus?"

Slowly, Severus nodded. The Dark Lord had hinted towards it since he came up with this plan of his…It came as no great shock that Severus had been the one to do so. Red eyes glittered dangerously in his pleasure and those thin fingers beckoned Severus forward. Obediently, Severus felt his feet carrying him closer to the man he wanted nothing to do with.

"Young Draco is your godson, is he not? I suppose you'll want him to live?" said the Dark Lord, sounding almost disappointed, though his eyes still glittered happily.

Severus nodded. "Dumbledore is a master manipulator, my lord, and Draco is still young and still very foolish. I do not believe he should be penalized…We can always teach him better."

"Of course," said the Dark Lord quietly. "Do you believe you are capable of learning, Draco?"

"Y-yes…m-my lord," Draco said.

"Good. I am feeling rather merciful…Very glad to finally be rid of Dumbledore," the Dark Lord said. "He is finally gone…Nothing, absolutely nothing, stands in our way now. Let us…celebrate," the Dark Lord said, flicking his wand. Several goblets of wine flew from somewhere to their right into their hands. Some of those not expecting it or with bad reflexes ended up spilling their own all over them, though most, like Severus, caught theirs gracefully. "A toast…to my faithful servants. Our great victory is closer than it ever has been. Tonight is the beginning…It won't be long now…before I have young Potter in my grasp," the Dark Lord said, catching his own goblet. He wrapped his fingers around it gracefully and squeezed tightly, as though exhibiting how he could strangle Harry. Severus's own fingers tightened around his goblet, reminded yet again of Albus's words.

Harry had to die.

And with Albus gone, the Dark Lord was right…it wouldn't be much longer. Severus steeled himself against the onslaught of emotions that raged inside of him, hitting him hard. While the party took to life around him, he stood there, face as blank as ever. He felt as though his very soul was being ripped to shreds, his heart aching and screaming and begging him to stop it, to save his Harry, to let nothing come of the young man he loved more than anything.

He felt as if Harry was already dead, and the very thought was sucking the life right out of him, killing him slowly and painfully.

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Lost and Damned